The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Happy New Year, mally. I think I would prefer to deal with your stuff too. Here we have forest fires blizzards, bears, bison, blackflies...

glad -me too. I want to move to a smaller place where nowhere is more than a 10 minute drive away and the rush hour is rush minutes. Sigh, I miss those days here.

Mally, I know exactly what you mean. I grew up in Denver, now I am in a small town. I would never go back to the big city. No traffic, no frustration due to it. Mostly people behave.

Ali, maybe a small town is in your future yet... Happy you are ok. Darn, the car got towed. Take care of you.

AliBoBali, both of us are from Chicago, lived other places, and met in Denver. We've lived 20 plus years in a SMALL town out west now, and neither of us thinks we could cope with stuff like you said happened tonight... we only deal with cougars (both kinds), coyotes, rattlesnakes, drunken Indians, and stuff like that now.... Happy New Year everybody!

rainey the only change you can make is between your ears and in your heart. Bad bro is not worth your health breaking down. It is so hard when it is a family member/sibling hurting us. Every time I think I have let my sis hurt my heart for the last time, it happens again, hence the no or very low contact. I don't know any other way to protect myself. It must be much harder when (s)he lives near by.

I have a couple of good food stores within a few blocks but at the temps we have been having I was not going out. Ah, I just checked and it is up to 14F. Wow! A heat wave!!! Grocery shopping soon!!!!

Praying for peace and quiet for you. (((((hugs)))))

ali - Happy New Year! Too bad about the car tow. That incident in the road must have been scary. It sounds deliberate.  Nasty!!!!  Low level anxiety is no fun.  We can get into a fight or flight mode too easily. Working on the issues helps. Don't go too crazy at the gym, easy does it. Even start with an outside or mall walk most days of the week. ((((((hugs)))))

Hey all, Happy 2018. :-) Hope the new year is off to a good start.

I had planned to work (driving ride share) for all of New Year's Eve night, but there weren't that many people out and there were TONS of drivers out so it was quite slow and I decided to go out dancing for a bit instead. I met up with a good friend and we hung out until early morning at a friendly house party. It was nice enough. :-) I drank too much but I had today to recover and nurse myself with soup and tea. My ex sent me some black elderberry syrup that he swears is great for immune. I'm going to try it, hope it will aid my recovery and more than that, will be a good immune boost in general. I could use that!

It would've been a pretty decent start to the new year except my car was towed. Chicago is THEE WORST when it comes to ticketing for expired meters, ticketing for anything and everything, red light cameras, speed cameras, and towing quickly and often. The lot I parked my car in was unmanned (and almost empty) when I parked around midnight. I would've been happy to pay them and I've used that lot before when there is no street parking close to this one night spot I frequent. I left a note on the dash with my phone number asking them to call me if they returned to the lot and I'd pay them. Alas, the car was towed. :-( Pricey mistake and I didn't need that hassle. Sigh. Chicago is THEE WORST for this type of thing, though. So I think it means that I need to take public transportation and ride share more often. I can't keep paying several hundred dollars a month in tickets and other car-related expenses like that.

I wanted to share something that happened after I had picked up my car from the tow lot and was driving the 20 minutes back home. I wasn't in the best mood due to the towing, plus it is so very cold out, so I was cranky. There was a person driving in the middle of my lane, going same way as I was, and instead of picking one lane or the other, they drove down the middle. Not a huge deal, as the street was poorly marked and it wasn't super clear that there were 2 lanes, I thought they were making honest mistake. They were also doing about 10mph under speed limit though, too, and when I had a chance to pass them, I put my accelerator all the way down to be able to zip around them. BUT THEN... they gunned their engine, too, as if they didn't want to allow me to pass, and that was only the beginning! Then they tailgated me, at one point they screeched their brakes because they almost rear ended me, or they were trying to intimidate me, not sure. Very weird, but it happens, that people act like lunatics on the road, and I picked my phone up to call police but... I didn't think the situation would escalate further, and it didn't. So this driving in the middle of the road at 10mph under speed limit was no accident, but was some person doing this driving technique to mess with another car. What a weirdo! I had a moment of wondering if they were unhinged enough to actually DO anything to me or my car, thankfully nothing serious happened.

