The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Lol, nope, still not me, CM!

Honestly, in my case, it was empathy that drove me to being mom's caregiver. Knowing she is an extremely private person, and not at ALL social, and considers herself a loner, plus with her depression issues....she really does make me look like a social butterfly!

So my empathy (as an introvert who values privacy and solitude) made me think about what it would be like for her, having to share living space, perhaps even sleeping quarters, with strangers 24/7 in a care home. Even if she was lucky/wealthy enough to get a private room, I think it would have been truly awful for her.

Possibly not predisposed to being caregivers, no. But predisposed to thinking: "if you want a job done properly..." now, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Of course, one must speak for oneself.

cwillie - I don't know about being predisposed to being caregivers (I am definitely not!), but I do think introverts are the type to seek out support online.

There's something I find easier about communicating in writing - I've been online 23 years, and I feel like I was born for the computer/texting age!  (I also prefer to text with my friends than talk on the phone.)  I have time to think about what to say, and I don't have to respond right away - there's time to process what's said and how to reply...time to choose my words. I don't feel the same in verbal conversations. Sometimes I leave a lot unsaid, just because the conversation moves forward too fast and I don't get enough time to think. Also, maybe there's something about being able to have a group conversation without being overwhelmed by the presence of actual people! Lol.

I've noticed before that many of the regular posters on the forum describe themselves as introverts, it makes me wonder if part of our personality predisposes us to become caregivers or if it is just that we are more comfortable sharing with cyber friends than seeking out flesh and blood support. Hm.

Being an introvert is one of the hardest things to manage alongside being mom's caregiver. When I started staying with mom - well, some of you might remember that I was feeling pretty driven to the brink over the lack of space and privacy!!! I tried setting up the little den as a private office, but mom never respected it very well, and having no windows, the air and light in there was kind of awful. Then I tried going home on the weekends, but I quickly discovered mom couldn't be left alone overnight. So. Now I use my car. It's been nearly 10 months since I've been here, quietly clenching and unclenching my hands.

My mom always thinks I'm an extravert because I can chat with people when I'm out in the world.  It's funny how people tend to think introversion is the same as being shy.  I mean, you can be both introverted and shy, but they're not the same thing.

I really just find that other people drain my energy. It's not their fault, and it includes even the people I love. Extraverts get energy from others, but me - I need to recharge after being around others. That means having alone time. I often think I became such a night owl because it was the only way I could get any private time growing up.

I never married because I can't get anyone to agree to having separate dwellings! Lol!  Or at least separate wings.  BFF says, "There's a very short list of people I can live with, and I'm married to him."  I used to think I would also eventually meet someone who would be the exception to the energy drain, but I'm nearly 50 and it hasn't happened....

I want to pm someone, as a pm they sent me was really helpful in pulling me out of a funk and just did so today but I can get the right spelling.

Just want to say that some words go a long way in healing and helping. Just the process of venting in this forum helpst me put things in perspective. thanks to all. I still have a lot of catching up to do but I will be off again for a while. The past few weeks I was just tired of my issues,, in fact I wasnt even dwelling on these things which was a blessing . I have often wished I was oblivious to things like my twisted. So things that would bother me just rolled off. I think I was just seeing things in a real prespective. I want to get that back what ever it was and keep it forever and ever. It was a good feeling because I saw the same things it just didnt bother me.

Glad, I guess that is something that was instilled. My father knew he was going to die somehow and he just kept giving me orders like just put me in a pine box, I dont want no crying. We all just went through his death in a separate way no one talked about it, no onesaid its just us we have to stick together. I wanted to say these things, I wanted to tell my mother that if something happened to her I dont know what I would do. But it woulde have been me "taking over" "knowing everything". I was the only one going to the hospital everyday and I knew it would cause resentment in someway so I never asked either one why they hardly came. even with my father alive it was always about my mother and if not her my sister. I didnt get any. so I learned to be as you say "stoic". I learned not to cry to hold in my tears when my mother would slap me for no reason or because she was overwhelmed by something outside of me or when my heart would drop because I had to stop doing something becuse my sister wanted to. This was my norm. I grew up learning to hide my pain. The people I loved most had hurt my heart. Why would I let anyone in. I am still a deadpan face. It came in handy when worked EMS. People look at you to grade their situation. So that straight face help me a lot also in nursing. I would get shocked to hear people express surprise if I say I cried. I was just used to crying inside. Why do I still have to cry. Sometimes I feel like I am cursed to be sabbatoged and misunderstood and castrated. as I write this I remeber a pm a posteer sent me and I am uplifted again. Her words just wiped this whole post off the mapp but I am going to share it anyway.

