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Susan, Good luck. I don't envy you that task. My brother bought my mom a Kindle before she passed. It was great for her to use to read books, but she had to have constant help with it.
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Becky - I'll be doing some volunteer work for our local agency on aging later this summer. I volunteered to do a course that teaches seniors how to use their computers, smartphones, iPads, tablets, email and Facebook. Their kids get them these gadgets, thinking it's just common sense to know how to use them - but it's not for seniors who've never used one.
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Finished my last volunteer day with AARP for this year. I work as a volunteer tax preparer at the senior center. I work one day a week from the first week of February thru mid April. It's a good service and if you need help, call your local senior center to see if the service is available in your area. The service is free and preparer's are trained in the fall for any new tax code changes.
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Thank you Margaux. I hope all is well with you and your family.
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Sharynmarie,

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother. I will include you and your brother in a meditation. It is truly amazing that your brother continues his activities, and good for him. My heart goes out to you Sharynmarie.

Much Love & Light,
Margeaux
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CM, as I've said before, my opening line at my father's funeral was "You can't make somebody love you the way you want them to. You either accept that they love you the best you can, or you move on." Your ex is a narcissist; you and daughter know that. At some point, she will *move on* (I did and followed his example of minimal involvement and found other relationships that were satisfying) and like my father, he will have no idea why....
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It might be related to intervals between dialysis, Dorianne - in layman's terms, dependent on how many shades of crap she's feeling like, maybe. Plus, yes, I expect bro stirred up a fair few emotions - good and bad, probably, but it's the stirring that's the trouble.

Does this never end? Just had Daughter 1 on the phone. She is mainly happy and excited, new job going well, successful interview yesterday for next rotation, comfortable new apartment, supportive relationship, all nice to hear. Then she mentions in passing that her Dad is not coming to her graduation in the summer. "Sorry but we're a bit tied up. Really proud of you," he texted her.

Turns out that he is tied up because the following week he has to sit in a car while his wife, who works full-time (he's retired) and will have done all the laundry and packing, drives him 250 miles to the beach hotel they're going to on vacation; and apparently he needs to take a bit of a run-up for this project. Really takes it out of you, sitting on your arse while everyone else does the work.

This is, to be fair, DD1's third graduation. But that is also kind of the point. She has knocked down one target after another in her quest to win praise and acknowledgement from her father. Followed in his footsteps, overachieving at every milestone. Always tried to include him and show gratitude for his (almost exclusively financial) support. And he is forever Just Not Interested. I wish she could stop caring.
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Dori, I’m not sure how big the tanks are, but if he does much walking/ hiking he will need them. He said they will deliver them anywhere.
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Wow, Sharyn - 21 tanks? I don't know a lot about the equipment. How big are they? Are they heavy tanks?

So mom has become a little bit defiant and weird again....I've heard the phrase "non-compliant" and that's totally the right description of her right now! Or maybe "oppositional defiance disordered," lol. It started on the night bro was here. Maybe it has something to do with her routine being unsettled, or maybe just being agitated about him being here/not visiting too much?  (Edit: he went home Sunday morning.) I dunno. I thought she'd moved past this dementia phase. I guess it's cyclical.
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I worked in the back yard making a mound/berm at the fence line. Not close to being done but I am done for the day, lol! I hope I don’t hurt too much tomorrow!

I’m working most morning shifts 6-2 weekends, 7-2 weekdays at least 3 days a week and I love it! I also work 10-3 or 3-8. This week it’s all morning shifts. I do poop out early and am ready for bed by 9 but I force myself to stay up till 10.
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Sorry Send, thank you! I called my bro a bit ago. He and sil were in Barstow on their way back from Locklin. A little gambling and time away from home. He said he has to be tested again to qualify for the transplant list. Right now he can get out with portable oxygen but it only goes to a level 5. The tanks go higher but are a hassle to use. He can’t take brisk walks anymore but is hoping to go camping in a few weeks. He will need like 21 tanks being in the higher elevation as they only last 2 hours or maybe 4. It sucks for him but I am glad he is able to get out and enjoy himself right now.
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Thank you Dori and everyone! Dysfunctional families make it harder as you all know. I love this thread to help keep me sane and out of the mentally.
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SharynMarie,
There have been a lot of trials for you and your family.
I am sorry your brother is ill, but want to check in with you
that my thoughts are with you and continued prayers.

