The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Annie - how are you doing? I was a senior looking after a senior too. It isn't easy

boj - good ones, as always

Paul - no doubt your life is challenging, looking after your mom and yourself. I'm sorry you were denied medicaid,

yoda - that's quite a list of ailments! You have my condolences. One day at a time!

lostdaughter - what you describe certainly fits under dysfunctional families. My mother was mentally ill and we were brought up with strange biases too. My father died a long time ago. When I was caring for my mother, my sis did nothing to help but criticized what I was doing. I didn't expect her to help look after mother as historically she had never been helpful, so I didn't have any anger or recommitment about that. I was OK as long as she didn't interfere in a negative way. She did a couple of times and I cut communication down to a minimum.

It seems pretty common from what we read here, that one child gets the brunt of the caregiving, not that that is fair. However, it is your sister's choice to make for whatever reason. I could tell horror stories about my mother too, but I still made sure she had the care she needed as she aged. I did it from a distance and she went into an ALF then an NH. I couldn't have done hands on care.

If you can, accepting your sister's choice, and lowering your expectations of her will give you peace over this. And get as much help as you can to make your burden easier.

I don't know what your situation is, but please look for options so that you have more of a life for yourself. ((((hugs))))

I think this is an excellent topic. I’m not sure if this is what you meant by this but part of my dysfunctional family was a mother who when we were teens convinced my sister my father didn’t love her and loved me better. This was absolutely not true and my father was a good fair parent to all his children. My mother was not well mentally. Fast forward almost 40 years and my mother has passed and my father now has alzheimer’s and needs 24 hour care. My sister is now using the lies my mother told her as an excuse not to contribute any time caring for my father. It’s 100% on me. She still acts in all other ways like he’s her father. I’m so resentful of her. I have no life and she continues to live and function normally like she doesn’t owe him anything. How do others in a similar situation where their family members aren’t helping deal with this anger and resentment?

One more and likely last update.

Basically and realistically, my more complicated health journey is going to be a matter of the right self-care for the best symptom care or maybe even symptom delay for there are nor cures for narcolepsy, vascular parkinsonism, DDD, DISH back disease, mild neurocognitive disorder, not even a medicine like insulin for diabetes. Not complaining or looking for sympathy, just the facts for this is the way it is for me on this 13 day of November, 2025. I hope you all are doing as well as possible. Seek to continue onward with detached compassion in order to maintain one's own energy and what well being one has left. Nite!

😉

a narc's attitude:
"I got 99 problems and you are all of them."

I’m still hanging in there. My Mom is 93 years old going on 94 on Christmas Eve. She hasn’t been out of the apartment and it will be a year on Thanksgiving. My older half Sister got her to take a shower over 2 weeks ago. My Mom still shadows me with Hello Paul when I’m in my room and she’s hard of hearing. I don’t bother shouting so I get up and see her on the sofa with Fox News on the TV. The dementia is worse than it was 5 years ago. She drinks vodka and port wine every day. She eats well. She tells me she’s dying more often than not. She’s physically healthy but not mentally. She’s had incontinence for over a year and doesn’t wear diapers. She did but that was about 5 years ago. Looks as though I am not getting my social security disability benefits because I would have the same ALJ that denied me June of last year on the phone with my Lawyer and a Doctor. I was told to reapply for them by my Lawyer and I don’t really want to. I got turned down for Medicaid because I live with my Mom apparently. I can’t get Medicare. I don’t recommend Caregiving. It might just take your life. Hopefully by the grace of God it won’t take mine. I thank God for being alive and for what I have. I do count my blessings. I know things could be worse and that’s what I try and convey to my Mom. She’s got a very good dog named Dobie. We’ve had him since March 2021. So I’m alright.

🥰 today’s words of wisdom from me:

🙂
“If speaking kindly to plants helps them grow. Imagine what speaking kindly to yourself can do.”

🥰 today’s words of wisdom:
(just kidding)

🙂
"Kill your enemies with kindness. Name your car kindness."

Caregiving by itself depends on different dynamics, The support circle around you, is that diminishing or changing. When political decisions affect programs that help support the elderly are being affected it really is the outer circle that helps to secure care or to make things more insecure. That is the dysfunction that I am facing now as an elder taking care of another elder. I wonder how we will be alright in the coming months and years. Programs that make all the difference now being shattered is like a false bottom floor, with zero supports. We need to be there for each other and yet who is there for us? if not us. I try to be there for myself by identifying what will create the best dynamic for the day. How to affect change in my own life and create the best quality of life for both me and the person I care for. We are truly not alone and need one another. Hope is a form of coping. I wish you all hope and better days ahead.

bingocat - Agreed. Set boundaries. Develop your own life. Don't be a slave to someone else. Your life is important too.

