Follow
Share
Read More
stacey - missed your post, you party animal, Dancing to 70s music sounds like a lot of fun. Go girl, go!!! 💃
(4)
Report

sharyn - sorry to hear about dd. Hope she gets better soon, being sick with two lively boys is hard. Gotta accept those sons as they are. Mine won't even get together with dd and I, as sil doesn't want to. It is what it is.

tg - It happens because you do not keep your boundaries. When you set boundaries there have to be consequences when anyone breaks them. Otherwise it is a waste of breath. What you are doing when setting boundaries is changing how you deal others.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From mindbodygreen dot com

6 Steps to Setting Better Boundaries:

Know this sad truth: NO boundaries = little self esteem. ...
Decide what your core values are. ...
You can't change others, so change yourself. ...
Decide the consequences ahead of time. ...
Let your behavior, not your words, speak for you. ...
Say what you mean and mean what you say.

The best way to figure out your own boundaries and consequences when people cross them is sitting quietly down with yourself and making this all about you. (Remember: boundaries are about honoring your needs, not about judging other people's choices.)

People WILL test, push and disrespect your limits. You'll know you're getting healthier when this doesn't get an emotional reaction out of you.

Sometimes we're afraid to confront others with truth in love or relationships. We're afraid to tell people what we really want, to admit that we hate going to certain restaurants...We conceal our true feelings because we're scared of people's reactions. The more you ground yourself with your boundaries and values, the more you'll be able to be very clear in your communication!

The bottom line? Since you can't change other people, change how you deal with them. As Dr. Cloud says in Boundaries, "They may be motivated to change if their old ways no longer work."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend is a very good book.

Let dad know what you want at meal time, or regarding the shortfall of money he expects you to make up and so on, and what you are prepared to do and what you are not prepared to do about it. If you value good money management, stick to that value, and do not make up for dad's overspending. That way you honour your own values.

becky - so difficult that the chemo is not working. However, Pam has made a good decision for herself and I admire her for that. I am sure that you and Jay will see that she has all the resources she needs. Hope your house renos are doing well.

Slept this afternoon and having a bit of an FM/pain flare up, probably due to the cold. It looks like the very low temps will be around for the rest of the week, warming up on the weekend, and if the forecast is right, January is going to be above the 10 year averages. Not bad overall. We usually don't get any extreme cold after the middle of February. No wonder Canadians talk about the weather so much. 😉
(6)
Report

Sharyn, Thanks. Thanks Stacey. I know you've done your time with cancer Stacey. Pam is 62. She worked as a nurse at Cleveland Clinic for years. She knows way more about what to expect than me. She's my younger cousin and I never expected to take care of her, but I'm glad she's here with us and not alone. I wouldn't want her to be by herself. I got all the information on Hospice at the hospital. Her apartment has a couple of Hospice nurses on duty all the time, plus the Visiting Nurses Association. I think we'll be able to access the help she needs.
(8)
Report

Becky, I am so sorry. Palliative care and hospice are good choices.
(6)
Report

Hi everybody, happy Boxing Day! Hubby and I did absolutely nothing today, except eat leftovers candy and treats. We are stuffed but happy and relaxed! Woo what an exhausting but terrific Christmas this year! I hope to do it all different next year and be much more prepared and ahead of the game so as not to get in the last minute crunch as we did this year. We enjoyed our Christmas dinner yesterday with my three sisters and one Son, we laughed until our guts hurt! I'm excited about hosting More family parties in our home now, it's been a long time since we had fun like that! And music, I miss music and we were dancing to the 70s hits last night! So much fun!
(8)
Report

Becky, I'm so sorry to hear about your auntie. I hate cancer, I lost my mom to cancer 14 years ago and recently my father-in-law as you know. It's never too soon to start hospice, our experience with them was wonderful. It's all about comfort and care now and you are doing a terrific job taking care of her. She's very lucky to have you! Don't forget to take care of you too! Love Stacey 
(3)
Report

