The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Yes, now someone understands! Trying to get in her head to understand just what my husband's mother will come up with next in her mind, has caused me untold stress in the past. Flawed logic it is, I agree!
If I don't bring her up, hubs rarely mentions her to me at all. We will go with that plan for 30 days, see how it works out. Meh?

Thanks Cwillie, I can always count on you for a reality check.

I think your logic is a little flawed there Send, if MIL doesn't hear from her dear sons wouldn't it just affirm her belief DILs are somehow preventing them?

There are times when I remind dH to contact his mother still. But for the most part, I stay out of their lives. When I hear that her phone was disconnected, I follow up to ask if he has heard from her yet. This adds 4 days of quiet concerns for her.
Her Birthday is coming up soon, and she doesn't want a card (save the planet) (don't remember my birthday, just remember mother's day) rules, etc.
Other family has their own quirky rules about when to send cards, and when not to send cards, so I give up!
Last time, out of the blue, I mailed some money to her.
It was: "All this money! How come just out of the blue, your wife sends money....does this mean.....?"
(All sorts of imaginings, including overwhelming things like, "we're friends now?").

No, we are not friends, I never spoke to her, hubs signed his name to the card, and I am staying away from her best I can since she physically pushed me. And, I will not be sending her our money because we really need it ourselves. Best to not ever bring her up. This year, if I don't remind him anymore, she will find out it is her son's that don't want to speak to her, and NOT the daughter(s) - in-law that "prevent" their hubs from contacting her, as she believes.
Really wish I knew how to get out of this jail free!

Guest, Thoughtful and very accurate. Keep that card with you at all times! And use it as often as necessary...

I started the New Year with a resolution to be polite and maintain boundaries with my husband and in-laws. This is a long post, but a thought filled one for my fellow dysfuncs.
I asked hubs the other day how he and I can build a healthier relationship so that we avoid pitfalls with his parents if something else comes up that my husband needs help with to provide them help. Hubs said he didn't know what a better interaction would look like, that he could not imagine one. Things have gotten so bad between my husband and me regarding any members of his family (brother/father/mother) that "he can't make promises that he knows he doesn't keep with regards to what won't happen". So I realized that I finally have my "get out of jail free" card. My husband just told me that he really doesn't want things to change from the way they are: even if they are not the way that my husband wants, he doesn't have it in him to change and work for something different. The same response that sent my husband orbital when he asked HIS PARENTS how to have a better relationship. A test that I didn't realize that I set up, but he showed me. A weird sense of relief. I followed up by asking how husband planned to handle things should something happen with his parents that requires his assistance or his brother's and he/bro are out of town and traveling for work. "Well, I won't ask you!" Ok then. I visited his mother with him and our son at skilled nursing facility. She is complaining about how alone she is. FIL is at home for past 3 days, with pneumonia symptoms and he is on 24/7 oxygen with end stage COPD. No one called husband. We only visited her because our son said he wanted to and I suggested that we go up on husband's day off yesterday when I got off work. FIL did get out of bed to go to eye doctor for "sense of bursting pain in eye" - cataract. He didn't go to emergency room; FIL is waiting until Thursday to go to regular pulmonologist Thursday. Guess it's not that bad?!? Husband got call from his work on his personal cell phone while we were with MIL - oh, must leave and not see FIL who is at doctor's. Cataract surgery for FIL - on speaker phone husband is offering to go up for surgery without having date - I sat and said nothing. I said nothing when MIL mentioned that she and FIL needed a tax preparer familiar with Medicaid. Not My Circus. I have laminated my get out of jail free card. My husband can go be their monkey....

