
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
I made mom wake up at 4 PM to open presents, as I promised bro we'd video chat before dinner. The present-opening was anti-climactic, lol. She spent most of it expressing guilt that she didn't get me anything or even a card. Like....I do ALL the shopping, she only leaves the apartment for dialysis, why would I be surprised or bothered?
Anyway, gonna jump in the shower and then dinner should be ready....then I can run away to BFF's and drink to forget, lol.
At least the video call was nice.
Otherwise it was a lovely day, even the puppy cooperated!
If she's so upset, she can reach out herself.
Never apologize for " tone". It's in the ear of the beholder.
Seems like a lot of drama to even say anything further. :-/ But, this idea of apologizing for my word choice, but not the message, is a better option than my first instinct to uncategorically apologize. I need to be careful to NOT apologize for reaming her for mistreating me since we were kids. It was long overdue, it truly was, and I don't want it going back to that! I want her to know there is a boundary, and for her to mind it. I think that's very beneficial in our case.
Good observation about my dad's income situation, and thing is, he gets so very little income but now his benefits -- in the form of HUD housing, SNAP, and VA/Medicaid -- cover nearly every expense or at greatly reduced rate. He only spends a couple hundred dollars per month, and that leaves a couple hundred left over. It's still a VERY SMALL amount of income, but he is spending less and less since he moved into the new place. He is supposed to keep only $2k in cash assets per Medicaid, so my mother has been taking any extra out and is saving for a pre paid funeral plan for him. My dad needs help managing finances. I think my mom's way of dealing with the situation is as good as any, imo. Would like to hear from anyone that has ideas for alternative use of the money. And... in the end, I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY'RE DOING SO WHY AM I EVEN DISCUSSING WITH HER? lol!! I thought the situation was odd that my mother is withdrawing the cash into her account, but WHATEVER. Why do I do this to myself...? Rhetorical question.
They'll be fine, one way or another, and my mom knows the basic rules about Medicaid, and her own eligibility issues for continuing to receive Rx coverage from Medicare Part D. I'll leave her to figure out how best to manage the situation. She's relatively low income, but my father is indigent, so I don't like to see them risking benefits they qualify for... but... not my circus. My mom wanted to take over, I'm so glad she did/has, they're fine, that's truly all I care about.
Unless this woman comes to you herself and says something like "Oh Ali I'm so sorry, I just wasn't thinking, can we try to mend fences?" you have no reason to forgive and forget. Has she ever owned up to her behaviour?
Medicaid expert in any way but something seems wrong. I am
glad your holiday has gone well.
My holiday has definitely not gone as planned, but I've had way worse in the past. Pam's condition has worsened some. Her doctor came in awhile ago. Her UTI is not responding. Bronchitis is worse. She was running a slight fever earlier. She is very depressed and understandably so. First Christmas without her husband, etc. Jay is coming later to stay with Pam overnight. One of PJ's older son's is staying with Michael. We're going home to see the rest of the family and try to have the remnants of a holiday. Dread going home and seeing the chaos, but I'm doing minimal cleanup this evening. I'll do everything tomorrow.
My bully 1st cousin has some hurt feelings about distance I put in our relationship about 2 years ago, after I was fed up with her putting me down and always picking on me for sport. I don't like to hear, from her husband, that she has hurt feelings. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. My initial reaction was to want to reach out to her and patch things up (what is there to patch? I talk to her, brought appetizers to her house... what else do I need to do?). And then I thought about why I put that distance there to begin with, and that I do like the new boundaries. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I don't want her to have hurt feelings but I'm not ready to return to the old way, either. I'll think about it. I don't think I need to do anything. I think in time, we'll find a new normal, and that would be for the best.
I'm feeling completely normal in my aches and pains! Mostly. Everyone in my family age 40 and over has something gone awry in their body: a knee, ankle, shoulder, back, SOMETHING. That's actually made me feel less anxious about my own pain, because if everyone aches, then I'm normal. Haha!
I had my dad sign the reimbursement letter for the trust. My mother is telling me how she's taken almost enough money from my dad's very meager income to buy a pre paid funeral plan for him. That's good that she is keeping him under Medicaid cash limits but... she's withdrawing cash from his account monthly and putting into her savings account. I advised her to be careful to protect his Medicaid and if she had any questions about whether or not an expense or gift was ok, to ask me and I'd get on AC and ask you guys. ;-)
Hm. I don't want to get involved AT ALL, but I am wondering if my mom can safely w/d a small amount of money every month and put in HER account. Seems odd. They've been divorced for 40 years, so not a married couple.
