The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Ugh. Why do I even TRY to talk about my dumb family in threads outside of this one.

*bangs head on steering wheel*

Easteagle, I grew up hating my dad. After I married and lived out of my parents home, I realized the problem was not my dad. It was my mom. I suggest you keep the memories you have of your dad unless memories should surface showing your dad as a bad person. Don’t let your mom brainwash your memories.

Hi - again. Sorry for all my typing errors in my last post. I meant to say that I never held any grudge towards my Dad for not wanting us to live in my Parent's house. As I said, when we had our first child, my Husband and I lived in an apartment in Boston, on the ninth floor, and that building had a policy of no kids and no pets. So, my Parents owned a 3 family house, that is where my Mother still lives, and they lived in the larger top floor apartment. Another couple lived in the 2 bedroom apt. on the first floor, and there was an empty one bedroom next to it, also on the first floor. My Mother said - "I think you should move into the small apartment in our house." We had looked at other apartments all over, and the rents were too much for us, since I had stopped working when we had our first daughter. I had worked for an insurance company. My Father had been redoing the small apartment, but he had not finished tiling around the bathroom shower, so we moved into my old bedroom in my Parent's apartment. Not exactly the ideal situation, but we thought it was just for about a week or so, until my Dad has finished the tile work, he had just about half of the shower done. As it turned out, we ended up waiting for 8 months or so, and my Dad still had not worked on the bathroom. I did ask him, very nicely, if he was going to finish it so we could move downstairs. He said he was going to, but never did. So, we decided that we could not keep waiting, we had to move out. We looked around again, at apartments near my Parent's house and in nearby cities, but we could not afford them on just one salary coming in. Then we found out about the rents in the suburbs and that we could afford a nice place. I was 22 years old when we moved out. We have lived in the MetroWest area, outside of Boston, for the last 44 years, and as I said before, we always drove to my Parent's house on the weekends. At Xmas we made 2 trips. Xmas Eve at my Aunt's house in Chelsea, and then back home around midnight, and then the next day we got the 3 kids ready again for the drive over to my Mother's house on Xmas day in Chelsea - for Xmas dinner. My Brother lived at home until he got married the first time when he was 27 years old, even though he had graduated from college and had a very good job. He did not have to pay them any rent or - as we used to say - room and board. He didn't help them out with any bills at all. Until he bought his own car later on, he was always using my Mother's car all the time. Then he had an accident and totaled her car. She was afraid to buy another car - she said that he would be using the car all the time and that he might wreck the new one too. So my Parents ended up having to ask him for a ride if they wanted to go to a relatives house for the Holidays. They also used public transportation to get to work in Boston. Anyway, I meant to say that I never said anything to my Dad about the apartment, we simply moved out. My Mother never asked my Dad to finish the bathroom for us, and he would not allow my Husband or anyone else to help him, or to do the work for him.
So, it has always been a long and complicated situation. There were times when my brother refused to drive my Parents to a family function, and he would not tell them until the last minute, but they would never really say anything to him, and there were no consequences for his behavior. I think that is why he treats my Mother with a lack of respect, but he expects so much from other people.

To Countrymouse, yes I had been worrying about it too much. But, I also have a very happy life and a great social life as well, where I live. My husband stays pretty involved with his own interests, and hobbies, unless his back, leg, and hips act up. It was the Cousin who helps my Mother out, who called me and told me that I needed to sell my house and move back to Chelsea. She had always lived with her widowed Mother, and they owned a house together. She is the baby of the family, and her dad died when she was just 6 years old, so of course she would be attached to her Mother. She can't understand why I would not want to move back closer to my Mother. Her Mother was 93 years old when she died, and My Cousin is still upset. By the way, the crime rate is up in that City. It was my Mother who had told us that we could rent the smaller apartment in her house, this was back in 1973. Our apartment building did not allow children. My Dad really didn't want us to live there, since he didn't like my Husband that much. So, he did not finish the bathroom in that apartment. We were living in my Parents apartment. We waited for 6 months, and my Dad still didn't get the apartment ready for us, so we looked around to rent another place. Everything was really expensive around the Boston area, so we moved out to Framingham. My parents didn't drive any longer, long story, so we always drive back to their house. Later on we moved to another suburb - 30 miles from Chelsea. I am a volunteer teacher twice a week, and take adult classed twice a week. So I do feel guilty that I really should be using my time to help my Mother. When my brother was renovating another house, he and his wife and 2 kids moved into another apartment in my parents house, and they did not have to pay any rent. They ended up living there for 4 years- another long story. His wife got involved in buying and selling drugs with the other drug dealers in the City, to make more money, and my Mother thinks that my Brother was also involved. This was almost 30 years ago. He got a divorce from that first wife. He did not have to take care of his kids, my Mother took care of them. Bought them all their clothes, eye doctor appointment, new eye glasses, everything. I did hold a grudge against my parents for not following thru with the apartment. I have never asked or taken one single penny from my Parents. and we payed them back any unpaid rent for the time we had lived in her house. I have to go and teach now, I will get back to you later. Thanks All.

