The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I don't believe this. It is 37 degrees F ( 3 C) and I see a snow storm outside my windows -big flakes blowing around which are supposed to be rain. Crazy!!!

My dad told me a story once about how, when I was born, he met an American man who'd had a daughter at the same time (this was in '68). He said it cost him $2000 (or something like that - I don't remember but it was above a thousand), and asked my dad how much it cost him. Dad said, "$50, but that's because my wife wanted a private room." I guess the poor fellow's jaw dropped to the floor!

Oh, I just found the fact sheet for palliative coverage. Apparently any medications will now be covered, and even incontinence supplies. Darn, I just ordered a bunch of Depends and bed pads! Oh well, I'm sure we'll need more.

golden - a pole sounds like it might be just the thing mom needs! Thanks, I'll mention that to the occupational therapist. One for getting off the couch too....I've been trying to figure out what might help her with that.

The switch in dialysis makes sense, dori. Hope you accomplish your goals of getting others to "nag" mum.

At one point, they put a pole by mother's bed for her to grab on to. It helped till she got quite a bit weaker.

"Getting more help for you" is a good way to put it.

I am so thankful for Canada's system, too. Mother is well cared for in a very good facility for very reasonable amount of money that she can well afford. It is a comfort knowing that I can have the same kind of services when I need them. I feel so badly for US citizens whose options are so limited. It causes a huge amount of stress and people get burnt out.

golden - when mom switched over from peritoneal dialysis to hemodialysis, the team told me that dialysis can accelerate the rate of dementia decline. So that would explain it. Plus....yeah, she is just poorly nourished, although she's been drinking the Ensure shakes faithfully for a week now (I told her "doctor's orders"), so maybe that will start to help.

So I talked to the area nurse this morning. Going to have 2 home support visits every day, plus she is going to look for a respite block for me. Not sure what "respite" looks like yet. I updated the care plan so that the home support workers will be the ones to push mom about the important things (meals, meds, hygiene, incontinence stuff) - I'm hoping if I'm not the "nag" all the time, or at least not the only one, mom may be slightly less nasty with me. We're also going to meet Friday morning to go over anything else.

Also I have the occupational therapist coming over Thursday afternoon to discuss any needed medical or safety equipment. I don't even know what the options are, but half of mom's falls seem to be from getting in and out of bed, so that might be the place to start. She might just need a grab bar by the bed, who knows?

I've also talked to everyone I can think of about NOT using the language of palliative and end of life around mom. She is depressed and frightened enough. We're just framing it as I'm getting some more help with caregiving.

I'm so grateful to live in Canada and that all this stuff is covered. I honestly want to cry for American folks who have to deal with this stuff out of their own pockets, or deal with insurance companies that don't want to pay up. I don't know how you even cope. If I had to think about how to finance this, I would surely lose my mind. I know we're not supposed to talk about politics on here, but it's so ridiculous and WRONG to me that such a wealthy nation doesn't have universal health care. I mean, I'm not saying our system isn't flawed, but at least everyone here is entitled to care.

Have a good day, sharyn. Glad that opening where you are is easier than Cali. Have fun with the boys.

I’m off today and tomorrow with plans of emptying some boxes I haven’t unpacked yet, hee hee! The boys will be here this afternoon for a few hours so I don’t know how much I will actually get done.

Our main deli opener is leaving for another job closer to home. Our deli manager is out this week recovering from gall bladder surgery. I’m opening this week. It’s much easier to open here than in Cali.

Cold here still with a low of 14 this morning. No wind so it is tolerable, lol! It is dry too which makes my eyes feel like sandpaper. I use moisture drops but they only help for a short time.

Hoping everyone is catching a break from caregiving stresses.

That's great, ali. You did a lot today. Hope you sleep well.

Just finished a full 11 hour shift at work, my first day ever quite that long, as they were short plus busy later than usual. Also started with trainer this morning for an hour workout before that! lol I feel decent, considering.

