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Becky,
Echo.
"They also serve who only stand and wait."
The poem: They also serve who only stand and wait definition. The last line of the poem “On His Blindness,” by John Milton. The poet reflects that he has a place in God's world despite his disability. The New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy, Third Edition. Copyright © 2005 by Houghton Mifflin Company.

Thank you for standing by your friend.
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"They also serve who only stand and wait," Becky. What a good friend you are. Take care of you too.
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Thanks CM! Will give it a try.

Becky just being there is a lot.
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Pam asked to go the hospital this morning at 4:00. Her Hospice nurse is hospital affiliated. She was admitted to a Hospice bed. They are keeping her comfortable. Even with oxygen her breathing is very rough. She is sleeping now. IV hydration and IV pain meds. Jay went home to shower, clean up and eat. So here I sit not sure what one is supposed to do.
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CM, I do the same, EmergenC for me. And I still get sick, but does not seem to last as long or as severe compared to the times before I started doing it.
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There's no scientific basis to this, Sharyn, but my doctor aunt always used to bombard herself with massive doses of Vitamin C at the first hint of a cold and claimed it worked; and I've followed her advice; and... it doesn't do any harm, anyway :) Hope you can shake this off, hugs.
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Glad, we are also in winter advisory for snow 3-6 inches here in the valley and up to 9 inches in the mountains.

Been around too many sick people, woke up with sore throat, ugh! At least I have early shift today.
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Or, Dori, maybe he hired a woman to clean?

Storm is just beginning. Five to ten inches by this afternoon is forecast. Now it is like sleet, the roads will be a mess until snow covers them. But then the ice beneath. I am still in bed, actually slept eight hours last night. I NEVER do that, feels good. Feeling lazy watching news and weather. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow! Chili fixins later. Mmmmm.
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Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb, Dorianne - the spotless kitchen, hmmm... is your friend gay?
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Golden, J did her level best to make friends with my mother. She made the effort to come and see her, she bothered about her birthdays, she made interesting conversation, she sent flowers and garden produce, she sympathised but didn't patronise. And she wasn't a heck of a lot younger, and she wasn't very much less ill or in much less pain.

Least I can do, really.
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Hi all! Just a quick check in from home....my home! Whee!

Becky, I'm sorry Pam is doing so poorly. Sending lots of healing energy your/her way.

Well, my girlcat, who has lived here 11 years of her life, was/is ECSTATIC to be home. She's spent the last 28 hours re-claiming all her old napping spots.  And the boykitten spent all last evening sniffing so many things I thought he might pop! Lol. I just sat around and relaxed last night. Slept about 11 hours, which is surprising 'cause my old bed is so lumpy (I forgot!), and woke to my lovely golden southern light (mom faces east - not the same!).  Maybe I slept so long just 'cause it's so durned quiet here. 

Went over to mom's and everything was FINE. Thank goodness. Except she was confused about what day it was, and was a bit lonely - not just for me, but also for the cats. I took her a box of Timbits, gave her her meds, made her a cup of tea and a snack tray, and set her up with Anne (of Green Gables - the new one) on Netflix. Stayed just over an hour and promised that all 3 of us would be back tomorrow evening.

Been re-watching The Handmaid's Tale since I got back from mom's. I am still on Sudafed under doc's orders, so I took some of that lovely red wine and made beef stroganoff tonight. All just for me!  My friend left my kitchen so clean and shiny, it's hard to even believe he's a man sometimes! Lol, that's sexist, I know. But honestly....even the burner rings on the stove are gleaming! Plus....I think that Sudafed might finally be working! I felt a little pop in my ear a couple of hours ago, anyway.

Lumpy bed and all, I really needed this. And with any luck, I can spend my weekends at home more often. For awhile anyway.

Hope you all have a good night!
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Becky - cleaning out things from family that has passed will be hard on pj. It sounds like he is tackling it. Good for him Very sad for your aunt and cousins and Pam. There is no easy way through something like this. I am sorry Pam is suffering right now, but glad you have great help for her . I expect she is worn out from the visiting, yet it would have been very good for her morale. ((((hugs)))) you are doing a great deal for her, all that is possible...

book - a hobby is a good idea for duck.

cm - "It is abuse even if it is unintentional."That kind of tweaks the conscience doesn't it. What do they say? "Ignorance is bliss." I guess you have to go with where your mind and heart takes you. I applaud you for caring.

glad - yay for you - a snow storm. Here they come all too often.

sharyn -You made a good decision for yourself. Parents do affect us very negatively sometimes. Very sad about that young man. I hope he breaks away from their control.

madge  - how is the Viking? Hope the antibiotics are helping.

