The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Ali, my jaw pops. I usually lay on the couch or on the bed to read or watch tv (sitting causes my hip to hurt). I lay on my left side propping my head up with my arm. I think with my hand right on my jaw, it puts pressure on it which aggravates it. Ice packs are my friend and my first go to remedy, Lol!

We have lived here 7 months now. Yes, our first winter which is different yet mild. Last month was the coldest so far. We had a few lows of 7-9 then it warmed up to lows of 18 and highs of 21. Not much difference between day and night. After it snowed on and before Christmas, it has been between 21-36 at night with some days hitting 45. The snow was slowly melting especially in the backyard. Last week we got rain. I left for work with the front yard completely covered in snow, when I came home it was all melted. It fluctuates from freezing fog and rain to being somewhat pleasant. As long as there is no wind, it isn’t too bad outside. Snow is possible this weekend.

Hi again. Thanks for the kind words, Ali, golden, and Becky. :-)

I went over to best guy friend's after I dropped mom at dialysis. He got me to order some weird piece of electronic gear for him on my Amazon Prime, which I picked up from the courier today, so I took it straight over to him. I wound up staying till nearly 3 and just letting it AAAAAALLLLL out. Which was good. Then I did the shopping and got about an hour's peace before I had to pick mom up.

I figured it would be impossible to get through to tech support during the "after work" hours, and since they're supposed to be 24 hours, I crashed hard (sleep) when home support showed up. Just woke a half hour ago. I'm about to call tech support and see what's up.

I really do need a break. I have this idea, now that my sublet is almost moved out, that I could go home Friday when home support comes, and come back here Sunday evening.  BGF doesn't think it's realistic, given the thing with the lighter, plus I caught her smoking in bed last week. It's not just her at risk from a fire, it's everyone else in the apartment building. (I know she's not in her right mind, but it makes me so MAD that she doesn't care about putting other people at risk!  I bet half the apartment fires in the world are caused by seniors who shouldn't be on their own anymore!) I would just get more home support except mom won't get up to answer the phone or the door (buzzer is through the phone) when she's sleeping, and her sleep pattern is totally unpredictable now.

I dunno what else to do, but I do need to get out of here. I think I have to try, even if it's on a more limited basis than a whole weekend. Like if I go home during the day and come back at night, or something. BGF is going to help me move all my music gear back to my place (3 guitars, a keyboard, a PA, a guitar amp, a suitcase full of cables and mics and miscellanea, and some stands.....half of it's been living in my car for months already, but I can't get it all up the stairs with my injury), so at least I will have the excuse that I have to go practice. Lord knows I can't do it here.

Trying to get my music back into focus, at the very least. I also ordered myself a couple of things that came with the Amazon order - a special clip that attaches your smartphone to your microphone stand (so I can have set lists and "cheat" lyrics, but hands-free and paper-free), a drink holder that also attaches to the mic stand (it's hard to grab your water off the floor when you're holding a guitar....plus I end up kicking it over half the time!), and a windscreen for the mic. I specifically went for performance-based items so that I'll get inspired to book more gigs! I don't want to lose another summer of performing to this caregiving nightmare.  BGF (who's also my bandmate) is currently "tweaking" a couple of my guitars as well....so he's also pushing me in this direction, lol!  (God bless my bandmates for not giving up on me!  Looking after mom has almost killed my passion for music, but those guys are its life support system.) 

I am starting to realize part of my kitten's fighty-bitey problem is pure boredom. He feels he has to be wherever I am, which means he is stuck in the little bedroom or the little office with me, here at mom's. I just can't bring myself to hang out with my mother in the main living area very much anymore. (I feel guilty about it because I know she is lonely, but then sometimes I am a terrible person who thinks she made her own bed by refusing to even TRY to make new friends or stay in contact with her old ones, or at least accept more home support. Why do I have to be her everything?) So anyway, I'll be taking the kitten home with me when I go there.

