The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Ali, a great shining light has appeared in the form of a new new TO! How exciting- just don't do anymore work for free. What turkeys, but that's the corporate mentality.

VSB,, if they don't live with you, just ignore them, No one says you have to engage. And if you are assaulted, call the police,

I am dealing with combative and dysfunctional Alzheimer’s’s diseased relatives. They throw objects at me, curse at me, show up in strange places and accuse relatives of untrue things. Recently, they accused me of not having any medical problems or leg injury. How do you cope with these combative people? And they like to argue about my medical state.

Ali, I hope the NEW Trust Officer gets your reimbursement paid in full. After all of your hard work you deserve to be reimbursed.

I have a question about combative behaviors. My biological relatives have Alzheimer’s’s. They enjoy destroying property, hitting me, letting strange people into the house, assisting strange people into changing locks, cursing through e-mail, making ridiculous threats, etc. I cannot cope with their delusions. How would you deal? When I have my own medical problems, they accuse me of betrayal and hide objects. They also try to show up in strange places. They also have delusions and state that I am making my leg injury up or faking a medical condition. How would you deal with these delusions?

Having been there with cousins, I can tell you that it's best to do all 6 of Send's suggestions. No matter what you say, they will say "yeah but..." So don't bother explaining anything. Some people just like to stir the pot. I have a cousin who moved in with her dad when her mom passed, not because he needed any help but because it was expected that the daughter should take over cooking, cleaning and such. The nosey nellies love to talk about how she's getting a free ride with no mortgage and shared bills, but I know she'd rather pay her own way and have her own life back.

My current response is '"thanks for your concern, but we've got this".

Vhelper, uncooperative and untrusting siblings aren't uncommon, unfortunately. If your sisters are going to speculate that you have nefarious motives for caring for your mom, AND they're not going to be helpful in her care, either... what can you really do besides ignore them and carry on with the care? If you think they have it in them to call APS regarding suspected financial abuse or other imagined situation, just make sure you are keeping good records of everything.

Do you want to share more about what it is your sisters are saying about you? Whatever it is, it's been experienced by others, and there are ways you can help protect yourself and your mom from interference from misunderstanding siblings.

Just had a call with NEW NEW Trust Officer, not to be confused with new Trust Officer. There's a new guy handing my grandmother/father's Trust, and we talked just now. He wants me to get a simple document from my dad to say that my dad is aware of the request for reimbursement and approves of it. Ok, no big deal, I can get such a document signed when I see him at Christmas time in a couple of weeks.

There's still no guarantee I will get reimbursed but... whatever. I've stopped caring so much whether I do or don't get reimbursed, so that's good. I was REALLY hoping the bank would do the right thing, as I see it, but meh. Oh, who am I kidding...??  Of course I hope they reimburse me!!! Sounds like there will be a meeting (again) in January to discuss my reimbursement. Sheesh, you would think it was their money involved. Wait, they paid a high priced Chicago law firm to file eviction against my dad in 2012, so no, they definitely do act like it isn't their money... sigh.

I'll be glad to put this mess behind me. I'm 99% of the way there. :-)

What can you say?
1) "If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem."
2) You can stop speaking to them.
3) You can stop explaining to them.
4) You can stop accommodating them.
5) You can stop trying to please them.
6) You can ignore them.

7)  You can say:  "I am going to need a full investigation of the false accusations you have made against me".

What can you say to that sisters and their family who have not helped with Moms care and continue to talk bad about you and reasons you are caring for Mom?

Oh I meant to add, the problem with the meds is mom doesn't answer the door or phone if she's not awake and in the living room. (The door buzzer is through the phone.) So I'm not quite sure what to do with that. I'm thinking if I can find a way of getting her up without having to come over, I could at least have my weekends back at my home....I could go home Friday when home support comes and come back Monday morning to take her to dialysis. I'd LOVE to be able to go away for a weekend again. One of my closest friends lives an hour an a half north since she re-married, and I haven't seen her since I started staying here.

Ali - I'm glad to read you are sleeping a bit better!

stacey - your decorating scheme sounds exciting and wonderful! I LOVE those colours! I might be inclined to toss a wee bit of purple in there too, but that's me....lol. It's worth living with less furniture till you find the "right" thing, I think that's a good philosophy to have.

golden - I think you are so BRAVE for undergoing eye surgery. Maybe it's just that I have terror issues around that, but I do admire anyone who can go through it voluntarily.