Had a little recurrence of that flu, but not bad, thankfully. Husband of a cousin of R's died. Funeral was yesterday in the same chapel as his parents, and he felt it, but is doing well. The man was younger than me, and not that much older than R. Makes you realise you better get onto your bucket list, as you are becoming the older generation. He has one uncle left (much younger than R's dad) and I, of course, have mother.

Have a good night everyone.
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Becky
Hope Pam can rest a bit - you and Jay are her Angels
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Sharyn, Thank you for the kind thoughts. Unfortunately, she has gotten worse again and is coughing up blood. The hospice nurse came. She gave her an extra dose of her cough/bronchitis med.  she is also ordering oxygen for her. They should deliver tomorrow morning. Her back pain was escalating so the nurse gave her a pain med and instructions for further dosing. Jay and I both are going to spend the night. Monday I am going to add a night nurse. She hasn't eaten since morning, but is taking a small amount of liquids. I've helped her to the bathroom a couple of times. I feel so helpless with her.
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Duck, I agree with Becky. In my early twenty’s, I realized my mother would always see me as irresponsible and would not accept the person I am. I moved forward with my life and kept firm boundaries with my parents.

I work with a 21 year old man who has lived a very sheltered life. His parents will not let go, continue to control his life and decisions. As a result, he spent s his free time gaming on line, hates his job and wants to try to be a voice actor. His parents do not approve so he stay in a job he doesn’t want to do forever. He can’t grow up because of his family. Another twist of how parents can stunt their children into adulthood.

CM, following through with inquiries re your neighbor is good. Just be careful as I know you are and will be.

Becky, I hope Pam is breathing better. She is probably wore out from visits, necessary goodbyes are so hard on everyone. You are a great organizer and facilitator for her. Glad you are there.

Glad, enjoy the snow! We are only getting rain now. I was hoping for more snow.
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I went to check on Pam this morning. Her breathing is very bad. I called respiratory therapist and she came and did breathing treatment which helped some. She said she had had some bad coughing during the night, but no bleeding. Jay was here overnight. He said he heard her once and it wasn't bad. He said he had to help her once to walk into the bathroom. She is very weak today, but can still get up and walk with a little assistance. She ate a few bites of oatmeal and drank a little apple juice. I called her nurse to come in early. She will be here at 10. Both of her nurses have said they are willing to work 12 hour shifts, so I called the hospital and made that change. I may have to add an overnight nurse if Jay is afraid something will happen that he doesn't know how to handle. He's not afraid of much, unlike me who is afraid of everything. I'm good at a lot of things in life, but hands-on caregiving isn't one of them. I admire those who can greatly. They are the heroes in this part of caregiving.
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Glad, Enjoy the storm!
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I'm working on it, Barb! We did have a good shredding session on Wednesday over J's late husband, without actually speaking ill of the dead or upsetting J herself. Goodness, T really was a bit of a liability, at best. But that's the kind of minefield issue that's around: I know J was worried about her will five or so years ago, because she asked me how she could make sure T didn't get the house but could still live in it after she died (ironic, no?) - wouldn't have been remotely difficult to do, I told her to go to her *own* solicitor; but I got the impression that T was pressurising her to make mirror wills. To be really blunt, I think he fancied getting his paws on the house. That'll larn him!

I know D also wants to find a good firm to sell the house, plus deep-cleaners, removers, possibly auctioneers and valuers, and having been through all this two years ago I can certainly tell her who to avoid locally! The house is a modern bungalow, not my thing at all, but big and well-built and its value should keep J ticking over nicely for some time.

Holding out a hand was why I sent her an update email, and I admit I was a bit disappointed that her response was so guarded. The poor woman is probably short of time and stressed out anyway, I'll keep waving. But also we do just all have to make our own mistakes, don't we? I know that too. If she thinks I've been meddling, or it comes to her ears that I actually have been (not very much!), I'll just suck it up. I'm not doing it for thanks or fun.

Book I'm glad it's not just me who changes the rules if I don't like the coin-toss! That was pretty much what I was doing all afternoon yesterday :) Then I saw this line on the social services' reporting page, in bold: "It is abuse even if it is unintentional."

