The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

*sigh*. Husband had a wreck at the end of our street this morning. His fault. year still sucks.

Oh, CM, I had to read this post and the previous one of yours to figure out what you meant. I knew the first time I read it in the night. You are fine. I had to try to go back to sleep. It was like 1:00 am here. Had I been more awake maybe I would have read the wrong way.

D'oh! - I've just reread my post - when I said "as you were" I meant as in the military parade order, I did not mean that you too had been dithering. It's still quite early in the morning here... sorry!

I like that you're excited for singing sprog regardless, I feel the same. Lovely Nephew 1 has just had his first baby, a girl, and I mind that I can't just drop in to see them but it's not worth risking a close encounter with the grandparents. I've sent a couple of Tiny Garments, as my mother used to call her knitted baby gifts, instead.

Yes, CM I think she is that age, teens and at that age they just are not impressed by anything. Though the years go by so quickly she may be just ten, twelve? I really have no clue. This is auntie dearest's granddaughter. Still limiting contact. Probably always will have to to protect myself. I just cannot forget the treatment of me by her or the twisteds. They rarely cross my mind these days. That is a good thing.

Thank you, Glad! - you've made me look it up, something I've been "meaning to do" for decades. There's are some very good charts online, so I can now confirm that yes your cousin's daughter is your first cousin once removed. Whereas before I'd have been dithering between that and second cousin. As you were!

Is she of an age where she can allow nothing to impress her, because that is The Law? It's one of those teenage characteristics that makes you have to agree that youth is wasted on the young, isn't it? I'd be excited too :)

First cousin, once removed is performing with a regional kids choir during pregame Sunday. Very excited for her, but I got the impression she is not impressed. That is my cousin's daughter isn't it?

duck - I honestly don't know what you can do about the services your mother was supposed to have. It seems to me that would fall under health, so is up to your sister. I guess you can document what is happening, and make copies of what you find and share them with her doctor. As a medically trained person, are you a mandated reporter?

becky - thinking of you and sending prayers for peace and comfort. (((((hugs)))))

duck - glad you had a good weekend. Hope therapy gets sorted out soon. The coughing fits must be very scary. It is good you can enjoy your mother some times. Those are precious. 

dori - so glad you had a good weekend. It is just what you needed, and a hair cut too. I hope your mum adjusts. I give myself time out like that sometimes too. I have to with the CFS/FM.

sharyn - coloured and highlighted too! Yay! Work being slow is nice for the time off, but not nice when you get your paycheck. You are busy with the boys. So glad to hear that E is benefitting from preschool. That is awesome!

ali - take it easy, girl. Working in your feet then hauling furniture!!! I am glad you made progress. Hope you aren't too wiped tonight.

Had my final post cataract examination today, and it was dreadful cold weather to go out in again. Minus 5 F this afternoon felt tropical. The good news is that everything is healing well, my vision is good, and, the ghost images are due to an uncorrected astigmatism. My updated prescription will fix that.Yay!!!! I will buy a cheap back-up pair online. The less than stellar news is that, if I had known, I could have paid extra for a better lens (the one he put in my eye) that would have corrected the astigmatism, which would make my glasses simpler, and allow me to see better without them. Had anyone told me, I would have done that. Not impressed!

People are still talking about the fire and evacuation, and, more than anything, how well we all were treated during evac.

I tried weaning myself totally off the FM drug, but had some serious muscle soreness the past few days after my exercises, though only in the shoulder and neck area, so I will take the reduced amount every second day, and see if that works. It would be great to be off it altogether.

Seeing the bank lady tomorrow about mortgages, and also about financial POA arrangements, so I know what I am getting my kids into, and so I can make it as easy as possible for them.

Only a few more weeks of real winter, and the days are getting longer. That's great!!! Have a good nightr everyone.

I just opened my mothers mail with approvals for care which were outdated. I noticed one =was for skilled nursing 3hrs. She had a nurse interview for evaluation so I guess that was that one. She also had one for physical therapy which I know she didnt get. and 1 paper had 40 and the other had 48 for home health aide. The dates of services have passed They were for 1/03 - 1/18 . I do not know what is going on but I know my mother is not getting these services. I am not even clear myself about the services or how it works. But I do know that one has to be on top of the situation calling almost harassing the providers for information and service. Looks like its not happening. Any advice on how to bring this up to my sister? Please.

