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(((((Becky)))))
(4)
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I got here at 6:00 am. Pam's condition has deteriorated. Breathing is labored. Pain meds had to be increased. Her skin color has changed dramatically. Her pulse is irregular. I talked to her nurse who thinks that both her liver and kidneys may be failing. She opened her eyes and spoke a few words around 7:00 am. She knew who was with her and seemed peaceful. PJ has the priest on his way.
(7)
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Becky,
Brother Jay is quite a fellow isn't he?
Hugs to you all
You're in my prayers tonight
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(((((Hugs))))) Becky and Pam and family. This must have been a very hard couple of days for you. :-(

I am home. Home home. Pizza delivered. Cats sprawled.

Peaceful dreams, everyone.
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Guest, I ended up a psychologist kind of by accident. First undergrad degree in English. Worked for 12 years in corporate communications for a chemical company. Went back to school when I moved to Maine. Worked at University and could attend classes for free. Second undergrad in Consumer Economics. Started grad school in Consumer Psychology (why people buy and spend money the way they do). I had 63 graduate hours completed when the University's underwent a huge overhaul and downsizing which resulted in my program being discontinued. The program that accepted all of my hours was a terminal PhD program in Clinical Psychology. And, here I am about 18 yrs later. My degree has served me well and I don't dislike the field, but I know that I'm not driven to seek out psych problems in people. I've seen psychologists who find problems in everyone. I've got clinical training and am licensed to do individual therapy, but I don't. I review treatment plans for schizophrenics for insurance companies and DUI education (this is my last group). Now the only goal I have is to be completely done with all work in 2 years when I'm 70. Travel, spend time with my son and his family and with PJ and his kids/grandchildren and be lazy.
(9)
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Thanks everyone for the support. Local policeman stopped by to see if we had any problems. He told PJ that the woman's family will do anything to make sure she isn't bothering them or trying to move in with them, but doesn't care if she harasses others. PJ did a letter to all group members restating all group rules. He also emphasized that discussions are on caregiving issues only and that providers are there to facilitate group discussions, not to provide family mediation or individual therapy. Also, that if one violate rules one will not be able to attend. The lawyer who represents the center sent her a letter that she is no longer allowed to attend the center or groups because it had been verified that she had lied on her application and because she now had a police record.

Went to visit Pam. Very noticeable changes. She was sleeping and did not move. Sue is staying until 10:00. Jay is going for overnight. I'll go back in the morning.

Sorted out more junk and several trips to the town dump. A few people took things off the driveway. PJ also sold a bunch of old Big Wheels mid to late 70's vintage. Remarkably it still looks like we have piles of "stuff". However, the attic is completely empty and has been cleaned thoroughly. Would love to have it ready to put on the market mid-March.

Everyone have a nice evening!
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Ali, I use Dr Jart Cicapair tiger grass color corrector. It helps to tone down the redness in my skin. As a moisturizer, I use botanical effects from Mary Kay. It works well and doesn’t irritate my skin. I hope you find something. Ulta has kits you can purchase for different skin issues. The kits usually have enough for 1 month. You can purchase regular or larger sizes of the product if you like it.
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Becky - it's too bad about the restraining order. I hope she does not cause you any more trouble. I am sure Pam knows what lies ahead for her. She is a very brave woman and making good decisions for herself. Sorry that Jay finds loss so difficult. I am glad you all have each other to lean on. Hope the junk collecting went well. It could be a good catharsis. Do take some breaks. You and Jay are grieving over Pam even now.

guest - interesting about your father. Re fil, the dysfunction is in full bloom. I am glad you are not going to step forward, no matter what happens. Aunt got no flowers - oh dear! Keep that line in the sand.

ali - all I use is baby oil, but I know it is not for everyone.

Huge dumps of snow to the south. Hope it will end before R is due to come up.
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Becky, I'm happy to hear that Pam seems peaceful with what she's facing. I hope she stays comfortable and feels loved and supported. Happy that she has her friends around her.

Sharyn, odd question for you lol... but did you end up trying the Dr Jart ceramidin cream and/or liquid and if so, how do you like it? I like some of the brand's other products but I need a better moisturizer for my sensitive skin, prone to eczema.

