The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I wrote an email to Trust Officer just now. I was overly vicious and threatening and I recognize this... I need to chill. But I'm SO ANGRY at them... still. I was pissed. I might copy-paste the email here, only because I think I need to come to terms with how triggered still dealing with *all that* causes me to feel at times. It's not good. I indulged some anger and lots of snark and threats. I know it isn't healthy or right. I know this.

Edit:  deleted the rest.  Sorry.  I'm raw still with this situation and with my own short temper and fatigue these days.  Thanks for understanding.  (((hugs)))  All is well.  I should've showed some restraint.  

Have a good night rays of light peace and love to all.

.gos for goes, does for dose, dang!!!! Its like my brain to head has a totally different English then I have this keyboard that has end right next to enter so I am always having to replace cursor. pardone por favor

I think the stress gives me dyslexia. I just try to get my thoughts down. but its really weird how my spelling gos to pieces as I type my mind. Please pardon the typos.

Hi All! I am trying to catch up. Just lost a book I was writing have to start over. OH BoYYYYY.
Doriane, I love the holy doodle. I think that was so cute. I get the light aand dark thing. I love the light. I like brightness and I am very nearsighted so it helps when I dont have on my glasses or contacts. My mother also prefers the dark or dimness. Used to hurt my eyes to come in from out side.

Golden, glad your recovery from surgery is good. I like road trips, It feels like therapyt to me. Although I dont like to be so roadshocked that I still see the road coming as i does off to sleep. Rest easy as you catch up.
I was writing this long thesis on how there is a leak in the sewer line. Could be the sewer is backed up but the water pours out of a spot where the line was repaired. Called Neph to see if there was a waranty. This just adds to the build up of frustration on how my mother managed us and her affairs. Coleman the handy man go to for everything is sick for two weeks now. Turns out he didnt replace light in bathroom it was just fine when I came in but next day is was blinking and then I noticed it wasnt changed. I called him about sewer, he says that water got to come out from somewhere if its blocked and told me how to check. I have seen a snake used when guy unclogs the line. C says he cleans his every few months. guess I am going to learn lhow to do.He is still out. there is another gentleman who does work we are good friends, he is a possible boyfriend but he looks like a lil boy, tiny (forgive me) so as much as it seems possible its a no can do for me. But we alway sit and talk he is out on a job I will reach out to him to see if he can show me how to do this or if he is availiable. I would like to reachout to NEp also Its a "good to know" with house stuff I guess.

Becky I hope you are recuperating well from that terrible incident and from your loss. I just got the 100. took for two days now waiting to see effect. The 10 mg had me feeling like a new sprung chicken for a brief minute.

Okay , so I go to gastrology appt when I got off wednesday morn. That went well go endoscopy and colonoscopy set up. Ex is still going to go with me. By the way he doesnt now about sewer stuff.
Then thursday I get up to go for the therapy intake which is when I found leak in the basement. I took shower went up to iron clother overloaded circuit with this cadillac iron I have. its haevy and gets real hot love it (fSh$@K) so when I go to flip circuit breaker I hear rain and investigate and see leak from sewr line and the dirt floor is damp with a few very mild puddles. I tend to ramble on so gettihng back, I go to fix my mother something to eat and when I open fridge freezer I see a freaken roach nest in the crook by the henges. I mean I have never seen anything like this. It freaked me out. Like little brown bubbles and all stages of growth but as just in that little area. Then I could see crawling along the rubbler. I cried in the shower. then I am further frustrated because the combat squeeze thing is not where I left it. nothing ever is. Then I realize all my life I have longed for a normal home. Where things were in order and you could keep going to the same place for the same thing. It was like that when my father was alive but not with my mother. things went where ever she felt at the time. Then I had noticed how she had swept and left a little pile right by the door. which I could never for the life of me understand. I used to buy her the stand up dust pan, one for the back yard dog mess. one for the front and one for the kitchen. she mentioned long time ago that I was so clean they couldnt stand me,( what!!) so now with the dementia, I have to search high and low for a condiment or go buy it to cook. All of that disorder is amplified. And just when it seemed stufff was staying decenta little longer its out of control. I am the onlyone taking out the trash and cleaning and mopping. My sister walks right past the pee and do gives my mother a burger and some of her fries and goes straight up stairs.