PJ had group sessions at caregiver support yesterday. His group has a couple of people who have issues with dys family members who feel pushed out and excluded. This is an active, ongoing discussion for this group. One of the members said that she had to back off from them. She says she's in the house 24/7 - it's a multigenerational house that was left to a group of family members. Someone brought up the old Bonnie Rhait song - "I Can't Make You Love Me If You Don't". She said she wanted to be there for her LO, but if they and others didn't want her, she had to back off and quit trying to force them to love and accept her. This is how I felt with my Mom and brother. I couldn't make them love me. They didn't want me there except to do the work and to have someone to blame for anything negative that happened. I detached from them on an emotional level first and finally detached physically. My niece and nephew are in a bad place now, but I'm emotionally detached from them. I think they got where they are due to their own actions and I'm not responding. When people show you they don't want you, believe them and back off. My own riff on Maya Angelou - "When people show you who they are, believe them". I love her writing. Now I have to go my groups. Opposite problem. Needy LO's who want more and more. Never ending demands.

Last week we had a visitor in wee hours of the morning. It was either a large dog or a coyote, it left prints in the snow. Our subdivision is surrounded by farm land and since people tend to not let their pets run around, I’m inclined to think it was a coyote. We had them in the outskirts of town In California too. They live easily in cities and around cities.

Glad, I hope your friend’s dog is ok. Very scary stuff.

Stacey, happy to hear Charlie girl is recovering.

Hope the poor pup will recover

I had a raccoon in my drive on NYE - tried to chase it away by turning on my high beams - it didn't scare but i did and ran from the car to the house

I lived in Florida on the river with my aunt, once day she was having a party on her pontoon boat and one of the people had a little dog with her; guess what a passing alligator did? We all mostly just cope with the stuff that comes with the territory, but I hated it when we had a cougar in the back field near the horses last year. Called the sheriff's office and they sent deputies and dogs; shot at the cat, and chased it several miles. Cougars are always scary, can jump people, horses, whatever, and coyotes wailing gives me the creeps.... but the worst of all here is the EXTREME weather; yeah, I know it's not Canada or Alaska, but single digit highs for 10 days and minus zeros at night? Just makes everything so darn much harder.....

Send,
Twinkle lights to tinkle by

Sorry, I couldn't resist

Poor dog. That's awful. We see coyotes occasionally at the lake in the summer.

Duck, at my old house I had raccoons, really quite tame and would give them peanuts sometimes. Those babies are so cute. A family of three babies and mama once. Well, anyway I was babysitting my oldest granddaughter as a young baby. Raccoons came to visit so got a picture of me, her and a raccoon within a few feet of us. My daughter did not appreciate that pic.

Other creatures have to be careful with letting pets out. Just this last week a friend was closing on a house where she had lived for fifty years. She took her dog with her the last time to say bye to the house. Dog is a little terrier type. A coyote came by and tried to snatch the dog. The dog was injured badly, not sure of the outcome yet. I must check in with her. As of Saturday dog was released to home from ICU. All I can find out now.

Coyotes!, Cougars, Bears, Rattle Snakes! Bison!, Black Flies?!!!

Do these things get close to your dwellings? I heard really cute post of raccoons and some other tye animal getting in garbage. Can you walk in your yards safely.
Dang, I guess all are caluclating when on the hunt but this crazy car driver business is off the chain.

I hope everyones year is off to a good start. I feel a little better. I have to let go of a lot of things.

I just read in this book I am reading, "The Alchemist", about the worlds greatest lie. I quote: ""It's this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That's the world's greatest lie.""

This was an eye opener because I started going in a downward spiral as the situations in my family are evolving. I felt out of control, helpless, lost and then I started wondering if this was my fate. If it was my destiny to get blamed and lied on and misinterpreted all my life.

Im off for a few, the homeattendant may be in place this week, I havent heard anything. I will be talking to the counselor I speak with on phone and I am going to order some knob covers for stove, was doing a little investigating. dont know if they will hinder my mother but I will order and see. Hopefully they will work. Its going to be a while before I master that convection oven. I only cook when I am off and with this oven its a well thought out plan so I cook a lot less. Anyways I tend to go on and on about same.