An old co-worker I haven't seen in a couple of years got in touch with me on text last night. She kept telling me I am an "angel" for looking after my mom. I'm not. I'm really, really, really not. I feel like I'm doing the bare minimum of household management right now, and I haven't got the emotional energy to be a proper companion for mom. I feel so guilty for everything I'm NOT doing, and then I feel guilty when people act like I'm good at this and praise me for it. Argh, what a vicious circle I've gotten myself into!

Ah jeez, mom just got up and is smoking in the living room again. This will go on all night, now that it's started. I will never get any peace from her while I'm here, no matter what time of the day.

My best guess would be an infection of some sort. Maybe even a partially enlarged thyroid? Lymph node? I certainly don't think it could be from the Hoyer.

It's about that size and I'll be trying hard not to let it keep me awake for the next week

It's hard and painful to her

Someone has me wondering if it is from the pressure of the sling using the hoyer lift - good grief

I'm hoping it's somehow related to the flu and the course of antibiotics takes care of it

Lump on her neck? How big is it? There are certainly some strange things that can happen. I knew someone once, in his forty's I am thinking that like overnight he had a three inch lump on his neck. I cannot remember what it was. Hmmm, that should keep me awake for awhile.😯

Hi glad
The flu seems to be behind her unless this lump on her neck is somehow related

Was able to get her to her pcp today who agreed it was large and seems to be near the carotid -
He's putting her on antibiotics and referred her to an ear nose and throat dr

I'm hoping the antibiotics help as I can't imagine trying to do any type of ultrasound or other imaging on her

I so wish my beloved ear doctor hadn't retired

Madge, how is mom doing?

Becky
So glad you and Pam did the hot tub adventure

Dori, your post reminded me of caregiving life in such a visceral way. I'm smiling but I feel for you. The continual chaos of caregiving is a beast. How do things go so sideways on some days out of seemingly nowhere? I felt like Life wouldn't stop breaking in new ways, also breaking in the same old ways, the entire time I was doing hands on caregiving, haha! You'd better have ice cream for breakfast if it helps you feel better!

Duck, I'm taking melatonin nightly right now to help with sleep, and it does help but it just isn't enough for whatever reason. I do wonder how a sleep aid might help if the melatonin doesn't do the trick, but... that's what PCP is saying she wants to try at this stage of things. I like the melatonin melts and I like putting a couple dabs of lavender oil on the pillow next to me when I sleep. The lavender scent is proven to improve sleep quality, and even if it didn't it smells nice enough.

Becky, good luck with start of new classes. I'm sure you're glad to have remodeling projects completed.

Golden, I don't use many of the features on my iPhone, either, but I do like the quality of the camera on the 6 and later models. And Siri is indispensable at times now that I've gotten accustomed to being able to ask questions on the fly as I'm driving, when I'm looking for nearest *whatever* or other information. I splurged on the 7 a year ago and put it into a protective case right away like the expensive gadget that it is. I'm hoping to not need another phone for another 4+ years. A 6 is a good idea, imo. Not too expensive and has all the features one could want.

Sharyn, is this your first full winter in Idaho?  I'm trying to remember when you moved and I think it was about a year ago but I could be way off.  How are you adjusting to the colder weather?  My jaw was clicking tonight when I was chewing food and I went "aha there's the clicking!"  lol  It hasn't been clicking at all but sure enough, started up today.  As long as the pain is minimal, I'm happy.  :-) 

ali ((((((hugs))))) so glad you are feeling better than for years. May it improve and last. Great that your online consignments are going well and bringing in a few $$$. Downsizing is a challenge. My dd consoled me by saying that I have much less in the house than before the fire and that is true.

becky - I was thinking about an iphone 6 - not fancy and smaller, I think, than an 8. I don't use much of the capacity of an iphone. I am in no rush. Glad you are past the danger of infections again. Fortunately I never had any though have had a lot of dental work. Good that your selling is going well too. That's a lot of handbags! Happy to hear good news of Pam and her nurses and of the hot tub adventure. I am not surprised she was worn out after. So nice to have your aunt coming to visit. Wonderful news that the lake house is finished. There probably is work ahead yet getting rooms sorted out. Nice for Pam to see the old things. Seeing moose is OK. Just don't hit one. Good luck with your classes. Having a nostalgic moment here about teaching.