Also months ago as I was cleaning I came acrosss on old bill it looked new and was a large amount due. I paniced and in so doing called my nephew to see if he was paying this bill as he had started taking my mothter to the bank. (I told her I wouldnt do it anymore because she kept acusing me of stealing money from her and her accounts) It wass a good converstation where my nephew said he was on top of the bills. I read the bills out and also mention if he was on top of taxes on properties. He said yes. I called and they were paid up. Final notices for those taxes were also in the mail. It would be nice if we could designate an area where my mothers bills and mail could be placed and all have access. I opened mail because I am left out of the loop and its the only way I know really whats going on. Like with the bills and all. I am fine with my nephew as far as that is concerned. I think he is trustworthy. But he follows his mother and that could lead to further havoc in regards to her manipulation. Alsos I dont have a clue as to power of attorney. I dont think that has been done or my nephew would not be doing the bills. I think it was just he heatlh care proxy as that was just a matter of signing in front of md. I am trully clueless in these matters. Her meal on wheel recert is due in march and most of the infor will be reavealed then. I want to communicate that it seems that my mother is not getting care and services she is entitled to and that twisted need to be agreessive in getting care and check and learning services.

Becky, I'm also thinking about you at this time, and thinking of Pam's great example of how to handle the business of dying. :-( It's very bittersweet knowing her story the past couple months but I'm so glad you shared about her. That's real strength and grace.

...

Hey all, I'm back to work at cafe today after some days off. I don't feel great but I'll be alright, I think. New mattress comes on Wednesday and today's persistent back pain is reminding me that I have to do SOMETHING, so hope the mattress plus other changes will help.

I got ambitious Friday afternoon/eve, and then again for many hours on Saturday, and tackled the wreck that has been my living room of the past 4 months. Now the living room is mostly put away and the dining and bedroom are wrecked from the overflow of things I want to get rid of. Hahahaha! But it is progress and I'm glad.

Oh. That's also why my back hurts so much today! Light bulb just went off. Yes, the current mattress is bad but I worked like a crazy woman dismantling shelves and moving furniture, etc. lol Glad to get the lion's share of the work remaining done. I LIKE coming home to a comfortable and inviting space. I'm Chinese Year of the Rabbit, a nester supreme. ;-)

Have a great week, all. (((hugs)))

Becky, use the time to rest and recover. Your family and you deserve it.

Dori, glad your weekend was great! A hair cut can make a big difference in how we feel. Your mom will probably be confused for a while.

I had my hair hair colored and highlighted on Friday. Worked the rest of the weekend. It is so slow right now, we finished everything 30 minutes early yesterday and went home. Hours get cut when it’s like this, ugh!

Dd and one of her bff’s from California are at a Scentsy event today. They introduce all the new items for 2018. We have the boys all day. They are being really good. E is playing a lot more with his brother. Pre school has done wonders for his speech and social skills. I’m so happy for him!!

I hope everyone is well this week. Stacey, how are you? How are the house Renos coming along?

Thinking about you, Becky. Hope you are doing ok today. (((((hugs)))))

Well, mom is a quite a bit confused today, which I think is because of me going home for the weekend. Hoping once it becomes a routine she will start to go with the flow, as it happened with the home support schedule. Yikes.

On the other hand, I had a lovely weekend. My friend cut my hair Saturday morning (how amazing that feels after 14 months of no haircuts!), but that's about the most I did. Otherwise I played with the cats, read a book (I can't remember the last time I got to laze around and read a book!), and watched the entirety of Stranger Things 2 on Netflix.

How was everyone else's weekends?

I'm very sorry to hear about Pam, Becky. My goodness that lady had all her ducks in a row, didn't she? Her thoughtfulness avoided so many of the common problems, but of course there's nothing at all anyone can do about how much you will all miss her.

