The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Loving my new copper pot and also the wok. The pot is 15 " across and great for many things with such a big surface. Years ago in Montreal I used to go the Hadassah bazaar and get beautiful crystal serving bowls for a price. I had them until recently.

I like thrift stores. Used to buy things regularly. My son is the curb furniture specialist. When he went to WVU he picked up furniture on the curb all the time. Brought it to his apartment. Cleaned upholstery, made repairs and sold on dorm move-in weekends. He made a lot of cash that WVU was glad to have him pay.

Yeah, you're right....it's probably just the old grease creeping me out! But I'm with you: I'm definitely cheap - half my wardrobe is from thrift stores, lol. And lots of my furniture. Heck, I even have a couple of pieces of furniture I picked out of people's garbage and restored, lol.

Just clean them good! I have gotten lots of nice things for our shared vacay home. Plus I got a great foreman grill after I gave mine to DD! And extra muffin pans, etc. I;m sort of cheap,, if I am not going to be sure I love it,, I'd rather test it out cheap!

Pam - I did try one thrift store, but I was kinda....this is maybe weird....I was a little creeped out by the stacks of used kitchen pans and utensils! And before my injury, I actually used to make a hobby out of thrifting for clothes, furniture, decor stuff, fabric...so it's not the idea of it being second-hand. I guess I should give it another shot, maybe it was just that one place.

Dori I get your loaded kitchen thing.. both hubs and I love to cook. If you don't want to spend a fortune kitting out moms great kitchen, go to Goodwill or a resale store,, or Ollies if you have one, and buy some gently used stuff. And enjoy all her space!!!

Sharyn - you're garden sounds like it's going to be so soft and pretty!

golden - oh, I feel your pain. I sometimes get leg spasms and cramps at night because of my twisted pelvis and dumb knee. It's the WORST, having to hop out of bed and work the dang thing out, especially when you're tired....

Well, I just got back from swimming. Found a good workout for my legs and hips that I hope will help. BFF came with me - we went back to my apartment to meet best guy friend there (he had one of my guitars to bring back). We hung out for a half hour and it was SO NICE to be HOME. Sigh. Packed up all the non-perishables I stocked up last time I stayed there, and brought them here. I'd be mad about the waste, if stuff went rancid or stale....I have no idea how long I will be here at mom's, really.

I have the tiniest kitchen in the world, but I miss it. Or....I miss all my kitchen implements! Mom has this wonderful kitchen - brand new building, so new appliances, big, well-laid out kitchen....clearly designed by someone who enjoys cooking and company. Mom NEVER cooks, and never really has - she detested cooking for other people.  She has, like, one tiny teflon fry pan, one saucepan, no good knives, no electric mixer, etc. All those little things you get used to having when you cook. I already purchased some proper baking pans and mixing bowls, but I didn't want to spend a fortune on new stuff just for here. And I've been hesitant to bring over my cooking things, because it smacks a little too much of permanence. So I've been making due....for months and months now! (Edit:  I just counted - NINE months, holy sh**!)  Funny how weird time moves when you feel like you're in limbo....

I do miss being able to cook properly. That's actually something I enjoyed MOST about those few weekends I spent at home. I think I will just have to suck it up and start bringing stuff over....

Glad,l

Thanks, and things are going well w/in parameters one could say, but I'm thankful nevertheless! How are you doing? I'm trying to read here, and not going to say catch up, as that would be about next to impossible, but hope you are well, and that the twisteds don't bother you as much!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Guest, I love the affirmations, quite a few I never considered.

Dori, good for you, stand your ground!

Golden, hope you feel better soon. I get night cramps too. Lately almost every night.

The bare root rose arrived today and it is a stormy rainy day. I’m soaking the rose over night and hopefully I can plant it in the morning.

The boys are great! E has improved so much and has become quite the chatter box. Play dates have really helped with his social abilities as well. L is potty trained and can start pre school next August. Dd will have a few hours to herself with both boys in pre school.

Thinking about all of you, have a peaceful day!

Dori -stick to your guns,-and, yes, others don't get it.

sharyn - the lilacs sound lovely.

Off to get my thyroid levels tested. I have been "out of it" - fatigue, leg cramps and more. It is hard to distinguish from CFS/FM to a degree, but the thyroid problem often crops up at the end of winter and the bedtime leg cramps, particularly, are typical. Here's hoping...

