The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

smeshque,

The diet that I am on is called Optifast. It runs over 12 weeks and in the first 6 weeks, your diet consists of shakes, soups, and bars. Your calorie intake runs about 1,000 per day and you eat 6 times a day and you drink a lot of water.

Your doctor has to approve you being in this program and they keep an eye on you. For example, as a diabetic, I must make sure that my blood sugar does not drop below a certain level.

Another part of the program is exercise and they help you develop an exercise plan. This is taking place at a fitness center owned by the hospital. There are trainers there to help us.

Upon reaching week 7, you meet with a dietitian to plan eating healthy normal foods plus any of the products that you want to keep eating. My 12 week goal is 25 lbs. I lost 10 pounds the fist week and 5 the second week. The dietitian warned me that this would slow down even more. I hope to loose 2 pounds per week, but that is going to take some consistent exercise.

My long term goal is to loose 25 lbs every 12 weeks for 24 more weeks which is 6 months. At the end of the 12th week, they will measure my basic metabolism rate and from that figure what kind of diet I need to follow to reach my goal for loosing weight.

Mountainmoose - oh gosh, when you said it was a great start but now a nightmare? That reminded me of my BFF's warning last summer: "Just wait till the honeymoon period is over." I kind of scoffed at the time, but I should have trusted her as someone who's been caregiving her mom for a bunch of years now. No one on the outside ever understands what it's really like....otherwise so many of us probably wouldn't jump into this so readily. ((((((moose))))))

cmagnum - not much to say about the situation, but adding my thanks for starting this thread! I am soooooo grateful for it. I felt really alone until I found this site and especially this thread.

I am so looking forward to Friday and especially Friday evening! My weekends at home have become a treasure I look forward to. Got plans to see 2 girlfriends on Saturday, and then Sunday I'm going with best guy friend to have the Indian buffet I missed last weekend. *happy dance*

I am sorry I am stuck on the 15lbs in 2 weeks, what kind of diet is that? I understand what you mean (sendhelp).
I have trouble speaking up shen so many have it worse than I do, what can I complain about?
It is nice learning from everyones experiences. Much appreciated you all sharing.

Nite Magnum.

Good night. I think that I have detoxed some. Time to get my CPAP machine out of the car and go to sleep. I have the results of a recent sleep study to learn about next week.

Oh, and my car pic. It is a 2007 that I got in 2010 with only 36,000 miles on it. That has increased to 136,000 miles now. It runs and looks the best of any car I've owned over the years. I plan on driving this one as long as it does not nickle and dime me which it has not.

Good night Magnum, turn off that brain switch knowing there is only so much you can do and cannot control it. Get some sleep.

Sendhelp,

I know what my go to food is and it is certain nuts that I love and chocolate chip cookies. However, with this strict, low cal, diet, all I could do is eat extra diet food but then I would be out of food before the end of the 7 days it is for.

gladimhere,

Thanks and you are so right. Money is not and never has been an issue with her other than just not having enough and living as if she is poor. She wants her daughter there and that caregiver when her daughter can't be there. It would make MIL mad as **&^% if Debra acted like a POA and hired three people which would cost her mother money. While I was up there, I had as little direct contact with MIL as I could work out. I did not like having to be there much later than my wife said we would last night or so long this morning.

My wife and I have discussed how we can't control or rescue her sister. She's stopped going to therapy who told her boundaries also. Debra has reached out to us many times, but never takes our feedback. I've even gotten glances from her eyes saying help me. I think she wants me to be the husband that she does not have to stand up to her mother like I did for my wife. I've been there and don't want to do that again. My wife never got her freedom until she stopped hiding behind my pants and dealt with her mother head on.

It only takes two minutes for the popcorn, do you all think CMag was just driving by?

I hope that I did not advise him to ruin his diet. 15 lbs. in two weeks is quite amazing.

Thanks for starting this most interesting thread. It has helped me, and I am sure others too.
It helps too that others are going through some of the same things.
Hope it won't be taken the wrong way, (and it's not you), but when others are seeming to be worse off, I start to feel grateful when I only feel a little bit dysfunctional. I learn from others doing badly. ?? Does that make any sense at all?

Magnum, just try to concentrate on the finally selling your home. Two mortgages/rent/property taxes/insurance is not at all enjoyable. I did it for and year and finally my house closed a year ago. Now renting and will build, I think, late summer early fall.