I love the hug from the lady from backwoods Maine anecdote. "Handsome is as handsome does" eh? - and how sweet of her to pay Jay that real compliment.

Aww Becky. I am so sorry for you and your family's loss. I know you were expecting it, but it doesn't make it hurt less. (((((big hugs)))))

I have mostly caught up. I got a lot accomplished downstairs at my mother. I have this turmoil sometimes when I look at her and all I see is this frail, sweet woman I am losing. It becomes overwhelming and I realize how it beats me down. I think of recent posts and the united effort to keep a loved one happy and peaceful toward the end. I think how much easier it would be on us all if we were a united front instead of blaming and whatever is at the root of what motivates my sister. I felt so guilty about just leaving stuff knowing it wasnt going to get done. So I just went on and did a thorough clean.

Acutally I got some motivation from a book (the Alchemist) where there was a statement to the effect of when we clean things we clean our minds. So as I cleaned I thought about how its needed always has been and what makes my crazy butt think its going to change.
A woman I see regularly in laundry, lost her mother and I felt it hard. I cant help but look at her and think that one day she will be gone.
I work nights and years ago. It would feel good to call my mother at 3am because I knew she was up all night. At first I could just tell her about the night and then I would most times end up almost yelling in phone for something off the wall or a funky accusation out the blue.
I realize I get my need to feed people from her. She makes plates for 5 people out of a meal sometimes. Its nothing I can do about it because she be on a mission. I guess not so hungry. Other times she sitts and eat and still other times I have to spoon feed her.
We had a good weekend. The guy came and tightened up the table.
Things were good and sometimes my mother flips back in her old self. With accusations. Today I left for work with her yelling at me to give her her envelope. Naturally it had money in it. I am waiting for the day when my sister realizes that the things she feed on was dementia becaue my mother was always accusing me of going into her bank account and trying to take the house. I still feel guilty when some one loses something or missing something I feel like its my fault or I am relieved that I was not arroung twhen it happended. So That envelope thing took me to a dark place in myself.

I still havent heard any thing a bout the therapy.

My hat off to all caregivers. There are some posters whose life and mother was so similar to mine it made me feel normal and hopeful because they seemed to be alright.

Im taking the Cq10 and feel a little more upbeat. I had setback with heavy coughing and phlem when the people used oven and the burning accumulation in oven. Then the chemicals as I cleaned the trash cans. I have masks now to keep and wear whenever I am near an iritant. It becomes a little traumatic for me because when I cough like that sometimes I cant even catch my breath, and it leads to retching and I have some really scary moments. Before the pnemonia I had constant cough and just got used to it. What makes it worse is that I smoke when its not bothering me. I am much better now.

Well I am on for four 12hr nights straight. So I plan to get back into posting. Meanwhile rays of light peace and love to you all.

Becky so sorry for your loss. ((((HUGS))))) to you and Jay. I was very saddened as I caught up and learned this news and the love and support that reigned throughout was a most beautiful way to have an ending. God bless you all. Pat sounds like she was was a most awesome woman.

becky - lovely story about jay and that family, and also him bringing steaks and all over for you and family. Very nice, and I bet he is a great cook. You may find you are quite tired for a while. Be sure to get enough rest. Hope you all got some sleep last night.

madge - pancakes sound great.

After extolling the benefits of online shopping for seniors, I got a box of groceries which, obviously, had been dropped, was water stained, had a torn corner, and in which was a jar of sauerkraut which was smashed. W*lm*rt was great about a refund after I sent photos. In fact, they refunded me for the 2 jars, but I corrected that. Now I have a mess to clean up, but am waiting for it to dry more before I deal with it. Bubble wrap, sauerkraut and broken glass aren't a great mixture, though the bubble wrap helps with the glass shards, and the cardboard has absorbed some of the liquid.

Very cold again here and wind chill to minus 35 this morning, but warming up.

Have a good day everyone!