I wasn't going to post but I saw Dori's comment about Bollywood movies and I just finished Baazigar after my Pakistani friend suggested it. It took 3 tries and a couple of months to finish it, but I'm glad I did. I love the over-acting and extreme characters of Bollywood movies, and the songs and dance acts. Also, the women are always so lovely... if limited and profiled by/through their culture.

Good night all.  Fingers crossed I sleep well tonight after all this exertion.  ;-) 

((((((dori)))))) -from soup to nuts, it seems.

I am so glad you had a good time to yourself with friends.

Wow, what a change in mum! I wonder if it is metabolic again, or a step down in Alz. To me it sounds rather like that. Mother was paranoid at one point too. It is recommended that you do not disagree with the delusions, as they just get more agitated. Yeah, you are supposed to go along with this sh*t.

Hope you soon connect with more resources. This ride is only going to get bumpier and you need all the help you can get. The point is probably coming that she can't be left alone at all, and you still need some breaks.

Interesting about the Tim Man and best guy friend! Love The Wizard of Oz. Hope your mum is enjoying it.

Ok I haven't seen this for a couple of decades.....I just noticed best guy friend has the same eyes as the Tin Man! Same eyebrows, same expressions and everything!

Well....today in the car on the way home from dialysis, mom said the phone company had kidnapped her. Then she started accusing me of being in on it. Also one of the nurses. Then when we got back here, she really started in on me about it.

*headdesk*

I guess I'm supposed to go along with this sh** but it kinda shocked me to be honest. This is the first time she's been hallucinating or delusional or whatever. I didn't know what to say except that it never happened and please stop accusing me of things that aren't true. Which of course made her worse and more accusatory.

I did talk to the social worker again today, and I missed the call from the community nurse about getting more home support....they're closed now but I'll call her back tomorrow. NEED to get that happening a.s.a.p.

Found the Wizard of Oz on TV on Demand. Hopefully that distracts mom from her paranoid fantasies....

(((((Duck))))) I'm sorry it's been like that for you with your mom. I guess the saving grace for me and mine is that she was a good person to me in between her drinking years and her illness/dementia. Now it changes every day....and the fact that her behaviour now reminds me of her alcoholic behaviour is the hardest part. I do think depression played/plays a huge role in both. At the very least....the nasty side of her makes me angry enough to balance out the pity and guilt I feel, lol!

golden - I appreciate that and I promise I'm taking care of myself. While I'm stressed, I'm not depressed or anything close to suicidal. (Or homicidal, for that matter.) I don't think I will end up putting mom in a care home - if there is a next move for her, it will be to hospice house. The renal team is on board with that being my call now. If you could see the state of her, and how badly she's gone downhill in the last month, you'd know what I mean.

I took myself away from here this evening, before mom had even gotten up. I bailed on the Indian buffet with best guy friend the last 2 Sundays, so I couldn't bail again! We both ate till it hurt....and he had to finish my 2nd helping, too! (He went to the buffet THREE TIMES, and still managed to eat the rice pudding after! I dunno where he puts it.) Then I went to BFF's after and hung out with her and her granddaughter, and also poured out all my "stuff."  I fell asleep in the recliner during granddaughter's bathtime, lol.

I had 4 hours out of the apartment this evening, and felt a lot better by the time I got back. Mom was up by then, so I got her a snack and a cup of tea, and put on Bride and Prejudice on Netflix. I love that movie! Plus it seemed appropriate after the Indian food. Mom didn't really understand that it was a modern Bollywood-esque spin on Pride and Prejudice (she might not have even understood Pride and Prejudice, to be honest), but she liked the singing and dancing and the colourful clothes. I managed to get her back to bed without any problems. So....a good day! Got to celebrate them when they happen, I think....

Dori, hang in there. I feel you frustration. I had similar issues with my mother. A person who tried to break my goodness and beat me down and control me. She did some ugly things and I always wondered in my heart how could a mother do that to her own child. Its so weird, and yet the love us ehh. Just before my mother got seriously demented she would lash out. Call her self getting ready to slap me when I didnt respond her way or something she didnt like. I grabbed her hand oneday and told her dont do it, dont do it cause it will be on you. I dont think I could ever ever hit my mother but you never know what you will due when you are in duress and stressed the F$#k out from a life time of the same old s#$t, pain and abuse and heartbreak. I read these posts and see how many of us have sufferred and the extemes in extent. and then we with the good hearts and conscious feel guiltty if we think of retaliation or anything ugly. I think that is why most of us come here not to prey but to get help and understanding and a taste of love.

