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Yeah, Dorianne, why are being you like this? You got a problem with crap smeared all over the lino and extra-ironically on your new cheering-up kitchen napery or something?

I used to think my dad was completely unreasonable too, and terribly short-tempered. He yelled, she cried. Then I came to appreciate what a centripetal force of chaos and negativity mother was. Picture her serenely engaged in The Times' crossword while house and family burned. The Gas Board writing letters "too offensive" to reply to while she stocked up on Villeroy & Bosch dinner sets.

I really DO miss her, you know. Hugs! :)
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Dorianne- I think you might be on to something about your Moms behavior since visit from brother. It makes sense. Hang in there.
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Lol, I swear one day mom is going to say, "Why are you like this?" And it will be like that straw, and I'm the camel. And I'm going to snap, "Well, you're the one who raised me, lady!"
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Dorianne... I got the "Why are you like this" gig also... They seem to throw out all the zingers they can to make you feel BAD to them (and, to make them feel right)... My mother walked all over/controlled my stepfather. I felt badly for him (also) before he died... It's a pattern she brought over to me... like I replaced him... only, I don't take her crap.
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My empathy for my father grows every day my mother brings out the crazy.
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Ugh, mom has a laundry basket in her room. And her own bathroom.  And a commode.  And two garbage containers, a bunch of plastic bags, towels, flannel washcloths, disposable washcloths, flushable butt wipes, and spare Depends. No, she just has to bring her chaos out into the main living area. For fun, I guess.

I found poo all over the floor when I got back from taking her to dialysis. I didn't see it because the kitchen light was off this morning (dark floor), but there it was. Bum smear, where she fell, and then smeared where she scooted on the floor to the dining room. And poo on the good, bright red and white kitchen towels I bought with my own money to perk up the kitchen. Oh, but she'll wash the towels, she snaps at me, like it's no big deal. And she'll never do it. She hasn't done one task she's said she was going to do....pretty much since she moved here. Maybe long before - who knows how long she's been playing this game of "When I Feel Better"?

She is currently sulking because I told her, "No more refusing home support help. Or else I can't do this anymore." She knows what "I can't do this anymore" means. It means she won't get to stay in her own home. That's the one thing she desperately wants, so I'm using it against her. Yes, I am. I'm not even ashamed anymore. 

"Why are you like this?" she snapped.  Not for the first time.

Why am I like this.

GRRRR...ARGH...ARGLE-BLARGLE-ARRRRGGGHH.
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Thank you Glad, Golden, Countrymouse... My mind has been really 'screwed' up lately due to family BS/sort of brainwashing... (they'd like to think). My mother always has to 'one-up' me so she always thinks she's the 'Superior' Mother (think Mother Theresa). Dorianne... It's that and all the above... I think some mothers just think they are Superior (mostly to daughters IMO) no matter what... Sure makes caregiving for THEM.... HELL!
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Thanks Golden. I did not know this and it took me by surprise.
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Yes, all of the above, Dorianne, which adds up basically to her just being in a foul mood. She's fed up. She's maybe also having a bit of a reaction mentally, having exerted herself to pay attention to the State Visit, and is even less focused on process than normal.

I just hope to goodness it settles down again. Your best bet is to ignore it as far as possible and think ahead to preempt any practical problems - put a laundry basket in her room if you can't get her immediately back to having help with changing, that kind of thing.

You may also want to go into your room and curse your brother, I know I would.
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Oh my gosh you guys. I think I just figured out why mom has been mean and defiant again since bro's visit. Tell me if you think this is possible?

I think she is trying to prove she can still be independent and doesn't need help. The first time she got nasty again was the first night bro was here - the bedtime home support worker came to get her changed, and bro decided that's when it was time for him to go back to his hotel room. Mom was super mean to the worker and refused ALL help. And it's been going that way since.

I might be wrong, but I think she's embarrassed, or maybe thinks her care needs are what's keeping her son from visiting, or maybe just determined to try and prove she's fine/independent, and doesn't need the extra help. Which, of course, ends up making more work for me. (This morning at 6:30 I found her on the dining room floor - she tries to walk independently but can't.  The kitchen drawers were all pulled apart in a search for bags and towels, and her dirty Depends and pajama bottoms were in the middle of the kitchen. This is after yesterday when she refused to let me or home support get her changed.)

What do you think? 

If I could figure out the psychology behind this behavioral change, I think I could approach it better with her.
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sharyn I do know that ms is prevalent in temperate climates and I think there are geographical "belts" where the incidence is high. Scotland has a high incidence.
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Wow, is it true 1 in 50 people in Colorado will get MS?
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heart I have wondered how you were and why we didn't hear from you. You are right that the family dysfunction affects us permanently. It still hurts me too which is why I keep my distance. It is too hard. Come back and ramble any time.