I am so sorry about Pam. It sucks. She is fortunate to have you.
(3)
Report

Pam and I met with her oncologist and the hospitalist this afternoon. They went over all of her tests and lab work. Her latest round of chemo did nothing. The cancer has spread further in her lungs and spine. Pam told them she wanted no further chemo or radiation, just palliative care and attempt to treat infections. She wants to return to her apartment with the visiting nurses association seeing her daily. She says for right now she can shower and take care of herself. I'm going to get a homemaker assistant to do weekly cleaning. Jay says he has to go to Kansas to work until 1/20, then he will help her with shopping and getting to appointments. I can see her everyday and help with other stuff as it comes up. She is going home tomorrow after her IV antibiotic finishes. I hate this so much. She can have in-home Hospice when the time comes.
(8)
Report

I set boundaries, he breaks them. I dont cook, he goes out to dinner. Now he will be out every day for a week or two until his Christmas money runs out, Everyone gave him gift cards.... will be like a sailor on leave.... until they run out.....
(3)
Report

Becky, I am hoping they a med combo for Pam. You have a lot on your plate and still going like a steam engine.

Stacey, I hope you are resting up today. Your Christmas sounded wonderful.

Guest, you really have good boundaries. Always good to hear how you handle situations and prioritize your life.

Dori, taking a break is good, hope you are able to get the break at your home with the kitty.

Th, boundaries, boundaries stand firm.

Glad, let the twisted have each other. Glad you had a relatively good day and the card from center was very personal, shame they did not pass it on to you sooner. It must have helped you with their kind words.

Golden, sleep, rest up! Yes the boys are tiring. Dd is down with nasty stomach bug so dinner will be just hubs and me. It’s ok because we both are wiped out from yesterday. Our son won’t be here til the 28 th. Whatever left over are still around are his for the picking.

Have good day everyone.
(5)
Report

Can't keep my eyes open today. Must be the minus 30s, feels like minus 50s temps outside today. The body knows it's hibernation time. Yesterday was good family time and I came home with leftovers. Doesn't get better than that.

cw and barb - agreed on comments to ali - her cousin is manipulative not sincere. Always beware of triangulation.

pamz - good for hubbie - no bitching and complaining Yay!!!

glad -so happy it went well - the tws deserve one another. That card was interesting!Bet they didn't want you to see it.

sharyn - the littles are exhausting. No more snow shovelling for a while! Hope your son makes it today.

ali - what everyone said - let it lie where Jesus flang it. I am uncomfortable with your mum transferring funds too, but that is not your circus anymore either, and if it blows up in their faces, let them deal with it. Hands off for you.

blackhole - awesome, lowered expectations usually work and they met the standard!

stacey - don't you need to get some rest? You have been in high gear since fil passed. Take a break, sweetie! So glad Christmas went off so well.

duck - so, so, glad you had a good Christmas. Keep your boundaries up. Look after you.

guest - you too - they keep pushing don't they? Yes, we have weathered a lot - over the worst I think, for now anyway.

tg - set boundaries with your dad. They work if you apply them. If he doesn't help clean up, he doesn't get to eat the next meal with you, and tell him no more comments from the bleachers. He can get his own supper and clean up after himself. I did this with my older kids once, as they were not doing their chores. They didn't believe me. You should have seen their faces when the next meal was served up to only me, hub and the baby. They did their chores better after that.

dori - hope you make some quiet time at home for yourself and the kitty. Sounds like you need it. Stress will only make the pain worse. Mum's brain is broken and that makes it harder on you.

becky - hoping for some solutions for Pam or at least more comfort. Wonderful that you are opening the center again, even with reduced services. Even that will help those who want to be helped. The idea was ahead if its time. BTDT and got knifed for it too. Yay for your aunt. I had one who worked till she was 75, but she wasn't caregiving her mother at the same time. I made 73. Hallmark Christmas? Oh my! No, not ever!

veronica - hope the pudding flamed!

cm - your festivities are over by now I think. Hope all family stuff went well.

tryingmybest - haven't heard from you for a long time. Hope you are OK.

anyone I have missed - newbies and oldbies - take care

Happy Boxing Day everyone!🎁🎁🎁
(6)
Report

Guest, You are totally on top of it with writing today.