Becky,
Hope you can sleep in late on Sunday and have pancakes for breakfast

I want to thank everyone for your support and kindness. I'll miss Pam a bunch. She taught Jay and I about planning ahead and making good decisions for the end of life. She died like she lived with grace, peace and dignity. Given the other deaths Jay and I've had thisyear, this was difficult emotionally, but a piece of cake compared to the dysfunctional people we've had in our lives who passed away. Now I have to be the Executor. Pam had a box with labeled folders on everything in her estate. It should be relatively simple. All of her accounts are Transfer on Death and I am co-owner or beneficiary. Just have to do the phone notifications, etc. She planned for everything. PJ said looking at her labeled folders and everything alphabetized, it made him feel like a bookkeeping slob - which he isn't.

Again thank you for the support and kindness. It means a lot.

Dear Becky, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your family and the way in which they all rallied around your cousin Pam was inspirational, and such an fine example on how to do it right!


Your story is very much like my own, and how we all stuck together to care for our parents in their final years through their illnesses until their passing.

I know that you will get through this, and in time will have many good memories of her, and the knowledge that you did your best by her.

Take care of yourself in the coming days, and just love, love on your family! Pam is now in a better place, free from the Cancer and pain. Big Hugs!!! Stacey B

Becky,, you and J are such a role model for everyone who wants their family member to have a good ending, on their own terms. I so wish I saw more families like yours at the hospital where I work, and I plan to remember you when my Mom's time comes. You may not feel like it now, but you are really a hero.

Becky, I don’t post much on this thread but I take a look now and then. I started following your saga about Pam. She’s lucky to have had you at her side. My sincere condolences.

Starting to process everything. Pam made everything so easy. She planned and was efficient. I think she at times put Jay and I ahead of herself. I can't say enough good things about her care and the professional assistance she received.

Hospice was excellent. Jay and I got to be acquainted with some of the families. There was one very large family that was quite memorable. They were there with their mother who was in her 90's. They had people from way northern, rural Maine - pretty backwoods. I've encountered many like them living in Maine so no problem for me. Jay had problems. He didn't understand their accents, the north Maine phrasing exactly. They were a fairly rough bunch. And they didn't understand him at all. Jay owns a business now, but when he was younger he worked as a sports broadcaster for CBS radio in NY and as a catalog model. He graduated from Columbia School of Jounalism. He was a total fish out of water. After Pam passed one of the woman came over and gave him a big hug. She said I've never seen a man as handsome as you and who talks that good, but you were good with your cousin and took care of her. Jay appreciated her so much. Right before I left the pizza/sub shop made a big delivery for the family from Jay. Kids were excited - they had never had pizza from a deli/restaurant.

Becky - my deepest condolences on your loss. I know you will miss Pam. I am so glad that her passing was peaceful. That is a gift to everyone. You and your family stood by her in an extraordinary way. You all are very special. Please give yourself some time to grieve. ((((((((hugs)))))))

Becky, i am so sorry for your loss.

Becky, (((hugs))), May Pam Rest In Peace. You were there for her, such great support from you and your family

Becky, I'm so sorry for your loss. By documenting Pam's last weeks, you and she and your very functional family taught us all a lesson about how to die well.

Pam passed at 1:03. The priest had given her last rites. She didn't wake again after early this am. She was very peaceful and passed very quietly. I'm waiting for them to move her body. I called a cousin from her dad's side. He is the minister at the country church and graveyard where her parents are buried. Even though it is not a Catholic cemetery she and her husband agreed to be buried there. His ashes will be shipped with hers for burial. They did not want any service. I'm sure her cousin will say a few words and some of the other family members will be there. Her dad's brother and sister live in the area. She already had a headstone in place. She was so efficient. She paid for her cremation when she first arrived. Sue left a few minutes ago. She was going to try to get a plane ticket home for this evening. Jay left to go home. He wanted to be by himself. No need for everyone to sit here waiting. I told PJ to go to grandson's swim meet. Sad day. I'll honestly miss her. I called my aunt and two cousins in Texas. There were nine of us grandchildren. I'm the oldest. Now down to my two cousins, Jay and I and our Aunt Mary.

Becky
You, Jay, PJ and Sue have given Pam a wonderful gift - to be surrounded by love

Thoughts are with you

becky, I am so sorry Prayers for you, and everyone, and especially for Pam for peace and to be pain free ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))