Anyway, Very Merry Christmas to all of you who celebrated with family today! I hope you're enjoying your holiday time! It's been a nice trip so far, the best in many years. :-)
Dori - aren't you glad you didn't clean? lol. Enjoy getting your comforter back! Hope your mum does get some enjoyment from her gift.
darkjewel - welcome to the dysfun fam thread. There are days when blah is not bad. I read your thread and can identify. Many of us have narc mothers and sibs as well. It is a lonely place to be in, and we are the ones who take on the caregiving duties. For me it has been a matter of doing what I have to do to survive and have a life apart from the dysfunction. The upcoming transplant sounds like an ordeal as well as keeping your safe from infection. Hope you keep posting.
Becky - thinking of you and your cousin Pam. Hope she is responding to treatment and the young one and twin are doing OK.
ali - hoping your trip to bro's was easy and you get some good rest and fun there
Finally plugged in my Christmas lights and lit a fire. It looks nice outside, but is minus 27 feels like minus 44. That is serious cold! Thankfully it will be warmer by the time I go to dd's for dinner. Thought the flu was gone, but the bottom dropped out of my energy bucket last night about 9 pm. It might be the CFS/FM kicking in. Regardless, I need to rest. Cooked myself a nice breakfast, and that is my effort for the day.
Hope everyone - regular posters and irregulars - have a few good and peaceful days.
Hugs and much love. 💛💛💛
sharyn - re your son, I understand the disappointment, but not being bummed. Hope he makes it tomorrow. I have decided that, for the most part, I can't say or do the right thing to/for middle son and dil, so I am letting go and letting God. Sounds like you have the next few days very well planned. Glad you are enjoying the snow.
glad - Loki was the "trickster" God. I did a little reading about Norse mythology this am to refresh my memory, and decided against buying that book. It is very dark - even the fairy tales tend that way. So glad that yesterday went well and especially for your kids. Hope you get some good rest too.
duck -you have some great adventures on the train, Mother was a good cook. THe lamb was a great meal. Growing food then cooking it is something else. Glad you rescued your tree and your convection oven is working well. Work on reducing the stress and have a good day!
I've just typed loads in response to my original post and I'm sort of worn out already this morning so I won't post much here but, Hello everyone, and Merry Christmas. I hope yours will be awesome. :)
Also quick update: bro is going to come NEXT week now, when the weather is supposed to be better. So I didn't do a lick of cleaning.
Terrific Christmas is with our kids, so Fun!!! The Grandies So excited for Santa!!! We've just gotten home so tired but happy!!! We laughed all evening, our 3 adult boys plus SIL, are all so funny! Of course there worked up the littleuns, and now their parents are going to have a heck of a time getting them to sleep. Not sure who is more mature, the 3 & 7 year olds or the 35-38 year olds, sheesh! So cool watching Santa's trip around the world on the computer, last I checked with 7 year old, he was in Bermuda, hope he makes it out of the triangle!!! Lol! My sausage Rolls were a hit, now of to bed, to get up early to stuff and put the turkey in. So dang Tired!!!
Merry Christmas Everyone!!! Stace
I think I am caught up. I didnt go back to far so I missed.
Merry Christmas Everybody!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Golden that was stress post was really good. I am so high strung that I have hard time getting to the zone for mediatation. During my work travels I met a young lady who showed me how to do breathing meditation on train. Sit with palms up and relaxed in lap and just focus on your breaths what they feel like in and out.
I dont know if I posted that my mother packed the little tree plant I bought her in one of the shopping carts. Well I found it and rescued it. Made her laugh about it. Its so cute has baby ornaments on it. I was hoping to put it in pot out front but reading tag its an evergreen but can stand temps below 25 so I will try and keep it alive inside.
Golden, I bet that was the best lamb and mint sauce your mother made. The thought of going to pick mint and chopp for dinner is awesome. I started my first garden afteer my mother,s cousin (my Godfather who recently passed) took me out in his garden and had me take a glass of water out to eat the tiny tomatoes. Boy!! Picking stuff from the garden was like therapy so soothing. I made the best pot of collard greens Ihave eveer made all from his garden. Then I made my own and thought something was wrong with my soul lol when the big tomatoes I bought turned out to be cherry tomatoes. I cant think of the name just now of the ones I bought.
Barbs I was tickled at your post about killing mint. I hear wednesdays are free in summer and I am going to plan a vist to the BBGs . Havent been there in many many years.
Have to look up liriope and I have heard of ruhbarb, but have to look it up also.
