The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Rosses, life now is great!

Dorianne, my Mom was personality-disordered, too. Not raging toxic. But wore her childhood and 1st marriage baggage (which also became her 2nd marriage baggage) on her sleeve.

Those around Mom were required to 100% buy into her point-of-view. Done in a “soft” way. Rarely confrontational.

And even more rarely open to new info. Unless Mom was diving headlong into a religious conversion experience. (She had 2 in her lifetime. The 2nd one was a religion she spent most of her life denigrating. But hey, when one is “called”.....)

Over time, conversations with Mom became frustrating. And limiting. She fetishized “normal people.” But her feelings of inferiority were co-mingled with feelings of superiority.

In Mom’s purview, OF COURSE those (seemingly) chipper, organized, ambitious, non-neurotic people have their sh*t together, “because they’ve never [insert trauma here] ...”

Mom wanted me, her only child, to build a better life. Like I said, she wasn’t raging toxic. She understood the natural progression of wanting the next generation to thrive.

A couple of hitches, though.

One, I didn’t learn the tools from my home life. Growing up, I was told many-a-thing to not get trapped in or fall for. But given no direction on what TO DO to not be a neurotic pleaser.

Two, as I found my own way, I became a traitor. Mom never used that word. But shedding my “mirror” role meant just that. As I became a secure, functional adult (which was not a linear or easy path), my gains were — in a sense — Mom’s losses.

It’s not like my relationship with Mom was pure torture. Far from it. She meant well — and I do NOT use that phrase lightly. But there was always an undercurrent.

Sad. I kinda wanted more. But I didn’t know how, either.

And dontcha know, as an adult, I really have to curb my temptation to announce how WEIRD it is that some people my age, oh, still turn to their parents for advice....or go on vacations with their aging parents (AND enjoy it!), etc etc.

Sigh. Let it go, right? Very difficult. But it’s the only way to break free.

rosses, Google Fear, Obligation and Guilt ( FOG). You'll see what she's doing.

Rosses - I can relate in that my mother acts like a victim a lot. When I was a kid, she was a "victim" of my dad, and also she was a victim because she was "only" 30 when she lost her mother. (I always believed this until I lost my dad when I was 32, and didn't have the same kind of response AT ALL. It was sad and I missed him - still do - but I didn't use it as an excuse to be a nasty or tormented person.) Then she was a victim of her father's bullying. Then she was the victim of her sister, her sister's son....and eventually her own son. It STILL didn't twig with me until I started staying with her, and all of a sudden she was playing the victim with ME! That was last fall, right around the time I joined the AC forum and started figuring it all out.

I don't know your situation well enough to say it's the same kind of thing, but in my mom's case.....I can't decide if it's a form of manipulation or if she really sees herself as some kind of tormented victim. Maybe it's both. Definitely it's manipulative, whether she intends it as such or not.

However, we've had a few battles in the time between then and now, and she mostly seems to have put that side of herself away now. I don't know if I can even explain how that went, but I think it was just a lot of out-stubborning her, and even calling her out on it a couple of times. And also knowing myself enough to know that I was not victimizing her in any way, shape, or form, so there was no way I was going to put up with being painted that way. Also I think it helped that - like you - I've been down this road before with my mother, when I was a child....except this time I am not a child and I have lots more skills and confidence in dealing with manipulators than I did as a kid. So instead of being pushed into a corner like I was when I was a kid, I became angry, because I was suddenly seeing my mother for who she is and for the role she'd played in our family dysfunction.....and I also had to accept that I was never going to have the kind of relationship with my mother that I wanted to have. I think I went through processing most of that here on AC!

So no, it's NOT you. That her manipulations are even getting you to question yourself is a sign of how good she is at manipulating! Of course, often no one knows us as well as our own mothers, so who better to know how to push our buttons?

