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Last summer somewhere in the state a woman was arrested for DUI on a horse. I kid you not! Thinking about it no matter the transportation method, they could cause a danger to others whether walking or driving or riding.
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Mally, is the BIL in California? When I lived in LA area, the police would give DUI for being on a bike. That is the only place I know of that does such a thing. How goofy, honestly. Let people ride their bikes, they're not going to hurt anyone... are they? Seems like a bit of over-policing to me, but I don't know everything, maybe there is a good reason for it.
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My brother in law just got his third DUI on a bicycle.... does that make him disfunctional? (lol)
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Yes Cmag, it has been a journey. Send, I love my parents, I hate what they did to us kids. The violence, mind games and perfectionism expected. I realized as an adult, they did not plan it. My mom was the dysfunctional one with borderline personality disorder (undiagnosed). I grieved the loss of not having a loving, supportive mother.

I have realized there is some dysfunction in every family. When it is extreme it’s scaring. No family is perfect, but with normal expectations of your children, not living your life through them and love, support, the children have a better chance of a happy adult life.

I am happy for those who had good childhoods, good parental relationships and sibling relationships. While I envy it, I am not sad about it. I do have some really good memories growing up, primarily Christmas Day and our family camping trips. In reality, my love of nature is probably an outlet for my emotions because we were a real family when we were camping. For my sister, it is her attachment to the Beatles. Coping mechanisms for us. Funny when I think of it now.

I am so much happier as a result of detachment from all those painful memories, they do creep in from time to time. Especially the loss of relationships with siblings,brothers who don’t really know me.
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When I checked mom's messages last night, there were 2 messages from her sister. She lives with her son (my cousin) and his girlfriend. I guess the two "lovebirds" were physically fighting, and the last message said he'd tried to kill the girlfriend! I went no contact with these folks years ago, but my aunt sounded so panicked that I wound up calling the RCMP in their town. I didn't even know their address! But the RCMP already had them on file, surprise, surprise. I guess they'd been out there before, more than once.

Anyway, I think my cousin and his girlfriend are a pair who probably deserve each other, and my aunt has done some terrible things to my mom. But she is also elderly and entirely dependent on them for her daily care. (She has dementia, too, and COPD, and is legally blind.) The RCMP went out there and then phoned me back....I guess no one is talking. Keep it in the family. I am pretty scared there will be some retribution on my aunt for tattling to mom.

So....I've really tried to stay out of their affairs, but I found myself telling the constable that I would contact adult social services for my aunt's sake. I don't know what it will accomplish. Lord knows she can't come here. Mom wouldn't stand for it, even if I COULD look after them both (which I can't, and won't). But the constable said to give them the police file number and she would try to work together with them to do something to help my aunt.

She really belongs in a care facility. Mom used to keep tabs on how cousin was treating her, but she can't anymore. And I think cousin keeps her around for the mortgage co-sign. He's already used all her money up. (I'm actually pretty sure he got the girlfriend for the mortgage co-sign, too. It's wouldn't be the first time he's done that! And he found her right after I intervened and told him to stop pestering my mom for financial/credit help.)

I really can't stand any of them. I'm not ashamed to say it. I know my mom and I have our issues, but part of the reason I moved her up here was to get her away from them.

Just realizing today that at least I got to inform their local RCMP what my cousin's character REALLY is like. He is the king of manipulative bulls****ers, all ooze and charm when he wants to be.  Now they know for sure all is not as it seems. 
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Oh lordie....the cousin I wrote of yesterday is always nattering about how "blood is thicker than water"....usually when he's insisting that the rest of us somehow owe him "something" for his sh***y childhood.....and that something always seems to be financial assistance. Dude, you bought a brand new Corvette on CREDIT. (Also, we ALL had sh***y childhoods, in this family, including the mother who gave you one.  Give your head a shake.)

When I wrote about my best guy friend's family, and the pain it gives me to watch them....yes, it's definitely envy and longing I feel. Not bitterness or disdain.  His loving and giving personality is how we became best friends.  Sometimes I wish we had romantic feelings for each other just so I could marry into his family, lol.

What I most appreciate about reading stories and knowing people from loving families, is that I learn HOW to be different from the person I would otherwise be. It's like....all of that terrible stuff is just normal life, until you have something different to compare it to. It gives you something to strive for, it gives you options you never knew you had.

This is a good discussion!
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Like I wrote above I envy those who have or had the great mom. Many times I can enjoy the stories of all the wonderful times they had. But, there are other times that I avoid listening or reading about it. AC has given me a lot of insight and has helped me. But I had a bad experience early on with a poster who was reveling in how wonderful her life had been. It was as if this person wanted praise and compliments for everything that been given to her by her family.

I was in the throes of the all of the garbage my mother and brother had done to me and the financial mess they had created. I tuned out totally. Things turned out better later on, but right at that point I was not in a position to hear the sunshine and light of that wonderful family. For those who have the good parents enjoy them if they are living, if deceased think of them with good thoughts and the memories of all the good times.

 For me I don't have those memories and I'm stuck with thinking that there is something wrong with myself because I can't grieve for my losses. Living with my mother and her family and my brother and his dysfunctional circus have left me without that ability to grieve.

 I don't revel in the fact that they are dead, but I don't miss the dysfunctional messes they created and the enormous amount of financial mess they left for me to clean up. My brother stole $585,000.00 from my Mom. His children stole my identity and ran up thousands of dollars of credit card charges. I still don't like to open the mail for fear of what will be inside. I just finished clearing up the last bill that they ran up. I've worked when I didn't want to and it wasn't fun getting a paycheck and immediately paying it toward the fun vacations they had. But paying it was better than that creditors calling. My brother even though deceased and his family are the nightmare that keeps on giving. I certainly don't have good thoughts about what they did and the role that my mother played in what my brother did.
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There is good and bad everywhere. Because we may have had a bad experience does not mean we should avoid those who have fared better. So Gershun's Mom was sweet and loving I bet she has also had bad experiences in her life. Can those who have experienced strife in their lives find in there hearts something that did give them joy. There is much pleasure to be able to share someone else good fortune.
My French teacher in high school had a daughter of the same age, not actually a friend of mine but I knew her. The teacher had a husband who was working somewhere in the middle east I think in the oil industry and was gone for many months so wife and daughter were taking a trip to spend some time with him. daughter and probably Mom needed a new wardrobe to make the visit and keep up with everyone else.
I was invited to their house to view daughter's new acquisitions which of course was not a kindness as she knew my social situation. My mother was a live in housekeeper with one child welcome. Actually the employers were very kind to me and made sure I had experiences that would serve me well in later life, like paying for driving lessons.
By this time i had aquired a pretty strong ptotective shell from Mum being a single parent which was still shameful in the early 50s as my Dad had left when i was 10.
I was actually quite fascinated by the new wardrobe and not in the least bit jealous. Didn't like dressing up and frills anyway and still don't. Anyway after a while the French teacher realized what she was doing after all the outfits were displayed.
She apologized for showing me all this stuff when I had no chance of ever
experiencing a trip like that. I truthfully replied that I had enjoyed seeing everything and was not in the least bit envious
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There are healthy tight knit families and there are unhealthy ones who are in each others' emotional back pocket so to speak.

My close knitness with my mom was not healthy and neither was my wife's with her mom. It's been quite a journey.
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If it weren't' t for CMagnum starting this thread, I would be stuck in the "I hate my mother" mindset.
If it weren't' t for people who love their Mom's like Luckylu and Gershun talking about loving your Mom's, even in the presence of dysfunction, again, I would be stuck in the
"I hate my Mom mindset." While I hate what she did to me, I don't think I really hate her, but what she did to me and my siblings, whether from narcissism, some mental illness, or the 3 brain tumors she had in her final days. It is hard to recall the good things she did, like sewing real draperies, working to support 3 children with an absent husband, sitting up with a sick child all night, buying that special dress required for the school Miss Posture contest, taking my sister and I to ballet lessons, cooking great meals at the many family gatherings she hosted at our home. Screaming at us in the car as we went shopping so that I wanted to just run away. There you have it. Our relationship was just not "All or nothing", and I wanted her to love me.
The subject of this thread is painful and uncomfortable if one wants recovery.
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Dorianne, you're right that this thread is about dysfunctional families. I'm happy--and envious--for those families who are truly tight-knit, there are too many families that are the opposite and have suffering members. This thread has helped me a lot.
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Gershun, I envy the people who had a sweet mother. I wish I had had one. Sometimes I simply don't process the stories about nice mothers/families very well and I shut down.

Even within one's nuclear family there are different perceptions of what a parent was or is like. I adored my father. But I've found in the last few months that my youngest brother loved him, but had a very difficult time with him. I got married and moved when Jay was six. I didn't see his teenage years and the struggles he had with my dad.

All of us have different stories of our growing up.
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Gershun - I'm sorry my post made you feel like you could not post here. I was not even thinking of you at the time. I am also very sorry you lost your Mom.

We all have our stuff to deal with and although I am happy for those who have a close relationship with their parents it would be nice if I did not feel judged because I need strong boundaries around my role in the caretaking of my parents. You have never made me feel judged but my co-worker did. Again, I apologize if my post hurt you.
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No blood is thicker than water here, for sure! Though mom would often say it. She liked to pretend that we had such a loving family. But she raised us to be so very competitive with each other. I was the brain, ts1 the thespian, ts3, the baby, and just loved and admired in a very different way. I was out of the house for her high school years so really do not know much about it. At mom's service though she read probably a five page letter to mom. Seemed to take forever talking about things she and mom would do together after the older two were out of the house. Actually that was odd, now thinking about it.😍
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I think there area lot of us from "normal" families who have rubbed elbows with friends and extended family who have experienced dysfunction, this thread has really helped me understand that dynamic and made me more sympathetic to them. For sure I know I will never again tell anyone blood is thicker than water.
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What I was gonna post about earlier was that I called the RCMP on my cousin this evening, because I finally listened to mom's messages after 3 days and I was scared for mom's sister. But I'll save that for another day. It's complicated.

I am very glad none of us from my mother's side of the family had kids. This line really needs to die off with us.
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Is the moon the reason I'm still awake at 3:45 though?  Or was it that midnight snack of honey garlic pepperoni?  (Edit:  "Midnight snack."  Let's say 1 AM snack.) 
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The moon is beautiful when seen in daylight. A few days ago, I left the office after 5:30pm and it was still bright outside. As I was walking to my car, my head was leaning backward as I walked and stared at the moon. I kept saying over and over, "It's so beautiful. So beautiful." Last night at 8:30pm, as I talked to oldest brother, I looked up to the moon. I remembered thinking how it not beautiful at night. It just looks like a regular moon.
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Pardon me for changing the subject, but I cannot sleep because I forgot to eat dinner.
I forgot to eat dinner because of the full moon effect.
However, I take full responsibility for being in a dysfunctional family.
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Gershun, I grew up in a very dysfunctional family - that I thought was Normal. I met some great people who were religious and did their best to follow the Bible. I saw a life I never knew existed. So much hugging, togetherness, physical and verbal affections, etc... I saw from these people what a real loving relationship is like. I remembered being soooo envious of them. I have met other people who are Not religious and have a very close family relationship. And all the siblings pitch in to help their aging parents!

So, when I come to AgingCare and read yours and other people's stories, I am envious BUT I am also sooo glad that you did not have to experience what I went through.

Do you know, sometimes, when I'm going through depression, I can't stand reading here on the Dysfunction thread. It brings up memories that I have buried deep down inside me. And then I avoid this thread for months, not even taking a peek. I have no problem seeing you post here.
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I see your point, Sharyn. I always feel like I had it both ways - I still cry for my loving stepmother 4.5 years later, but I still have all this tension and ugliness with my biological mother, and I don't think I will cry as much for her as I have for my stepmother. (Which probably would sound really awful to some people.)

I hope I haven't been dismissive towards those with loving parents. It's possible I have been, though, and either way, for sure it's worth keeping that in mind when I post, or when I go about my daily life!
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I see it as those who have/had great relationships with their parents can’t understand how how we feel about our not having a great relationship, the abuse etc. we who have dysfunctional abusive parents can’t understand how those who had great parents feel. It’s a until you have walked in my shoes thing.
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My apologies if I've stepped out of line in my earlier comment, or if I am misunderstanding the purpose of the thread.  Mainly I wanted to post about something else (which I wound up not posting about), but I didn't want to act like I hadn't seen an issue come up.

(Edit:  also the Ron Burgundy picture was only meant to alleviate tension!) 
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Oh, positive thing. Apparently the dinner AND bedtime home support is every day! I wasn't expecting anyone tonight after the dinner visit, but a fellow came at 9, and got mom cleaned up and changed for bed. So between the dinner visit and that one, it was the first pleasant, post-dialysis evening I've experienced in many months. Mom and I just watched Moana and Nanny McPhee on Netflix, and she let me help her get to bed without any fuss.
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Gershun, I hear what you're saying, I do. And I know I'm still fairly new, but my understanding was this thread is meant for people from dysfunctional families. I would love to have a family I didn't NEED to complain about. But there's not a lot to celebrate.

My best guy friend comes from the most loving family I've ever known. It actually aches sometimes, to watch them and think about what I missed, to remember all the pain and anguish I endured instead....am enduring all over again in my caregiving experience.  I do find it hard to talk about my family and caregiving mom in general, because most people don't get it and DO think I'm some kind of a*****e. Even my best guy friend is only starting to understand, now that he's witnessing it for himself.

So I'm super grateful to have this thread to spew on.
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Well that escalated quickly.

kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/353/279/e31.jpg
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It's pretty sad on this thread............I always sympathize with those who don't or didn't have a happy relationship with their parents. Yet, I've gotten a lot of cyber rolling of the eyes, and so on when I talk about my sweet Mom and how great she was. A little sympathy instead of judgment would be nice for those of us who lost great parents too.

I'm not saying anyone on here is judging but believe it or not, those of us who lost not only our parents but our best friends take it pretty hard and to hear people say, Oh, I can't stand listening to people talk about their wonderful parents is pretty sad. We hear so much of the negative stuff. I think it would be nice if more people celebrated their parents instead of complaining all the time.

But rest assured, I don't visit this thread often and now that I know how much people hate hearing about my loving, kind, sweet Mom, I won't visit it anymore. Wouldn't want to nauseate anyone.
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I mostly hang out here. Why? The camaraderie with those that also have the dysfunctional relationships. One of the hardest things for me is when reading about sibs that will actually work together for the best interests of the folks. They can coordinate care, help each other, and still love each other while going through the most difficult times in their lives. But, I suppose it would be much easier if they could all assist in the care.😟
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Trying, I know how difficult that is. I try very hard not to listen. Sometimes though you discover the "so-called" perfect relationship is only a facade. I think sometimes people want the perfect relationship with a parent or parents and it just isn't going to happen. It took a long time, but I finally realized I was never going to have that relationship. My mother didn't want that. I moved on past that. It wasn't easy, but I got there. I was a lot happier eventually.
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