We are only human. We try to do the best we can make the best decisions with scars in various stagee of healing from our loved one
Prayer has helped me in so many ways I cant express. Sometimes I have just teared at the wonder of it in work. I just got in to psalm six.

It got better for me when the ugly stopped because my mothers mind was to debilitated to follow through. then miraculously she started reacting to me almost normally and my goodness I was so desarately gracious. It was good and sad.

I had to and still do take necessary breaks for my mother. Its sad how you have to fighht someone to help them.

Book, you speak words of wisdom.

I pretend happy and joyfulness for my mother. I never noticed that she looked at me. Maybe my sad straigtht face was rejection to her. Now just try to be jovial and upbeat and glad to see her. I leave and sometimes I ask for a kiss before I go and she turns away or shut down. same asbefor and my heart still reacts the same. But sometimes she gives me her cheek and I say now kiss me too and she does and it makes my day.

Glad, Your post made me see a part of my self in a nutshell. Put all you have in loving and careing and then love ones making it difficult for you emotionally. I never even noticed what anyone else did I just did and do what needs to be done. But sometimes I get caught in looking at my sister feeling entitled to just walk past the pee in the hall and the do do and say someone needs to get this up.

Then if she does do something it my fault she had too. Because if I was doing what I was supposed to do she could lay up on her ___ like she always did.

so many petty things become so big and they shouldnt. But that anger and resentment makes it hard to just by pass intentional things.

Sometimes I feel like our dog when he used to walk past the cat she would be just waiting for him to pass to smack him up and he would be clueless and stayed that way. innocently walking into attack. then they would be sleeping together in hall in front of my mothers room. LOL

Ali I love the way you are able to put past posts mine and others in a nutshell that makes it easy to see the root. That helps so much. You hang in there. I hate to say but I am not so trustful, I do have issues but we have to be careful with whom we share and how much of our pain we share with others. I have experienced people many times not just here either, using my issues my personal pain my shared confidentials in a ways that I felt was inappropriate. So as much as I need to vent and need input I am so very hesitatnt to open up to people about my personal issues. I had a recent issue with the day nurse on my job. I never told her my issues with my family my mother dementia this caregiving thing. But I left the computer open many times and felt safe. Sometimes I would call and ask her to close my email or something. Well one day we had words and she says no wonder you have so many problems. I had not taken the time to figure out how to erase my history. Then weeks ago one of the posters here said i should make sure to close out all my things on the computer and sure enough soon after that, the comment was made. some peopple have no respect for boundariey and ethics. But I tend to go on and on. Just be careful. At the same time One of my closest friends was an older woman on the job and we were friends until she died over 20 something years.

Its so sad to see the extent of pain and abuse expressed here. sometimes I want to cry for the little girl who was me and then I little at the little ones who went through the things I read here. I see little kids and I just want to show so much love and give because I imagine the possibility of a crazy narcisssist mother and sister in the background or worse much worse.

I went through a very rought period coming to terms with finally seeing reality about how my mother and sister felt about me. But I still kept fighting to do right by my mother and my sister. it go bad. They were putting towels on the tv and uplugging the tv so I could watch throwing my stuff out or towels in dirty shed behind bathroom so many ugly things and then one day I was in doctor office and read a story from bible and it was about putting God first. It changed me. I had been catering to them so much for their love and acceptance, they were throwing crumbs and I just kept being desparate. I saw how I had been doing everything to please them when all I had to do was turn all that around and put God first. That is when things changed and then when the stress was really bad I couldnt handle it and I ws able to put it in Gods hands and boy oh boy! Things changed. They still are changeing and its still a lot of pain and trials and definitely ugly but I am learning that I have to choose what I take on or I can go crazy or slowly kill my self with highblood pressure and anxiety.

