The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Oh ali - if there only was a magic pill to take away stress, but there isn't. But there are many ways to cope - and exercise is a big one. Here are some tips from the Anxiety and Depression Association of America - adaa.org/tips

Coping Strategies
Try these when you're feeling anxious or stressed:
Take a time-out. Practice yoga, listen to music, meditate, get a massage, or learn relaxation techniques. Stepping back from the problem helps clear your head.
Eat well-balanced meals. Do not skip any meals. Do keep healthful, energy-boosting snacks on hand.
Limit alcohol and caffeine, which can aggravate anxiety and trigger panic attacks.
Get enough sleep. When stressed, your body needs additional sleep and rest.
Exercise daily to help you feel good and maintain your health.
Take deep breaths. Inhale and exhale slowly.
Count to 10 slowly. Repeat, and count to 20 if necessary.
Do your best. Instead of aiming for perfection, which isn't possible, be proud of however close you get.
Accept that you cannot control everything. Put your stress in perspective: Is it really as bad as you think?
Welcome humor. A good laugh goes a long way.
Maintain a positive attitude. Make an effort to replace negative thoughts with positive ones.
Get involved. Volunteer or find another way to be active in your community, which creates a support network and gives you a break from everyday stress.
Learn what triggers your anxiety. Is it work, family, school, or something else you can identify? Write in a journal when you’re feeling stressed or anxious, and look for a pattern.
Talk to someone. Tell friends and family you’re feeling overwhelmed, and let them know how they can help you. Talk to a physician or therapist for professional help.

There are more great tips at helpguide dot org stress-management. I particularly like "The four A's - Avoid, Alter, Adapt & Accept"

Stress seems to accumulate after a long period of it, and, as you say, it doesn't just go away when the original stressor is removed. The "taking care of self" during the stressful period is so important, as in the long run we can get so worn down we don't ever fully recover to where we would have been. Hindsight is always 20/20. I absolutely agree we have to make a conscious effort to heal afterwards. You are taking some great steps.

dori - so so sorry about your knee and your PTSD overload and your bro who isn't making up his mind. Frustrating!!!!! Is there a knee replacement in the future? Love what you have gotten your mum for Christmas. I hope she is delighted. She may not know the difference between the 25th and the 27th. Enjoy having your comforter back and try to relax a bit. The cleaning will wait and if bro does comes he prpb will not notice.e.

sharyn -getting there thx. Hopefully will be over most of it by the 25th. It is a busy stressful season for most. I have cut back so much by necessity. The peace and silence brought by snow is very special. I love it. Hope the driving went OK today.

becky - unbelievable again. What a huge sense of entitlement. Best to laugh at the ridiculousness if it. So sorry Pam is not well but glad she has good resources around her and she will come home tomorrow.

send - glad you are feeling better.

cmag - Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and family too

stacey - hope you have a wonderful Christmas with all the family celebrations. You will be showing off your newly decorated home to any who come, Very kind of you to open your home to those LOs who do not have anywhere to go that day. Re the stress after the stress - I knew a lovely lady who went through a very difficult divorce. 6 months later she developed very painful arthritis. Eventually it resolved itself. She was sure it was a delayed reaction to the stress. The body can only cope with so much.

R finally got word to go south to family. He will see grandchildren - some of them anyway. I am glad for him. Had a 2 hr phone chat with oldest son today. It was awesome!!! He lost his job when Sears closed and is thinking of returning to school to get a B Comm. I think it is a good idea. Even though he has a two year college diploma, he will have to do some high school upgrading which I find strange in a world of education which is supposed to have increased flexibility for adult students as well as give credit for work experience. The colleges were the same which surprised me. Other son with depressed wife is here in town and was less reachable and not interested getting together. What's new? Dd is having a second hernia op in Feb. I hope they get it right this time.

Mother, having been taken off her antipsychotic, is being given a higher dose of antidepressant. I think they are hoping it will help with pain relief. So far they are not seeing any effect from the removal of the risperidone.

That's my family news to date, I guess.

I am still getting sime ghost images watching tv. It makes the faces look a bit strange, but then with all the face lifts around, many look a bit strange anyway.

Take care, breath deep, it will all be over in a couple or three days. Blessings to all.