Hope you have a day filled with encouragement, some good news to come, and all your needs met for today. Hug that family of yours!
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We got a heavy frost this morning. At least it is clear blue sky. I hope everyone has a good day
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My sis complained frequently about our brother not helping with our mom. He did what he could in spite of losing his step son to colon cancer, supporting his wife during this time and 6 months later her daughter is diagnosed with advanced rectal cancer. Not to mention his own illness. My sis sees life through rose colored glasses, Pollyanna. It was very frustrating.
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I hear you Dori. My Mom pulls the same stuff. She has a Good/Bad meter for other people. Interestingly enough, her standards are governed by how much she can manipulate that person for her own gain. Not surprising...she can't stand my husband.
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Trying - just to add, thinking of your perspective there. I want to think that's part of it. In our situation, during the last 10 years she was still in Vancouver, mom very much gave me the impression that my brother had become extremely self-absorbed and selfish, and only called her when he wanted to borrow the car! Now that mom is here and I'm staying with her, I don't know how much of that is true or just stuff my mom wanted me to believe, or how much of it is mom just expecting others to intuit what she wants/needs (or perhaps stubbornly refusing help so that he gave up sooner than I would've). I've really been calling her lifelong mental health into question lately, in a way I hadn't before. 
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Ah, Barb....well that is another thing I definitely need to take into account. And it's complicated. When our parents split, bro (12) chose to stay with dad and I (8) chose to go with mom. (Mom offered us both the choice.) Stepmom came into the picture when I was 12, but she and dad didn't live together till bro (18) had moved out. He resented her and saw her as interfering. (I saw her as a natural leader and a positive influence.) Bro got asked to join a band right after high school and went on the road for a couple of years, then lived with mom throughout his 20s, except for about 3 years somewhere in the middle, where he lived with a girlfriend. Mom was sober then, and I got the impression they were pretty close during those years, except that he was embarrassed over living at home that long (Vancouver's rental/housing market has always been expensive).

It's probably noteworthy that I've played the caregiver role to all 3 of them (though barely at all with stepmom, since she didn't really NEED much caregiving, plus she had 5 children of her own to share the load), while he's remained out of the picture. Maybe that's where some of my own resentment comes in. I was kind of waiting for him to take charge of mom's care needs as I had dad's (especially since they lived in the same town!)....I figured it was his turn, but he never did it. I'm not convinced that's entirely his fault, now that I know how stubborn mom is about resisting help! I'm not convinced he's a take charge person, either, which I kind of....am. Or have become. (Partly my stepmother's influence and partly from my non-profit days, when I came to understand that leadership is what happens when you get sick of waiting for other people to get sh** done!)

Wow, this is a longer and much more navel-gazey reply than I expected it to be!

Thank you for saying I'm extraordinary, but I don't think I am!

glad - for sure, I agree with you. I think that's the reasoning I was trying to come to with my last post last night. I'd write more, but lordie, this is long and self-involved enough already! Lol.

EDIT....Trying - sorry, I missed your comment, it must have posted while I was writing this one!  I appreciate that perspective!
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Interesting topic. My husband and I had a similar conversation this morning but our take on the subject, was a bit different.

My husband is a loving man and he is there for people when needed but he is not inclined to hover or fuss, by the same token he would not feel comfortable if someone did that to him. He has clear boundaries and a fairly low tolerance level for high maintenance people. He carries no guilt about this and he is far from weak.

When he and I met, I was just beginning to learn how miserable I was because of my overactive sense of duty and responsibility to serve the needs (usually more like wants) of others. That was 28 years ago. In that time I have learned a lot from my husband and he says he has learned from me.

I've learned that my goodness and worth is not measured by how much I do for others. My husband says I taught him it's ok that some people need a little more than we do.

I think men and woman can learn a lot from each other.
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Dori, you were rescued in your childhood by dad and stepmom, yes? Dis brother get recued, too?

Different kids of the same parents have very different relationships with those parents. My brother (second child, chronically ill, lots of learning difficulties as a child) was a total attention sucker when my youngest brother and I (Both straight A students) were kids. Out job was to be perfect.

Not surprisingly, #2 ended up as parent's confidante and POA. And did all the heavy lifting in terms of arranging mom's care and visiting.

He declared at the wake that we'd had a perfect childhood. Youngest brother and I rolled our eyes.

My point is that your brother may have not overcome the more interesting parts of your shred childhood experiences with mom was well as you have, Dori.

And by the way, YOU are an extraordinary human being!
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Caring for our elderly, sick loved ones is not a job many can do. It is not just males that can't, some can, but many females can't either. I have two twisteds that could not, would not assist. Even asking for a break and one of them to make that possible did not happen but once when I needed time away at thanksgiving to spend with someone other than my sick mom and hubby. Initially they would not help there either, instead they called an agency to get them to cover the large majority of that four days. When they found out the cost they then very reluctantly took those four days. It wasnt them, it was only one of them that considered the commitment required. But I did go and ts2 spent the majority of those days with mom and stepdad.

