The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Woah, nasty! Addictions cause people to do crazy things. That's way worse than my pushy neighbour. A restraining order sounds like a good thing, and removing her from the group.

I think I'm going to do the restraining order. The group contract everyone signs says that a person can be removed from the group for being disruptive, etc. She has been an ongoing problem. She also could be dropped for being untruthful on her application. I agree a psych stay might be a help for her.

Becky can you put a restraining order on her and kick her out of the group? sounds like a bed in a psych ward would be more suitable for her than your group.

Now that is very scarey.. glad you have an alarm button!

PJ went to Scouts with the boys and I was home alone. Doorbell rang and the woman from caregiver's group that I had a problem with today was at the door. She had obviously been drinking. She said that she was having it out with me. She proceeded to tell me in her normal garbled stories of how horrible her sister and mother are to her. On and on and on. She said that she was sick of my lack of support for her issues with the group. She said that I couldn't shut her up in group and that she was reporting me. (She didn't say where she was reporting me). She then told me if I didn't quit making her life worse she was going to beat me up. She also said I had to kick the three women she had problems with out of group and that she had the right to a safe and comfortable space. I asked her to leave. I hit the silent security alarm by the door. I stepped back and slammed the door in her face. She stood out there screaming at me until the police pulled up out front. One the policemen took her off the porch. The other policeman asked me what was going on and I explained. He told me she had been thrown out of a bar earlier for being rowdy and uncooperative. I'm rattled by the whole incident. One of our neighbors came over. She said this woman had done this to other people over her stated complaints about her mother, sister and another sibling. Her mom and sister are well known around town. I've never heard or seen anything negative about them. Her other sister and BIL are well known regionally and very wealthy. They have purchased homes and cars for many family members and help many people in the community with their generosity. They are estranged from this woman because of her behavior. Not sure what to do, but I don'tt  like feeling threatened.

I forgot to mention I don't think this woman is a caregiver. Her application for group says she takes care of her MIL, but we can't find anyone who thinks she has a MIL. 

becky - sorry that Pam's condition is deteriorating. I can imagine it must be boring lying there. It is a horrible waiting game - hard on everyone.

sharyn - hope you are better from that cold. R has the flu now - he sounds awful. He rarely gets a flu shot, but did this year and it sure hasn't helped.

I spent a couple of hours with Pam. Sue and Jay had things to do. Pam was a little chatty. She told me she had discovered that the worst thing with being in Hospice was the inability to do anything. She said it was so boring and depressing to simply lay there. I took her some DVD's to listen to and a couple of movies, books. Took her my 5-year old grandsons birthday video. He and four little boys chowing down on pizza and a giant chocolate chip cookie and acting silly. She said the pizza made her hungry. She is more stable in the hospital, but is obviously deteriorating. Her breathing even with oxygen is ragged. Her skin color is changing. I'm going back later this evening.

becky - that housekeeper is a rare find!! Re the group member - boundaries, boundaries as you are doing.

lazy day here..

Dori, Addictive behaviors are centered in the same part of the brain. Regardless of the addiction the process and reactions will be similar. I have a friend who is shopping addicted, uncontrollable. Seeing her after an online shopping spree she looks much like a drunk in a stupor. So how your mom looks with the cigarettes is probably much the same as when she was drinking.

Golden, Housekeeper is a huge help. She is very reliable and has worked for PJ for about 4 years. She came to work for him when the twin girls from her prior job started college. She had been with that family since the twin girls were born. Boys like her very much.