One important thing I discovered in counseling is that I'm responsible for what I do, but I am not responsible for how others feel. Another thing I got - from counseling and from living an independent life, and also from having a stepmother - is a better perspective on what "normal" might look like. So, say, I am responsible for not deliberately hurting my mother, BUT I am also not responsible if her feelings are hurt by me doing normal things that a person might do. If that makes sense. For example, my mother was extremely hurt by the fact that, no, I really DON'T want to be in her company 24/7. But wanting to be around one's mother 24/7 after the age of, I dunno, 3? 4? 5? is NOT normal.

"Normal" might be the wrong word - I don't think anyone can define what "normal" is. But when I use the word, I mean something typical, something an average, healthy person might want or do. Like - going to the movies is normal. Wanting some time off from being a 24/7 caregiver is normal. Expecting your adult child to never leave your side is NOT normal.

You are kind of stuck there, in a place that's not your home. So it's probably even harder to get a picture of "normal" for yourself. But I think what might help is trying to detach from your mother's emotional responses and doing what feels "normal" for you. That means regardless of how she feels or responds. You have to find a way to let her manipulations roll off your back somehow - at least, that's what I've had to do. For me, it's meant sometimes ignoring my mother, sometimes talking over her, and sometimes just calling her out on trying to manipulate me. And above all else, not to get sucked into feeling her emotions along side her. I don't know what that will look like for you, and it's not easy when you first start doing it, either (because GUILT!!!!). I do think you have to find a way for your own sanity, though.

Rosses, I carried lots of guilt, depression, anger into my 40’s before I finally able to let it go. Golden is right, living with your mom makes it much harder. I set very firm boundaries and limited my time around my mom. Counseling helped me tremendously as well. Posting here is a great stress releaser as many of us on this thread can relate well to what you are going through.

That's "Take" :)

Rosses - my mother has BPD as well. It is NOT you - it is her! I have had to distance myself for my own mental health. Mother is in a nursing home and very well looked after and I visit occasionally and look after all her business. I got rid of guilt and depression years ago, but could not have if I had lived with my mother. She is mentally ill and I am not equipped to deal with that. Life becomes what you make it.

I have a personality disordered sis too and the dreaded annual visit is coming up next weekend. R and I will take her and her new hub for a meal and visit mother a little.

Planning on travelling south then by myself to visit oldest son and a friend for a week then back up to E'ton/Stony to look at condos again -a couple of new units on the market in the building I want. Last winter was so dreadful I do not want another one this far north.. R and I manage well by distance and he is looking for another job anyway due to the toxicity at this one. I need to move sooner rather than later.

Hope all are well. Yake care of you!

My mom fits that mold very well too, unfortunately for her, and for me. I saw on your profile that unfortunately your mom passed away in 2016. I’m very sorry Sharyn! Can I ask you though, as a survivor of a Narcissistic parent, how is life now? Have you been left living with guilt, depression, “what is my role in life now” kind of problems? I many times wonder what does life become.

Rosses, my mom was borderline personality disordered. You can google it and narcissistic personality disorder.

Sharyn,

I cannot recall a close friend of mine that my mother approved of, so it seems you and I were/are on the same boat. I had very little social life, which I know affected my entire life even now as an adult, my relationships, my work life, everything.

My mom DOES want to be the center of attention, although I don’t think she realizes it, AT ALL! If you were to ask her she is convinced that she is always thinking of others and not herself...which in a way is true..for example, if she needed to stay up all night with me if I was sick when little, or to do homework FOR me -my way was never good enough-, she always did it...but what she doesn’t realize is that she did/does things like that out of an exacerbated sense of self discipline, an almost unhealthy awareness of her duties, if that makes sense. She does deny anything I mention and quickly victimizes herself, so no point in bringing anything up.

She is content when I’m by her side doing everything from cleaning to helping her with her Facebook account...YET, she feels terrible for having me here as (in her words) her slave...YET, if I go out for a while my welcome seems to always be her being upset...What a psychological nightmare, right?