BOJ - good one

casole - perhaps more importantly, did you learn something from it?. Instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop, do something interesting/beneficial to you. Plan anther cruise maybe? You can have the orange outfit!!! 💃 lol ((((((hugs))))

My therapist suggested to me that I watch this old Alfred Hitchcock episode called "Coming Mama" (yes it's as disturbing as it sounds) 11 minutes, can be found on YouTube.

Worth the watch tho it may be upsetting (fair warning)

🥰 today’s words of wisdom:

“When life gets tough and you’re faced with defeat,

remember somewhere in the world a flower is popping through some concrete.”

Bob, I am married, and my MIL is willing to upend my life and marriage to save herself from pancreatic cancer, which has spread to her liver. I have four children, and she thinks my husband should drive her 3-5 hours away for a clinical trial since her treatments are no longer working. She is 80. The reality is there is no saving her. I was told to transport her, which has been an issue, and SHE is a full-time job. I have been close to asking for a divorce because our lives revolve around her. You sound young. Live your life. Pursue your dreams. Go on a date! Go hang out with friends. This is not honoring your parents when you are suffering yourself. They can make choices that don’t ruin you. They choose not to.

🥰 many of us on this forum are empathetic people.

here’s a quote for us:

😉
Empaths be like:
"I got 99 problems
but 89 of them belong to other people."

🥰 words of wisdom...

"Just because today (or last week, or last month...) is terrible doesn’t mean tomorrow won’t be the best day of your life. You just have to get there."

here’s a funny quote to say to someone dysfunctional/toxic:

🥰
“If I promise to miss you,
will you go away?”

Hothouse and Golden,

Thanks. I think they both knew I was on my last nerve bc Dad called me later to see if I wanted to come over there later than I usually do today (Yes) and said "thank you for everything" when I dropped off his prescription last night. And mom called to tell me she forgot to tell me how nice my haircut looked.

Because mentally I had gotten to the point if you're going to treat me like a hired CNA that's what I'm going to act like and not be emotionally involved with you people!!

Thanks for the support.

casole, I get it. I've been there. My parents did not know how good they had it and expressed no appreciation. Dealing with two people's needs is very stressful. It was an awful time.

(((((casole))) Oh, my. I would be tempted to haul myself out of that too. They definitely have no idea!

Today I was told to watch my facial expressions i.e. not make a face when he (dad) does something outrageous like yell at the the laundry or the answering machine. So I guess I won't speak, blink, smile or frown. Maybe I'll get some botox and kill two birds with one stone. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Soooo close to just telling them to hire someone and walking away. They have no effing idea how good they have it. Both of them. Tired.

Bob,

Order or pick up a pack of womens depends. Open the pack. Leave 3 or 4 on table next to her bed and leave 3 sitting out in the bathroom.

No need to say anything. Just have them available and she can choose to use them if she wants when you are out.

Go visit friends, see a movie, go to church etc. You are entitled to a life.

🥰 also today’s words of wisdom:

"One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself."

🥰 hi everyone!

today’s words of wisdom:
"Make sure your worst enemy
is not living between your own two ears."

Thanks! This panoramic report did carry an emotional kickback with it.

Both I and my ride or die with our new chronic health challenges know that we have less life expectancy than we once had. Honestly, that's ok for we have talked about how as thinking people, we just don't feel like we fit in with being here much longer. We've each mentioned oh, wouldn't it be nice if one could know and just ride of into the sunset and just go on. We are both exhausted warriors who some others still see us as heroes but we aren't anymore.

Good to hear from you Yoda.
Congrats on seeking the answers and feeling better.

This "brave new world" party that a portion of society has created will come to end. However, when the party is over and it's time to go home, where, where will they go?

As Walter Conkite closed the news each night, "and that's the way it is"

goodnight!

Warning this is long, but it has been a long journey to reach this point.

My psychiatrist has put on hold my various mental health diagnoses for she's concluded that narcolepsy is very likely my foundational health problem.