Been reading but not up to responding much. Take care all.

Purple lilacs, lavender lavender, soft pink semi double rose! I’m a purple, lavender color girl😀

Becky - aww thanks! Shucks. :-) How is your head doing?

Guest - I love that list! The last one reminds me of something BFF often says to her sons: "A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine."

Sharyn - Ooh! White or purple?

Well, speaking of boundaries and standing up for oneself, I had to stand up for myself with the home support agency this morning. Posted about it in the whine thread. But basically they wanted to negotiate cutting our service visits back by one per day, putting the work load back onto me. I suspect they're probably starting with the "nice" people to see what they can get away with. (Dumb move to wake me up in the morning. I am not at all nice then.)

They are a private agency under contract to the regional health authority to provide home support services. Palliative home support is 100% covered under our provincial medical care. The care plan was made by the community nurse, based on her assessment of mom's and my needs. Supposedly the agency is "short-staffed," but I've been hearing that since we started getting home support, and, well, you know: "A failure to plan on your part....", etc.

So I not only stomped my feet and said a very emphatic, "NO," I wound up leaving a message about it for the community nurse this afternoon. I was hemming and hawing about reporting it all day, but I got to thinking, what is going to happen to all the people who can't say no, because they're afraid to speak up or they're too sick to fight back? Cutting services to the dying is just really f***ed up. 

Duck, Dori is totally right. Good answer Dori.

aw, thanks Sharyn.
Funny conversation after though. My husband told me a family story that has come up again recently that he didn't want to repeat "because it would make me think less of his parents". "It would reinforce my bad opinion of them". *haha*
When his parents sold a house in Florida when he was a boy, there was some notation for some reason that the interior had to be repainted. Hubs not sure if law or in closing paperwork etc. Well, his parents were given a list of colors very specific and expensive paints. They proceeded to get cheap paint (one room slightly orange, another slightly pink, etc). His mother recounts this story again and again giggling when she repeated last week (I know because hubs mentioned it) "We were so BAD !!!".
I just looked at him - what normal adult does that? As a kid we accept the weird stuff that adults do. As adults, that sort of statement really reinforces my belief that his mother's narcissism under influence of Parkinson's has advanced to include dementia. She said the same "So BAD" comment about walking without walker in living room with hardwood floor at house on visit. I just told husband that the two of them are sliding quickly down to the caregiving abyss. I will be involved to some degree because I'm his wife. We live in the same house. His income is the main one for our household. His job frequently calls him in "for some emergency". I get it. I do. But I found a list of affirmations and will share a few with you all here:
I always have a choice.
I can always say "no" to people or situations that do not align with life's highest good and purpose.
I can say "no" and walk away from situations that cause me emotional pain or turmoil.
I do not have to do something because someone tells me I *should* do it.
I choose to let go of self blame, I choose to let go of poor self-esteem, and I choose to assert my individual rights in my marriage.
I realize that I am inherently worthy of being cherished, being loved, experiencing loyalty, and experiencing emotional SAFETY in my marriage and other close relationships.
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING OTHER PEOPLE'S BAD DECISIONS WORK.
peace out my brothers and sisters in this place of safety:)

Guest, you always have great suggestions! So much wisdom on this thread. I’m sorry to hear your in-laws are getting worse. Hubs and brother do have decisions to make. I get not telling family about available time while looking for a job. I got where I didn’t tell my sister what my days off from work were.

My gardening starts sooner than excepted as I received a lilac yesterday. I missed the email informing me it was shipped. Tomorrow I will plant it.

Tryingmybest.....I have tried to be more silent over the years. I don't think I'm cut out for it. And I really wish I had the willpower to just keep my mouth shut when someone is being judgey or rude or obtuse. The stupid thing is, it ends up being such a waste of my time in the end! Again.

golden - I meant to ask, whereabouts-ish in the interior is your hubby looking? And I realize, too, I'm not totally sure what he does!

50schild - how did things end up with the nun?