Have a lovely beautiful first week of the year everyone!!!!! xxxxxx

Caretaking is without a doubt a very difficult job. Sometimes it is the most important job we will have to do.For me it is finding the balance with my family and showing them how to care for elderly in a respectful manner, no matter the relationship I have with my parent. However that does not mean that it is a job we are accepting of. Sometimes it is thrust upon us due to being an only child, closer in location, or the least dysfunctional in the family. The challenge is being able to take on this job and maintain a healthy boundary with family and being able to tell others when you need help.
To answer the question about dysfunctional families....all families have dysfunction. Some members are able to walk away and hope to pick up the pieces of their own lives and families. If you happen to be the caretaker, the dysfunction will play over and over for you. I think everyone needs support. An ACOA meeting, a CODA meeting or plain old talk therapy is a good avenue.

Pam, She has a good sense of humor and is very positive. She cooperates with everything. She says that she wants to enjoy things as much as she can. She's working on a beautiful baby quilt for one of our cousin's children. It will be my aunts first granddaughter. She has it almost ready to start hand quilting. She has always made beautiful baby quilts. All three of my grandchildren have one she made. Her friend Sue is spending the night with her so I'm headed home.

Thank you for prayers and words of comfort. Today she got a huge envelope of prayer cards and notes from her childhood parish in Cleveland. She was so thankful for that. 

Prayers of comfort for Pam

Becky, My thoughts and prayers are with Pam, and I know she so glad of the help you are giving her. Sounds like she is keeping her sence of humor too, and that is good.

Becky,
Poor Pam, I will hope she manages to pull through somehow, I still believe in positive thought but if it is not meant to be, she was ever so lucky to have you there at her side during the worst of it.

Sendhelp,
Since I was a designer, I believe in whatever brings you joy instead of playing by the rules. My tree I spend days on "really" and it is a work of art. I take a lot of pride in it because I have collected wonderful ornaments since I was a child on up so my collection is extensive. No theme tree here! Mom ooooh's and ahhh's and say's it would take her hours to see everything I have tucked in and placed for the best lighting. Maybe that makes a little more sense why I am never in a hurry to whip it down. I look in through the glass doors at night when it's lit up, it just feels magical! Has to be behind the glass or my cats would destroy it in 10 minutes. LOL!

Rainey
Last year, at the suggestion of some very creative people, I hung twinkle lights in the bathroom, making it a sanctuary. Hubs spends ALL his time in there anyway, so why not?
Music, check.
Lights, check
Rubber duckies, check.

Left them up all year!

Go for it Rainey! Ours is half up, half down.

Pam is still in the hospital. The cancer is spreading in her lungs and is damaging the lining and pleura. Since she is on palliative care-they will continue comfort measures. She will be going home on oxygen. She is staying in the hospital for another 24 hours of breathing treatments. They are arranging for home respiratory treatments. Pain specialist visited and wrote scripts for a new mattress topper and chair pad for her recliner. I called to make sure how it needed to be written with her supplemental insurance. They were very helpful and directed me to a local vendor that will bill them directly. These are mostly new experiences for me. Her friend Sue has experience with the same insurance. She gave me a long list of names and numbers for various situations. Plus Pam has a list from when she took care of her husband with cancer. She seems to be feeling better with the breathing treatments.

Well, my husband is back at work after spending his holiday vacation with a very bad flu. By amazing luck, I did not catch it but could not have Mom over for Christmas because I was scared to death she might get it and it was a particularly nasty strain. So......between the sickness, the dysfunctionals rearing their heads and Mom's memory getting exceedingly worse, it was not a fun holiday.
So, here I am, able to finally clean the house properly, do laundry, vacuum and have some "me time." Oh, it is marvelous at this moment, you may find me silly, but I have my Christmas scented candles burning, Christmas songs playing on Pandora, (something my husband doesn't like) and I am having my own private peaceful Christmas that I missed out on. I am leaving my tree up for a while longer because it brings me happiness and I could use any form of joy I can get right now. I don't care if everyone else is whipping down all their Christmas stuff, I will enjoy my own private nostalgic feelings so I don't feel totally robbed of the joy of what was once one of my favorite holidays.

Hi all, my Charlie-Girl is on the mend, now able to walk (after getting a Rabies shot on Friday afternoon), she is eating and drinking, peeing, and can now walk and jump up and down off of the couch, and finally able to do a full body shaky shake, which she normally does frequently throughout the day but was unable to do because of the pain. So on the mend, whew!