I had support groups earlier. One went well, the other one not so good. One member wants validation of all of her complaints and whining about sibling and Mom. Small town and common knowledge that the family does not want her interference and complaints. They have many valid reasons for not wanting her around, including drinking too much. It started getting ugly between her and three other women. I called a halt and said that personal attacks would not be tolerated. I was glad when that hour was over. I told the whining woman privately that she could not monopolize group. She was not happy. Not sure what the resolution is or maybe there is none.

becky - Pj's height would be a problem in the berths on the train. Oh my! He is very tall. So E'ton is on the way back then, if later than the Loops? As long as the logistics work out, it should be an awesome trip. R and I want to do the trip west from here through the Rockies one day. I did it once many, many, years ago. I have never been that interested in Australia, but New Zealand really appeals to me, and a river cruise down the Rhine... just dreams right now. You have been through so much recently and still are in the midst of caregiving. A great vacation should do you both a lot of good. Hope Pam is having a good visit with Sue.

dori - big (((((((hugs))))). I don't know if you ever get past the triggers. Certainly some things can be resolved, but not all, in my experience. It does sound like you are making some progress, that some healing is happening. I find I need distance and detachment. I am glad you were so close to your step mum, but I doubt the same will happen with your mother. I figure I will be lucky if I get away with only a few negatives when the end comes, and, I know whatever mother doesn't come up, with my sis will supply. I can see you want to hang in there as you feel your mum isn't long for this world. That's very understandable and bittersweet. Sorry you miss your dad so much. I get that too. We treasure those who shone love and acceptance into or lives.

Have a good day everyone!

I just need to vent this.

Today (yesterday, as I write this) is one of mom's "drinking" days, as I've started to call them - meaning the days when her dementia is most like her drunkenness was. This morning (yesterday morning now), her attitude was JUST on the edge of nasty. But I was being perfectly bland and polite, and gave nothing for her to react to. So even though she tried to start fights, I didn't let her.  I actually called her out once, when she got snappish. I said, calmly, "Why are you snapping at me? I haven't done anything." And she stopped. And I didn't leap into the silence afterward, to try and smooth things over or jolly up the energy, which is probably what I would've done when I was a kid.

I think I repelled a couple of potential snapping bites this evening too. Bland and polite, bland and polite. It actually is starting to work, giving her nothing to react to. It's just laborious to keep it up, like I'm supressing an entire range of emotions, not just bad ones. I don't really feel safe to let the joyful ones out around her either. I suppose that's why I haven't been able to practice my music here. Goodness, that just occured to me for the first time.

The day's not quite ended yet...she's woken me up several times, making her way out of bed and into the living room, which is the only place I'll let her smoke. The walls are thin here, and she slides along them, and sometimes bumps into them, and she also shuffles. And then she rustles a bag of crackers, chain smokes, and stares into the darkness. Ok the staring part doesn't wake me up so much as the other stuff. But even the posture is the same as when she was at the tail end of a binge....leaning slightly forward on the couch, one leg swung over the other, one arm draped over the knee, the other arm holding the cigarette up. Head forward, eyes bleary, staring at nothing. Those are the moments especially when you don't want her stare to fall on you. It's like being around an angry cat. Don't get noticed and you won't get bitten.

It's not always like this.  Lots of days she's just a sweet, forgetful, clumsy toddler.

But when it is like this?  It triggers me. Lordie, it triggers me, and I just hate her so much on these days. And I do know, I know it's dementia, and that her brain is broken and she can't help it. Knowing something intellectually doesn't make it feel less bite-y than it is. Though I think it is getting a little easier. I am getting better at identifying when I'm being triggered. Knowing I have the weekend break at home now already makes an ENORMOUS difference. It's like after my parents divorced, and I got to go spend spring breaks and summer holidays with dad. Sweet, sweet relief, plus even a little honeymoon period with mom after the visitation was over. This honeymoon period lasted two days this week, but then I only had a weekend, not a spring break.

I spent so many years taking care of her and putting up with her s***. Sometimes I really do shake my head that I am doing it again, voluntarily no less. At least I am a grown up now. I can stand up for myself, and I do have the power to walk away, if it comes to that. And maybe, just maybe, I am learning to identify and hopefully fix some of the things in me that got broken back then.

I still don't think she has long left in this world. I have watched animals die, over weeks, months. I've watched my father die, and my stepmother. Mom has all the signs. I just wish....I dunno. I guess after the big emotion-fest I had with my stepmom when she was in hospice (I just cried and sang to her and held her hand, for hours at a time, day after day), I probably thought I could have the same thing with mom, when her time came. But I don't think it's going to happen that way. I will never feel that kind of freedom of emotion around my mother. It's not safe to show it to her. I'm not sure I ever felt that safe around her - if I did, I've since learned my lesson.

