The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

sharyn - I remember that. I can see this one cooking up ideas of what she thinks should be happening, and what mother should be wearing, but she is off base. Mother never wore anything flowered in her life. Five new outfits, indeed. Mother is not a barbie doll to be dressed according to someone else's tastes, and she wears sweaters in the summer as she gets cold. Can't imagine retirement. I hear you. R has to keep busy and prefers to be outdoors. He has needed something for the weekends he has to be here, so we got him snowshoes to explore the trail system in the woods across from the house and beyond. That way he can be out, and take his cell with him. He tried them Thursday and pronounced them good. The snow will be around for a few weeks yet, so he can have some use of them this year. A few hours of plodding through the snow should tire him out.

Boys and soccer - what fun!!! That should keep hubs occupied for a while. 

The boys start soccer today. This should be fun/funny, balls and toddlers going every which way!

Gershun, you will get through this! Your mom was right, one foot in front of the other. Rest when you can. (((Hugs)))!!

Golden, when I was off work for 6 weeks with sciatica ( 2014), there was an aid at my mom’s facility who started calling me saying my mom was depressed and missed my visits. I could not sit or stand from the pain. She called 2 times. I was very annoyed and angry that I complained to the memory care director. These people step over family members boundaries.

I understand what you mean with R home more often. It has been an adjustment with my hubs retired. I don’t get any time by myself in the house. Lol!, I wish he would take up golfing or something, haha!

Have a Happy Easter weekend everyone.

Thank-you Golden! :)

((((((gershun)))))You sound burnt out. We can get that way from caregiving and also from just - life. You have suffered a significant loss, which is energy robbing. After we peak as very young adults, we all start to slow down. Depression is horrid. Being tired of yourself (BTDT) may not be a bad thing in the long run. I have lost my joy and humor several times in life, but it has come back. I think yours will.

I agree wth your mum - one foot in front of the other. Plod on through it, if that is all you can do at the time. I am sorry you feel so defeated. I wish and pray for you to have some joy and sunshine in your life, and a little fun.

Golden and Veronica, when I read your posts I have to remind myself that you are the ages that you are. You are marvels as far as I'm concerned. I'm just 56 and I already feel myself slowing down. I think the mental fatigue that comes with depression weighs me down and thus the physical ailments that follow.

I've lost my humor lately. I don't know if I left it under a cushion or what. :P But I am getting tired of myself. So I can imagine how people who are around me must feel.

You two must tell me how you do it. My Mom's philosophy was to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and carry on. I wish I had inherited more of her strength. I feel so defeated these days.

thx Veronica -mother spends part of her day in a wheel chair and is in it for meals. I agree that they can cover her with a blanket, and they normally do, so her legs are warm and no one sees the short pants. I think this gal has an agenda - part of which is to get me in there for a visit. She does not have a clue about what is involved, nor what my history is with mother. I will make the trip once R and I have figured out the logistics, but in my own time and I will not be spending much time with mother, as usual. I don't shop much in Eton any more, so wouldn't have a clue where to look for pants for mother like the ones I found online.

Age discrimination is no fun. R was patronised by a government official on the phone the other day - his first experience of being treated as if he were brain dead. I look and move as if I were younger, so people may expect more of me. There are times I can do it and other times not. Mother called it the curse of looking well.

If mother was not pleased with what the clothing they were putting on her she would make it known. I believe she still can do it verbally, if provoked.

I did get out and got my nails done and did a big shopping. Now to clean out the fridge. I tend to do it in sections these days - the door one day, bins another and so on. The fire is blazing, and I have some serious reading to do, and a new brand of decaf to try out. The house is peaceful and I intend to enjoy that.

Glad your daughters are decluttering while hubby is elsewhere. Makes it so much easier. (((((hugs)))))

Oh Golden the nurse has plenty to do she just likes throwing her weight around and not getting on with what she is supposed to do.
Anyway I thought Mother was bedridden and even her pants are too short they can pull her socks up and give her a blanket if she actually gets up into a chair.
Can you imagine what would happen if the CNA produced a bright orange blouse to go with her new pale purple pants.
I think you have indicated that her nastiness is always verbal but I could see a quick bite as they tried to pull it over her head.
Can't blame you for not wanting to make the trip I wouldn't either in your condition or mine. It really is too much. When you are 80 you get treated as though you are brain dead or if they want you to do something act like you are 50.
You are right it has been a long cold winter and it is not over yet. So keep warm by the fire, cuddle up with a good book and keep the kettle on.