Well this one is easy, anyway: "Since then I have been trying to come to terms with all of this new information, and asking myself if I should still feel the same way about my Grandmother and Father."

No, you absolutely should NOT alter your historical relationship with your grandmother and your father to your mother's world view . You are not your mother. Separate your identities. Adopting your mother's emotions is incredibly unhealthy, it's enmeshment in spades. Sympathising with a person, acknowledging her feelings, is NOT at all the same thing as believing that they are objectively the only correct truth.

My Dad died in 1999. From the next day (I'd been quite close to both parents) I called and/or saw my mother every day unless she was out of the country, right up until the day I moved in with her, before we moved again together with my exSO to our shared house.

So it isn't, believe me, that I somehow "disapprove" of close, supportive mother-daughter relationships, not at all. What pains me, and has done for a while, is how you have seemed to me to be running around the outside of your mother's life looking for a way in. You feel very closely connected with her and what is happening with her; but when it comes to including you in a practical way, the reality is that you are excluded.

It's for perfectly good reasons, actually. Because of distance, age and other physical barriers, you are not on hand to perform the support services your mother needs. Your brother has made other arrangements. They, your mother and brother, have sorted this all out to suit themselves. It's fine.

But having been so closely involved for so long, it is you who seems to be having the real trouble adapting. Is it some residual guilt at having asserted your own family's right to branch out to a different location? - if so, I do kind of suspect it's coming from you, more than from them.

Take another sentence - you say you are the only person your mother can really talk to or complain to.

Well, now. You are the only you. The conversations she has with you are different from those she has with other people. That's simply true.

But that does not mean that you are the only person who can contribute meaning and human contact to her life.

Off on a little flight of fancy... suppose you developed severe laryngitis, or your phone got cut off? Your mother would be fine. She could talk to other people if she wanted to, or not if she didn't. The point is that no material harm would come to her.

Your daily calls to her, I'm sure, are important to her and do benefit her. They could be just a pleasant, healthy habit in her daily routine. But right now they're not, are they? They cause her to ruminate on past injuries. They bore the a** off you, when they don't actually upset you. And they obstruct her interaction with other people: not every relationship has to be permanent, deep or meaningful. Chatting about the weather or the terrible food to her roommate also has value.

"Variety's the very spice of life, that gives it all its savour..."

And you know what else is okay? Feeling dissatisfied. Your mother is a lady of decided opinions. She likes to express them. That's fine! But it doesn't mean that she *needs* someone to bounce her opinions, her complaints, her grievances off. She's entitled to her feelings, and she's entitled to have them whether or not she puts them into words and sticks them in your ear. I wouldn't want to change your mother or any other characterful lady for the world! More power to them, I say. This is ONLY a question of how you respond to her, not of her absolute right to be as she is.

This built up gradually, over years. So, you can equally well water it down gradually, taking your time. You can, for example, make it a rule to cut the conversation short once you've put the world to rights. Or, you can alternate days with marathon phone calls and days when your call is just a quick check up, you have to rush but you'll call her again tomorrow as normal.

What I'd like to know, though, is how you'll be spending the time you save. Because I don't want it to be sitting in a chair worrying about whether you've hurt your mother's feelings by limiting your call to a half hour.