I had quite a bit of adrenaline surge when that happened, when they started tailgating me, and after the danger had passed I thought about how it felt. I thought about the fact that I'll get that sensation sometimes when there is no danger around, that I live all the time with a low level anxiety feeling. ANY DAY NOW I'm going to join the gym down the street here and start working out again. I think it will help immensely with my anxiety and I have to take better care of myself if I'm going to achieve my work goals this year.

Just a self-focused ramble, wanted to share about the crazy driver, mostly.... :-) lol

Stacey, I'm happy your doggy is improving, poor thing.

Golden,
Tell me about it! People were letting off firecrackers, louder things for quite a while after midnight. What is the big deal I wonder? So, it is a New Year so that is a reason for causing a raucus in a quiet neighborhood? I will never understand the herd mentality.
Right you are about badbro, I am already experiencing gastrointestinal issues due to the mere thought of dealing with this again. I know he should not have that kind of power over me but my body goes into the fight or flight mode at the mere thought of any interaction, I immediately start having issues.
I took an Ativan after spending most of the morning in the bathroom and am trying to just calm down now.
I long for the day I never have to worry about dealing with him again.
I do a lot of shopping online, cheaper, and easier than running around hoping to find what you want only to strike out. The harder part is food but luckily we have many major food stores in fairly close proximity.
Thank you for your support regarding badbro, unfortunately, I am really starting to pay physically with the stress and I can see no way out unless he starts up again and I must put a restraining order on him. I am so tired of fighting, I just want peace and quiet.

Duck, If you believe your mother is not being properly attended why not contact APS and let them investigate. Or if that is not an option contact Legal Aid (free service) and get advice on seeking guardianship or perhaps another option.

rainey - good decision to tell mum not to go and to put a restraining order on bad bro if you have to. Sometimes a girl has to do what a girl has to do! Yes, shame on him! Just set your boundaries, whatever they are, and relax and let it happen . Do NOT let bad bro bully you. That is why I have largely cut my sis off. She just got remarried and wants contact and I have allowed some, but the minute she gets nasty again, I cut contact again. No fuss, no feathers, just - "You are out of my life." Because of mother, I have to have a little contact with her, but once mother is gone... There comes a time when a person needs peace. Look after you, expect him to act as he always has, and protect yourself and your mother from him.

Hope everyone had a safe and happy New Years Eve. I went to bed early, but some local person set off firecrackers at midnight. It woke me up! 😠 Today I made a New Year's resolution I know I can keep. I am ordering more groceries online from Wa*mar*. I can't order fresh food here, but I can get paper goods, cleaning supplies, canned goods and such, and that helps to reduce the size of the order when I do go shopping.

This year is the year of the Warrior Queens and Kings. We are warriors all of us. 😊

Going to have a quiet evening here, told Mom not to go to badbro's because last time I allowed that, he kept her out until nearly 2:00 am!!! I waited up and was not thrilled. She is not a teenager anymore and coming home at 2:00 is unacceptable. He has requested she spend his B-day (this Thursday) dinner with him. I told her he gets no money. I mean, for God's sake, she is seriously sliding mentally, when does he ever think he should quit expecting money and gifts? That is all he ever invites her for, there is always an ulterior motive, not once has he ever asked, "What can I do for you?" I still won't allow him on the property, and she has no control of her finances (obviously) because she cannot make sound decisions or remember minute to minute. Wish I could see his face when he opens her card and expects money and there is none! I dare him to say a word to her or start writing me hate mail again. If so, I will slap a restraining order on him, I have had enough and do not want to go down this path with him again. I was finally settling down a bit and here he comes again, just in time for the holidays and conveniently, his B-day. He is a leach on society and never quits trying to get money or gifts from anyone he can. It's really disgusting. My poor mother, she can't remember and struggles just to put sentences together and remember what you told her a minute ago. Shame on him.
Pray this does not start a s#*+ storm again, I am just not up for another war.
Thanks Becky and Golden, wishing both of you a better year to come. *Hugs*