Duck - just re-reading your last comment....it just seems you really want your family to be something they can't be. I think maybe you still keep having these expectations that they are going to rise to the occasion and become better people, instead of accepting that they're not, and never will. I dunno if that's crazy so much as it is extreme optimism, lol. But the thing is, you know who they are - they've been showing this whole time, and for all your life, really. Perhaps what's actually dragging you down is the constant disappointment you feel when they fail to meet your expectation that they'll change. I'm no stranger to that feeling! But maybe if you can let go of that expectation, you'll start to feel better. ((((big hugs)))) You are more than your family. Remember that.

That makes me think....lately I've been wondering if I am setting myself up for disappointment with my brother. I sooooo want to have a relationship with him again. So much that I'm doing all that "women's emotional labour" stuff in helping him to say goodbye to our mother - like as if I already know I'm gonna be sooooo strong and stoic about it that I have to support the weaker one.  I'm a bit surprised at myself, because I'm very much for men being self-starting, responsible, equal participants in the maintenance of functional families and relationships, and very much against the stereotypical pattern of women being the family secretary/central operations manager. I find myself saying things to my friends, like, "I don't want him to have any regrets." Like that's my responsibility or something!

For awhile, I was trying to move past our previous sh** for our mother's sake. But now - especially since I started recognizing our mother's role in helping to push us apart - I'm realizing how much I don't want him to disappear out of my life when she is gone. It's like.....we're survivors of the same war, and we're the only two people in the world left who witnessed it. The last two old veterans standing at the cenotaph.  And I feel like I don't want to be a survivor all by myself. I want to know there's one other person who understands completely what I went through, instead of all these other people who either don't get it, don't believe it, or just feel sorry for me.  Does that make sense at all?

I can only admit this because he said something nice to me, lol.  It gave me hope.

Hi all. Thanks for asking about us, Golden. My son was in town for part of spring break so the VISITS with FIL/MIL and with my friend(courtesy Aunt)/her mom(courtesy Grandma) occurred. Son visit was great - he had to get social security card replaced because he forgot where he put it. Good object lesson with self advocating and keeping track.
FIL/MIL - he is now on oxygen concentrator and cannot even eat at table without the cannula in his nose. MIL told all at table that she is on new meds that prevent "wiggles" and then proceeded to not be able to sit after 20 minutes without jerking and unable to lift water pitcher without help. She is also "zoning in and out" - i.e. onset of dementia with the Parkinson's - and seems to have trouble keeping her stories straight with her woe is me to my husband and her I'm fine to me. They are getting worse - faster and faster. My husband and his bro are making choice not to get actively involved. I was able to sit at table, not bite on any of the leads for all the help that they need and loneliness to see me and have help with paperwork not specified, and not fight tooth and nail over hubs decisions. It's just giving me a framework for my responses going forward. *sigh*. But I'm ok. looking for new job but not telling anyone in extended family so that no pitch for my "available time" is made:)

Duck, just a thought...if they don't respect your boundaries, maybe you need to think of the boundaries as being for yourself. This is just an example - say your sister does something that really upsets you - set a boundary for yourself that you will not respond to her in any way, keep your own self cool and think about something pleasant, go to a happy place in your own mind. If you respond, you are playing her game. Set your boundaries and play your own game.

I know you love your mother and wish you had a good relationship with her. but at this point it's probably unlikely. Look at it from the perspective that it is her loss that she chose not to love a daughter who so obviously loves her and wants the best for her. I guess what I'm trying to say is to not internalize what your mom and sister do to you. When you think of what they are doing to you, turn it around and think of what they have lost by not accepting your love and caring for them over the years. That might be better than you beating yourself up over everything they do. Love yourself first. Do that and you will find the people who will love you in return.

Dori - LOL.... "just in it for the inheritance" so funny! When my husband feels the need to verbally respond to sanctimonious judgement he keeps it simple. Here are a few of my favorites "OK...", "Is that all?....", "I see....", "really?....." and when he is really feeling verbose " ...and that would be your opinion....". Less is more and he has taught me there is great power in silence. Also having a great poker face helps :)

Home sick today with a fever and a chest cold. I mentioned it to Mom and told her I was staying home in bed. Her sarcastic response..."how nice that YOU can a break" then she went on and on about her woe filled life. I cut it short and I'll not be calling her back for a couple days, at least not till I am feeling better. Boundaries!