Susan and 50schild, ya'll are normal. And like Dorianne, I see myself in your words.
Intoverts, we are a special kind. :)

Gershun I totally agree with you. My mother and twisted BD'Ys are 5/21 and 5/22 respectively. My twisted has never bought my mother a cake and last birthday I made dinner and invited family friends and my mother asked for her someone called and she wouldnt even come down. The year before that my son was leaving to go to Kansas for a stint and we did a party and gathering of his college friends who are so lovely group of men and women. It was packed, as my twisted is lighting the candles she says its not my birtday. I have no understanding. I think children like that are so spoiled that they dont know how to think about someone else. I could also see time that my mother know the type of monster she raised. When my nephew gave her a tv my mother says "she (twisted) was going to make him take it back and get a smaller one because it was bigger than hers." But guess what, my mother was the same way.

For a few days I was not dwelling on this type of stuff. Its just things are done sometimes out of spite and it sends me into this whirlwind thats hard to get out of. I forget how nasty and spitefull my mother was toward me most of my life and then bam! she says something or my face just triggers a hateful babbling. Like she cant even control it and the tones and words are so hateful it is shocking to hear again and then I feel sorry for my dumb butt that I accepted that type of treatnent most of my life.
I think its normal for me to have resentment. I think its normal for me to not be around people. I just dont think its normal how I stayed with this and still do and how I let it hurt me , my spirit, my body, my pressure is up. I get sad. I get forgetful. I get tearful when i see a brother and sister living to gether keeping their home doing teamwork. I often wonder will I ever be happy. Yes I have my momments but I am a loner but besides that I am find by myself. and when spiteful stuff happens it just reminds me that I am a lone and lonely. I sing praise and pray and it pulls me out of the funk but sometimes I forget to go there and boy its a sad place to be. Today I cried, not out of self pity but because I was sad. I miss love. I think if we dont get enough love in the mist of a lot of ugly that it can break us down. I sure hope I find a way or learn a way in therapy not to let stuff get me down.

Introvert here too. Always have been. I think it really started when I was very young, four, maybe even three? Was on stage at some sort of Job's Daughters thing. I barely remember it. Was handing out some sort of scroll, maybe? And I had an accident on stage in front of everyone. I remember crying but that is about all. Hey all you Job's Daughters what was this ceremony?

Then losing my dad so young, 12, and being left with a wacky mom. I learned young it was not safe to show emotion. I remember at dad's funeral my grandma, mom's mom, telling us not to cry, we had to be strong for mom. 😟

I kinda like to think of it as stoicism a Scandinavian trait, I have been told. And always have my cinder block wagon with me where ever I go. Nothing will hurt me any more. So, I tend to isolate, enjoy my time alone. Still do some things like go out for coffee and chat with a couple ladies, go to dinner early, by myself, etc... Enjoy my job and people I work with, and citizens that come into my office, though they can be absolutely impossible sometimes and very angry.

Maybe I just get worn out through the day, dealing with people all day, and often people very angry with me that do not understand that I did not make the rules.

Normal is different for everyone.

Greetings to all. I have been off line for a while.
Susan, ditto, I am a loner I prefer it that way. I made myself become more outgoing so I wouldnt be called stuck up or crazy. My sister was also an introvert so I felt like one of us needs to act normal. Now, I became comfortable in my outgoing, it was fun and people liked me but I didnt really trust people and still don't. I was always anxious in an group unless it was my friends in high school where I met my first bestie girlfriend when we said we would be friends forever. I am still that way, although I find more and more I don't like to be around people. The older I get the less I want to be around folks.
What is normal?

My drama continues. I continues to despair watching my mother age. Now people come in probably my cousin use my supplies I buy and throw away my stuff. Today the cable box was taken out of the kitchen. I guess so I cant watch cable while I am cooking and cleaning. It threw me for a minute. I had to drag my self out of a self pity mode and realize its nothing new. I will just get converter box. It also gives me opportunity to get cable for myself get box in kitchen and my room but I am trying to pay off bills not make more.