Happy New Year everyone. May 2018 bring many blessings to everyone.

stacey - so glad charlie is better. We love those fur babies.

yellie - welcome I think here we are talking about narcissism in the area of mental illness - as in "extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for admiration, as characterizing a personality type." (from the web)

dori - we are almost neighbours! lol Sounds like you are near Osyoos. Hope tonight goes well. I sure understand not wanting to drive the roads at night. Next time make it "No". Do you sing and play? Wow, talent either way!

windy - it seems as we get older, it just isn't worth it. I understand.

rainey - hi, nice to see you again. Hope you can relax some in the new year

duck - you too. I am sorry about the accusations. Toxic family for sure.

started back at my exercises yesterday as enough time has passed since surgery, and I am feeling it a bit today so taking it easy.

Hope everyone has a good evening - quiet or otherwise.
Thinking of you all and wishing you the best.

Dorianne, what is Adelle, is that the singer or a type of music. It must be awesome being a performer. Sounds like hard work but a lot of fun.

Happy New Year to Everyone!!! May rays of light, love, peace, prosperity, health and happiness feel our lives in this coming year!!! xoxoxoxoxoxooxoo

I hope the majority of this bull gets washed away with this comming new year.

Book, it go to see you on.

I am trying to catch up. Plus I have a lot of venting to do I feel like I am falling apart in my heart and mind with the situation with my mother. She came home yesterday. My sister and nephew were at hospital day and night. I felt kind a kind of way since I have been blocked from her care and i was ready to go to administrator if thing were such that I could not be given info.
I was pleased that my nephew was cordial. I happened to catch surgery doing round and saw cat scan. Seeing an old stroke and then the subarachnoid bleed. A bleed in one of the layers out side the brain. Its common to happen to seniors after a fall. Well now we had it out before I left for work. I was telling them to make sure she has a home attendant because another fall could take her out. I said that friday morning as I was leaving hospital. When I got there the doctor was there and I asked what was going on and said I was her daughter and I felt some kind of way when she asked if she could give me information and the delay in response and smungness in my sisters demeanor. My nephew says yes before my sister answered. I was walking with my mother throught the ward as she was getting antsy. She had given the staff a hard time both nights. One of the staff commented that that was what was needed instead of tying her down. That is what my nephew and sister were doing to keep her in bed. So I am feeling now she hopsitalized they with her 24 7 and good. It takes this to happen for them to realize she needed around the clock monitoring. I work with an agency, no sick or family days.No work no pay. They did not involve me in this vigil of care that was started and I felt left out and was strong in not feeling honored becaause my nephew was communitcating mildly. As I walked with my mother I got tired as I had just got off from a 12 hour shift and I left early so I could stop at hospital before my 2hour ride to work. Anyways as I tried to guide her from her intentions stuff came out that gave me flashbacks even as I put lotion on her legs. I took off her socks to moisturize her dry feet and she went into this thing about how I am always doing something. Then later she says something is wrong with me. In that usual tone, so I had to coax my self not to fall into the feelings it tiggered. Its a lifetime of being blamed and lied upon and then being sentenced and jailed, wrongly.

Well now today my nephew says the doctors say the bleed could be caused by stress and I curse my mother out everyday and he has seen it and then my sister busts in and Im like lets get it on again... My nephew tells her to get out then she says my mother used to tell here when she came home how I cursed her out. so now they are trying to blame this on me. So l tell my nephew a fall is the most common cause and I saw a mild bruise on her cheek weeks ago. Hes like o yeah then ? didnt you call an ambulance. I may have mentioned it in a post but she had no pain when I touched around it. and her mental status was same. But my thing is the hurt that opens up when I am falsely accused and have no recourse only God is my witness to all this wrong. Not to mention the fact that because of these same false premises they did ther damned best to stop me from getting meals on wheels. I dont know how to deal with this animosity and selfrighteous ignorance. on top of being cast out. I think I am strong and then I get a big tight hug from my patient and I want to boo hoo.