Golden, I am not sure at all either. It will be over in 24 hours. It is snowing, maybe it will blizzard and keep them home. I can hope, can't I?

Spent a good part of the day making Swedish meatballs for dinner tomorrow. Mashed potatoes, some will be for lefse. Mmmm. And gjetost. I could just eat gjetost and lefse, if need be. I am exhausted, but at this point, the most normal Christmas I have had in six years. 😶

Hello - I'll be back in here later tonight. Just wanted to say HI and to send big, big hugs to everyone who is stressed out over the holidays and/or family/family memories right now. I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

I was just out doing the last of the shopping.....the crowds and the bad driving and the constant sound of Christmas music....and BUY BUY BUY!!!.....and almost all the cashiers are dead-eyed from customer stress overload and the endless repetition of holiday pop music (been there, dear retail workers of the world!)....and I'm also texting with my brother who STILL doesn't know when/if he's coming (honestly it would be a relief right now if he didn't, but I'm on tenterhooks till I KNOW one way or the other)....and texting with friends who want me to do stuff with them but I can't because I have to clean the apartment now JUST IN CASE bro comes, and mom has dialysis tomorrow.....everything about Christmastime and family, really.....

Christmastime is like this overwhelming PTSD sensory overload, every year, and worse now that mom lives here. I was pushing my cart past the stuffing boxes and thinking it all makes me feel like I'm a war vet who has to dash through enemy fire once a year just because it's tradition.

The first year after mom is gone, I'm going somewhere else.

Anyway, back later. Just had to get that out. Haven't even unpacked the groceries yet!

glad - polar vortex?? we just got a weather warning that the north pole will be warmer than points south and we are on the edge of the frigid region. Actually, right now, it looks like we won't get the worst of it. Hope that remains. Minus teens in the daytime, minus twenties at night - could be worse and will be later on I am sure. Yeah, + anything is a heat wave. Not sure about your visit with the twisteds either. Hope you are feeling better -it doesn't help not to. Stay safe, and warm, and nap if you have to. I hibernate as much as I can get away with.

Ali - good advice to glad. Same back at you, Hope you get over this bug or whatever. It is the season. My stomach is better, but I get a little light headed when I get up sometimes so I am not over it yet. These things seem to hang on.

(((((((guest))))) thx the golden moniker comes from the horse in my avatar - R's fave stallion. Thats is a wonderful Christmas "letter". Love the gift your fil got. Merry Christmas - kaboom!!!! Sorry, but it is funny. Keep up those boundaries. Helpless and hopeless will cope her own way. Good of you to help her mother.

oregon - I gather you are not happy with what is happening at your son's in terms of your care/relationship. I plan on going into a facility when I can't manage on my own and will be glad if/when my kids visit at all. Meanwhile I am older than you, I have paid my dues too, and am still caregiving my 105 yr old mother and managing my own life. Some of us are scarred from childhood, and still stepped up to the plate to help our parent as we could. There is not always an easy alternative. Venting about it in a supportive place helps us carry on. Being lectured doesn't. Hope you have a Merry Christmas and a better New Year.

Pam, They are hysterical. Sometimes I can't believe the things they do. Such a sense of entitlement. Still at the hospital. Pam is being admitted for breathing treatments. She has severe bronchitis. At least she was prepared. She brought a tote bag with toiletries, gown, robe, slippers and book. They said she should get to come tomorrow afternoon. Jay came by and brought us a slice of pizza.

Thank you Sendhelp.

Wishing you and everyone here a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Becky that is so wrong, and yet so hysterical! Oh boy it never ends does it?

Today has been one of those days. My SIL called me this morning. She wanted me to wire her, her son and her daughter each $1500.00 for Christmas. I told her NO. I pointed out I had a restraining order that prohibited her from her from contacting me in any manner. Can you hear me slamming the phone down. What is wrong with this woman and her children. I guess it's really true dysfunction never takes a holiday. 

Pam's cough is worse and her breathing is very rough. I'm taking her to ER clinic at 5:00 to meet her doctor.

CMagnum,
Thank you for starting this dysfunctional thread for caregivers.!
It has been an awesome success, and a place to visit without judgments.