I have move to say. another book to post. I have been off for a while and I do need to catch up. I came out of one funk and went into anotthr one. I think I am okay now. Sometimes I have moments and say I have to share this with the AC family.

For as long as I can remember I have always bought my mother flowers and plants mothers day easter christrmas . I then plant these in the front or back yard.
Years ago and I mean years... I put an old umbrella plant in the back yard and repotted it and left it there. It flourished but when it got cold I was bringing it in and my mother was like "dont bring it in here and dont take it upstairs." The pot was heavy so I bought it in and left it in the kitchen knowing how she felt. Well my mother systematically brokwe the branches until it was almost nothing at first I didnt notice then it would look like something crasehed down on one side.

Anyways its funny and not funny but today I am taking out the trash and notice the hydranya plant I put in yard was getting budds. I look at the progress reularlyu. so today I see one of the buds broken off. first thing I see and then I look at plant and see the parts of the the plant have been broken. No one does gardening or cares about the plants and flowere or buy them but me and my mother.

and the one that I planted in another pot was pulled up. It hurt to see, and to think that someone would intentional do that. but this is the type of spirit I have been I grew up with. Its like sister is now running with the torch. I did mention that someone had dragged a old dried xmas tree into yard. During process of dragging it out I swept the yard clear of these thorn balls from tree and its like millions of them. seems like anyway. So after my sister dragged it back in for the 2nd time and all the dried branches plus new balls, I jiust left saying it will stay until she cleans it. So she must have paid someone to come and sweep yard because it is clean and neat. Whoever it was and i think it was my cousin who still has not returrned my casserole bowl took garbaghe out and left one of the cans in the yard. I bought and try to keep all the cans clean. Now I have to clean up behind my mother who didnt care about bags in the can or cleaning them but she took out her own trash. Now I do it. So I had just cleaned these cans now its lined with crap again. I just left it outside. I feel like whoever put it out should bring it back then I will get pissed off if its thrown away. That is part of the sum of my crazy.

These things I pray and pray and pray that I will get some way to cope and deal with when I start therapy.

Tomago, can you get away? Or send her away?

((((((dori))))) it's not a matter of giving up - It is a matter of making the best choices for all concerned. What you experienced in childhood is abuse --emotional abuse. Neglect is a form of abuse, and I suspect there was more. At the very least, your emotional needs were not met. Your mother needs care, but you do not have to do it hands on. Please look after yourself. You are experiencing a lot of stress and, yes, it can come out in health issues. Book was seriously suicidal when she came to AC. She even had figured out her method.

book - I think your health has suffered from the years of stress, but you are a very strong woman for sure.

cm - I kinda think so too

glad -I am wondering how it will be for me. First of all, I think, probably great relief. Yes, their time comes. I think mother's is overdue. The train missed the station.

cw (((((hugs)))) you made the right decision.

Ali - hope the exercise helps. You may be able to do more once your thyroid meds are fully effective. Don't underestimate the stress of the years of caregiving,

trying -Hi so glad to see you back! Getting better. It never occurred to me to hit mother. I was more flight than fight, other than occasionally verbally. I sure understand needing a week to decompress. Hope work eases up.

sharyn - I, too, am so glad the cycle is over for you. Threats are part of the dysfunction.

tomago - calling the police occurred to me to when I read your post. It would be good for them to have something on file. The other suggestions are great also. I am sorry you are going through this.

cmag - emotions can run very high and I suspect they are still there.

Finally feeling like a human being. Got some laundry done and chicken bits on for bone broth. What a relief to not have that pain. I hope it is on its way out for this session.

Take care all

Tomago, when my mom started with threatening behavior I called the police to let them know there was someone with dementia living at our address. In case of emergency they would still respond, but at least would have had an idea of what may have been going on. I imagine you could even take a letter from her doc to the police so they have it on file with your address.

