The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Happy Valentines Day, DYS thread. 🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

I'm wondering whether it's correct to write "Valentines Day" or Valentine's Day." Does it need an apostrophe to show possession? Either way, have a wonderful day and I hope your respective sweeties --- including cats, kids, etc. --- show you some love.

Welcome, Nature73, and "shout out" to any other regular readers and lurkers. You are always invited to post anything and everything, and jump into this or any other threads at any time. 🙂

Golden, thanks I am looking forward. Yes I have moments where I see my statements in another light I hope these people are good at what they do becuase I am bull headed and sometimes stuff dont get in which is why it takes me so long to see stuff. Sounds like you are having very extreme weather. How's the vision treating you.

Ali hope all is well with job and you the new med is starting to shpw its colors in a good wasy.

Dorianne, Yes you and Ali and anyone else who stands up for themselves from being taken for granted deserve an award. It feels good even if its for a moment. It has always amazed me when I have this outburst from frustration to something similar my mother is quite and then on good behavior (treating me decent) for a while. I have always felt guilty afterwards but like I dropped a heavy load.

And hey speaking about 9 and ten years old. After girl scout brownie meeting we would chip in together and buy wine. And drink it and smoke cigarettes shameful but true. Marie was the leader two years older. She taught us how to dance too almost like dance school. She later would hang at studio 54 and take me with her and show me some real nice moves I came to love dancing because of how people enjoyed experessing themselves and haveing a good time at those places.
Doriane, I think its so cool that you are an entertainer and muscian it must be awesome feeling when you are on stage seeing people be moved and enjoing your music.
Hey about the migranes. Thats scary about the probiotics. I had migraines when I was a young teen until my first year with EMS. They are so painful and dibilitating. At about age 12 I thought I had a brain tumor. I wrote a letter to my parents saying I love them and how I was haveing this pain. My father past away, as were moving to new house my mother found that letter I stuck behined the mirrors behind sofa and I rushed to get it. I really did fell as though I was going to die.

Well the guy is coming to do sewer tomarrow morining. That is F the nicest man, we talk a lot he always asks me out and I have been tempted but he really isnt my type. These next days when Im off I have to attack the kitchen again. and the fridge. Every now and then I think my mother becomes lucid enought to mop the hall. I was surpriesed and happy this morning when I came in and saw the floor clean even if who ever did it didnt put the pads (chucks) down.

So I am hopeful, a little scared because it seems like when things go good something else goes haywire.
I had mild steady underwave of negativity flowing around but I am staying postive I am not falling into the grips of sadness.

I hope you all are well. Rays of love light and peace to all. With lots of smiles.

Welcome, nature73! Chime in any time.

Dorianne: Way to set your mom straight! Sounds like that was just what she needed to hear! They will see how far they can push to see where the boundaries are. It's all so unnecessary. (Forgive me for chiming in, I'm a caregiver too & follow these posts regularly - misery loves company!)

My granddaughter started having migraines at age 4. She was taken to the pediatrician with first one. They gave her medication to take. She had three more in fairly quick succession. My son and DIL felt there had to be something else going on. They took her to a pediatric neurologist. She went thru various tests - nothing. He then questioned about her diet. Third item was yogurt. The bacteria in yogurt was the culprit. She hasn't had yogurt in five years and hasn't had a migraine since then.

😊😊😊

Lol, golden - it's a general shopping rule, for those of us outside the Lower Mainland, that if you can't find it where you are, go to Kelowna!

Oooh, I didn't know about the shopping!!! Great medical care is a real bonus, and the climate would be a vast improvement. Glad you are going to see your doctor, I went for years here really without one, except to renew meds, as the choice here was so bad.

cwillie - the throwing up didn't come till the young lad downstairs turned on his oven around 6 pm. It was the terrible burning stench of his dirty, greasy oven that set the nausea off. (I actually mentioned it to the landlord yesterday....the fellow is young enough that I'm not sure he knows ovens have to be cleaned!) But yes, I have been intending to make a Dr. appt. this month anyway.

golden - Kelowna is very pretty but indeed somewhat expensive. It doesn't really have a proper "downtown" either, which I find a bit odd!  However, Kelowna has major pluses, like all the best surgeons and medical care outside of Vancouver, for example - not to mention the best shopping!

dori Waves!!! R is interviewing for job in Kelowna tomorrow. Expensive, but would be a nice change from here.

cw  apparently certain strains of bacteria trigger migraines in some people, but, caution is wise.

The throwing up degree of pain coming out of the blue is not in any way menopause and I can't see it having anything to do with probiotics either. Humour me, don't downplay it and don't put this off.

Oh, cross-posted with golden! *waves*

Holy doodle, Ali....$17k per MONTH!??? On WHAT?

cwillie, that is a good point, and I will mention it to my doctor. I do know her well enough by now, though, that she will probably blame it on the onset of menopause. Or the probiotics, or the combination of those things. (I don't dislike my doc, but I don't really find her thorough enough....if there weren't a severe doctor shortage here, I would probably search for a different one. As it is, I am lucky to even have one at all.)

Guestshopadmin - I think probiotics are regulated as a food, so they don't have to put any kind of warning on them as it is!

Anyway, I am basing my "diagnosis" on the symptoms, which are all classic migraine. I could be wrong. I just hope I never get - whatever that was! - again! I do know the only thing I did different was start the probiotics, so I'm sure never taking them again. What a waste of money. :-(

duck -I hope the therapy works out for you. After I broke up with ex I vented a lot to my middle son. He is a good listener. One day I heard what I was saying in a new light. and it caused an attitude shift in me which started my healing, I wish the same for you.

gershun - migraines ouch!!!

dori - good idea to get checked out as cw suggests. Caregiving is very stressful!!!

ali -Oh bummer!!!! Trust is impossible, but it isn't over til it's over, or till the fat lady sings, and she hasn't yet. Hope you are starting to have more energy!

Plus 2 C (36 F) today going down to minus 20 C (-4F) tomorrow. Freezing rain down south - crazy weather!!!

I think I have the February blues. I've gone Iris Apfel today. I'm wearing three colourful bracelets, only one necklace (thinking about putting in another) and considering getting more holes in my ears so can wear 3 sets of hoop earrings at the same time. Where does she store all her jewellery???

The Trust Officer sent me email today, said something about a result/reimbursement being a good possibility, told me to think positive, but the Board Members who vote on this are "conservative" types. I wrote back that they couldn't possibly be more of actual conservators of my family's Trust money than I was, because the Trust was spending about $15-17k per month in the 6-8 months before my grandmother's death. That amount became $12-15k per year for the next 6 years while I handled everything, no thanks to them. 

Also, he says they're meeting this month about it.  He told me previously they were meeting last month.  It's anyone's guess what is actually happening, if anything, about this issue.  

I did ask them for money to help me with caregiving around 2012-13. I needed gas money, etc., to keep up with all the appointments but they never gave me anything.  I did it all myself without any help from them and now I feel they have nothing left to hang over my head -- my dad is safe and I am out of house, so they cannot say they're going to place my dad somewhere he doesn't want to go, or evict me, etc.  This is why this is happening now, not before.  They wouldn't give me any necessary money before and I was scared of them and what they might do.  

I hate them. *scowl*

Cwillie,
That is an excellent point!

Gershun,
Once a Marine, always a Marine.
Once a caregiver, always a caregiver!

Your acceptance speech is long overdue.

If you could choose your award, what would it be?
Easy, we're not the helpful Honda people here, so make it cookies, chocolate, or a candy heart?

It is the thought that counts. And, prayers for you to get a good sleep. These changes in the weather are not helping anyone. The body is trying to wake up for spring, and caregivers are so used to keeping ourselves awake at all hours for the next crisis......

Dori, they don't mention the side effect of probiotics because not all people have it. If you note it, someone would file a lawsuit or require extra precautions for a dangerous medication....
I have stress migraines and weather migraines. If the barometric pressure changes, I get one. The freight train of cold weather fronts this year has had my husband running for the hills. I congratulate you on your restraint - my statement would have been much more profanity laced.

Dorianne I am concerned, since this was your first migraine ever how do you know that's what it was? Please tell your doctor and get a check up.

Ha ha, I think you might have found me a very boring skipper-outer buddy, Ali! Grade 9/10 was the point in my mom's drinking RIGHT before I said, "Eff this, I'm going to live with Dad!" (Actually, it was right around spring break, grade 10, when I pulled the cord and called him.)  Plus I was avoiding a big, dumb, physically violent bully named Stella (and her gang of fellow mean girls) at school. I was just miserable at home, and miserable at school.