Wishing you and your wife a very Merry Christmas 2017!
You are appreciated by me. So thank you!

Oregon girl, while I agree with you that care giving for a loved one is a learning lesson, do know that so many on this particular thread have been mentally scarred by those they have care for, and the road to recovery is long and difficult. While my own situation was different than most, in that I cared for my Narcissistic FIL for 13 years until his passing in my home on Hospice this year, I personally did not come from a painful and dysfunctional family myself, but still was/am affected, in that my husband was, and still suffers the emotional scars after his death.

Even in dealing with him for so long, it is very difficult to give that care with a cheery attitude and a stiff upper lip, which is why we come her for support from one another, and to learn how to put up boundaries, in order to save ourselves the continued pain, and to promote healing in one another. Like you, I cared for my own parents, and it was my pleasure and my honor, but for so many here, that is so very difficult to do, so if you receive mixed messages from others, this is why. I am still learning how to be supportive to my husband who has faced a lifetime of dysfunctional grooming, and he still is struggling with his feelings, and probably will for the rest of his life.

I hope you find peace and support from your children as you age, and require more help, and yes, I do believe that you get out of your children what you put into them. After so many years of hands on care giving, I now know that I would never wish to impose on my children to care for me in the manner in which we cared for his Father, I do not feel it's fair, but I would like to think that they would see me safe and cared for in a decent Senior Living apartment or Nursing home, and visit me too. I hope that you continue in good health, and Merry Christmas!

Such a busy time of year for everyone. Remember to take time out for yourselves. Caregiving is stressful, and holidays are too. Finding time to sit down to watch a movie or a 30 minute program can be difficult.

Dorianne, I hope your pain is manageable. Nothing worse than pain while trying to accomplish all you have on your plate. Take of yourself, enjoy a cup of coffee or hot cocoa.

Stacey and Golden, hope you are feeling better soon. Flu and cold season is hitting many people now

Send, I hope you are better too. You really had a bad flu this time around.

Ali, exercise is good for relieving stress. I hope you find a gym close to you.

Glad, the socks have leaves on them. I really am enjoying them! Just in time for snow.

Snowed all night here, a good few inches. Looks so pretty and I love the peaceful quietness. Time to get ready for work, early shift today. Not looking forward to driving on snowy streets.

oregongirl, why do you post on here when you have said you are in good health? If you are not happy with the care you receiving, or your living arrangement, do something about it! Hire caregivers you like. Move to senior housing. Only you can decide to be happy, no one can make you happy.

Anyhoo, just swinging by to catch up on what's going on for y'all! I would probably have a longer response except I just spent all my late night writing energy on a new thread about medical marijuana, lol.

Injured leg is in bad pain today. It started when the snow started - oh what a fun winter this will be. FINALLY got mom's main Christmas present while she was at dialysis, so I could sneak it in the door without her seeing!

I mainly went looking for a comforter because she can't maneuver the big duvet anymore, so she's using my comforter with a couple of blankets....I hate duvets now that I've got night sweats, but now that it's cold out, I want my comforter back! Lol. Selfish me. But I ended up getting her brand new everything - comforter, bedskirt, shams, throw pillows, 2 sets of sheets. She spends the majority of her time in her bed because she's so sick, and since she's been successfully using Depends instead of leaky Poise pads for almost a month, I figured she deserves a fresh start with unstained stuff. I spent way more than I planned, sigh. (Some of that is probably guilty feelings.)  And I'll have to get one of the home support ladies to help me with the bedskirt and bottom sheet, so I won't be able to actually dress the bed till the 27th now.  But I DID find some gorgeous stuff that matches her curtains - she loves those curtains; they were one of the first things she picked out for herself when she moved here. 

Anyway, that was about all I could manage for Christmas activities today before my knee screamed at me to go lie down. Even driving is hurting me right now. Sitting up writing this is hurting, to be honest. That's why I read more than I post. I can at least do it lying down!

Sweet dreams for anyone still up!

oregongirl, forgive me for not appreciating you for lecturing us, but you ARE posting on a thread for caregivers in dysfunctional families.

Walking away is not always an option just because there is past history. Please do not make assumptions about our families or our lives.  We are NOT obligated to be thankful to the person we are caring for. 