Ali, very scary scenario on the drive home, we hear a lot of those stories on the news here, one time I witnessed a car cut off a motorcyclist, and n revenge the cyclist went up alongside the offending car and kicked his driver door (on the freeway going 60 mph!), and the car driver was so stunned, he lost control and caused a 4 car accident, thankfully I was on the inside lane, right behind them and missed being in the accident, but I did pull over and give my statement. Not sure if they caught the guy or not. Motorcyclists are always in danger on the road, but his actions could have killed somebody, they did not, this time!! That is only one of many scary experiences I've had, I don't like driving anymore! Plus, Two of my Son's have motorcycles and I hate it!

Dori, glad you gig was successful and hopefully a nice break for you, all due to your advanced preparation! Sounds like you Mom did Fine too!

Becky, sorry about Pam's breathing difficulties, that is the worst, and can be so scary! We have a lot of Asthmatics in my family and I've cared for a lot of patients having emergency breathing episode's in my work over the years too, you never get comfortable with Asthma! Hope she is feeling better soon!

After several days of dog watching, I'm planning on taking down my Christmas decorations, Yay, the holidays are officially Over! Welcome 2018!!!

Take care everybody!

Becky, the night I drove down to my bro's house, his oldest (freshman in college) was having a party with about 30 kids coming over to their basement, and I was the official chaperone. The ages are the same, 19-20 (a few were older), and there was some drinking. No one seemed visibly tipsy. I trusted my nephew's choice in friends and limits. He's a very good kid. Also, their generation has been raised with responsible ideas, such as having a designated driver, no tolerance for driving while intoxicated. I talked to a few of the kids and everyone echoed these ideas of their own accord, so I figured... they were ok. It was a weird moment not knowing what to do when my nephew confesses to me that his parents (out at a movie) didn't know he and friends would be drinking. 😳 He didn't seem intoxicated, promised me it would be minimum drinking, and everything did turn out ok. But whew! I can understand why PJ would make decision to take keys away! 

My sympathies to Pam.  It's got to be tough to be so ill.  

...

I have an ongoing discomfort and soreness in my jaw, like a TMJ pain.  I thought I'd see if some drops in my ear would help, though.  So strange to have pain start up from seemingly nowhere and nothing, so it could be a minor infection that's lingering.  I was thinking to use some Apple Cider Vinegar solution.  Just mentioning because you guys tend to be wizards with the home remedies and advice on these things, and thought you might have other ideas for me.  I just want to rule out that it's infection.  

Hi dori - ah, the Loops. It can get pretty hot there too. Glad the gig went well. Sounds like fun. Also glad you made the drive back safely. Mum had a fall - maybe! Just when you were away. Hope she s OK. Warming up a bit here as well.

Becky - sorry to hear that Pam is not doing well. hope the pulmonologist can help her. Oh those teenage boys!!! Sounds pretty typical. I am glad that PJ can handle them. You had quite a night. I think they call it "life." Yes, way better than some of the antics your dysfun fam have put you through.

We have moose in the bush around, but not in the city. Deer live in the ravines in the city, and eat my cedars.Middle son hit one on his way home once - dented his a car. You have a lot of wildlife. I have seen coyotes and foxes in residential areas, and once a wolf. I think the fire drove some of them to other areas. We will see if any deer turn up this winter. We have less bear sightings now than we used to. Same temp here, and warmer days forecast. Pretty pictures help!

I'm back at the hospital with Pam. She has lifelong asthma and chronic bronchitis and now metastatic lung cancer. Her breathing difficulties are extending beyond what nebulizer treatments can handle. So here we are at hospital. Respiratory therapist has given her two breathing treatments. She was worn out from coughing and not sleeping. Sue left to go back to her apartment and get some rest. I haven't been sleeping much anyway, so I Stayed. They weighed her in the ER and she had lost three pounds since her last visit. She said she had only been able to eat a little oatmeal and a little soup. She's always thin, so losing weight is not a good thing. She is having a consult with pulmonologist later this morning. The intense coughing is also causing her back pain to intensify. So definitely not an easy night for her.