Hi All, my Charlie-Girl is improving, and I'm So glad! It was scary there for the first half of the day, as she was not peeing, though she hadn't been taking in as much water than she normally does, so I began giving her 5 CC's of Pedyiite in a syringe every couple of hours, and she started peeing after a few hours of keeping that up, at least she is eating and is not throwing up.

We've had 2 lots of company, short visits, and her normal protective and excited side came out, so I can tell she's feeling better, but is still sore in her hind, and is still pretty sleep, so has rested most of the day. Hopefully she Will continue to improve in the coming days. After seeing this improvement, I did not tasks her in to the Vet's office, but will do if things change for the worse.

No Glad, she has never shown any bad side effects to any previous immunizations, so this was a first, and definitely her last! Thank you all for keeping her in your thoughts!

We had a nice and quiet barbeque steak dinner at home, and are settling in for a quiet evening, with plans to watch a couple of movies, that's it for us anymore, I don't like to be out on the roads on holidays, too many drunks on the roads! Actually, it's probably better now that there is Uber and the like! I know that my kids make use of these services, and I'm glad that they do!

Night All, and H...N...Y...!!!

Wishing everyone a good new 2018!

I’ve read through the posts here and in reading about the issues about PD, BPD, dysfunction and narcissism. I’m not an expert in the field of psychology and would like to hear any thoughts on this. Just seems lately there’s a trend to generalize all narcissism as wrong. I like that making an effort of looking good and having the occasional ego boost from a compliment is ok, accepting recognition for something you did well physically or otherwise seems like a good thing. I understand we naturally have narcissism in our make up to have a healthy ego. I think when that character trait becomes defective and out of balance or dominates / exaggerates behavior to manipulation, causing emotional or physical harm and damages self or relationships, I tend to call it “extreme narcissistic” behavior. The out of balance lot of narcissism. Anyone agree or disagree?

Rainey, Sorry that the holiday dysfunction hit you so hard. Wouldn't it be nice if we could ignore them completely or effectively shut them out? I'm sorry you're Mom's memory is worse.

We're doing nothing tonight. I'm sure some of PJ's son's will drop in. We have the baby for a couple of hours. She's asleep. So far we haven't kept her when she has been awake.

I hope that everyone has a peaceful evening. I hope that everyone has a healthy and prosperous new year. Happy New Year! Everyone take care of themselves.

Stacey, has Charlie had this reaction to a rabies shot before? What did the vet say? Hope she is better quick!

Hi everyone,
Been a while since I posted here, all has been fairly quiet on the dysfunctional front except nothing like the holidays to open up those flood gates again! Mom is getting worse, memory lasts a minute or so on a lot of stuff, so have to keep going over the same stuff, over and over and over at nauseum. Badbro invited her to come spend New Years with the family and she cannot remember why I booted him off the property to begin with. He is not right in the head either so you give him an inch, and he thinks everything is fine again. It will never be fine again but now Mom cannot remember from an hour ago (or a minute ago) on some things so I have to keep rehashing this junk. Jeez I hate the holidays now. Then, Mom feels she has to put on her show that nothing is wrong with her and to keep up appearances. It just wears me out.
Just get me through until the next damn holiday where my good for nothing brothers send there cheap presents and cards and she can't remember what they even gave her. My badbro sent a picture of his daughter on Santa's lap, Mom kept asking who the little girl in the picture was. 😥

(((((hugs))))) staceyb and Charlie-girl.

So last night....well, I had a long nap to get rid of my headache, got up in the wee hours, then was up till 6 listening to some tunes on my headphones for this gig tonight. Quietly - it wasn't me who woke mom. But 5 AM, mom got up. "You know it's your day off, right?" I asked. "No it's not, is it?" "It's Sunday, mom." "It's SUNDAY?" Panic was already setting in about going away.