I wrote my list of things I want to talk with my therapist about. things I need help with. The taking out the cable box type thing was one. how to deal with my things being thrown out (garbage cans) is the other.
When I came in this morning one of the shopping carts was parked in front of the refrigerator. When I pulled it back, there was a foam plate of molded old rotten food. Probably something I fixed for my mother and she wrapped and stored but it was obliviously placed there. I started to leave it but It stank and I threw it out. this is the kind of stuff I always find now someone comes across it and places it just so I can see it. Its so frustrating dealing with ignorance. I have been finding these things for over a year now. I don't know. some times I wish I knew what was going on in the minds of my twisted her son and what she tells my cousin. The other day I came down an noticed someone had washed the dishes I figured it was him bought in by my sister although he had not been around in a while, I really dont know when he comes I just see stuff done that nobody else bothers with but me. I want to give him something but he never answers when I text or call. I saw him last week said same and he said he wasn't answering his phone for about a month and that he bought my dish back. Now why on earth do I feel guilty for texting him to return my dish. He was using the mop and not rinsing it properly. I guess it was him but I don't know who or what be going on I just come and see stuff used or moved or thrown out or if I cant find it cant say what happened because it so many options.

It was uplifting to see that you are all putting down that wisdom and support as usual, its uplifting and energizing to see goodness at work. This forum gives me hope especially when I am reading real talk and gut truth responses much like me or how I feel sometimes even if I don't think it applies it still helps.

Much love and rays of peace and happiness to you all.

Barbs thats a good one. I think I will use. A bunch of teens were coming from mcds after an after school event or game. They were having fun. We had had maybe our last snow storm but the weather was springlike it was late evening. I was enjoying the smiles and energy as these boys ran after one another throwing snow balls. then one barely missed me went into my cart. I will use old lady comming through next time.

Just for the record, in the psych business, we distinguish between " signal anxiety" ( there's a reason to be anxious" and generalized anxiety " I'm out in the world, everything is terrible, I'm gonna die".

As I get older, I get more anxious around groups of rowdy teens on my way to the subway. I often yell, comically, " old lady coming through " and the group steps aside.

I think it's important to monitor your reactions to see if they are proportiate to the situation.

Susan, You are definitely not abnormal. Being an introvert myself I used to feel that there was some kind of stigma attached to that. You know, the shy, quiet kid who never put up their hand in school.

I was not abused growing up. At least not by my Mom and my Dad died when I was four. But I was bullied by my siblings and then by classmates. That started in grade four and continued right through high school. I was terrorized by a mentally ill brother who was finally removed from the home cause he was beating up my Mom. I haven't seen him in years.

I feel safe when I am home. Sometimes I feel lonely but generally am quite happy by myself. I am 56 years old and still get anxiety when I encounter a group of teenagers but other than that am doing okay.

And I'd also like to add that I don't think there is such a thing as normal. I mean really, what is normal? If your behavior and way of living make you happy, allows you to function in a healthy way and is not hurting anyone else then it's your normal. If you have doubts about that and need to talk to someone then do that but otherwise keep being beautiful, unique you.

Susan and everyone who responded: Thank you. You describe me and though I have read tons about introverts, I have always felt and been cast as "peculiar." I have felt I have let everyone down, but even worse, I have let the spiritual down by being as I am. You are in touch, and others here recognize it. That is today's beauty and gift.
And I am so sorry for all that has happened that none of us can ever know, but can feel in your post. Thanks you so much for your post.

Thanks so much, everyone - you've made me feel much better. It just seems so odd to feel so empty and void of emotion sometimes, but honestly, I think it's just my coping mechanism - as if to feel the emotion would be damaging, so my mind just turns the emotions off.

Veronica - yes, I was the one who stopped the "rot" in the family, by stepping up at age 10 and telling my mother what was going on. She didn't have a clue, though looking back now, it's hard to believe that. I think she was simply so young and naive when she married Dad that she couldn't conceive of someone doing such a thing to their children - and certainly not to her own.

Susan, you are so normal that I recognize myself in you.

You're not anti-social if you can still interact with people outside of your home. You're probably just an introvert like me.

And if you're like me, it's probably not just trust issues that make you feel happiest when you're alone. It's probably also because, after all the years of being forced to keep up a facade around other people, when you are alone (and especially when you are alone in your own home), you feel totally safe/free to relax and be yourself. At least that's how I feel about it. Yeah, I don't really trust too many people, but also....no matter how much I feel like I am being myself around others, there is still some weight, some pressure, that lifts itself off my shoulders when I'm alone. If you are already introvert-oriented, then any feelings of safety and freedom you get from being alone are bound to be even stronger after the life you've had with your family.

If you haven't done much reading about introversion, you may want to. We're not a majority of the population, but as a percentage of the population, introverts are much more common than left-handed people! Lots of extraverts don't really understand it, but don't let anyone make you feel bad about it.

Susan, you are wonderfully normal. I agree, live your life your way now. You are a survivor!