As for my mom.....I am honestly not convinced she has much longer left in the world. That's how I ended up staying here. It's not the dementia, it's the end stage renal disease. She has already been on dialysis for 4 years, and the prognosis isn't good. (In general, life expectancy on dialysis averages 2-4 years for people over 70.) The renal team has already talked to us about choosing to end dialysis, and the social worker spoke to me privately about making that decision myself when her dementia is too bad for her to make it. Mom has a DNR and I have shared POA with my brother. For all our problems of the past, he will support me in the decision when the time comes - of that I have no doubt.

So.....I guess I still think I can "tough it out." Things have leveled off here from the high conflict stuff we were going through last month. Mainly because I am faking my way through solicitousness! But also I've been making a greater effort to spend more time with my friends and do some better self-care. And....honestly, as much as her behaviour now is reminiscent of her drinking behaviour, the difference this time is I'm not an isolated kid with no supports or personal power. In a perverse way, I'm almost glad to have seen this ugly side of her again, with all the knowledge I have as an adult. Because now I get to pull my dad's memory out of its cage and think of him in a whole new light. It's actually kind of liberating. I tear up a lot, but that's not necessarily a bad thing....

Stacey, are these pictures mainly for your colour pops, then? Or to gaze at when the conversation lulls and there's nothing on telly?

There's nothing wrong with putting up a top notch framed print while you decide if you like a style enough to spend serious money on it.

David Hockney is still going strong, Ali, may he live forever - and using an iPad to great effect. I do like an artist who's ready to tell government ministers that they're boring, on national radio.

Hey, I learned who Edward Hopper and David Hockney are, thanks to the arty smarties in this crowd lol. I like the brilliant colors of David Hockney. That's an interesting style. I like Hopper, too. Very nice, both of them.

Golden, I'm very happy for you that you had that moment with your mother. I hope your eyes are healing up well and nothing more comes up.

I'm sleeping better, no horrible times with the adrenaline surges in past few days. Maybe melatonin is working?? I've read that I'm not supposed to take "too much," but I get it that too much of anything isn't good. I'm tired but I'm sleeping at least!!

On that note, good night all. Hope you had/have a great day.

book, yes, a moment to be cherished

cm - love Edward Hopper.

branching, no deal, indeed!

sharyn, my father always showed it. Mother not so much, in fact very little. Parades are fun with little kids. I remember the cold feet. As kids we sprinkled our socks with pepper when we went skating to keep our feet warm.

glad - those sound like great socks. Keeping my feet warm makes a huge difference. I have a pair of fleecy bootie type slippers which do the trick at home.

stacey - you are having a decoration marathon. Sounds lovely!!! Healing well, but for some reason I am feeling irritable. I better get my thyroid checked.

Hope everyone has a good night. I am trusting they find nothing to be concerned about tomorrow at the eye dr. though I probably won't hear about it for a couple of weeks.

David Hockney.

CM, thank you for that suggestion, and I did look him up and realised that I am familiar with some of his work. I do find his artwork interesting, but cannot see any of it on my walls for any great length of time though. I am thinking florals, trees, and landscapes in the blue, teal turquoise colors. Its hard (and expensive!) to pick out art that could be on your walls for years at a time!

SharynM, glad you are getting out with your kids and Grandies to see the Christmas lights and doing fun activities! Its always fun to see Christmas through a child's eyes.

Golden, hope you are continuing to heal up well post op, and feeling good too!

My get up and go has got up and went! Its very clear and cold there in the PNW, but no snow yet. So Beautiful!

Have a great day everyone!

Glad, thanks, I will look for those socks! I have a pair of Skechers ankle boots with faux fur lining on order. The socks will be a boost!

No snow to speak of here yet. Sharyn, you need to check into some SmartWool socks! I love them, very warm and all kinds of interesting/fun patterns on them. I probably have a dozen pair of them, knee highs and ankle. And get some warmer shoes. When my feet get cold my whole body gets cold. Warms shoes and socks will help plenty.

Golden, what a great moment between you and your mother. Somewhere within our narc parents the love is there, it’s just not visible most of the time.
I’m glad your surgery went well. Speedy recovery.

Stacey, your home sounds so lovely. You and your hubs can relax and enjoy the newness of your home together now. My sil’s uncle sent my dd a picture text of our old house in California. It is up for sale now after the renovations they did on the inside. It looks nice!