That, and the thought that they might cheerfully go ahead with J's mental capacity assessment without first checking that she's not off her face on opiates.
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Winter storm warning! HUrray! I have been waiting two years for this. How I have missed the snow storms. Must get out for latte this morning then store for chili fixings! 👏
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CM, do you have the kind of relationship with the daughter to be able to ask if she's getting legal advice on how to go about all this properly? That you've heard that at times the technicalities of how and when monies get spent can be mind boggling?
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CM, I didn't know about the dangers of spending my dad's money and needing to keep receipts until I found this site. Whew! Scared me silly that I was bordering paranoia about being accused of elder abuse. I met a prison guard who came in for flight info. Despite his friendly demeanor, I was scared of him and didn't know why. If that's the kind of person working as prison guard, I wouldn't want to be a prisoner. He looks so friendly but the vibes I was getting .. {shudder}. So, after finding out about 'document, document, document' from AC, I was gungho into keeping all the receipts. Not only that, I scanned it and printed it.

I have no advise if you should or not inject yourself into this. It's darn if you and darn if you don't. Maybe flip a coin. While it's flipping, what are you hoping the answer be? Head for yes? or Tail for no? If you aren't wishing for it by the time it lands, then go with the flip. But if it shows Head, and deep down you were hoping it was Tail, then there's your answer. Tails... I hope that wasn't confusing...
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DDDuck, take down all of your photos that you have sentimental values. Actually, take all your personal stuff that you have sentimental values. Hide them securely in your bedroom. Yes, I know it's your bedroom. But that wouldn't stop someone from going through it. Unless you have a lock and automatically lock it when you leave the house.

If they see you all the time on the internet, I would also automatically sign out of here every time you put down your device (mobile, tablet, laptop...) If I was unscrupulous, I would be dying to see what your doing. Then, when I know this website, I'll just sign up and see what you're 'blabbing' to the world about us. I'll use this as ammunition towards you.

I think you also need to have a hobby. Something that will give you a peace of mind. Of course, when I first found this site, I was hooked on it for hours. It basically pushed out my joy of reading books. I still kept buying books on sales but I never had time to read it - because I was always here online. I did hang on to the very few favorite authors that I love to re-read their series. Lighthearted mysteries with lots of humor and paranormal occurrences (of course!)
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Went to see my aunt, cousins and Pam. They leave to go back to Texas in the morning. Very sad parting for all. Acknowledgement that it's the last time they will see each other. Jay was there and he was noticeably upset as well. Very difficult to watch. Hard for me to say goodbye to them at their hotel. But, I'm glad they came for Pam. It meant everything to her.

Kudos to PJ. He worked all day on cleaning the garage. He took 8 loads of stuff to the town dump. Plus he let some people come by and pick up some things. Boys carried down a lot from the attic. I had one of the girls unload some cabinets in the dining room. Built-ins that were packed full. Glassware that came from his ex-wife's family in Indiana. She left it all when she left 30 years ago. PJ said he kept it because he thought some of her kids might want it, but that never happened. I hope we can keep the momentum going. One good day out of what needs to be 20 days of cleaning.
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Wise words, Becky!
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Duck, If you truly want to move forward with a happy life, let the past go. You will never be able to achieve your goals, large or small, if you constantly replay incidents from the past. You can't change those events. You cannot make your sister into someone else. And you cannot remake your mother into the mother you wish you had and have a loving relationship. If you want to take the high road, let go of thoughts of retaliation. It will just bring you down. It will not do anything to them. I understand that you can't move from the house, but you can get out of the house on days off. Go to the library. Join a book club or Bible study. Look for a support group at a community center or church. Your Mom gave your sister medical POA for whatever reason. It was her choice. Your sister is responsible for her care and safety. Unless you feel your mother is so endangered that you need to call APS or that you need to get an attorney to seek guardianship, let your mother's care fall to your sister. That is who your mother chose. You need to back off from your mother and sister and think of yourself. You have to make yourself happy, no one else or no other relationship can make you happy. Just you can do that. Take care of yourself first and leave your Mom and sister out of that equation.
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becky - so glad Pam is holding up. I know it is tiring for her to have visitors. Quilting takes skill and not one that I have learned. I did do a little trapunto many years ago and very enjoyed that. Great that your cousin can still do it. You will be going cross eyed with all the marking. Even back in the day we had a card reader system for grading multiple choice, but diagrams and written answers had to be done individually. Hope the LTC claim goes through smoothly. I suspect the move will take quite some work. I hope the "deer in the headlights guys" man up and do their thing. I am with you -trees, critters, quiet, no traffic and preferable some water.

