The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Thanks Sharyn,
I appreciate it. You know, somedays it seems to hit you full force? Everything just bubbles up and you just want to run. Run far away from everything, find a little island and hide out for a while. But.....you can't. Gotta keep that suit of armor on and wade your way through it the best you can. Someday.................. I keep dreaming. 🌴🍹☺️

Rainey, (((hugs))), so sorry you are going through this. Becky is right, detach, divorce! The more you do the right thing, dysfunctional families let you down, attack, and conspire to add more pain.

Becky,
I don't blame you, I wouldn't get anywhere near those nutcases, especially after all you endured last year!
I know you understand me and I very much appreciate that and I understand why you have the feelings you do as well. We both have been through the wringer and still they expect from us.
Amazing isn't it?

I have a different family gripe. My first cousin's wife died. I have met her, but do not know her well. I don't know my cousin well either. Her funeral is Thursday. Family is mad at me because I said I would not the funeral. This is my Mom's nutty bunch. I am not spending $1200.00 in airfare, hotel fees, etc. to attend the funeral of someone I Don't know.

Rainey, Hear you loud and clear. Divorce yourself as much as possible now and completely when you can. Try not to make yourself sick over the situation. You know they wouldn't do it for you.

I am so over family, I really am. The pain they inflict with their cruelty, thoughtlessness, jealousy, abuse, be it mental, physical or sexual, it is so much more painful when it is your own blood doing this to you. I have to just mentally divorce from them for now until Mom passes on, then I will make it official. The fact I am almost 50, well over half my life ( I would be willing to bet ) as I don't see myself living long after a lifetime of brutal stress and I honestly don't want to either. Most of my life's pain inflicted by family. I even thought I had one ally, my Mom's sister in Chicago, I called her last week to talk to her about Mom falling and what did she do? She attempted to call me, I missed it but tried back 10 minutes later, no answer, not even VM. She never attempted to try calling me back but called Mom instead. Mom is in dementia land, she will never get the facts from her. This sister KNOWS this! Why she never tried calling me back is just the straw that broke the camels back.

I am done with family. They are nothing but a constant source of dissapointment and pain. I am so tired of fighting, trying to do the right thing and getting attacked for it or ignored.
Nothing hurts as much as betrayal by family, that is why this post never ends.

I desperately want the pain to end but it never does, always new things coming up to further justify my feelings towards them. In the end, they cannot say I ever did anything malcious, cruel, or abusive in any way towards any of them. That is honest. I am not saying I am perfect, far from it but I am not and never have been a mean, or cruel person. I was always on the receiving end so I was more than aware of how awful it felt. When you are the youngest in the family, you know you cannot defend yourself, especially being the only female.
This is why I have regrets about caring for Mom, I basically brought it all to the forefront again just trying to "do the right thing" and what she asked me to do for her. I thought since my brothers were grown up, had families, they would act like adults. I was so wrong. Look where it's gotten me.
What's that saying? No good deed goes unpunished? That's how it feels.
Sorry everyone, I am just in a mood today. This is the only place I can let out these feelings where I know most everyone here knows exactly what I am talking about and has experienced very similar feelings.
Thanks again for letting me rant, Duck's story and the responses kind of set off triggers in me about how cruel and hurtful family can be and yes, how LONELY that feels! 😥

Duck, Read about the pictures. For a year or two my Mom and I had a struggle over photos. Mom had photos everywhere of my bad bros kids and grandchildren. I would put out a photo of my son or grandchildren. Those photos would vanish. Or she would make snide remarks about them. I finally put my child's photo in my room. It was a power struggle that wasn't worth the effort. Pick your battles, be the bigger person -  having a photo on the refrigerator isn't worth the stress. 

Duck, it seems to be a power struggle regarding the pictures. I hope it stops as it is passive aggressive.

Margeaux, good to hear from you. Wishing you a Happy New Year!

Ali, congrats on the new job!

Golden, hope the withdrawal pain subsides.

Just working, not much else. January is a slow month, a month to rest after holidays. Doing a little crafting on my down time.

