The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Golden, what is a Newfi Jiggs dinner?

Dori lots of my Italian friends do a lasagna for Christmas.. you can but yummy frozen ones, have a bagged salad and a pumpkin pie for tradition! I wish I could get away with that.. but maybe someday!

Thanks for the input and support on the Christmas situation....

New twist. Brother MIGHT be coming up. I wrote him an e-mail a couple of weeks ago, letting him know how bad mom is and hinting that it might be the last Christmas for her. He didn't really give me a straight answer till I texted him today, to let him know I put his present in the Express post. Now he says he says he has new snow tires and a tune up scheduled for Saturday, but that the highway weather is predicted to be bad next week. That's it. No date, no mention of how long.

So now I'm all up in the air again, and I'd just decided to take the advice you all gave, lol. I guess....I'll finish the tree and get something simple for the freezer. (I've never cooked a turkey in my life, I'm not gonna learn based on a "maybe.")

Might be just as well I stay with mom. BFF has decreed that the womenfolk are going to do the sitting around being lazy this year, and the menfolk (husband and 3 sons) have to make the Christmas dinner! I last saw hubby googling turkeys that were dressed to look like the creepy facehugger from the Aliens movies....

Guest - good idea about the pain, and well done for your survival. I can't imagine.
Plantar fasciitis is no fun. I have had it but with stretching, it went away. You are doing well avoiding the in law's plans.

Do you remember Lil Abner and Joe Btfsplk? Sometimes I feel like Joe, only the disasters come to me not others. I want a little boredom. Well, maybe I don't after all. "Stuff" keeps my brain cells active.

R's comment about the crazy lady was that we would know she was really crazy if she came back after the way I treated her. Someone shovelled the sidewalk in front and a little into the driveway the other day. I didn't see who. I am not sure it is over yet. The nice next door neighbour's back is too bad for her to do it.  I assure you all I am not rude normally - only when really called for.

Glad - been wondering how Ming is doing. Is she driving you nuts? Hope the weather there is not too bad. However, you have a good vehicle for driving in the snow!

Many are facing a first Christmas without a loved one. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Going for my first post op left eye appointment today. It has healed well as far as I can tell and I do need a new lens. However, a machine at the eye place needed for fitting in the new lenses is broken so I cannot expect my glasses to be right till after the new year. Bummer. I need to be careful when driving I know, and actually see distance better without them. There were 3 highway accidents the day R drove south. Two of them involved semis on the new twinned highway. You can't fix stupid or icy road conditions - well they can be sanded.

Need to go today for a thyroid check as well. Been feeling a bit hyper.

Christmas Day I will go to dd's for a full Newfie Jiggs dinner. Her hub is a great cook. R usually visits his grands, all of them far south, but they, like he, are last minute people so he is in a tizzy not knowing what is going on. Last year the family seasonal marathon fell apart as each family had developed their own traditions. I wouldn't be surprised if that is the case again this year - all a normal progression. And if the weather is colder and snowy, as promised, travelling is not a good idea. Where he is staying they will, at least, feed him well.

Hope everyone is doing reasonably well. It can be a stressful time of year. Be cool (not cold) chill out, stay warm, and all those other good things... and look after you!

Becky-have they done a bone scan for your cousin? A friend from college was having back pain and had breast cancer many years before. Come to find out after more than 2 years being treated for "back pain and overdoing it", the cancer had metastasized to her bones. She is now on a different chemo pill, and has finally had some relief from the pain. Something to consider. As a 2x survivor myself, vigilance is the key. Hope that you have gotten some support in clean up efforts in the aftermath of caregiver center burglary. Enjoy the holiday.
East, please listen to CM. You cannot make people take help from others when they are determined that YOU are going to give it to them. You were programmed to be the servant. You have your own health and mental challenges, and your husband as well. If your mother refuses help? It's not your responsibility. Your brother took it on. He only wants things his way. It hurts the heart, but free will is exactly that. The greatest gift and curse we were all granted.
Sharyn, hope you have great holidays and glad environment is less toxic.
Glad, hope your feet feel better. I have plantar fasci (sp) issues and need really good arch support. SAS shoes are great for me, but I have to replace the arch support every 3-4 months.
Golden, you keep beating them back! Taking care of your own health and managing the stresses of disasters.
As the dinner looms closer, the volleys begin. MIL went out to dinner and to her house yesterday with FIL on pass from facility. She was looking for nice outfit for Friday dinner to come. Oh, no, the food they ate didn't agree with her and she had to return to facility (please note MIL insists on eating foods that do not work well with her medications EVER and always thinks it will be OK THIS TIME). "Hey, SON, Perhaps we could rearrange as the restaurant might not be a good idea...we could fix food at the house..." To husband from me: how is the Parkinson's patient or the COPD guy who eats ensure by the caseload going to fix dinner...yeah, that would be a no for me to fix or bring food in to prepare, serve and clean up after. Who will clean the house that FIL has been living the bachelor life in? that would be a no to me organizing that too. FIL refuses to hire housekeeping help. Family should pitch in. (He and MIL never helped anyone else in the family at all). So, just keep your good thoughts coming. Hugs to all I've not mentioned - I think of you, really, just try to sneak posts in on breaks at work.