I feel so bad for her, because she lives in a horrible world of deep emotions where she really feels hurt for things that really don’t happen! And where she experiences highs that are also not well founded, therefore the downs are terrible for her, exhausting! All this in a matter of hours, adds up to a tormented soul..but unfortunately although I can intellectually get all this, it affects me, DEEPLY, and I’m also exhausted. Maybe even more than her!

And it is because all this emotional and psychological out of balance that I question myself, because it all seems so illogical that I end up wondering, IS IT ME? Which, in a way, it is. Because since I know better, I should also handle the situation differently.

Rosses, if you confronted your mother regarding the things she says, what would be her response. Most likely it’s not your imagination. Passive/aggressive speech allows the person to deny the meaning. When you were a teenager, what was behind your mothers anger for going out? If my mom had her way, I would not have had any social life growing up. My mother’s issue was control and not trusting me to make good decisions, in addition to jealousy. My mom wanted to be the center of attention. She disliked every friend I had, found fault with their parents and family members.

Answering the original question or rather asking a follow up question to it, does it happen to anyone else that when the attitude of someone (likely the person you care for) is so dysfunctional,  you actually question yourself?
Meaning, and I’ll give an example from real life -mine-, since I was younger I remember that if I went out, almost 90% of the time my mom was visibly upset when I returned home. I recall I used to hate going back home because I knew a ‘heavy mood’ would be predominant in the house. And when I say “go out” I mean maybe go to the movies and get ice cream afterwards with a couple of friends, no boyfriend, and my dad usually took us there and picked us up. My dad was always in a good mood.

Now as an adult and having came back to live with my mother in her house, in the role of her caretaker, I find myself in the same situation!
Just I’m a grown up, and I literally do not go out except a few times to go to the movies to clear my head a little. I did that last night, but it was raining very hard when the movie was over, so had to wait to leave the movie theater. When I came back, my mom was visibly upset, and didn’t fail to mention that in my absence she had to deal with the water from the rain to prevent it from getting into the house, so she was “pushing it” out with a broom....which although it was raining hard, and yes sometimes it rains so hard that the water might get inside the house, definitely last night was not the case.

So long story short to say there’s almost invariably an “I had to do X...because you weren’t here” although it is not said like that; and an also non said “you say you care about me but you were out three hours”, or an “I hurt myself doing X..because you weren’t here”. Again, she does not say it like that, but choses a passive aggressive style that really, really upsets me. At least that’s how I feel, that is what I hear although not said like that; yet, as an adult and knowing there’s no logic to this, I wonder: Is it me? Am I making this up and maybe she’s just tired and therefore she acts as if she was upset but it is just that she doesn’t feel well? Could it be that my entire life I’ve been misjudging my mother?
Because so much dysfunctional behavior is hard to conceive.

Does anybody else deal with the “is it me” problem? I do, and then I feel guilty for potentially blaming her for something that is in my imagination! Yet it’s what I’ve experienced all my life. A guilt ridden life.

Enough to make one crazy sometimes!

Anyway, @ Dorianne, the influence of you stepmother shows then! If I were you, I’d most definitely retake that interest and start writing! Use your gift, because you really do have a gift in writing! :-)

My niece arrived to visit her little girls. Looks completely different. Healthy and has lost maybe 40 lbs. Little  girls were so surprised when my brother brought her in. Jay took her and the girls to have pizza for dinner and will drop her at her hotel before the girls have to be here to go to bed. She’ll be here tomorrow afternoon to go to the dance recital. Fly back to OH late afternoon.

Mountain moose, I hope your dr appt was beneficial for you.
Dori, yes, the peaceful quiet of a forest, the earthy smell, birds chipping, a river flowing in the background....awe nature!

Enjoying some quiet here at home by myself.

bookluvr: Thank you for your post! I'm so sorry about your well-deserved vacation to Hawaii and you couldn't even leave your room! I never thought about the term "nervous breakdown". I have a doc's appointment in a few hours and hope he can help me. I hope you're gaining your strength and finding your real life again.