Golden, {{hugs}} for strength as the withdrawals start. I once saw oldest sis try to stop smoking cold turkey. It was not a nice sight. However, after seeing her go through that, I swore to never smoke - cigarettes, drugs, etc... While you're waiting for the meds to be manufactured/available, is it possible to try the holistic approach? Have you tried to see if there's a local native healer in your area to help you deal with the pain? Or was that Alaska I'm thinking of? Sorry, I think it was Alaska. Strike out the local healer stuff.

Becky, thank goodness you didn't hire the nurse that doesn't want to care for a retired RN. You want someone who would really care for Pam because she's a person at the end of her shortened life. I'm glad she wasn't hired.

Hi Margeaux. I don't come here as often as I ought. I think I missed ABB's post about blowing up with her cousin. Either that or old age is finally catching up with me.

ABB, good for you that you've decided not to apologize! My family says that I may be the quietest one of the siblings but I'm the meanest. That's because I tend to be quiet and smooth things over with the family. The peacemaker. But piss me off, and my mouth goes off with the hard truths. Yes, I do feel bad when this happens. But I rarely apologize or back down because most times, I was pushed into the corner before I struck out. And my family knows this.

DDDuck, how much do you value those photos? I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. Rivalry and playing tricks on one another. I also have one sibling who was the Golden child - self centered, vicious, greedy, etc... I'm telling you now, if my sib knew how much you value those photos, one day - you will find it completely missing. You will NOT find it in the trash, or any where in the house. Just a warning....

Duck, got one nurse hired for four days a week and starting tomorrow. We didn't accept the one who didn't want a nurse for a patient. Tomorrow we're interviewing two more for the three day position.

Thank you, Duck, appreciate that! I'm feeling sick to my stomach today, must be from working in a kitchen/food place again, but hope it will pass... and it was a good reminder that apple cider vinegar does wonders! I'm having some to soothe my stomach. ;-)

I can relate to "Hey Lonely Girl" being your theme song. Sometimes I think I'm living in my own little world, population 1, because my family relationships aren't good, either, and friends don't live very close by.  I spend a lot of time by myself and mostly that's ok, but it can get lonely.   

That's weird someone (who??) would bother to take your pictures down now after they've been up a good while.  I'm sorry that someone does that to you because... your response may be "petty" but the action to begin with that you're responding to is petty, too.  That stinks.  Keep your chin up.  

Ali, I am happy for you.

You got it, Margeaux, that cousin is the one who I finally "blew up" about a couple years ago, after she has gleefully and admittedly bullied me all our lives. Thank you for pushing me to stand firm in boundaries I have in place now. I realized the more distant relationship I have with cousin now is better for me. I do feel some guilt, probably because we were raised very close. But I remember her husband saying something about "apologize to (cousin) so we can go back to the way things used to be." And I realize that I don't want things to be the way they used to be. I have enough to stay busy with, Margeaux, I don't need to go inviting drama into my life by apologizing to cousin. How is your mother doing? I hope you're very well yourself. And Happy New Year to you!

Golden, love your move on the cottage lot price. You're right: no matter how good a deal it is, some people want to be certain they've gotten your bottom basement price, so more room to negotiate is brilliant.

Becky, I'm very sorry for the tough time Pam is having. I'm glad she has you.

Hey everyone, good to see you here and posting. :-)

My first day at new work is done. I'm beat. Overall it was a good day but I'm not used to being on my feet all day, so this will take some getting used to. I do get to sit down when it's slow, so I think I'll be fine, just need to gain some muscles for this particular type of work. I forgot, too, how cloying smells can be when you're working in or next to a kitchen all day. I was a bit nauseous by the end of the day, but I think that, too, will adjust. The customers are very nice -- and generous, too -- and the owners are very nice. I think I'll like it there.

Hope everyone's having a good start to the week.

Becky good luck with getting the nursing staff. A nurse who is intimidated by a pt being a nurse is not good news from my stand point.

Margeaux, I thank you for the good vibes.

Things are about the same for me. Its seems like just as soon as I see my way up, something happens that knocks me back. What I have to share is so petty but it is the epihany of my relationship with my sister and my mother and now my nephew.