becky - good information for trying. I am glad you have the medical connections now for your cousin, though sorry she is in pain. I think you are right about her overdoing it. You are having sime cold weather!!!

sharyn - a BLT was one of my faves before allergies. Glad work is going well and the complainer is leaving. Everyone will heave a sigh of relief. I gather you are enjoying your first Idaho winter. Hope you have a white Christmas too. Has there been enough snow for the boys to build a snowman?

trying - mostly you will get support here and not be judged. Once in a while a weirdo appears on a thread and once in a while there are misunderstandings, but most of the time it works very well. Your mother is fortunate to have you and you are doing a great job. Hoarding is a mental illness and if she can't do it where she is then she is much better off. I am glad she is already on medicaid. That is a large hurdle crossed. Sorry about your hubs mum. I am sure he is busy with his dad.

duck - so good that you can help your mum in a day to day basis. You are very tender with her. Your sis is who she is and likely won't change, so work around her as you are doing. I have been to much therapy and hope that you have a positive experience. It has been very good for me. No more signs of the crazy lady thankfully. All the best for the season for you too. Yes, it is about love.

((((((dori)))))) - the season does bring back memories. It would be good to cut yourself some slack. Re what your mother wants -maybe she doesn't know or maybe she doesn't care and that's OK. You can't fix it and I know that hurts at times. I think Becky's compromise idea is a good one. You need some good times for just you. I am alone most of Christmas and I am fine with that. Your mother may be fine with it too.

east - what cm said. Work on yourself -- not getting stressed. There is very little you can actually do about your mother/bro situation. Your mother has refused help for the most part. She is, to me, showing signs of mental decline with the repetitions etc. It reminds me of my mother when she first started declining - she insisted that everyone else was confused. Hope you have a great Christmas with your family.

cm - very good suggestions about east texting her bro then after an appropriate time calling APS. The lady (east's mum) is not quite safe on her own. Hope your neighbour does not get more bad news about the blob. Happy Hanukkah!

East, only one thing is certain. That you making yourself sick with worry over your mother helps nobody. Not you, not your family and not your mother either.

You are getting all of this information about what's been going on from your mother, yes? So it's necessarily unreliable - might be true, might be half-true, might be baloney. So-and-so was very rude (maybe). So-and-so did this (could be). So-and-so did that (who knows).

You could text your brother and say: "mother is manifestly not safe on her own. Who is responsible for her welfare while you are away?" And if he doesn't reply, or you're not satisfied with his answer, you could call APS and tell them what the situation is - that your mother lives alone with your brother's support and you are not physically able to assist .

But you can't DO anything. She won't come to you, you can't go to her and you have already made that extremely plain, she has rejected sensible proposals and she is not (not yet anyway) mentally incapacitated. She has tied your hands. It's not your fault.

And, very importantly, for all you know there is actually a lot more help being sneaked in behind the scenes than she is admitting to, or possibly aware of. It's not your fault that you can't possibly know that, either.

Yes you should let her make her own mistakes, especially as your brother is her primary caregiver and not you, plus you know she is already on social services' radar, plus your mother and brother have intentionally excluded you from responsibility by, for example, omitting you from the emergency contact list. But if you really can't stop worrying, then text brother, give him 24 hours, and if you're still worried call APS for advice.

