notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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I think it's really about boundaries, and setting yours at "No, we are not going to talk to our kids about their decisions re contacting you," Then add another boundary which is "And we are not discussing it any more." End of story.
Change the subject or find a reason to leave the room or , if you want to, stay there and let her run her gamut of unpleasantness and don't respond to any of it. You don't need to placate or please her. Work on detaching.
I have watched mother work herself up into a rage while i stayed cool and said nothing. She didn't need a response to work herself up. Then afterwards I needed space to deal with my feelings as I was not totally detached. Her rages still affected me. I detached more and more as time went on so when she was near the end and said nasty things, it bothered me much less - as if a stranger had said it.
If your feel up to it, commiserate with her "Yes we understand that you would like to talk to them more often but we are not getting involved."
You don't have to explain any further, or justify your decision or discuss it any more or even listen to her discuss it further. It seems dh has trouble saying "No" to his mother. Let him practice it before you go there. Tell her you are not discussing it any more and stick to that. Don't let her bait you with guilt trips or frailty or "I'm getting old and I should be able to see my grandchildren" or whatever. Mother called me rude when I wouldn't go along with plans which were very hurtful to me. I simply left the room without a word, and later that day when she was out I packed up and went to a hotel. and never stayed with her again. I stayed in a hotel on future visits so I had an escape.
You know how she will respond. Plan a way out that does not include further discussion of that subject. "BTW I like your new haircut." "Isn't the weather great" "We're tired, we must lie down for a nap." "I'm going for a walk now."
Set your boundaries before you go there. Plan your responses to her. Know she isn't going to like it when you don't play her game. That's on her. It's OK if she doesn't like it. That's not for you or dh to fix.
There's no need to put up with behaviour from her that you wouldn't put up with fro anyone else.
I can’t tell her why they don’t visit . It’s not my place and no one else wants to tell her why . I don’t blame them , there is no reasoning with her . She has always twisted things around . It also would just be the Pandora’s box that MIL wants open . This is why she keeps trying to wear DH down . She wants to talk to the kids in person . She hasn’t gotten the opportunity to interrogate them or state her demands to them in a few years . Everyone just tells her the kids are busy . I’m the only one that has told her that I don’t tell my kids what to do when she gets on my case about doing something about it .
Grey rock we’ve tried , it works sometimes very briefly and change the subject. But she will often revisit that topic multiple times in our visit . I would never suggest she call my kids ( to give them grief) . I would never tell her why they don’t visit because she would call them and give them grief . The kids call her a few times a year and have a brief conversation . They say she gives a guilt trip about visiting. MIL has a history of wanting to be too involved when the kids were young and wanting too much of a say in their lives . We had to go no contact for awhile when they were young to get the message across .
I think I may say to her that my kids make their own decisions of how to live their lives and she should not be so concerned.
And that what she really should be focused on is the fact that she ignores her decline and the need to make plans for it .
Back on out of MIL's drama. Away from that corner she is trying to push you into - being her Rescuer.
Idea 1. Neutral/Grey Rock-like
Are they 'kids'?
No. So correct her. Again.
Well, as you know MIL, they are ADULTS now. They are in charge of their own lives. *then silence*
Idea 2. Twist it
Reinforce how POSITIVE her idea to get in touch with the Grandkids is!!. But TWIST the idea.. what a GREAT idea! Yes you should call them! Do a video call.. or txt, they use that more (if they do). Do you have their phone numbers?
And if it's meltdown, just repeat repeat repeat. If it's gobble gobble gobble, start with 'Please be quiet'. Finishing with 'Goodbye' if three repeats don't work.
What words of wisdom do I hit MIL with when we visit and she starts in about the kids ??
I need a better way to say “ shut up “ without actually saying it . I’m fed up .
Ive already told her they are adults and I don’t tell them what to do .
But she has very definate ideas about “ family” ( obligations ).
And she believes DH and I ( as their parents ) should be calling out the kids on this .
Way's MIL has a phone right?
Could CALL the Grands herself.. but no.
Why do the work yourself when you can send out a *flying monkey*?
Why risk the embarressment of calling a Grandchild & risk them being busy & being brushed off? Not when you can sit at home using FOG to guilt your Son to do it for you. So HE is the annoying one calling & getting the brush off.
Manipulation & triangulation.
I know DH has to not get sucked in .
My MIL brags about her “ people skills “.
We get the side her friends don’t see .