I'v e been at Dad's past week and just catching up. Knocked over by these posts from Eagle and everyone. DDDuck's "I spent a lot of love and energy and committment to my family not realizing the the feelings were not the same. Not even considering that possiblity." Amen. And making amends with my brain. And Countrymouse's endless ability to lovingly, plainly comment on anything with depths I didn't know existed. I want to forget the practical and just take in my fellow traveler's insights.

My practical, today, is Dad's night tenant, who is becoming unwound. I asked her, a former nun who lost her convent, to please not park on Dad's thawing Michigan permafrost lawn, as neighbors don't care for the ruts and torn up sod. Her response: I will pray all night away at a 24-hour chapel. I reply back, "Oh dear, no need for that, just park on the driveway." Her response: "The Chapel is were I belong." Turns out she was almost fired from her daytime caregiving job and creditors are piling on her. I don't have much compassion capacity, but must work this out too.

Excellent advice trying!

Hi East - People are all different and that includes our elderly. Some remain social, some withdraw and some were never social to begin with. Are you OK with talking to your Mom on the phone for 3-4 hours a day? The reason I ask, it sounds excessive and it might be enabling your Mom to be overly dependent on you. If you are fine with dedicating so much time and energy to try and make your Mom happy , then I wish you well with it. On the other hand, if you are giving up your own needs in the process you might want to pull back and think about it.

I can only speak from my own experience. My Mom is and always has been a bottomless pit of demand for attention. In my younger days, trying to make her happy was an obsession for me and it made me ill. I got some help and after a while I learned to value my own well being and worth. I detached and set boundaries. Mom did not like it one bit and she threw more than a few memorable tantrums, but she did fine. Mom is elderly now. I am there for her more but I still maintain boundaries and detachment. I call most days of the week but I limit the time we are on the phone. I bring a meal on Saturday, give them their meds and visit. Sometimes, I take a Saturday off. Everyone is different, only you can decide your best approach to dealing with your Mom.

As for brother going on vacation. Nothing wrong with him taking vacation but it's presumptuous of him to think you will just cover for Easter. If you don't want to do that, tell him. If you can, it might help to stop focusing on brother and think about how you want to do (or stop doing) for Mom.

My sister thought it was her job to tell me what I needed to do for our parents. I spent a lot of time resenting her attitude and behavior and it made me miserable. When I am able to let go of what sis says and does, my mind becomes more clear, my resentment melts away and I am able to make better decisions.

Like Kylies. That takes me back...

Liz - Have you got a clean Kylie?
Self - [thinking "Minogue," like you would] - Umm..?
Liz - If we're changing the bed anyway.
Self - ?!?!?!? Ohhh, gotcha... Why's it called a Kylie?!

I believe it is a brand.

OHHHHHH. Underpads! Gotcha. I just started using these with mom, on the couch and the bed.

Edit: is Chux a brand name? Ours are generic and just called underpads. 

Chux. Those blue backed thingies.

Duck - forgive me for being stuck on this part of your post, but what are chucks? I have this mental image of you tossing Converse runners all over the floor.

Thanks, Becky and Sharyn.

I'm just gonna start telling people I'm in this for the inheritance.  Might as well be hanged for a sheep....

Hi All, I have been off line for a while. I hope you all have been treating yourselves well. Things are still the same. The therapist apt went good. I really liked him. This next visit will be the test as he gave me some things we were going to work on boundaries being one.

My first thought was how do you set boundaries when no one respects you or your boundaries.

I get a little depressed when I see things done and dont know who is doing them. My nephew threw out the second garbbage can. The last one of the three is a white one which I had just cleaned. I put it in backyard and use it when I am cleaning because I dont want it to get messed up and then thrown outwith the rest. I came down and found someone had cleaned up dirty chucks but didnt put anymore down. So I mopped the whole level and put some chucks down. I see someone is picking up the chucks and throwing them out for now. That is the frustration for me. The trashcan is thrown away and now wwho ever is throwing out the chucks reguallarly for now but how long will that last.

Also my mother is a little more confused. its so painful to look in her eyes and know she is not really there. I came down today and when I passed she mutter look at that ugly thang just came in here. I wonder sometimes if that is how she really feels about me. Its things like that that make me wonder what the hell I am doing here and why. Then things were normal and regualar. She flitts around constantly and that has me concerned. She takes things out the freezer like she is going to cook so I see I have to stop buying stuff ahead of time.