Twin dynamics are very different. Such a close attachment since conception. And MIL and her needs/wants real or imagined are very real for your wife and SIL. Does she need boundaries? Yes, probably so. But they do diminish when a parent's needs are so extreme. Holding the will over their heads? Yes, absolute manipulation to try to get what she wants. She wants the caregiver 24/7. Can that even be done? Would it harm anything to just go along with it, providing the funds are there. Would give your wife a break to not have to listen to that one thing MIL cannot complain about.

Think about getting the house sold and one less thing to stress about in your and wife's lives. You maybe need some boundaries yourself? You can only control yourself. Soon wife will be back and you can settle back in to a normal routine.

Stress makes me hungry too.
What is it, in the past, that would have been your go to food?
Does your diet allow a splurge?

How about popcorn?

Stop.  Drink a big 12 oz. glass of your favorite water.
Then, have the popcorn?

And the stress that I tried not to absorb has increased my appetite which I know is why I ate so much in the past.

CMagnum,
Alone at home, on a diet, family in distress!
Nice car!
Did you know that many favorite t.v. series have additional episodes added?
If you ever need to distract oneself from other people not letting go.

I still watch Madam Secretary and NCIS.

Other than about my typing and grammatical errors, feel free to comment about my vent if you want to.

Hi, tonight I want to report on a h**llish situation that my wife and her twin sister are dealing with. Their narcissistic/borderline mother has been declining and was in an assisted living, but just barely.

Two weeks ago she came down with pneumonia and was in the hospital two weekends in a row. They found some pneumonia still in her lungs, but also found that her low oxygen level was staying low even on oxygen. On top of all of this came congestive heart failure.

Last Thursday night my wife's sister was so frantic that she called us to come up there. So at 12 am we left and got there at 4. I had to return later that day for I had things to deal with related to our selling our old house, etc. I drove up Tuesday to take my wife her diet food for the week. We are on the strict part of Optifast. I've lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks. I stayed for yesterday so that my wife and I could go out for supper and we ate a healthy normal, low cal, meal.

Yesterday, I observed how week my MIL is, heard her say she hated food, and heard her say that she was only going to be there 3 days and then to back to assisted living. She is very stubborn and likes being in control which means she is not cooperating very well with her treatment team. My SIL is killing her codependent self by spending 11 hours a day at the rehab place and there is a care giver who spends the night. My SIL has been told by a therapist she no longer sees to set boundaries which she has never done. She needs to hire 3 care givers to be there for 8 hour shifts for her mom but she is too afraid of making her mom angry. She's an ovarian cancer survivor since 2001 and has complications related to the treatments which hinder her.

The treatment team was busy today. My wife helped her with what little breakfast she would eat. She had not yet taken the medicine they had for her to increase her appetite. She can't see well enough to feed herself and her hearing is terrible. After breakfast, it was medicine time and liquid protein time because of her puny eating. And they finally got the increase the appetite med in her. Then she was off to PT. When she got back from that it was time for her nebulizer to help clear those lungs out and increase her oxygen level. Then, it was time for another kind of therapy. At lunch time my SIL came and I left.

I found out from my SIL (wife's cell phone is not working) that their mother had been very mean that afternoon. She was hateful and told them that they better get her back to the assisted living place or they would regret it. She's always holding the will over them like a carrot.

Her stubborness insisted on going to her 90th birthday party at her duplex planned by her care giver on Valentines in her wheel chair with an oxygen tank. She came back exhausted after 3 hours and today hardly remembered any of it. Also, she does not want to use a walker like the PT person wants her to because she thinks that a walker makes her look old? I wonder how she thought she looked in a wheelchair yesterday with oxygen?

My wife and I have our opinions, but her twin sister does not listen to us anymore than she did to the therapist. So, we don't say anything anymore. My wife has boundaries with her mom that she fought to get via years of therapy, but her sister does not. Her husband feels like his wife is married to her mom. Emotionally, she is. My wife is staying up there for a few more days before I pick her up on Tuesday with more diet food that we get every Tuesday. We have things to tend to related to closing on the house and medical appointments.

One weak link in the chain is the uncertainty about the care giver who stays at night's health. She went in for some kind of exploratory evaluation this morning. My MIL thinks that this lady should stay with her 24/7 because when not needed at the moment, she sits in her chair and reads. How selfish and unrealistic of my MIL, but typical. She's been like that since I met her back in the 1980's. The only reason that she misses her late husband is that he is no longer around to serve her worshipfulness.