So mainly I walked around the streets (and alleys) of Vancouver listening to my Walkman! On super rainy days I took change from the laundry jar and rode the buses all day, or went to the public library if there was no laundry change. I don't think I was much fun!  (I could've used a buddy though.)

Lol, plus by grade 10....I was really deep into my progressive/metal phase. Rush, Yes, Iron Maiden, Deep Purple....

....which, oddly enough, is where I am again, ha ha! Except now OTHER people think that stuff is cool, too!

I think what worked this morning is....I was mentally right on the edge of throwing mom over my shoulder and carrying her to my car. And I was in such a foul mood from pain, I had the adrenaline to pull it off. I think her spidey senses picked up on that! :-P

Dori, I think we would've been besties in 9th/10th grade. I was more of a follower, but I liked to follow those fun gals who would convince me to skip a period and go walk the train tracks behind school over to the park. We would smoke cigarettes and that was very, very bad by my private school's standards.  lol

Nothing wrong with gritting your teeth through caregiving duties, saying a few curse words in your head or out loud, depending on the situation.  None of us are/were perfect, but you qualify for Caregiver of the Year if, when you have a migraine, you can just get the things done that need doing without murdering anyone.  

In my heart, I know this repetitive sh** with mom not "feeling" like going to dialysis is actually my karmic punishment for all the times I skipped school as a 9th/10th grader. So I'm not sure I qualify for an award.

Gershun....really? Like, how did you even cope? Do you get them often?

The only pain I would have put above it is when I had kidney stones and a kidney infection FROM the stones at the same time!  (And the dumb ER doc sent me home with the information that I had a bladder infection....yeah, I almost died that time.) 

I felt like my entire head was being squeezed inside some invisible alien torture vice grip!  Like my skull should be cracking open any minute now.

Oh Ali, I feel your pain. It took me quite awhile (MONTHS) to get mom to accept any kind of schedule for dialysis days. Home support helps at least. And now, at least, we are out the door by 11:30, no matter what. (Bribing her with Tim Horton's drive thru goes a long way.)

Yeah, among the other things probiotics can trigger....and I did a lot of reading before I decided to take them. But I only found that out when I asked Doctor Google directly: "Can probiotics cause headaches/migraines?" And the answer was very firmly yes, it can trigger them!

It's so dumb sometimes, that you have to know what you're looking for (usually through experience) before you can find the information you should have had back when you NEEDED to know it. 

Let's all write out acceptance speeches and then whoever writes the best one wins the title. Although technically I am no longer a caregiver. Do former caregivers qualify Send?

Migraines suck..........I had one last week. Les Miserables for sure!

Sendhelp - I'll start preparing my acceptance speech, lol!

Dori, I went through a few somewhat similar situations with my father. I was taking him to doctor appointments all the time, and often he wouldn't be ready to leave because he hadn't had "proper breakfast," so he needed me to make for him (though he could make his own), or he didn't have his many accessories ready to go with (he's OCD to the nth, so travels everywhere with fanny pack, fisherman's vest, sometimes briefcase).

One morning I was trying to get him in the car for early-early morning surgery and he was insisting on doing all the things I had told him ahead of time that he couldn't do: no water or food after midnight the night before, and leave everything extra at home. He wouldn't comply but I got him in the car and took him into the intake room. He was used to me filling out all his paperwork forms but that morning, I didn't even wait to walk with him to the door. I marched up to counter, told them who he was, and that they could reach me by phone in case of emergency. I walked right back out and drove home. It was what I could do then and there for him, to drop him off. Ask any more of me in that moment and I was going to lose it. He had a very successful outpatient surgery that day. His wallet, and watch, and other things were lost that day, all those things he wasn't supposed to take with him but insisted on taking, and... all that really matters is that he had a great surgery that helped him.

You got her there for her dialysis. Good job. :-) I feel for you, though. 

And I had no idea probiotics could trigger migraines. Holy doodle. o_O  

Caregiver award is on it's way!

"Excuse ME. I dragged myself out of bed with a head-splitting MIGRAINE, a vomit-inducing MIGRAINE, got myself showered and dressed, got the ice scraped off the car, got myself here in time for YOU, and I feel like HELL, if you want to know. And you're not going because you don't *FEEL* like it? You don't even have to DO anything! You get wheeled to the car and driven to the hospital, and then they wheel you to a couch where you lie around and look at magazines for 4 hours, and then we do the whole thing in reverse. You have to take maybe TEN STEPS the whole day....and you don't FEEL like it? I don't THINK so. Now get your parka on, we're leaving!"