50sChild - no birds here. R said for the first time in his life he hasn't seen a robin by Easter. So glad you have such great caregivers for your dad. Moving mother out of her very nice ALF two bedroom apartment was the hardest for me. I knew it was the end of life as she knew it and had lived it for years and years, but she needed the specialised care she was going to. It was difficult, but necessary.

dori - ouch! So sorry you have been in such pain. Even without your type of problem it is hard to find shoes that work. Hoping your mum's mood changes for the better. Do some good things for you. Are you still swimming?

sharyn -keep us updated about your bro. He is very brave to go hiking. I know he went through a lot with his family.

becky -glad you have found shoes that work I used to love heels too and have a gold snakeskin pair upstairs that I will never wear again. Last year I bought a pair of funky black suede boots with heels. Haven't worn them yet and may never. Keep the silver ones!!!!

glad - venting here has kept many of us (relatively) sane. Hope the house plans are coming along and the weather cooperates.

Going to try to get a better night's sleep. 3 hrs and a nap isn't enough. Take care all.
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Heart come back more often. We have missed you. Just say hi or rant whatever you need we are here.
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Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom... yes, wisdom... with heart and love and compassion. Reading all of these posts made me feel like I came home to my AC family again... Although I've been swamped with caregiving, house, care, and life's many worries, I had problems with the AC site, so I was quite frustrated (still don't understand why I don't get emails for post replies, etc.) so I just pop in once in a while... You all bring up so many good points... Which is worse?... having bad sibs to interfere with caregiving close by or having them far away... so may things that make your mind reel somethimes. One thing we can all agree on is how very difficult this all is and how it affects our lives permanently. Who,would have thought when we we all younger that it would be this hard. Even though my mother is the way she is, I will always love her... Sometimes, I feel like she's two people in one... and, maybe she is... But, still in all... there's been too much heartbreak and I just don't understand why families can't get along... On the other hand... I get it... it's just not possible for humans. Just rambling... I love all of you... praying that things will get easier for you... You're all so special.
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Dori, hope you get to feeling better. Shoes are one of the biggest issues I contend with now. I have diabetic neuropathy in my foot and lower leg. Changed the shape of my foot. I buy Sketchers because they adapt to my foot. But I have to break them in carefully.

I've always been a shoe junkie (inherited trait from my mother). Four or five inch heels my favorite. Now I'd break my neck if I tried to wear those. I have a pair of silver ones with ankle straps I got at a boutique in Dallas. Got to wear them twice. Broke my heart. I love those shoes. Can't bring myself to get rid of them.
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Hey all.....quick check in. Been having a ton of pain from my injury since Friday, horrible. Ugh. It was triggered by new shoes, which I foolishly wore all day, out in the world, without testing them first. Started with pain in my lower back and then BOOM, everything seized up from pelvis to skull.  I haven't had new shoes for a couple of years, and I bought good ones (Skechers). This doesn't bode well!

Plus mom is still back to her psycho "mean girl" ways, STILL since bro's visit. And I'd been starting to enjoy being around her again.....sigh. I dunno what's up with her.  But yeah, the whole weekend's been a write-off, overall.

Anyway, I miss you all! I was just in no frame of mind (or body!) to sit up and join in the forum over the weekend. Big hugs to everyone!
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Heart2Heart wrote: "I wish I could be the kind of person that doesn't care... but that's not me..." and fellow Winter Wearies write of the despair Northerners feel with this winter that doesn't care how tired and depressed it can make you feel. Today my father was without power, with no restoration in sight. His ingenious caregiver used the medical alert via her cell phone to ask about how to administer his breathing treatment without electric. They dispatched the very same fireman who picked him up off the floor Monday. He left them an Oxygen tank that somehow is outfitted with backup power, which can be hooked up to Dad's compressor, saying "Veteran to Veteran." Dad's incredible caregiver volunteers to spend the night on bad days like this, and I just go numb with grateful thanks. We have ice here too, and I'm 150 miles away. A reasonable person would say it's time for Dad to move to skilled nursing. But I can't pull reason out of my burned out magic hat. So I'm going to defer to the Medicaid planning attorney's advice, next week I hope. So many fears and tears, and so much gone numbly dry. Northerners, did you at least get to hear the spring birds chirping away so happily in the snow and icefall this morning? My deck has about a 3-4 inch depth of 1-inch ice pellets, perhaps they fell off the roof. Hoping we all get through another day, restored.
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I've always been a reader. In late grade school or junior high I was fascinated by the Steinbeck's "The Winter of Our Discontent" and discovered it had nothing to do with winter. However, this never ending winter is making me discontent. It's not unusual for Maine to have snow up to early days of May. But this year it looks like it might be August before it all melts.