Well, thank you for letting me vent about something that is not even my problem or circus. My wife may need to see her therapist when she gets home. That is a situation that no one can fix or control, but Debra needs boundaries.

Years ago, I had some very heart to heart discussions with books about her dysfunctional mother which has helped her understand a lot of her family of origin dynamics, but I wonder how much of that is just in her head but no in her gut.

Ok, vent over. Now to focus on something good like how much money we will get from selling our old house and how we are going to spend some of it on the loft in our new house which has 1,000 square feet. No more two mortgages a month, two utility bills, two home owners insurance, and two property taxes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dorianne: "Why do people always say "blood is thicker than water"? What a manipulative phrase." What a great opinion. I agree. I left home when I was 17 and didn't look back. I was the kid who was always the afterthought or even rebuffed by siblings. Move forward in time what feels like 100 years and I came back home 11 months ago to be Mom's caregiver hoping to get closer with my sisters. After a great start it has turned into a nightmare. Either when Mom passes or if I decide not to tolerate my treatment any more and go home in another state, that ship of "blood" has sailed. I'll take the family I choose. 

Side note: Amazing dreams you have!

Thanks you guys, for the interpretations and stuff. Still kind of shaken. Every time I think of her today I cry.

I DID message my stepsis today (from the dream, she's D____'s mom). Haven't talked to her since last summer, and when I texted her over the holidays, the texts didn't go through. So now I have her new number and we are gonna get together at the end of the month. I am dying to know if D____ is supposed to take his Vitamin B, lol! But seriously, I figure at the very least, it's a message not to lose touch with the rest of my stepfamily, which could happen sooooo easily (pretty much HAS happened since I started looking after mom). Everyone is kind of scattered all over the place, except this stepsis, who just moved back here. And - I just learned - she and her hubby bought a condo about 8 minutes from my place!

Also made plans to have coffee on the weekend with one of my friends, the one who most plays the "mother" role in our friend group.

So....whatever the dream meant, the end product is me trying to regain connection with my chosen family, which is something I've been letting slide away since I started looking after my mom.

What sticks out for me in the dream is that I refused to choose "blood" over chosen family, or give them up for "blood."  And then I ran into my non-"blood" family, in the dream, in a place they've never been.  Why do people always say "blood is thicker than water"?  What a manipulative phrase.  It's like you're supposed to put your bio kin first no matter what???  Just because you share the same genetics??

I did get a nap in this afternoon, after being woken up 2 hours early this morning. This time I dreamt I was a NASA astronaut! Staying at a secret science super base in the mountains, in charge of guarding and observing some creepy, mysterious alien thing my crew and I discovered the last time we were in outer space. Lol, it was pretty entertaining, and I was thrilled to wake up knowing I was a NASA astronaut for a little while! Maybe my brain was trying to make up for the other dream.

Welcome moose and nature to the dysfunctional thread and aging care. Please feel free to post more. You will get lots of support here.

Dori, those dreams are scary. I hope your day is comforting.

Lazy days here, kinda in a funk. I guess winter doldrums. We have had a little snow but it melts quickly.

E is wearing a patch over his good eye for 1-2 hours a day for the next 3 months. L is wearing one in support of his brother. Though being private is probably more behind it, lol!

I’m taking hubs out for dinner tomorrow for his birthday. He deserve a nice birthday dinner.

I hope everyone gave themselves some loving pampering yesterday. Long soak in a bath with bubbles or a bath bomb.

((((((dori))))) I have had many dreams of my childhood home, but it had many, many more rooms than our home had.

These are just my impressions. I see your mother (in the ship) as not a friendly entity, meaning not good for you, and clearly, in the dream, not accepting your current life (with friends) and wanting you to leave it to be with her and her ways.

Your stepfamily, step mother, in particular, as you have said, was a positive and loving influence in your life and maybe represents your "real" home.

I think you are at a crossroads between the two - back with mother, or forward to a life that has more love and care in it. Your friends provide some of that. Probably you have made the decision to move forward, but there is some tension in that decision. I find it significant that your stepmother was trying to get you to do things that were healthful for you. I think you have integrated her into yourself as a loving caring part of you.

It is so very emotional when we dream of lost loved ones. I dreamt of my father (my nurturing parent) many times, and often associated with a house with many rooms. I would wake up and for a split second think he was still alive.

This all is good, but emotional and draining. Be gentle with yourself today.