duck - just stay in the high road and disengaged from your sis as much as possible. Hope the cousin continues to do a good job looking after your mum. So sorry about your lung troubles and PTSD from WTC. That's horrible. Hope the counselling comes together soon. You are so right. Laughter/humor is good for us.

dori - so great to hear from you again. Definitely keep those sinuses etc drained. For me that is an ongoing battle due to allergies. I think keeping fire away from mum is a good idea. Hope you got the internet up and running. I am sorry you are disheartened. It sounds to me like you are tired and need a break. Any chance of that? I agree with ice cream for breakfast. It would make me feel better too, but I would need some protein by lunch!

Feeling better again though sinus issues are never far away. I am thinking about my next downsizing effort. I have more and more empty hangers in my closets, so more has gone out than come in, which is great. Time to go through my drawers again, and also to tackle my jewellery chest. But, my next project will be to get rid of some vintage glass that is the dining room cabinet. I need to empty it of everything I don't want to keep, and that is most of it. My entertaining days are over, I think, at least as I used to do them. It feels good.

Have a good evening everyone! Do something good for you even if it is only a few squats. 😊😊😊

Dorianne, Hope your Monday has improved. I think having ice cream for breakfast was a perfect start. Candy for lunch might not be a bad idea.

Hello all....haven't been around for about a week or so. Been not feeling too well. Thought it was an ear infection but the doc says it's just fluid pressure leftover from when I was so sick in December....have to take Sudafed and try to make it drain. Meanwhile it hurts like hell and I keep getting dizzy (inner ear balance stuff). Haven't even read to catch up yet. I will catch up this week. There is no internet again! I am just online for a few minutes, tethered to my phone.....I don't know what's going on, but I know I paid the bills 2 weeks ago! And it's an hour wait on the phone for tech support and I can't wait because I have to get mom to dialysis....and of course there won't be any TV for her if there's no internet by the time she gets back. 

And the kitten bit me this morning and mom was arguing with me about what day it is and why she has to go to dialysis if it's not Monday. And why wasn't home support here yet if it's Monday (it was a half hour before they come)? And also the phone wasn't working properly either (because someone just called and said they had the wrong number). And when I pressed her a little to try to remember any other problem happening with the phone this morning (so I could tell tech support when I finally talk to them), she said "Why are you so mean to me!" And then I closed my bedroom door and started crying.

(Edit: oh plus she went into my room while I was out to dinner last night and searched until she found the spare cigarette lighter - which I keep hidden from her on purpose, because FIRE HAZZARD.  And she never told me, I just noticed this morning that she had a lighter that wasn't tethered down like the one she has access to.  So partly why she thinks I'm mean is because I told her she's not allowed to do that.)

Happy frickin' Monday.

I'm eating ice cream for breakfast and trying to get my s*** together.

Went to meet the contractor at the lake. Everything is finished. Both additions to the main house are finished, along with the renovations to the old guest house. The guest house will now be used for our housekeeper's house. She went with us this am. Everyone likes their new space. M, with his broken leg is the only one who couldn't see his new room upstairs. Jay is moving in his space immediately. I'm going to bring Pam to visit this afternoon. She wants to see all of things I've incorporated from our grandparents farm. The worst part will be getting PJ and the pack rats to clean out their junk at his house - a collection of junk dating back to 1985. I'm glad the construction is done. Coming back we saw a huge bull moose. He crossed road right in front of the truck.

Tomorrow is my first day back at the U. I'm teaching 3 classes. I think I'm ready. PJ is teaching 2 classes. I have to pick up my parking lot assignment and sticker this morning. Always something.