From Easteagle: Hello All, I know, I have not posted for awhile. I know you have all been through this yourselves: Our Parents refuse all outside help. Well the latest news is that my Mother met with the Ladies from Elder Services, and the wonderful news is that she qualifies financially for their help, and would pay only around $27.00 per MONTH, for their services. That is IF I understand my Mother and Brother correctly. I had tried to reach my Mother's Care Manager at the Elder Services office, and had to leave a message, that was over a week ago, and I have not heard back from anyone, yet. I do not have the phone number of my Mother's Visiting Nurse either, my Mother and Brother did not provide me with any contact info or phone numbers, just in case. I hope I make this long story short for all of you, and I know that I sound like "a broken record." So, my Mother hated the 2 Women who came to talk to her about all the services she could get, such as transportation for shopping, someone who will go shopping for her, or will go with her, housekeeping, etc. What happened was: when the Woman came to go over the list of services, my Mother also had her Visiting Nurse there, and the two Ladies were talking to each other. My Mother "flipped out" and said to them, "I don't like it when you are talking about me, behind my back, and I have a very keen mind, I do not have dementia, and I don't appreciate you talking about me." The Nurse and the Elder Services Lady told my Mother that they were just going over the list together, because the Nurse had been my Mother's V Nurse for many months now, and she really knows my Mother's living situation and what she needs as far as help. My Mother did not believe them. She got very stressed out. My Mother told me that the Elder Services Lady was very rude to her, and she claims that she told my Mother that she was talking too much. Now usually, my Mother is not the type to just keep talking to people that she does not know. So I don't know what to believe, I don't know if this woman was really rude to her, or not. So my Mother told me that this Woman is a very "Low-Class" person. That is my Mother's favorite term to use, when she doesn't like someone. Well the drama goes on and on, and it now looks like my Mother will not be using their services, and she has never called any of the private Home Health Agencies either, and never called the one that my Cousin had used for her Dad, that she highly recommended. What really scares me is this: This past week, my Mother told me that she left a pan on the stove and it was burning up, she was boiling an egg, and she said she only left it for "15 minutes". So the water had boiled away, and the pan was burning. Well I thank God that her smoke/fire detector was working, because she heard it going off, and realized that she had forgotten about the pan. Then she told me that she has done this before, and has burned and ruined most of her pans. Of course, I didn't know this was happening until just now. Last week, my Brother left with his wife to go on vacation to their house in Florida, where my sister in law's daughter and family are now living. They left last Wednesday, and they are staying until Dec 24th, but he did not tell me that he was going away. When I found out, I went into a panic about my Mother being all alone. I asked her to come and stay with us for Xmas, and of course, she would not have to stay the entire 11 or 12 days, we would pick her up and she could stay with us for a few days over Xmas. But, she has refused. So about the Elder Services again, she just told me that she would rather "stay dirty, and starve to death" before she lets anyone come into her house to bother her. She said, "I am not a people person." She also told the Nurse, and me, that the people who use the Elder Services, or the Home Health Aides, are people who need and are seeking a lot of attention, and they want all the services that they can get, and that she is not that kind of person. So, I have asked my 3 Daughters what their opinion is, and they all agree with my Husband, that my Mother is being way too stubborn and very unreasonable. Another thing that happened a few times: my Mother called me the other nigh at 9:30pm and she thought it was in the morning. She is getting her days and nights mixed up, but not all the time. I think her bad eyesight is causing this mix-up, and also she does not sleep at regular times. She stays up all night, and falls asleep during the day, and she does not hear anyone when they knock on her front door. Also, after I made tons of phone calls, and lined up a phone call to her - from the Benefits manager, about getting supplement Medicare insurance, she totally forgot about it, and did not answer the phone when they called. My brother was also supposed to be there to help her, but he shrugged it off, and he had told my Mother that her would be at her house to meet the Elder Services people, but he never showed up. I could go on and on. I know that many of you have been through all of this. It is just so hard, because my Mother was the one person who was always so sensible, no-nonsense, and full of common sense, and now she is being so difficult. The Ladies told my Mother that she could try out their services, and then she could change her mind, and not have them come anymore. They suggested just 2 days a week, to start with, and that would be just an hour or a few hours, depending on what she needed that day. They also have a hair dresser that would come in to wash her hair and style it, or they could take her to a salon of her choosing. She told me yesterday, that she will call her cab, and the cab drivers will help her go shopping. I am at my wits end. I had been feeling pretty good lately, but after the last phone call from Mom, my stomach was really bad for 2 days. She also calls me, which I don't mind of course, but lately she wants to keep talking for hours about things that we have already discussed, so she is repeating the same old stories. Sometimes, I have to tell her that I have to go into the bathroom, because I just know that she wants to talk for another few HOURS. I don't have the heart to say I can't listen, but my Mother just told me that I can interrupt her, and tell her that she is talking too long. So she does realize that she talks on and on. So, I am asking for your advice, again. Should I just leave her alone, and just wait for the next disaster to happen. I don't know what else I can do. There is a lot more going, my Brother is keeping tabs on what my Mother is spending, and so on. I can't go into all of that. I just want to know if I should let her make her own bad decisions. She also wants us to go to her house for Xmas, after I told her that we are staying home. Does understand that we have done all of the traveling and driving over the last 40 years, to her house, and to my 2 Aunts. We just can't do it anymore. My Mother wants to do all the cooking, but my Cousin reminded her that she can't do it by herself. One last thing, my Nephew and his wife, and baby, ended up going to my Mother's house on Thanksgiving day, but they didn't show up until 7pm that night. This is the Grandson that my Mother is crazy about, and she loves his wife. She is always commenting on how wonderful his wife is, because she has 2 college degrees, and has a very good job with a big income. But, I could not believe that they showed up so late, and did not call my Mother. Well, that is just a small part of what is going on. Thanks you All, for letting me vent. I have to get back to trying to clean up my house for Xmas Eve, my 3 Daughters and their Families are coming here for dinner.