I miss my dad soooooo much. The one person on earth who always treated me with love and respect, no matter what dumb s*** I did or said. Even my stepmom couldn't fill those shoes, though she came close.

/vent

Dori, the Kamloops overnight and day sightseeing is on either July 15 or 16. Not sure of Hotel.

Golden. Edmonton overnight is probably around the 21st. Don't have the exact itinerary for that part of the trip.

I only have one concern about trip. Because of PJ's height/ortho problems, he needs to be off the train and sleeping in a hotel bed every other day or so. I can't see him being comfortable in an overnight compartment. He's done the sleeper cars before - but he was much younger. The rail companies have been very nice with helping to work that out with side trips etc. every time they email I get more excited for the trip. Tied for my top bucket list item. The other is a trip to Aaustralia and New Zealand.

glad - chili is great on a cold day. I must make some more navy bean soup. The last batch was awesome. Bet Ming likes cuddling in those cold days. So good the hear you have someone that clears the snow for you. it can be a really big job.

She/they have lost/damaged 3 hearing aids in 3 months. I can't justify buying another set. For heaven's sake, I haven't even got the invoice for the one that was lost. So I have to look for other solutions. I don't know if they will let me set up the one I ordered on the communal tv. I doubt it though it may help with conversation. I may look for a generic amplifying headphone set, or take her old tv down, and set it up in her room with service and that is OK. It would give her something to look at when she is in bed and not sleeping, if the nurses will switch on, and change the channels occasionally. Not sure that will work as they are busy doing other things. We will meet with them when we go down and discuss alternatives. This must happen to other seniors too.

Just read about some simple cheap devices that attach to hearing aids (easiest with behind the ear (BTE) daids) and clip to their clothing. Something has to be attached to the ITE ones for the device to clip on to. If they could be clipped to her clothing, out of hand reach it would be best. That would probably mean changing mother's aids from ITE to BTE. I will have to discuss this with her audiologist. There has to be a reasonable solution of some kind.

Becky - you are very busy - the housekeeper must make a huge difference. The railway goes through Edmonton, and, barring unforeseen consequences, I can be there and, like Dori, at least wave at you. Even better if you schedule a stop there we can show you around the city. I have no idea where the tracks run, or the station is. It used to be downtown on 109th street, but was moved years ago. I think it may be by the new Greyhound stn. which is not far out of the way. Great that Sue is there now to spend time with Pam.

Better get myself up and moving. I have to go out in an hour

Becky - yup, that's me! Well, the best thing about stopping here in the summer, if you do, is our summer live music, much of it free (like Music in the Park)....this is an awesome town for music. Also lots of sports and active stuff, and yes, tournaments. On the down side - I feel it's fair to warn people! - it can get very hot here, especially towards the end of July (we are semi-desert), and some years we get a lot of wildfire smoke (last summer was very bad).

My band will probably be playing MitP, but I have no idea when. Musicians come from all over, so us local bands take what we are given! Lol.

Becky my hubby head a blocked salivary gland and he went to an oral surgeon to get it excised. very painful he reported!

Glad, University is on the fringe of 2 small towns - very much a walking campus. University has about 8000 students - over half on campus. I enjoy teaching, but this may be my last semester. Steps in my building are getting me down.

DHS is in Bangor - they have a ton of employees too. Most counseling is court mandated. I do alcohol education counseling. Program and materials established by the state court. PJ does parental counseling mandated by divorce courts. I don't have the right personality for that. DHS and some of the large counseling practices have support groups, but not for caregivers of elderly. We have 4 groups with 15 in each group. Meet for 60 minutes. I do two groups, PJ does 1 and a social worker does the other. PJ has a really good group. I have one that is good and one that is something else - it has some people who are far too involved in other people's business. A struggle to keep the boundaries firm.

Your chili and the storm sounded nice.

Becky, I love my small town too. No commute time for me either. A university with 300 students in a class must be in a neighboring town? We have one college here, another is coming evidently, they are very small colleges student body in the hundreds. There are probably chem lectures that might have 50-75 in them. My drive to work is about three minutes.