Hey all, hope you're having a great end to the week, and Happy Weekend!!
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Book, He has a hard time with losing loved ones. He stayed with my Dad whom he adored for six weeks before he passed. He lost weight and neglected himself. I see him doing similarly with Pam. I've talked to him. He realizes how it is affecting him, but says it would be worse if he wasn't there. Pam has drawn very close to him and appreciates every minute she spends with him.
(5)
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I don't think Jay is handling this well...
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Becky, I'm am sorry to hear about Pam. She is courageous and so are you. So much has happened in less than a year. Wow, regarding the woman and charges reduced. I hope she leaves you alone. At least she has a record now. (((Hugs))) to you, family and Pam.
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Becky, sending thoughts of support on this path for Pam and the rest of you. On her own terms and with support. She is so much more fortunate than many.
I think that many folks that end up in psychology or the helper professions (teacher, nurse, psychiatrist, etc) are exposed to more dysfunctional individuals that can trigger events. My father became a psychiatrist in part because he had such a dysfunctional relationship with his parents and was a narcissist. A friend that is an addiction counselor has been stalked, physically threatened, and almost run over. Becky, give yourself a break like you considered. Give yourself a chance to heal esp. with Pam's journey. many folks seem to treat group therapy as their own private audience for their problems to be aired. It's also eerily uncommon for folks to make up caregiver stories to get sympathy....weird.
Hubs took FIL for surgery and now finds out that only part of the paperwork was updated when MIL qualified for Medicaid. Their wills have not been updated. Oh, well, if FIL dies first and busts her Medicaid, hubs and his brother can handle it. The "fixer" is still on hiatus. Husband's aunt never got flowers at Christmas because when I didn't do it, he never got around to it. Ah, well.
(5)
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Becky,
Hugs out to Pam, she's a strong, brave gal
So glad you two went hot tubing
(7)
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What a waste of time! Restraining order denied. Magistrate said first encounter and no real imminent danger. Her charges were reduced to public intoxication. Small fine and suspended sentence. She left with a big smile on her face and went out making snarky remarks. Met with Pam's doctor. He said that her kidneys are failing. They did another test this morning. Pam wants no further blood draws. She told him she knew what to expect. She wants to be comfortable and I agree with her completely. So does her friend Sue. Jay said nothing. I'm home for the rest of the day. PJ and I are going to work on junk collection.
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Becky and Dori, I am not offended at all, it’s just a preference of words I prefer to use. Yes, many do not become sober or take it seriously. Why, I don’t know. In denial I guess. Having parents with alcoholism does leave its scars. For many years I could not tolerate the sound of ice in a glass. It just put me on edge. Now I can use ice in a glass of water without reacting. It’s really strange how little things like that can bring on reactions from our childhood.

Becky, your job is not easy. Dealing with people with addiction must take a lot out of you too. Having someone from the center show up at your residence is scary. I hope you get a restraining order.
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Sharyn -glad you are starting to feel better. It can take a while. You are to be applauded for your sobriety.

Becky - I hope this is the end of it. You certainly have been in contact with a lot of dysfunctional people. I think you are wise to reduce your workload to less personally demanding commitments. Sorry to hear about Sue. Being a nurse herself must make it more difficult. This is a tough time for all of you. Take care of yourself -build in some time out. I am sure PJ is a rock and that he is concerned for you.

dori -I know as a performer you are also a techie to a degree. Hope you get the internet issues sorted out so they don't keep coming back. Enjoy your own place this weekend. I am an introvert too and NEED time alone. And congrats on quitting smoking. I know it is not easy.

glad - aren't you glad you don't have contact with people like that through work? You have had your share of disasters in the past few years. I am happy for you life is quieter now. I had few scary student encounters at the college, and all confined to the building. Walking to my car in the evening which sometimes was parked near the homeless men's shelter, and a notorious bar in town was another thing. I was relieved when they expanded the parking lot a few blocks away.

Found an extra charge from Am*z*n on my bank account, I sent an email and got back an almost immediate response, so I called them and we sorted it out - it was a blip. At the same time, the nice lady saw that I had not received an small item some time ago that I thought I had sorted out, but hadn't, so she arranged for a refund. It was very good service. Still waiting for resolution from a seller on our Canadian site. However, on the whole, online ordering works very well for me. I have another grocery order in to W*lm*rt. It helps to reduce the heaving of bulky items into and out of the car, which is a PITA, especially in the cold weather. Found out I cannot open my trunk without the remote being active!!! This is a major fault in my vehicle and in other years of the same model! Other than that I love the car. Guess I have to go downtown and get the remote replaced or find out what they can do for me.

Have a good day - do something good for you.
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Glad, I'm sitting in the county courthouse and have already seen 8 people I "know" coming thru for arraignment. Most I'm aware of because of a previous job in the criminal psych unit at the state mental health facility. I've always worked in positions that interface with the court system. And even when I've worked in the ER or the hospital I've worked with people who were brought into the ER by law enforcement. Last night was the first time I've had a member of the public (not my mom's/brothers dysfunctional families) come to my home and hopefully it will be the last.

I had planned on working until I'm 70, but last night is making me seriously reconsider that decision. I don't want another sleepless night like last night. I stopped at the assignment office here in the courthouse and notified them that after the 8 cases of DUI's I have now, I won't be available for anymore DUI cases. I had already told my department chair at the University that this is my last semester because I can't physically do the stairs any longer. I will continue to review treatment plans for insurance companies and will also do the administrative/organizational duties for the center, but I believe it's time to let someone else do the groups. I found the visit last night very frightening. No more public work for me.

Pam had a very bad night. Sue stayed with her. She said her coughing was difficult to relieve and that her breathing was very bad. Pam's doctor emailed me that her kidneys are showing early signs of failing. I have to meet with him later this morning. Sue had already told me she and Pam thought her kidney function had changed because of urine color and output. I think at this point in Pam"s illness it's difficult for her to have been a nurse because she knows what the changes in her body mean.

