The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

HB we do understand. Remember that slavery is outlawed and you can call screen...

Cmagnum,, I just saw your post, and my thoughts and prayers are with you all. Get your rest, and look forward to a more peaceful time ahead.

Mom, 79 years old, has untreated ADHD and a lifetime filled with terrible financial decisions. She may lose her house soon due to this. Anyway, she has a lot of training in a particular field to do with the nonprofit world and I have some myself. Not too long ago she got a job offer for something fairly demanding, and called me with a job sharing proposition. This sounded like a win/win to me b/c both of us could use a little income, and my being on the scene would mean that I'd be around to ensure the employer wouldn't be taking advantage of her enthusiasm for the cause to make her work too many hours (she *is* 79 years old but she's like the Energizer bunny when it's something she cares about... she's also a night owl and I don't want her alone in an office in a bad part of town at midnight.  This is part of why she's in such poor financial shape - too much volunteering when she should have been charging for her services, she has a law degree. Long story.)

It turned out the employer wanted her but not me, so she 'threw me under the bus' and decided to take the job herself for only a little less money than the two of us were going to make together. Just now she called to tell me all about it, which I know from experience is the front end of her deciding to call me EVERY day to vent about the job and to try to talk me into volunteering without pay.

I tell you. I'm an only child (not really but my half sib is mentally ill and unavailable to help). Dealing with this crap and that of another aunt who lives nearby is driving me crazy. Sure wish I had taken my own advice and moved 1000 miles away years ago (spouse kept telling me it wouldn't do any good and she'd just have followed me, which may have been true, but I am so tired of her unreasonable behavior and expectations - not long ago she told me *I* was being unreasonable for considering who was going to provide her care once she's really infirm and can't drive, and there's no money for assisted living.  The health care elves, I suppose.)

Thank you all for reading. Really helps to have somewhere to go where others understand.💗

My FIL's memorial went smoothly and was really nice. It was a rough day for us, as such things are, and the cold weather got my cold raring up again. Now we go into the next phase, a bit early for some of us as it's all so recent. But regardless, we start on the practical estate matters. This is the point where family issues come up - hoping for the best but keeping the force field up just in case.

We've found boxes of old photos, many wonderful treasures. I'm putting them all in a big box and storing them. In time, I'll scan some of them for the kids, but not now. I was touched to see that our kids would like Gma's china sets - who would think youngsters who love contemporary would treasure china? I usually think I can power thru anything - the family Everready bunny. This, however, has left me physically exhausted and emotionally spent. And not quite sure I can find the wherewithal to deal with this next phase. I sure don't have the oomph for drama. Gotta love families.

Just popping in quickly....I am exhausted....

It's not a UTI. So they sent mom from the ER up to the renal unit for her regular dialysis, but she is also dehydrated and they will give her some IV fluids, and some antibiotics "just in case." The nephrologist explained to me that it's most likely "metabolic derangement," which is caused by a combination of her kidneys not working, dialysis, and poor nutrition. Emphasis on the poor nutrition.

Mom has a really strong will to live - maybe I can use this to make her eat even a little better. Or at least drink her Ensure.

I think I need some respite care or something.....the renal social worker is supposed to phone me back when she's out of her workshop or wherever she was.

I'm gonna grab a quick nap before I go pick mom up.

The driving is tiring. I am where everyone else is and resting.

You know I keep thinking about those hearing aids Golden, probably because I've been forced to abandon my mother's. I don't get what the NA's could be doing to completely lose or destroy a hearing aid, I can see poor maintenance or breaking the door or something else that could be repaired, but to have totally destroyed it to the point it is irreparable just doesn't make sense.

Cmag, hopefully you and your wife can rest before the service. Driving back and forth must take a toll on you. Take care of yourself too.

Dori, you have your hands full today. I understand about the gagging, I have problems with it too. I hope your can wait for tomorrow.

Smeshque, witting is not always easy. My problem is I enjoy having a cigarette. I have to get my mind set on quitting, make a plan, pick a day to start. Easier said than done.

Golden, I am feeling better thanks. I still have some sinus issues hanging on but less than last week.

We have a cold front with wind, wind chill temp is 12. Tomorrow is supposed to be the worst of it. I’m staying in as much as possible, lol!

Thx sharyn. I have to investigate. They have more than one unhappy customer, I gather, over lost and broken hearing aids. I expect others are checking it out too.