Please bare with me. I had to break the book down a little.f
Golden (((hugs))) I hope you are healing well from the procedures.
Ali (((hugs))) hope job is going well. I tried a natural sleep aid was hoping it would work so I could post it. My dear deceased cousin acutally bought me some sleeptime herbal tea. It did work. I forgot about it.
So my twisted gets a cousing to come sit with my mother. I came in from work, she gave him a key :(
Anyways this cousin like smoked us out when my son was here and we did a cook out. It was his going to korea party. There was a lot of food, it was nice but what i noticed was how this cous. just took what he wanted without asking I mean cleaned up and out. It was no big deal if he had asked I or my son would have said sure. I guess he knew that. But it was the princelple. I love iced tea and someone bought some from their resturant not sweetend and I had fixed my mouth for it. I saw him just take it and I kept my mouth shut. The smoke came from him trying to start the grill up. I acutatlly thought he knew what he was doing had I known I would have schooled him on the down low. But I was busy inside doing other stuff clean meat and cleaning period. My son brings me stress with his events becaxue the house is a messs. But he works a miracle when he comes even if he would throw me out if I sat still long enough.

Anyways this is sitting with my mother she is actually eating and calm every thing looking good, he tells me he has key and what is the plan. Then!! he start going on about organizing the house and this and that. Then he calls me about what I want to eat so I telml him J just worry about my mother. I am not getting involved with this. Its between you and my sister any questions ask her. I started mopping up the pee and do do and he says oh no! I got this. I was like I wouldnt do that to you just keep her safe. He says he offered and twist told him mop is in bathtub. IYYYe yi yi, that mop in there has about 15 strings on it and they are worn. I would be insulted. So I showed him my mop and how easy its is to mop. I love it. its the hurre mop. I use one bucket with soap and clorox and spinn the dirty water in the spinner pail.
So anyways I mop we talk I tell him to just focus on my mother.My mother was napping I went on up and he called me about food as I mention. I shwed him the gadgets I had bought since the gas was cut off (??) and told him not to plug in to many things. Well he blew a fuse says he came up, I guess I was sleep. But go to my sister she there , for what ever. When I come down later he made this lovely cusine, my sister is filling her tupperware and him has taken all the grease coated bowls (old but good) from the top of the cabinet glass dishes glass tops. took most of the stuff out of the cabinet. bowls and disshes to the brim in the sink then a pan half filled with oil like half a gallon. I was like J you dont need to do this just focus on my mother. That S&^%T is still there. He never came back. My mother is getting lucidity so she has moved some of the stuff to who knows where. He was ardently scrubbing a glass bakeware, which is nowhere to be seen. And guess who, does not have a clue or cares or even check to see if and what was going on. Just got he food and left it I left her in her house coat greedily fixing her tupperware and him washing that dish. I came down next day and the sink was piled and I dont remeber seeing the baking dish. As I have said he takes what he wants.
So I dont know whats going to happen. I know I have to be involved becauae I use the kitchen and have a lot old investments going on. Cant keep up with things with my morther packing up the shopping carts. I have had to replace 3 food choppers I couldnt find only to find later. Certain dishes I use were missing too but the stove will be back on soon she hasnt manage to take the knobbs off so I will have it turned back on. I have plans for a lassagna.

Still waiting for the therapy and when I do get it I will share every step of the way if its anything left of me Lol. When I was trying though the WTC health program, I was scared with anticipation and so very disappointed they didnt take me. My stuff was more family than PTS. I cried. So I hope this pans out. I need help and advice in legal stuff. I dont know what she has done or plans to do. It seems she has someone who is telling her things. She always ask nephew if he called Pat. I think I saw her one day as I was leaving she gave me hard steady look. I just walked past her . I have no respect for any one that will feed into twisted lies and delusions. I think she has been advised to get insurance I saw mail from insurance for my mother and her yesterday.

I still haveint gottent that second bank card I ordered so either they are incomptent or Im not getting my mail. I usually get the mail but some time post comes after i leave for work or sat when I get down to late.

