The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hi East. It's good to hear from you. I'm sorry for all the struggle that is going on with your Mom right now. It's clear your Mom can no longer be independent. I'm always amazed when one sibling "hints" around for another to give up their life and home to become a full time caregiver. I find that disrespectful. If your brother has POA and control over your Moms money thats even worse. You would essentially be a servant with no voice.

My sister "hinted" at the same thing for me not too long ago. Apparently my life, marriage, job, home are disposable, but not hers.

Moving in with your Mom seems like a bad idea to me, mostly because it sounds like you don't want to. That's enough of a reason.

I let my sister know, in no uncertain terms, that I am not and never will be a full time caregiver to my parents. They have in home help now and when that is no longer sufficient they will need to go into NH care, unless of course Sis wants to move in with them :)

If this is something you don't want, then I suggest you be clear about it now and put an end to the discussion before it begins. I wish you all the best and again, it's nice to have you back.

East, when brother hints, I would think it might be good to say something like "my goodness, who do you think we might get to move in and take care of mom? Would you like to?" Make it very clear to him that your caring for mom, either in her home or in yours is just not an option.

East, So good to hear from you. I’m so sorry your Mother is having such problems. I know what you mean about aging. I’m not sure I want to live into my 90’s either. Keep in touch with us.

Hi All, so as you can see I have not posted for some time. I will try to make this short. As you may recall - my Mother is 93, her birthday is in August. She broke her hip last July, had surgery, went to rehab, was not happy there, etc. When she got home - early August - she had some help for just the one week when my Brother had to travel for his job. My Mother did not want anyone to stay with her, but my Brother did the right thing, he put his foot down, and told her that she could not stay alone. For several months, she had Physical Therapists, and the Visiting Nurse on a regular schedule and the nice thing is that my Mother still has the same Nurse a few times a week. She complained - all the time - about people coming to bother her, and could not wait to "get rid" of the Therapists. So, ever since last August, we have been trying to get my Mother to accept some regular part-time help from the Elder Services. About 4 weeks ago, she finally agreed to let someone come - but only for 2 hours on Fridays. I knew that was really not enough. I just want to say that my Mother has always been so intelligent, and has loads of common sense. But, it has been so stressful to know that she has been struggling so much - and fighting a losing battle - to stay all alone in her house the other 6 days a week. So over the last few months, sometimes she had been getting mixed up between night and day. She called me at 9:00pm thinking that it was 9:00am. I didn't even want to tell her, since I knew she would be alarmed and upset. Another time - she was also mumbling on the phone which was very strange and alarming to me. The most upsetting thing for me is that she had started to fall down again, several more times, BUT the worst part is that she would not tell anyone that she fell. Just 3 weeks ago, she had fallen over backwards and hit her head, we think it happened at night. She did not call anyone. But, when the nurse came, either the next day, or 2 days later, my Mother's head was still bleeding - alot. The nurse drove her to the clinic and my Mother needed 4 staples. Of course my Mother would not tell me the truth - She made up 2 different ridiculous stories about what happened. One of the stories she told me - was that she was scratching her scalp too much and her head started to bleed. Well this past week, she had a bad pain in her leg and we don't know why. My Cousin happened to be at her house to go on errands for my Mother, and she wanted to take Mom to the Doctors and begged my Mother to go. But my Mother refused. So when the nurse came the next day and found my Mother in a lot of pain - she called 911. My Mother ended up in the hospital this past weekend, and they did a battery of tests, but could not find any broken bones, but I don't have all the info yet. To top it off, my Mother would not call Me or my Brother, so we had no idea she was in the hospital. My Mother only called our Cousin. I am not sure why the Nurse did not call my Brother, she may have tried to, but he doesn't always answer his phone. I had been trying to get the phone number for the Visiting Nurse, so I could inform her of my concerns, but my Mother and Brother ignored my requests. My Mother is now in a different rehab. My brother seems to like this place more than the previous rehab. I still don't understand why our Parents have to be so stubborn. It is so depressing to know that Mom has been struggling at home because she is so determined to stay alone. She would not let the Home Health people come and give her a shower or wash her hair. They would try every time to talk her into a shower, but she refused. So that was just going on and on. So my Brother just found out that she will need full-time care or a Nursing Home. He made a point to tell me that either the State or the Federal Govt. will pay a family member to care for an Elderly Parent. Of course that is a hint to me. I think he is hoping that I will volunteer for the job - and take care of Mom. That means he will be able to keep her house and not have to sell it. I would have to give up my entire life here, and move into her house. My Mother already said she would never come here, and my house is not equipped for her anyway. And, I had already told my Brother about our ongoing and also new health problems, but he has chosen to ignore me, as usual. I am going to push for the Nursing Home, and I am just so relieved to know that she can't be left alone now. So now we are at another turning point - and we knew that a nursing home was the last stop at the end of this long difficult journey. I just wish it was not so depressing and sad. Now I am thinking about how bad will things get when I am older? I really don't want to live into my 90's and have so many health problems. Thanks Everyone.

Thanks Golden and Becky. I will be surprised if actually drives as the distance is probably around 2,000 miles. This time of year it’s risky in the western states. She is supposed to leave tomorrow, I shall see if she does it.

Duck, just want to let you know (you may already be aware), therapy can bring out many emotions, it’s hard work but to get the best results ( from my own personal experience), perseverance gets you through the hard part of therapy. Hang in there.

Duck, Who does the dog belong too? If they aren’t going to take care of it, perhaps it’s time to find it  a new home.

I agree with Barb, get yourself on every assisted housing list that comes up. That way you’ll have a plan.

I hope that therapy goes well. Remember the only person who can help is you and how you respond and how you respond to their actions. Your mother and sister will never change. Only you can make you happy. Not anyone or anything else.

Duck, do you have a plan for where you're going to live after your mother passes away? Any news on the unpaid taxes/forclosure notice?

It's very hard to live with folks with mental illness. In your shoes, I would be putting my name on lists for affordable housing lotteries, waiting lists for limited income housing and the like. You don't want to be caught short without a plan when the time comes.

(((((Duck)))))

You know what I bet kills Twisted more than you writing a note or getting upset? Smiling at her every day and being happy at her.  Like it never happened.  (Maybe she'd even think her trick got foiled somehow!)  Obviously she's miserable or she wouldn't be trying to provoke you into joining her in negativity.  I think it's better to let people like that see you unshaken, like they're sh** means nothing to you. 

I was always pretty good with customers and "difficult people" because I was relentlessly happy, even at those difficult ones.  Throws them off their game, lol.

Golden - Kelowna is definitely more senior friendly, and definitely milder. Plus they have that excellent shopping and medical services, and the lake is beautiful. I hope it works out for you both!

I pretty much had my shoes and coat on when home support shoewed up for my first respite block today. Swimming was awesome! But exhausting, and things ache that I forgot could ache!

Of course mom rejected all offers of service from the home support lady. Tea, food, bathroom help, clothing help. She stayed in bed. And got up like immediately after I got back and home support left. And couldn't make it to the bathroom.....she slid herself down (on purpose) the walk-in closet wall and sat there, refusing my help for a half hour. "I'm cleaning this," she said, poking at 3 pieces of clothing on the floor. Sigh. Eventually she let me help her up. (I said, "Well, I need a nap, Mom, and I won't be able to sleep knowing you're on the floor.")

I dunno why she can't accept their help but will accept mine. Maybe I am more persistent though, because I know her better.

Anyway. Swimming! Excellent! Can't wait to go again!

Sharyn, thanks I am hearing that a lot and I am looking forward. They should be contacting me within next two weeks.
Smeshe, So sorry about your uncle's situation. Well now at least you know guardian is in charge. Doesnt sound like the girlfriend really cares. The son is lucky to have you working with him.
Barbs its, as usual, your wisdom and advise is right on point in helping someone.
Golden, I have missed you. I just started to pm you. Glad your mother got the new hearing aid and daggone right I would demand full payment as it was their negilgence more than once.

Becky I hope all is well.

I am stressed a little. My mother is getting certified which is not the big issue. So I go to clean toilet the scrubber isgone just picke up two on way to work. Go toclean the garbage can and its gone. Obviously this was done out of spite. She can walk all over the pee and dounky, dont sweep, mop or clean but can put her cruddy fingers on a garbage can she didnt buy and never cleaned. This is like the core of the type of relationship. No boundaries no conscience like I didnt buy this its not mine. And whats frustrating is that she acutally feels like she is right when she do this type stuff. Then on top of than my "Aunt J" met me. I gave her a birthday gift. We talked she asked me did I smell the gas the time they turned it off. I say no. I was working, I work nites but in any case who would not check if they smelled gas. She says my sister says I did. So here it is again. something happens and I am going to be made blame for in one way or another I am going to be the culprit. Someone gave me a ligjht bulb moment once early in my posting. He said my twistyed and mother were not rational it helped me change my perception because i was just focusing on their wrongness. But how do I dea wwith this type of mind set. How I mean will my sister ever see the light or will she be like my mother. Just go on with her ugly until dementia slows her and eventually stop her. Do people like her ever learn. I am so tired of trying to prove myself to my mother and my life and then I resent her doing the same. The showere head turned to spray me and then she throws out a trashcan I boughht that she never even touches and will not replace. Leaving a note is useless becuase I will end up being the bad person for writing the truth. Well anyway I will buy a new can, for kitchen and use remaining one for dog mess in the hall. When I get off I will scrub bathroom and mop. I hear we may be infor a storm and for some crazy reason I like storms, my because that is the way my life feels. i will be glad to be off for a few.


Rays of love light and peace to you all.

Golden, Happy for you things are warming up. Our temps have warmed, but we're still getting snow. Supposed to have the stuff for five out of the next seven days.

Sharon, I hope your company goes well. I discovered years ago that when you have company there is always someone not satisfied. Try to enjoy yourself.

Everyone have a nice evening.

dori - so glad you are getting help. I hope you can swim regularly Great exercise!

sharyn - I hope the visit does well.

smeshque - barb said it!

Looking brighter all the time here and getting warmer. Mother got her new hearing aids already and I told staff that these ones better not get lost of broken. The director says they will pay for one, but I am requesting payment for two. There has been clear negligence on their part.

At my age I wonder, but I bought two large cookware items - one large stainless steel stir fry pan to replace an old teflon one we threw out, and one hammered copper casserole/stew pot to replace another teflon one we threw out. R likes doing stir fries so he can christen that one when it arrives. I like cooking in bulk, then freezing portions if there is enough left over after a meal and lunch for him the next day.

R is rethinking Kelowna, if he gets an offer, as the climate is so much better there and it is a city people retire to. It is senior friendly! We would probably rent the house here out, as real estate sale prices are down this year. I would have to strip this place of much that is in it, but that has to happen sooner or later anyway. Exciting and tiring to think of at the same time. Flight time is about 1 hr 30 mins to E'ton so not much difference from here.

Yes, guardianship is a court proceeding that puts a person in control of the ward's life. Not a step to be taken lightly. And very expensive to pursue, does the son know that? You might have him read a bit about guardianship on here. Does he have a good lawyer? Is the girlfriend likely to fight in court for guardianship herself?

Looking for information for another if anyone knows.
So, my husbands uncle lives next door. He had this girlfriend for about 10 years, they had a very dysfunctional relationship, revolving around drugs and alcohol. I believe he is in his 60's. So they fought all the time, calling the police on each other. Last occurence, he got a restraining order on her, and she moved out. Oh the peace.
So, she moved in with a man, claiming they were getting married. She had been seeing this guy while she was living with uncle.
Uncle had a stroke, and was in the hospital. She went to hospital and got POA. What?
So she has POA.
Uncle went from hospital to rehab, supposed to be for 2 weeks. He called us one night from NH and we went to see him. He said he wanted to go home. NH said they couldn't keep him if he wanted to leave. So we brought him to our house, took care of him that night, his house needs an enormous amount of cleaning and prep for him to be able to stay there.
So the next day, ex girlfriend was at his house, as he gave her keys to feed his dogs. She was upset that he was out of NH. That morning he said he wanted to revoke her POA. She sent oodles of angry text messages to us saying she didnt want this problem and she was going to on her own relinquish POA. As she wanted to get on with her life blah blah....
So she then asked him if he wanted to go to his house and visit. We told him probably not a good idea. Next we hear, she put him back in NH. We asked him if thats what he wanted. In front of her he says one thing and then to us another, same as when he spoke to social worker.
So he is back in NH. We were going to help get his house ready for him to come home, and he was going to give us keys to do so. She told us NO she was not going to give us keys and SHE was in charge. We told her we did not care who was in charge we just wanted him to be taken care.
His son went to court got guardianship. His son is young and doesn't know about these things, as I am not sure as well.
Does gurdianship trump POA?
We really want no part in this, as they have made their beds, as they say.
But his son is seeking advice and we have pointed him towards people with answers.
I was just wondering if you all know, if guardianship trumps POA.
Thank you for reading, sorry so long.

Duck, I hope you find counseling helpful, I know I did. Many blessings your way!

My hubs’s cousin pmed me on FB. She is planning to drive from Missouri to Ft Lewis Washington and coming right by here. Of course I invite her to visit and stay the night. I hope I am not opening the door to trouble as she is not well liked by the family. Rumors are she is a drama queen and stirs up unnecessary trouble.

Thank-you Duck. That was kind of you to say. I flit around the threads. I'll be around. Sweet of you to say the things you did. :)

Ali you have such a gift of putting things in a nutshell. Black and white print clear and cut.
I am glad things are looking up. Funny, because I am learning how to keep my mouth shut and how it helps.

My mother used to say I had a big mouth. Maybe cause I said stuff that she didnt like, was I doing this even as a child when she said she despised me. Maybe I spoke what I saw. Maybe the truth hurts and maybe some people cant handle the truth which I know to be true with my mother and my sister.

So I realize my natural instincts and gifts nuances are and have been insulting and maybe even repulsive to them. did I turn them into narcissists...... no. I think both of them have no since of boundaries which causes them to think in spiteful ugly ways and conspire to cause sabatoge.

My sister or someone pulled out the sofabed last week. My thing is if you pulled out the bed then make it up properly. So after debating whether to make this my problem, I went on and sprayed the mattresss down. I put some fabric softner sheets on the mattress and layered two sheet and made it up nice, while I was cooking. My sister walke in during the process. I kept my mouth shut, I wanted to say if you pulled out the bed then you should have put a sheet on the mattress. and the pillow when she first bought them down. I said nothing. but my actions insulted her because she needs to beleive that I do nothing. she refuses counseling because she can do no wrong. The next morning the shower head was turned to wet me when I turn it on. luckily I always pull the shower curtains.
Let me mention also that the plug from my presto skillet fryer was mysteriously missing and I order another one. So I look upstairs in her space to see if she has something she needs to use that type cord for. Well I notice she has to toaster ovens and looks like a brand new deep fryer filled with oil. Then I notice no oil bottle which means she has been using mine. I get the gallons when ever on sale and they accumulated. Now I am down to three. I did notice some were open that I didnt open. So anyways I put them all in backyard and I take them up one by one. that could be why the shower head was turned. She usually does this type of stuff especially after I do a lot of good things for my mother which I contineue to do. I think she was outdone that I got a new cord, moved the oil out of her reach, and did a lovely job of fixing up my mother's bed. I was going to by her a new comforters also but I thougt I will go in her room and find one, I bought and she has gotten a lot of them overthe years and I am sure there are some descent ones up there somewhere. My sister does not know I have the key, so that revelation will bring on a retribution also.

I also wanted to mention about loving families. I had some cousins who were 12 in a family. I always wished I had more brothers and sisters and longed for that closeness and togetherness. One thing I learned from them was when there is food ready you best to go get yours or you are out. The other is that they learned and understood eachothers weakness and strenghts and accepted it. I wish I had that type of closeness and understanding. My goodness is an insult and my weakness gets abused and ridiculed.

Anyways much love to you all. It was nice to read the posts bought out from a misunderstanding. How it made us all open up and inventory our feelings about it. that is why I love you all. Its the honesty that really counts and being big enough to say I am sorry and I understand that comes to play. My home was dysfunction junction. Thank God I had a father who balanced it out. I was not a favorite but he did have good things to say about me like I was smart. I would go with him in the mornings to do grocery shopping while my mother and sister slept. same with cleaning I guess he trained me to be a fool besides calling me ugly every now and then. I am not a beauty queen but I dont have a tree growing in my face :) And aside from all of that there was so good loving moments even if they were possibly pretended, that I felt love from my mother and sister. but the bad ones certain outweigh the good ones. So I love to read togetherness, I love to hear loving stories, I loved to read that beauty between Becky and her family during their ordeal. I love seeing how that strengh and love helps us and strenthgen us even on the outside. I love seeing what I have in my heart played out. I love reading about the people who are like those I had to go outside my family to get that unconditional acceptance and who were wise to see and not say but just love. I love to see that I am doing something right with my son in my vow to give him and my grands and his wife the love and accpetance I never had and especially in a where a spirit of evilness can easily slip in and even with one second of entertainmet can reek havoc sometimes ongoning if not checked.

So I did the intake with the psych. Acutally the medical director and head psych of the program. A lot of questions and she was very very objective. I answered honestly and I will be hearing from them soon about starting. I didnt prefer man or woman just told her I need someone who is very very good to get though this hard nugget.

I love this site and all of you who are a part of this AC family. posting here has affected so many aspects of my life and who I am and my understanding.

Rays of Peace, Love and Light to you all. Good nite.

Oh Gershun, you are one of the most endearing posters. I love to read your posts about your relationship with your mother. I dont even think the previous post were about you but even so there are so many of us I am sure who love sharing those moments from you. Truthfully it gives me a chance to have a brief moment know what it feels like. I wish I had that with my mother and through you I get to see what it feels like and get to be happy that someone has and appreciates having that special gift. I love to see the happy and please please please dont leave and take that away from us. Its good to read posts that are about happiness and love. I experience that when I read your posts. It takes away the darknesss if only breifly in my own life. Yes, I longed for the loving relationships I saw as I grew up. You give an inside view of that to me. I love your wisdom and I love reading your posts it give sunshine. A break from the darkness. Plus you have given good and helpful wise feed back. I and so many more I am sure will cyber chase you down if you dare to leave here.!!!

Mally, my guess is yes he will go to jail. Thirty days I think. DUI's become a felony after three prior convictions. Colorado is very hard on DUI's too many innocent have been killed.

I'm kind of against the bicycles everywhere. In college my son was rollerblading on rollerblading path when a bicyclist who wasn't supposed to be there hit him. He was thrown into a tree head first. He was unconscious for over 9 hours.  He lost his sense of smell permanently and can only taste extremely spicy foods. He missed a lot of school and had to take summer classes. They never caught the cyclist.

I've seen men here ride around, even at night, in the electric wheel chairs. One night I saw one of them had a blinking yellow light up high in the back and had lights pointed forward. Someone either had that special made or modified it.

We have several men in our small town who drive everywhere on their riding mowers...LOL

Bicyclists cause numerous accidents and if they are adults they are charged like motorists.

Ali, BIL lives in Colorado; caused a wreck (not serious, I guess; no one really finds out from him), but this time it was a felony. Wonder if he'll go to jail?

Ali - I love what you said about looking at your part in dysfunction! That is something I will try to do more often.

Trying, that's one of the best, wisest posts -- for me and my journey -- I've ever read on here. I never considered the concept that I can take my sorrow over dys parents and turn it into motivation to have better relationships with others. I already do that, I have some friends I treasure and they seem to treasure me, too, but I never thought about it in those exact words. That's brilliant, and a way to "turn poison into medicine," which is something I hope I can sometimes do in my own life. I strive to be a truly decent person, in spite of myself. lol

There are endless ways humans experience dysfunction in our relationships, or cause it without even being conscious of it. That's my thing lately -- I'm trying to see and understand how *I* cause dysfunctional interaction. I have so much changing still -- this new thyroid medication has me feeling much better but also my brain is racing a bit all the time, I'm a little too "up" feeling... or at least more than I'm used to. The internal chatter never seems to stop these days. But I'm also so BUSY right now -- new responsibilities with job I've had 7 weeks, a few social outings (which are great), my fitness trainer in the morning is scheduled 3x a week for now, I'm getting involved more with a friend's record label and this is wonderful for me and part of longtime hobby...

So life is very full and good, but I'm almost too busy, and my internal chatter is nonstop and I'd like things to slow down just a little.   It's a nice problem to have, actually.  

How I cause dysfunction is I will say things w/o thinking them through. I said something that was true but also didn't need saying about a music acquaintance and she found out and she was hurt. It was a wake up call for me to be more thoughtful about what comes out of my mouth.

Anyway. Nice to check in on here and read back the past few days. This thread and this topic has been more than a lifeline through caregiving days, but helped me to understand how concepts about dysfunction - like detachment and boundaries - actually come into play in the real world, how they help us live the lives we want to and not stay mired down in the confusing feelings that surround dys families, or dys interactions of any kind.  

I have found that envy can be a motivating thing if you let it. I think it's a universal thing to want closeness and connection to others and family is our first experience with that, healthy or not. When I feel sad that I will never have that with my parents or siblings, it motivates me to look elsewhere for my need to connect. It reminds me how important my own children and grandchildren are. I write little letters to my grandkids who live far away. This week my grandson sent me a handmade "book" of his drawings. It was awesome.

I have two good friends that I make an effort to see on a regular basis. One of my co-workers and I have found we have a lot in common. We are going to try and meet for coffee once in a while. I look forward to growing this new friendship. Then of course there is my husband whom I adore. I also find a great deal of connection in my spiritual community.

I will always carry some sadness over the broken relationships in my family and I will likely continue to have twinges of envy when I listen to people talk about close parental or sibling relationships. Thats OK, it's human to have feelings. My life will stay in balance s long as I don't dwell and I remind myself of the many loving people I do have in my life. I will turn that envy into motivation.

Another important thing I need to remember .... my needs, happiness and fulfillment are up to me to satisfy....only me.

Gershun, I hope you post here often. I am happy for you that you had a loving supportive mother.

Thank-you all for your intelligent, thoughtful comments after my post. I think we can all live together on here, dysfunctional families or not. As Veronica said in her post, even though I had a wonderful Mom there was still tons of dysfunction in my family. My Dad died when I was very young and Mom was out of the home a lot because she had to put food on the table for a brood of seven children. I think my attachment to her stemmed from that cause I was a latchkey kid. Even with six siblings, I came home from school and was alone a lot. Then throw in a violent schizophrenic brother, there were some tough times. I was bullied at school a lot and skipped class quite a bit to get away from that but then didn't feel safe at home cause of my brother. My Mom had to rely on my older siblings to look after the young ones and they weren't really interested in doing that. So it was bleak for me a lot. Throw in a narcissistic sister who resented me for some reason I have never been able to figure out and voila, there it is in a nutshell.

I'm not telling this story to get sympathy. Just to make the point that you can have a perfect parent and still suffer from a dysfunctional family.

But, thx for the positive feedback and the interesting discussion.

I am sorry glad just reminded me, when I was growing up in CA, there was an older man. Quite an alcoholic, he had his license taken away and he would ride his horse everywhere. He was always nice to us kids, letting us pet his horse. He would sometimes be passed out and his horse I guess new the way home. His wife was a social worker, and when she was on home visits, he would go by on his horse and he would take her keys so she would be stranded. Well, she finally learned to take her keys out of the car.
Anyway, sorry nothing really important just thought of that after seeing Glads post.
May God bless you all, with all your struggles and everything that is going on in your lives.