Hope you are feeling better. I still have a bit of a lingering sore throat and sinus stuff, and now my gut is upset. I suspect it is a revisit by a virus.

Golden, when my hubs grandmother was in a nh  for Alzheimer’s, she had on a couple rings that could not be removed because of arthritis in her knuckles. After a year there, my mil noticed one day one ring was gone. The employee used jewelers cutters to cut it off her finger. Mil had a local jeweler come and cut off off the other ring and the nh had to pay through their insurance for the value of the ring. It wasn’t costume jewelry. My thoughts are the facility your mom is in should cover the cost, they must have insurance.

cwillie - Thank you. I agree. R said much the same about them admitting negligence so they should cover the cost. It does make people sit up and take notice. The problem seems to be that the HCAs were involved in the past, which is not the case now, nor will be in future. That is the change that is happening. We need to arrange a teleconference when the community worker is back, and R is available, as he deals with these things much better than I do. I was at a disadvantage this morning as the call woke me up from the depths of sleep.

Golden, I think you should speak to the administrator about the hearing aids, if that protocol was supposed to be in place already but wasn't followed then there is no guarantee that it will be followed in the future unless pressure is put on staff from above. IMO since they have admitted negligence they should foot the bill for the loss, there is nothing like the threat of money out of someone's pocket to make them sit up and take notice.

cmag -glad things are working out re funeral and house closing. Take care - it is a stressful time.

oh dori - what a mess, poor mum and poor you. Sounds like mum needs to be tested for a UTI asap and treated if necessary. Feeling bad because you have misread a situation is one of the trials of being a caregiver. Just move forward the best you can.

smeshque - you are welcome. Just share your stuff, whatever it is. It helps. Many of us are concerned about food intake. Good for you for cutting back on smoking, and not smoking around your mum. I used to drink some diet soda, but have cut back to very little. It's all chemicals and can't be doing me any good, Changes are hard. I allow myself plain dark chocolate every day - a couple of squares with coffee after meals. I don't eat a whole bar but I don't like being without my squares! I cut out smoking (many, many, many, years ago) by not having any handy and by cutting down to the only ones that really mattered - about five a day. The rest were just habit. Then I decided I could live without the five, but never said I would never have another one. It worked for me. I won't be relocating for a few years now that R has a job here. Sigh, but we are very glad he is working again,

Well, I was woken up (finally getting some sleep) by a phone call from mother's nh. It was a nurse regarding the missing and broken hearing aids. She explained what has been happening, not just to mother, but to others too, which is that the health care aides (HCA) have been removing the hearing aids at night and putting them where they are supposed to be stored overnight, but in this process hearing aids have been dropped, broken and lost. She apologized profusely and said she had been away on vacation. My question, now that I have woken up, is where were the other nurses? The protocol now is that the HCAs are not to have anything to do with hearing aids. The nurses are to insert them in the morning and take them out at night and store them, and they are to be signed in and signed out, which has been the case all along. Thankfully this one nurse has taken it upon herself to investigate, and make changes. The community worker, who is the liaison with family, is away till the end of Feb. She will issue a memo to confirm the changes the nurse is making. I will be calling her once she returns to register to my concerns and to find out if they have insurance to cover this. I will order mother a new set of hearing aids now that I know what is happening. The nurse said that they have been using the broken one, but it finally fell apart and when they showed mother she cried. I was so glad to speak with someone who knew what was going on. Anyone else I have spoken too was like a wet noodle and I couldn't get any sense out of them. So frustrating!!!! But I am glad to have some answers. I have been reviewing my process, and wondering if I could have done anything better, I guess kicking up more of a stink might have brought some results sooner, and perhaps I will do that if anything else happens. Feeling badly for mother, but glad we seem to have a solution.

Have a good day everyone.

Excellent CMagnum! And thank you so much for updating me and everyone here.
Traveling mercies!

Send,

From what I saw Friday a week ago, I did not expect her to get better. I should have done laundry earlier, but I didn't feel like it. I was completely out of clean clothes. I've gotten some sleep.

After I contact the four paws pet hotel after 7:30 this morning and get these cats a place to stay, I will take them over there. The newer cat is going to be harder to deal with than the other one.

