
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
I'm so sorry to hear about your brother. I will include you and your brother in a meditation. It is truly amazing that your brother continues his activities, and good for him. My heart goes out to you Sharynmarie.
Much Love & Light,
Margeaux
Does this never end? Just had Daughter 1 on the phone. She is mainly happy and excited, new job going well, successful interview yesterday for next rotation, comfortable new apartment, supportive relationship, all nice to hear. Then she mentions in passing that her Dad is not coming to her graduation in the summer. "Sorry but we're a bit tied up. Really proud of you," he texted her.
Turns out that he is tied up because the following week he has to sit in a car while his wife, who works full-time (he's retired) and will have done all the laundry and packing, drives him 250 miles to the beach hotel they're going to on vacation; and apparently he needs to take a bit of a run-up for this project. Really takes it out of you, sitting on your arse while everyone else does the work.
This is, to be fair, DD1's third graduation. But that is also kind of the point. She has knocked down one target after another in her quest to win praise and acknowledgement from her father. Followed in his footsteps, overachieving at every milestone. Always tried to include him and show gratitude for his (almost exclusively financial) support. And he is forever Just Not Interested. I wish she could stop caring.
So mom has become a little bit defiant and weird again....I've heard the phrase "non-compliant" and that's totally the right description of her right now! Or maybe "oppositional defiance disordered," lol. It started on the night bro was here. Maybe it has something to do with her routine being unsettled, or maybe just being agitated about him being here/not visiting too much? (Edit: he went home Sunday morning.) I dunno. I thought she'd moved past this dementia phase. I guess it's cyclical.
I’m working most morning shifts 6-2 weekends, 7-2 weekdays at least 3 days a week and I love it! I also work 10-3 or 3-8. This week it’s all morning shifts. I do poop out early and am ready for bed by 9 but I force myself to stay up till 10.
There have been a lot of trials for you and your family.
I am sorry your brother is ill, but want to check in with you
that my thoughts are with you and continued prayers.
Hope you have a day filled with encouragement, some good news to come, and all your needs met for today. Hug that family of yours!
It's probably noteworthy that I've played the caregiver role to all 3 of them (though barely at all with stepmom, since she didn't really NEED much caregiving, plus she had 5 children of her own to share the load), while he's remained out of the picture. Maybe that's where some of my own resentment comes in. I was kind of waiting for him to take charge of mom's care needs as I had dad's (especially since they lived in the same town!)....I figured it was his turn, but he never did it. I'm not convinced that's entirely his fault, now that I know how stubborn mom is about resisting help! I'm not convinced he's a take charge person, either, which I kind of....am. Or have become. (Partly my stepmother's influence and partly from my non-profit days, when I came to understand that leadership is what happens when you get sick of waiting for other people to get sh** done!)
Wow, this is a longer and much more navel-gazey reply than I expected it to be!
Thank you for saying I'm extraordinary, but I don't think I am!
glad - for sure, I agree with you. I think that's the reasoning I was trying to come to with my last post last night. I'd write more, but lordie, this is long and self-involved enough already! Lol.
EDIT....Trying - sorry, I missed your comment, it must have posted while I was writing this one! I appreciate that perspective!
My husband is a loving man and he is there for people when needed but he is not inclined to hover or fuss, by the same token he would not feel comfortable if someone did that to him. He has clear boundaries and a fairly low tolerance level for high maintenance people. He carries no guilt about this and he is far from weak.
When he and I met, I was just beginning to learn how miserable I was because of my overactive sense of duty and responsibility to serve the needs (usually more like wants) of others. That was 28 years ago. In that time I have learned a lot from my husband and he says he has learned from me.
I've learned that my goodness and worth is not measured by how much I do for others. My husband says I taught him it's ok that some people need a little more than we do.
I think men and woman can learn a lot from each other.
Different kids of the same parents have very different relationships with those parents. My brother (second child, chronically ill, lots of learning difficulties as a child) was a total attention sucker when my youngest brother and I (Both straight A students) were kids. Out job was to be perfect.