The passive aggressive manipulative comments . The pleasant tone she uses is supposed to get her what she thinks she is entitled to. But we have always been wrong in her eyes for not doing things her way .
And DH is having a hard time standing up to her because she is so frail looking now . She’s got him thinking the kids should visit because she’s old and she wants to see them . She has no one else to blame but herself for her grandkids not wanting to visit .
She is all hyper focused on great grands , so she can keep up with her friends.
You and dh have needs too that can and often should come first. Keep up supporting him in the right direction!!!
nacy, that's good. Do what you decide you can/want to do. Let the rest go. It's not your responsibility. Your bro has POA. It's his responsibility.
I can’t deal with entitlement . She is demanding to see my children . I will not ask my adult children to come along with us to visit my MIL so she can interrogate, criticize and lecture them about their lives . They have both had it with her. I’m sure they would not come ..
I have good kids . But my MIL believes she is entitled to know all their business and why they haven’t given her great grandchildren .
She WANTS a visit so she can harp on the things she WANTS from them .
I’m Having to reinforce to DH ……..
Needs vs his mother’s Wants .
gershun - I have totally cut contact with my sis. She is just too toxic. If she needs help she has a husband and an adult child and a cousin or two. It won't be me helping her. As I get older I have to look out for me more and more. Taking care of self takes more time and energy than it did. Not to speak of R and all his "happenings." Sis sees me as someone to do stuff for her. As did mother. Uh, uh! No, not me. I'm done with the Cinderella role, the scapegoat role and a few others. You don't have to look after any of them. You did more than enough looking after your mum. Your first priority is to you and your hub. That should be enough! ((((hugs)))) re Hendrick.
Beatty - it's good when we look at our families with fresh eyes to see what is, not what we want, or what we thought we had.
Hasn't visited.. doesn't call.. there was a txt or 2.. but any I send seem to get a reply that could be AI.
What do I *see*?
Yeah, still watching, waiting and wondering how my kitty is
doing. He keeps fighting.
I'll keep fighting for him as long as necessary.
our family dynamics are. You really see your siblings etc. for who they are.
I doubt my family will ever come together as a unit ever. No doubt it will take one of us getting ill for us to try to bond again.
I find I need to emotionally isolate from my family in order to maintain my sense of self. I do love them and pray for them and if they ever needed me I would be there but I can't allow myself to be vulnerable around them.
There are plenty of things in the news you could talk to Mom about or you could watch a movie together and just talk about the movie .
Stay clear of family conversations
IF you choose to keep going over to Moms’s just try to treat her like a homecare client. Don’t talk about family .
I resorted to that , it helped sometimes .
Also you shouldn’t have to clean the house , tell your brother to hire a house cleaner to come once a week . Why should you do it ? your siblings aren’t cleaning .
I’m so sorry . I wish you peace .
((((Hugs))))
The word of the day is……
ENTITLED .
They both think/thought that if they say somethlng in a sweet but slightly forceful tone they will get their way . And if not , we are squashing their independence .
Newsflash …… I am not the “ independence fairy “.
I have a feeling I will be coming back to this thread to whine .
I get it .
Based on the phone call we got today…. Apparently it’s our fault that my MIL has a blood clot in her leg and can’t fly .
Not to mention she also is in stage 4 CLL , she barely walks refuses to use a walker , and is wasting away , skinny .
We told her we are not rescuing her from any travels , especially without POA which she refuses to draw up .
You never allow anyone to manipulate you into submission to anything for any reason.
How hard did your mother work herself to provide perfection for herself and her family?
I always say, you get what you give in this life. No one can expect from others what they never expected from themselves.
Maybe your mother would benefit from some tough love. It sure sounds like she would.
She doesn't like waiting and gets rude and nasty if her demands are not instantly met?
Too bad. Make her wait even longer and your good time doing something.
Her life traumas aren't your fault. You didn't cause her problems and you don't have to be her solution.
Give her and yourself a choice here.
Either she learns how to be respectful and grateful to you for everything you do for her, or she gets put away in a nursing home and you never look back.
Do not tolerate her verbal abuse and manipulation for one more day. Do not play her games anymore either. From what you say here, she will have to learn the hard way that verbal abuse and manipulation will not give her more control or get her more attention. It will get her ignored and neglected. A little ignoring and neglect will likely be just what she needs to learn this lesson.
Stop catering to her. She lives in your house and you take care of her. So it's going to be on YOUR terms, not hers.