The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hi All, just got caugh tup on some reading here, and Wow, so many going through so Much, I'm so sorry!

Just a quick update on me, well not a whole lot going on her, my washer broke, so a new washer/dryer set is being delivered this morning. We've been active with our Grandsons quite a bit these past 2 weeks, as their Mommy has been busy setting up a new business, so that has been fun being with them!

Not a lot to report on any other home reno's, except that I bought material to recover the 10 pillows that came with my living room furniture, for that POP of color, so I'll be getting to that soo, plus another couple of craft projects too!

I'm heading out on a trip here in a couple of hours, to Laughlin Nevada with my BIL, my eldest sister was unable to go, so I jumped at the chance! It's a 4 day gambling junket, and will be super fun to get away, but the only trouble is that this BIL Never stops talking! Lol! He's quite opinionated regarding his political views, and about investing money, and he can drone on so! I love him though, he's been in my life since I was 10, and is a real character! He also looks Exactly like Tom Petty, and he gets stopped wherever he goes, it's hysterical!

I hope you all are doing well, and Wish me luck! Take Care, Stace

Aw glad, thanks. Hubs went to doctor to check neck and tissue. No effects, lack of warning meant no tension. Car being fixed is great! That’s the one with bigger loan balance...Son got Job!! Will be helping set up and tear down displays and AV work at university conference center. Finally getting some of the work study financial aid money for expenses. Some good this week!

Hi all....sorry I haven't read yet. Just totally exhausted now. Bruce the kitten came home around 4:30. Details in the Caregivers' Cats thread. He was so happy we snuggled tight for awhile, and then we fell asleep till 10. It's 2 AM and I am just waiting for the last load of laundry.

This week has been a bust for keeping up on my schedule of chores at mom's.  I got mom to dialysis and did all the shopping and other errands.  But I didn't do the Tuesday cleaning because....I was at my apartment waiting for one of those compressed boxed mattresses to be delivered.  Which never got delivered till Wednesday (my landlord intercepted them so I didn't have to pick it up, thank goodness). I ordered it b/c my old lumpy mattress left my injury site in agony after the weekend at home.

Wednesday was a bust because of Bruce, and then I had a terrible headache and neckache all night last night and all morning today, from crying and making myself all tense and stuffy! Today was a bust - I had originally planned to do the Tuesday cleaning today, but for Bruce getting sick.  It is laundry day and I DID get all the laundry done. But I discovered mom had thrown her Depends in the wash....AFTER I ran that load. So the washer was filled with wet white pulp and I had to pull part of the washer apart and clean THAT out.  Plus I got the cat litter changed and the garbage all ready to go.  So eff the rest of the cleaning, is how I feel right now.

Is it ok if I don't fold mom's laundry tonight? I'm hoping home support will do it in the morning, and if not, mom can still manage laundry folding. Why do I feel guilty for leaving a dumb basket of clean, unfolded laundry on the dining table??? WHY?

I'm scared of someone thinking I'm lazy, I guess that's why.  I left the antibiotics box on the counter so home support would see it in the morning and know something happened, and not think I was just laying around being lazy.  Isn't that dumb?  I'm scared of being judged by home support....who are supposed to be here to HELP!

Ugh, Golden! Leaky pipes, nothing worse. Had something similar happen to me years ago. I was sitting at the kitchen table studying for an exam. All of the sudden the ceiling started dripping. It was a newer home too!

Dori, so the kitty is still with the vet, I imagine. Poor thing, they do not understand. How do kitties contract acute pancreatitis?

Sharyn, snow sculptures and carnival sounds fun, wear your warm socks!

Guest, did hubs get sore from the accident? Is it good the car is not totaled? The last time mine was hit, it was parked. A teenager and girlfriend driving up the street, just not paying attention to what they were supposed to be paying attention to. It was a relatively new car and a 5k repair bill. Fixing cars very costly!

Dori and Golden, kitty's being prayed for here; neighbor situation, too.... God bless you all!

Oh, sorry Golden. Not fun or a good day with intrusive neighbor too! At least it was caught before it became worse. With homes, it’s always something. Glad R is there.

Dori, sorry to hear about Bruce. I hope it’s a one time issue. Poor kitty!

Not much going on here. Hubs wants to go to McCall tomorrow to their yearly winter carnival with snow sculptures. Should be interesting.