Not surprisingly, #2 ended up as parent's confidante and POA. And did all the heavy lifting in terms of arranging mom's care and visiting.
He declared at the wake that we'd had a perfect childhood. Youngest brother and I rolled our eyes.
My point is that your brother may have not overcome the more interesting parts of your shred childhood experiences with mom was well as you have, Dori.
And by the way, YOU are an extraordinary human being!
Dori, bro did come, though reluctantly. He did see mom, maybe reluctantly. At least he was there, visited mom as you asked, brought he the player, and told mom to do what you said. Some are able to be caregivers, others are not. At least he KNOWS the he would not be able to handle the day to day as you do.
Dori, recognize that he is doing something, what he is able to do, what he s willing to do and probably not at all comfortably. Just try to understand how difficult for him it must be. He may feel guilty about not doing more and that is something he is going to have to wrestle with, he doesn't need reminders. He knows he could not do what you do and, if I recall, told you as much. You are doing a difficult job, beyond impossible for so many, and be proud of yourself that you are one of very few people that can.
He did finally come to visit. He brought mom a little stereo CD player for her bedroom like I asked him to, and made her some CDs like Frank Sinatra, Paul Simon, and Van Morrison. And connected my new smartphone (which I'm still dumb about) through bluetooth, so I can broadcast music or audio books from my phone to her stereo, which is pretty cool!
He also backed me up when she got rebellious a couple of times today (after being mean to the worker last night, she's been mean to me a few times today). And when he was leaving tonight (he's heading out early in the morning), he told her, "Do what Dori says, Mom."
So. Trying to remember to be grateful for the good things, instead of resentful about the not-so-good things!
Lol @ you not caring about what your brother thinks you think about Trump.
And I don’t have any clue why, must be a nature thing, but men in general do seem to be weaker than females. At least in my family that’s a rule and it is evident outside of the caregiving world, just in life in general.
But it’s also true that some people don’t have the inner strength to see and let alone take care of anyone, nothing to do with how much they love the person. My mom for example, tells me that when my grandma (who I didn’t get to meet) was ill before she passed away, my mom could not handle seeing her like that, and she loved/loves my grandmother tremendously! but couldn’t take seeing her that way. She would make sure she had everything she needed, nurses, doctors, etc, but she could not be her caregiver.
I told my mom: Don’t worry about me mom, I’m different, I can take care of you, I’m strong.
My mom and I, we both love, but our way of loving is different and our capabilities are also different. We live love differently yet I know that doesn’t make either one of us better or worse than the other.
I’m very glad I’m not weak in that sense because I’m all my mom has, I better be able to be all she needs me to be for her!
When he showed up, mom was still in bed, having her tea. He wouldn't go into her room! I told him to "Go on in, she's sitting up, there's a chair and everything"....nope. He ran back to his hotel room (the hotel is across the parking lot) because he forgot his water.
Then straight to the movie. So no one has to talk, I guess.
I think he ran back to his room hoping I'd have mom up and arranged appropriately on the sofa by the time he got back. (Which I did, because why fight it?) He can barely look at her. He doesn't even offer to do any of the dumb little things I do - arrange her blanket, help her get her legs up on the sofa, get her a cup of tea....nothing. I don't think I've even seen him touch her yet.
I know lots of people don't know how to relate to the sick, disabled, or elderly. I know they say lots of men are not oriented towards caregiving. But I think I'm realizing that he's also kind of....weak. Just weak. That's why he doesn't come. That's why he doesn't call. He can't handle it. If he has an emotional IQ at all, I don't think I could find it. It's not that he doesn't love her, in his way. But he's sure got no natural compassion, no intuition, no.....I wanna say no empathy? That's what it is when you can't read another person's obvious needs, right?
I take back what I said. I don't care what he thinks about my opinion of the American president.
I always knew my best guy friend was a better brother to me, but now I know he's also a better son to my mom.
Chris - sushi-shaped candy makes an excellent substitute!
Tomorrow is another day.
I'm gonna go finish the leftover frosting in the fridge.....
Sorry it did not go better Dorianne but at least he showed up..............and ate a brownie. Small victory!!!! :)