duck - the point about taking the high road is that you don't retaliate. You can't control your sis's behaviour or your mum's - only your own. I think you are a better person than they are, so don't sink to their level and relaliate. Yes, these things wear you down, so you have to find some things that build you up. If you need to stay in your room for some peace, do that. Your sis is responsible for your mum's safety, you are not. Let the guilt go. Do some good things for you - whatever they are. You are entitled to treat yourself and look after yourself, even in the midst of chaos and maybe it is more important then. Don't rely on booze too much. Find things, even small and inexpensive things that make you feel good. You got yourself a new wig and you look younger -Great!!! Way to go! Do more like that for you! And reading scripture is always good. God wants us to love others as we love ourselves, Often we have to earn to love ourselves first.

dori - so happy for your excitement at going home. Your mum has Alz so don't expect her to understand you too much. I love the description of where your place is - trees, critters, on a river -sounds like heaven to me. I want to wake up to birds singing... I am an introvert too, so I know that being alone is what you need.

cm - I agree, tread very lightly. Not that you ever said anything to your mother that you wished you could have taken back. I am sure we all have. You have quoted a number of perceptions by J, which are undoubtedly off, If 60K is missing, you can't fix it. It will probably come out in the wash, Mother had many accusations at one stage, much money missing which I later found out she had withdrawn and then redeposited later. I am sure she told people I was abusive - not so, but...

Weather is holding decently these days. Now if I could get some energy to go out and do things. I am making up for that by tackling mothers paperwork. I want it in pristine shape and that is going to take some doing, but I have made a good start. Then there is filing the yet ongoing insurance claim - the dispute. And making sure we have all our ducks in a row for the soda incident. We are also starting to accumulate paper re real estate transactions. Way too much paperwork for me!

I have decided to make a raspberry coulis for the almond butter, pumpkin brownies and top that with a dollop of whipped cream for R. I think he will like it. A sprinkle of chopped walnuts would be good too.
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Oh gosh yes. Funeral expenses (though I think he had his own cover, but she'll still have held the wake, done the flowers, bought an outfit, hired cars etc etc ), not to mention the respite care at ?£1K a week, plus to-ing and fro-ing 50 miles each way that D is perfectly entitled to claim back, care needs assessments, deposits at the next NH, removal expenses, God knows what-all. You can rip through that amount so fast it makes your eyes water.

I hope J's medication has been checked, it's been adjusted as far as it can be, everything's been done and signed off. I hope D has registered her POA(s) and taken legal advice and filed every single piece of paper. Good! No problem, then.

I'm not accusing, I'm asking. Because if nobody ever asks, what's to stop abuse?
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Me, too. I meant to say former neighbor now in hospital you volunteer at. It's also possible the money WAS taken out of the bank for end of life expenses for 3rd husband who passed away near Christmas or to pay debts of parent who's in hospital right now. You are a good person who is trying to help Daughter, but remember that anything you do may leave you "monkey in the middle". Yikes~!
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Not quite, Guest; she was my over-the-road neighbour for seven years. She is now in the same hospital I volunteer at but it's only a coincidence, I don't know anyone working on her ward. Thank goodness!

Daughter hasn't previously been much involved in her care - I'm sure not through choice, I'm not blaming her for any of this. How can you take care of someone if she doesn't want you to and her husband backs her up? But all the same, it's a steep learning curve and it worries me that she doesn't seem to realise that. E.g. if she really has taken £60K out of her mother's bank account and didn't realise she could be asked to account for it all... what if it's too late and she can't, exactly?

Could leave some helpful leaflets about various subjects lying casually about..?

What got up my nose was my SIL contradicting not just me, but the GP, the cardiologists, the psychiatric team... all on the basis of her experience as a community dietitian but without ever going to the trouble of reading mother's notes or asking any questions. She had a theory about being "too close" to the situation. I know ignorance is bliss and all that but I'm not sure it's the very best approach to medical care... I hope this isn't quite the same!
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CM, I understand, I truly do. This is someone you know at a hospital that you volunteer at (yes?). You remember how much you would have welcomed assistance when dealing with your mom...sometimes....on some stuff. From the outside, how helpful were your siblings, remember? Social services will check into the financial and other stuff now that it's been noted. Medication check will happen. Yes, the delusions continue and I'd bet Daughter knows exactly what's going on. But if the paperwork needed isn't in place, making her out to be looney won't help D get J situated.
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