Therapy should be a safe place for you to talk without judgement. You will learn things about yourself that impairs your life and how to change it. You will learn your strengths.

Work is going well. You know, it’s work. The young girl I mentioned in a previous post is leaving, last Day is the 28th. Most of us are glad as we are tired of listening to her complain about the manager.

The snow is mostly all melted, that is normal as it seldom accumulates before more snow falls here. I would like a white Christmas though.

Just looked out window - bank temperature sign - 3 degrees F

Dorianne, I've been down that bad Christmas memory road. It's not a good place to go. Maybe you can compromise - go to your friends for part of the day and spent part with your Mom. We haven't put our tree up yet. Mostly fear that the boys, the cat or one of the little dogs will make a big mess. Or maybe PJ hasn't remembered where he put it up last year. I'm sure we'll get it up by the weekend. I hope you can find a way to do something for yourself for Christmas.

Hi all. Late night for me - the week was crazy and I slept half the day away. Now I'm awake at 1:30 lol.

I'm feeling glum and weepy these days. I hate Christmas. Sooooo many sh***y memories. Soooo much pressure to have some mythical happy family event that never existed for me, that isn't even possible now. I've always secretly envied people that had enough money to run off to the tropics for Christmas. It's not that I feel sorry for myself, it's just that I'm not good at pretending to feel things I don't.

I'm certainly not ready for it, whatever Christmas there is this year. I dragged the tree out, but I haven't finished it. What's the point - mom doesn't participate, or care or even know what day it is half the time. She didn't care about getting a present or a card for anyone, not even my brother. (It's kind of startling to realize you're in charge of picking out your mother's card and present to your brother.) I know some of it is dementia, but mostly she just doesn't care anymore. So I haven't put my heart into anything. There's nothing for under the tree yet. I haven't gotten anything done except soap-making. I'll be scrambling to put some things together for my friends at the last minute.

I want to go to my BFF's like I've done the last several years. It's so peaceful and drama-free - no one fights or gets drunk; it's just playing with grandbabies and over-eating and playing games and watching Doctor Who. Mom doesn't really want to go there this year. I don't blame her, the way she feels, but I don't know what she WANTS to do. She won't give me any indication. It seems cruel to leave her here on her own, but it could easily end up being yet another day where she sleeps through till the next one, and then I'll end up rattling around here feeling resentful. I don't know what to do.

Dorianne, I made soap once years ago. Mine was not good. I don't know what I did wrong.

Sorry about the leg cramps. I used to take a med that caused them. Not pleasant.

I'm at the ER with my cousin. She was having back pain that her Ibuprofen was not handling. I called PJ's son who is a doctor. He told me to bring her in and he had an oncologist on duty come to the ER to see her. The doctor was very nice and very good to her. She's been asleep for about 3 hours. I think she has been doing too much the last couple of days and exacerbated her pain problems. It's been snowing all night, but the plows, salt and sand trucks have been out since yesterday evening. This is when learning to drive on the bad back roads of West Virginia is an advantage. We'll head home after the hospital pharmacy opens at 7:00 and I get her prescriptions picked up. The oncologist set her up with appointments at his office and also with pain specialist. 