On top of everything, I have issue with my lung from the WTC hoping to get certified from the condition. It is the main problem I had from day one and when I get congested I get scared and depressed when the coughing starts to get bad. I take lots of stuff to avoid and Ive been doing good but i had two bouts in thelast months just as I got better the second one was worse and made me scared. I get scared that I will miss the point where I need to run to er before its to late. I cough up phlem constantley take all kinds of stuff to break it up. mucinex works really good but I take other stuff. So anyway. This wears me out also, mentally, physically and emotionaly which Is why I feel for all who post the medicall issues and dealing with them and there is learnng there as well. Thank goodness the knees are being good "Sussssshhhhh"LOL well its not funny but we have to keep our spirits up if we can. I learned that with EmS when I started I was insulted by the humor but it made me laugh then it good to me. We had phrases for different things where you knew from the wordf what it was. That humor saved our sanity well at least mine cause we saw things. I dont want to start going on and on. I say that to say that humor is good for me when I deal with stress. sometimes I cant find anything funny in anyway shape or form then i know its bad.

I am so glad I found this forum. Its such a blessing. Much love for you all.

Rainey, I read your post and started crying my eyes still water as I type. I sent you a hug. A big one from the bottom of my heart. I wish I could give you a real one. Deep down inside I know its all going to be alright. You are probably the loving caring person and that is why we get attacked. I realized a long time ago this is not our fight per say. We need help in this from the higher power we are only human alot of this stuff is pure evilness.

Bookluvr, your post cheered me up a lot. I got a good laugh because that's exactly what happend poof!!!. They meant something to me be not want she thought. They werent just my soon it was people who I would think she would have some honor for. Deceased aunts, pic of my mother young. I had found one of her oldest when he was young and wanted to get magnets. Well what the hell. Now theres nothing on the fridge I just pray she gets reckoned one day. and all that ignorance. But it will probably be like my mother I would tell her everynow and then that if she really saw the stuff that she did she would probably go crazy.

Becky, I hope you and Pam and your brother are good. I just learned from my cousin that her markers went up and they changed her meds and how sick she got from the first dose. I tried not to cry over the phone but all I could think was her down the road, the pain the suffering. She's 40 or so and has had to mastectomies. I hate to say hate but I hate the C word and what it means.
I thought about the power struggle. I just try to do the right thing. My sister turns it upside down and around thats the demon lol. So I come out thursday afternoon and I find a big black bag with a dried up christmas tree and think to my self who put their tree here and wondering if I should rebag it for pick up friday morning. I happen to turn around and I see this big old dried up christmas tree still smelling good, inside the gate. I am like WTF. I acually voiced the words wondering why someone would drag this tree in the gate like its malice, who would do this and why would they put it here!! So I go on to get this microwave some groceriess all my running I get back drag the tree out swep all the broken branches and this eerrie lot of thorn balls from the tree in front. Its not our tree but it grows mostly our front those balls give me the creeps its so many and you see them in rows of them lining the shoveled snow where people have cleaned their walks. So I sweep them up good and clean. I was gettn the iebbie jeibies every time I saw them. So friday morning is garbage pick up for out side of street. I come out friday and the tree is Back!! in the gate and they did not pick up the tree in torn garbage bag. I sleep late so I went on to laundry and seeing the men didnt pick up the tree bag I took it and dropped it in a street garbage can on my way to the laundry. So now I realize its my sister who is dragging this tree in the gate. I am frustrated because its not ours why put it there what is the point. Lots of trees on the street up and down block. So I dragged it back out. Now normally I am always carting bags of trash and junk from house to street everyonge keeps saying you going to get a ticket. Been doing it for ever. My mother used to wait till I am leaving to go home and give me some nasty bag she was holdind for me to dump on my way home. So I would have easlily dragged that tree to a corner garbage so I drag it out and then I make my mind that if she drags it back it will just stay there untill she moves it. It was gone sat when I got out.
This is the kind of crazy I live with. Then!!!! I have so much more Yikes.

Golden, I got a new IPhone 8. I've had it back to the provider store twice. They've ordered me a new one. Hope the replacement is better. I had no choice but to get implants because of cardiac problems. I've had pericarditis once and didn't want a repeat.

Ali, Good that things are going better. I'm selling all of my Mom's designer handbags online consignment. I've done well. I've sold 10 so far. Have about 30 left to list. I may start on some of her vintage costume jewelry next.