Busy day yesterday, dd and I went Christmas shopping while hubs watched the boys. Got home by 2 after we had lunch. I was too full to want dinner and by 6, dd and I went to our local twilight Christmas parade with the boys. Boy was it cold! The parade was only 20 minutes long (small town), the boys had a blast, just about every entry in the parade threw out candy to the bystanders. I’m glad it only lasted 20 minutes, my feet were freezing! No sign of snow for us yet. I think it is going to be a normal snow fall here even though people keep saying it will be like last year, it was a La Niña last year. California sure could use the rain this year for all the fires.

Bookluvr, every other day I have some bright idea that would Solve All the Problems and poa was one of those. Yeah, sure... in a land of rainbows and ice cream sprinkles where everyone's respectful and happy. lol. In reality, it would be WWIII, IV, V and VI.
A long time ago, when my parents started having serious medical issues, I asked them if I could move there and take care of them. It could have been an easy transition because my dH's company was reorganizing The answer was an adamant NO! They were both of sound mind and we were all getting along fine.
Maybe they thought someone else would step up. I get it that now maybe they take those offers as some kind of standing offer, but it wouldn't work for *US* now. And at this point, it is clear that should I agree to be caregiver, to the family that means I take orders, act as a subordinate, do the work, and have no power over Anything while everyone gripes at me. No Deal.

Edward Hopper, Stacey. Have a look at him.

Moment to treasure, Golden. Look after yourself.

Branchingout, I kind of cringed when I gave you that advice about wanting POA. I felt like I was being a hypocrite but I knew I had to mention it - just in case you wanted to be POA. I have never ever wanted to have POA for either of my parents. Do I regret that decision after the fact? No. I still shudder at the thought of having POA.

Golden, I was so touched with the strong emotional connection you and your mom had. It's something to cherish forever. {{Hugs}}

Goodnight Glad!😈

Quiet here tonight. Night all.🌛

Golden, So happy that your 2nd eye surgery has gone well so far! Hope you're taking it easy! Soon your vision will be that of a kid again! I personally wear contacts, and without them I'm blind as a bat! I would love to have lasix surgery, and may someday still. I've bee told that my lenses are nice and thick, and that I'm a great candidate, so we'll see.

At this point, my hubby has been very generous giving me free licence on spending loads of money on home reno's, and with Christmas upon us, I dare not push him too much, Lol, both of us need to see the dentist here soon, so we'll see if we have any big expenditures there in the near future. I recently cracked a back molar chewing ice, which is a bad habit I've got, so I've curbed that now, gotta hold onto my teeth! Yikes!mm ?

We've still loads to square away here, putting things back, pictures back up on the freshly painted walls. I got rid of a sideboard, and 2 large oak cabinets, plus 3 end tables, intending to replace them with new furnishings, but not before the holidays, as I really wish to think these purchases through, and not jump into anything too quickly. Trying to buy smart, and not regret it later, and there's no hurry, but now I don't have anywhere to put back my many chotskis, plus rethinking my decorating scheme, going with a new look, but what the heck to do with 30 plus years of decorative stuff, and I mean a Lot! Still Trying to pare down, but it's so hard as may things are special to me!

I used to decorate using a lot of Burgundy and gold colors, jewel tones, but now I'm wanting a more modern look, greys, teal, turquoise, silver and black, 'marine coastal" I believe they call it, Pop's of Color. I hope I'll like it when its all done! Gone will be my " Grandma's Cottage look, Lol, though I still Love that look too! Problem is, we have huge expansive wall in our living room, tall ceilings, 2 dome high windows, which are great and bring in a lot of light, but those big walls are expensive to fill up! Thankfully there are loss of options out there, So I will take my time, and do it right, still its difficult for me to live in a "unfinished' environment as it seems so bare, so my spare bedrooms continues to be a storage rooms full of 30 years of knic-nacks, and collectables until I figure out what to do with it all.

Many Years ago we went to a couple of those "Starving Artist" sales, you know the ones that go around on a circuit, hotel to hotel, anyways we bought 4 huge gorgeous oil painting's (wall fillers) all in gold gilt frames, English cottage's, a thatched roof, rivers, English countryside, and 2 I'll definably keep, but need to change out 3 to incorporate my new color scheme. Fave sister wants the other 2, so I'll still enjoy them at her place!