Then, I have appointments to reschedule, the car to pack with my clothes and my wife's clothes. I also have my diet food to eat every 2 to 3 hours. On my way out, I will pick up our diet food for this week. Tonight will be the second week of our weight loss class that we will have missed. Also, I am not going to rush in my driving up there. If I need some coffee, I will get some.

CMagnum,
So sorry for your family's loss. It was just 9 hours ago you were talking about Mil deciding she would rather die, then, 7 hrs. ago she had died.

Maybe I was confused, but that is a whole lot for you yourself to go through, then laundry late at night when you need sleep, then driving....

Hope you can sleep peacefully by now. Again, sorry for your loss.

CMag, my condolences to you, your wife and your extended family. Hopefully, now your family can have some peace.

Good evening everyone. I hope all is maintaining the best they can. I have been pretty blessed that things have been relatively quiet for me. I am my worst enemy at this point. I too am trying to quit smoking. I have slowed way down, but can't seem to let them go. I have been struggling recently with comfort eating and my fear is that if I totally quit, I will eat more. So I am weak. I am trying to get over this comfort eating thing and get back to being disciplined, where I use to eat healthy no junk.Would treat myself once in a while. But once in a while has turned into everyday. I do not smoke in the house though. Nor around my Mom.
Its just 2 things I have become hooked on Soda and chocolate bars.
Golden thank you for your comment. I just never know what to say, you all have so much going on and I am learning from all your experiences. I do hope you are excited about relocating?

Cmag- not sure whether to give condolences or not. Hope you and your wife and SIL get through this time. I am sorry for their loss, they will grieve their loss, but you sound like you will be totally supportive of them.

Dorianne-Sounds like a rough day.

Hope you all have a good evening. Thanks for being here. May God bless each of you.

(((((cmagnum))))) I hope your wife and her sister are doing ok.

I have just quickly skimmed, I'm going to catch up in a little bit.

I feel like a right heel, but.....after all I've read here, it never occurred to me till this weekend that mom's extraordinary behaviour this particular week may be from a UTI. So I feel like an a--h--- for spatting with her. But anyway.

I came back early this morning - on an instinct, to check on her - and found her very confused and disoriented, pretty much delirious....sitting in poo on the couch. She had it on her hand, on her thighs, etc. She had also already changed her Depends once right there on the couch, because I found a dirty one in the empty box of Timbits I brought her. So that might have been where the poo came from, though the one she was wearing was also pretty full. She doesn't remember anything about any of it. I would be willing to bet she's got a UTI from all the diarrhea and poop she's been having. Anyway, I got her cleaned up best I could, with lots of gagging on my part (I can't help it!), then went and fetched the cats and my stuff and came back.

Been keeping an eye on her all day, in case I needed to get her to the ER. She refuses to go, of course. I figured if she got worse tonight, I'd call an ambulance. But if we wait till tomorrow, she can at least get a proper shower from home support in the morning. And then I can pretend we're going to dialysis and just go 'round the ER side of the hospital instead. I'll call her nurses first thing in the morning and let them know what's going on - who knows? Maybe they can test right there in the dialysis unit. A UTI would definitely be connected to her kidney health.

Anyway, I am 90% sure it's a UTI. She has been pretty good about not getting "fighty" with me since our last big blow out in November. And yeah, I feel terrible for fighting with her instead of paying attention to the changes in her.

On a lighter note, I was supposed to go out with best guy friend tonight for that Indian buffet we didn't do last week....but I was soooo tired this morning I bailed on him AGAIN.....plus I didn't think I could deal with the look of all the Indian sauces after the messes I've cleaned up today!!

Thanks glad, but I've just started washing clothes and picking out some clean clothes for my wife to wear for the next three days. She's told me what to bring her for the funeral.

Magnum, try to get a good night's sleep. You will now have your life back and I hope the sisters can be very supportive of each other.

Thanks Guest. I was typing while you were typing and so I didn't see your post.

Thanks Sharyn and Glad

I wish that I could understand the stress attack that I had Friday night and all day Saturday during which time I ate far too much of my diet food. I had driven back on Thursday to tend to things here and thing bang goes the stress on Friday night. I've never had a stress attack like that before.

This is going to sound strange, but this loss is actually a gain for it liberates the twins from being manipulated by their mom's borderline/narcissistic personality via the Will. My BIL and I will not longer have to be around someone who despised us for we had taken her girls away from her.