MtMoose, I remembered getting that extreme exhaustion. My mom passed away in March. I went on a 1 week vacation in Honolulu in August. I paid my Colorado sister’s ticket to meet me there. I still can’t believe I spent the whole week in my Waikiki hotel room because I was so exhausted I couldn’t walk far. The way you described your exhaustion sounds similar – except yours is much worse. I’ve always been thankful that I never did suffer a nervous breakdown or an anxiety attack (caused by non-stop caregiving.) I believe that’s much worse than the exhaustion we’re having.

DDDuck, I’m so glad that you enjoy therapy. I struggled at it – with 2 different therapists. I finally gave up. I’m not motivated enough to make the necessary changes. You take care.

Dorianne, isn’t great to still have time to hang around with your friend? I remember always resenting having to go back home after experiencing life without worrying about suctioning, changing pampers, feeding them, etc… It’s like a big letdown to go back to reality. I’m glad that you were able to be with your friend. =)

Susan, yep. I finally learned not to ask. And I also learned to give my Dad 2 or 3 options in which I can live with. Options made him feel as if he was still in control.

Leg shaving. My legs have long hair stragglers. I used to have very hair legs. Then I hit menopause. Now, only a few hair grow there. Good thing, too. My legs skin cannot handle the shaving – break out with painful sores. (No, I don’t shave upward.) …

Sidsdaughter, is there any possibility of moving out on your own? I know it’s a scary world out there. I’d start saving as much as possible. An emergency fund that no one knows but you. It sure helped me a lot knowing that I had emergency cash while I was staying with my parents and caregiving. My dad always threw it in my face that I had nowhere to go. I actually did – siblings offered me a place to stay. Just knowing that I had my emergency cash made it possible for me to fight back. I was not at their mercy. I did NOT tell him about my emergency fund. That was My secret weapon.

Donna - I'm awful sorry, I was in self-pity mode yesterday and didn't fully read your post. I don't know what to say except that I'm sending you (((((hugs)))))....and also to tell you to try not to feel guilty about accepting benefits, because your situation is exactly what they are there for. And remember that you've been paying taxes since you were 14, so it is, in fact, your money!

Rosses - gosh, thank you! I did have a blog on creativity for awhile, but when my stepmother was dying of breast cancer, I let it slide and never went back to it. I owe everything I know about writing to her, by the way. She was a journalist, an editor, and a poet, and would absolutely put me to shame in the writing department. (Also she always kicked my butt at Scrabble! Dad too - the crossword king! Lol.)


Well, I'm feeling a little better today. Respite came. BFF and I went swimming. I wasn't really feeling it, so we finished early and went to the park, which helped quite a lot. I really need to find a way to squeeze some "nature time" back into my life, or I will lose my mind entirely! It's funny how different mom and I have become that way. She raised me in "the big city," but I think I was always meant to be a "country girl." I sure am now. Mom is still "city" in so many ways. I guess I should be grateful that she agreed to move here, because I'd REALLY be losing my mind if I had to be in the city right now! I mean, mom used to love to garden, but it's not at all the same as going into a forest and losing yourself a little.....

Donna, my sincere sympathies on your untenable situation.

In addition to all the other good work you've done getting yourself we up with benefits
( you EARNED them) , get yourself on waiting lists for afforable, income based housing.

Having your mother in a care facility is not throwing her away. It's the level of care she needs now.

Donna
I will keep you in my prayers - it must seem like you're caught in a storm with no end in sight

Trust me when I say many of us either have no siblings or the ones we have don't participate in the care of their parents
Some of your mom's attitude and behaviors also are not that much different from other elderly scared and demented folks - it doesn't make it right or any easier to know it's a tough job to be a caregiver especially a sole one

You definitely need help, and perhaps you can reach out to your county agency on aging which has resources like social workers etc to see if mom's situation could be improved and give you respite

Not to presume, but do you have a sponsor with AA?   