Hi, Countrymouse. Actually, I did go to therapy in the past, but it didn't really solve all the issues. As for the phone calls: it started along time ago. After I moved out of the City to the "Country" as my Mother calls it - she began to call me almost every night after she got home from work. She wanted to know how her baby Granddaughter was doing, etc. As I said, we would always do all of the driving to her house, and to my 2 Aunt's houses. They made all of the arrangements for the Holidays. My Mother would expect us to be at her house or the Aunt's for every occasion. But back then, my Husband liked driving, and enjoyed being with my Family. Being with his Family was totally not a problem since they are a different religion and did not celebrate Xmas and Easter, and not even Thanksgiving. But even before my Father died in 2009, my Mother had retired from her job, and that is when the longer phone calls started. It was either every single day or every other day. I actually did not mind it back then, because that is when she told me more about her Childhood, and I have written her memories down to pass on to her Grandkids, and the Great Grandkids. So what is happening now, is that my Mother does not have anyone to talk to during the day, I am the only person she likes to talk to. Also, she only wants to talk to someone who watches the news, because she likes discuss Politics, and world news. She can hear very well on the phone, since the phone is up to her ear. On the weekends, if my Brother and his wife are visiting, she has told me that they don't like to hear her stories about the past, they are not interested, and she claims that they ignore her when she is talking to her. She also said that she can't have a real, meaningful conversation with her Daughter - in - Law because she does not watch the news, and is very "ignorant" about what is going on the world. So talking about the news will take up about the first hour of our conversation, but then my Mother will go off on a long "tangent" about the past and will go into every little detail which I have already heard. Or, she will go and on about how bad my Father had treated her. That is when it gets very tedious for me to stay on the phone after 3 hours. We have actually talked for up to 5 hours on some days. So now when I get tired of talking to her, I have to tell her that I need to go into the bathroom, so I can get off the phone. I am the only person she can really talk to or complain to. She does not like any of the Home Health Women, so she doesn't really talk to them that much. So this is something that has evolved over time. I always loved my Dad, and I loved my Grandmother (Mom's Mother) almost more than I love my Mother. But, my Mother has told me how terrible my Dad was to her, and she also told me that her Mother (Nana) was verbally and emotionally abusive to her. So after my Grandmother died in 1998, and Father died in 2009, and I was really missing them, my Mother was telling me all of these terrible things about them. Since then I have been trying to come to terms with all of this new information, and asking myself if I should still feel the same way about my Grandmother and Father. It's been complicated. Also, my Brother did text me and said I needed to see my Mother on Easter.

"He just informed me, by texting, that he is going on vacation again and will be away for Easter. So, he told me that I needed to be at my Mother's house for Easter."

Hang on. He TOLD you you were on duty over Easter? Or you inferred that from his saying that would be away on vacation? He said, or you understood; which.

Ah! You answer my question later on. He told you no such thing, East, did he? He said he would be going away for the holiday. He did NOT say, "so you're dealing with mother."

You conclude: "I have been put in the middle of this craziness."

Again, no such thing. You have been consistently *excluded* by your brother. He does not inform you about your mother's arrangements. He does not list you among people to be contacted. He expects your mother to rely on the services he has set up.

And East, I say this in all kindness and concern: please get help. Anyone who can spend three hours a day on the phone to their mother talking about NOTHING is in a brain fog. Your mother is in rehab, it makes no difference to her whether she's giving you a running commentary or not, and if she isn't on the phone then the staff and the t.v. and her room-mate and sleep will provide her with all the occupation she needs. But you are in your home, with what should be the everyday routine going on around you. One hour would be stretching it; fifteen to thirty minutes should qualify as ample for a morale-boosting, "thinking of you" chat. Three hours and more? Stop it!

It concerns your mother, knowing that if she asks your brother to do anything for her she is taking him away from his work and imposing on him. Well, she IS imposing on him. But if he minded that much, he would increase the range and hours of services. There isn't a problem, or at least not a problem he isn't manifestly handling just fine.

But the point, as far as it concerns you, is that NEITHER your mother nor your brother expects you to carry out any of these tasks.

The way that they have excluded you over all the time you have been posting on this thread has saddened me before. On the occasions when you have tried to help in practical ways, they have, it struck me, been rather impatient and dismissive; and it must be hurtful.

To return to the crazy amount of time you spend on the phone to your mother; I'm not sure of what exactly, but this is symptomatic of something. Three to four hours every day is... dramatically excessive.

What are you doing to take care of yourself emotionally?