New/hidden rooms represent growth and change, which can be scary. (Yeah, I've looked that up for myself several times). Apparently body bags can also represent change in that your subconscious is acknowledging that something in your life is officially over, they can also be associated with putting some kind of failure behind you.
(That is a very simplistic summary, you can get more detail by googling yourself -  if you are interested)

***possible trigger warning - death imagery***

I just shook myself out of sleep....I had this dream....I was running with a friend, outside my grandfather/mother's old house in Vancouver. We were trying to make our escape from....something bad, no idea what. Trying to get to safety, anyway. This woman (supposedly my sister in the dream, but I don't have one....she had my mother's colouring, which I don't) was leaning out of a flying ship, shouting at me to come with her. I yelled "Not without A____!" The sister said, "He can't come, he's not one of us!" (Meaning not blood.) "Come with us!" she begged, arm outstretched. "I'm not leaving without him! Let him come up!" I shouted back. But she turned away from me, and the ship rose into the sky.

The house was huge in the dream, which is weird, because it was tiny in the real world. From the basement, I heard a gaggle of people all getting ready to go somewhere, talking and laughing....just the general happy, noisy chaos that comes with a huge family getting coats and boots on. I realized it was my stepfamily. (Weird again, because none of them have ever been to that house.) Then I heard my stepmother's laugh, as she said, "Don't forget to take your vitamin B, D___!" (One of her grandsons.) (She was always trying to get us to take our vitamins, or otherwise do something healthful.) I started following her voice, thrilled to hear her, so excited to see her after all this time (she died in 2013). But all these rooms! Where did they come from?

I shouted her name, "L___! L___!" Chasing after the sound of her voice.  (So many hallways!)  She was laughing and saying hello to me. Then I got close to her voice - she was still laughing - but when I rounded the next corner, I saw the voice was (apparently) coming from a black body bag, being wheeled on a stretcher around another corner, into a dark hallway. I only saw the lower half of the body bag - I stopped in my tracks and let the stretcher disappear from my view, not letting myself see any more. I shouted that I loved her and that I still missed her......but then I had to make myself wake up. I didn't want to deal with what came after that. I didn't even want to see the upper half of the body bag, where the voice was apparently coming from.

Sorry if that imagery shakes anyone. I had to get it out. I'm crying. I feel like it all means something, but it doesn't really make sense. Maybe I just want it to mean something. It was very strange.

(((((moose))))) I am sorry you are going through that with your family. Don't you just want to take your fingers and *FLICK* them right between the eyebrows and say, "Grow the eff up"? Well, I do, to your sis and niece, reading your post! If that's any consolation....and I'd totally do it for you if we lived closer. *FLICK* Don't give up your tai chi! There are lots of videos on YouTube - you can totally carry on learning by yourself, till you can get back to taking classes or connect with a group. Also sometimes, especially in the warmer months, there are tai chi groups that just meet casually in parks. There's even one here, in my little backwater city!

Duck - funny you mention that about audiences....I actually make it my mission to reach them! If they DON'T pay attention to my music, it makes me work even harder, lol! Why isn't this "F" fella your type? Curious as all heck, I can't remember the last time I got asked out!

nature73 - don't be shy, you are welcome to post here any time!

golden - I think we're damned if we do and damned if we don't - if you do it now, you'll feel guilty and maybe get some dirty looks; if you don't do it now, when will you? Plus you'll probably also be the recipient of several lectures on self-care. So you should do what you really want to do! Plus - I apologize for not knowing how aware your mom is - but you can use Google Duo or Skype to connect with your mom, even daily if you wanted to.

Well....turns out mom really isn't feeling well, and I let her skip dialysis today. So much for telling her off!!!! Lol. I think she is feeling a bit better. I made her some soup and toast, and sat with her to watch First Wives Club and Out of Africa.* Mom is currently watching the Canadian Olympic women's team vs. USA on CBC, now that I've finally retreated to my room. We're winning!

* Well, she watched, and I opened up my old Sims game and built a mock-up of my first "solo" apartment (the first one on my own, no roommates or partners). I actually dreamed about redecorating it last night, now that I can afford more than milk crates and cheap patio furniture.....and I can't ever just sit and watch TV and not do something else.....so I got the urge to give it a shot, at least in digital 3D. A nice little thing to do for me on V-Day.  Other people have boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives - I have apartments! Lol. Nothing ever compares to the beloved apartment I have now, though.  But they say you never quite get over your first love.

