notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Thanks for asking. By fleas, I mean traits that get developed on the surface of our personalities as a defense or coping mechanism. They are not really engrained parts of our personality, but they are there on the surface which means that they can come off.
Ok, I found an article that explains this much better. I can write out the link, but I don't think that I can post the link.
"Fleas - When a non-personality-disordered individual (Non-PD) begins imitating or emulating some of the disordered behavior of a loved one or family member with a personality disorder this is sometimes referred to as "getting fleas".
Fleas comes from the adage “Lie down with dogs and you are bound to get fleas”.
Sometimes, when a person has been exposed to an abusive situation for a sustained period, they will look for ways to escape - and sometimes they will experiment or resort to behaviors which are not characteristic but serve as a mechanism to demonstrate their anger.
These behaviors are often destructive and counter-productive and rarely get the abuse victim what they want. These behaviors usually result in regret, shame and apologies from the abuse victim towards their perpetrator. Some perpetrators may seize on such incidents as justification for their own abusive behavior or as a diversion from it.
Some Examples of Fleas
A submissive partner who occasionally becomes violent towards an abusive person or towards their property.
A placid individual who engages in name-calling, shouting or slander.
A faithful spouse who decides to have an affair.
What it Feels Like
If you have been living for a long time with a person who suffers from a personality disorder, chances are you have been living with the 3 dreadful companions - hopelessness, helplessness and powerlessness. Like an animal forced into a corner it is quite common to have the instinct to fight your way out of it.
Anger is a feeling that comes instinctively when we feel we aren't getting what we deserve. When we feel angry, our bodies produce adrenaline, our breathing rate and heart rate quicken. Our ability to think objectively and perform other maintenance tasks is reduced as our bodies instinctively divert resources towards our "fight or flight" mechanisms. We become like a tightly-wound spring.
However, most Non-PD's are more accustomed to "keeping the peace" than being aggressors and most of us are not comfortable or accomplished in winning arguments or fights.
We will often back down or feel remorse after lashing out. We may begin to compare our behavior to that of the person with the personality disorder and wonder if we are the ones who have "the" problem. It is common for Non-PD's to begin to question if they are the one who suffers from a personality disorder. It is also common for Non-PD's to greatly fear retribution after an angry outburst and engage in a manipulative campaign, similar to hoovering to try to deflect consequences or payback.
What NOT to do
If you find you are doing things that you are not proud of and think you may be getting fleas:
Don't fight fire with fire with a person who is abusing you - you will just feel twice the heat.
Don't use their poor choices as an excuse or justification for making bad choices of your own.
Don't allow your own bad choices to be used as an excuse for somebody else's bad behavior. Everyone gets to be responsible for their own stuff.
What TO do
Learn all you can about personality disorders and the abusive cycle.
Get yourself a support network where you can discuss things that concern you without feeling judged.
Work on setting Boundaries that will help you escape the feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and powerlessness.
Take along a friend or therapist if appropriate and confront the behaviors of your abuser in an assertive, rather than an aggressive way.
Promptly remove yourself and any innocent children from any verbally or physically abusive situations.
I will post again.
Yes and that involves getting free from the trauma bond.
Another thing that can happen, but not always nor automatically is that the child of a narcissist will develop some traits as a means of survival and they can get help for those, what I call mental health flees.
I wish you the best in your journey.
“It’s a good day
to scream into your pillow.”
It’s your decision .
I only went because I could not decide .
So I went , DH and kids came to run interference to help me dodge siblings as much as possible , although two had some ridiculous comments about how “ we all helped and visited Mom after Dad died “
NOT !!! I did 95% of the work and caught all the criticism .
Anyway as soon as the funeral was over My DH and I and my two kids hightailed it out of there for the 4 hour ride home . Did not join the family for the Irish funeral after party.
We stopped at McDonalds on the way home in honor of Mom , she loved their French fries .🍟🍟🍟
I’ve gone to the cemetery a few times . I bring Dad hot tea and Mom French fries and flowers . 🙄🙄. I know it’s silly .
My father wants me try and reconcile with them, but honestly at this point, I can go either way with them. You don't need a lot of hatred at my level of cancer, you need support.
“One of the best lines in the movie ‘9 to 5’, which should be told to every Narc on a pity party (‘Honey, get off the cross, we need the wood.’)”
"No one is going to give you the education you need to overthrow them."
"Beware the person who stabs you and then tells the world they're the one who's bleeding."
"I am convinced that the hardest language to speak for some is the 'truth'."
today's wisdom quote:
"Don't feed the flying monkeys."
“You know how to tell when someone is miserable with their own life? When they look for ways to destroy someone else’s.”
“If you’re reading this, I hope something great happens to you today.”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.
“Some people are mad at you because you aren’t suffering, and they want you to.”
The book below comes with many recomendations on the forum. I finally read it last year & am so glad I did.
Never Simple: A Memoir, by Liz Scheier
"Never Simple is the story of learning to survive―and, finally, trying to save―a complicated parent..."
But also about how it is ok to stop.
She empathized with your pain.
Someone who invalidates your pain will say something like if you think that's bad, you should hear my story or something like I have my own problems. A person who is trying to compete with your pain is never empathetic. No, they try to put your pain down as they push theirs up.
She was doing the opposite by being empathetic
It is sad that she felt the need to put herself down which struck me as signifying that she didn't really hear what you were saying about pain doesn't need comparing for each person's pain is their pain. I think she's had experiences in the past when upon sharing about her pain someone competed with it and thus made her feel put down.
“Smile at strangers and you just might change a life.”
Anymore. It has consumed my everyday life. Any advice? Also It is very hard to get a parent intoI to skilled nursing facility. Medicaid will say that she is not sick enough.
“Banging your head against the wall feels good when you stop.”
I have learned that sometimes, people might inadvertently invalidate what another person is going through in their effort to be helpful.
"If I had to choose, though, I’d prefer that to the people who feel like we’re in competition and they need to one-up me all the time.
Your pain is yours. It’s personally tailored to you. And while our respective life tapestries might have threads from the same place, the designs are vastly different and can’t be compared."
Alva, one coffin at a time! 🤣
But NOT yours YET. Take your break if you want (I should too). Come back revived 🥰
Nacy, ex & bro? That's like Game of Thrones messed up! 🫨
Now what you said here:
"I also feel like people with high anxiety can use it to control people".
THIS is EXACTLY what is happening in my family! Covers what I meant in my 'pedantic habit' comment.
“Therapy is helpful…But screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper.”
“Friendship is a widely underrated medication.”
“We don’t devote enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.”
“It isn’t the ups and downs that make life difficult. It’s the jerks.”
I suspect that I will get quieter as more years go by for I've already announced to immediate and extended family members that I'm no longer attending large gatherings of people where there will be a lot of noise and when someone is up to speak, I can't hear even with my hearing aids on. It's not worth it.
Depending on who outlives who, I can see myself and whoever is still alive being able to just sit and enjoy each other's presence for however long and however often, speaking very few words given how much we have talked in the past. If my wife dies first, I will not marry despite her claim that I will marry her twin who with me finds that idea laughable. We are too much alike and thus, would destroy each other as a married couple. Neither of us will have any of this future casting.
Thanks!
I'd also add this.
2. No matter how much your wife, current or ex, criticizes you, avoid doing the same to them, particularly in front of the children. My dad lived by this one as a single-parent dad. If you are able, help the child validate and work through their emotions to give them some emotional freedom. Your children might thank you for that much later, but they often will with ways that don't always use those exact words, but you will get it.