Duck, Don't be afraid of therapy. Be honest with yourself and with your therapist. Good therapists are not judgemental. They want you to succeed in your therapy. You may discover something you don't like or didn't realize about yourself, but that's your chance to understand and make improvements. You will also discover strengths, skills and insights that you didn't realize you had. You can learn to adapt these things to make your life and relationships better. Work hard and remember that listening is always as important as talking.

Trying, People on this thread will try to help you and relate their experiences if they think it will help. None of us have all the answers, and we all have different experiences, but it's a safe space.

Dang! I just spent time writing this long post and decided to delete it. Too much information.

I just realized how my sister talks to my mother like a dog and the intimidation that she accused me of is what she does. I was taken aback when she said it because my mother has never been a person to be intimitdated but I am seeing it now and I feel a kind of way about it. My imagination makes me wonder why she is so timid especially since she disappeard for a while.

I sit and watch my mother, while try to feed her or cook and I am so glad that I can spend time in her presence with out coiling up or rushing to get away. Those bad moments are still there but I prayed not to remember and I was anwered because now with all the kindness and sweetness and innocence I am not drawn to past memories. It just makes me look at her and I cant help but wonder how I am going to make it when she is gone if I am still here. All the bad and the good. I wanted to tell her when my father died, that I dont know what Id do if something happened to her.
It scares me if she doesnt eat or dring that she will get dehydrated and malnourished. I get different kinds of advice from friends who have different experiences and some of the feedback I know is not right. I couldnt just leave before and certainly not now even if I had the means. Deep down in side I long for justice with my sister. I cant understand what makes her need to block me from my mothers care. And I wish I could say it doesnt bother me. It just speaks so much of the true ugly between us that I fooled my self about.
The holiday season makes it a little worse. Christmas is Sunday!!. I see people shopping and cars with trees wrapped on top and it brings back such memories. I wish you all the best in this season. Rays of love, light and happiness. Its about love and I plan to share it with others if I cant with my own family.

Hi all, I am trying to catch up and realize I better start responding before I forget. I am loveing this site catching up. Hearing the good news and exhange of info.

Glad, so good to hear from you. I am looking forward to therapy and your sharing your experience eased some of my fear. I really cant wait. But I am also scared. Facing myself and issues get very emotional for me.
Like everyhing seems like this therapy thing is going to take a while. I took down email address over phone. Imailed job insurance card which is very minimal which is first step. I dont have computer at home right now (in the works) so when I get to work tonight I see it didnt even go through. On my days off. I thought to call but told my self to give them time to check out insurance. Now I see I havent even got the ball rolling. Aye yi yieeee!!!!!

Becky, thanks for the advice. You know I had the bath chair in my head for a reason. But all I could see is it was not safe for my mother to even try to get in the tub not even recognizing it may be fear. Because she was an ardent bather. So that bath chair is in the works. Meanwhile I am making her warm shakes with an infant formula and milk in addition to the spoon feeding which she seems to be used to now. She does eat on her own but its after she has poor appetite.

I bought so more stuff to rubb and moisturize her legs and diabetic socks. She had key chain small flashligt in shoe walking on it. Her foot was tender there and i told her it was from the flashligtht. Cleaned them good and cut the toe nails down.

So sorry about the condition with your eyes. Looks like you are on top of it. All the best in maintaining it.

Golden, the nerve of that woman. I will be careful here on expressing my thoughts. but some people are just plain old tricky. I think you handled her good and the nerve of her to take your property. My goodness. Its a self righteous and selfish spirit. Meeism.

I am glad things are flowing for you. Oh and about the stairs. They do keep you in shape but I sure did love the evlevator the one time I lived in building that had one. I mean its so smooth walking on with your load and walking to your door. Of course then I did a lot of walking. I have two flights to walk up now. I do it like nothing just a lot of phewing once I get in but when my knees were acting up it was horrific up and down. I started back on the glucosamine for joint care. I took for a while, orthro doctor recommended it on my last shot. She was using my visit to teach. (starting to go off tangent here Babble babble.

Dorriane your post bought tears to my eyes.

Ali you are so good at wrapping the delima in a nutshell and showing its normal. That eases the pain. I am rootin for you always.

Guest good luck at the family dinner. Good you standing your ground you have been the bigger person and tolerated so much.

Beckyo4473 thanks for the info! I will definitely check with the social worker on that! Her supplies are so expensive.

Thanks again for all the comments. I have felt completely alone in this journey. My hubby understands to a certain degree and is very supportive. He just can't wrap his head around the hoarding. And He lost his mom to cancer Christmas Eve last year so he's had a lot on his plate, too keeping check on his dad.