Lol, holy doodle!

Sharyn - ooh, yes, fingertips a little, and I DO need to rebuild the callouses....but just my fingers in general. I dragged out the acoustic, because I didn't want to set up the electric. Acoustics are just "stiffer" to play - that's why I switched to electric a few years back. (And electric bodies are smaller, so they just "fit" better.)

cwillie - I loved The Diviners! I didn't have much luck "getting into" Stone Angel though. Maybe I need to give it another go. I think Surfacing is the WORST Atwood book I've read, to be honest! Cat's Eye is my favourite. Also really enjoyed The Robber Bride, Lady Oracle, and The Edible Woman, if you're looking for somewhere to dive in. Her newer stuff tends to be a little "sci fi"-ish.

There is a book....I HAD a copy but I must have loaned it to someone....that's a published series of letters between Margaret Lawrence and Margaret Atwood through the '60s and '70s, a lot of them examining their personal views on women's roles and women's "liberation" as it was called at the time. Damn, I can't even find the title online, so it's probably out of print. But it's really enlightening. Both very interesting women!

CM - I also love Atwood as a speaker! I managed to get a book (Cat's Eye) and a poster (Robber Bride) signed once, but I was intimidated by her intelligence, so I was pretty tongue-tied and said almost nothing! I'm sure I left zero impression. I think Lawrence's Stone Angel is taught in some uni English lit classes, so you might have some luck finding it.

(((((Duck)))))

(((((Ali))))) Just saw your post as I was finishing writing mine....

Well.....I had my very first identifiable migraine yesterday, and it was one of the WORST experiences of my life! I could not move....and I couldn't lie down either, 'cause that made it worse....and I was moaning and groaning and I threw up 4x. NOTHING helped it even a tiny little bit. Truly awful. I think the cats thought I was dying!

I'm pretty sure I got it from starting probiotics. I had taken 2 doses by that point. Afterwards, when I went hunting online, I learned that headache and migraine triggering was indeed a potential side effect. Wish that had been somewhere on the bottle!

(Funny, I've mentioned to 3 people today that I had my first migraine, and every one of them has said, amazed: "It's only your FIRST?" Like, are migraines that common? Or do people go around thinking every headache is a migraine? 'Cause I've had tons of headaches, even when I was a kid, and I've had some DOOZIES. But I've never experienced ANYTHING like that.)

Anyway, I called mom last night and said I wouldn't make it back till morning. Pulled my sh** together this morning and came back with the cats. Then mom - who was TOTALLY AWARE that I was sick and hurting (she even asked how I was feeling) - said, "I'm not going to dialysis. I don't feel like it." We had a few minutes of back-and-forth. I even threatened to call the ambulance. "Go ahead and call them, I don't care," she spat.

Well, I lost my fuse. It was that spoiled little brat voice that set me off. "Excuse ME. I dragged myself out of bed with a head-splitting MIGRAINE, a vomit-inducing MIGRAINE, got myself showered and dressed, got the ice scraped off the car, got myself here in time for YOU, and I feel like HELL, if you want to know. And you're not going because you don't *FEEL* like it? You don't even have to DO anything! You get wheeled to the car and driven to the hospital, and then they wheel you to a couch where you lie around and look at magazines for 4 hours, and then we do the whole thing in reverse. You have to take maybe TEN STEPS the whole day....and you don't *FEEL* like it? I don't THINK so. Now get your parka on, we're leaving!"

OMG. I was so mad. But she didn't protest one bit further, actually! Just sat up on the couch, looked around, and meekly said, "I can't find my shoes."

This side of me is why I never had kids, TBH.  I didn't think it would be fair to inflict myself on innocent children. 

I still feel kinda hellish, but more in a hangover sort of way. My ribs and back are sore! Maybe from throwing up. My neck is sore on the side I had the migraine on. And I've felt sort of "floaty" all day, and definitely feeling a lack of real sleep. I'm about to settle back on my heating pad for a little while.

So....on that note, I hope everyone has a calm, peaceful evening and a lovely night's sleep.

Ali,
Seems like they were so close to paying you when they had your Dad sign some papers?

They are stringing you along! Go over their heads Ali. No, higher. Go to the top, who owns the company. Make that the shortest letter, say: Still expecting a check.
Then attach their last 3 correspondence to you, without saying what you did. Let them figure it out.