Please do not judge or scold, especially when it comes to things you haven't experienced. We are all entitled to our feelings, whatever they may be.  And what I am thankful for is having a place to express them. 

Hey Stacey, I think that we get stress symptoms long after we have passed through a very stressful time. It wouldn't surprise me if you were still experiencing some physical manifestations of your very stressful time caregiving to FIL.

I'm telling myself that after I get through the holiday time, there will be sales offers for all the gyms nearby to me (there are quite a few reasonably priced ones within a couple of miles!), and joining a gym that has some training programs, getting involved in daily workouts again is probably the best medicine I can do for ongoing stress issues of my own. I don't know what would be best for you, 'course, but I've jotted down my symptoms in a list to discuss with new PCP, and I realize that as physical as they are (headaches, sleep issues top the list), it could all be due to stress/anxiety and physical exercise is about the only thing I can think of that's known to help... and I need help lol.

I started having TMJ pain daily and had no clue what this was. I read about it online and seems that it is due to stress. Thankfully, I am in good enough shape still (no knee or joint issues) that I can start up with some workouts and see if that doesn't help.

I think I was hopeful that I would move away from the old house, move away from caregiving life, and *poof!* I would feel much improved every day. I do feel better, no doubt about that, and I'm taking on more and more... but... when I get a new symptom from stress (the TMJ pain), then I have to figure my body is on a runaway stress syndrome programming, where it's putting out too much norepinephrine and cortisol and other related stress chemicals in the body.

My long winded way of saying -- I do think our bodies get on a certain track of putting out those stress hormones when we need them, but don't necessarily automatically dial it back once situation has resolved. I think we continue to feel the effects and have to make conscious effort to heal. I wish you healing. (((hugs)))

Everyone on here is caring for someone. I did that with my husband for many years and my partner for the last 10 years. I paid my dues I am now 75. I owned my home FREE and clear. I really did not want to move. My son became ill and I wanted so badly to be there to help him. I want all of you to understand the person you care for is a loving human being. The one you love may have been harmed mentally by the issues they have had to face for years. The person you are caring for may have been your parent and surely you realize that they saw you through many hard years while you were growing. They too, went thru horrible times including wars and loss of many. Suddenly, they (as well as myself) are old. Do you think we came to this earth to end up with memory loss or bad behavior? NO. Most of us, wanted desperately not to go to a nursing home. So, you decided that due to lack of funds you would care for your parent at home. Well, all I ask is that I come on here ONE day and hear how thankful you are for your elderly person you are caring for. Unless of course, they were a terrible memory of your youth. In that case, you should not be taking care of this human being. But someone who affected your life positively, Come on now, Help them get to that Last day that they want more than you do

I congratulate you who care and love for your loved ones. It is NOT easy. My husband was a wonderful man, full of strength and the shoulders of a swimmer His death was quiet and one that most would want. But, his care (being the first I ever cared for), was difficult. I felt guilty after he passed thinking did I short him on anything. I know he waits for me. If you do not like the person you are caring for, or HATE what you are doing...Take a moment and ask God to help you. YOU WILL BE THERE SOON ENOUGH. Who will take care of you? Are you an example of who you would like caring for you?
I wish I could say that my senior years are any better. I know my kids love me, but I think they too cannot see the OLD they will become. Please I pray, take care and understand the bad things your elderly (former active intelligent person) is now facing. Help them. If you can't, walk away and leave the job to someone else. Remember, God is watching His love one die. He wants you to learn from this time.

bummer, stacey (((((((hugs))))) yes, I remember. Couldn't be gall bladder could it? Sounds very painful. I was concerned I was getting an ulcer, but I refuse to do that!!!! Being still helps me and " soft foods" like applesauce. Yogurt is good, but I didn't have any and am in no shape to go out and get it. I ate pretty normally today and have a little heart burn, but not bad. Take care of you - stress can still manifest after it is all over,

Feel better Golden!!! I have been battling my same ole stomach/diaphragm pain/spasms these past few days myself, and it couldn't come at a worse time!!! Mine lasted 48 hours, and was gone as fast as it came on. All I could do was sit as still as possible, reduce food intake and drink hot tea, though I did start taking Prevacid and will stay on it for the foreseeable future. The pain just stops me in my tracks, and I am unable to even sleep through it. Remember I was hospitalized for this same issue back in July, and have been to the Drs several times, including the Cardiologist, to rule out heart problems. Nothing was found, so now I just soldier through it on my own. I'm sure it is stress related, but my stress Should be a thing of the past!!! I just don't get it! The body is a mysterious thing! You take care!