Tomago, yes, contact the agency on aging in your county. You could talk with a social worker. Or talk with an elder law attorney. The issue is if you can get home health aides to assist your mother. I hope you are not living in the same home together. If you have your own home/ apt., then aides can deal with your mother while you oversee her care. Little contact with mom and always another adult present to be a witness.

Tomago - I would call elder services and tell them what is happening.

Back to school tomorrow. I dread the long hours but it was a nice break. Hoping to find time to post on a regular basis again.

I shared my wife's experience with a former policeman. His response was that he had known people whose rage led them to kill or harm the nearest person to them because the anger had blinded them from seeing who they were. I think that is an extreme reaction to a flashback, but I could see where it could happen. That's why I got my wife some help when she was getting in touch with all of that anger which somehow she buried for her abuser's funeral. That was codependent enmeshment, a survival technique that she had used for years and thus got into the Stockholm syndrome of loving her abuser.

SharynMMarie...same situation here, except mom is hitting me, than saying I'm doing it. I'm 57 y/o son, she's 85. I'd lose big time if she called police. Don't know what to do.

Dori, lol! Reminds me of the idea of putting gang members on an island with all the arms and ammo they need to eliminate each other and as more are arrested they go to the island until all gangs are gone! I wish it would work.

Ali, what a shame our parents can push us to such extremes. I know I wanted to slap my mom a few times but I knew it would do no good because she was the type who would have slapped back and called the police claiming elder abuse. She was threatening to do so re other issues but she knew she could not prove it, because there was none. More like her being abusive to my sis and me. No recourse for us either. Such a cycle, so glad it is over.

CM - the doctor only agreed to the palliative designation on Friday. Once that goes through I can start getting some more help, which I can organize with the social worker. Oh, I do have the occupational therapist coming Tuesday, to at least start working on some more safety/medical equipment.

Ali - you're a better man than me if you can still talk to someone who committed child sexual abuse. That's one of my few unforgivables in this world, of any human being.  One of the few non-liberal views I hold is that people who sexually abuse children should be consigned to a desert island with nothing more than a loin cloth and a spear.  (((((hugs))))) I think I may have already said some things I will regret down the road. But who's to know what is to come.

Hi Golden! It's good to be here. Hope your sinuses feel better soon.

Ali and Book- Thank you for your words. Dad has expected people to wait on him his whole life. He is a nice man but pampered beyond belief. His mother and my Mom both catered to him. My Mom was seething and resentful inside, 24/7, and she was viscous to Dad but she still waited on him. I do lots of little affectionate things for Dad but I draw the line at bodily excretions. He is able to deal with his own drippy nose :)

CMag - I can see why they recommend against the abused caring for their elder abuser. I am with Dori on this, I would never hurt my parents, it's just not my go to reaction but if I don't limit my exposure to them I know I will suffer mental and physical problems. Just one shift a week and it often takes me the whole next day to decompress. I become jumpy and fearful. After a really bad visit I have panic attacks. It's mostly Mom who triggers me but in a way Dad does too. I will never be their primary caregiver. Sis is using their money to pay for in home care so they are well cared for. They have enough funds to cover about two more years. Sis is hiring at low wages under the table which I am not happy about but she is conservator and will not listen to my concerns over this. Anyway when the money runs out they will go into a nursing home.

All respect to your co-workers, Ali, but no it doesn't!

I'm not sure it's easy to differentiate continuously high stress levels for other reasons and PTSD.

I am sure the exercise will help. Even if not with the sleep, how can it not be a good thing?

I also read encouraging things about Imagery Rehearsal Therapy. Next time you're speaking to a qualified practitioner, hem-hem, maybe discuss your sleep patterns and ask about that?

CM, does talking to my coworkers count as "talking to someone about it?" :-) I'm pretty lucky to have one lady I work with who is actively in therapy for some issues. Coworker has asked me if I have interest in going to some group meetings for codependency (hers, not mine) and I absolutely would go, to keep trying to process everything. I vent on here and talk to coworkers. I don't think the sleep issue is PTSD related. I think it is related to too much stress for too long, aka a stress disorder, though. And I'm not an expert on the nuanced differences between the two, but the stress disorder is just a chronic thing for me now that flares up in different ways. I'd take an SSRI to help but they all seem to cause reactions for me now, I seem to be allergic to all of them. Thanks for the comment. I know I need to take care of myself. I start with an exercise routine on Monday. Every doctor ever has always said that exercise would help with the anxiety and I finally realized I needed a professional to help me get a plan together, and we start tomorrow. I think it will help a lot.