I'm meeting Pam and her doctor this afternoon. Changing antibiotics is on the schedule.
(6)
Report

Got through without almost a meltdown. Dad was fine, my sister called while we were all in the room opening gifts. of course he never said anything to us. Brother called and I put him on the phone with dad. Then later I called sister as had not heard from her. Proceeds to tell me I was outside when she called. Funny, I distinctly remember being in the room when she called but dad did not bother to mention that. I love how he plays game directly to my face. Anyway got through the day until dinner when he comes into the kitchen and makes a remark about me making dinner, then goes into the room and makes another remark.... Yes I did lose it for a minute then wife was unhappy. It is the comments, never a good one, always a comment. Never helps but is always there with a comment. Then after dinner "why dont you sit, we will clean up", then he goes off to his living room without offering to help clean up....
The good news is I am working on plans to build a separate building on the property for an office to get away from the stress of being in the house 24/7. Maybe that will help. Everyone moves in and I have to move out to another building so I can work. How does that happen? they move in and I have to move out? WTH?
(6)
Report

Glad, so happy you survived the holiday. The TS1-2 deserve their sibling bond. When, not if, help is required and they look to their unmarried sister who was SO helpful to mom, give them the area agency of aging phone number. Or to their kids.
Becky, I'm proud of you for not allowing the Grinch to steal caregiver support Christmas completely. You did so much to set up - having the bare bones is better than nothing and wonder if the money grubber letter writers will try to come get free and complain that you are not paying others to help?? Hope twin's ankle feels better. Speaking as onco patient myself re Pam, they had to rotate antibiotic family for me (myacin vs sulfa) because I had resistant bugs after a while, especially during daily radiation. They finally went old school with Bactrim broad spectrum...
Ali, my dear, listen to glad. If there is money for funeral fund, find a funeral home that it goes to on deposit. If mommy has limited funds, where is she hiding the bank account? It will cause her problems if it builds up, and your father if he's gifting....my cousin told every one he was holding back money from daughter's cash gifts for her bank account and it disappeared...
duck, your sister will never change.
golden, your holidays sounded like fun. You and R together have weathered so much.
veronica, frail but always a fighter. You go girl!
dori, I remember the "no matter what you get". After a while for me, I just enjoy giving and figure that whatever it is, the response is never what I hoped. If you want grateful, volunteer for Meals on Wheels or Soup Kitchen - otherwise, *shrug*.
love to others even if not message - at work today and avoiding another MIL/FIL visit that may or may not happen.
Survived the command performance. MIL's parkinson's literally left her flailing like an NFL cheerleader at halftime. FIL was dragging O2 tank and gasping like a beached fish. I made a point of sitting first and far away so husband spent the meal sitting next to his OWN parents for once. Eye opener again. OMG, they are having such problems. Yup. OMG, someone should help. Well, here's the name of housekeeping service and Home Instead Health aides....let me know when you'll be home from their house...*crickets*.
love to all of you, Keep the boundaries and keep it real.
(5)
Report

I've read everyone's posts and it seems everyone got thru the holiday in one way or another with maybe a crack or two along the way. I don't know if anyone else has these feelings, but I think I'm subject to "perfect Christmas" syndrome. I WANT to buy into the Hallmark card. But in reality, I know the cake can fall, kids will have accidents, people will be sick and it will snow WAY beyond what is Christmas card perfect. I think in MY life Christmas was good enough and I need to move beyond the Hallmark card and accept that reality. I'm off to the lake to check the additions that are being built. Also spend some time thinking about my New Year's resolution "deactivating" Facebook. I have an assortment of toxic "Friends". Everyone have a really nice day.
(7)
Report

Merry Day After Christmas! It’s almost 5:30 am here. Can’t sleep from sore neck, shoulders and back, shoveling snow is the cause, Lol!