I truly appreciate the honest comments and questions without making me feel like a horrible person. Sometimes a person needs the unbiased opinions of others to help them see the big picture!

((((((((Trying))))))

Trying, Check with your Mom's social worker at the NH, your Mom's Medicaid case worker or the state Medicaid office. The Medicaid programs in many states will cover incontinence supplies. In some states no prescription is needed. You can order over the phone and they will deliver to home of medical POA or facility. My aunt who was living in NH in Ohio was sent her supply monthly to her son's house once she was approved to Medicaid. My Mom's Medicare supplement insurance paid for hers monthly. They were delivered to her home and later on to her senior apartment. I'm sorry you are having to cope with all of this. Especially her diabetic non-compliance.

I love avocados! It is good on a BLT, yummy!

First, thank you everyone for the input!

She qualified for Medicaid to pay for her care and she is allowed to keep $50 a month out of her social security and the retirement benefit from my dad's retirement. She was allowed to keep her 2002 car, but it isn't worth much and needs more work done than its worth. She was allowed to keep up to $2000 cash (which she didnt have that much) and that is what is being used for her incontinence supplies and I buy her snacks and incidentals.

Most of the cash She had is gone so until I can get her urologist to write a Rx for the adult diapers I'll be paying for them. I hope medicaid will cover them. He's trying to help the incontinence issue, but when She chooses to not even try to go to the bathroom and try to completely empty her bladder I don't know how much he can help.

The proceeds from the yardsales have helped, but its still not much.

She has been withdrawing the $50 allowance and I think it mostly goes in the snack and drink machine even though I take her diet cokes and healthier snacks.

The deed to the house is in both our names and I was told by the social worker that Medicaid would not consider liquidating it until my death.

Her family doctor thought it was time she go into the NH as well. After being in the NH for 5 months her doctor was so shocked her a1c was down to 7.2 from 10.8 that she had them check it twice. She wouldn't take her medicine and would tell me she was checking her sugar regularly and when i would dig around and check her meter she hadn't checked it sometimes for weeks.

It's been a difficult road since my father passed away in 2015. He had a lung collapse that caused a massive heart attack. He made it to the ER and his heart stopped as they were taking him back. Although they brought him back he was on life support. We agreed to remove it after 5 days because he continued to deteriorate. I had to be the one to actually tell them to remove life support. We all agreed that's what he would want, but no-one could bring themselves to actually tell the doctor to do it. It wasn't until after he died I that I realized just how much he was doing for her. Pretty much everything even though she was capable of doing more. Other than diabetes she hasn't had a lot of health problems and the ones she has, most of them have been brought on by not managing the diabetes and loss of mobility from sitting in her recliner the majority of the time. No broken bones or severe arthritis either. While my dad had emphysema and pretty bad arthritis, but he stayed as active as he could.

I love my mama, but it's just so hurtful she won't clean up behind herself or the animals she had. Almost like she's above doing such degrading tasks, but it's ok for me to do it. After my tending her dogs for months my brother decided he could take them after I put it on Facebook I needed to find them a home. He could've helped because the house is only about 3 miles out his way to and from his job while I had to travel 15 miles one way to see about them. Plus I was going to the NH everyday trying to make the transition easier. I couldn't keep them because my elderly large dog will not tolerate another dog in our home. Its been a bad situation all the way around and I'm tired, burnt out.

Trying, How is the nursing home being paid for now? Medicaid?

TTDR -welcome - I am trying to get some facts straight before responding.

Your mother is a overweight diabetic hoarder with mobility issues who does not manage her diabetes well. She has been in hospital 2x in 9 months from UTI and sepsis. In your and bro's opinion she should not be driving though he will not back you up. This would affect her as the property is in the country.

You are your family moved into a house jointly owned by yourself and your mother to be able to afford to help her and you pay for some of her supplies, her phone etc. and essentially act as POA medical and financial.

The NH do not think she can live on her own and neither do you. In any case you cannot leave your job and you cannot handle being her caretaker.

Your bro is the golden child who can do no wrong. He has an interest in the proceeds if the house was sold, but it would go to the NH.

Okay!!!!

from my perspective - since the NH and you both think that she cannot live alone (and I agree from your description). then it would be wrong to proceed with that plan no matter what she wants. Her needs will only increase and 24/7 professional staff are caring for her now. With some parents, we adult children as caregivers have to choose between what they need and what they want. Safety is all senses has to come first.