11:20 AM, I'm just waking up. I hear the TV go on. I go out there. "What time are they coming for me?" she asks. "Who?"  "To take me to dialysis."  She can't even remember who's coming.  "Mom, it's SUNDAY," I say. "IT'S SUNDAY??" she asks, wide-eyed. "Mom, why would someone else be taking you to dialysis if I'm still here?" "I don't know!"

Head in hands. I don't know how this is going to work. I've got knots in my stomach. I just texted my friends asking if they can come early tomorrow, just so she has time to get ready (in case she doesn't know what time/day it is and sleeps through home support coming).

I would have set up home support to come today if I thought she would answer the door, but normally she sleeps till 4 or later on the weekends and doesn't hear the door or the phone. I hope she answers it tomorrow when they come.

And now I'm mad at my friend who pushed for this gig in her town, knowing I've got this situation down here, and I've told her a half dozen times I can't go out of town overnight anymore. It's dumb and wrong of me to be mad at her, since I really should have just said no.  But I guess I need to be mad at SOMEONE.

Happy New Year, and may it be healthier!

Stacey, I’m so sorry. Poor Charlie, I hope she recovers quickly with no lasting issues for her. I wouldn’t want to give her anymore rabies vaccines either. Very scary. I’ve not had issues with my little pup but Charlie is 1/2 her size. Take care of your baby and she will get well soon.

Hi SharynM, HNY to you too!!! When We get further along in our living room decorating project, I'll take a pix for my Avatar, but we are no where's near finished yet! Hopefully now in the New Year, we can get busy and do some more, bit by bit!

I am currently dealing with my Charlie-girl, who is having a terrible reaction to the Rabies shot she got at the Vet's, the day before yesterday!!! It was a rough night, she is having great pain in her hind leg (her whole body), and can barely walk. She is eating though, and I am giving her syringes full of Pedyilite often, plus a bit of honey, to keep her sugar's up. She did have a small seizure the night of her shot, which thankfully only lasted about 3 minutes, her 3rd one in all of her 3+ years, and those others have been related to low BS and not uncommon in Tiny dogs.

Its so scary, and I'm praying that she recovers and quickly from this trauma! I will never give her another Rabies shot, that is for Sure! I know that the vaccine has all sorts of things in it that boost the way in which the antigens released into their systems, but obviously Way too much for my 5# pooch! I hate that she is in pain! Has anybody else ever had any sort of Bad Vaccine reaction in their pups? She is our first ever dog, and I'm scared to death!

So it couldn't be a worse start to the New Year for me, as you guys know that my Charlie is my everything!

So Back to tending to my baby now, but HAPPY NEW YEARS to you All, may 2018 bring peace, Love and Happiness to you!!!

Good morning and Happy New Year!

Book, you are a year ahead of the rest of us, for a short time! We will catch up, lol!

Dori, a musician! Sounds like you really enjoy it and I am sure your band is very good. I love guitar, acoustic, but I do love some of the electric guitar solos too!

Windy ridge, in my home town, all the musicians from our high school days get together and play at different night spots. It is popular for the 60-70’s era group who like to go dancing.

Becky, I am sorry to hear of your sil. In some ways, it’s not surprising and I can understand how you feel. I sure hope for you that 2018 will end them calling you to pay for what they are responsible to provide in their own lives. Good to hear you are reopening the center with an upgraded operation plan.

Golden, picking a POA is never easy. It sounds like you have it covered well with your dd and ds.

Stacey, I hope you have rested up after all the celebrations and dancing. Of course there is always more to tend to at home. I wish I could see your home (inside), with all the lovely improvements you and hubby have completed.

Back to work after Christmas and we are now short handed as a young girl decided not to show up after Christmas. We are all having to work 7-8 days before getting a day off. I’m not off until next Thursday-Fri. It doesn’t give me much time to get out with my son. We are going to dd’s when I get off work tonight to play board games and eat! I have offered my car for my son to use if he wants to go browse. Dd can’t go out as she is potty training L who is receptive to the process this time. My hubby will not babysit and deal with potty training, lol!

Happy New Year and blessings for 2018 for all!

Happy New Year bookluvr! Hope it's an awesome one for you! I'll catch up with you in about 18 hours, but I can't wait to say goodbye to the horrible year 2017 has been!