Becky that mint sounds like its relentless. Barb now I can really picture the looks you got at the Gardens lol.
Alli, (((Hugs))).
Well its Christmas eve night. I am working tomarrow also. Got days mixed up and for a minute I thought Christmas was today, Sunday.
So many good Christmas memories. So many loved ones passed on who made Christmas and Love what its is to me.
I sang chimed in with a drunk guy on train on way home from dinner he was singing Noel and I joined him then a few others and that short ride was so nice we were all smiling at each other and saying Merry Christmas. That smile stayed frozen on my face for the next 15mins.
On way to work two things were in the gate 1 was an unlimited monthly metro card (so I thought) that I lend to Millie and said insufficient fare when I swiped it (lol does S#$$T ever stop happening!), The other was a card from the little girl I took on for some reason. I gave her a ticket I had gotten for 5 people to go to Children's Museum in Manhattan. The card had picutures of her doing crafts and a 10 scratch off game. I buy these games whenever im off at liquor store and run into the mother either going or coming but ususally with tickets in my hand. Its a long time form of ientertainment. sometimes I win. I have a few winners accumulating. Another lovely gift, bought tears, putting picture on the fridge door.
I am exhausted! The day went ok, actually well. Ts1 has had the sympathy cards for mom, I have never seen, brought them today. I still have not seen them at this point. Maybe in the morning. No discussions at all about the past six years. Both twisteds were pleased to be invited, more importantly my kids were all very appreciative. That is all that matters to me. This has been hard on them too.
Sharyn, enjoy the snow, we are supposed to get more about Thursday, I think. Enjoy those grands tomorrow.
Stacey, the music sounds wonderful. My daughter has an Alexa. It is rather convenient and easy to use. Just asked her whatever you want and she will come up with something. Her favorite dog is a golden retriever, her favorite cat is a Burmese, her favorite football team is the Seahawks (after all she says she is from Seattle). LOL!
So off to sleep, will read here for a bit yet.
Last minute wrapping, getting food together for a frittata in the morning with our dd and family. Pizza (take n bake) for dinner. Big dinner on the 26 th this year.
It’s been snowing since around 3:30 today. It is tiny but heavy. It’s like beach sand on the patio.
Idk, communication with my son is hard. I looked back n text messages from him and he texted he would be here on the 26 th at 1:00 am. Now it’s the 28th at 1 am. Maybe a typo, idk. I didn’t ask and I’m not going to. I already requested the 26 th of for his visit and can’t change it now. Disappointed but not bummed!
Again, Merry Christmas everyone, I’m enjoying the snow!
You have a very Merry Christmas with your family and the Grandies!!!
my dot clevelandclinic "When knee replacement procedures were first performed in the early 1970s, it was thought that the average total knee implant would last approximately 10 years. We now know that approximately 85 percent of the knee implants will last 20 years".
re the Grinch - fake it - seems in character. BGF is a treasure! Garbage taking out is my kind of present! Keep your dream about travelling with your cats. Sounds great!
sharyn - think I am completely over it today thx. Often the roads aren't that bad with just snow. But when it thaws and freezes, and the wind polishes the road with snow it can get slippery. Love your suggestion to Becky LOL!!!!
glad - truly hope it goes decently for everyone. I would hide if I had to be around the littles for too long. Too much noise and goings on.
stacey -the music sounds heavenly. That in itself will reduce your stress. The littles do love money I have found. Enjoy it all -you have done so well getting everything together in such a short time.
Well the polar vortex has hit and will be around for a week.❄ ❄❄ It is minus 18 feels like minus 38 which can be dangerous. Looks like today is the worst for windchill. Wondering if I can survive without shopping for that long. I will go out for dinner with dd and fam tomorrow, and have a couple of appointments Thursday when I can also drop by a store. I think I will hunker in the rest of the time unless the temps improve. I am doing well with the black bean lime chili soup. Next time I may add a little lime zest for extra zing and/or a little more cayenne! I have the makings for a navy bean soup after that. I found a recipe for bacon, spinach, and bean soup which sounds uber healthy and tasty. I don't have a ham bone or hocks, but will throw in some cubed ham for good measure.
Due to cutting back, I am totally underwhelmed with Christmas prep. I will plug in some lights today, get a fire going in the fireplace and that is it. I thought of getting a Kindle version of a modernized Norse mythology book with my AC amazon gift. It would bring back some good memories of my grandmother. She told me great stories of Norse Immortals and also Norse fairy tales. Any of you Vikings out there remember, "Pip, pip! here I am," said Buttercup"?