Dori, bro did come, though reluctantly. He did see mom, maybe reluctantly. At least he was there, visited mom as you asked, brought he the player, and told mom to do what you said. Some are able to be caregivers, others are not. At least he KNOWS the he would not be able to handle the day to day as you do.

Dori, recognize that he is doing something, what he is able to do, what he s willing to do and probably not at all comfortably. Just try to understand how difficult for him it must be. He may feel guilty about not doing more and that is something he is going to have to wrestle with, he doesn't need reminders. He knows he could not do what you do and, if I recall, told you as much. You are doing a difficult job, beyond impossible for so many, and be proud of yourself that you are one of very few people that can.
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Thanks both of you. I am probably being too hard on him.

He did finally come to visit. He brought mom a little stereo CD player for her bedroom like I asked him to, and made her some CDs like Frank Sinatra, Paul Simon, and Van Morrison.  And connected my new smartphone (which I'm still dumb about) through bluetooth, so I can broadcast music or audio books from my phone to her stereo, which is pretty cool! 

He also backed me up when she got rebellious a couple of times today (after being mean to the worker last night, she's been mean to me a few times today). And when he was leaving tonight (he's heading out early in the morning), he told her, "Do what Dori says, Mom."

So. Trying to remember to be grateful for the good things, instead of resentful about the not-so-good things!
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Dorianne,

Lol @ you not caring about what your brother thinks you think about Trump.

And I don’t have any clue why, must be a nature thing, but men in general do seem to be weaker than females. At least in my family that’s a rule and it is evident outside of the caregiving world, just in life in general.

But it’s also true that some people don’t have the inner strength to see and let alone take care of anyone, nothing to do with how much they love the person. My mom for example, tells me that when my grandma (who I didn’t get to meet) was ill before she passed away, my mom could not handle seeing her like that, and she loved/loves my grandmother tremendously! but couldn’t take seeing her that way. She would make sure she had everything she needed, nurses, doctors, etc, but she could not be her caregiver.

I told my mom: Don’t worry about me mom, I’m different, I can take care of you, I’m strong.

My mom and I, we both love, but our way of loving is different and our capabilities are also different. We live love differently yet I know that doesn’t make either one of us better or worse than the other.
I’m very glad I’m not weak in that sense because I’m all my mom has, I better be able to be all she needs me to be for her!
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Dorianne, I am sorry your brother wasn't very loving or compassionate to your Mom or you. I hope maybe in some way at least it did your Mom good to see him? I know it was difficult for you, and you seemed to have handled it all well,and with a good perspective on the situation. I am glad also that your best guy friend is good to you and your Mom.
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Well, bro came over at almost 3, we watched one of the Star Wars movies, and he just went back to his room to eat and have a nap. He's going to come back later and I suppose we'll watch the other one.

When he showed up, mom was still in bed, having her tea. He wouldn't go into her room! I told him to "Go on in, she's sitting up, there's a chair and everything"....nope. He ran back to his hotel room (the hotel is across the parking lot) because he forgot his water.

Then straight to the movie. So no one has to talk, I guess.

I think he ran back to his room hoping I'd have mom up and arranged appropriately on the sofa by the time he got back. (Which I did, because why fight it?) He can barely look at her. He doesn't even offer to do any of the dumb little things I do - arrange her blanket, help her get her legs up on the sofa, get her a cup of tea....nothing. I don't think I've even seen him touch her yet.

I know lots of people don't know how to relate to the sick, disabled, or elderly. I know they say lots of men are not oriented towards caregiving. But I think I'm realizing that he's also kind of....weak. Just weak. That's why he doesn't come. That's why he doesn't call. He can't handle it. If he has an emotional IQ at all, I don't think I could find it.  It's not that he doesn't love her, in his way.  But he's sure got no natural compassion, no intuition, no.....I wanna say no empathy?  That's what it is when you can't read another person's obvious needs, right? 

I take back what I said. I don't care what he thinks about my opinion of the American president.

I always knew my best guy friend was a better brother to me, but now I know he's also a better son to my mom. 
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Becky - yes he did, and he did have a brownie despite being on a diet. He even said, "This is good! Really good!"  Which made me extra-happy because he was a restaurant cook for 20 years.  My last long post was about how the evening ended, lol.

Chris - sushi-shaped candy makes an excellent substitute!
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Sushi, looks wonderful. but tastes awful.
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Dorianne, Did your brother show up or did you have to eat another pan of brownies? Hope he showed up so your mother wasn't disappointed.
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It's so true....I don't even remember how it came up.

Tomorrow is another day.

I'm gonna go finish the leftover frosting in the fridge.....
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What is it they say about politics, sex and religion?.............oh yes, avoid those topics.

Sorry it did not go better Dorianne but at least he showed up..............and ate a brownie. Small victory!!!! :)
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