Pam is getting along well with her nurses's. Jay and I like both of them. She has had three good days in a row. The doctor switched one of her meds and it seems to be controlling the coughing better. This evening we went to the hot tub and Pam had some of her wine. We managed to get in and out without breaking anything. Pam was worn out after our little adventure. Our aunt Mary is coming from Houston to see Pam on Wednesday. She will be staying until Sunday. We're both looking forward to seeing her. One of her daughter's may come with her. I haven't seen them since 1991. So that would be good too.

I hope that everyone has had a good weekend. I'm off from everything and plan on sleeping late if I can.

I was reading that this year is the worst year for flu in a long time. Everyone take care. 

I'm back to the cafe tomorrow after a relaxing Sunday. I expect that I'll have fewer stress-related flare ups as things move forward and settle down into a new normal for me. And the new PCP seems helpful so far. I'll try a sleep aid and cross my fingers that it fixes some things. If not, I will go from there. I'm feeling better than I have in years, though. I feel that things are going well and decent for first time in some years. My auctions with online consignor are doing well and once these are done, I'll continue to liquidate all of my vintage jewelry collections. This is great! This is what I needed to do -- to simplify, downsize, and get all-things tidied up post caregiving. It's happening, and I'm grateful. :-)

becky - glad it is working for you. I will keep as many of mine as I can, Many are crowned. They only teeth I have that have never needed any work are the lower incisors. I think they will be there for the duration.

ali - I have a weak cell phone battery and it died instantly on exposure. I am planning on getting a new phone, but it has been to cold to go out other than for essentials. I need to take my remotes in to the dealer and see what they can do for me. Hope you get to the bottom of this facial pain. That's nasty!

sharyn - you have to be so careful of scams these days. The wrong click...

essomed -yeah, BTDT too. "Mother is fine. She just has a few little emotional problems." when mother has had lifelong borderline personality disorder and was developing vascular dementia. It sure doesn't help does it. And yes to the encouraging her to not take her meds and to move into a cheaper less suitable facility. Aaaargh!!!

Gina - what a lot you have to deal with!!! I hardly think that all of them in your place is going to work! I don't think the alternatives mean you are not being a good daughter! Becky has given you good ideas. Surely there are service/group homes for people with your bros' problems. I don't see how you can possibly take them in. If you were to be hit by a bus, someone would find places for them. ((((((hugs))))) and good luck and let us know how you make out.

Very cold here again but warming up the next few days. I either ate something off, or had a little return of that flu, or am having withdrawal symptoms from the half dose. In any case, the end result is a touchy tummy and fatigue. It is passing off and I am hoping to get a little more energy back for a trip south again soon to do business there. The weather is quite a bit warmer there right now too. We have decided that the bus is the best as there was black ice and several semi accidents last trip R made, and that can happen anytime in the winter. Better safe than sorry. It may be a bigger deal getting a cab from here to the bus depot.

Take care all!

Gina, I've thought about your situation. Does your brother who has job injuries have Worker's Comp? Is he in touch with Bureau of Rehabilitation? In some cases he could receive payment and assistance with housing thru Bureau of Rehab. They can cooridinate all facets of his life to get him to living independently. For the brother who has IQ 80; does he receive assistance through Department of Developmental Disabilities. They provide services for those over 18 to obtain independent or group living to assist with them becoming less reliant on family members. Your Mom could possibly be assisted by Bureau of Mental Health. I know programs may have waiting lists. But it might be beneficial to get on the waiting lists. Even if they can't help immediately. Maybe in the future.

Welcome Gina, Vent away. We all know about dysfunction, although on different levels. You are in a very difficult situation. I don't know the answers for your situation. Do either your mother or brother have a case worker you could speak with about a solution. Occasionally, they know about programs that perhaps could help. You are right social services are on tight budgets.