Hope everyone had a nice New Year's. Mine was very different. Teenage guys acting being teenage. Definitely not my circus, not my monkeys. PJ handled that. They went out bobsledding and someone brought a bottle (they needed warmed up was the story). Mostly guys home from college and seeing high school friends. Then contending with a 9-yr old with broken leg and bored with inactivity. Then this run to the hospital. But still way better than some years I've had in the past with my dys family. So I guess one has to put it all in perspective.

Dorianne, Good that your overnight gig went okay and that things went fairly well with Mom. I'm sure it was a good break for you, although tiring.

Golden, We have moose, black bears, fishers, porcupines and raccoons. Moose regularly butt one of the boys trucks - it's bright red - the only color they really see clearly. Bears try to get in trash or gardens. I live in a one stop light town and it is only a yellow flashing light - so not much traffic.

Temperature sign at bank says minus 21 F. We've settled into the usual winter here. Couple inches of fresh snow every night and bitter temperatures. Spring is a long way time away. I'll start getting plant and seed catalogs in the next week or two, so I can look at pretty pictures.

Happy New Year everyone! I dunno about you, but I was certainly glad to see the back end of 2017!

Duck - Adele is an award-winning British singer - maybe you know some of her songs like Rolling in the Deep (youtube.com/watch?v=-fmCoUjOMXU) or Hello (youtube.com/watch?v=DfG6VKnjrVw)? (We cover those 2.) I want to say she's a pop singer, but I'd more say she's a good old fashioned torch song singer. She has tremendous power - but also exquisite control over that power.  Her songs are definitely among the most challenging for me to sing!

golden - I'm actually in the Thompson Valley. "The 'Loops," as we call our fair city, lol. I sing and I play rhythm guitar, though I've been playing less guitar lately with the band....not really because I want to, but because with my injury, it's quite painful to stand in the same position behind a microphone stand all night. We have a lead guitarist too, so it's working out ok. :-) I am tempted to order some of our foodstuffs online too! Grocery shopping is becoming a PITA!

Rainey - I feel your pain with badbro. I have a cousin like this, always trying to get money or loan co-signers out of family.....and he manipulates everyone into trying to see it as a measure of family and love. Which is just gross. He can't even remember how to spell my name or my brother's. So much for family and love! I've intervened a few times and the last time, he felt the full force of my menopausal rage....he hasn't asked since!

Ali - that's definitely one of the weirder stories I've read about aggressive drivers! Sometimes I see such weird things on the road, that I wonder how many people are trying to play "Grand Theft Auto" (the video game) for real....

glad - ha ha, I call it "rush minute" here, too! After driving in Vancouver, things seem so tame where I am now.

So the gig went pretty well except my voice was starting to crack up near the end of the night. Our new song (Katy Perry's Firework) was so fun we did it twice! We also got asked to do all the Adele twice. There WAS a small contigent in the crowd that were grumpy because they wanted a country band. Even though we sent the set list in advance!!! And even though we DID do some country and country rock. We played till 2 and I think I got to sleep around 5. We (the band) were just sitting around talking and laughing in one of the hotel rooms till 4:30 - that's a sign of a good gig, lol. (We didn't play at the hotel this time, but we have before, so they gave us the staff rate on the rooms, which was a really sweet deal at $35 each!)

I had to get up at 10:30 to take care of the business end of things (I don't mind this job - it means I get all the receipts in my name, which is helpful at tax time!), and then help tear down our gear.  SUPER tired driving back, though - had to stop for a giant (terrible) coffee along the way.

Everything with mom seemed to go off without a hitch - regular texts from BFF and her hubby, who took turns coming over to check in. Then this afternoon when we were packing up our gear, I got a phone call from the nurse at the dialysis unit. Apparently mom had a fall last night and the nurse wanted to know the details. Gulp! Bad caregiver! Out playing rock and roll music at a party while her elderly mother is alone and falling down! (First night I've left her alone since June.)