Now I am annoyed!!!

A perky nurse from the HN called and said mother needs more clothing -maybe 5 more outfits -tops and bottoms. Last time I checked mother had lots of clothes. On further discussion, what she really needs is pants that are longer. The nurse also suggested some flowered tops or red tops I told her mother does not wear flowered tops and she does not wear red.

Nurse "Oh, but summer is coming"

Me "Mother wears her sweaters in the summer and she likes solid, but subdued colours. Does she really need more tops?"

Nurse, with disappointment in her voice, "Well, no, but her pants are too short."

I went online and found some pants and ordered a couple of sizes, and we will see what survives the hot water laundry there. Then I called the nurse back and said they were being shipped and would be there within a couple of weeks.

Nurse "They are being shipped? When will we be seeing you?"

Me "I don't know. It is not easy for me to get there these days. Please remember that I am 80 and have chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia, and it has been a hard winter". I didn't add that I don't even want to go out in the cold to the grocery store. I have HAD cold for this year!!!

R goes down every second weekend, but returns for work on Monday and that is too short a time for me to travel (at night) and have any energy to get anything done while I am there. It was easier when he was there and I stayed for a week or more. Still trying to figure that out as I do have some things to do in E'ton.

Not sure that nurse has enough to do.

veronica -hope you heal fast!

dori - re introverts and facilities etc., I have a problem getting cleaning help as I don't want people I don't know in my house. I can afford it, I have names of reputable people, but I put off calling them, and I have to get over that.When I had a few Philipino ladies staying here I was quite happy that one of them cleaned and helped out instead of paying rent. It started with a friend of my dd's nanny needing a place, and then a few more came. I had the room and it worked fine. I know once I get to know someone I will be OK, but I keep putting it off. I think it is part of being an introvert. Mother, on the other hand, had cleaning ladies for years and years. She liked having servants. ETA - Have a great cleaning session - my floors need doing too! Enjoy bro.

susan - good for you standing up for yourself like that! Once when mother was ranting and raving (not unusual), I, at age 13, told her firmly to go to her room, and she did, ranting as she went up the stairs. Someone had to be the adult. That is what happens in dysfunctional families. We do not have a safe environment to be children, as we have to deal with things children should not have to, so we become little adults, but we pay a price for that - the loss of our childhood.

sharyn - lots of unhappy memories I know.

glad - hope you get it sorted out easily. Smaller seems to work better as we get older too.

becky - mother was busy and social with her Norwegian friends particularly. She often got too involved with projects like the local golf club - sort of obsessively so.

Everyone -take care. I have been reading but not posting always. As I have said it is a challenge for me having another person in the house even for parts of the day.

Well, Happy Easter indeed!

Bro is actually driving up for sure tomorrow, barring some catastrophe. BFF is coming over today while mom's at dialysis to help me clean the apartment. (My dumb injury has been REALLY hurting this week.) It's not terrible or anything, but it's a little disorganized, and goodness knows when I last washed the floors.  I'm sure he doesn't care, but I do, lol.  And I'm really looking forward to seeing him.

Last night I turned down a really big band gig for the May long weekend. Sigh. It's out of town, and I just can't do it. Last time I went there for a gig was NYE, and I was just soooo stressed out about mom the whole time that I didn't have any fun. Plus she fell and was here on her own....I'd have to get respite to go anywhere overnight, but I don't even want to try for the May long....it's like getting a babysitter for NYE, you practically need to pay quadruple time and give half a year's advance notice!

Both my arms are currently black and blue from numerous blood draws but they will get better and I manage to do no more than a muffled Oooh and don't look till the needle is in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I was visiting niece in Colorado, she was going through lab works as part of her college course. She needed to draw 15 blood, with her instructor there attending. I really didn't want her to do mine but all my sibs were doing it, so I decided to do it too. I now have a raised scar over my very good vein. No fishing but left a scar.