We have some support groups here but very small. Our DHS department is about 20-30 employees but serves the entire county. We must also have one on one counseling, by court order, here, probably why DHS has so.many employees.

Glad, I have two big pluses. I live in a small town with one stoplight. I spend no time commuting. Secondly, we have a full time housekeeper, so I don't have the normal household things to do except cooking occasionally. I do a lot of different things but none of them are time consuming like an 8-hour full time job. Tuesday is my worst day. Alcohol counseling is usually only busy Jan - March. I'll have up to 8 clients. Rest of the year 1-2. Helping my cousin Pam is not what other caregivers go thru. I don't do anything hands-on. She has 24-hr personal nursing care. There is no drama with other people. My brother takes part of the time at the hospital. Her friend Sue is here right now - huge help. I run in and out a couple of times a day. I see the struggles some the families have in the Hospice unit. I don't know how they do it. They're amazing people. Finally, at times I crash and have to catch up.

Dori, Did you mention "the Loops"? Kamloops? It's on the itinerary, but they haven't listed all of the stops on the trip. And we have a certain number of optional things we can pick. Looking forward to the trip so much. I've spent time in the eastern provinces, but western provinces my trips have only been for hockey tournaments when I worked with the Athletic Dept. Fun, but I never saw much. Most of my time was spent trying to catch up with players who were trying to escape supervision. Typical 18-23 yr old guys.

Time to get my day started. everyone have a good day.

I always assumed our hospital had non-appetizing food because that's how hospital foods are supposed to be. Then I went to Hawaii and had a major surgery at the women/children hospital. I had a large room, shared by a roommate. We both had TV's but my family and I are not into television. We just pull out our books and read.

But, this hospital supplied me a menu for what I wanted each day of my stay there. Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner - I chose from the different options. I really loved it when I saw that I wasn't automatically given a low-fat milk and OJ (like here on island) since I'm lactose intolerant and acid reflux. I chose hot coffee, toast, eggs and meat. The morning I woke up after my surgery, they brought our breakfast. My tray looked so empty compared to my roommate's tray (she chose a lot of food!) I finished my food. She wasted most of hers... I thought that All hospitals were like this one in Hawaii! After reading Pam's and Veronica's description of their food, I guess not!

Ooh Becky! That train comes through my town! I'm not sure if it makes a real stop here (the Rocky Mountaineer does, and Via used to but I don't know if they do anymore). If you come through Kamloops, let me know! I can at least wave to you as you whizz by! Lol.  Big, big hugs for you and Pam. 

Duck - if only you were close by - I was just thinking of getting rid of my kitchen table at home! It's in good shape but a friend gave me a smaller, handmade table that I love, so one needs to go! I feel ya on the decluttering. I've definitely made a small hurricane aftermath in "my" room at mom's - there is nowhere for me to put anything! There's a desk, with her giant computer system and all HER stuff on it, the twin bed I bought to put in here, and....not even a closet, 'cause she had cubbies built into it when she first moved here, and they're all full of HER stuff! I got a plastic Rubbermaid set of drawers, I'm going to start there. We can be declutter buddies, if you like!

golden - oh no, not the hearing aid! I feel your pain. I just got mom convinced last summer to get new dentures. Well, she has lost the bottom plate a few times now, and this time it's been since just before Christmas and we haven't found it yet! I had her name engraved on the inside of them just in case she ever had to stay in hospital or in care....I think that was probably wise, lol.

Well....I had a nice night tonight. Best guy friend was coming over for dinner, so I also invited BFF and her hubby, whom I needed to help me replace mom's broken kitchen tap (she is tough on taps....she wrecked the ones in my apartment too, years before dementia was involved!). I made two racks of ribs....I probably could have made a third, they were yummy! And not only did the faucet get put in, but BFF's hubby also switched the door on the clothes dryer so it opens the other way (it was really awkward before!). And BGF took the garbage out. I love my friends, lol, and not just because they are so helpful!