Anyway, I guess mom self-disclosed this, BFF knew nothing about it. I think they must have asked her if she'd had any falls - they need to know if she hits her head so that they don't give her blood thinners that day. I don't know if she really fell or if she's confusing it with the 2 falls she had Thursday night. She seemed ok when I got back and picked her up, though.....oh except that she had apparently dressed herself in a flimsy windbreaker that morning, even though it's 15 below (celsius) out!

It was -28 where we played last night. I'm really appreciating -15 right now, to be honest.

glad - if you drive north to Fort Chip you can encounter bison on the road - and you wait till they are out of the way. Our traffic here is quite bad now compared to when we first came. It's rush hour now.

duck - Happy New Year! Hope you can get into therapy and work some of these things out. I know you are deeply stressed and I agree with your cousin about an intervention. So sorry about the accusations. They are abusive and very hurtful. ((((((hugs))))) Prayers always help.

Yup, Golden, rush hour here is rush minutes. I am close to my office about 1.5 miles. Even if I lived on the edge of the county I would still be within 15 minutes, and without traffic!

Happy New Year!
Ali at first I am thinking that the person was drunk and taking the middle to be safe. That sounded really scary. Nice to bring in the year dancing and cheeful.

I discovered that lechitin (which I was taking while doing herbal and vitamin experiments to treat lymphedema in my leg) works well to prevent a hangover or any kind of over after a night of drinking. When I worked EMS we did a lot of drinking getting together if we or another unit had a bad call. Nothing like a good laugh or cheer. I had taken two one night and knew I should have been sick the next day but I wasnt. So I tried it again, It works and works for me that is. For some reason I thought you were in NY. My son just visited a friend somewhere in Chicago. He and his wife were saying they dont call it the windy city for nothing!

Well my New Year was an extended ride home. My relief, whom I had to orientate was late1/2 hour and then part of my two hour trip was spent sitting in train and finally have train service totally dirupted. So I had to wait forever for a bus, it was freezing. Guy gave me the wrong sandwich order and it took me about 3hour to get home.

My real thing is that I am deeply stressed about my situation. I know deep down that it is the same thing over and over. That I need to break the circle somehow. I just dont know how. I feel as if I have totally missed some important key in life. Sometimes I feel like its going to be alright and that justice will prevail. Then I look and think how I been in the shiesty circle all my life. I feel like I am missing and integral sense that I allwo myself to stay here.

I look at the things that are said and feel the spite behind believing and thinking such things regardless that its wrong Just the fact to believe the trype of sh##t I get accused of. I am overwhelmed. there is so much in me that I have to figure out and work on so much in me that I am now seeing I truly dont understand. I began to wonder about my mother saying "there's something wrong with you" being true because who in their right mind would stay in this hell. I am getting more panic symptoms, my heart racing no when I am thinking on my way home. Oh yes I stand up and stick my chest out but deep down inside this shit is tearing me apart. I am so looking forward to getting the therapy that is in the works. I cant afford rent. then I feel I have just as much a right to live in my mothers house as my sister. No stove, no microwave. I cant even heat up her meals on wheels. Ive been planning to buy a microwave, but I am holding off to see how this is dealt with when the homeattendant comes. that covection oven is not good for heating. I bought a double hot plate also but really its sad that my sister and nephew are ok with feeding my mother street food.

I keep praying it gives me hope. I spoke to a cousin and she was saying like we need intervention. That one of the elders now deceased would have nipped this nonsense in the budd. I just know that part of the solution is checking my self and accepting my truth. I think I do that or at least I try. I dont make up lies so I can be right. I am so tire of being wrongfully accused. Its abusive. My ex used to accuse me of looking at other men and sleeping with them. My mother everything under the sun, taking her money, trying to take the house, My sister trying to hurt my mother. Now cursing her out and stressing her into a stroke. I pray this comes to an end and I see some justice and not on that I live to see it.

Bison? Really? Wild ones? We have rattlesnake and coyote much easier to deal with than agitated drivers. And blizzards here too. I actually enjoy a big snow.