There are a couple of people on this forum/website that I feel should absolutely give it a try to writing a book, or at least having a blog, and you Dorianne are one of them. The way you describe things, feelings, situations..makes people really relate to you and very easily get the picture. I’d definitely consider writing as a non-summer-like activity that you could really enjoy this summer. Seriously!

Susan - I hear ya. Mom only has to shower once a week, as long as she accepts sponge baths in between. But that "conversation" is one we have EVERY week. Except mom will get mad and call me a liar when I tell her she smells - and especially her hair - and that the sponge baths aren't enough. Then she'll want to do it "later," and I have to keep telling her home support is here for exactly one hour on Wednesday mornings to help her shower because I can't, with my injury. Then, yup, she ALWAYS feels so much better afterwards! Ugh!!

My friend has this problem with her schizophrenic adult son. It's exactly the same thing. First he'll resist. Then he'll do it later. Then it will be a week or two since he's had a shower, plus he's still wearing the same clothes. It really drives it home for me that dementia is a mental illness.


Well, today I went over to my friend's house to get my hairs cut. It was so lovely, sitting in her backyard, it reminded me of the old days. "The Old Days" lol. Jeez, it wasn't even that long ago that I had a life. Then I realized the time and had to RACE off to pick mom up from dialysis. And I had SOOOOO much resentment for the situation I'm in. I was polite to mom, but mainly I gave her one word answers, and I'm holed up in the bedroom right now, because she hasn't done anything today that would warrant me being "in a mood" around her. But.....ugh.

I just keep thinking about how summer is here, and I'm in shorts and sandals, and it's backyard weather. And I'm stuck here inside this little apartment most of my hours, losing another season of my life to an adult-sized toddler who sincerely believes me being here watching her endlessly watch mindless television is a GREAT life for me.

I miss my friends. I miss my music. I miss my home. I miss having no television at home. I miss my bike. I miss the outdoors. I miss the sun-kissed highlights in my hair.  I miss jumping in the river on a day like today.

I don't always hate this.  But this is one of those days where I try to decide if I feel more like a prisoner or more like a slave. 

/end vent

Donna, Welcome. Feel free to back and vent anytime you want. A part-time job would be great for you. Don’t feel bad about applying for assistance. You’ve worked for years and paid taxes. If you need the help, take it. You can’t change your siblings. Does your Mom have any specific health issues?

Again welcome. Come back anytime.