Gina
You're in a difficult situation to be sure
There are many folks here who can offer some guidance but it doesn't sound like you can very well move 3 people in with you and still have any ability to function so I hope you can find the aid and assistance needed to help

There is dysfunctional and then there is DYSFUNCTIONAL! Let me just say that there is a lot of love and warmth in my family, and my parents did the best they could, given their limitations. My mother suffered from schizophrenia since I was a small child and was hospitalized several times but treatment was unsuccessful for many reasons (not very good medications etc.). When my brother also had a psychotic break at 16, that brought other stressors to the family. Now the youngest has had so many injuries at work, and is on such a high dose of painkillers, he's angry and separated from everyone, and now at my father's imminent death, he has decided to get in touch with his anger and stop speaking to him. My father has been the most functional, and he has done an amazing job by taking care of my mother and other brother (who is medicated, but on SSI and with an IQ of 80). I will be left to somehow care for two people who do not drive, can barely use the phone, and have come to expect a standard of living that will not continue for them, as my father (bless his heart) has treated them like children, buying them whatever they want, instead of saving for retirement. Combined income for them is 2800.00 per month. They moved to Nevada to be near the brother that is now not speaking to them. All extended family is on the east coast, and my parents never kept up any close contact with them, so I have no family support, as my cousins and I are really more like acquaintances than family.

Everyone talks about social services, but if you really have to start dealing with social security and housing for the aging, there are very few good resources, long waiting lists, and more referral services than services. My friends suggest hiring someone to watch them, but I don't make that kind of money, having chosen to work in the social service industry myself, and I know first hand how fragmented the services are and overloaded the system is, always working on shoestring budgets.

I live in a 2 bed one bath condo and I could move them in here, but that means someone gets the living room, or I share with my mother. While I have come to understand her, she has an "episode" every morning in which she becomes angry, yells and goes into her paranoid delusions and looks for a fight. I moved away at 19 to save my sanity, and have had to keep visits with them structured, as it pulls on my stress levels in a way that is old and compelling.

So, I watch my other dysfunctional family friends who get lawyers to fight over their parents millions and fight over who took the antique furniture from the living room, and I feel so disheartened. I have friends who are supportive, and conflicting advice about cutting my losses and leaving them to the state or being a good daughter and moving them in temporarily.

Thank you for letting me vent

Essomd. Been there. It is just that their denial protects them from guilt.

Guest, thanks for suggestion, the pain source is so far up in where my jawbone connects, and I've had all my wisdom teeth out, so no teeth there. It's some version of TMJ but is stress related... which is a thing, according to Google. People apparently get TMJ pain that is stress related. That would make sense for what this is. It goes with everything else -- the nightmares, the bad sleep, etc. Thanks. :-)

Ali, might you have cracked a tooth that only reacts to pressure?

Dysfunctional families are tough for sure. Makes the care of the elderly loved one far more difficult. Imagine having a sibling who is in denial that your parent does NOT have dementia and believes (and encourages) everything they say.

Sharyn, it doesn't click but it does spasm/twinge in pain once in awhile when I open or bite down. I don't think I'm grinding in my sleep because with rare exception, I don't wake up with the pain, it onsets through the day and gets worse in evenings. Thank you! I've been thinking about what to do. So far the plan is to put hot rice bag treatment on that side at night and that is helping.

Ali, do you grind your teeth in your sleep? Have you noticed if your jaw clicks when you open your mouth? Your dentist may be of help for TMJ.

Dd Hadith set up on a prepaid card from Scentsy. Her pay is deposited on this card. She only left the amount for the phone bill on it. The phone number associated with it is identified as a scam on google.

Sharyn, do you mean that DD signed up to give automatic payments to a fake website, not the real cell provider, so she has been paying to a scammer??? I've never heard of this but sounds like something that could happen in our modern world.

The pain you described sounds familiar. Mine starts up behind my right eye/temple, then down through jaw and throat glands. Before 8-10 weeks ago, I didn't have TMJ pain and now I have it daily in varying degrees. This has been a pattern (if random symptoms can be a pattern lol) where something new starts up out of seemingly nowhere, lasts for a few weeks, months, or years, comes and goes in intensity daily.