Hi, I forgot to mention one other thing. My Mother also told me every day, for the last 2 weeks in rehab, that she was going crazy from boredom. So, I suggested that maybe she could talk to her room mate. My Mother said that she "seemed like a nice person." But, when I made this suggestion, my Mother said that she only wants to talk to people that she knows. And, that it is not a good idea to start talking to people that she does not know, because when she leaves the rehab - they might want to keep in touch with her - and she doesn't want to "get involved with people calling her". I would like to know if this is also "typical" of the Elderly? I have met many people in their 70's and 80's who love to socialize. I know several who can't drive anymore, but they have made friends who can still drive and they can get a ride with them. They go to my Church, and to the Senior Center, and they enjoy getting out to socialize. When my Mother retired from her job at Macy's in Boston, she was 68 years old. She stayed at home, and did what my Dad told her to do. She cooked and served him 3 meals a day. She did all of the food shopping, all for him. She likes to remind me that they had a very bad relationship. I told her that I would never allow anyone to treat me that way and I would never be anyone's live in "cook and servant". My Mother would stopped going to her Church, and lost touch with the people there. She also refused to even "try out" the Senior Center. She never went anywhere, and did not enjoy herself when she did come to my house, which was only on 2 occasions. We always had to go to her house for all of the Holidays and almost every weekend so she could see the Grandkids. Now that my husband has the back injury, she still thinks that we can drive to her house all the time. Thanks again.

Hi again, sorry, I meant to type, that my Brother had told my Mother that she was going on Monday, today, but that he could not take her home because he would be working. Then he told her that he would take her home, but he would have take the whole day off from work. This is his way of making my Mother feel guilty for imposing on him and also for bothering him when she needs something at the store, or if she needs her meds from the drug store. It is my Mother's and brother's idea that she stay in her own house, but he feels annoyed when he has to help her, and my Mother feels that she is bothering him, so she tries not to call him for anything. I have been put in the middle of this craziness. Thanks All.

Hi Everyone, I need your opinions - again. The latest news about my Mother: I have to call this latest news - "back to square one." Also, I know I will sound like a "broken record" because the situation never seems to change or to improve. My last post was about my Mother who was in rehab for 15 days, which is the length of time that the Hospital had prescribed for her. So yesterday was 15 days. My brother was in Mexico for his job for the last week, and came home on Friday. He went to see my Mother on Saturday and told her that he was going home on Monday, BUT, he would not be able to take her home because he had to work and could not take a day off. I would like to mention that he went to Florida for Xmas and was there for almost 2 weeks, and I am assuming that he has not saved any personal days off for my anything that my Mother might need. He also went to Florida for the previous Xmas too, so that is 2 Holidays that he was away on vacation. He just informed me, by texting, that he is going on vacation again and will be away for Easter. So, he told me that I needed to be at my Mother's house for Easter. That is just one part of the issue. The main problem is that he did not tell me if our Mother is going to have the Home Health ladies come in for any additional days to help with meals, etc. My Mother is going to have visits from a Visiting Nurse, and will also be getting Physical and Occupational Therapy at home again. So for the 2 weeks that my Mother was in rehab, and I stayed on the phone with her, for at least 3 to 4 hours per day. This way she had someone to talk to, and it made the time go by faster for her. All of her rehab was in the morning, so that took up an hour or so, then it was lunch time, so I would call her around 12:30pm or 1:00pm, and as I mentioned - we would talk for 3 to 4 hours so gave her something to do every afternoon. While we would be talking, my Mother had a another lady patient in her room who had her TV turned up so loud - that I could her it in the back round and it was pretty loud. Every day our conversation was the same thing, over and over again - about how the food was so horrible that my Mother could not eat it. In fact, she hardly ate anything the entire time she was there. Also, by mistake she threw away her hearing aid which was around $2,000.00. If she can find the receipt, she might be able to replace it, but I'm not sure yet. The most important issue: I talked to her again about selling her house, and moving to assisted living, so she would not have to worry about the house when my Brother is away one week a month, and when he goes on vacation. Also, she would not have to worry about food shopping, etc. My cousin is still going to help my Mother, but she is only available 2 days a week. She lives closer and can get to my Mother's house quickly, if there is an emergency. So, my Mother has not decided if she will sell the house or not. Her plan is to get home today, and she does not want anyone coming to the house "to bother her." So, my question is, should I just wait to see what happens. I could not get any information from Mom or my Brother about the Home Health aids - if he will have them come more often. As usual, I could not get him to speak to me on the phone. He only sent me a text message to say that he was going on vacation for Easter. So in other words, even though he knows that it is very difficult for me to get to my Mother's house, he is going to leave her care and safety - all up to me. I think I mentioned that my Mother had refused to go to the Doctor or to the hospital. The visiting nurse and the Home Health Aide called 911, and even after they got to my Mother's - she would not go with them - they finally talked her into going to the hospital. My question is: Is this typical behavior of someone who is 93 years old? Should I try to make arrangements to stay with my Mother when my Brother goes on vacation? Or should I let them figure it out by themselves? It would be really difficult for me to stay with Mom. I would love to help her, I just don't live close enough to drive back and forth. Thanks everyone.