Then with my mother, her nature has always been spiteful. Every thing is a conspiracy I have to listen to her sing songabouut what someone had the nerve to do or just did and how they did it. She did this and she did that and wispering tone to look at this or that. I cant help but flash back on how she useed to do this kind of stuff to me. Had my sistre come over asking me what I was doing to her I boo hoo'd that day after a few sultry words. so this care business is wearing me down. I
Then today on the way to work I come to take shower to find stuff like coffee grinds in the sink. My mother never cleaned her bathroom. I used to scrub that black ring around the tub even when I didnt live there or when I did live there and had a working bathroom. That sink was always sow in draining even after work and investigation. I never used it and it baffeled me how my mother would use it leave pieces of toilet tissue on the side where she wipe the film from the water. Well I find the sink filled with something like coffee grinds and a plunger laying across it . I dont know who did it but someone left a nice mess for cinderella.

Well the intake went well. They will present all to the team and decide if they can help me. Same with the wtc program. I was devestated when they turned me down.
I should hear something this week.
To be honest I felt like postphoning the apt. I was tired and stress from those findings in the house what a roach nest and leak in sewer line! I was nervous and happy. I knew it would be hard to explain everything from any point or stage. But I was glad to be on the verge of finally getting help so of course I was a little emotional. I think my eyes were still red from earlier.

I dont know what this life has for me down the road but I have hope that it will get better. For all of us.

glad -how awesome to start sewing again. Your mother was so talented and she passed it on to you. Maybe you can pass it on to your grands!!! 1896 - the year my father was born. Love you too and am so glad you are away from the twisteds

dori -poor bruce!!! re Fort mac -most of us went in our own cars. The hospitalized and some seniors from the lodges were flown or bussed out . The roads were packed.and also the gas stations. I drove north on my own after lunch, and with a couple of stops, found an oil sands camp about 11 pm. I had started packing the day before as I had a bad feeling about the fire, so I had clothes and meds with me, but never thought of food and water as I planned to drive south, but, by the time I left, our area wasn't allowed south. Have no idea where i read that story - probably in a collection of short stories

sharyn -sorry you are having flashbacks too -no fun, Now R is talking about winters in Mexico. I think he has about had it with winter this year.Me too. The job, if he gets it, is here , He has another interview this week for a job in Kelowna, That would be lovely, but housing is very expensive there. My stuff is becoming less and less important to me. As long as I have my clothes and my computer I don't much care about the rest of it. Maybe I should just get a dumpster. Glad you are getting over the sinus infection,

cw - love Margaret Laurence!!!!

cm - The Diviners: Penguin Modern Classics Edition Paperback – May 16 2017, The Stone Angel: Penguin Modern Classics Edition Paperback – May 16 2017

Fighting a bit of a sore throat, only in the evenings. Zinc lozenges help, thankfully.

I see that there is a Kindle edition of The Diviners... I've even found a Wikipedia reference to it. I've read all her books (I think), but long ago,  I'm not sure how well they have stood the test of time.

(oops, I've misspelled her last name, it should be Margaret Laurence)

Do, CW - well worth another crack at it, I think. I have a tendency to gallop through her novels and not take them in properly - a bad reader's habit, I hang my head - but you can't do that with anyone who isn't a super writer so it's a compliment really :) And I love her as a speaker, so dry and witty.

My daughter's class was given the Handmaid's Tale. If it wasn't for the epilogue I'd have found the whole thing monstrously depressing and I certainly wouldn't give it to impressionable young people. Horrific!