She's the one who pointed in me in the direction of being tested for Narcolepsy back in the fall of 2023 which my sleep doctor begrudgingly had done in March of 2023. Yes, I have narcolepsy. I also have sleep apnea.

I was able to secure a narcolepsy specialist at Duke, Dr. Spector early this past June (2025). His help and being part of the Narcolepsy Life Academy weekly coaching experience since last November has led me to a much better place.

My psychiatrist now says this is the best condition she has seen me in over the past two years. She hasn't changed any of my meds but I am sure we will have that conversation soon with how improved my life is now..

At 68, I have 9 chronic health challenges in addition to narcolepsy. Not having Narcolepsy diagnosed likely explains why my sleep apnea treatment was never fully helpful. I may be wrong, but here's my historical trail of collateral damage.

1. Obesity

2. High cholesterol.

3. Being diagnosed with depression, then bipolar (however, I don't have a medical record of a manic experience leading to this diagnosis), plus inattentive ADD, and generalized anxiety, all contributing to my going on full disability in my 40s. (Note: narcolepsy shares these mental health symptoms in common.) -2003.

4. Sleep Apnea caused by weight gain.

5. Hypogonadism caused by weight gain.

6. Osteoporosis from the Hypogonadism.

7. Pre-diabetes and diabetes from unresolved weight gain connected with my continued poor sleep.

8. Vascular Parkinsonism from dealing with both high cholesterol and diabetes

9. Two more overlapping comorbidities i.e. Degenerative Disk Disease and DISH back disease are connected as well by the cluster of secondary issues connected with undiagnosed narcolepsy as listed above. They indirectly can lead to the development of these two extra chronic health challenges which I have as well. To be clear, it is not a direct cause-and-effect relationship.

Since being diagnosed with Narcolepsy in March of 2023 two months before turning 67, I have been diagnosed with DDD, DISH back disease plus most recently, Vascular Parkinsonism. Evidently, gaining chronic health challenges after age 67 carry a greater impact on one's life expectancy.

I have updated all of my doctors on this and politely reminded them that they work for me and my health. My lead doctor, the narcolepsy specialist requested the contact information for anyone in particular that I think he should reach out to. I have suggested my PC and my psychiatrist.

Well, this world is not my home and most definitely not my forever home. Having a lower life expectancy from a drama of medical errors is disappointing, but not terribly for I don't feel like I really fit in here much anymore and my ride or die friend says they feel the same way as well. In that regard, I do not consider us unique.

Not presently counting mental illness given my psychiatrist's view she's holding in tension to see how I do, my comorbidities with narcolepsy are obesity, high cholesterol, sleep apnea, hypogonadism, diabetes, DDD, DISH back disease and vascular parkinsonism.

We, like many others, have relatives who have yet to accept that each of our health conditions carry with them long term incurable side effects that are beyond our control when they kick in which we repeatedly have to explain which is exhausting.

My wife is getting treated for her spine problems but is non-compliant in various ways. My Parkinson's/Parkinsonism's PT response to this has been, "you must take care of you."

🥰 today’s words of wisdom:

THIS:
Imagine someone who loves you so much, they make you love yourself.

I treated continence like many other issues:

. Advise
. Decision is made
. Consequesces

Situatuon: Accidents became more frequent for my LO when out.
Solutions were discussed but my LO refused the idea to wear more absorbant undergarments.

I Advised: Please wear pullups when out with me, so we have a more pleasant time & less awkward cleanups.

Decision was made: LO refused.

Consequence: I refused transport in my car.

Same could be applied at home.
Advise about the pullup or absorbant wrap around style of pants. Have a supply easily accessable in bedroom or bathroom, wherever gets dressed.
Leave the decision to the wearer.

Bob, if you return from a day out & Mother is wet & uncomfortable, well that was her decision.

She is free to change her mind & decide differently for the next time.

@casole

I had already noted she refuses to go the adult diaper route. She adamant about that. She doesn't want a UTI and risk getting sepsis.

If anything happens and she finds herself without me, it won't be because I didn't put extra support in place. It'll be because SHE wouldn't put extra support in place. The ball's in her court.

Along with being self-absorbed, she lacks self-awareness. She fails to realize that without taking the extra steps in various places, it's gonna be a massive challenge on my end after she passes. You can also make a case for her becoming institutionalized since she's been stuck in the house for so long.

Bob, Glad to hear you are going out for a day. Good first step. Enjoy your day.

Please fight for more.