My son and I bought this fridge about 3 years ago. No one cleans it but me. I mean the gook and concoctions. Once when she wandered someone threw so things out but did not get to the crud and scum that accummulates. Anyways I in my silliness took a stance of not doing anything when my sister told me I dont do anything. Same thing my motheer would say. So I stopped only to be frustrated knowing and seeing no one else is going to do it.

Anyways I have a picture of my son and his family and a few old picutres I find of my son as a child and my mother with two bad ass deceased aunts whom I loved dearly. I keep finding pictures as I clean and Ive been planning to get magnets so I can put more pictures up in a plastic cover.
Well this morning when I come in I find my son's pictures and some other pictures in the middle of the living room floor. Mind you these pics hav been there since over a year with no problem. When I pick lthem up to put them back on fridge the magnet has a picture proof of my nephew. I wont lie. I felt some kind of way. I had noticed I had caught a mouse in trap next to fridge. (as I was cleaning I screamed twice, the second time was when he ran out, my mother leaves door open. He was nice and fat and I was determined to out him.) So when I put my pictures back up I kindly let the nephew picture fall near trap. When I come down to leave for work my pictures are off again his picture is on kitchen table and the mouse is gone.

I know this sounds so petty and childish. I know I should not have fed into this. Its so petty and ovbvious the envy and sabatoge. What made whoever all of a sudden even touch those pictures, its like the nerve,my picutre, my magnet and its the same theme I had to live with since I moved back in. So many of my rights and principles were trampled.

So I am writing a letter to say please do not touch my pictures or magnet placed on the door. If you want , get your own magnet and do as you want. You dont clean door or fridege so what is the sudden attraction to these picutres. Ors something to that effect.

I know its sick minds. I have been letting my sister get away with this type stuff since I was a child. she feels entiltled in her self righteous wrong. there was never any correction to her, she got away with every thing.
My reactions are sometimes wrong and from pent up frustration. All I would like is some justice, to see some rightness. I know it wont happen. I cant make it happen.
I cant wait for this therapy. I tore my nephews proof up and put it in the garbage.
its pent up stuff like this that feuled me when my sister rasied her hand at me the last time. I had to catch myself. I told her she should be glad I pray. I know I am, its all I got.

Ive always felt left out. "Hey there lonely girl" was a song I thought was written for me. I think I am ok and then some more crazy comes my way.

But one thing for sure is that I have learned so much from this forum. So many post Ive read that have kind of prepared me for the changes in my mother. Helped me to anticipate. Even thought its different when its up front in your face it helped me to cope. I so apprciate being able to vent my crazy. I sure appreciate people sharing. I know so many of you are going through more and much worst. Reading the posts ground me in reality of life of the world and I thank you all for that. Not to mention those wise and beautiful old timers and new timers who share their pearls of wisdom and truth.

becky -glad she stabilized. Thx for the update. Having the nurses there should help a lot, and also having hospice come in. You have had so many losses, but not in this particular context. I can't imagine. it must be very tough. Prayers for comfort.

Hi margeaux -good to see you here again. Bring us up to date on your news.

rainey thx - yes, you are not responsible for their behaviours, or reactions to your choices. That is their problem. Your problem is your life and wellbeing. Look after you!

Starting to feel some withdrawal or lack of the meds with some muscle aches. Think it is withdrawal as it feels different from FM. I can handle that better than emotional reactions or brain zaps. Trying tylenol to see if that works. We are heading into another cold spell through to the weekend. Won't go on too long. The days are a bit longer which helps.

I just finished speaking with a couple of private duty nurses. Pam and I both liked the same nurse. She only does private duty and primarily with cancer patients. She works through the hospital registry. She will start tomorrow and will work noon - 10 pm She will work Tuesday thru Friday. Tomorrow another nurse is interviewing for Sat-Sun-Mon. The other nurse we interviewed didn't want to care for Pam because she is a retired RN. She told me she had always found retired nurses were too bossy - her opinion, not mine.  I think having the nurse 10 hrs a day will be a huge help since Jay and I don't have any hands on experience.

We also have Hospice coming tomorrow. I've read all of the information, but still have questions. Pam has everything else in order. This is an experience that I never expected to have.