I have had only one real blood draw fishing experiences. My arm was bruised for a couple of weeks after. It was at a health fair where many phlebotomy students volunteer. Last time I did blood draw at a health fair!😵

Closing on lot and water tap today. Think I will change the plan I chose. It is bigger than I really want so more than I want to spend too. Happy Easter weekend all!🐇🐰

I'm a shy introvert. I was fortunate to become friends with a couple about 10 years older than me when I was in my early 20's. They helped me to get out of my shell, to learn to express myself, to meet/greet people - instead of my usual desire to find a seat and sit there the whole time. I find any interactions with people (including fave sis) to be very draining.

If one of us said that to our parents, we would have been physically punished. The boys would be beaten (kicked, punched). Unless you were their baby girl and baby boy (youngest.) Parents tell us to do something, we do it.

Golden, I love that your middle son stood up to your (ex) DH and said that about the coffee-making - and that it solved the problem! I did something similar with my mother over grades. Naturally, there was a long period of stress and depression that followed my telling my mother that Dad had been abusing all of us kids for a long time - as long as we could remember - and my grades suffered for it. I used to be on the honor roll, getting all A's and B's - but after all the abuse came out and Mom forced us to stay together as a family with Dad and go to "family counseling", I never got higher than a C in any class and often failed subjects. I just didn't care anymore.
Mom got frustrated, and because she wanted everyone to think we had this "perfect family", she would punish me for having bad grades by grounding me. I finally got tired of being grounded all the time and told her - as you said, quietly and respectfully - "You know, Mom - I realize my grades are bad. I'm trying to improve them. But you grounding me constantly doesn't make my grades get any better."
She was dumbstruck - and stopped grounding me. I overheard her telling a friend about that later - that she was floored that I possessed that kind of adult reasoning and wisdom to handle the situation like that instead of stomping off and slamming my door like any other teenager. lol

Dori, you are right. I see many families with toxic dysfunction yet they believe their family is perfectly fine while being miserable. You all know I loved my mom, but I did not like the person she was as a result of a personality disorder.

I too feel drained by others. I have no issues speaking to others in public or face to face, but then I am zapped and cant wait to retreat. I seem to have a phone phobia, I refuse to talk on the phone if it is personal calls, but will handle business, or anything pertaining to Mom. But it is quite hard to have friendships this way. I am not a very good friend in that way. :(
I am a night owl as well, not too many people even understand that. But it is so relaxing to be up in the night while others are asleep. But it makes one more tired being a caregiver and night owl. I have been a night owl most of my life, only now has it become difficult.

I soooooo appreciate this thread and all of you folks. I just wanted to say that. Other people really don't get any of this stuff. They think "Family First" is a life motto instead of a prison sentence.

The hardest things i continue to struggle with 1) waiting for the next downfall. I have a hard time trusting peace and contentment. 2) not becoming a doormat. It is a comfortable place at first as it is familiar.

Don’t miss the chaotic life my childhood was. I find it very hard to talk about at length without becoming depressed.

I’m looking forward to Easter with the grandsons and our dd. Hubs bought them soccer balls and hats, lol!

I was just thinking as I read some of your stories....with my mom, it's not that she compelled me to serve her so much as save her.

Maybe it was all the Wonder Woman comics I read when I was a kid, too, lol. But it was obvious to me even as a little one that mom needed....I dunno, I want to say - someone to take charge, but at the same time not be controlling. Maybe it was easier for her to accept leadership from a little kid who had no real control or power, than to accept it from a parent or a spouse. (And I say that "spouse" part even as a feminist!)  But then she'd fight my childish attempts at leadership, too, so it was all confusing and terrible. 

It was like some kind of weird enmeshment that I managed to wriggle out of, but that she continued to cling to, forever. Probably long after I built my own life, she knew I'd come save her one more time.

And here I am one more time....

I guess leadership IS a type of service, or can be.

I wonder if we did a survey of people who resist/embrace care homes and even home supports, would we find the lines drawn similarly around introverted/extraverted personality types? That DOES make me think about things a little differently!

Becky - we introverts NEED you extraverts to drag us out the door of our homes once in awhile, lol!