My heart is heavy not just watching mymother deteriorate. It what she means to me even if we have this sordid relationship. Then its what I wonder what the truth really is with me her and my twisted. maybe I dont really need to know. I just dont understand any of this situation and the how and the why of it all. Family has always meant so much to me and I spent a lot of love and energy and committment to my family not realizing the the feelings were not the same. Not even considering that possiblity.

The house is a mess. The floors all need cleaning. Part of the ceeiling fell in the kitchen on my sister floor and she left the pile right thre. The same in the back room when my mother was more herself. Its just left like that. When I came back I was surprised to see that just about every roomin the house is full of junk. How my sister does nothing to fix up or build up or keep up. How i plan to get the gbathroom on my floor working now, even though I am not finished paying for the shed (the work is still not finished)

I just wish I didnt feel so all alone in this situation. But the truth is I am and I realize that I am the enemy to my twisted and nephew. I feel sad about that. Now it seems someone is stepping up to the plate and helping with the dog mess. I was glad to see but its frustrating because I see this as temporary and only because I had stoppped my selft from doing it as I got tire being the lonly one cleanin up the pee and do it seemed like it was being left for me. Am I crazy. I just always wished i had a normal clean house. A family where everyone did there part. pulled their weight or at least had a common goal. I make my self reponsible because I care. I care about my mothers surrounding about the family house about her eating. It just pisses me off to see the flux when the concern and attendtion is increased ususally inspired by a lack eirtherr real or imagined on my part and it lasts for a while then its right back to the same old oblivion. I know i sound bitter. I feel this way at times. My mother needs a home attendant there with her. Someone who can get to know her now, and learn her and she can get used to them before she gets worse because that is what is happening Its subtle and maybe as I type that is what is really bothering me.
That she is getting worse and everyday I am lossing more and more of my mother while I live with the uglyness she fostered throughout the family. Making me the sole reason for all lthe wrong. and sometimes that is just what I feel.
With all of that going in my heart I am in the down mode. But otherwishe things are good. I need to get one thing in to complete my taxes. My laundrymat had a fire in the dryers while I was drying my clothes. Thank God my clothes were not burnt. A man who was ther lost some of his clothes. Then the neighbor who is a gentleman Mr R. who checks on my mohter and who I used to share our dinner with. He had a fire in his room. Its sad he is geeting old. We all know each other and the lady he rents from says she wants him out. Our children grew up together and she and I are pretty tight. She came to the ER when I was on when her Godson got shot and killed. We have a good bit of history. She took care of Mr. R like he was her father when he was in the hsptal soon after he moved in. She says now she wants him out. he was agruing with her saying it wasnt his faault. Its sad and scary to see people aging and going down not just my mother. I just pray I dont be a burden to anyone.

I also finally got to nursing home to see my girlfriend. She had a stroke about 2months ago. It seemed like she recognized me at first. She cant speak and her right side is weak so she is in a wheel chair. But she looks really good and like she is okay with the program.

My cousin is still dealing with the shortness of breath on exertion. she passed every thing and luckily one of her doctors from the past stoped them form doing MRI on her as she had some time of metal implanted for breast implants after massectomy. Thank goodnessfor that. Other than that she is good. She stays on facebook with her shpping expeditions and showing her manicures and pedicures. Its kinda crazy, but I have my crazy to.

Maybe I can meet my crazy head on in this therapy, I truly hope so.

Rays of love peace and light to you all.

This is the thread for it all Dori.

Dorianne, We've all been there. When I used to say anything to family members about my mom they would jump all over me. She's your mother; you owe her, etc. etc. One day her younger brother, closest in age to her said "She's always been mean and hateful and you all know it!" None of them hassled me too much after that. My mom didn't change and neither did my my bad bro, her favorite child. It's just the way it is and you stick with until you can't take it anymore. I was lucky. My mom didn't have dementia, didn't require too much hands on caregiving. She had severe mobility issues, severe hearing and vision issues. I got to the point I couldn't take it. I packed up and moved 1000 miles north where I had bought a house for my retirement. You're a good caregiver and you can say whatever you want about how caregiving has screwed up your life, put your own needs on hold, etc. That's what we're here for.