((Hugs)), Glad. I used to talk to my grandma after she passed and take comfort in feeling like she was ok with how everything went down. You grieve how you grieve. But... I was aware that I probably wouldn't grieve my father's death nearly 20 years ago. This is not a new thought for me. And the caregiving years just got me so much closer to a man that I should've kept a nice, safe distance from but I wasn't wise enough to know that then. My dad's not evil but he does cause me a great deal of chaos inside. How could I grieve his death...? It will be a relief for me, I'm afraid to think so, but probably. I grieved a great deal for my rescue mix I had to give back after 6 months because she wouldn't stop nipping at my dad. I just know they put her to sleep because she couldn't be rehabilitated and I feel so sad about that. I miss the dog I had for 6 months, so I can only imagine your heartache over Macy's death.

CW, thanks for sharing that. I know we never mean to do these things and we're only human. When you're taking care of someone all the time, day in and day out, no breaks, just you and them, and they cannot take care of themselves, and they are demanding, and there is no joy in it... It's just so very draining and so very stressful at times.

Dori, when time comes for you to hand off your mom's care to others, I think you'll know. Don't run yourself too much into the ground or you may do something you regret... but it won't be a huge thing, just maybe something you'll have some regrets about, but you're only human... and then you'll know: it's time for someone else to do the care. Make sense? You're doing what you can, your good effort is good enough, hang in there and keep sharing/venting. You can't predict what is coming down the road, I don't think, just have to keep stepping.

I'm not from an abusive family but I too reached moments when I felt backed into a corner and lashed out in anger with the combination of mental and physical exhaustion, I am ashamed that once I transferred mom so roughly that I tore the skin on her arm. That was a major part of the reason I put her in the nursing home, it's not perfect there but is better for both of us.

Book and Ali, not having the big cry, sadness that goes with losing a parent is not grief? I am not sure at all now to express it. I guess, grief is different for everyone just as once you have met someone with Alzheimer's you have met someone with Alzheimer's. I have not grieved my mom or L, really, or J, but I sure did Macy. How bizarre.

I put everything I had into mom and L. Other family members that made it so darn difficult for me financially and especially emotionally, especially emotionally. Oh did I say that already? I was all emoted out, still am over those very stressful four years. There is absolutely nothing left to feel. In that way I guess I can safely diagnose myself as not being codependent.

I am astonished whenever I read on here that someone has lost a loved one and is now in a state of what seems like constant grief sometimes for years. I don't understand that at all and for brief moments wonder what is wrong with me. I tell myself that my grief (or lack there of) is mine and mine alone, theirs is theirs. I can't change it, neither can they, or they would wouldn't they? Maybe not, maybe that is the only way for them.

So often when our loved ones pass, they have become so very sick. It was time for them to be released from their life and this world. The illness is not only completely debilitating for them but stressful, sad and nearly impossible for those that love them.

Sometimes it is just time and I am happy that mom and L are gone. Sometimes I talk to mom and wonder if she is looking down on me and proud of how I have moved on from caregiving. I think she does and I like to think so.

Um, Ali, I'd associate that experience of waking during sleep with PTSD. Quite florid PTSD, that is, rather than the predictable post-caregiving background sort that gradually wears off or simmers down over time. Are you talking to anyone about it?