It is interesting to think of childhood. My mom was a narc, but only with family until she got much, much older. She had a wide circle of friends who called and visited regularly. She was in a variety of clubs and played in 3 bridge clubs. My dad was quiet but he had a lot friends. He went on fishing and hunting trips. We visited the homes of our parents friends on the weekends and they came to our home. We went for three weeks every summer to the beach in NC and rented a large cottage with two other families my parents had known since their early 20's. I've thought about mom a lot lately. In retrospect she really changed after her two best friends died around 2005. The other big factor was my brother insisting she move to Ohio in 1995. She didn't have wide circle of friends and no family close by there. Her really poor behavior may have been magnified by those events.

My bad brother was totally anti-social always. Jay is quiet but has always had lots of friends. His friend Scott is coming next week to visit him. They've known each other since they were three years old.

Had to laugh at the iced tea, though it is sad. Here, as I worked and had 4 kids, they all did appropriate chores from early on, but none of it was "doing for others" except that at one point, (ex) dh was in a habit of requiring middle son, the only one left in the house at the time, to make coffee for him. One day, middle son, a teen, after being asked once more to do it, sat and thought for a while, then quietly and respectfully said. "I don't drink coffee. I don't see why should have to do it." Ex looked at him, got up and made his own coffee and never asked him to do it again. I still chuckle over that.

We are having another cold blast with snow. Southern AB is having unusually low temps. I am thoroughly disgusted with it and don't want to go out to feel that frigid chill in the air. The only good thing is that we are having some bright sunshine, but we are not feeling the heat of the sun. It looks like we won't be above freezing till the second week of April. The large pile of snow on the lawn from driveway shovelling will last much longer than usual this year I think. Yuck!!!

Another introvert here. I prize my time alone. Having R here day after day, as much as I care for him, is a challenge. And he is at work most of the day!

Interesting thoughts about being an introvert in a facility. Mother is an introvert, but she has adapted to a facilities very well. Her first ALF was one large room and meals were in the dining room. For several reasons she didn't last there more than 6 months. In the second ALF, she had a two bedroom unit much like her apartment.There was a dining room, but she chose to have meals prepared in her own unit (by aides), and eat there. She did go out to the large common room/library and do jigsaw puzzles, go to the attached very large mall, use the garden balcony, and got to know a few people. But, she could retreat to her apartment whenever she wanted to, and spent most of her time there alone. She read, watched news and spent time on her computer. During her year in geri psych hospital she had a large single room, and joined the others to watch tv sometimes. In her third ALF, again, she had a single room, ate alone at a small table, sat with a few others watching tv in the mornings or occasionally joined an activity and slept in her room in the afternoons. In the NH where she is now, she has a single room, (getting that so quickly was a concession by the system to address her needs), and her routine is much like the previous ALF , only I believe the staff try to engage her in activities more. I liken it to being in a hotel where you can stay in your room or go to a public area.

If I/we can have similar to mother, I see my needs for solitude being met, as long as there is a room I can get away to by myself sometimes.

Great comments on how our childhoods have affected us. I find I need time alone to process feelings and thoughts. As a child, life was somewhat of an anomaly - on the one hand I felt very lonely, dealing with all the dysfunctional issues, or the other hand, it was very hard to find time alone - either physically (as mother always intruded) or mentally/emotionally as the demands/guilt were there constantly. As I grew up one of my "internal cries"was "Leave me alone!" My mother and my sister would "peck" away at me and my faults, my life, as they saw it, Finally, I googled the phrase, and it led me to information about parents with personality disorders. After much reading, I came to the conclusion that mother had Borderline Personality Disorder, which was later confirmed by professionals. It was somewhat of a relief to learn what the problem was.

Guest, you hit the nail on the head there with something I had kind of forgotten about (see how that darn selective memory works?) - my parents were VERY much like that - we kids were made to do a lot of chores around the house, which we deeply resented. I'm not saying we shouldn't have had to do chores, but it seemed all of our friends had to do far less than we did. It did instill a strong work ethic in all of us, but there were things our parents were constantly asking us to do that were a bit beyond, and if you resisted, they laid a guilt trip that could knock you flat.