Oh, plus....the ribs were the ones I put in the freezer for my brother's Christmas visit....you know, the one that never happened? Lol. I felt I'd waited long enough to have Christmas dinner!!! I finally started taking down decorations today, so it felt totally appropriate to chow down on those ribs!

Edit:  also my kitten discovered the catnip for the first time, sometime while I was napping early this afternoon.  (I know because it was spread ALLLLL over my bedroom floor when I woke up!)  Consequently, he has been super lovey-dovey all evening, and even went running up to BFF as she came in the doorway.  So that was sweet also. 

Golden, my mom's hearing aids were lost soon after moving to memory care. Ts2 elected to not replace them. They were $5,000. So mom went without for two years until she passed. I would have replaced them, she really needed them to hear. And had they been lost again, insurance would have replaced them once. Then if third pair was lost, I would have tried to find another solution. Mom had some headphones from bed bath and beyond that she used at home because the speakers on new tv's are on the back so sound is not projected into the room. They were cordless and worked quite well.

Becky, your family sure seems to work together for the benefit of your friend, Pam. I don't at all understand how you do all you do with your health issues. Teach university classes, three of them, caregiver support, alcohol abuse counseling and still have nice dinners with PJ. When do you sleep? Oh and the care and companionship you are providing to Pam.

Madge, what do ENT's do with blocked salivary glands? That is one I have not heard before.

Sharyn, hope you are feeling better.

Made chili on Sunday to have with the snow. It was a decent storm but only about five inches. I would have really enjoyed two or three times that amount. Heck even four times. But then I would have to find someone with a tractor to plow the driveway out. Wouldn't know where to start, the phone to people I know to try to fine someone. I am on a school route so someone comes through with a sidewalk sweeper in front of the house which is roughly 250 feet, I guess. So that is wonderful! I remember when I moved here, looking at that sidewalk and wondering how in the world I would get it done.

Have a good evening everyone.

becky =it is wonderful there is so much support and everyone is pulling together. What a difference from caregiving your mother! 

madge -I hope the ENT visit tomorrow is productive

duck - I sure hope you get that therapy lined up. Co Q 10 is good and so is resveratrol. You might want to give that a try.

I went online and looked at ear phones for the hearing impaired that can be used for conversation, or for tv, and found a wireless one that had many good reviews, so I ordered it and will try it here myself. It should be harder to lose than hearing aids. She could wear them when she is up and have them removed when she is in bed. The staff can press the button for conversation or TV. Might work?

Just a correction. The 200mg Cq10 did give same results I think it was too much. Please excuse the typo.
It could also be the weather. Its almost spring like here after freezing temps. These changes in whether are scary. Next week it could be a bizzard.

Becky, sounds like Jay may be in for a nice matchmaking scheme, one good thing deserves another. It so nice to see the support and love that comes from being united. Maybe being so busy is a good thing. Take care of yourself in the mist of all the stress.

Linda sorry about your FIL situation. I hope things get better.

Golden, there may be a thief in the mist. glad you are getting rest. I took a cq10 20mg yesterday and I felt good today. I wonder if its an antidepressant. Anyway I took before and got energy. I bought some on line 200mg and it did do the same. I felt happy and hopeful.

I still am not hearing anything about the trapy. I called today and the person who answered the phone said hello hello twice and hung up. I called back and got answeredng machine. I dont know the delaeg the counselor says give it to thursday. The other thing going on is the same. I feel actuallly I know I am the only one who cleans up the poop besides my mother. I know Ima the only one who mops. I get frustrated but I know it needs to be done. When I dont do I feel guilty. which really means I should just go on and do what needs to be done. I just wish I could clear away those thoughts that make me need to stop doing it. I just took a break a few days, it stinks.
My mother is getting more and more active packing things and rambling through every drawer cabinet nook and cranny and there are a lot. I will be off tomarrow nite and then back on thurs nite.

I am still feeling anxious about everything. But today I feel like I can do something about take a chunk out of the mountain. I hope I still have this in me when I get off in the morning.

Everyone be good to yourselves. Smile! Rays of light and peace to all.

