
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
I used to think my dad was completely unreasonable too, and terribly short-tempered. He yelled, she cried. Then I came to appreciate what a centripetal force of chaos and negativity mother was. Picture her serenely engaged in The Times' crossword while house and family burned. The Gas Board writing letters "too offensive" to reply to while she stocked up on Villeroy & Bosch dinner sets.
I really DO miss her, you know. Hugs! :)
I found poo all over the floor when I got back from taking her to dialysis. I didn't see it because the kitchen light was off this morning (dark floor), but there it was. Bum smear, where she fell, and then smeared where she scooted on the floor to the dining room. And poo on the good, bright red and white kitchen towels I bought with my own money to perk up the kitchen. Oh, but she'll wash the towels, she snaps at me, like it's no big deal. And she'll never do it. She hasn't done one task she's said she was going to do....pretty much since she moved here. Maybe long before - who knows how long she's been playing this game of "When I Feel Better"?
She is currently sulking because I told her, "No more refusing home support help. Or else I can't do this anymore." She knows what "I can't do this anymore" means. It means she won't get to stay in her own home. That's the one thing she desperately wants, so I'm using it against her. Yes, I am. I'm not even ashamed anymore.
"Why are you like this?" she snapped. Not for the first time.
Why am I like this.
GRRRR...ARGH...ARGLE-BLARGLE-ARRRRGGGHH.
I just hope to goodness it settles down again. Your best bet is to ignore it as far as possible and think ahead to preempt any practical problems - put a laundry basket in her room if you can't get her immediately back to having help with changing, that kind of thing.
You may also want to go into your room and curse your brother, I know I would.
I think she is trying to prove she can still be independent and doesn't need help. The first time she got nasty again was the first night bro was here - the bedtime home support worker came to get her changed, and bro decided that's when it was time for him to go back to his hotel room. Mom was super mean to the worker and refused ALL help. And it's been going that way since.
I might be wrong, but I think she's embarrassed, or maybe thinks her care needs are what's keeping her son from visiting, or maybe just determined to try and prove she's fine/independent, and doesn't need the extra help. Which, of course, ends up making more work for me. (This morning at 6:30 I found her on the dining room floor - she tries to walk independently but can't. The kitchen drawers were all pulled apart in a search for bags and towels, and her dirty Depends and pajama bottoms were in the middle of the kitchen. This is after yesterday when she refused to let me or home support get her changed.)
What do you think?
If I could figure out the psychology behind this behavioral change, I think I could approach it better with her.
50sChild - no birds here. R said for the first time in his life he hasn't seen a robin by Easter. So glad you have such great caregivers for your dad. Moving mother out of her very nice ALF two bedroom apartment was the hardest for me. I knew it was the end of life as she knew it and had lived it for years and years, but she needed the specialised care she was going to. It was difficult, but necessary.
dori - ouch! So sorry you have been in such pain. Even without your type of problem it is hard to find shoes that work. Hoping your mum's mood changes for the better. Do some good things for you. Are you still swimming?
sharyn -keep us updated about your bro. He is very brave to go hiking. I know he went through a lot with his family.
becky -glad you have found shoes that work I used to love heels too and have a gold snakeskin pair upstairs that I will never wear again. Last year I bought a pair of funky black suede boots with heels. Haven't worn them yet and may never. Keep the silver ones!!!!
glad - venting here has kept many of us (relatively) sane. Hope the house plans are coming along and the weather cooperates.
Going to try to get a better night's sleep. 3 hrs and a nap isn't enough. Take care all.
I've always been a shoe junkie (inherited trait from my mother). Four or five inch heels my favorite. Now I'd break my neck if I tried to wear those. I have a pair of silver ones with ankle straps I got at a boutique in Dallas. Got to wear them twice. Broke my heart. I love those shoes. Can't bring myself to get rid of them.
Plus mom is still back to her psycho "mean girl" ways, STILL since bro's visit. And I'd been starting to enjoy being around her again.....sigh. I dunno what's up with her. But yeah, the whole weekend's been a write-off, overall.
Anyway, I miss you all! I was just in no frame of mind (or body!) to sit up and join in the forum over the weekend. Big hugs to everyone!
This weekend has been a little better, it rained and I saw some brown on the side of the road. We were so burnt out with bad weather, we went to Boston yesterday afternoon. Stayed overnight at the Four Season. Girls were impressed and had fun. We went to American Girl for lunch and then to the Lego store. Kids have had fun. We should be home shortly. Stopped at LL Bean. Kids loved the trout pond. I found a raincoat on sale - definitely needed a new one.
Take care everyone, hoping you all have a restful day.
dori - glad your bro came and had some kind (his kind) of a visit. It is what he can do.
heart - sorry you are so ground down. Your mum will never appreciate what you are doing for her -she can't. Her brain isn't wired that way. Here we all care for our parents -even those of us who have our parents in a facility. We care for them and we care for ourselves. Put the oxygen on yourself first.
glad - I am with you. I would rather have uninvolved sibs than one's who accuse me of mismanagement of mother's money, and in my case, then expect me to smile and go for tea with them.
It's not only narc seniors that try to manipulate, but also 14 yr old granddaughters. Thank goodness dd is back on her proper meds, and we can talk again. Dgd tried a few things on me, but I headed her off at the pass and referred her back to her mother.
I have been burnt out by this long winter, There is still lots of snow on the front lawn, and some in the back. It is usually gone by now. We have only reached a few degrees above freezing for short periods of time the last couple of days, but melting is underway. The sun is bright, but the air is still cold.
One of the vicissitudes of old age is that your friends get sick. A long time friend (aged 74) just had a second bad attack of a fib. Tests show her heart muscle and blood vessels are healthy, which is good, but, despite zapping her, they have not been able to get her heart rate regulated, so she is experiencing periods of breathlessness and dizziness. She already has some age related memory loss and any cardiac problems will likely exacerbate that and dizziness can bring falls. Both affect quality of life. It is the old thing - live healthy and you die anyway. She and her hub eat properly, never smoked, walk long walks every day (not any more) and so on. However, she is very tightly strung, and that doesn't help. She is home now and regulating HR as best she can with meds. Her hub had to cancel his knee surgery. She is a fastidious housekeeper, and I wonder how she is going to manage now. There are some advantages to being more relaxed about the house. Decorate it nicely, and a few things out of place and a little dust doesn't matter.
R mentioned the other day that when I go he would... I told him that, despite the age difference, not to assume that I would go first. He has lost a couple of cousins already, and mother is still alive.
Have a good day everyone -do something good for you. I think I need a nap.
Twisteds vindictiveness is what finished me. Which would be easier to deal with? Vindictiveness? Detached uninvolved sibs? Don't know, seems one feeds the other, at least in my case.
Smart decision Ali!
The bad part is, she also misplaced her American Express card.
She is still looking for them.