I know that my wife and her twin sister will grieve the loss of their mother, but in some way they will not miss the pressure that she put on they while she was alive. I don't know what my SIL will do with herself now that she no longer has her mother to give all of her time to. She was much more enmeshed that my wife and thus it may be harder for her to change gears.

All I can do is be supportive of both of them. The funeral will be Wednesday. So, we can still sign the documents that we need to on Thursday before the buyers' close on the sale of our old house on Friday. That will be very liberating for us.

My wife plans on going back up to support and help her sister after being back home for a few days. She does have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday. Her sister will have her hands full as the executrix of the estate.

My I am long winded tonight. Thanks for listening. I need to finally wash some clothes and go to bed.

Cmag, sorry for your loss.

Cmag, I too, am sorry for your loss.

Cmag, I’m sorry to hear about your mil passing. I know you will be great support for your wife and sil. Prayers for healing and comfort.

ali - so so glad the thyroid meds are helping. It will take a couple of months before you get the full effect. Feeling "fine"!!! Yay, for sure.

cmag -my condolences on your mil's passing. At least it wasn't drawn out. I know you will be a great support to your wife and her twin, who still has a big job ahead. I am glad the manipulation is over, if not the effects of it, Drive carefully.

PamZ - how very infuriating!!! What is it with bil and sil. I think you have a good answer!

Still battling that bug which is slowly going. This weekend is a time to catch up on sleep, do a little online grocery shopping and renew my passport which expired last month. Not sure when I will need it,  but better be prepared!

Take care all -have a good night!

Hubs called FIL back, he will take him because he is a great guy.. but he plans to have a talk with him  over a nice lunch after that!

kbuser welcome. If your mum has appointed you POA she is the only one who can change that, and then only if she is competent. I hope she keeps it with you.Sibs often attack and accuse while not helping at all. It increases the burden on the caregiver, and we don't need that!!!! It is very hard to not let it get to you. (((((((hugs)))))


dori - I think your mum quitting altogether- if the dr suggests it, and under supervision is good. Be sure to go home on the weekend. Why punish yourself?

50schild -so glad to see you back and posting, and venting!!! You have a lot to vent about. I am also glad that you are going back for therapy. I have off and in all my adult life and it helps. It is part of caring for you. I will go to Mexico as part of caring for me. Mother is cared for. She would be happy to see more of me, but I can only do what I can do. She shoulders her own burden of life fairly well these days.
Re "I am ashamed for writing all this. So please someone speak to shame. My poor Dad, 96, I can’t even bring myself to phone him. It’s beyond anger. It’s beyond, “Just do it, you’ll feel better.” I feel done. I feel I’ve taken a fairy flight away from the Titanic and I’m leaving struggling souls behind. I love him. I am frozen. He's fine in care. I just am not there. " I totally understand. I have been close to that with mother. Please let the shame and guilt go. You don't deserve to carry them. You carry a big enough burden with the childhood you had, through no fault of your own. It was not you, it was them. Now you are working together the pieces of your life, and if it is not whole and perfect, so be it. It is the best you can do. I did not go to my own father's funeral. Not because I did not love him. I did. But because of the sick family dynamics, which I could not have taken -absolutely could not have subjected myself to that. I feel sad about it but no shame or guilt. 50s anything you post can help others by you honestly sharing your story, Please come back and share more. I am so sorry that your sister and beloved partner are declining. We can support you.

cmag - I appreciate your comments on self sacrifice.

sharyn - thx - I slept well last night finally. Good for you cutting back on smoking 50% Yay!!! Yes the chemicals from the smoke penetrate everywhere.

Dori - thx not the Kelowna one though they want to do another interview next week, which he will do just to keep his options open. The pay there is much less than here and the cost of living about the same. Have fun with angry birds.

Veronica - thx that's right can't have it both ways and we are happy to have it this way.

better end this while I am ahead.

Well FIL just called to tell us BIL is in OC for a few days, and although SIL will be home because it's a school holiday, she cant take him to his Dr apt... this is the same BIL and SIL who are living rent and all bills free in a home they talked FIL into buying so they could "take care of him and MIL".. He wanted hubs to take him... with no notice, and he has plans for tomorrow. Nope,, he is going to reschedule his Dr apt.. MAy I point out hubs is livid? Maybe I should call SIL and tell her hubs will take his dad,, and she can take MY mom to her next apt?