Golden, I'm very excited for you, looking into he Condos, and contemplating a move further South. Funny that it was me who was thinking about selling up, and buying a Condo a few months ago, and now it is you! Our intention now to stay put, at least for a couple of years, the housing market prices permitting. I suppose that should the market skyrocket or some crazy thing, we would join in and ride that wave, but it is very difficult to predict now isn't it?

Hubby and I bought our first house during an upswing in the market, but thankfully prices continued to rise and we made a good profit 4 years later, then bought this house during a downturn, and at today's prices, have more than doubled our money, trouble is, we would still need to purchase a home at equally inflated prices, especially if we wanted to stay local to our 4 kids, and my family. We could do pretty well, if we were to move 40 of 50 miles North of us, but traffic would be a headache, but that is what my eldest brother did, and they Love the peace and quiet, a ways out from the city. Who knows what the future will bring, for now we are still adjusting to our new normal, and enjoying our renovating projects.

Well Dearie, glad your Mom is doing well, and that you had a nice connection with her! So Sweet, I Loved reading about your visit with her! Those soul connections are special indeed! I was Lucky enough to have some of those in the final months with All of our parents, and they mean so much and do give us good memories to hold onto! You take care now, Love, Stace

book - :) Surgery went well. The idea was a condo and a cabin to allow for everyone's needs. I think we have some good options.

branching - I agree with ali that there does not seem to be a fix in your situation other than following up re the Hipaa, I am not sure what your goal is here. I think you are wise not to seek the involvement of POA or guardianship. One goal I suggest is finding ways to keep your stress level down as this all plays out. Sounds like lots of dysfunction and we have to protect ourselves. Venting here sure helps.

Dori I am glad you are planning on spending more time at home. Have you researched the local resources -Agency for Aging for example, or her pcp to see if there is any home help for your mum? Even if someone else could do the daily pills it would take a load off of you. You need to look ahead, as mum will need more and more care and I don't think it is in your best interests to take on more and more. Your mum has Alz, and she will get worse and worse, and eventually require 24/7 care. Look after you!

Ali hope you are getting better sleep. I think stress is a big part of it. I know it is for me.

sharyn - I think of you when I see news of the Cali fires. So sad. Hope the new job is going well.

Went back for the surgery check up early this morning and I mentioned something about my other eye, and he wants me back in on Monday for tests - I think the same as I had a couple of months ago for the mac degen caused by the old bleed which showed nothing new. Apparently my vision in that eye is very good according the most recent optometrist's assessment, so I am not too worried. I will try to arrange a couple of more condo viewings tomorrow night and hopefully Monday will go well and we can head back soon. My new left lens is in the store, so I will get that replaced asap once we are home.

A little cameo:

We went to see mother after the case meeting and she was in bed just waking up from her afternoon nap. She couldn't hear much, so all I could do was hold her hand, kiss her forehead, and tell her I loved her. SeveraL times she said, "Thank you for coming." Then we gazed at one another, as I bent over her bed, and a very slow, small smile crept over her face. She squeezed my hand a few times, and gazed into my soul, and love flowed between us. I have known that the love was there all these years, despite the huge and painful dysfunction of the BPD. It was good to feel it once again, as I have a very few times.

Branching, it's fine to use this thread, or any AC thread imo, to simply vent frustration with your parents' situation. I understand your concern for privacy and it's my opinion you can share enough to get some input related to your circumstances and still maintain your privacy. Sendhelp posted some tips about maintaining privacy just a few posts ago. Do what you need to do to feel comfortable posting here.

Based on what you've said, there likely isn't much you can actually DO to improve your parents' situation. However, they are not in crisis mode at this time - again, imo, and based on what you posted - and they are getting support and input from other siblings, which is great, even if you feel that other sibs may not see how bad things have progressed.  It's a worrying time for you, I'm sure.  I'm sorry for that.  Things can get very tough on children of aging parents, taking a toll on our mental wellbeing.  Dysfunctional patterns with family only make things that much worse.  Stick around and get support that you need.  

ETA:  Not trying to sound bossy, Branching, just wanting to offer some supportive thoughts.  There really isn't a "fix" to your current situation imo, as you've described, but the worry can take a toll on you.  If venting is best you can do, it's still something to help you through this time.  :-)