I am the sole Caregiver for my 84 year old Mother. I have 4 remaining siblings......ALL of who cannot be bothered to help with her. I had to make the decision after my Father passed as to if I was willing to move and take care of her or they would have just "thrown her away" in a nursing home! Let me please begin.....and please try to be patient with me. This is quite a long story which I will do my best to not drag it out. I had been living in Florida, happily married ( I thought) for 9 years. My ex is a Union Pipefitter. After the 9 years....work just dried up. We moved back to Chicagoland where I'm from. WE rented my friend's basement and that was torment....horrible son who kept us up coming home drunk ( 18 at the time) screaming at her for money and it went on and on. It was like living inside of a drum! After 5 months of that my ex found work in W.Va. I worked at a Walmart and he did his pipefitting thing.......until that, too, started to dry up. WE moved 4 times in the 2 years we were there. In the meantime, my Father started becoming extremely ill......ultimately dying from Renal Failure, along with Liver Cancer. Throughout the 2 years. I was driving back and forth from W.Va. to Chicago a number of times.......one time through the Polar Vortex with my 2 Granddaughters with me, as they had come for Christmas. I spent 4 days taking care of him, as nobody else could be bothered....AGAIN.........so I stayed to give my one sister who WAS doing it all a BREAK. Within a couple months, I had to take a leave of absence due to the fact that same sister kept calling and/or texting while I'm at work saying I needed to get home NOW.....it could be any day. This was April of 2014. My ex and I had finally found a nice, affordable apartment rented out by a Church! Perfect! Or so I thought......while in Florida we attended Mass every Sunday and I taught C.C.D. ( Sunday school) and there was a Catholic Church blocks away. I felt like I could finally breath, because even without him working, we could afford the place and bills that went with it. Well......I don't know when or WHY but all of a sudden, things started changing with his behavior towards me. We had always had a good ( again, I thought) marriage. Going on 10 years and we still enjoyed each other's company. All of a sudden, the beginning of May he began acting strange. taking phone calls that "appeared" sneaky and secretive, as he walked outside to take them. I asked, of course, what was going on.....are you having an affair? Which he vehemtely sp?denied.......and truthfully, I couldn't figure out HOW as he was ALWAYS right there! When he worked, he'd call me several times a day as he had done for all the years we had been together. so I thought he was sick of me driving back and forth all the time. Which......TOOO FREAKIN bad! MY Father was DYING! Anyway......he walked out on me May 29th....Memorial Day, with NO explanation, leaving me in a strange state with NO friends and NO family! Just 2 days before. he had been hanging all over me while I was cooking dinner, telling me how much he loved me! I was devastated, to say the VERY least! Besides my Father dying....I also had HAD breast cancer ( fought it and won!) and have suffered from severe Rheumatoid Athritis since 2004. So, I of course, fell apart. I couldn't eat or sleep.....lost 40 lbs. in 1 month. Then, the call came, AGAIN, that I needed to get home! So, I packed a bag and took a flight ( my oldest sister picked me up) He passed, as I held his hand, a month and a half after my ex turned my world inside out! So.....I got ready to go back to W.Va. and grieve for as long as I could afford to......luckily, I had savings and all bills were caught up. So I had time to think what I wanted to do. MY Mother asked me to come back "home" to take care of her and I told her I had to think about it. Because my gut said NO.....you KNOW it won't turn out well! But the guilt of allowing the OBVIOUSLY uncaring sibs to just throw her away gave me no choice! Pretty much from day one....the B.S. started! After I had given up my apartment and EVERYTHING I owned......most of it from our years together and a few new things. New couch, bedroom set, washer/dryer and 3 window unit A.C's. Also, a refrigerator that was 3 years old! Sold what I could and gave the rest away. Forgot to mention that I had a Gran Mal seizure almost falling on top of my Father. My sister caught me in time, laid me on the floor and called 911. The Dr. asked her what has been going on in my life that would cause this, as I have no history of seizures....amazingly enough. She told him and he told her that I was lucky I hadn't died and that stress kills! REALLY!!!! Soooo....again, I moved in to take care of My Mother and it has been nothing but misery! Ilet a lot slide because of her age....but she has become mean and rude and hateful! When any of the "others" grace our presence....she acts like they are gold and I am shit! She treats me like a SERVANT! I finally put a stop to it, but whenever they would come, she'd tell me to go fix them some coffee or whatever else. Ifinally stopped, telling her AND them that I am NOT a servant. She bi***es about everything and anything I do. I'm 62 years old and I know how to do pretty much everything how to clean, cook, do laundry, shop for groceries, get her to her Dr. appts., etc! And then she decided I should I should take over the 2 gardens my Father