Becky,

I'm so sorry to hear about Pam's diagnosis. Cancer is hard. I will keep her in my thoughts.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Ali,

I'll start with you. I assuming this is the cousin that was always putting you down in the past.
I remember some of those stories. Don't second guess, be sorry about what you have said to her.
That's what's wrong with some of us, is the fact that we are too nice to these types. I have my own story that I recently experienced, I will write about later. Value yourself, you deserve it. By contrast this cousin deserves what you have told her. That simple!!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Golden,
You always have such excellent advise! For Sunshine that sounded spot on! It took me a long time in my life to feel confident to set boundaries, but even harder when it comes to family. Now I am in the "zero tolerance" zone. I guess you have to be willing to accept the fall out of these things and realize whether they scream and shout, you are finally looking out for your own happiness.
Many times I wish I had not accepted caring for Mom because of the hell I have had to endure from badbro and temporarily sacrificing my life for Mom. I know I did the right thing for her but still unsure it was the right thing for me. I suppose In the end I will know I was the only child who gave a damn enough to make sure she spent the end of her days well cared for.
Your cottage lot negotiations certainly show you are a shrewd business woman! Hope all turns out well. 😉

Becky,
Prayers for Pam. So sorry she is going through this, it is an awful disease! Cancer runs rampant through my family so I understand.
Glad she is surrounded by love and support. It is very difficult to watch someone you love suffer so. A helpless feeling.
My thoughts are with all of you.😥

Hi Everyone,

I want to wish everyone a very healthy, wonderful New Year in 2018! I hope you all get your wishes met, and sending good vibes for this next year.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Becky, Pam is so fortunate to have you and your brother. The visit from her friend and the opportunity to say anything left unsaid is precious. Holding good thoughts for all of you and wishing strength in the hours and days to come.

Becky, (((hugs))) for you and Pam. Such a horrid disease, I pray for her comfort.

Thanks everyone. Your prayers and good thoughts are very appreciated. We've had a long night. Pam thinks she's headed toward the final stages. They have her breathing stabilized and she's resting. PJ got the boys to school and is here now. Jay will be here by 1:00. He's on the train from Boston to Portland right now. He'll drive the rest of the way. None of her testing indicates organ failure, although her kidney function is borderline. But she's hanging in there.

Becky, I Hate Cancer!!! I'm sorry that Pam's lung sx are troubling her more, it is so sad seeing someone you love struggling so, especially when you've only just gotten here there, settled and are so close to each other. I pray her sx improve, and that you both can get some well deserved rest! You take care!

Sending prayers to Pam, Becky
Hope you can rest tonight

(((((((hugs))))) try to get some rest. I hope Jay will be back tomorrow. He will be a support for both of you.

Golden, Her friend left the other day before the bad weather started. I went this morning to check on her. I fixed her some oatmeal (her favorite comfort food) because she said she was too tired to go to dining room or to fix herself. I had brought her chicken soup to leave for her lunch. Her appetite has changed in the last couple of days. She is losing weight steadily - pound or two a week. It's so difficult to watch the decline and her pain. My brother should be back tomorrow unless he has more airport delays. Pam will be happy to see him and so will I. Hope everyone has had a good weekend. It's snowing here again.

sunshine - welcome. It sounds like your mother does not have good boundaries. You and your husband are entitled to enjoy your lives any way you choose to live them. That should not affect her happiness.I agree that detaching is very helpful, and setting boundaries yourself. Distance yourself emotionally from her, let her unhappiness be hers alone, and don't take it on yourself. Take care of you!

ali - the job sounds good and along with the ride share will bring in some money and give you a chance to get back into the "working girl" mode. Hope it works well.

nature - thx -worth a try, but I don't have high hopes, It seems everyone and their dog needs it. I don't know how long it has been unavailable.

Started in the 1/2 dose of F/M meds this morning and hope nothing too much happens as a result. It will take a few days I expect. At least, I am over the flu.

Had a little fun with a low offer on the cottage lot. I countered with a firm figure, and they came back with something lower, so I raised the price. 😁 It was on the low side anyway, and a very good deal for what I had set, but some people want to dicker. Now I have more bargaining room.

Becky, I am so sorry about this down turn in Pam's condition, but I am glad she is calm. I gather her friend must have returned home. Take some time for yourself to regroup. This is very hard on everyone. Keep us updated (((((((hugs))))))