Margaret Lawrence, eh? Still in print, do you know?

Other than The Handmaiden's Tale I haven't been able to stomach anything Atwood since being forced to study Surfacing in school - now that I think about it I imagine the novel's theme was not really something that would resonate with teens and I might want to give some of her later works a chance. Back in my day the controversial Can Lit author was Margaret Lawrence, specifically the Diviners - we even had book burnings. I loved her books.

Glad, very exciting having a house built! I hope the wait isn’t too long. Picking out your choice of counters, cabinets, flooring and paint colors, how fun!!

Dori, sore finger tips? Need to build up those calluses!! Lol!

Golden, weeding out and downsizing is very consuming. A move south would be good and hoping R gets a position there. Sorry you are having flashbacks about your son. I get it. I’ve been have some re my mom’s last days. I think because her birthday was the 6 th. Different circumstances but I can only imagine ((( hugs)))!

Love, so sorry about your brother passing. Yes, if there is dysfunction, it comes out like a waterfall on a spring day when there is a death or other family issue. I hope you continue to post here.

So much going on at work. They transferred the micromanaging co- coworker. I actually feel bad for her because she just can’t accept her part.

Slowly getting over the sinus infection. Temps are mild with highs in the 50’s low 60’s. Very strange because usually there is snow still on the ground in February. Very light snow this winter.

Have a restful weekend everyone.

Welp....I just destroyed the "quiet weekend at home" thing by finally dragging out my guitar. Bruce lost his sh** when I started playing some chords, and ran off to hide in a corner. I realized that, because I only adopted him since I've been staying at mom's, he's never actually heard a real guitar before! I haven't been able to practice or even just mess around at mom's. And....I can't even remember the last time I played for fun. My other cat, Carmella, was in her glory though. She kept jumping up beside me and then jumping down to rub my leg, as if saying, "We're REALLY home now!"  My fretting hand sure hurts right now, though!  Lol. 

golden - I don't think I've read that one! Do you remember which book of short stories it was in? The first Atwood short story book I read was Dancing Girls. That must have been super frightening trying to get out of FM on your own! And with all your family in different places. Yikes! Did you drive out on your own or go with a group?

Becky - I read it in the '80s too....it's weird to me that it's taught in high schools now!  (Good but....weird.)  I saw the movie a few times, it was pretty good too....love Natasha Richardson as Offred, and Aidan Quinn is totally my Nick, no matter who plays him elsewhere. Have you seen the new series, with Elizabeth Moss? It was pretty awesome! One of the best things is how they had the time to flush out some of the other characters' stories.  I've seen it 3x through now. They completed the book in the 1st season; I don't know what they are going to do after that, but it should be interesting....I always tried to imagine what came next! Oh, and Margaret Atwood has a cameo as one of the Aunts!

Well, it's just turned 9 here and I haven't even eaten yet, so I better get off my duff and go make something!

Dori, Love Margaret Atwood. - read The Handmaid's Tale back in the mid 80's when it came out. I loved the first movie of the book with Faye Dunaway and Robert Duvall - he was creepy. I've got a complete set of Laura Ingalls Wilder. I've reread them a couple of times. I went to the museum in South Dakota. Having said that, I didn't like the TV series. How's Bruce? Hope you're enjoying a quiet weekend at your apartment.

Glad, I hope building a new house works out for you. A sewing room would be great! Best wishes.

Dori, no the pagen rituals on the air mattress must have been in a previous life! LOL!

Veronica, the reading spot sounds absolutely heavenly! I am going to have a sewing room too. I'll get back to it yet. Maybe I should start with a quilted duvet. A beautiful pattern in the window of the quilt shop here!

My oldest house was 1896, the one where I had the fire 3.5 years ago now. Just doesn't seem at all possible. So much has happened in that 3.5 years. Lots of loss, then rebuilding, taking my time, being patient with myself, and finding my way.