We had a busy day, overwhelming at times with the boys excitement. They had a good day and it was fun to see their excitement but it sure wears us older folks out.

Today is our big dinner day. It will be an early dinner as our sil has to be at work by 4.

I’m glad to read that everyone had a relatively decent Christmas. I’m tired and laying here with my heating pad. Need more sleep.

Have a good day all!
(5)
Report

Hello all. I am glad to read of happy, or at least peaceful, Christmases.

I didn't have one, to be honest. And I'm a little envious, but mostly missing the peaceful and/or happy Christmases I used to have before I moved mom here. Not feeling sorry for myself, more feeling like....I am missing who I used to be, and not liking who I am becoming right now. And I need to turn that around somehow. I did cry, but not till just now, lying in bed awake still thinking about the day. So technically no crying on Christmas Day.

Today it was just so hard to be around mom. Nothing she did any different from normal dementia stuff. Just today her growing zombification was so hard to take, now that it's mixed in with all this family history stuff going on in my head. I couldn't wait to run away to BFF's tonight. I don't know if I enjoyed it so much as collapsed into it. I don't think I am very fun or nice to be around these days. I don't know how much of that is menopause, how much is pain, how much is caregiving my mother. All varies based on the day, I suppose.

Anyway, I was going to go back over to BFF's tomorrow and hang out, try to be more normal. But my own apartment is empty now....I think I am just going to spend the day at home. My home. I realize I haven't felt safe here at mom's since that spectacular week-long blow up between us, which brought this family reckoning into my mind in the first place. And I just need to be alone.  Alone, alone, not shut up in a room in someone else's home, mother or not.  I've been planning to spend more time at home in the New Year, but I don't think I can wait.

I will probably take the kitten. He's only seen where we really live once, he doesn't even know it's our real home. And...honestly, I've been trying to fix this fighty-bitey stage he's going through, but I know the problem is me somehow! He's obviously picking something up off me. So I need to fix me.

Anyway, I think I'm off to sleep now. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest in here!
(6)
Report

I'm back to not sleeping but a couple of hours. I went to sleep at 12:45 and up at 2:45. Making a cup of Sleeptime tea. Eating a half sandwich - peanut butter. I read that if one burns bay leaves it is relaxing and sleep inducing.
I'm going to buy some later today.

I thought maybe this being the first holiday since Mom died maybe I would have some feelings of grief, but I didn't. I thought several times of all of her holiday complaints. Jay and I laughed about that.

I have to get ready for the post holiday load of work. Get all of the printed materials ready for all of the drunk driving counseling clients. PJ and I are going to reopen center for caregivers groups and occasional relative guest speakers, but nothing else. I'm teaching a class at the grad school second semester starting mid January - a monthly seminar - "A Review of Psychotropic Medications". I thought when I resigned from the hospital, I would retire completely. That hasn't happened. I had a great aunt who never retired. She died at her desk at 91. Maybe that will be me. My best friend from high school and her husband retired 10 years ago at age 58 - I can't imagine. She doesn't seem happy with her life.

I'm happy Christmas is behind me. On to getting ready for New Year's Eve. PJ has friends coming from Pittsburgh to go ice fishing. They're staying at the lake. I'm going to check the cottage tomorrow. Also check my house to see how much longer it's going to be until completed.
(4)
Report

Had a nice Christmas. No emotional vampires! Our planned guests and unplanned guests were a good mix.

I also had good vibes leading up to Christmas. That’s new. My entire adult life (starting at teen, I suppose), I always had spurts of dread as the calendar counted down to Christmas. 

I should clarify my earlier claim of good guests: I set the bar pretty low with this branch of the family. It’s the only way to survive them. This Christmas was the first time in ages that (at least) one of them didn’t plunge my bar to a new low. 