ali - the trust - great - finally!!! and so good to hear you are feeling well. It has been a long journey. Wow!!!!

dori - that is an amazing email from your bro, amd a real treasure. I can't imagine anything like that from my sister. I hope you are still getting a little respite and relaxation. Your job with mum isn't getting any easier.

glad - hope you get that insurance mess sorted out. I know how it drags on and on. Proof of fraud should help.

moose - I understand. I am the cinderella child too. Stick up for yourself any way you can. It is so demoralising.

trying -good to see you back.

guest -how are things in fil/mil land?

becky - glad you got through surgery and are better

margeaux - good to see you posting and that your mum is doing well. That job is frustrating!!!

sharyn - hope the twins are doing well

Everyone - hi - I am a bit foggy these days, so apologies to anyone I left out.

The good news is that finally my other lens is in so I will get my glasses done next week. It does seem an unreasonably long time. The bad news is that the brand of FM pain meds that I use is not due in till May, and I am running out. One version is due the end of March, but I have had an allergic reaction to everyone I tried before except the one I am on. Hoping that the one that comes in sooner will work for me.

Having a spring CFS/FM flareup and maybe allergy to snow mould. It is the time of year.

Looks like Kelowna is off the books, but R has applied for another one in southern BC. Meanwhile the daily routine grinds on. One more northern winter under my belt.

Take care all.

Thank you, Countrymouse and Dorianne! If Cinderella were real, I'd know exactly how she felt. I can't count on Sisters being with Mom any length of time, overnight, or try to take her home with them so I could have a night off. If they show up, they never say how long they'll stay or if they'll spend the night. I have to ask how long they plan on being here so I can figure out if I get to leave for errands! S1 told me a long time ago whether Mom might go to their house or any time off for me: "Don't count on anything." I can't wait to go home, hopefully within a month.

Ugh, MountainMoose. Your sisters are awful. CM is right, they do treat you like Cinderella.

Maybe you can do something nice for yourself and not consult them for a change? A concert ticket might be unaffordable, but what if one evening when they are there, you just quietly gussy yourself up and walk out the door - don't even tell them where you are going!  If they ask, just say, "I'm going out! 'Bye!" And keep moving. Even if you end up sitting in a coffee shop or a library for a few hours.  Let them stew.

Great news Ali!!

Margeaux, good head from you. Glad to hear your mom is doing well!

Dori- so glad your brother sent that letter! Best of luck with your Mom.

Ali - It's wonderful that you are feeling more hopeful and joyful!! Letting go is the biggest gift we can give ourselves. Your post was a good reminder to me. Thank you.

Margeaux - so good to hear from you. The job situation sounds really frustrating. Particularly since you had to wait two months to qualify for the work! I hope you get another better client soon.

Have a great day all!

Oi, MM.

Just because your rude sisters treat you like Cinderella, you don't have to follow suit, you know.

Did you fancy the concert? (personally I'd rather take a bath in sick, but that's just me) Next time, say "thanks! I'd love to! Hang on while I get my leather jacket..."

Wait for them to be normal, you'll wait a long time. So you have to fake it for them.

Petty. Petty pettiness I'm grumbling about this morning. Mom's condition is worsening (how much worse can it go, you ask? I don't know but it keeps worsening. How her body just keeps going is beyond us). Anyway, Sisters 1 and 2 came over yesterday evening. Sister 2 brought Chinese takeout. Previously, Sister 1's DH bought tickets to a rock concert for tonight. She doesn't want to go but only sneers at him and his sister in how they act when they go to concerts. So S1 asks S2 "You want to go? You can have my ticket." S2 says, "No, you go." S1: "I just want to stay with Mom." I wonder if S1's here with Mom, will she offer the ticket to me since I'll be "free". Nope. They both talk like I'm not even in the room. They don't look at me or speak to me.