Ready for bed an hour earlier than yesterday, but on the mend finally,
Pepto Bismol and sauerkraut!!! How's that for a mixture!
Feels like flu - I am soooo tired/sleepy! Should make more sense tomorrow. Will respond then. ❤❤❤

Happy Holiday's to Everyone here on the Dysfunctional thread!!!

Our Christmas is shaping up to be a nice one, with Christmas eve at our Eldest Son and wife's home, and we will open our home to any family members who do not have a place to go for dinner, our kids will pop in at various times, between visiting their other relatives. We are cooking the traditional Turkey dinner with all the trimmings, my fave sister is coming also!

After Christmas, my younger Brother is hosting all 6 siblings and spouses in his home, so that will be great too! I still have all my wrapping to do, and last minute grocery shopping for the fresh veg and things.

As I've promised myself in previous years (but did not fulfill, uggg!), I intend to do it all differently next year, and plan to stick to it this time!!! I really want to be all shopped, wrapped and decorated by November 30'th, so that we can truly enjoy the holidays! Due to my FIL 's issues and passing, I'll cut myself a break this year, as there was no time to even think about anything else but his welfare, but going forward, it seems a promise that I can make to myself.

We did get over to see my Daughter and SIL's home all beautifully decorated and all lit up!! It's so nice to see our kids flourish, happy and successful! My Daughter just started a new job with a large legal firm in downtown Seattle, after being so unhappy working at Microsoft. Too bad as the salary and benefits were fantastic, but certainly not worth her being unhappy in her job!
Her new job is a position of Administrative Assistant to one of the Presidents of the firm, and after just one week on the job, she knows she is going to Love it! The Gentleman is very nice to her and the salary is comparable to what she was making before, with many options to advance, plus an all together new business, so much to learn, but she does well and thrives on learning new things. She's a real go getter, so I've no doubts it will be a good fit for her. We never stop worrying about our kids, do we? Lol!

All my other kids and Grandies are doing great! My 7 year old Grandson has just been recruited to a Select Baseball team, and will be on 2 teams in the upcoming baseball season! Our Christmas present to him was to sponsor him financially, as well as buy him a new baseball bat. Who knew bats could be So expensive, 200 dollars! I didn't know what I was in for when that sweet talking little cherub asked us for one for Christmas, lol! No matter, he's worth every penny! Grandpa is stoked about his baseball talents, as he feels he's taking after him! Hubby Loves to go to his baseball games, so it is giving him something to do, especially since they practice all winter in an indoor arena! Our 4 year old Grandson is playing T-ball, so they will be very busy come Spring, add in Soccer, swimming lessons, Snowboarding and all the rest, I'm glad child rearing is far behind us! I do not know how they afford all of this, but we did it for 4 kids, so I know its possible and good to keep the kids active in a positive way!

Well All, I've still much to get done before the big day, so I Wish you all a Very Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!!!!! Love, Stacey