This is NOT my day!!! R went up to have a bath, and suddenly I had a shower over the stove. A drainpipe is leaking. I have cleaned up the chunks of wet drywall that he cut out over the stove, some of which are moldy, so this leak has been going on for a while. Aaaargh! It means he will need to cut a hole in the bedroom wall backing on the bathroom,also, as there never was an access panel there. Wondering what the next thing will be. Oh well! We were going to paint the house before sale, anyway. At least he is here to fix it.

Hey all, just a quick post in answer. Kitten has acute pancreatitis, not a flu or anything. I posted about it yesterday in the Caregivers' Cats Behaving Badly thread if you want to know more about what happened. On my way to visit him at the vet right now.

duck - I am so happy you are going for intake. I hope it will be great for you. Sorry to hear about your cousin and the ca. I think the x corrections officer has a good idea. It is good to have something else to focus on when you are in a situation you can't change.

dori - so sorry your fur baby is sick. I hope he gets better very quickly They are so small and vulnerable.

smesh - people here get a lot of support. I know I have. If someone hasn't been through what you and the rest of us have been, and are going through, they don't understand. Here you will get understanding. Dysfunctional families are so stressful. You need to do some good things for you in order to survive. Caregiving is an exhausting job. (((((((hugs))))))

cm - the coldest has been about minus 56 out at the plant site. In town, occasionally, in the minus 40s, and regularly in the minus 30s. Without the wind, as it used to be, it was much more tolerable. With the wind, it is wicked and I stay inside. I am glad your lovely neighbour has a good plan for herself. She does have some serious health issues. Does that mean her house will go up for sale? What happened to her companion? I must have missed something.

glad - it is such a nasty flu. 106 temp is scary. I hope that young person will be OK. R never gets flu, but is still coughing from this one, though it doesn't slow him down from working outside.

guest - good news from the body shop. Hope your hub and the others aren't suffering physically in any way. " they will never talk until it's crisis and then they'll be upset it's a crisis" - yes, so well said, it makes me laugh. It is as plain as the noses on our faces to us. Denial is a powerful thing.

Well, talking of neighbours, guess who turned up at the door again, just hours after R got here via taxi from the bus depot, as his car is out of commission for the long drive right now. She came to the door with an envelope which had "Please Read" written on it, which I refused to accept. Then she started asking what my problem was with her, explaining that she saw my parcels on the porch, and so on. I cut her off and told her to not come on my property, repeated it several times, and finally she went away. Do you suppose that she is watching us? The first time she turned up with the parcels, she had to have been watching to see when we got back. Is it a coincidence that she turned up for the first time in weeks just hours after R got here? R was asleep downstairs, as he came up on the midnight express, and has an interview this afternoon. I don't know what is going on, but it all smells very fishy, and I doubt it is over yet. She was going to put the envelope in the mail box if I had not answered the door. Probably the next thing will be a mailed envelope as she knows my address. These people are very persistent, and totally not respectful of boundaries. They make me very uncomfortable. Prayers please if anyone does pray, for this to be over. It did not make my day.

CM, glad it sounds like neighbor is moving into better care and more accepting.
Dori, I'm with glad - hope kitten is ok. There are notices posted in pet stores in my area about canine influenza outbreak...
thanks again re the accident good thoughts for husband. Body shop called, neither car will be totaled. Now hubs is talking about going out to help brother clean out his shop and talk about the FIL/MIL. *just kidding - they will never talk until it's crisis and then they'll be upset it's a crisis*

Dori, hope kitten is on the mend. Ming was so sick when I adopted her I wondered if she would make it and if I had done the right thing to adopt her.

What is Bruce (right?) Sick with? Is there a feline flu version? Flu cases decreasing steadily here since height in December. Someone at work has a young relative that spiked a 106 temp yesterday but was holding down some water. At what point do doc's decide to hospitalize?

CM, great news about your neighbor. Is the bone infection osteomyelitis?

-40. Good grief, Golden. I'll stop moaning now.

Quick update on my neighbour, J. Dropped in on her briefly yesterday afternoon. Delighted to find her out of bed, dressed in day clothes and sitting in a chair. I'd interrupted a gathering of the whole clan: her son has arrived from Australia and is staying with her MS daughter; plus D, daughter in charge, was there too.