Rest well everyone

Linda 22, I'm sorry about your FIL's decline. I hope the family drama with BIL is at a minimum.

Golden, thank you for the support. Pam herself makes things easy. She isn't a complainer and is very cooperative with everyone - even when in severe pain. Jay has been so good and so helpful. He and Pam have become very close. Her friend Sue is the kind of friend we would all be lucky to have. Sue is staying overnight tonight. Pam's private duty nurses are wonderful. They take of everything and do everything they can to keep Pam comfortable. PJ has been great to. He visits at the hospital regularly with patients from his parish. The parish only has a part-time priest. As a lay deacon, he goes to say the rosary or pray with anyone who requests his presence. Pam is Catholic and he includes her on his visits.

PJ and I had a nice dinner out without the boys which was nice. Hope I sleep tonight.

cw -thx I have thought about that, but she does not seem to hear enough during conversation without hearing aides to manage an appropriate response. When I speak to her she says she cannot hear. That might not be a good thing when interacting with the staff. I am wondering if some kind of headphone would be better, to be removed at nap time and a bedtime. I suppose there is a possibility that she is removing the aids, as they may be uncomfortable say, at nap time, and then they land the floor. I don't know how far the staff are able or willing to go checking during the day to see if/when she has them in. Without a plan in place, and/or some light on the subject, I don't feel good spending $4000 + on yet another set to have them disappear again.
This happened once about a year ago at her ALF. Before that there never was an issue.

Golden, if your mom is mostly resting quietly in her room you might want to consider whether it is necessary to replace the hearing aids at all, I've found that my mom manages just fine with one on one conversations and that any musical entertainment is usually loud enough for her too.

becky ((((((hugs )))) to you and yours for caring for Pam so well and each other. What a blessing you are to one another. Jay does seem to have magic with the women!

Linda - I am so sorry for all you have to deal with. Fil's decline has been on a fast track. Glad bad bil is out if the picture for now. You don't need the extra aggravation. Be sure to take care of you. You seem to be the hinge pin and carrying a lot. ((((hugs)))) to you too.

Well the mysterious hearing aid bandit has struck again. Mother's new hearing aid, about a week old, is lost and the other one, a couple of months old is damaged. None of the nurses think that mother is taking then out herself, but I suppose we have to consider that as an option. Apparently the routine is that they are removed at night and put on the "medi tray". Maybe they fall out when she has her nap, though she's not a restless sleeper, or they are not being put in properly, so they could fall out any time. during the day. I presume they can only be damaged by being run over by something heavy. When I go down we will have a meeting with the nursing staff and try to figure out what is happening. I need to know what the sequence if events is. and where they find the damaged h. aid. Do they pick it off the floor, or is is out neatly back where it should be on the meditray? I wonder if the meditray is out of reach of other residents. Aaargh this is getting expensive. Funny -I dreamt last night they were gong to call me.

Lots of sleep here and a very quiet day and getting some energy back.

My FIL has declined quickly since his fall and hospitalization before Christmas. The COPD has weakened both heart and lungs, and he has pneumonia. He's been in and out of the hospital. Sadly, he's now in long term care with hospice added to the team. I'm feeling so profoundly sad to be losing this dear, sweet man. But I'm also grateful that the decline has been swift and he's not in pain.

DH is still trying to wrap his head around all the changes - we went from need to go to SNF to long term care to long term with hospice in two weeks. The stress is making his PD symptoms worse. That's left me with all the coordination, hard decisions, tracking down staff, etc. The kids have been terrific thru it all.

A couple of the grandkids are trying to see if they can arrange flights and time off work to see Grandpa now. BIL opted to stay home until there's a funeral, as he wants to remember Dad as he was....honestly, I'm relieved as he's been so flip and cavalier about it all that his presence would be difficult, not a comfort. I really need to get past my frustration and anger with him before he hits town. The trust paperwork will go to the attorney before he gets to town so a third party will be handling all the nuts and bolts. The jewelry was already given to the granddaughters, per Grandma's wishes. Grandma's painting supplies went to the artist grandkid. Aside from some silver and china, I don't know what he thinks is in the house. Families......