I hit my dad once about 4-5 years into caregiving. I was scared after that. I knew I couldn't continue as caregiver if I was going to hit him. He is terrible to deal with much of the time, for sure, but I was not kidding around, I wanted to hurt him, punched him right in the face. :-(

Thankfully, my dad had a Senior Home Companion who saw the bruise, my dad tattled on me, and it was a chance to talk about it and realize that the Sr Home Companion had sympathy for me, my dad wasn't mad at me for hitting him, he was his same horrible, ornery self for the most part... though obviously I was in the wrong, and I knew it. I made a plan how to escape if the situation came up again. See, I had to downsize from the old larger SUV vehicle to a little coupe, and that was the car I took my dad to appointments in. If we started arguing, there was no place to get away from him. Looking back, the 2 bad fights we had were on days of his surgeries because I got no sleep, he would never comply with pre op instructions, and I was a grouch monster and in no mood for any attitude from him. I decided that if the situation ever came up again, I would pull the car over, stop and get out until I could walk it off. If it took all day, I didn't care. I couldn't stand that my dad would push my buttons, that I would allow that, and then I felt so disgusted with myself.

It's no joke, caregiving to parents/family of longtime dysfunctional situations. Lawd, there was a time when I hated my father so much. I couldn't stand to be in same house with him, smell his stink, hear him putzing around, smelling up the house because he refused to change Depends regularly enough, or shower, or let me wash his clothes and sheets. I don't know how I didn't just murder him, having to live that way and being sick and run down myself all the time.

ANYWAY! I am out of there, things are much better, but... caregiving took me down a very dark road. I don't think I'll ever contemplate where to hide a body ever again. I knew as long as I didn't make the actual plan to kill him or myself, then I wasn't going to do it. But fantasizing about him being gone... that was a regular thought.

Book, I cannot imagine that I will cry for my father's death. I just can't see it happening. I did grieve for the father-daughter relationship I'll never have many years ago, when I was college age and in my mid twenties. Then I just went through so much grief, anger, resentment, illness during caregiving that I sometimes think that I won't even attend any funeral services for him. It's enough, already, a lifetime of him hurting me. It may never have been his intention to do this, but that doesn't change that it did happen. I'm tired of being the bigger person that protects him, does all the right things, while he does nothing. I DON'T CARE IF HE'S SPECIAL NEEDS. He's also unkind, ungrateful, and sexually abusive of me, so... What a mess he makes of my feelings. All my self esteem goes out the window when I interact with him. Hard to explain. I almost feel physically ill to talk to him or even see him now at holidays.

At present time, I'm struggling with how best to have any relationship with him going forward. It would be "good of me" if I would call him 1x a month, to check on him and interact with him on a basic level. It wouldn't take that much for me to do that. I also dread it and don't want to do it. But. Time for me to grow up. The worst is over. Even though I'll never get past my instinctive recoil from him, I can go through the motions on a 5 minute phone call once a month, just so that my conscience remains clean in all of this.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I don't think so, but I do wonder what it would be like to have mostly loving parents. I get it everyone is flawed and "it could be worse." I know some others here will never know loving relationships with one or both of your parents, too.

Ayyy. What a topic. It's 4:30am. I was feeling very bad yesterday, got in bed early and was in and out of bad sleep for a few hours. I think high cortisol remains an issue for me, based on bad sleep problems that come and go. I decided that I had to start an exercise regimen as a first step to fixing some health/stress issues, so I hired a trainer. She/we start on Monday. I'm hoping getting back into an exercise routine will be enough to get some improvement in sleep and some other issues. If not, I'll beg my new doc for sleep study in 3 months at my follow up. I just need to sleep. Every night. And not wake up because I can't breathe/choke. Not wake up, jerk awake because, I'm guessing, cortisol is too high and I can't relax into a deep sleep. Nightmares. Sweats. I think the sweat is just because it's TOO HOT in my apartment because it's freezing temps outside and I have non-adjustable radiant heat. I cracked window tonight and it does help, just need to remember to do it more often.

But hey! I like my new mattress! Mostly, I like it! :-D Gallows humor is keeping me laughing... ;-)

Thanks for letting me vent, dump all of that here. I'm doing ok. I AM DOING FINE. There are a couple of things that still flare up and really knock me down for a day or two. This sleep issue is probably the worst. It's so unsettling to have nightmares and not sleep, fall asleep and wake up again and again and again.