Book, I was just thinking about you, knowing the time was about right. Thanks now I don't have to look up the time on the world clock. Nor do I need to stay up until midnight. 2018 has already begun. HNY, Book

Fireworks!! Thank goodness our neighbors have decided to heed the law and not be shooting off their guns and cannons. (One little girl got hit by the bullet when it went through their tin roof house.) It's now 2018!!

Becky - yes, hockey is our unofficial national sport! Even in the summer. (Road hockey is a traditional pastime when there's no available ice, lol.) I was brought up in Vancouver, which is a beautiful place. But the rain.....if it didn't rain so much, it would be perfect, lol.

It's funny though....I always thought I found Vancouver oppressive....now that I've moved my mother here, I realize it's my family I find oppressive!

Windy - I wouldn't mind doing music for work if the gigs were there, but the work just isn't plentiful anymore and it's hard work to get what IS out there. People don't seem much interested in live music anymore. As for setting up and tearing down....as the token girl, I've always prided myself on doing my equal share! So maybe I don't have the same view as you, lol. Most of the other women in music here in town are singers who never touch an instrument, and never do any of the heavy lifting. Plus I started doing this later in life, so I always felt the need to "prove myself" around other musicians, besides wanting to earn a higher level of respect. It's kind of like being the little sister trying to catch up to her big brothers, just wanting to be included....so I honestly don't mind doing the grunt work, lol.

Ugh, this has not been a good day. I've had a headache for most of it, which has made me a bit surly all day.

Had to drop the extra keys off with BFF so she can check in on mom and her hubby can take mom to dialysis while I'm away. (I'm SOOOOO nervous about leaving mom on her own overnight.) Then rehearsal. We have a new song (Katy Perry's Firework) and I'm terrified my voice isn't up to par right now for something like that (it's a belter!)....but lead guitarman wants it to be the first song we play after the NYE midnight countdown. Yikes. Fingers crossed.

Came back to mom's, tried having a nap, didn't help the headache AT ALL. Just downed some Tylenol and I'm going to try working on some tunes while I get laundry done I would've done earlier but for the head pain. Heading out at 1 PM tomorrow. I sprang for really expensive snow tires this year, but I'm still nervous about the roads.

I just ate some chicken and potatoes while I wrote this, and I think it helped. Maybe I just didn't eat enough today! (Caregiver nerves, driving nerves, performance nerves.....) Better go get that stuff done....

Dorianne, playing in a band was my second job for almost 15 years. Started with just me and a friend, me on lead guitar, him on rhythm, did coffee shops, parties and the summer tourist spots. We later picked up a keyboard guy and a standup bass.

In summers we would do 2 maybe 4 gigs a week. It was fun and the extra money was nice but I started burning out. It was not like we had truck loads of stuff to set up but it became a huge hassle dragging the stuff around, set up, tear down, repeat..

I thought when I retired from my day job I’d put more time in the gigs and rehearsals but it had just become another job at that point. But I sure don’t regret my years playing. The tales I could tell .........

Dorianne, So interesting you play in a band. With the cold I can see why you might not want to travel. But I hope you enjoy NYE anyway. Paperwork is a pain in the butt.  Enjoy your NYE. I've been to BC three times - Vancouver. I used to work for UMaine men's ice hockey. I went there for hockey  exhibition games. UMaine was NCAA champs in 1991 and invited to play exhibitions. We had as many Canadian players as U.S and we went to every province playing exhibitions games.

I'm back to not sleeping again. I'm doing lesson plans for teaching this upcoming semester and making sure I include all course and departmental requirements. PJ is teaching this semester too, but his subject matter Doesn't change much. Small changes in Psychotropic drugs all the times. I have a subscription service that updates constantly, but it'a a lot to read and absorb.

Was at caregivers center this evening setting up rooms for group sessions. There will be three therapists working. We're doing things a little differently this go round. Everyone has to complete a registration checklist and have a referral from a local physician. No drop in services will be available. We also have better security worked out with local police.