Today is supposed to be our slow day. So far not so slow. Hope everyone has a good day.
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Becky, do you ever feel like you are a target for strange people? Or is it your profession and you just attract them? So much it feels impossible. I am left thinking OMG not again!
(4)
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Sharyn, When anyone achieves sobriety, it's to be positively acknowledged. Overcoming and maintaining sobriety is challenging and difficult. In my practice working with DUI's, I see the people who haven't succeeded, haven't tried at all, those who realized they have a problem or those who take the situation lightly. I applaud all who succeed. If I offended anyone with the use of that word, I'm sorry. This isn't an excuse, but last night was a scary situation.

PJ and I going to the court house this am for that woman's arraignment. I want to see what happens with her and also, to get a restrainting order against her. I don't want her anywhere around me or my family.
(2)
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Becky that sounds like a very scary and violating moment you had. I feel you all on the issue of alcoholics and labels. I felt as if I may have offended someone when I spoke of a gentlemen who hangs around the liquor store and a special moment we had. We still have those but I can understand the sensitivity. I hope I didnt offend anyone. Also with EMS and in ER we came to use certain terms freely and its easy to be misunderstood in intent when speaking certain cliche ways in wrong forum.

I didnt get to check in last nite and just wanted to wish everyone well. Off for a few.
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I didn't mean to offend you, Sharyn, and I apologize if I did. It's a word I've come to use because I've heard so many recovering alcoholics use it to describe themselves and their fellow "alkies" in the 12-step programs. (I spent years in Al-Anon myself.) It might have been better if I'd said I have no patience for active users, which is just as true.

Internet is back on! Jeez, that was a close one....it took a couple of hours and they had a hard time figuring out what was wrong without a tech visit. Because of mom's dialysis schedule tomorrow, we couldn't get a visit till Monday morning! Mom would've had to go without TV all weekend....I would've felt awful going home for the weekend with nothing here to entertain mom. I probably would have stayed and ran stuff off my laptop for her, through the TV. So....phew!
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Becky, I understand, yet, drunk sounds like no hope! Law enforcement won’t likely change that as drunk defines a condition for an individual situation. Kudos to us alcoholics who are in recovery.
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Sharyn, good point on the word drunk and labeling. Never thought about that one before, but should have. In academic writing it is always referred to as alcoholic/alcohol addiction. But then you have law enforcement where drunk is the common term.
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Becky, wow, that is very BOLD of her. I would mention to the police about no one knowing about her caregiving for her Mil. She may very well need psych intervention!

I really dislike the word drunk. Strange coming from an alcoholic background and having been an active alcoholic at one time not too long ago. My reasons for disliking the word come about that it labels a person without realizing why they have an addiction, what their issues are, and that many many people overcome. I would hate to be labeled a drunk. An alcoholic I’ll take that label.

Feeling better, still coughing, sneezing but getting my energy back slowly.
We never did get snow, just rain. Snow is forecast for Saturday. It’s been a very “dry” snow winter here in Idaho.

Enjoy the weekend everyone, Becky, I do hope you are able to connect with Dorianne and Golden this summer!
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I have no patience for drunks.
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Becky....good heaven's, she's certainly on a tear tonight! Well, I'm glad she is being charged. She SHOULD have been arrested for threatening YOU though. I'm sure glad you are safe and that PJ is with you!
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Oh....I was just thinking about how mom used to say (when she still talked about stuff) that she's had lifelong depression. I wonder if there is a connection there, that makes her drinking/dementia behaviours so similar? I know there's a connection between her depression and her addictions. I have always been the opposite - even though I have some anxiety, I'm usually a pretty happy, or at least content, person....when I'm away from her! I wonder sometimes if I've just been repeatedly pulled under by my mom's depression.

Something I guess I'll talk to our doctor about....
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PJ got home about 9:15. I told him what happened. He went over to the police station to find out what they did with her. They dropped her at her apartment and then she showed up at her Mom's. Police were called there. They arrested her for drunk and disorderly, threatening, and trespassing, violating a restraining order. They took her to the women's county jail. Police said that she was screaming that everyone was lying and trying to get her thrown in jail. I never expected anyone to show up at my home over a caregivers support group. Live and learn.
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Oh my gosh, Becky - in all my years in women's services, I never had a client show up at my door, but I always dreaded it! How awful and scary. I would be rattled too! Threatening violence should be more than enough "just cause" to bar her from the group, and definitely for a restraining order. Are you still alone at home or have you got someone with you now?

golden - I know what you mean about distance and detachment. I had that for so many years, before I moved mom up here. It wasn't till I started staying with her that I started realizing, or maybe just remembering, how oppressive I find my mother. At least I can still practice detachment.

Well, the stupid internet is out again and my laptop is temporarily tethered to my phone while I'm on hold with mom's service provider. So I don't know if I'll be around much tonight! Sure appreciate you guys being here though.....big hugs to everyone!
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