created! I love gardening and always have, and am good at it. But after I divorced my ex.......a constant fight with trying to get Alimony, which he would pay when and IF he felt like it! I live on Disability $690 a month!!! Anyway....after divorcing him, I no longer had my medicine for my R.A. Enbral Sureclick 50 mg. once weekly. There are other truly horrifying events that have happened in the almost 4 years I have been doing this on my own! I'll get into all of that another time.........suffice it to say, I was close to death last year. My own doing, as I began drinking heavily....developed Liver Disease to the point that I looked like a refugee.....you know the commercials of the little children who are skeletons, yet look as though they are carrying a 2 year old child inside of them! I was falling all the time and was in the ER every 4-5 weeks, having fluid drained. This went on for 5 months and NO help from ANY of my sibs! NONE! If it hadn't been for my Daughter.......we would have starved . No lie. My sister who "took care of my Dad lived 10 blocks away and couldn't be bothered to come help. My Daughter drove through blizzards and bitter cold and with NO license at the time and half an hour away to make sure we had food,etc. And helped with cleaning,laundry, etc., because I just couldn't DO it! My Mother began acting hateful the. All she was worried about was if I had to go to the hospital for more than a night was "what's going to happen to ME if they need to keep you? She continued to push me to do all of the work I had been doing. My Drs. were starting to ask "family" members who would be willing to get test for a match in the event I needed a part of their liver. My Mother said......when I said to her......"Mom....this is not a bad cold or weird strain of flu! This is something that could KILL me! Her response....I kid you not, WAS........yeah, and you sure love the pity party you're getting because of it!!!!!!!! I was getting NO pity...except from My Daughter, 2 Granddaughters, and of course....MY DRS!!!!! I was so horrified that she could say that and just cried my eyes out and kept thinking....God!!! WHY did I come here??? The last time they drained me, they got 8 liters out of me! My stomach was almost MINE again. They had put me on Oxygen because my stomach was pushing on my lungs, suffocating me! That was May of last year. I've since quit drinking...........actually, the 1st day they told me it was alcohol, January 15th 2017. I dumped an almost full bottle. Have spent this time learning how to prepare meals that are approved. Can't take in more than 2 pts. of liquid a day and less than 1/2 teaspoon of salt. No big deal with that. And yet......getting to my point.......my Mother still treats me like I'm stupid and don't know how to do anything. And I have tried.....ENDLESSLY.....to let her know that I understand that she feels helpless.....because she IS..........but that none of it is MY fault and I would appreciate her no taking it out on me. Because I am, again, beginning to sink into deep depression. I wake up everyday.......really wishing I could just DIE!!!!!! It's and endless battle throughout the Summer because she won't let me turn the AC on! If I open windows and doors...she slams them shut because "she's freezing!" Which, we ALL know is her skin is getting thin. She refuses to put more clothes on and I have severe COPD.......which she ALSO doesn't give a damn about. Everyone who comes here says...."OMG Mom!" it's like a furnace in here open a window, a door, anything! And she turns the AC on for them!!! I'm so freakin depressed every single day and I have NO life! at 62!!! She refuses to compromise with me. I have NO friends left in the area.......all moved away..or died. I have NO ONE to turn to to be able to just VENT! I'm really scared of what I might do out of sheer desperation. I have a few 'pals" around her senior living subdivision that when I step outside to chat with them......she gets jealous and screams at me about what am I doimg and how long will I be??? I'm lonely and would just really be happy if I could get a JOB for a few hours a day! Anything to get out of HER house.........as she makes a point of telling me! I'm trying to get my shit together as far as welfare.....which I HATE....because I have worked since I was 14! I'm going to be getting Medicare as ofmJuly, but they are "penalizing me" for no taking it when I got my Disability! SERIOUSLY!!!!! So now I had to swallow what little is left of my pride and try to get a QMBR??? Where they make up the difference of the money they will be taking out. I also applied for EVERYTHING! Medicaid, Link card, etc. It's humiliating, as, like I said......I have worked since I was 14! I just pray every day that God gives me the strength to keep WANTING to go on! I don't feel like HE's hearing me. I'm thankful I found this site and see many stories like mine with selfish,self-absorbed,ARROGANT sibs who don't...for one second....stop to think how THEY would feel if it was THEM! I had a sister die of B rain Cancer a week before my birthday. April 8th........I'm April 16th. When I texted my brother who NEVER comes around he callled my Mother and told her he just reall doesn't CARE! Okay.......I've gone on MORE than long enough and I hope and pray that I didn't bore anyone. Thank you for allowing me to vent.....because as I said........I have NO ONE! Thank You
Donnq