WOOOOO! Canada just won!

Ahhh, moose, I too KNOW how sibs can be. I cared for mom for four years. My twisteds did not realize how sick mom was until I had enough of their abuse and criticism. They even accused me of financial exploitation, nothing found of course. Old age brings out the worst in siblings, especially dysfunctional families.

I hope you are able to find another class soon that you will enjoy.

((((((moose))))) how horrible to be at such odds with your sis with mum going on hospice. But I understand and have had the same kind of stuff from my sis and her dd. It means they are looking for anything they can find to criticize you. Sounds like she is jealous of you as you have POA. I know my sis is. She doesn't really want to help -it is all a power play. I am sorry you are losing the tai chi. Is there anything else you can start which would give you the same relief? You need to have some breaks and time for yourself. Is there a caregivers group or another kind of group in your area where you could be with people? Take care of yourself!

Since I got here to be Mom's live-in caregiver eleven months ago, I've taken four classes of eight sessions each of tai chi, anything for relaxation and for something I can count on at least most weeks to talk to people. Tonight was my last session/class I'm taking because I may go home even though Mom's going on hospice Friday.

My sisters and niece have been so horrible. A couple months ago my two sisters said they had figured out how they could care for Mom without me and I "could just go home." On Monday when I talked to Sister 1 that I needed help and more time off because of burnout, she sneered at me. Apparently Sister 1 and Niece have even gossiped how I spend my free time (in my room where it's the only place I can relax because I'm just too tired to go anywhere even if there were someplace to go. "She on her computer!") and Sister 1 sneered at that. Really? Like I can't even spend my private time without being criticized!?

Eventually we ended in a screaming match when she screeched how Mom's lawyer could change the POA from me to her. "No, he can't." "Yes, he can!" (there's NO reasoning with her.)

After she calmed down and she even apologized, I mentioned selling Mom's house and Mom and I could move in with her so there'd be two of us--"You're not coming in my house."

Back to tonight when the tai chi class was doing the cool-downs, I started bawling and couldn't stop. It hurt so bad to lose this sole activity that gave me peace.

cw - whatever happens there is nothing I can do that can't be cared for over the phone. PTSD prevents me from visiting often, or for long anyway. There is nothing she can do or say to hurt me now, but the years of verbal/emotional abuse have left their scars and tender places. It would be smart to make some advance funeral arrangements if we do go.

becky - yes, I can always fly back. Glad your follow up was good. I don't envy you the wind. I can tolerate cold without wind much better. R is affected more than I am, and longs for beaches and sunsets. Right now he is stuck near E'ton as some roads are like skating rinks and we have a blowing snow advisory.

ali - to help understand your symptoms you may want to google "70% of All Caregivers Over the Age of 70 Die First. Is Caregiver Syndrome a REAL Medical Diagnosis?" I believe the prolonged stress you experienced while caregiving, on top of PTSD from childhood abuse, can explain a lot.

This is the time of year that we get what I call the January blues (blahs) which stretch into February until the weather eases up (prairie madness?). It is not being stuck in the house, or in a location, but being stuck in the harsh weather. Thank God for the internet and computers.

Golden, I think I would give Mexico a try. You can always fly back. The cold wind off the lake is brutal, but outweighed by the peace and quiet.

I went for follow up visit this morning. No problems, other than dull headache. PJ took me out to lunch for Valentine's Day which was nice.

Everyone enjoy the day!

LOL Golden. I thought you were at peace with caregiving from a distance, what could possibly happen with your mother that would require your physical presence?

Hi Ali - happy day to you too. The day is named for Saint Valentine, so it 'belongs' to him. Valentine's Day! Hope you get extra tips at work in the next few days!

duck - the weather is awful - Cold (minus 13F) and feels much colder (minus 33F) and blowing snow. Eyes are about the same. Looking forward to my new glasses.

nature - hi and feel free to jump in and post any time.

Seniors caring for seniors is on my mind. I am 80 now and do I get to travel while I am still able? Should I stick around and not go far afield as long as mother is alive? R was talking about spending the winters in Mexico in the future. I would love to be out of this cold. I am leaning towards freeing myself to go, or it may never happen. Am I exhibiting poor values if I do? Mother is well cared for. I am confident of that. But, I can see a headline, "Uncaring daughter winters in Mexico, while aged mother lies alone and unvisited in nursing home."

What do you think?