Susan you have built a shell around yourself for protection. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. No one needs other people for their own happiness. If you can't be content alone you can't be content in any circumstances. You have raised your own kids and hopefully stopped the rot.
You did not cause your parents to abuse you and the family facade you presented happens more often than you can imagine.
These days many of these stories are being told because victims are being to loose the shame others have heaped on them that provoked the abuse. No one deserves that.
I dread to think what your father put your mother through in private that you never guessed. So she passed on the abuse to the kids because somehow she felt things would have been better if the kids were never born. In Mom's mind you were all the cause of things she had to endure. Everything was her fault.
Why did she never leave? Only Mom could answer that. Was she afraid of what dad would do to her if she did. A friend of mine said that her partner told her that if she ever left he would find her and kill her. he did try and get ito her house one night but she had a good old fashioned bolt.
You will never forget what happened to you but you can forgive them and not let them continue to burden you.
As far as liking being alone, I like that too, as they say stop and smell the roses. You are not a hermit you can interact enjoyably with other people.
Try writing a letter to each of your parents and ask all the questions you have asked us. Put it away but read and add occasionally. the story will gradually unfold so you can deal with the past and put it to bed.

Susan, There is absolutely nothing wrong with your feelings or with liking to be alone. Do exactly as you please!

ditto - you are normal, Susan. I would rather be by myself most of the time too. I don't think it is a bad thing. You had a horrendous childhood and you are a survivor. Well done!!! Now live your life the way you want to. ((((((hugs))))).

Susan,

Your normal. Relax and just be yourself.

Susan, you sound like a pretty normal introvert to me.

People express their grief in different ways. I don't think I actually cried after either of my parents died. I cried out of frustration and sadness while they were ill, and in anticipation. Your sister cueing you "what to do" sound like a continuation of your family "show" frankly.

I've had a question on my mind for some time now, and have been reluctant to ask it, for fear someone will say "you need therapy" or something similar. (This is going to be long. Fair warning.)

I've had therapy. Loads of it. I don't have the insurance, money or tolerance for more at this point.

I guess I just need to know I'm not alone in the way I feel.
Many of you here know the story of my childhood and the abuse/trauma/damage that was done by my parents and other relatives. I know that situation has scarred me for life - but somehow, I feel that my emotions are just not normal, and probably never will be. I guess what I'm looking for is to find out if there are others that have these same issues after a childhood of abuse.

1) Numbing out - I feel void of emotion or "locked in place" in terms of how a normal person would feel in a situation of extreme sadness. When my father died, I just sat there and watched him, and couldn't even summon a tear until much later, after we left the hospital. When everyone was hugging him to say goodbye, my sister nudged me and told me to go hug him. All I could do is sit there and slowly shake my head.
Then I broke down and cried for a few minutes *after* I left the hospital. I was never really depressed about him being gone - I was more depressed about the unanswered questions, the financial mess I was left handling, etc - than him actually being gone. When I look at photos of him now, I feel no abiding affection, sadness or longing to see him again. None. I see a photo, recognize that it's of my father, and that's that. If I wanted to talk to him again, it would be to ask questions about the maintenance on the house or the way things were done, because it was all dumped in my lap and I'm struggling to deal with it, still.
It's almost as though he never existed, or has been gone longer than the 5 years that he has been. Keeping in mind that he was the main source of abuse and damage to my emotional well-being, I guess feeling that way could be considered normal - or at the very least, a coping mechanism.

With Mom, it's a little different, because I was her full-time caregiver for a few years before she died. I do feel a little sadness that she's gone, and videos or photos will trigger a wistful feeling, but no tears. I did cry bitterly when she died, because I was closer to her than Dad and was her caregiver for so long. And it took me longer to overcome that grief - she died in July and by Christmas, I still wasn't quite myself. Today, when I saw a video I had taken of her coloring Easter eggs at the nursing home just a few months before she died, which I had posted on Facebook, I watched it and felt a little sad....and couldn't bring myself to share the video again, because I couldn't bear to deal with the comments of others on it.

I guess part of the problem is that we were forced for decades to maintain this facade - that we were the perfect American family where the kids were well behaved, worked hard, got good grades, Dad worked in a factory and Mom stayed at home and sold Tupperware, and we even had a dog and cat to complete the picture. And all the while, all 4 of us kids were being horribly abused. So now, when my parents are no longer here to tell me it's wrong to feel this way, I'm angry and bitter over the fact that I'll never get the answers to the questions that all of us kids have - why did Dad abuse us? Why did Mom stay with him - was she afraid she couldn't make it on her own, or just ashamed of what he had done and not wanting anyone else in the community to know? She told me once she stayed with him so he could never abuse any other children - I'm not sure I buy that. It puts her in a terrific light - kind of saint-like in a way - but to be honest, I think it was fear. Fear that the community would know what he had done. Fear that having never worked outside the home, she couldn't support 4 kids on her own. Fear that she would live the rest of her life alone. Making us stay together as a family with the man that abused us and caused us so much emotional trauma was a form of abuse in and of itself, and just as damaging.