Case in point:
I was about 11 or so - this was after I went to my mother and told her of the abuse all of us kids were suffering at Dad's hands, so tensions in the house were high.
Dad wanted some ice cream in the evening and told me to go get some out of the basement freezer. I hated the basement and was involved doing something else, so I asked him if he couldn't go get it himself because I was busy.
He got up, stomped past me, muttering about not needing any stupid, ungrateful kids to help him, etc - which of course, made me feel incredibly guilty, and I rushed to help him. He shoved me backwards and told me he didn't need my help - which increased the guilt, of course.
Crazy crap like that. We were constantly called on to change TV channels while they sat in their chair or on the couch in front of the TV (which was no more than 6' away from them) - this was pre-remote days; we also had to make Dad his iced tea when he got home from work; etc.
My older sister got REALLY tired of making Dad his iced tea and decided she wasn't doing it anymore. Just before he got home from work, she got out the iced tea mix, his iced tea glass, spoon to stir it, and the ice cubes and laid them all neatly on the kitchen counter where he would see them when he came in. He came in, looked at it, walked right past it and sat down in the living room and told her to bring him a glass of iced tea. She pointed out she had laid the supplies out for him to do it himself, and he said, "I know - but I want you to do it."
Passive-aggressive rebellion backfired on her.

After so many years of being required to "serve" our parents, it's no wonder that I felt I was obligated to provide care for them when they needed it. It's not that I truly wanted to do it - it's that it needed to be done and I felt I really had no choice and couldn't say no - because we'd never been allowed to say no to them in our lives - ever.

I guess in thinking about this from another angle, this is another reason why I don't want my kids becoming my caregivers.  I have occasionally found myself falling into that habit my parents had - asking whatever child was handy to do something that I could easily do myself, and I've had to pull myself up short on it.  My kids had chores too - dishes, cleaning, etc - but not like my parents did to us kids, where every time you turned around, you couldn't do anything for yourself or have much free time, because you were constantly being called on to do something for Mom or Dad - the smallest, most trivial things, like changing the damn TV channel.  
My kids are adults and have their own lives.  I don't want them having to be responsible for my life, my care, my living arrangements, my meals - at any point.  

I may not fit in here. I'm a total extrovert. Staying with my mom isolated me and I hated that isolation. I felt like the real me was being held hostage. pJ and his family are all extroverts. The more people the merrier. I very rarely dislike the crowd. I had gotten to the point with my mom that I couldn't handle the dysfunction. At first around PJ and his family I was amazed at how well they got along together. I had forgotten that was the life I liked. I could never go back to the isolation. Occasionally, I like an evening reading by myself, but I don't want that all the time. We all need our own normal.

Susan, we are all weird in some way or another. Caregivers once out of the deep push feel the need to breathe. As I recall, your daughter and her kids moving in didn't give you the breath for a while; now she is out again you don't have to "be on" all the time or "fixing" all the time. Survivors of childhood trauma and abuse end up with PTSD. We are constantly on guard for the next strike, whether it's conscious or not. I have explained again and again to my husband that being around his parents is a trigger for me, especially when his father was drinking. Ask me about the time I was sitting in a chair and his drunk father basically sat in my lap to visit and share the chair. Roomful of kids with us, I didn't feel like I could cause a scene. One of the biggest fights of our marriage later - that is NOT normal behavior toward a DIL. Many of us end up caregiving because we were programmed to service a narc parent and provide all needs. I call myself a social introvert. I need contact with others to still the memories in my head (not voices, I'm not crazy, just extremely capable of painful recollection). But I still like to sit on my own and read or watch TV. We are all hurting in one way or another. I'm glad to have found a community here and a thread where we can discuss such painful topics in an environment of love and acceptance and lack of judgment. It's rare and thanks for being there to all of you - too numerous to mention. I am grateful.

I’m an introvert too. Customer service through my job provides a lot of social interaction and on my days off I need to recharge, alone time and only family. I find I am much happier. I talk via phone with friends I’ve know since grade school. One is an extrovert, a social butterfly, but lots of drama. Another friend is jealous of extrovert friend having other friends. I laugh because I’m so far removed from that stuff and happy I am.

Enjoy your introvert selves, we are not antisocial, we need down time to recharge where an extrovert recharges by being social.

Oooo, that raises another interesting point Dorianne, the introvert's aversion to communal living in facilities, especially if we recognize that the person we are caring for is introverted as well. If you need help with ADLs and are unlucky enough to have to share your room you literally never, ever have a moment alone (shudder).