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE!!!!! 🎄🎄🎄🎅🎅🎅
Glad, thinking of you on this holiday, dealing with twisters and kids, whoo, I feel your pain! I looked after my 3 year old Grandson yesterday, what a little Love, helping Nana with my wrapping, but I paid him in a bunch of change, which kept him busy, he loves money, Lol! He did tire me out though!!! Must have said Nana Nana Nana a hundred times At Least! At 3, he's a Champ at matching games. It was nice to have him one on one!
Hubby and 2 of sons purchased and then set up an Amazing stereo system, with wireless surround sound throughout the house, and it sounds fantastic!! We haven't had music in our home for all the years my FIL was with us, and I can't believe how much I missed it, and how much joy it brings in lifting my spirits!!! I Love to sing, and the 70's Rock is just what I needed to help me push through this marathon we call the holidays!!
All I've left to do is take a quick bath, and make Sausage Rolls for tonight's festivities. Then off to see all our kids and Grandies for Christmas Eve Celebration.
48 more hours til its all over, whew!!! We've ordered a new chair for our family room, and then back to home decorating! Hubby is being Generous with funds, unbelievably so, and it's all coming together!
I'm sorry the holidays are so stressful to so many, me too but somehow we get through it! Golden, such great tips on helping with Stress!!!! I wish I had the time to put some into practice, but maybe After the holidays, Lol! Until then..... Happy Holidays to you All, I Love You Guys!!! 💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓
Merry Christmas to all of my dearest friends! Be safe, eat well, enjoy whatever you do.
Happy Chanukah
Happy Kwanzaa
Happy whatever else I may have forgotten.
Glad, I’m hoping you will have a lovely visit with your immediate family and get through the twisted tumbleweeds with little unpleasantness.
Becky, send them Monopoly money and a go the jail card, do not pass go!
Golden, Glad you are feeling better. We have been good so far regarding colds/flu. Driving wasn’t so bad as most of the snow on the roads was driven over many times by the time I got out. More snow today is expected. Can’t image -degrees, it is 9 degrees now but it doesn’t feel like it.
Merry Christmas everyone, I wish everyone to have a little break here and there, quiet time to yourselves!
Sharyn - Dunno if I'd say the pain is manageable so much as it's usually work-around-able, lol. (Except for right now - weather or stress? Who knows?) A huge chunk of why I started staying with mom is so I could get things done around here at my own pace, instead of putting stress on the injury trying to get it all done at once.
glad - Swedish meatballs sound like an awesome Christmas eve dinner! I have never had lefse, but potatoes are my weakness and it sounds amazing!
golden - Bro will probably notice b/c he's a Virgo, lol! But I doubt he'll dare say anything, since he hasn't been here to help. I'll just live with his silent judging. The knee....the doc says she doesn't want them digging around in there while I'm this "young," because once they do a replacement, they have to do it every 10 years and the hole inside gets dug bigger every time they do it (yikes!!!). I'm hoping for some genius medical invention in the meantime!
I am a bit calmer now. The fridge is full, so I won't have to shop for awhile. Didn't clean after all - will do a bit tomorrow, just to tame the chaos. Hung up the wreath BFF made for mom's door. Got a few other decorations up and FINALLY finished the tree. Mom has a big stuffed Grinch around here somewhere (bro gave us each one, years ago), but I can't find it. She keeps saying she's going to look for it, but she always says she's going to do a lot of things she never does. So I finally made a half-hearted search for it tonight and gave up. I'd like to find it before bro comes though....or I might just go grab mine from home and fake it.
Got best guy friend's present wrapped, will have to do mom's tomorrow when she's at dialysis, so I can lay the paper out on the living room floor (it's huge!!!). Brother already received his; BFF's family is kind of broke now that there are 3 grandbabies, so we aren't doing gifts. Everyone else is getting the soap BFF and I made. Been giving it out to the home support ladies too, as they aren't allowed to take gifts - I'm saying it's "market research" for our soap, lol.
Talked to BGF on the phone....he feels terrible 'cause he can't afford a gift this year, as if I need one! So I told him the biggest gift he could give me is to get the dang garbage out for me tomorrow! (Mom's building is designed weird - it's like walking a block and a half to get the garbage to the dumpster....and I'm 2 weeks behind because of my knee, yuck!!!) That news delighted him - he'll be here at 1 PM, lol. He is truly the big brother I always needed.
Kitten keeps stealing tree ornaments!!!
I had a dream last night that I was traveling around the continent with my cats, in a big camper that I'd redesigned inside. Traveling seems like such a lovely idea.....