S2 says to S1 as she's leaving: "Call me when Mom wakes up. I'll come by and see if she'll go home with me." [Now, for those you late to this fiasco, I'm Mom's live-in caregiver and have been away from home doing so for a year.] S1 says, "I'm not spending the night." As S2 leaves the house, she repeats to S1: "Call me when Mom wakes up."

Margeaux, so good to hear from you! Sounds like everything is going well.

Ali! Terrific, about time.

And you all may remember the fraud of a contractor depositing a check that was made to me AND them for mitigation work after the fire. Well the first check I hung onto trying to get them to cover cost of broken items. They would not tell me their insurance carrier for a liability claim. The first check went stale. Insurance company reissued it then mailed to the company instead of me. Company wanted me to come by the office to endorse. Again, I told them sure once I was told how to file a claim for broken items. Then did not hear anything until asking the agent if that check made out to me AND them had cleared. It had. That was about a year and a half ago. I worked with insurance company to try to get them to process a claim on the bank for a forged check. It finally happened. I received notification from the mitigation company that if I do not pay that Bill they will turn me in to collections.

I now will contact the sheriff to report the forgery and see what they have to say about that. Part of me just wants this to go away. But, the owner of the company is a complete a##!

Hi Everyone,

It's been awhile since I've posted. I hope many of you who I've known here for several years are doing well.

Well a lot has happened in my life since a couple months ago. Remember I once posted about a sweet lady neighbor, I used to help out, as her family was completely unconcerned about her, passed away during November. Poor darling she had a variety of ailments, cancer survivor, but that came back. I really miss her, since she lived right next door and I'd been friends with her about 10 yrs. now.

I'm still working part time doing inspections of acupuncture clinics, which thank the cosmos, the main office has been calling me more as of late. Then back in October, a lady I know who has an autistic grown adult son, 23 yrs., old asked whether I'd be interested in becoming his provider. So I started that process, the application, then nowadays one needs to be fingerprinted, pass a background check, etc. Well that whole process took like two months to actually complete, the bureaucracy for this IHSS is so convoluted and slow, WOW!! Anyway, finally I started to work some hours w/this woman and her son. She has a ton of problems all having to do w/waiting on her deceased mother's trust. The mother died a year ago. The lady's two older sisters are in charge of the trust & giving this woman (their youngest sister) a horrible time, putting all the obstacles out front so that she can get her money. Of course this affects the way she operates, as she is depressed.

As it relates to me......I'm supposed to help her out w/errands and some light cleaning around her apartment. Now, of course there are other chores CG's can do like laundry, meal prep etc. However, given that this involves an autistic young man, she prefers to do those chores for the son, which I'm o.k., with. However, this means there's actually less things for me to do as a CG. Anyway, then this lady isn't very assertive, nor organized. I literally had to be the one contacting her to ask her what she had for me to do, and when to go to her house etc. Her kitchen for example was a complete mess. She is one of these people who lets the dishes pile up in the kitchen.
So I finally told her, "Well, you have dishes in your sink, I can do that." O.K., so finally I had something constructive to do, and be able to rack up some hours. Another time,
she mentioned I clean her fridge. So another day I spent about 4 hrs. doing that. Anyway, it was becoming completely frustrating for me, since it has become like I have to push the issue of hours worked, since DPSS gives them 44 hrs. p/mo. By week #3 having to work with someone like this, I was becoming completely frustrated about this. Well at the end of the month she now informs me that her son got booted off of Medi-Cal. Now to receive IHSS, one needs to be inscribed in Medi-Cal. So I basically charged for my hours worked during January. At this point I'm not so sure I'll be able to continue to work for this particular client. She almost behaves as if my working for her isn't that necessary, if you really ask me. Rather weird, since she's the one who asked me to become their provider. Anyway, she's trying to get the Medi-Cal going again, and we'll see.

Other than that mother is still with us, thank the cosmos! She went to the doctor a week ago, and my sis says they informed her that for a 96 yr. old she's doing pretty good, the vitals are in good shape.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Alison,

Well that's super good news to hear from you, that finally a trust appears to be getting sorted out? I sure hope so, as its been a long time coming for you. It sounds as if lots of things have changed for the good in your life, which you deserve. Sometimes we do have to look at the bigger picture in it all, and maybe for you it would be beneficial to let it go. Hey....of course that is entirely up to you. Anyway you sound good.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

They approved most of the reimbursement amount. They cut out a few thousand due to something-something "illegible or unclear" receipts.

This could be it if I'll let it be. I think I will. I'm done. Time to move on. I'm finding more strength and simple joy every day right now. My fitness trainer comes in morning a few times a week, I'm slowly going to get stronger, the landlord replaced valve in radiator that banged so I'm hoping I won't be waking up several times a night. Things could really start to even out into a Normal Life pattern for me, and I'm already on that path, just need to continue. I need that to happen. So then... it's over. I'll always have regrets for my grandmother and what she dealt with, I'll always know it was unfair and unjust how her money caused so many problems for her and her family... but it's done and over and I can't change any of it.

Ali - it sounds like maybe that's why they drag things on so long, so that people will get exhausted and give up! Sounds frustrating. I hope you get a settlement soon.

Becky, Sharyn and glad - I definitely won't delete that! It's possibly the nicest thing my brother has ever said to me. And he was pretty hurt when mom decided to move here, so this is an extra big leap for him.

Dori, it is great that your brother recognizes all of your hard work taking care of your mother. Frame that email!

Dori, it is awesome your brother recognizes all you have done and are presently doing for your mom! I agree with Glad, keep the email!!

Ali, I hope it all goes your way and that you get an affirmative outcome.

Trust Officer says he's presenting my receipts, my "case" as it were, to the deciding committee tonight. Either way, I should get an answer, and can proceed from there. I hope they approve reimbursement, of course, because that ends the issue. I'll worry about what happens next if they don't approve when/if I get that news.

Really... no matter what their choice is here in this matter, I do feel that it would be morally right to contact the local probate watchdog groups and just add my story to theirs. This is not first time this Trust has been accused of inappropriate and hurtful actions against individuals and families. I don't know, though. I'm doing ok in my new life, staying busy with work, still have some big health hurdles to try to get past... I'm in no place to be taking on the stress of revisiting any of that... but I also feel my grandmother deserves a voice, deserves that I put it on record about what happened to her using her own money.

The more time that passes, the more I think to just let it all go. Certainly feels better to just not think about it. The effects of the stress on me are all but done. I'm so, so glad.

Dori, wonderful to receive that acknowledgment from your bro. It doesn't sound like he held anything back about what he is feeling. I certainly understand what you are feeling. If one of the twisteds had said anything similar to me I would have been floored. Never delete that email and re-read it whenever you need to. He recognizes your efforts and competency in caring for your mom.

Soooooooooo, speaking of dysfunctional families....I finally wrote to my brother this morning (e-mail) and told him mom was on palliative care. It turned out well! I'm a little surprised.

Basically I just laid all the facts out - mom's condition, what the doctors say, what the palliative program is and means, what home support is providing, what hospice care will look like, etc. - basically all the decisions I've made without him! - and tried not to be pushy about it when I suggested if he wants to visit, now is the time.

Among the other things he wrote back, he said (it took me till the tenth time reading this before I started to well up, like it was unreal or something), "I should let you know I think you're doing an amazing job & that the decisions you are making are definitely the right ones. Mom knew what she was doing when she moved close to you, we all have our strengths & your abilities in this situation far exceed mine." I never thought I'd hear him say that!

He says he is planning to come up at Easter, roads permitting. Which is what I was hoping he'd say.

I feel like throwing confetti in the air. I don't know what I expected, really, but I feel like it's a huge breakthrough in our relationship....and that I've actually been judged as capable and competent, for the first time in my life, by the harshest critic I've ever known. Hence the confetti, even at a time like this.

Yikes! Never did this from the ground up before. It will be fun when I get over the initial panic.

Just did not make sense to buy a built house. Same money would have bought a 70's era home that has not been maintained or updated. Then another 100k or more to get the home where I would want it. Sooooo, here I go.

Glad, So exciting to hear about your building plans and how they are progressing. Enjoy every minute of the planning and picking out finishes, etc.