Dorianne - I reached that point with my mother as well. You never want to raise your voice to your mother if you weren't raised in an environment that made it ok to do that - and I wasn't. So having to be stern and firm with my mom was absolutely foreign to me. But it got to a point where she was resisting showering so much that it would be days and days - a week sometimes - before she'd finally agree to do it. Mom was a large woman, and had multiple skin folds that would rub together and cause the skin to break down, and infection/fungus would start in those folds - showering frequently to keep them clean was a must.

I had to finally tell her, as diplomatically as possible, "Mom - there is an odor in the house because you're not washing yourself at all. You are not the only one living in this house - it's unfair that I have to tolerate the odor because you won't bathe. You are taking a shower today and that's all there is to it." She'd hem and haw and say, "ok, I'll do it later - after this tv show (or after dinner or after a nap, etc)" - and I'd have to raise my voice and say, "NO - You are showering NOW."

I *hated* doing that, but it was the only thing that got through to her. After the shower, she'd be all happy and saying how much better she felt. Every single time.

Will be back later tonight, but wanted to send big hugs to

(((((MountainMoose)))))

and

(((((Duck)))))

Also, I can't believe I actually just got my resistant mother into her weekly shower by simply saying, "It's not a question, mom."

I started to log out then started reading.

You guys are as awesome as ever.
Becky I am so glad for you. Glad the truth was revealed.

Golden, Glad, I always have much love for you wise women.

Doriane your humor and straightforwardness hits home base with me and is so uplifting.

(((((HUGS))))))

Here I just wanted to say hi, and I miss you all and reading the post and I write another book. I could never forget you all and I think of you even if I am not on line just like before. Something happens and I want to share. I just be to tired sometimes to log in and the last few times I just kept haveing a hard time.

I am in therapy Yayyyyy!!!! Ithink I love it. I think I am about 4 sessions in. I will be preping for a colonsocopy and endoscopy so I am a little stressed about all that drinking and "stuff". I get caught off guard sometimes now that the wheather is changed and a different season. I used to call my girlfriend while I waited for bus on way to work. I would sit on a bench across from busstop. Then my cousin I keep dreaming of him. He would take me to get flowers and things for the house.

Anyways Hi and much love to all.

Mountain, welcome aboard. did you say cyber family? :) This forum helped save my sanity and much more. I am forever grateful to the wonderful and caring people that are on board here.

A lot of the feedback and support still sticks with me today. Please forgive that I am not checking in more often. the drama continues its the same ole thing just another day. It still tears me apart to see my mother deteriorate. each stage and step she goes through I go through. There is still not a home attendant. Someone has started coming in about once maybe twice a week to clean hall which is such a relief. I am dreaading summer as that comes with the gnats, moths and the ants. I tried a good cleaning for the spring in anticipation of ants and gnats. put down traps my mother kept picking them up and trying to take them apart. Then she daily leaves stuff all around. the sink gets stopped up. the toilet. We had heavey rain and it poured in the kitchen because the gutters were filled. The mice are back but maybe gone now since I didnt see or hear one today when I got home or before I left. The men are still working next door. Its like hammering constantly on wall behind bed. Ive been really tired because there is no escape. I cant sleep. They were fairly quiet this morning so maybe they are finally done. I thought that weeks ago and they came right back with more noise on same wall. then scraping. My neighbor said they are bringing back the marble that was painted over and over onthe fire place.. I thsought they were making a brick wall drilling in the grooves. lol. Then this morning my mother was like to you see all these dancing ladies. Of course there were ants running around on table. I had just cleaned it before I went up in the morning. My mother seems like she is on a special misson sometimes. She tears apart the blue chucks for the dog poop and pee andthere is cotton all around one day she made a skirt.

Some days its really funny other days I want to cry every now and then I just boo hoo in the shower and hope my face clears up before I hit the streets to work.

I truly hope that everyone is fine and making progress with their journey what ever it is. Rays of love peace and joy to you all. Smile and smile and smile it literally keeps me going.
Love you all.

Sibs, look up detaching with love. It will help to deal with the lies and drama making. Learn to not give 2 cents about what your sis says. Limit time around her, set firm boundaries. Hang in there and be kind to yourself.