She will not be happy about that, but if you can get her doctor or some professional to break the news to her, she will probably take it better than from you.

As others are saying she needs to stay in the NH.

Bro as the golden child can do no wrong and is interested in what he can get out if it. This is is not rare and he may criticise you. Sometimes we have to grow a thick skin.

You do not want to sell the house. I gather she is mostly paying her own way now with some help from you. Is there any chance she would need to go on medicaid at some point in the future? If so, I think it would be wise to see an elder lawyer who understands medicaid to see what your position is as regards the house. Are there documents stating the house is part yours and part your mother's?

In terms of what to do - leave her in the NH as she needs that level of care. She is not going to change for the better, she will get worse over time. It is much better that her money is spent in 24/7 care which is helping keep her healthy, than that she waste it on stuff and not look after herself, and that you are on the spot with an impossible burden of care.

Look after yourself and your family - they come first. Your responsibility to your mother is to see she is well cared for, which she is in the NH. It is not to do hands on care and cater to her wants and whims.  

My husband updated many things in the current house to make it handicap accessible, but that really didn't matter when it was filled up with the hoard. We have found a building to move to the property and add on to for an apartment and it will be handicap accessible as well, but again it won't matter if it is filled so much stuff she can't get around good. She had a decent retirement so if she is not in the NH she will have money to buy more stuff she doesn't need. I just don't know what to do. I'm not selling the house because my paternal grandfather built it and the property has been in my dad's family 200 years. It has a lot of sentimental value to me.

If you sold the farm house to pay for NH, keep her there. If she does not qualify for long term NH care, try assisted living.

Ill clarify more. Im sorry i did not earlier. Just so much to tell.
1. She can't take care of a large space and the more room she has the more stuff she will cram in it.
2. She doesn't want to live with me and I don't want to live with her.
3. The house is a small two bedroom and I have a husband and child. I helped my father every weekend for 3 years to remodel the house a little at the time before they moved in. She never lifted a finger. Brother helped some with wiring.
4. She has been through what was taken out and approved things that could be sold in a yard sale. That has been a battle because She thinks She needs most of it even though a lot is new and has never been used, still in original packaging. Do you think She asked about pictures though? Sentimental things? Nope, not even 5years old pictures of grand kids and great grandkids were buried in the filthy mess. They were already framed. She has kept enough kitchen stuff to furnish 2 homes at least. And she only cooked prepackaged tv dinner type food. She has already caught an eye on the stove on fire twice and it's was a miracle the trash piled a foot high didn't catch, too.
5. Sibling is male (same mother, different father, but my father raised him) he doesn't want to deal with female issues or incontinence issues. I guess he doesn't think he should. When my father was alive he was front and center. She had pneumonia and spent weeks in the hospital and my sibling was there everyday for hours at the time. Since my dad has been gone he started visiting less and less, hasn't visited much during her hospital stays or at the NH. When she needed a phone all he could say was he didn't have the money to pay for it or any of her incontinence supplies which runs about $250 a month when the little bit of money she got to keep runs out. The day after my dad was buried the 2 of them wanted to sell the house claiming it was worth a lot more than it is and split The money. The tax value is $21,000 and wouldn't appraise for much more. It's a very small farm house built in 1929 by my gtandfather and my father was not able to finish doing all the work it needed so it still needs a lot done. She would have blown that money in no time buying more stuff and still been in massive credit card debt plus had to pay rent for an apartment. Not to mention you can't get away with the hoarding and filth in an apartment. And once they figured out it wouldn't be split 3 ways they dropped it. My sibling has a large 4 bedroom mobile home and all his children have moved out, but she can't live with him and his wife. They make around the same thing as me and my spouse.
6. Before my dad died the hoard was here, but he tried to clean as muc as he was allowed and always let the dogs out and cleaned up behind them if needed. He was not in the best of health, but stayed active and waited on my mom hand and foot.
7. She doesn't need to drive and has side swiped a vehicle on the The road she lived on. My brother and I agreed before she went in the NH she doesn't need to drive, but he wouldn't stand with me on it. I mean geez she doesn't see well, won't wear her glasses, and needs cataracts removed, but thinks it's okay to drive.
8. She and I have had it out several times the last few weeks and I told her she could read all the texts between my brother and myself to show her he agreed she shouldn't drive and didn't need to live alone. The house is way out in the country. STILL HE CAN DO NO WRONG. When she went in the NH all he could ask about was what was going to happen to the house. He wasn't happy to know if it was sold all proceeds would go to the NH.

This is most of the story. I do keep receipts of everything and her doctors and the staff at the NH know I am the one that sees about everything. I am the one they call and the one that shows up. I have cleaned up the mess 5 times in less than 3 years. This last time was a complete clean up. I have cleaned rotten food off counters, floor, refridgirator. Cleaned dog excrement, human excrement all over the bathroom, and rat droppings (and I took pictures of the the mess so I would have proof when she denies it to outsiders) Hauled off truck loads of trash and boxed up at least a hundred boxes of stuff. Hauled off ruined furniture soaked in urine and who knows what else. Every time I cleaned I got "I'll try to do better". I just don't think I can do it again. How can I get her to see about things she is capable of doing? I will help her, but I can't give her her medicine every time she's supposed to take it, check her sugar all the time, cook 3 meals a day, keep her from eating tons of junk that makes her sugar go up, clean up behind her all while she sits in chair watching and doing absolutely nothing.

If the house is under both of your names legally, I don't see why your sister should wonder why you moved in. You are part owner. What can your sister and your mom do? Kick you out? Uhm, nooooo. Because you're also part owner. Is the house not big enough for both of you? Or you wanted to have separate living arrangements? With her serious mobility and overweight health issues, I just cannot envision her in a trailer/mobile home. It should be the other way around. You get your privacy in the mobile home and she stays in the house. But that's neither here or there.

What's important is that she should not leave the NH. As you mentioned, she's doing great there because NH has 24/7 workers who are there for your mom. If she moves back, she will rely on you 24/7 {and not really care that you have a job to go to or you would be fired}, etc...

I would start keeping a journal of everything. What you did, time, dates, cost, etc.... Document to protect yourself - just in case sis tries something underhanded. Also, you need to accept that your mother will never change. You know how she is. Do you have POA? Can your mom check herself out of NH on her own cognitive? If yes, what plans do you have for when she comes home? One more question. Was she home when you cleaned out the house and got rid of all her precious collections {junk to us}?

Welcome TTDT. Mom got UTI and sepsis twice, now she is in nursing home. During this time you moved into her house because it was left to you and mom, so you can afford to help her and cleaned out her hoard. You can't quit your job because you cannot afford to.

Sis and mom are talking about your motives? I must admit I probably would be too. What is sisters interest in the property, if any.

It sounds as if it would not be appropriate to bring mom home. She goes to a trailer? You stay in the house?

I must be confused.

I am so glad I found this! My mother went in the NH back in June after being in the hospital for the second time in 9 months with a UTI and sepsis. She is a diabetic and has failed to manage it for at least a decade. She also has serious mobility issues mainly from lack of activity and being overweight. And she's a hoarder. I thought being there would help her see she has to do better. I moved in the house so I could afford to help her since the NH takes all of her income and it was left to both of us by my father. It took me 4 months to clean it and get the stuff out. She had 2 dogs that never went out on top of dealing with the trash and stuff. Plus she didn't even clean up her bathroom. If I would have had a cleaning company come they would have had hazmat suits it was so bad.
My sibling which can do no wrong has been absolutely no help in her care even before she went to the NH. I now deal with her financials, do her laundry, schedule her doctor appointments and take her to them, buy her incontinence supplies, and pay for her phone and anything else that comes up.

When I told her I would move in the house so i could afford to help her i told her if she would continue to improve we would see about getting a small mobile home or build a little apartment on the property. We've only been in the house 2 months and she's complaining that her "apartment" hasn't materialized and I'm living rent free. She ignores that
I kept the power on to keep her dogs cool during the summer until she decided I could give them away, and drove over 60 miles a day for 4 months going to feed them and clean up the hoard. I paid the taxes and ins on the house way before she went to the NH.

At the NH they don't think she can be on her own even next door to me. I don't either because they do most everything for her and know that's what she will expect of me even though she says she will do better. She hasn't made much effort to do better, but with the wonderful care she receives at the NH her health is better. We are not real close, long story, but I'm the one making sure sure is cared for. I can't leave my job to be her maid and caretaker and I know she is capable of doing more she just won't. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I know she and my sibling are discussing my moving in the house and my motives. Either way living next door or in the NH I'm going to be the one helping whether financially if she stays in the home or physically if she doesn't. I don't think i can handle the physical and mental toll of being her caregiver. Just don't know what to do...