Repost massive missive from Whine for all beloved caregivers
The massive missive. Anyone I don't mention, please have fun.
Dearest glad, I have dinner with husband, son, BIL, FIL and MIL tonight. I feel your dread and hope that you are able to smile and just remember that the TS chickens will come home to roost when they need help and have children who have watched what is expected in caring for parents. Bwahaha.
Becky, you have so much compassion. You enjoy the holiday with your new extended family that loves you. Best Gift Ever.
Golden, you really are that. Happiest.
Ali, just remember that you can pick your nose and your clothes, but you can't pick your birth family. Hugs to you.
Send, don't take the Aspy brain farts to heart. They *really* can't help a lot of it - we have to manage around them.
Veronica, I hope that you enjoy some part of the holiday eats despite the darn tube.
CM, I'd eat your fairy cakes! Make some and munch for us.
CWillie, make time for you in the holiday. My FIL on 24 hour oxygen was given a lovely candle and stepmother with parkinson's a package of dry cookies and package of peanuts by their church...
Windy, you got your holiday bonus. A safe place for mom/dad...
East and Duck-we will never be enough for the narcissists. Please enjoy the time with people who will love you and want you safe.
I continue boundary setting. Friend still has no vehicle after a month -her title is not bank lien released--paid off over 5 years ago and "she never noticed she didn't get her title". Drag feet and continuous pleas of depression that prevent her doing work but I should take it on with my 2 other part time jobs. Yep, you are depressed. So am I - clinically diagnosed, on meds, and with treatment plan. Are you getting help? Oh, no, not the former psychiatric aide...well, then it's an impasse and I'll drive you to the grocery once per week and wait in the parking lot. Meds can be delivered, and I will help 90 year old apply for public transport again after daughter p*ssed off case manager.. Happy Holidays to all and Much LOVE!!!

Becky, now is a good time to buy cars. In Idaho they offer the rebates on cars at the end of the year, but not on trucks or suv's.

0 degrees, feels like -13. Brrrr! I do not want to get out of bed. Hibernation sounds pretty darn good right now.

Mind your boundaries, mind your feelings, Glad. You know this, but I'm just concerned for you. But perhaps it will go fine and will be a step to a cooly civil relationship for you and twisteds, for other family's sake. Maybe you'll find a new normal you can live with. Wishing you PEACE for the holidays.

And BRRRRRR, 9 degrees!  I think that vortex is headed here next.  

Polar vortex has descended. 9 degrees here. But, I don't dare complain as that probably sounds like a heat wave to golden. Actually got a couple of inches of snow.

Welcome Lolo. Yes with the narcissists you have to detach to save your own sanity. Been there, it has been six years now, since I started caring for mom with alz. Decided I had enough two years ago (doesn't seem possible) and twisted sisters moved mom and her hubby to a facility. Mom passed June 1, her hubby October 2016. There were parts of me that hoped when mom was placed that some sort of relationship could result. Nope. Two years where I was not able to receive any updates on mom from ts2. Families get so bizarre and if dysfunctional even becomes more so if a parent develops dementia.

So, I am nuts. I am going to be with my kids and families for Xmas, and twisteds and families too. I had mentioned inviting twisteds to daughter's for Xmas eve. Then I decided against it. Then invite to ts2's house came. Then I told kids go ahead and invite them for Xmas eve. Too hard for kids to travel an hour and a half to ts2 with the five grands.

I am just plain tired of the exclusion and isolation I feel as a result of MY reaction to twisted behaviors. It will only be a few hours. If uncomfortable I can go nap. I have been under the weather for a few days. Not even sure I will leave tomorrow afternoon as planned. I really am not sure about this at all.

Barb. I have tons of puncture vines (goatheads) that could definitely use your killing skills! They are truly a nasty weed! 😁

becky -3 boys is a handful I remember those days. And they eat lots!!!

Off to bed early - my stomach is still not right usually I am over any stomach bug in a day or two. Pepto Bismol is my friend right now, I apologize if any of my posts have been "off" My stomach is distracting. I realised I left out the context of my 20 plants. I came up here with 40, (yes I am a crazy plant lady, have no idea now where I put them) lost one on the trip and many more since, some of which have been replaced. If I keep going at this rate I will get down to a reasonable number. The bonus is they clean the air and provide moisture.

have a good night everyone

Sharyn, Congratulations on the new car! Glad you got a good deal. I need a new vehicle, but I hate shopping for a car.

Went to the grocery this morning. Took three boys with me. What a chore. I spent a ton of money, had the car full and I'm still not sure what's for Christmas dinner.

Hope so, Veronica - as they say, better than the alternative!

sharyn - that is great news. I am happy for you!

Welcome to the new posters. I will catch up in a few days. Too much going on this week. Good news is we got me a new car, old one not worth fixing. Year end rebates and clearances, we paid less the it than we did for my 2007 car when it was new. Next week we will know what the insurance will paid on the truck and then get hubby something. We are donating both old vehicles.