Follow
Share
Read More

34K Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
240 241 242 243 244
AliBB, mom told me during a discussion about Hipaa release that her and dad are each other's poa. Because of her confusion, I don't know if that's true. I told her that I don't want poa, just hipaa release. She does not remember (I think) that they have a will naming the local sibs as poa's for financial and medical. I don't know if it's a living trust, or just a will.
That was a long time ago. I don't know how any of it stands now - there have been feuds. This year, the siblings are deferring to one who is not local but acts "in charge" and has historically acted that way. I suspect that one has no legal power at all but does have emotional control over the parents.
Bookluvr, I do not want and will not seek poa or guardianship. It would be me against all the rest.
dM said she was willing to sign a hipaa form for one particular dr so I could have the medical info, but never followed through with that. Historically, I am the last to find out anything and have discovered a few times that there was serious medical history about other family that I should have reported to my own drs, but was never told earlier.
What I've been watching from afar - a lot of things being magically taken care of now after years of neglect that have to do with the property. It looks how it looks and they are getting things ready to sell. This is getting taken care of, but no one has time to take care of appointments with dM.
Sigh... I find it very difficult to describe this stuff w/o putting identifier type details into it and if I don't answer q's it's because I don't want to be identified online. Just another insidious aspect of dysfunction - being unable to tell the story in plain language because it is better for ME not to experience RAGE from family members. The truth is like poison to these dynamics with them. Ugh.
Anyway, thanks for your help.
(4)
Report
Glad your surgery went well, golden! Been thinking of you all day!

Branchingout - I've only been on this thread a couple of weeks or so, and I read backwards for a dozen pages, but I couldn't manage more. I wouldn't worry about that.

Soooo....I've been thinking about how I need SPACE from mom, especially now I'm figuring out my s*** with family history. The friend subletting my apartment found a job out of town, so he's not going to be in my place in the New Year. I don't think I'll sublet it again. I NEED to be in my own home, at least sometimes. It's going to be tricky with 2 cats to transport back and forth and mom's dialysis schedule (Monday, Wednesday, Friday), but I'm going to figure something out. I don't even see the point in me being here half the time. The day after dialysis she sleeps almost the entire day, sometimes doesn't get up at all, except to use the bathroom and eat crackers or cottage cheese. On Tuesday I had to wake her up just to take her meds.

Not sure how I'm going to work the schedule yet, but the cats should be the easy part. I might have to buy more bedding so I don't have to drag all my blankets and pillows around (I brought them here instead of buying new ones). All my stuff is going to be an issue to manage - clothes, toiletries, everything. I've got to be here at least once a day to make mom do meds, and then there are chores and bills and stuff that she never does.  I can't just slam through it all in a random evening once or twice a week. 

Anyway, I don't know how I'm going to work it, but I KNOW I have to spend some time at home. Even just to remind myself that I do have that one safe place in the world....
(5)
Report
One more... to Sharyn and the mooing cows. I read Send's comment about it lowing. I stared at lowing vs mooing. I like mooing so much better because I can actually hear it 'mooooo' ing! ... But then again, I spell the word 'aunty'. But most people here, including my family, spells it as 'auntie.' .... I checked google definition... Mooing, lowing, aunty, auntie are just fine to use. Whew... Oh look, the cow is lowing. .. And I would look at the cow, waiting for it to lower itself to the ground. English language can be so confusing if you don't understand that lowing is also mooing. =)
(5)
Report
Golden, I rarely comment to you when you post. Actually, I do that to a lot of people here. I just like to read everyone's posts. I thought a condo sounds nice - no maintenance required by you. Then R - who is an outdoor person - then that cabin sounds nice .. except when it's winter time.... Then you mentioned the community place. That even sounds nice, too... Boy, I don't want to be in your shoes trying to figure out where to live!

Also, I hope your surgery is successful.
(5)
Report
Hi Branchingout, sounds like it's going to get worse with the parents. Do you want to get POA? Your mom sounds like a controller. I don't think she would be willing to give you this. I'm wondering if you might try POA for your father. Approach him rationally. I'd read up everything about POA before doing this. Learn the different kinds so that you explain to him very simply and factually (not emotionally) WHY it's important he has POA.

My dad refused POA because his brother gave his wife POA. When he was seriously sick, his wife used the POA to spend extravagantly, out on the town, etc... My dad refused to have anyone to have that kind of power over him.

Your dad might also have this fear. And I wouldn't blame him, either! It's very important to allay his fears with facts and calmness. Of course, your mom might come along and derail all this, telling him not to trust you, etc.... But at least you tried, right?

If you click on those 3 lines on the top left, you can do a search on POA. Below is one that I found to start you off....

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/difference-between-poa-durable-power-of-attorney-living-will-140435.htm
(4)
Report
welcome branching -hard when family members don't cooperate.

thx all I am fine. Surgery went well. I slept in the car on the way back and again at the hotel when we got back.

Signed with a realtor re the cottage lot who had a family member I used to know up north years ago, He has since died but I got his widow's phone number.

We saw 2 condos and were impressed with one. There is one more we want to see and 2 town houses. The young realtor who showed us the condos is a very nice guy and we will stay with him. One town house is in a seniors "village" which has a good feeling.This unit even has a stairmaster going to the basement and a walk in tub there.

We did very well with another appointment, so have some good resource people here.

R is finishing up what he can do with one project this winter and researching another one a neighbour wants done, which will be quite interesting. No job so far.but he enjoys doing these projects.

Time to crash again Nite all
(10)
Report
Golden, hope all went well. Thinking of you.
(3)
Report
For newer posters, if you want to block people from unwanted personal contact, go to
EDIT ACCOUNT, then to EDIT PROFILE: Adjust your privacy settings:

+Follow: Allows other members to bookmark you and view your comments and answers.

Message Board: Allows other members to view public messages sent to you.

Receive Messages: Allows other members to send you public messages.

Answers: Allows other members to view the questions you have answered.

Play around with your privacy settings until it works for you.

Keeping in mind, that no one can post a private message on your wall unless you click on RECEIVE MESSAGES.
(3)
Report
Aslaug speaks from beyond the grave, "All I want is safe passage", as she is murdered by Lagertha.
That is all anyone wants on the whine thread and the dysfunctional thread.
(5)
Report
Hi Branchingout, don't bother reading back the 27k comments, unless you want to, and just jump in. "Get in where you fit in" around here. ;-)

Is your mom against giving DPOA to someone? Or has it just not gotten done yet? You say no one has it but then her husband, your dad, is the one that has it? But he doesn't see any problems with her actions... and you think that's because he's also slipping into dementia issues.

I think you're right, and all you can do at this stage is make suggestions and hope for the best.

Glad, I take the Zzzquil sometimes but the diphenhydramine can make me feel groggy the next day, too. I'm trying to find something that allows me to get to sleep but wake up rested, not groggy. We'll see if these melatonin melts help anything.

Golden, hope surgery went well and you're resting up.
(5)
Report
Hello everyone, I'm fairly new here. I've read a lot of comments on AC now and some of your posts have helped me believe what is happening in my dysfunctional family is Real. That's my sticking point in detachment. I just can't believe my family members are really acting this way.
My mom has gone rogue and fired her doctor(without telling him - he had to figure that out from the request for records from the new dr), causing her to lose the minimal medicare home care she was receiving and has chosen a doctor not affiliated with the expert (oncology) facilities in the area. She has also skipped appointments for further dementia tests, and now says she doesn't think she needs to see the cardiologist, because 'nothing has changed'. She has chf. (I think she missed her appt for that this week too) This after a serious illness, visit to e.r., etc.
This is the fruit of the rest of the family telling her they don't like the dr and her being mad at his nurse when she was still in delirium from an infection. So after some thought last night, I decided to check on her this morning (by phone) and told her to just keep in mind that there's another affiliated medical center across town if she has trouble with the new doctor. I am so tired of the poor choices, but no one has poa yet, her and dad (who I think also has some kind of dementia) have each other's with the local family in line after that. I can do nothing but make suggestions.
I'm sorry I haven't read most of the 27,000 comments here! ; \
(5)
Report
So, I got locked out of my account last night and it was terrible!

Just a quick drive-by wave, as I've got to take mom to dialysis shortly. Big hugs to anyone who needs one today!
(5)
Report
Ali, I know I have told all before about zquil, works wonders for me. Another thing that works well for me is half a peanut butter sandwich and a glass of milk. 😁

Hope your surgery goes well today, Golden.
(3)
Report
Send, meltdowns are real with Autism. Hard enough with a child, can’t imagine dealing with an adult.
(5)
Report
There's a lot of trauma with everyone who posts in this thread.  We both seek and give a lot of trust and support here.  I know we all benefit from keeping this a safe space.

Hey all, well I hate that I'm obsessed with my sleep or lack of lately, but it's definitely controlling my life. If I could sleep a set 8 hours on schedule each night, and feel rested after that, I would double my productivity. I was able to sleep after 2 Valium last night but then I had to sleep late, and got very little done during the day. Still, it was a good enough of a day, and I'm grateful.

I want to churn out my Christmas cards but it's midnight, so it will wait one more day. I took 3mg Melatonin and I'm hoping to sleep. :-D Good night! Hope everyone had a good day, and take care.
(5)
Report
Upset, yes you trigger terrible memories of ts1. And it does not hurt, I just shake my head at all that happened over the four years that I cared for my mom and L. You don't know this, but I also lost my best friend, we had been together for about 12 years. TS1 did not believe that he had passed and even had the gall to call his brother , who she had never met or even talked to, a US district court judge to find out if it was true. Made her feel important, I guess. Anything for her to make her feel involved, caring and helping others. She actually thought this was her business. She has serious issues and needs therapy herself. She didn't even believe my mom was as sick as she was. Then blamed me for her not wanting to see or visit mom, because I was there.

It is nothing that you specifically said or did, just my own baggage, I guess. Sorry if I hurt you, certainly was not my intent.
(7)
Report
Upsetsister - I tried reading back in the thread again, 'cos I feel I missed something somewhere the first time! But I do hope you'll stick around. I have found your input soooo valuable. You see things with more than one "lens" and that's really helpful. BUT....if you feel the need for a break or something, I wouldn't want you to feel pushed into sticking around. Just know that I appreciate you very much! Also I understand the stress of what you're going thru with the break-in. I worked in a non-profit org. for 11 years, and we had 2 break-ins in that time. We could ill-afford to lose anything, and it just felt really violating. I hope there's a special place in hell those who pick on places like community service agencies.

golden - just a note, in case I don't make it back in here today, that I wish you lots of luck for your surgery tomorrow! I will be thinking of you!

Thanks everyone for your input on the mom situation last night. It seems like such a weird, little thing in retrospect, but....I think it's the constant build-up of ever-changing moods and unpredictability that gets me so riled up. And the triggers from childhood....I remember when mom was drinking, I never knew which was worse: the mean and nasty side of her, the pathetic feeling-sorry-for-herself/refusing-to-take-responsibility-for-changing side of her, or the lovey-dovey let-me-get-all-up-in-your-space side. To this day, I cannot spend time around drunks.

I think sometimes I come off as a cold person, but it's really just that I don't want to risk letting anyone ooze past my boundaries anymore. I try to be open to new people, but if new people break my trust, I just cut them off. Which IS kinda cold, I guess. It's just self-protection, though.
(8)
Report
upset - please stay. I don't think there was anything personal in the comment.You are going through a lot - more betrayal by family and also by the caregivers. I think that asking for money is just horrible - by both the caregivers and the caretakers of the girls. Obviously money will not solve the problems of the caregivers. That letter from the caregivers must have been quite a blow. I trust there were some who appreciate the services they got. I can understand female staff not feeling safe after the break in.
Somehow I am not surprised that the family of the girls wanted money and respite. It is not your job, not at all and I am so glad that Jay found out about it before it got any further.

ali - hope you get your physical issues sorted out. Adrenaline surges can't be fun.

dori - hope you figure out something with mum and meds.

lack of sleep is the pits. I struggle with it often too. Wish I had a solution.

The case meeting went well yesterday. No big changes except they will try stopping the risperidone. It may make her more alert and want to join in. Also they will increase mother's pain meds a little as pain is her most common reason for not engaging in activities. She is going to activities once or twice a week. A little more would be good. She occasionally feeds herself, but mostly they feed her. However, her appetite is great still and she eats her plateful and more sometimes. I know once her appetite is gone that she will be on her final decline. Another hearing aid bit the dust. This time on the dining room floor. I guess they aren't putting them in properly or something. She has worn them for years without problems. I need to follow up in that.

IWe have a couple of apptmts later today and will look at two or three condos. One has sold and one is taken off the market as they have a long term renter. One step at a time!
(7)
Report
Upser, I so hope that you'll give us the benefit of your caregiving experiences as well as your professional perspective on other threads.
(6)
Report
(((Upset))) "No good deed goes unpunished." I've felt that way often enough in my own life, but it's a bad feeling. I can't relate to why someone would want a little bit of money more than they want to have continued services given to their community. That's not something I understand.

I hope you continue to share here. So much about your experiences relate to dysfunctional families and how they interact. You're needed here. I hope you stay. You've had a lot thrown at you lately, so if you need a day or two (or three) to let things settle in, to take time to focus on yourself and take care of yourself, please do that. This thread will still be here, open to you, always. (((((hugs)))))
(9)
Report
Upset..those caregivers actually have the nerve to tell you to give them the money instead of using it for the center?? Talk about having a Sense of Entitlement! ... It reminded me so much of adult children asking their elderly parents to give them their inheritance now instead of waiting until they die. Well, it shows that perhaps they’re not really interested in attending caregiving support.

There’s really no need to avoid this thread. And no need to apologize for being a therapist. I’ve had my 1st therapist loudly confirmed to me repeatedly that my family didn’t love me. OMG! I was attending my 1st therapy because I was seriously suicidal! I don’t know if he was using reverse psychology, but now it’s very hard for me to Not believe that they don’t love me... My 2nd therapist kept forgetting our appointments until I text her asking how late she’s going to be. Sometimes, she was an hour late... I’ve decided therapy is just not for me. But my fave sister had a successful therapy. So I know that therapists are different. I just had the bad luck choosing them.
(4)
Report
Upset, do not leave this thread. You are taking the comment too much to heart.  It was not meant as an offense.  
(3)
Report
I met with staff this am. Most of the female employees do not feel safe after the break-in. Their other comment was they feel they are being used by the caregivers. In addition, a letter was delivered to me this morning. It was signed by 13 of the caregivers. In essence, they said that if I really wanted to help, I should give them the money, instead of wasting it on the center. I ended the meeting. I told everyone to come back at 2:00 and I would have final checks ready with their current payroll, accumulated paid time off and two weeks severance. PJ is going to complete his group session as scheduled. I guess this was a good idea that just didn't work. Or maybe a bad idea and I wasn't smart enough to see. I guess my next few weeks will be getting things packed up and repairs made to the building.

My brother called me last night. He found out the real reason for the visit this weekend is that the children's guardians are looking for financial support short and long term and also 6 weeks of respite care each year. I called them and cancelled the visit. I told them not to call me further and that I had no financial obligation. 

I will no longer be posting on this thread. After last evenings revelation that I trigger adverse feelings  for another poster,  I believe the appropriate decision is to leave. I do not want to be the cause of someone else's upset.

Thank you for all of the support I've been given over the last year.  Again, I am sorry for any upset that I have caused. It certainly was not my intention.
(5)
Report
I think the doc would listen if I can get my mother there, Barb. She has repeatedly refused to go to the GP a number of times for a number of things.  I might have to make the appointment and tell mom we're going somewhere else....

Edit:  no, it didn't resolve the sleepiness.  Nothing has really resolved that, I think it's just the kidney disease.  Mom didn't get up AT ALL yesterday. 
(2)
Report
I think I'm gonna try to get some sleep....wish me luck. Lol.

Thanks for listening and responding, you guys.  I appreciate you all so much.  Big hugs!
(4)
Report
Aha; no, that's not a roadblock, not of YOUR making, anyway.

Will her doctor listen to your input about this? Did her sleepiness resolve with the reduction of the Zoloft? Maybe a bump up to 7.5?
(2)
Report
It's about a year long waiting list to get into a psychiatrist in these parts. I think that's why prescriptions are so prevalent. I know because I asked to see one a few years ago when I was going through some bad anxiety, and I had a scrip shoved at me "in the meantime." All I wanted was to work out my stuff about my stepmother dying, and also a person in my friend circle turned out to be a pedophile and that was weird and ugly. (Fortunately, finding out a friend is a pedophile turns out to be a free pass to see a sexual assault counselor at no cost, and she was FANTASTIC.)

We have a doctor shortage in general outside the big cities in Canada. There are 30,000 people in my town who can't even get a GP.

Not meaning to throw up roadblocks, 'cause I think y'all are right in that her meds need to be adjusted. Just got to figure out how to make that happen.
(3)
Report
Well, can there be a psychiatrist?

In my mom's journey through vascular dementia (and earlier, with Mild Cognitive Impairment, it was the psychiatrists who saw the "whole person" and not just that her blood work looked good. It was the first geri psych who told us that mom wasn't ready for Assisted Living, just needed a good Independent Living environment where there were people around, and us to manage meds.

It was the second geri psych who started to actually manage mom's anxiety with carefully prescribed meds, to "get ahead" of the anxiety, and who pushed me to get mom a neuropsych evaluation. Which led to the dx and which showed the rest of the family that what was going on with mom wasn't "something she's doing to herself"--my brother's term.

It was the third set of geripsychs at the rehab and the NH who got mom on antidepressants and who managed her increasing dementia-related anxiety as her mind grew dimmer.

I would not still be sane if it weren't for these wonderful folks. I hope you can find one.
(4)
Report
There was never a psychiatrist, Barb. There was that 10 question questionnaire the GP gives out and then BAM! Prescription. Seems to be how it works a lot of the time.
(3)
Report
Maybe mom needs a little "medical cannabis" herself.
(2)
Report

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter