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Yes... having to care for parents who were abusive has it's own set of problems. One of the hardest parts for me is listening to others who do have close relationships with their elderly parents.

I work with a woman whose elderly Mom lives with her. She goes on and on about how close they are and how much she adores her mother. Another co-worker lost her Dad a couple years ago and tears up every time she talks about him. Apparently he was the sweetest man alive and she was his darling daughter.

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for these people but the concept of loving, supportive parents is totally alien to me. It's story book stuff and nothing like my own life. I made the mistake once of telling my co-worker, who is besties with her Mom, that I limit my caretaking to one day a week and she looked at me like I was a monster. Ugh... needless to say I keep to myself on that subject now.

On a brighter note TGIF! I am soooo glad it's Friday!
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Dori, so many feelings when we caregivers our parents while surviving our abusive childhoods. Not sleeping could be a mix of stress, burnout, and feelings from the past as well as present. Once you get respite time utilized, you may relax more and sleep better. Caregiving is not easy. My mom passed away a year and a half ago. It’s a long road and a weary one at that. (((Hugs)))!!!
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cwillie - lack of info on the internet is the Canadian way! I am eternally grateful for the renal social worker. I would have no clue about anything without her.
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Thanks for that, 50schild. I think I've done ok for my mother, not necessarily well. I do think she would have gotten better care (or at least nicer care, possibly with less screaming involved) in a care home, and I'm not too proud to admit it. Hindsight.

Another thing I'm grateful for is....if I hadn't experienced the crazy side of my mother again, I would have blamed only my father for the rest of my life, for the violence in our home.  At least now he gets some rehabilitation in my head.

I'm going to try and get a bit more sleep before the next round of crazy. Thanks all for being there at....jeez, it's 4:15 in the morning here.
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Dorianne, I wish there was a Canadian website comparable to AgingCare where we could get the kind of info available to Americans in relation to healthcare funding. BC's EOL funding seems way more than in Ontario, although I admit that despite being palliative my mom never reached that phase. I do know my brother got a lot more support than she ever did, but some of that came through the cancer society. Of course you pay more for nursing homes there. Hmm....
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Dorianne, you asked "I need to get away from her and not be her everything like she wants me to. Is that weird? Terrible?"
You are probably an empathic, loving person who merged with the life force of your mother, and are exhausted and fighting for your own life force. You may also be experiencing the full, raw, irreversible gamut of letting go. Your body is hyper mobilized, your brain is firing hard and it seems to me quite normal and ok to find oxygen, space, and take care of yourself. You've done so well for your mother, and she is in good hands. You are doing what it takes to keep your strength up, and I hope you can hold onto knowing that.
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Humiliating yourself in front of an audience is definitely not the kind of thing you ever forget.
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S***** B***** peed herself during her violin solo. In front of the whole school.

That was 44 years ago and I don't suppose she's forgotten it any more than I have. I have never in my life wailed internally more for anyone.
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Lol, CM. I survived my parents trying to kill each other with fists and china and occasional knives. I survived my mother's clinical depression. I survived both my parents' drinking years and also my mother's valium years. (I survived my mother's suicide attempt, too....who the f*** gives a depressed person VALIUM, for f***'s sake.) I survived eleven years in a non-profit job where I was told, upon being hired, that they "usually carry 'em out on a stretcher after the first year." I survived a septic kidney. I even survived the humiliation of falling off my stool the 3rd time I ever got up, with shaking legs, to play for an audience.

This almost seems like a cakewalk by comparison.

Tinnitus, though....that would be a serious barrier to pulling off a successful Joni Mitchell tribute. ;-)
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I wasn't thinking sad and pathetic so much as artillery barrage of complete, as you put it, sh1t. Visualise the poor sod in the trenches, in his gas cape and tin hat, with shells exploding and flares flashing and earth flying up all around. And he's got a little thought bubble going on: "tsk! - don't tell me that's tinnitus I've got..."
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Welp....when ya put it like that, CM, my life right now does seem kind of sad and pathetic. And I am far too obsessed with poop. I'm just effing tired of cleaning it up. I'm just effing tired, period, and yup, I'm grateful for the breaks, however meager. I'm grateful that someone else will be nagging mom to eat and take her meds from now on, and I'm grateful someone else will be dealing with her gross adult diapers twice a day. I'm grateful there's a hospital bed coming so I won't have to pick my mother up off the bedroom floor every other day, and I'm grateful to live in Canada where I don't have to pay for any of it. I'm grateful for home delivery, too. That sh** rocks.

And to be honest, a huge part of me is secretly grateful that there's an end in sight now.

At least I can blame menopause on my inability to sleep more than 3 or 4 hours at a time. Right?

In the middle of my sh***y life (no pun intended), I decided this week that I need to do a Songs of Joni Mitchell show this summer. God knows how I'm going to pull it off, but I'll be d***ed if I'm going to let my mother suck every last bit of life out of me.
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Dorianne...

You're digesting terminal news about your mother. You're fielding calls, visits and input left right and centre. You're *thrilled* that you get a whole eight hours' break a week. You're excited and delighted that you can get adult diapers delivered. Your mother, meanwhile, continues to present you with all of the historical and current issues that were already there.

But, yeah, could be the menopause...
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Me again. Anybody else around?

Well, I found out I get 2 4-hour blocks of respite, not 3-hour blocks. Yay! I changed the time so I can get the cheap rate at the swimming pool. Now it's set in stone. I will have to make myself get up and go exercise, lol. But I'm excited about going, too. I always feel better when I'm active. Plus...it's just time OUT. Social time, too, when BFF can come.

I'm kind of all over the map today, emotionally. Met with the occupational therapist and talking about getting a wheelchair and a transfer lift nearly made me cry. Not because we'll need them (the home support workers require them under occupational health and safety rules), but because of how SOON we'll probably need them. I realized that I've lost track of how fast time can go by. Saved my crying till after she left though.

Having a giant box of Depends and wipes delivered to my door from Amazon made me happy too. What a weird thing to make someone happy! But it WAS nice to sit on my bed and order them on my laptop, and have them show up 2 days later - not to have to go out and troop through the slush and snow, stand in line at the store....I do love the 21st century. Plus....holy sh** (no pun intended), Depends are way cheaper on Amazon.

Must be the menopause. I really am all over the map.

Tomorrow the area nurse is coming over in the morning, then she and the occupational therapist will work on the palliative care plan some more. But the plan started today. Still one more visit from home support this evening. (Mom was asleep at suppertime and I let her sleep....just meeting with the occupational therapist wore her out.)

I'm really sorrowful that we're at this place, because it means my mother really is dying. But I'm really happy that I'm getting more help and some break time, because I need to get away from her and not be her everything like she wants me to. Is that weird?  Terrible? 
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Sharyn - I will ask the kidney team about that, thanks. They usually can tell me right away if she can or can't have something.

Trying - I hope so too! Plus winters are hard here, sometimes even moreso. Ask golden about that, lol!

50sChild - Well anyway, now I have researched all the details about permanent residency and accessing health care in Canada, if you decide to make the great border crossing, lol!

So.....I am going to get 2 3-hour blocks of respite per week, on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon. I was hoping for weekends! Plus she's usually sleeping in the afternoons. But I'll take what I can get....and when mom gets worse and absolutely must have someone here 24/7, then it's in place. I actually think I will take the opportunity to go swimming....I've been bemoaning the fact that things have been too unpredictable to plan trips to the pool with BFF. I haven't been since June! And it's the one exercise I can do without pain from my stupid leg and hip.

Then we get the same 2 blocks of personal care and meal service for dialysis days, plus on the other days, they'll come at suppertime and at around 9:30 pm....that's the latest they go. Also now that it's free, it will free up almost $500 a month that I can maybe use to pay for some weekend respite.

Mom didn't want to get up and go to dialysis today. I kind of let her off the hook, if she promised to go Friday, and also to let home support give her a bed bath and a change this morning, plus she agreed to get up at 6 and have an Ensure shake when they come back. (We'll see if she follows through on that last one.)

I am so unbelievably relieved to be getting some extra help.  I didn't really realize HOW exhausted I am till this week when the plan started clicking into place.  Now I'm moving in slow-mo and my limbs feel like lead weights.
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Dorianne, I'm afraid I may have dreamed that so-called $5 million fact I had in my brain. I may have simply heard it from someone, right after the election, in a panic. Thank you for clarifying. I think I was just pouting that we don't have secure health and aging care here across the border.
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As lovely as Canada sounds I am so very rooted in my beautiful New England. Winters are hard but I just love this place. This is my home. I am still holding out hope that our country might find it's way to a universal health care system.
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Duck, if your mom isn’t eating, she can get an appetite stimulant from the dr. I know you have no say in the matter but maybe a call to her dr may help.

Dori, with your mom’s issues, I don’t know if she can take the stimulant. Her dr can advise you.
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Duck - Honestly? I think you're on the brink of taking your power back. Therapy is going to help a lot. One day, probably not to far off, your sis is going to do something equally dumb, call you critical for remarking on it, and instead of feeling bad, you're going to say something like, "Well, duh, of course I'm going to be critical when you don't use your common sense - where's your head at, girl?" Maybe not in those words, lol.  And you'll leave her jaw on the floor and she won't know what to say.  For days, hopefully. 

I know how you feel about your mom not eating. My mom didn't even get up today, not even for crackers. (((((hugs)))))
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Then I miss my loved ones and sometimes I get to dwelling on them and their love or dwelling on ugly memories that seem to just be a true reality for me sometimes. I am also trying to build myself up to see my girlfiend who had another stroke. Anyways love and light to all.
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Well I do need to vent a little. My mother received a check possible refund. I was wondering why it was not direct deposited. I meant to txt my nephew to make him aware then I thought of the outcome with the oustanding tax bills. So I waited to think on how to word things. When I came down yesterday he was there I asked if he got the check he says no. I tell him to ask his mother. If she doesnt have it which she should have given to him if she did then its packed up in her shopping carts bags. Then it seems like nephew just left. Why do I feel bad, why do I feel wrong. Then they pulled out the sofa bed my mother sleeps on the sofa. No sheets that matress is old. Is it wrong for me to wait before I properly fix it up with sheets and clean linen. Twisted bought down a pillow with no case. Was it wrong to wait for her to put one on for a week. Then when I do these things or say something I am being critical. I mean like whoever pulled out that sofa bed would not have slept on it like that themselves. Then to top things off my mother is not eating again. I see someone is making sandwich with sandwich bag. I dont know who is coming in or what but she is not eating again and that brings me down real down, because it scares me. Anyways this apt psych is just intake I think. I am looking forward to therapy sometimes I cant wait and I dont even know where to begin. I just feel sad. Mental illness is not an easy thing in old or young. I am glad to finally be getting some help. I got much love for you all. It helps me to feel normal. I just wish I knew how to handle this ugliness mentally and emothional. Spiritually I know if I put God first the rest is taken care of meanwhile I have difficulty letting go.
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Hi to all! Just checking in. I had trouble logging in and now I am just plain worn out from life right now. Wanted to respond to someposts.
I hope you all are well. I certainly appreciate all the feedback and understanding. Sometimes its so darn hard, sometimes to have to deal with foolish selfrighteous people who need helmets cause dang if they get what they think is a ball they just run and dont see the wall getting closer.

I extended rays of light and love and peace to you all!! Smile!! Smile!!! Smile!!! its contagious.
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(Just sent you a direct message, Becky....I'm pretty sure the immigration worker wasn't quite telling you the truth.)
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So, I was curious about Ontario and Quebec, and their policies also say you are eligible as a permanent resident....well, Quebec doesn't use the language "permanent resident" but it's still similar. It doesn't say anything about retirees anywhere in the language.

Ontario:

ontario.ca/page/apply-ohip-and-get-health-card

Also Quebec:

ramq.gouv.qc.ca/en/citizens/health-insurance/registration/Pages/eligibility.aspx

Edited to add:  all these policies talk about a 3 month wait till your health care kicks in....that's true of every province, as your old province is supposed to cover you for those 3 months.  I remember that from when I moved to Alberta.  So yeah, you'd definitely need temporary coverage for that time period, though you still can get emergency services without.  Maybe I'm missing some crucial piece of documentation that says you don't qualify anyway, but I can't see it anywhere....?

Edited again:  does your friend maybe get extended medical through her husband?  That's w0uld be our medications, dental care, and stuff.  Not everyone has extended medical, as it's through private insurers.
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Oh? That's strange. BC allows permanent residents health care. You should come here! It's prettier here anyway, lol.

Here, I just found the policy:

www2.gov.bc.ca/gov/content/health/health-drug-coverage/msp/bc-residents/eligibility-and-enrolment/are-you-eligible
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Dorianne, Because we’re retirees it was made clear about the health coverage. My friend who owns businesses in Montreal is a US citizen married to a Canadian with 3 children born in Canada. She is a permanent resident. She gets CH via her husband. It’s not an overly complicated process. We wanted to be in the Montreal or Toronto area. Both very expensive - renting or buying. We may eventually do it or settle for partial year residency.
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That makes sense, Becky....there is difference between seeking permanent residence and seeking citizenship. I know you can apply for public health coverage once you're a permanent resident though. The requirements might vary per province, but permanent residents are absolutely eligible for health care coverage here in BC, as long as they are here at least half the year and call it home. (I have a lot of "snowbird" friends, lol.) 

Vancouver is dreadfully expensive also.
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We checked last fall about moving to CA from Maine. We checked at an immigration office across the border from Ft. Kent, Maine and we had a Canadian business owner who would sponsor us thru the process.  The application fees are about $1200 for four people (2 adults;2minors). We needed about $14,000 cash for each of us to apply for permanent residence. I can't remember the amount for kids. If going to either Montreal or Toronto, housing costs are very high. If you are going as a retiree, you have to show retirement income and other assets to allow you to have adequate housing and other living expenses. You are not eligible for Canadian Health. You can purchase a rider for your US health insurance that gives you access to health care in Canadian facility. Getting permanent resident status takes about 6 months, but that status does not guarantee that you will get citizenship. It's doable, but doesn't afford you Canadian benefits. 
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When was this, 50schild? It's my understanding a single person needs to have about $13,000 to immigrate here. But they do have to bring other things to the table, like be a skilled worker or self-employed, or be a caregiver, or be sponsored by family, or begin a start up. Or come as a refugee or asylum seeker, in which case I'm pretty sure the $13,000 requirement is waived. Or are you talking about the investment immigration program?  (Edit:  I just checked - the wealth requirement for the immigrant investor program is $1.8m.)
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Canadians, I tried to get there but they don't want me, unless I have $5 million or more, or am a celebrity or have a productive company. How can we in the U.S. translate this to human worth? The Syrians are trying to do it. What is the value of human dignity and worth?
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Dori, I am glad stuff is covered on palliative care. The NH covers pretty well everything so is cheaper than the ALF was.

I like your dad's story!
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