What is it with children when they will gladly talk to each other, to visitors, to nurses - to anyone except the mother who is the topic of conversation and is sitting right there?
But I think J is very used to it and not especially bothered.

She had had an echocardiogram earlier on, they were waiting for the report on that to finalise her discharge plan. Her care home place is reserved, it's a question of whether she needs to recuperate more first in a smaller community hospital. One thing I hadn't known about is that there is drain in her thigh as part of treatment for a chronic bone infection following hip replacement. I'd known about the infection before - goodness it was a saga - but hadn't realised it was still ongoing. There is skilled nursing available at the home D has chosen but I'm not sure if they'll be prepared to handle this on top of her cardiology needs - I assume that's what is still under discussion.

Now that she is so much better J seems to be facing up to not going home philosophically enough. She's not happy about it, why should she be, but she's not arguing either, and there've been no more alarming accusations. As long as that continues next time I'll bring up that it would be pretty lonely being stuck in the bungalow on her own - nice neighbours and good care, sure, but she's used to having someone there 24/7 and she'd hate being literally on her own in the house.

So! It's all going well, touch wood. What a fighter she is! - never to be written off :)

I am really glad I found this place, it is a relief to me to read all of your posts and to have a place to vent as needed. i thank you all for your edification. I can tell that there are a lot of good hearted people around and that is so refreshing. I am grateful.

Just a fly-by hello. Beloved kitten is very sick and overnighting at vet - no emotional energy left to even read. Big hugs to all!

Wooo!!!! Huuuu!!! Going to do intake next week. They are working on the fee, seems it will be afordable. I am nevous with anticipation and happy at the same time, I can't wait.

Got call from my cousin on way to work. That is Sham, her cancer markers went up after two weeks of chemo (pills) This is like a fourth bout with ca for her. For some reason this time when she told me it was like a blow to my heart, it bought tears to my eyes. They last time was in august when the family except for my twisted and nephews got together at cityisland one of my sons plans to gather family before he left for korea. That time I was angry. I felt like hasnt she been through enough.I had dreamt abnout her and her oldest daughter who is 18 haveing a fight and that that daughter told me she was pregnant and due on 10/31. Turns out that it was Shams sister preganant and that was her exact due date.
I was already feeling a little down. sometimes this situation with my twisted and her son hurt my heart. I dont understand it and then I start thinking hard about the things she and my mother have done and said to me, its like I cant stop the thoughts. I pray forget but its life it happended. I wonder what force generated this ugliness between us and how. I cant fix it. Then I dont want it to beat me. Then I cant fight it because I dont even know what it is and I know its something I have to leave in God's Hands. So right now I am just in a beat myself up mode, thinking how messed up I am, rethinkiing all my bad moves and decisison and what I could have done better.'
I ran into a neighbor this am on way home. He is an x correction officer. But he was saying how you see more and more homeless sleeping in the subway. Men who hang out in front of liquor store and then see them sleeping in subway. He like its a sign of bad times. Then no sympathy, like these guys messed up their lives and now they beg and harrasss us to take care of them and get mad. Its true some do but I think of some of the stuff I have lived and boy oh boy not to mention stories I have heard in ER, things I havee seen and heard in my profession and I cant help but feel a little sympathy for some becaues I know I havent walked in there shoes and there but for the grace of God goes I. These guys have a scheme, a plan, a play that they give in begging for money. some are obvious tricks. They go from levels of whatever and any change to a dollar to by food, soap, a carepackage for their sick mother. it goes on. Then you have these kids working up these fabulous dance moves to hustle money who knows what is going on with them. But I listened to my neightbor and it was like he had no sympathy they did this to themselves and soon they would turn on us and he was ready for them. It just made me sad.
But he hit on something that a few of the wise posters threw at me. He is in classes, he said you have to have a hobby or something else to do to keep your sanity other than working and looking at tv. I have been feeding on that thought for a while. So I thought I can make this therapy a hobby till I find something. In my thinking I realized my motivation to get up when I am off is what I am going to cook, what dish can I make for us today and that is so sad. At one time I thought it was okay.

Anyways, I cannot wait for this dag on therapy to start!!!!