And I love December 26, as a shut-down reset day. Even when 12/26 is a back-to-work day for me, I embrace the “it’s behind me now” feeling.

It’s satisfying to move through the last chapter of the holiday season. There are still light displays and public decorations and holiday events at museums, botanical gardens, etc..... but the race against the clock is over. Best of both worlds.

Looking forward to eating leftovers and seeing the beautiful sights in my community. 🙂
(5)
Report

Goodnight Duck and Glad, I'm reading, but too damn tired to type! Great Christmas here, but so over it!!! I'm Dead beat, Good night All!!!
(4)
Report

Good night, Duck. I guess it is just the two of us tonight.
(3)
Report

I guess I post so late that everyone is asleep or out. I got a book called the "Alchemist" as a gift from a good friend. Its starts out with how Narcissus died, drowning while looking at himself in the lake. Then the lake cried because she saw her own beauty in Narcissus's eyes. I have heard of it. Anyways I am enjoying reading it on my train rides.

Much love to you all. I am off for two nights on for one then off for two. changed schedule with coworke who is probably planning a long new years weekend beginning thrusday. I wish you all the best. This is one of the times of year I wonder where my knight is. I could stand a few twrils and dips about now. LOL
(3)
Report

Dark Jewel, welcome a board, lots of beautiful folk on this thread. Lot of wisdom and understanding. Keep posting and venting. A blah day is why a lot of us post. Alot of blah becomes stressful and this is the place to let it out and maybe get so good feed back or just plain old understanding. :) Happy Holidaysl
(2)
Report

Forgive my errors. I know its hard to follow me. I type likea bat out of hell and barely proofread just trying to get my thoughts and feelings down.

Panz, glad your day turned out well.
(2)
Report

Ali, Ali, Ali... money your mom is taking to save for a prepaid funeral policy even if for dad, will be considered gifting and subject to penalty. Dad has to pay for the policy himself, not mom. If you want to take the attitude not your circus that is wonderful. But knowing you the way I do when this gifting catches up to dad you will be right back in the midst of it. I am sure he can make his own payments on a prepaid funeral policy.

And your cuz, Ali. Tell her yourself why you have distanced yourself. If you want to give her another chance, set the ground rules yourself and establish boundaries. Her hubby needs to stay out of it. That is just another method of manipulation. Oh, poor, poor cuz...

Went through all of the eight or so sympathy cards. Did not feel much. One card was addressed to "me and family" from mom's day care staff. Very nice notations to me on the care I provided to mom for those four years. No wonder twisteds would not let me see them before. I am very happy to not be them. One conversation yesterday about how all mom would talk about twenty years ago was her business. It did get tiresome, I must admit. But ts2 expressed her irritation with ts1 over the treatment of my mom at that time. Ts2 actually was angry. Se la vie. Not my circus, they deserve each other.

Back home to peace and quiet tomorrow.....
(5)
Report

One more thing. The good friend and neighbor who is supportive in many way but flips the switch every now and then. The last was my mother about to walk toward her newly paved cement. She told my how she yell at my mother to not walk on her pavement. I thought it was a little over kill and disrespectful almost bullying. I was not there but what she told me was overkill. I told her she did not have to speak so harshly to her. something to that effect. this is a person whom I opened up my heart to and who has witnessed things with my mother and sister. jMy mother was always jealous of us and would sometimes not speak to her.