Love you all so much! Couldn't have done it without those that were here through the most difficult of those times! I appreciate all the support you all have provided much more than you could possibly understand!

Love - prayers for you. and sympathies in the death of your brother. Let us know how you are doing.

dori -yes, Fort Mac. I went through the whole nine yards of being evacuated north, on my own, as R was in the south, kids went north to different places. It was scary at times. People here were a great support. Still here, but looking at moving to Ed unless R gets a job here again. I lived in St Albert for years before moving up here. It is a small world. We stay in Stony Plain when I go down as I was stayed there during evac. The only Atwood I have enjoyed was her short stories, I could never get into the other ones, but happened upon some short stories and was enthralled. She wrote one about the cats in the alleys in Italy who are fed on spaghetti and who are wan, and one day don't appear. I was there and it was so true. It touched me. Glad you are trying to reconnect with friends.

50schild - I missed responding as I was in transit. You sound very stressed about your sister, with reason. Please look after you, as you support her, while she goes through medical procedures.

veronica - that sounds lovely!!! A daybed! The oldest house I have stayed in had parts built in the 1400s (St Andrews) . A 1700 year old house would have wonderful atmosphere and be challenging at the same time.

Cooking hot italian sausages in a tomato sauce for supper.

Glad your new home sounds very exciting. I have never had one of those. the oldest one we ever owned was built in 1700.
If you don't need another twin bed put the one you have with the head in a corner facing the door with plenty of pillows. then fill the rest of the room with chairs etc. A plant real or fake on a table by the window set up with a chair as a casual desk with stationary and an open book with glasses laid on it.

golden - oh goodness, were you in Fort Mac? Yikes, that must have been scary! We were choked out by the smoke here last summer, but the wildfires themselves didn't come close enough to harm us. I just realized if you are in Ed, you are not to far away from my BFF's oldest son, DIL, and their babe! How cool is that? (Canada - so big, yet so small, lol!) They moved to Fort Mac for work, but ended up in St. Albert after the fire.

I adore Ms. Atwood, I gotta say. By chance, my stepmom brought a book of her short stories home from the library when I was 15, and I was instantly hooked on the "weird". Laura Ingalls Wilder - I did like her books when I was a kid, but I came to them from the TV show, which I ADORED! I sooooo desperately wanted "Pa" and "Ma" to be MY Pa and Ma!

glad - I had to look up goatheads, and I'm glad I did, because I was ALMOST picturing some weird pagan ritual happening on your air mattress, lol!

veronica - your realtor's rival furtively puncturing the air mattress is worthy of a movie scene!

Becky - totally agree with you about a positive attitude attracting positive people! But also....I wouldn't say a negative attitude pushes positive people away either - positive people, in my experience, seem to try to encourage positivity in everyone.

I was mad at a few of my friends for a little while, for seemingly "abandoning" me when I started caregiving for my mom. But recently I've realized I've been the one in retreat, sort of pushing them away myself. So I'm trying to make an effort to re-connect. It's challenging to do, 'cause I feel a bit of shame in realizing I'm the one who abandoned them, not the other way around!

Well, speaking of light and positivity, I have enjoyed this sunny window enough for the day, and I guess I better go check on my Ma, lol.

Just wanted to let everyone know my brother that had dementia and catatonic die Friday the 8th. Pray for my strength. Because now I have to deal with this disfunual family, who all had him dead long before death. Just pray my strength in Jesus. Thank You

No goat heads here, Glad, but you never know about idiots jumping on it, Veronica

becky a square inch isn't that bad I guess. I am glad it was not uncomfortable and that your injury was not worse. I agree being negative or otherwise is a choice, and it can be hard work.

I realized why I am so fixated in the process, other than a general interest in ancient/old practices in medicine. My youngest son died from a traumatic brain injury and accompanying brain swelling. They operated trying to relieve pressure, but the damage was too great. We watched the pressure gauge/recording climbing much too high. I spoke to him and said, "G, you can bring it down, you can do it," and it would come down for a while. When we left that night it was reasonable. The next morning, when we returned, I nearly passed out as I saw how high the pressure was then, and I knew he couldn't survive. I have been having flashbacks today. It doesn't go away, even over 15 years later. Just my life now. 

glad - congrats on getting prequalified. I have never been involved in the building of a home either, not have ever wanted to be. It looks like a lot of work!!!! I hear you about commitment! But, I am glad you are comfortable enough about your situation to make that decision. Being settled in your own place is a good thing.

With R now having interviews up here and each one seeming closer to success than the last, things are on hold for a while. I give up trying to plan for now - just have to go with the flow, and get the house sorted.

Inflatable mattresses are great if you don't have goatheads! It worked fine in last location, but here the goatheads got it relatively quickly. Debating on whether to try to patch it or just toss it. I did buy a new queen bed for when kids visit. Probably toss the inflatable. Then buy one more twin bed, I have one for new house.

Am getting ready. Got prequalified, my eyes on a lot, just figure out the builder. I am excited but apprehensive. I have had new homes before but they were alway built before I contracted on them. Ahh, commitment can be a PITA!

Golden when staging just set an inflatable mattress on boxes or 5 gallon buckets. A long bedskirt and pretty cover and pillows make it look normal. It is undetectable unless some idiot jumps on it then they are in for a big surprise.!!! My Realtor had a rival put a hole in one of hers.

Golden, They do shave a spot about 1 square inch. It honestly did not hurt.

Regarding negative: It would be very easy for me to be negative. But I work constantly not to. I think it’s an attitunal situation. Bargaining with oneself. “Susie was mean to me. She made my life miserable. So now I’m going to have it out with her” type thing. At this point I have to make the effort to not jump into being negative. For a long time I struggled, but now I can be positive without a lot of effort.

Being positive yourself attracts positive people into your life.

mally and dori - I am downsizing in prep for moving, so at the most, if I need to fill up a bedroom (lost several beds to the forest fire here in 2016) I will get an inflatable mattress and perch it on something. I understand they dress up quite well.

send - salad days - saw the musical in London several lifetimes ago.

cm - I hadn't heard that Flanders and Swan. They are so funny! I never did get into the Wilders, nor Margaret Atwood for that matter.

becky - did they have to shave hair before drilling? Can't get my mind off that process. Sounds awful.

sharyn - hope you are over the sinus infection

duck - hang in there and keep praying.

stacey - trust all is well and you have had no recurrences of that pain

glad - another cold weekend to cuddle with Ming!

guest - hope the inlaws are coping with their stuff

Still haven't figured out a solution for mother's hearing. I will call her audiologist next week and see if he has any ideas. I got a headset and haven't figured out how to set it up with all the to-ing and fro- ing. May give techie son a call as I have other things I need to concentrate on, namely getting the kitchen back in order and taxes!!!!

The talk about negative parents has me wondering how much is inherited, and how much is learned, and thus can be unlearned. Difficult to separate, I suppose. You would never call my sister negative, but she can lash you with her tongue with the biggest smile on her face.

The ghosts (images) have reappeared as ghosts do. Wonder if I have to drive all night again to get rid of them. Maye the hours of using distance vision, as opposed to close vision, which is what I use most at home, had anything to do with their temporary disappearance. Maybe I need to stare off into the distance more...  Considering the very short night's sleep I had last night, I might fall asleep which would be a good thing. I hate it when I wake early, am just ready to fall back asleep, and those problems surface and want solutions, NOW!

The blip with the real estate guy was a big one, so we are almost back to square one. Oh well. This too will pass.

Take care. all.

Flanders and Swann had a whole song about swearing for juniors - the refrain goes "with a pee po' piddle bum DRAWERS."

Ah those days of happy innocence. And remember Almanzo Wilder getting into such a tangle with his yoke of oxen calves? - until he swore: "Gol ding it!"

You guys....someone else PMed me and remarked on "Holy Doodle".....I have to tell you I didn't even know it was funny! It's a phrase I picked up from a friend's daughters when they were VERY young (just starting school), and they weren't allowed to use real swear words. I've been using it so long that, well.....one daughter is a psych nurse now, and the other is the mother of a 1st grader!

golden, if you DO end up thinking of new beds and don't want to pay a lot....this mattress I bought off Amazon is quite comfortable! I am sitting on it (at my own place, woohoo!) right now. I still can't believe it came all squished up in a box.

Happy weekend, y'all!

Mally,
On the whine thread, it was "salad days".
On this thread it was "Holy Doodle".

So very funny, award winning funny!

Golden, why aren't you buying more beds; everyone else on AC is (me included)!
Have a good night, you all.... someone on the whine thread was very funny tonight, but I forget who it was now... oh, well...

Hi all

Back home after driving all Monday night. I did a couple of hours of driving as R was tired from stuff he had done and hadn't slept well. I was pleased I could drive and my eye didn't bother me. For some unknown reason, it is better - no more ghosts. Go figure. Wonder if the new lens will still work. R is waiting for an offer letter pending reference checks, so it looks good. He has to go back south today and I will stay put. He was up patching dry wall and crown molding before breakfast this morning. I am still not caught up on sleep.

Speaking of light, in the coming spring light, and as a result of the water leak and drywall removal/repairs, I am seeing dust everywhere and it is driving me nuts. I had just moved a lot of papers onto the kitchen table before the leak started. Fortunately, I was able to cover most of them. I need to get downsized and decluttered seriously, so cleaning is easier. If R gets this job, we will stay here another ~ 2 years and will take some winter breaks. Time to be ruthless again. I know I have said that before and not made much headway. The ice cream maker went out a week ago. That's some progress. He has one bedroom partially set up now, and will move a dresser downstairs, so I can finish that room and get rid of extra bed linens etc. It's an antique oak dresser, and he says he wants to reglue, and refinish it. Works for me! The other two bedrooms will be set up very simply, one as an office and one not sure yet. I am not buying more beds!

Blips with the real estate guy and some missing documents. Hopefully getting it straightened out.

Family puzzles - I think we have lost so many pieces, it will never come together.

Hope everyone is recovering, doing well, surviving and all that good stuff. Be good to you. I plan on a hot bath and an early night. 🛀 💤

Whoops, posted that twice!

Becky - yes, I think that describes my mom's side of the family. Negative, critical, kind of self-centered....very untrusting of other people. And mom always complicated things with lies, secrets, cover-ups. Don't tell your grandad this, don't tell your brother that, don't tell your aunt ANY of this, and don't tell anyone, anywhere, ever, about anything that goes on inside the family. I had a very upfront conversation with mom when she moved here, about how I stopped living that way a long time ago, and how I wasn't going to engage in the game of lies and secrets just because she was here now.

Sharyn - I do think the negativity was learned from mom's father, so definitely similar. He was just....I mean, if there was ever a narcissist in the family, it was him! So sorry you're still dealing with a sinus infection, those are awful! Last one filled me up to my ears!

So in the theme of "light" and "honesty"....one of the things I loved about my dad and stepmom was that there was no pussyfooting around the truth! And that they always let me be me - encouraged it, even - and it was such sweet, sweet relief. Really, it amazes me that I didn't understand till now why I settled so near them....I always wondered if I was just playing it "safe" by not moving back to the big city. Now I don't think that was it at all.

Best guy friend asked me recently if I thought my parents would've stayed together, if not for the drinking. But I am pretty sure they were opposite ends of the personality spectrum and would never have survived one another, with or without alcohol!  Plus....I just don't even know who I'd be if it wasn't for my stepmom - the shiniest light of them all. 

Gosh, pieces of the family puzzle never stop coming together, do they?

Sweet dreams to all, and to all a good night!