Golden, those temperatures you have been mentioning sound scary. You must have some awesome outwear to stay warm just to get in and out of car. It turned real cold her in NY a mere 18 and 22 degrees must be like a sauna to you. But funny thing is when I was younger we would get at leat a - 2 or -3 degreess not even mention windchill factor, and this is the coldest winter I can remeber in many years. But I'd rather do cold anytime then heat.

I wish you all rays of light love and peace.

smesh - welcome! I am sorry about your absentee sibs. It is not rare to hear about such things on this website. Your mum must really miss them. And I know it is hard to be the only one doing the caregiving. You can't make up for them. It is what it is, unfortunately. I hope you can take some time for yourself. Looking after parents is a big job. (((((hugs))))

guest - less damage is great news. No doubt hub was freaked by the accident. Hope son does well on the interviews. Narcissism at its best! Not "I am glad you are OK," but, "Will this get in the way of you helping me?" Ugh!

Another cold day with big windchill. R has an interview tomorrow, so he will be up despite not quite being over the flu. It would be nice if he got this one. I had another call about the cottage lot, and the gal made an offer much closer to what I want. I will sit on it for a couple of days and then counter offer. I am sure it is the same gal from last spring who wanted to buy it, build a house, then sell. She would make a decent profit, especially since she is a realtor herself. Looking good - I think we can sell it this time. One more step to moving towards a place further south. The difference in temperatures between here and there is significant and the winter is about a month shorter. I could handle that after ~40 years in the north. :)

Thanks for good thoughts yesterday. Car is MUCH less damaged than dramaking husband made it out to be, but I'll take the less bad situation! Son has interviews today and Friday for work study and FIL and MIL have been updated on car accident yesterday. Their only question was whether it would be a problem for husband to help FIL go to a follow up appointment for cataract surgery. Dysfunction junction as ever. I'm just glad that I'm busy at my jobs. Peace out and love to all of you.

smesh that;s why I was drawn and so thankful for the forum. Welcome aboard keep posting . there is a weath of help here. Beatiful folk to be found. with wisdom esperience and good hearts. Just keep venting. Hang in there.

I am the youngest of 6, with my oldest brother deceased. I moved my parents here with me several years ago to help them, because they were just vegetating and doped up where they were. After bringing them here their meds were adjusted and they had a better quality of life and got to live it again. Since moving them here my 2 sisters and 2 brothers refuse to speak to my Mom. One of my brothers calls her every once in a great while but does not visit her. They all live in different states, and she writes them letters every so often proclaiming her love, and asking why they no longer speak to her and get no responses. Its so sad. It leaves me feeling as if I must make up for all of them with her. She doesn't make me feel that way, I just feel so bad because I can't comprehend their hatefulness. Dysfunction....Every family has it I suppose

Guest, glad hubby okay.