2) Anti-social tendencies
Now that my parents are both gone, my kids are grown and on their own, and I'm living alone with the dog and cat, I find that I rather like it this way - alone. I enjoy family gatherings and such, but much prefer to be alone. What the heck is that? Is it just that I have spent so many years (almost 30) taking care of others - kids, spouse, spouse's parents and wayward family members, my adult kids coming home to roost temporarily, my grandmother and then my parents - that I just don't want to be around people much now? I am a friendly person. I make small talk with strangers easily and make friends easily - but I really don't trust anyone to get too close to me.
I'd rather just be by myself most of the time. Is that a bad thing?

Sorry for the long post, but I guess I just needed to ask those questions and get it off my chest - it's been bugging me for a while. I guess I just need to know if there are other kids of dysfun. families that have these issues too. I know we all deal with these things differently, but somehow I feel I can't possibly be alone in feeling this way.

Thank you all of you for your words. Very helpful to me, and truly thank you for caring. A big hug to all of you.
And Dorianne,-and lots and lots of them, :)
Thank you, joy to you.

I think that even in "normal" families sometimes it is one person that is the glue, who organizes holidays and birthdays and picnics and hosts all the events, and when that one person isn't able to anymore everything just... stops. And families are like friendships, there needs to be some regular contact or all too soon our lives have veered off in directions that leave us with nothing to connect us but increasingly distant old memories.

smeshque - I've been through this a bit with my brother - trying to encourage him to call/come see mom and not seeing much in the way of results. I think our situations are a bit different though, in that my brother hasn't treated our mom badly....just neglectfully. And there's a lot of history in our family where the neglect goes both ways.

That said....gosh, there's something I find SO annoying about having to hand-hold men through every step of being responsible adults! Yes, I know, #notallmen. (And #notjustmen, too.) But lots of men. Lots and lots and lots of them. I think their time of self-centeredness is coming to a close, though. I hope. 

I know you don't want your mom to be hurt, but honestly....you're not responsible for their relationship. You've done more than your duty already, and your mom knows who her son is. She may be more likely to excuse him, being part of a generation that just accepts that men will do less (this is what my mother's like, anyway). But she knows. And (like my mom) she probably doesn't expect you to be responsible for their relationship either.

Take it easy on yourself, you're doing a good job.

Whenever I start stewing about the inconsiderate nature of mom's other kids and grandkids I remind myself they are not selfish - I am
- They are self centered

I would like them to make an effort to visit mom, or offer to help me somehow take care of something for her - but nope, they're not interested

They all have plans to have Easter dinner within about 15 miles of hoca - I said I'd probably couldn't go since I don't have any caregivers willing to work and mom can't feed herself much - not a one said oh, why I don't I swing by ahead of time and visit her - never mind none of them bothered with Thanksgiving or Christmas - despite her being hospitalized with sepsis

So, I will make deviled eggs and get a honey baked ham and enjoy a See's chocolate bunny with mom

Smeshque, I am one of those caregivers you speak about. I recall a few Birthdays with Mom where it was just her and I even though there were six other siblings. After my Mom died I remember a conversation I had with one of these siblings where I brought this up. She said "well, you could have reached out to us" My response: Well, you all knew when her Birthday was........ I've given up trying to make sense of why they didn't help. At the end of the day, no matter how I have tried to justify their actions so I don't feel so mad about it, it still comes back to the fact that they are selfish human beings. I won't make excuses for them. To put it bluntly, THEY SUCK!

I'm not suggesting that you should give up on your relationship with your Brother Smeshque but don't, don't, feel guilty about resenting them. You have every right to feel that way. Yes, maybe resentment is not a Godly emotion but you are human and your mind and body respond the way they respond. Resentment is only natural in this case. If you then add guilt on top of that for feeling this way, you will only make yourself sick.

Thank you Gershun.
I try to accommodate so that she would get to see him. But, he acts like she doesn't exist. It makes me so mad at them. The others havent spoken to her since we moved her and my Dad here.
I sometimes just feel like I am trying to make up to her what her for her other children. i have gotten better about it. But, I still have trouble not trying to overdo special days because they don't care. I have read a lot of posts of how other caregivers have siblings that do not come around or even speak to them. I
am guessing this is something normal in this situation.
In spite of how her children are, she still loves them. But he tells her he will visit and he never does. i hate to see her hurt by them.
But, I will not make another attempt.
Thank you for listening.