 This weekend has been a little better, it rained and I saw some brown on the side of the road. We were so burnt out with bad weather, we went to Boston yesterday afternoon. Stayed overnight at the Four Season. Girls were impressed and had fun. We went to American Girl for lunch and then to the Lego store. Kids have had fun. We should be home shortly. Stopped at LL Bean. Kids loved the trout pond. I found a raincoat on sale - definitely needed a new one.
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Winter like weather seems to be hanging on everywhere this year. We are having lots of wind, grey skies and some rain. It flip flops between the 30’s to the mid 40’s for the morning low. We had some flurries early last week. I don’t want to complain too much as I know the heat is coming.

Take care everyone, hoping you all have a restful day.
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good decision ali!!!

dori - glad your bro came and had some kind (his kind) of a visit. It is what he can do.

heart - sorry you are so ground down. Your mum will never appreciate what you are doing for her -she can't. Her brain isn't wired that way. Here we all care for our parents -even those of us who have our parents in a facility. We care for them and we care for ourselves. Put the oxygen on yourself first.

glad - I am with you. I would rather have uninvolved sibs than one's who accuse me of mismanagement of mother's money, and in my case, then expect me to smile and go for tea with them.

It's not only narc seniors that try to manipulate, but also 14 yr old granddaughters. Thank goodness dd is back on her proper meds, and we can talk again. Dgd tried a few things on me, but I headed her off at the pass and referred her back to her mother.

I have been burnt out by this long winter, There is still lots of snow on the front lawn, and some in the back. It is usually gone by now. We have only reached a few degrees above freezing for short periods of time the last couple of days, but melting is underway. The sun is bright, but the air is still cold.

One of the vicissitudes of old age is that your friends get sick. A long time friend (aged 74) just had a second bad attack of a fib. Tests show her heart muscle and blood vessels are healthy, which is good, but, despite zapping her, they have not been able to get her heart rate regulated, so she is experiencing periods of breathlessness and dizziness. She already has some age related memory loss and any cardiac problems will likely exacerbate that and dizziness can bring falls. Both affect quality of life. It is the old thing - live healthy and you die anyway. She and her hub eat properly, never smoked, walk long walks every day (not any more) and so on. However, she is very tightly strung, and that doesn't help. She is home now and regulating HR as best she can with meds. Her hub had to cancel his knee surgery. She is a fastidious housekeeper, and I wonder how she is going to manage now. There are some advantages to being more relaxed about the house. Decorate it nicely, and a few things out of place and a little dust doesn't matter.

R mentioned the other day that when I go he would... I told him that, despite the age difference, not to assume that I would go first. He has lost a couple of cousins already, and mother is still alive.

Have a good day everyone -do something good for you. I think I need a nap.
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Heart-(HUGS) It's rough, hang in there.
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Heart, good to hear from you and sorry things with mom are so hard now. You have been with mom for a long time. Sounds like you need some respite time. Would that be possible? Even a couple of days. I was fortunate that my mom was always appreciative of the care I provided, really very sweet in that respect. It was the twisted that made life so darned difficult. Stepdad was just as grateful as mom. Course mom's Alzheimer's did cause her angry and confused times, but now that she is gone, maybe I am beginning to remember the better of times.

Twisteds vindictiveness is what finished me. Which would be easier to deal with? Vindictiveness? Detached uninvolved sibs? Don't know, seems one feeds the other, at least in my case.
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Heart, I've lived thru a similar situation. I know the no matter what I did it wasn't right, not good enough. One brother ignored and avoided. Other brother and his family spent all of their time stealing money from my mom and also. I realized I had had enough. I made plans and moved about a thousand miles away. My Mom ended up living near me until,she passed. She realized after I left what was going on with my brother and also about her own behavior. Come here to vent anytime. Many of the posters on this thread have had similar experiences.
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Guest... It's all the years of spending my life to try and do the 'right' things for my mother who disrespects me, criticizes me, demeans me, and has taken up the best years of my life... while the ol' brothers who do nothing from afar live their lives... My mother is cruel towards me (verbally) and, doesn't acknowledge anything I have done or said to help her all these years... Even, after falling 4 months ago and breaking her hip wasn't enough for her to 'wake' up... I didn't sleep for months during this time at the hospital, rehab and home with therapist, etc... I wish I could 'accept' that this is the 'way' she is... but it always hurts me so much... It's all been exhausting and paralyzing to my life... Life can be so hard... I wish I could be the kind of person that doesn't care... but that's not me...
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Sorry heart. What happen?
Smart decision Ali!
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Doing?... After 14 years... I've lost my mind.... heart... opportunities... life...
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My mother misplaced her drivers' license(again). So I can't anything but happy, as her driving has been getting worse.

The bad part is, she also misplaced her American Express card.

She is still looking for them.
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Good job Ali. Let them be.
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Good for you Ali! You did your part and the time getting your dad where he is now.
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