Today or tomarrow is my grandmothers birthday.I think its strange that I read a post that brings me to talk about my gm and its her birthday. So Im moved to expand our relationship. She was known to have the prettiiest legs in my hometown. She had one sister who had 12 children and they were all very close still are. My son's grandfather used to be crazy about her. You know the south, im giving him my history my fathers's family is very large there and then we get to my mother's mother and He says girl I was almost your grandfather. I told my gm and she was tickeled to death and said she was always scared of him. Anyways I used to avoid being home on holidays I would do the shopping and decorations and cleaning and it was stressful not tomention a farce to me this family love thing so I liked to work. One year my grandmother called and sang happy birthday to me on my job in the ER. Then another time she told me my mother was sad because I was never there on the holiday. (I should have left it that way) I didnt even realize that I didnt think anyone cared becuase I dint get happy birthdays and she got the number to the job and called. It made my day. It became a tradition me her and this Aunt T always called and acutally sang the whole dang happy birthday song. By the way the arugment me and T had was around this time of year and when my birthday came she broke tradition and I left it like that. So my grandmther now up in age we are close now because I gave her the real rundown on my aunt who was in a coma and that if she came home she would not be the same. I also told her that it would not be good for her to go to hospital. Especialy after see my mother. When I said this there was no question in my mind that it would take her out. She still had the option and I am glad she did not have to live with that memory because it was not a good one. She had a heartattack and was in hospital for a good while when my aunt went in to cardiac arrest after shock from bleeding. She stayed in a coma for over a year. When It first happen they thought she was not going to make it through the night. Aunt t just called causlly and said she had gone into cardiac arest not knowing what it meant. I was working EMS at the time. When we finally tacked her down it broke my heart to see how my mother fell into that bed and wheened and groaned it was bad. It scared me. I had never seen her so broke up and freely greiving. I stayed with her that night, in my heart she would not be alone. In visiting and the stress my grandmother didnt bath and I told my mother she should bathe her mother she said you do it. I did. Durring wake a funneral I spent the night with my grandmother, I rocked her as she quitely cried. And I told her the truth in a nice way. Then after that I mistakenly spilled the beans about a surprise gathering and this auntT said I had a big mouth she didnt say it was a surprisse. We always talkeed and if she asked I would tell her the truth who was coming what was going on. We'd laugh about it. she was blind so I was her eyes. I started calling her grandmamaa and she loved it and I loved it. When I gave up my car becuase of old tickets and sabatoge by my mother. I stopped dropping by all the time. Before no matter where I was I would swing by and see my gm. or get whoever was driving to stop for a minute. Towards the end I would listen to these fabulous dreams she had and when I did visit have to feel in her mouth to see tooth that was bothering her and stuff like that. When I was driving, I would drive south yearly or for funerals, she turned me on to coffee for those long trips. She kinda pointed out how drove and it was a complement. We talked about things, we laughted a lot on the phone late at night. Movies that cracked e up craked her up. One more thing, well I dance and I used to do this special move that I swing my leg out in a dance called the hustle. Well the last time she danced she was doing the swing with this aunt t leading and did this fancy move with the leg and my a jaw dropped. Well here is the topper. My oldest grand who does not dig me too much, when she was about 1 was showing me how she dance. She was in one place doing happy feet I guess. In my head im like what in the World is she doing. Just as im beginning to be like enough this girl stopped pit patting in one spot and slid her leg out and bought it back real slow a lot like my gm;s move. I was floored. whoo hawing and all. Towards the end my Aunt T used to harass my mother becaues she was doing everytthing alone. My mother one tell me stuff and just as i am about to tell this aunt about herself and leave my mother out her mouth they would be on the phone laughing. and I am ready to strangle this aunt. My gm spoiled her. she did not raise my mother. Even though I felt my mother could participate more I respected that she couldnt for what ever reason just like my father. Some times I feel I have that in me. I dont want to see my mother sometimes, it hits a core in my heart to see her sometimes. Most times I can baby talk her and fast talk her and west indian accent her and we can laugh. But I can in someway understnd why she was not active in her own mother descent.
Well God Bless my Grandmamaa, I loved her and still do.

Well the forum is for venting. thanks for baring up with me. I know I am all over the place. I dont plan what I post. I post from my heart and I am so glad I was able to speak my heart today on my Grandmamaa's birthday.

She died 11/2011 and I almost left here a month later with that horendous cough that turned into pnemonia. I got some details a little mixed because this aunt was in hopstial twice. Both times she almost didnt make it and the first time her kidney function went and she ended up on dialysis. The second time she stopped breathing in cab to hospital.
maybe I needed to relive this. I vented. Thanks for letting me vent.
Happy Birthday Lilamae my grandmamaa