This last time my mother got to wander away. My every call was being ignored by my nephew and my sister as to the status of my mother. I called my friend above menttioned. He went an his last update was that my sister answerd "for what" when he asked if she called police. I kept caling and no report wass made from my address. so I reach out to my friend and asked her if she could get her son who is getting ready to retire from the NYPD and has lots of connections . I asked if she could get him to check and see if task force had found my mother. At that time it must have busy becuase the phone just rang and rang and when I finnally got thu I was put on hold and then the call dropped and then back to ringing forever. She directed me back to my nephew who was ignoring my calls and then to pct telling me she couldnt believe they are not answereing the phones. It really hurt me. She could have just said ok let me call D and see if he can find out anything. Even if she didnt try. But she what like what you calling me for as D my nephew or call pct what is her son going to do. so this is second time and like first I held off contact for a while. I went back and I got more. Got the same thing I got the first time but at a differnt level. I was in distress and worried about my mother. I dont expect anyone to drop everything to my cry, I know everyone have problems but if you reach out to me and I cant help you I wont ridicule you and that is how I felt. Call D (my nephew, he works on the please just like D her son) and call the pct. I dont believe you not getting an answer there. I know the right thing for me to do is what I expressed in response to Ali.
This woman was very supportive of me, like an angel when I was down and out. and I to her when she had breast ca and surgery. Id shovel her snow bring her food go to store be supportive talk positvie uplifting . We have good debates. She is 10yers younger than my mother and we have different outlooks. Alot of her advice I never heeded because I knew it was wrong. And sometimes she would be like you like being treated that way you dont stand up. So anyways I am rambleling and begining to babble. I think I will put this friendship at further distance and in lthe meanwhile let it breathe.
(3)
Report

My ex from many many moons ago is being so lovely, attentive. I wish I could go back down that road. But I cant. He was jealous and abusive. It would be just a matter of time before that ugly spirit reared its head. I wont do that to myself. Just talking is enough.
(5)
Report

Becky I hope all goes well with Pam.
Cwillie it is good to see you posting. You are a landmark name in my head.
Golden, I bet you can throw down with some cooking when you get ready!!! with so much exposure to expertise.
Ali, Ive heard many times when someone shows you who they are believe them. Finally , I do. It sounds like you had a struggle with said cousin and it took a while to resolve it in yourself with distance. Why go back wards. Do you miss her. I would keep things the way they are. Put yourself first. You were bullied by her for a long time. she needs a toy.
I am using this philosophy and it works. I kept going back for more with my mother and sister. Each time the insult and pain would go to a higher level. Coming back meant do me again. Now if someone turns on me they only get one time to do it its done. I keep walking and dont look back. Put you first. I have a cousin that did a nasty thing to me as a child. I had clean out tub on one of these xmas visits south. Ready to take a nice bath put my bubbles in. I had timed it for privacy and quite because they would always complain about running water and water bill. Well this cousin got me to let her use water and told me I could use after her. I was 2yrs younger I didnt see anything wrong until I got in and saw all my beautiful bubbles gone and dirt floating. I was fumming for so many reasons. the next day I waited for her right by the door to come home from school and punched her right in the nose. That was the end of it. But to this day I never trusted her again. She has friend request on FB. No no no. so she can do it again on a diffentlevel. No.
Forget her feelings, even if she is sorry. Put Ali first. She is subtly intimidating you now by making you feel wrong to not open up to her. I would just be cordial. No offense intended. You have a big heart. We get trodden sometimes before we even know what happened.
(3)
Report

Ho Ho Ho Merrrrry Christmas!!!!!

Had a lovely quited peaceful day, no drama, no tears.

Took in the decorations, the love in families going to visit family and on the way in the same.
I remember when I was small. We would go south. My sister and I would chang "we going down soouutthh". My father had bought a home for his grandmother his mother died when he was young. We called her Ma Ma. She really didnt have much to do with me or my sister. They didnt like my mother so we were sort of out cast only tolerated. All the cousins and family from NY and all over would come there. My farther would bring a record player and I would hear the Hey Jude and and OC smith. but what I remember most was all the cakes and pies that would be on the back porch. The fruit cake used to look interesting one year I got up the nerve and ended up with a terrible headache. Lol. to this day I cannot stand to even look at fruit cake.

Anyways I sure hope everyone had a day full of love and sunshine.
(2)
Report

Ali, my thoughts are your cousins husband should get be involved and I agree with barb. She is manipulating you because you are not letting her put you down. I would not respond to it on any level as it opens the door for insults.
(5)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter