The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Thx Becky. I think one has to be very careful with people like that.Trojan horses!
Glad to hear that your eye treatment is progressing and prayers for it to be successful.

FedX is now using this fast ship where they deliver smaller packages to the post office then the mailman delivers them. You certainly can ask the post office to hold those things or rent a PO box if you order a lot of stuff .
Maybe if she turns up again you could have R open the door carrying the most horrendous fire arm he owns and say something like "Just cleaning this bad boy, never know when you will need it"

Golden, How pushy. Mom and I had the same type neighbor in Ohio three winters ago. Although the young man involved had a learning disabilty. We had several incidents where he did things I had not asked him to do. It culminated with him grabbing my SIL in the dark saying she owed him money. She called the police. Some people can't be trusted.

Golden, I haven't followed this thread regularly but saw your post of about 3/4 of an hour ago in my News Feed and had to see what was going on.

I'm appalled at the audacity of this neighbor and her sons. How arrogant! And how infuriating! I've a few similar experiences with a neighbor as well as someone completely unknown who insisted he was going to mow my lawn for pay and became aggressive. I was ready to call the police when he finally left.

I know you're savvy and will find a way to deal with this couple, but I don't think it would hurt to call the local police and be on record that this woman is harassing you.

According to the local newscasters, a problem has developed in a neighboring area because of thieves stealing packages from porches, taking advantage of the holiday deliveries. I've been thinking of asking UPS if they can hold packages and I'll pick them up; it would be safer.

If you don't have any more goods on order, that might not be an issue, but there's an underlying one that's equally unsettling, and that is that this women is apparently pushing herself into your life.

Is she emotionally stable? Do you have any idea why she's being so pushy?

Can you afford to hire a service to clean the walk and pre-empt her? I think there are a few ways to block her, one is issue by issue and the other would be to address the whole issue of her meddling and pushing herself into your life.

sorry -- haven't read back. I am beside myself.

That woman who came to the door with her sons to shovel is being very pushy and comes when I haven't called them. She was pushing to hire R as a guide for her lodge even though she had not met him. We arrived back last night to find they had shovelled the driveway, again unasked. I was expecting some parcels and checked online and they had been delivered Saturday. I had asked my dd to look out for them and she saw nothing. This morning there was a knock on the door and there was the woman with her daughter and my parcels. When I opened the door to get the parcels from her, and left it open while I got money to pay for the shoveling, and then to tell her I did not need her help anymore, she saw R at the table, and she and her daughter came in, uninvited, and she said to R,"I want to hire you for this summer, I want to hire you, I want to hire you..." R who is too diplomatic came over and explained he had other things he was looking at, meanwhile I gave her the money, put my hand on her shoulder and guided her out the door, admittedly none too politely, as I cut her off. She was still telling R when her husband would be back from work so they could interview him, as she went out the door. R was a little shocked at how I handled it, but in my experience you have to give people like that a very firm message and I did.

It is illegal to take someone else's mail. She must have been watching the house to know that we were back. She is a crackpot as far as I am concerned, and I feel a bit weirded out by her behaviour. If she tries any more contact I may have to take steps.

I didn't need this! We have had good neighbours over the years, who helped out once in a while and never were pushy - they just quietly helped and didn't expect anything in return. She isn't even really a neighbour. She lives around the corner and down a few houses and I would normally have no reason to encounter her. Aaaargh!!!

I hope that is not what it is, either. Read about it, and of course ads on tv for a new treatment for it. I need to find a doctor here and figure out what is going on. The pain for the most part is the outside edge of my foot, but seems to be spreading to other areas of the foot. I have had two neuromas surgically removed from that foot as well a an ankle surgery for tarpel tunnel syndrome.

Will try some different socks, clogs work ok through the day though not as well as they used to.

Thank you all.

I am just gutted today. Gutted.

When I woke up, I had this inexplicable desire to read some of my stepmom's poetry about my dad. Started crying as soon as I saw her picture.

Then driving mom around this morning, had to rush to pick up an unexpected Purolator package because they wanted her and her ID, and there's no other time available till Monday, which is the deadline for pickup. Then through Tim Horton's drive thru, then on to drop mom off at RIH in time. She wanted extra Timbits so I said I'd drive around the hospital twice so she could eat them all before the nurses apprehended them (no eating on dialysis). I was talking about my brother and the holidays. Mom says suddenly, "I wish I'd had you younger." "Why?" "So I could have had more time....oh I don't know what I'm saying." Then no time to draw her out or process. Time to go. Ran errands, came back here, snuggled up to kitten, and cried.

Started pulling up songs on YouTube to lull the kitten into sleeping on my chest. Lullaby by the Dixie Chicks ("his" song, lol). Then Summertime. The song my dad sang me to sleep with every night. Cried.

Cried, cried, cried. Crying now. I'm gutted.

I have to get my s*** together right now and go pick mom up. I can't even give her time until the weekend. I am promised to the soap-making adventure one more evening, and then off to visit my friend up north tomorrow and deliver some of the soap to her shop before Christmas, then mom has an extended day at the hospital Friday. I feel guilty now. I feel guilty for not having time for mom during a moment like this. I feel guilty for thinking my stepmom was a better mom and for being a carbon copy of my dad. I feel guilty for not having all the feelings a person should have when their mother says something like that.

I've been to the eye specialist - saw the doctor who does laser surgery. I go back Friday morning to have bleeders cleaned up. I have the kind that grow back. After followup for the laser surgery, they will schedule cataract surgery. They don't know if I'll have further Eylea treatments. Not looking forward to any of it but I'll do what I have to do to keep my vision.

Glad, I've had peripheral neuropathy for 3 years. Started in my toes and has now spread to above my knee. It's painful and comfortable shoes are hard to find. I use ice for pain in the evenings. I wear the compression stockings like Barb suggested. I hope that you don't get this diagnosis.

Re: socks, feet hurting, etc.

I have orthotics, which mostly make most flat shoes unpainful. Recently was advised by my cardiologist to wear 15-20 HG support socks. This has made my feet hurt even less!

Becky, very good they got in today. I hope it is good news for you. I remember how scared I saw when I had the occulsion. It was about 26 years ago now. I prayed so hard I would not grow new vessels which would have bled and I could have gotten glaucoma in that eye. They told me it was caused by a small piece of plaque that broke loose and made its way to the vessel going to the retina.

Glad, I have looked online at the smart wool socks. I will order some after I get paid on Friday. They are pricey, I will get a couple pair to start, I’ll only use them when I’m out running around on errands. Lots of cute designs available too!  I sure hope you don’t have peripheral neuropathy.  Have you seen a dr about it?

Drivin' by to wave HI! Got home after midnight (soap making again). Just finishing a load of mom's laundry because she has no pants to wear tomorrow! Then I am taking my exhausted a** to bed! I did read everything, lol. Big hugs to you all!

Duck, I had an absolutely wonderful therapist. She specialized in caregiver issues and was especially a good sounding board through the crazy dysfunction with the twisteds. I was not making any money, she charged $60.00/hour, sliding scale. I always paid cash if she claimed the income or not, none of my business. She was great, always understood, helped me to learn I would never be able to comprehend why twisteds did the things they did. And who suffered the most? Sadly, my mom and her hubby. My skin was too thick, me too stubborn and willing to give mom the best. Oh, and the therapist? My first meeting of her disclosed she had just met ts1 at some therapist luncheon meeting or something. That actually made it fun, me just fantasizing over what my therapist thought of ts1 from all the wacky stories she had heard from me about my whacked family.😄

Golden, you sure seem to be doing very well. You can see to write and provide your much appreciated feedback and suggestions to so many. And you have been around here so looong! So much experience to share.

Ali, hope the new, New works out well for you.

Hey Sharyn and Golden, you check out those socks yet? They are a bit pricey, but will last for years providing the washer or dryer does not eat them. I am a firm believer that sock manufacturer's make socks so that one disintegrates after being washed a certain number of times.😉

Wondering if I may have peripheral neuropathy. One foot has hurt for years in various shoes. The only shoes that do not hurt, but now starting too, are my Danskos. UFFDA! Must find a doctor here.

Duck, Thanks. Have you tried a bath chair or hand grips on the bathtub. That might help with her fears. I saw a question on here somewhere about getting someone to bathe. My Mom got afraid of the bathtub. But would use the bath chair and a handheld shower spray. It's good for you that your mom  is more responsive to you. When my grandmother quit eating, her daughter's got her to eat the children's squeeze yogurts. My other grandmother would eat cornbread softened with buttermilk. I've tried that myself and it's not too bad.

Golden/Sharyn, I got an email from the eye center. I have to go in tomorrow afternoon. The laser specialist may do his procedure first for the bleeding vessels. Then they will do cataract surgery. Then back to the Eylea treatments. They seem to think this is the best sequence.

Dental implants are in the works. I still have teeth to be pulled. Then all of the implants. My grandmother used to tell me all the maintenance work was worse than getting old. I'm beginning to think she was right.

Hi All, Golden I am glad you are coming along okay.
Becky, sorry to hear about the set backs with your eye care.
Shayrn sorry to hear you have eye condition also.

I am very nearsighted. at one point I was told I was legally blind. I also prefer lots of lights. I am not familiar with a lot of the issues mentioned but I wish you all the best with surgery and recovery. I do know that with these ongoing advances in medicine the recovery and effects are getting better and better in every field.

I came home to find my mother with gown and all her sweaters on legs exposed. Her tremors seemed more prononced with her legs bare. I tried to get her in tub again. Stressed to her not to try and get in there alone. She does not take showers. In anycase I couldnt get her to budge or put on pants. I lotioned her legs which are swollen and ashy and peeling. And left the pants I tried with in her lap. The good thing was her appetite was good. I got her the sausage crossiant from burger king. We used to eat them years ago. Seeing the morning girl working in the evening bought it back to my mind. She ate and enjoyed it. Then she had an iced carrot cake. I came down and caught her giving some to the dog so I dont know how much she ate.

I plead with her to eat and let me bathe her. I didnt want her to see the tears and it seems she listened to me not wanting her to get sick because she put on the pants. I left feeling better but I am still torn as I know it will get worse.
then my son's other grandmother passed a few days ago. Its was sad to hear. She had dementia and was refusing to eat.

The therapy thing was to good to be true. Naturally my butt thought it would be simple. They have to check my job insurance which is nothing really they didnt even remimburse me for a bloodpressure visit and drug test for the job. To pay I would have to pay 163 for initial visit and then 97 for each 1hour of therapy. They have a sliding scale option but i am over the max income. The contact says tthey witll work with me so I am keeping my fingers crossed. she says they take into concideration, debt and bills so I have a chance. I am willing to pay, just to see what its about and how I feel a few times onece the fee is reduced. I never had real therapy maybe something will stick. Maybe they can find a hole and pour what I need in it. (wishful thinking ehh!)

In any case I am still hopeful. Hope is all I really have and faith that everything will work out for the good. Thats when I am not getting hit to hard by life. Sometimes its too many punches to roll with for me. Right now I am good though. Wish you all lthe best. I am signing off for a few days. Try to do somethingwith this convection oven and cook something nice for us on my days off. I put off apts this weeks I need a break. Take care all.

Oh and Dorianne, do what works for you. the man that is represeenting America now is like a bad dream. What happened!! to us. Its never been right but my goodness if I was was outside looking in I'd get upset also. No offense taken by this American. And by the way I know people here are from everywhere but my one visit to Canada was awesome. Took my soon to see Niagra Falls many years ago and then we did a tour what I saw was beautiful. Not to mention all the wonderful nice places and wonders I have heard of in the US.

sharyn - I remember you mentioning that. I think my vision anomaly is due to the bleeding I had too. I am glad the surgery is over. It is a one time deal which is good. Something to cross off my medical "bucket" list! You are a bit away from having it done yet.

becky - surgery may provide a real improvement for now anyway. It certainly has for me. I found it a very easy procedure to go through.

Dental implants are up to date for now, and cataracts are removed - both things I needed done for a while. So glad I am finished with them. I know there will be more of something healthwise at some point, but I am enjoying the hiatus.

We still have a bit of tussling to do with the insurance co. The city has a program to fill in the difference between what the insurance co has paid and what you paid to restore your property. They require an engineering report which we never had, so I need to pursue that. And then the soda incident needs to be followed up on. Yuck!

Take care all!

Golden, Thanks. They called in prescription for pre-cataract surgery and will call with date and instructions tomorrow. We'll see what happens.

Becky, I’m sorry about the eyes. I hope they can to a procedure to stop the bleeding vessels. My right eye has an occlusion from the main vessel feeding the retina. I was fortunate my eye do not grow vessels which would have required laser surgery to remove them. I have permanent vision damage dead center in that eye.

Ali, I’m happy for you this TO seems willing to help you. Hoping they reimburse you too.

Golden, I’m sure you are glad this eye surgery is done. I have heard many good things about cataract surgery. I will have to have it done at some point in time. Mine are at 30% now.

Flurries on and off today, they are so tiny you can only see them on objects like the roof of a car.

Becky -sorry to hear about your eyes. Hope the doc can find a treatment that works. Cataract surgery is very easy really and it does help. So sorry about your cousin and very nice of Jay and you to and friend to reach out. I have no doubt that you will help. Sad task cleaning up. I hope the thieves are dealt with properly by the courts. Do something fun today too, to lift your spirits.

I went for my Eylea shots this am. My specialist said that I had too many leaking blood vessels to do the shots today. He gave me new drops to use and I go back on Friday. I have cataracts, as well as the MD and diabetic retinopathy so he says he might do the cataract surgeries first and then the Eylea treatments. All I know for sure is my eyes are getting worse all of the time.

My brother decided to go to Ohio to help our cousin move up here. His flight left early this am. He is going to drive our cousin and her car back on Thursday. Her friend is going to do the final clean on her house and get the keys to the new owners. It will save her friend having to pay to change her airline reservations. I have doctor appointments set up for her at the end of next week. I've been reading about her kind of metastatic disease, treatments, etc. My knowledge of cancer and treatments is limited to when my Mom had malignant melanoma (she had no complications). I hope that I can be more of a help than a hindrance.

Everyone have a good day. I'm off for a fun day of cleaning up at the caregiver center. The thieves/vandals dumped all of the printed reference materials out on the floor. A mess to clean up for sure.

dori I don't know about being brave. I could lose my driver's license if I don't get it done. Not quite ready for that yet. Frankly dental work is worse, About your mum, I hear you. Just be aware that she may live longer than you think. My mum is 105 and I am 80. I never thought I would still be caregiving at this age. It would be awesome if you could arrange weekends for yourself. Co conspirators sounds good. I hope it lasts. Tell me about wanting a peaceful life. Sigh! Could your dad have put love - self love in the suitcase?

vhelper. I am sorry you are going through this. I don't think there is anything you can do to change them, but you can protect yourself by doing the things that send suggested. I have developed a thick skin when it comes to family members taking bad about me. Many eventually find out the truth, but it may take years and some never do. Ali and Linda wrote well too.

vsb -are you caretaking these relatives? if they have Alz for one thing I would not argue with them. If they are unsafe for you, it is time for another arrangement.

ali a new TO! Awesome - he sounds half decent and much more business like. You ARE making progress on all fronts.

duck - I think there is no hope for a decent relationship with our sisters. I cannot share the care of mother with my sister either - all she does is criticize. So, better to accept that and deal accordingly. I am glad you are getting therapy. I am also glad that you are finally getting some love and acceptance from your mum, even if it is due to the Alz. Good for you relating your concerns to her doctor. Peace and love to you too.

Counting down to returning home. R is doing the final work of this winter for this contract after searching for and finding some special materials.. Another interview is coming up and he is researching for a different contract that came his way. He is also employing his artistic talents making Christmas gifts for his kids. It surely keeps him busy which is good.Thinking we will drive back tomorrow.

My eye is doing well - better every day. The other one seems fine but the dr was concerned. We will see. Then I think of Peter Falk (Colombo) and Sammy Davis Junior (I realise I am dating myself) and know each with a glass eye had a great career, and all I am looking for is reasonable vision to do my stuff, so whatever it is, it is!!!

Have a great day everyone! Do something good for you.

Well all, I might have found a way to keep my mother's combative side directed away from me.

In the spring, I basically stopped her from watching the American news, because I thought it was making her too obsessive and angry. BUT I've recently discovered if I put on MSNBC for her, she directs her anger towards what's going on down there in the US and treats me like her co-conspirator in anger!

This is not a political statement, I swear. I love America and my American friends, and I mostly feel bad that things are in such turmoil right now. But it's just something I've noticed is helping keep me safe. Better she direct her rage-aholism at politicians who have zero bearing on our lives as Canadians, than to direct her rage at me!

Maybe she just needs someone to be mad at? Is that a real thing, do you think? Is it part of having a need for drama, maybe?

I just want a quiet, peaceful life. I swear, that's all I really want.

**********

I had a dream the other night, where I was a teenager and my father gave me something really important (I can't remember what), something I needed, to put in my briefcase. (Yeah, I dreamed I was a teenager with a briefcase.  A beautiful, soft, brown leather one with buckles.) And then I went la-la-la-ing along, meandering down the street, down many streets, looking in windows and poking in shops, humming tunes and such....and then I realized I had forgotten the briefcase somewhere during my travels! And I was trying to decide whether I should go all that great distance back to retrieve it, wondering if it would even still be where I forgot it. In the dream, I knew exactly where I'd left it. 

It's funny, because I've had this dream before, but it never seemed to have any meaning for me until now.

I wonder what he gave me to put in the briefcase? I wonder where I left it?

OneOh my goodness Golden. I started going back reading posts.
You touched on something that has been so heavy in my heart.
That connection with your mother.
The reason I found this site was because of pain from intentional sabattoge and ugliness from my mohter and sister. In the mist ofit all my mother deteriorated. But I still kept trying to do things =keep things right. Every thing I did I got cursed or beat down or harrasssed and sentenced for delusions.

I just wrote an email to my son to the effect that now with my mother, her mind is practiclly gone. I guess the devil cant use her anymore as now it is absolutely clear she is not in her right mind. She has become the sweet loving caring mother I have longed for. I was saying how happy I was to get it even if its in the shadow of dementia. It feels weird and good at the same time. Its saddens me also because its something I have uncounsciously longed for and now I get a taste of it with dementia and knowing she is going downhill. I am gratful. Becuase it wipes away not completely but a lot of the ugly I lived with my mothere.

Now I have a hard time getting her to eat. sometimes she eats on her own which Is a good day to me. Other days I have to spoon feed her and a good day is about five mouthfuls.
Now she wont bathe. I am trying all kinds of tactics.
Then today I find her sitting in staircase. I couldnt get her to move.

I also realize its foolish for me to reach out to mysister. "Can you help me try and get ma in tub one day and wash her hair" I was like it might be the break down of us at least getting together for my mother. But I ran it by the counselor. She was right. I gues thats why I spoke on it. I think in my own way I knew it would be disatersous with a big blow out and more delusions like everything else.

Anyways. I take what I can get just like I always did. I can actually kiss her hello and kiss her when she does something nice?! or sweet!!. like sticking a piece of the breakfast bar in my housecoat secretly. Wow!!. She was never diagnosed. Just like now. My sister has me out the loop of her care. I dont know what meds she is on. Or if she has had a through mental evaluation to see what type or types diagnosis she has that may or maynot be treated. I have come to terms with my limitation and part of coming to terms is accepting that we reap what we sow. She raised us to be just like we are. I could not turn my back on her way back when it was horrible. and I ceratainly cant do it now. I just pray daily for guidance. This is all new, each stage, each developement each step towards deterioration. It would be a lot easier to share this experience with my sister and work it out together. But in reality I can and will do what I can and leave the rest in Gods hands.

I did call and leave my concerns with the Doctor. A few days later there is an ensure on the mantel piece in living room. She needs to be guided to eat. she doesnt know to open a can or look in fridege anymore. She does know crackers and eating out of cereal boxes.

Well I got on my regular long winded roll.
Peace and love to you all.

I miss you all. Rays of light and peace and love as you persevere.

Hi all. I been out of the loop for a good while. Just feeling a little overwhelmed with life right now. As much as I love this site and some or the poster here I just lost some interest. Maybe its depression. Hopeful this new therapy program I am in will get off soon. I hear I am the first referral. Gee! they may make a lot of changes after me!! LOL
I have to catch up.
Ali I am so glad things are finally starting to look up. I admire you perserverance and reserve. Youve been through so much and given so much of yourself. I am always wishing the best for you.

Golden I hope you are fine. Did you finally do the surgery I didnt go back too far reading posts. God Speed.

Vhelper so sorry about your situation. Its sounds very stressful. Can you just get out of there. That was the first and main advice I got from some what I see now were some very wise informative posters. Just my situation was not where I could just do that.
But Vhelper and all other new posters, welcome.
This is a wonderful site. It help save my sanity. There are some truly wonderful, no nonsense people with a wealth of experience, wisdom and understanding. Keep posting and you, there are many pearls of wisdom to be had. There is genuine acceptance and understanding out there.

It surprised me that my pain was not a rarity. That my situation and familial dysfunctions were so common. You touch base with people who have been in your situation who want to help or just give support.
I take what I can use and discard the things that take me back to the dysfunction I am trying to deal with.

Keep posting, keep venting , keep reaching out. check out other threads,. There are some genuinely good beautiful and wise folk on board here who have been through same or similar situation that bring us here.

Thank you, Becky.  

A shining light indeed, Surprise.  I'm thankful but not quite hopeful.  lol

Thanks, Sharyn, I suppose it couldn't hurt to do it that way. I'll send an email to new-new T.O. to ask if they want it notarized. They've spoken with him already and he's verbally acknowledged everything, so this signed letter is for a paper trail for them. It's a discretionary Trust, they can proceed with reimbursement w/o the beneficiary's permission, but this is for their files. I guess.

This guy today, the new T.O., I liked him. He's new with the company, was factual and forthcoming with info, gave me a good rundown of information telling me what to expect to happen going forward. He said he would advocate for my reiumbursement to the Disbursement Board when they meet and I guess I believe him. It's rather a different tune than previous TO, who made me feel like I had no right to even a basic expense stipend while I was spending every week getting my dad through medical hurdles. :-( You know how when a dog gets beat, then it cowers even when hits aren't coming? That's how I've felt when approaching the Trust about anything. I expect them to say things that cause me to second guess myself and my actions, specifically that I technically deserve reimbursement in this case, but this guy didn't make me feel like that. Rather a nice change!!   

I have a lot to be grateful for lately.  It's been a tough transition moving out of the old house, getting some income going, figuring out how to deal with SO MUCH STUFF that came out of either my old life/storage, or out of my grandparents' house they had for 60+ years... but it's getting done... and I'm moving on... and getting reimbursed would feel like the cherry on top of my Moved-On cake.  lol.  :-)  I still have a way to go, my health issues cause me concern, but I'm dealing with it all one thing at a time.  I'm cleaning up so much from the past 6.5 years and I'm breaking even on bills (lol... this is really important to me, of course), and I have opportunity all around me.  I think as I get to feeling better, I'll start putting off a more positive and confident vibe (which has been MIA for a long time), and things will just... get better.  I think so.  Even if I don't get the reimbursement money, I'll be ok, but boy would it help put this all behind me.  :-) 

Ali, you may want to get the document notarized regarding your dad’s signature just so the trust knows it was witnessed.

VSB, you could contact adult protective  services to do a well check. If they determine they are mentally incapacitated, they will have recommendations to follow. Of course you don’t have to accept responsibility unless you have POA on their medical and financial.

VSB, boundaries.