CM congratualations on the great niece. I can understand your stand. I did the same thing when my newest cousinn came into the world. The daughter of my oldest aunt who is deceased. She had two girls. We grew up like sisters. Her, my twested and my youngest aunt and me.When we first moved to NY we all lived together. Then we moved three blocks away. A lot of ugly words passed between me and the Aunt T. She is just like my mother and sister. I used to always say they were just alike and Me and the oldest Aunt were the nice ones. I cried hard at my Grandmothers death bed and her funeral. Her birthday is today or tomarrown by the way. Well I didnt have a grandmother growng up. I called her by her first name no grandma. I used to not like her growing up sometimes. she lived on the fifth floor and when she babysat us she would always send me to the store and keep the sausage or food my mother sent for us and give us the welfare canned meat (which was acutally kinda good) my oldest aunt was 2yrs older and the young one T is two years younger the same as my sister. this aunt threw clorox at my mother and sister one day when they went to visit my grandmother and the oldest cousin Sha who is in third or fourth bout with ca broke her leg trying to get to aunt T. As a child she had a foul mouth and would say things about my mother and father and sometimes I would just attack her when I couldnt take it anymore. She is a good chain puller. So the last time she pulled my chain it was an unholy perspective of why I cried so hard when my grandmother died. she called me a lot of B's when I asked if she thought she was the guru on aging because she cared for my grandmother when she said mymother didnt have dementia. She treated my grandmother bad. Sometimes I hated to call because I had to go throuh her and one day I had to call and tell her to take my grandmother to the hospital because she was wheezing, I asked my grandmother if she had a baby in the room the wheezes sounded like a baby. She was afraid to say she needed to go to hosopital because of this aunts tiriads. so in this agrument she called me a lot of b's and had the nerve to say I cried hard over my grandmother becuause i was guilty. I told her she could never touch our relationship and when she went there I saw my mothre and my twisted and her as the grand narcissists and made decision to stay clear of her. Its more to the story not to add that the niece who has cancer has 5 children and when she refused chemo because she was pregnant told her ugly things and that she was not hgoing to take care of her kids. And she already only allowed one over and treated the others bad. She told the younger niece the one who just had a baby that if she went to the sister wedding she would put her out so the Shar didnt go to her sistesrs wedding. So Shar just had the cutest baby boy he must be about 3 months now. I sent money. I will not set foot in T's house she took over my grandmothers aprartment. She has these dogs that she treat like humans. And has the nerve to bringthem to events where and place her self at an entrance with the food and water bowl where people have to step ove the dogs. Its so agravating. ANyways I truly understand where you were coming from in your post CountryMouse.

Golden, I am glad you are well on the mend. I am sure my perception or review would be respected professionally as far as my mother is concerned. Which is why kept reporting concerns to md. And thanks Golden because as I typed that last sentence I got answer to my delima. To call MD and explain that my mother is a high risk for fall and therefor brain injury due to the fact that she does not eat properly, poor vision, poor judgement and is up and down stairs regullary rummaging through things and that she slipped last week. thank you. I dont need to frustrate my self with my sister, Just voice my concerns to her MD. Now that was a light bulb moment for me. :)

Ouch, guest, that's a fairly hard hit. Hope hubby doesn't start aching. I am glad you have gap insurance. Son will probably be more gracious.

Limit on the road with no stop sign is 35, but you're coming downhill and frequently I've seen people I know were probably doing 50. It's just one thing after another. We have gap insurance, so that's one less headache....but son will now be able to give his father every bit as much grief over the car accident as father has given son for the last 8 months...no idea about airbag. But husband said he's worried that his car at least is totalled. Hit him hard enough on front driver's side that it spun him 180 degrees and bounced him onto opposite curb.

g;ad - teenager was my first thought. Good for her!!! Something to be proud of.

cm - I used to have those straight, but ex is native and everyone who isn't a sib or a parent is an aunty/uncle or a cousin, so I gave up. Poor son - at least he wasn't hurt.

guest - Oh no! So glad he is OK and the others are, at least for now. Sun in the eyes is a bad one. There are spots coming up the hill to home, certain times of day, when I drive in faith that everything is where it was (relatively speaking) when I last saw them.

"It was a light-coloured car" - that is *definitely* going in my collection.

I sympathise about the low sun in these months, I must say. But I must also say that my response to "can't see a f***in' thing for [beep]'s sake!" is to curse a lot and shade my eyes, even if it makes pulling away slower and less elegant than usual. It is not to carry on regardless and hope they've got good brakes.

What are the speeds like on that road? Anyone's airbag go off?

He is ok. Other driver said they are ok, but that can change overnight when endorphins wear off and people start to hurt. He pulled out in front of other driver from stop sign and they have right of way. Hard to argue, CM...but the sun in the east was in his eyes and they were light car and hard to see....etc.

Oh Guest. Oh *dear*. But no one hurt, I hope?

He admitted it was his fault? Goodness! That's not very Y-chromosome of him! I was vastly entertained when son wrote off his cherished, almost brand new, bright red Renault Mégane and

he wasn't going too fast
there was sand on the road
the bend was sharper than indicated
there seemed to be an odd camber to the surface
he hadn't been expecting the armoured cars to be patrolling that morning

He'd called the car Tomas, short for tomato. Well now it was a squashed Tomas-to.

Ah, guest, husbands and car wrecks!