The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I think you need to have a talk with her prescribing psychiatrist. She may need an adjustment in medication; more, different, or an add-on.

She might be projecting, though. That's probably a good call.

Countrymouse, she is already on Zoloft. She has been for 20 years. Though the doctor reduced it from 10 mg to 5 last fall because mom was sleeping all the time. Maybe it needs to go back up, though?

Dorianne I think it might be time to reach for the Citalopram - for your mother, not you. She's projecting, isn't she? And this kind of text book acute depression is classic in vascular dementia, not sure if that applies to your mother.

Am I a heinous person that I am looking forward to my orphanhood?

That was rhetorical.

Maybe.

Last night I had one of those nights where weird dreams kept waking me up. You know how you have to get up for a bit to shake it off? Yeah. So I was tired today. So after I brought mom back from dialysis I crashed for 3 hours. Now I am up, it's 3 am.

Mom came in here (my "office") a half hour ago, she's wide awake too. She asked me if I wanted to have some friends over. I said, best guy friend was here last night but you slept through it. Then she started launching into this thing where she's apparently "sensing this overwhelming sadness" in me and won't shut up about it, no matter what I say!!!! Won't leave me alone. She is convinced I have this overwhelming sadness. And oh the cat, she says the cat seems sooooo sad, there is just this overwhelming sadness she senses in her, too. 

Three minutes later she doesn't even believe it's December or that she's been here for more than a few months. Um.

The cat might indeed be sad because she misses our home and now there's a kitten to compete for my attention, but the cat has also been the way she is for all 13 years of her life.

I'm not sad. I am many things, but I am not sad. I am angry at mom a lot, and trying to supress it so I don't set her off. I am bored as h*** because I'm stuck here being a caregiver and there's not very much to do all day once the chores are done, except play with cats and go online. I'm frustrated and writing letters because my backwater city council is trying to shut down the medical cannabis dispensaries via zoning and licensing, even though medical cannabis is legal and recreational cannabis will be legal in Canada next year, and I have friends who rely on medical cannabis. So I'm POed about that and this week, I'm speaking up about medical cannabis for the first time in my life.  I'm bored...I said that already. I'm re-thinking everything about my family so I'm confused and also angry at that. I'm impatient because I want to make soap for Christmas presents and I'm waiting and waiting and waiting for my soap supplies to arrive.  I'm trying to figure out how to work a smartphone for the first time in my life, and that's a little frustrating. 

But I'm not sad.

I WAS sad, when I dug up that pic of Dad and Stepmom. Which was - what, 2 weeks ago?  But I'm not sad now.

Mainly I'm bored.  Even smartphones turn out to be kinda boring. 

And I'm realizing this might be a pattern from my mom, where she is ten thousand kinds of moody, and she can't ever leave you alone until she provokes some kind of DRAMA. She can't give you space, she doesn't understand what space is. This "overwhelming sadness" thing is maybe another trick of trying to push a person into an argument they don't want to have.  It's like she can't accept life if there's no DRAMA in it. 

Maybe that's the problem since she moved here.  I live a pretty drama-free existence, and have a pretty drama-free friend group.  Maybe mom can't fathom a life that is steady and simple and not full of drama. 

Literally 3 hours ago we were comfortably watching TV together and I was entering phone numbers into my second-hand smartphone (because the 10 year olds at the cell service store couldn't figure out how to transfer the address book from a flip phone), and that's all that happened tonight. Now it's 3 AM and I'm playing a video game and watching yesterday's Morning Joe online, hoping that sleep comes soon. That's all there is. WHY CAN'T SHE JUST LEAVE ME THE **** ALONE!? Why does everything have to be some kind of drama??????

DRAMA!

Sorry for this long and incredibly self-centered post. I'm just really irritated and confused and frustrated right now.

Took a 2nd Valium, which is HIGHLY unusual, but it's now 1:50am and I'm wide awake though I was ready to drop at 5pm... to the point I came home and got in bed. Hopefully the 2nd pill will help for tonight's sleep. If this doesn't ease up in another week, I'm going to cry. And then I'm going to find out if I can get a sleep study. I ain't got time for this. Grr.

Ali, thanks for understanding that I may be disturbed about the fires.

Dh has a sinus headache, really bad-he went to bed all day. I thought he had the day off, but when he got up at 6:45 p.m., after missing his start time over two hours.... (work was 4:30 p.m. -9:00 p.m.) he decided to call and go in (7:45p.m.).
Places of business were closing early today due to the poor air quality from the fires.
He should stay home, imo. Authorities are saying stay home if you don't have to go out.

This surprise last minute trip out, he had not eaten, the check list/ready for work, the whole dysfunction-forgetting to go to work-so sick he could not do anything at all at home....trying to cure his headache with oregano oils....napping all day. The winds a n d over-working these past two weeks, I fear an impending meltdown by him.
The "M E L T D O W N " can be observed on 'The Good Doctor' last t.v. episode.
It is real, it really occurs people.

Upset, that's really messed up about the center break-in. Of course you can't drop the charges yourself. The police are going to pursue that, it's not YOU per se pressing charges, it's the judicial system.

I hope you can somehow get the phone system back. I think that's how it works: it's stolen property so the person who bought it is out the money they paid for it. It rightfully belongs to the center.

Glad, Stacey ~ This thread has new people regularly who come along and need input on their DYS situation. If people like us don't stick around and give to them, then there are too many people who need help, not enough people to give the help. Make sense? Good for us to hang around here, continuing to get support in our own lives, but also I know you guys would be helpful to newbies, too. You serve a purpose in the thread for many years to come.

Hey Send. Don't be lonely over in Behaving Badly. The fires are upsetting, eh. I can't believe the videos. I've never seen large fires that close to urban LA areas. :-/

Hey, everybody else. :-) Hope you're having a decent night.

Today, I felt bad in afternoon. So I went home, laid down. I was surprised I was tired enough to want to sleep, so I figured I'd take a nap. Again, the adrenaline surges started happening, and I couldn't sleep even though I would drift off. It's not a jerk, but I feel a warmish surge in my heart, and my fingers and toes start wiggling, like I've just been given a shot of adrenaline. 

This symptom didn't happen for very long period in my life before, only when I was very sick, and hasn't happened for years. Why is it back? And I don't know. The only thing it seems to be related to is -- high level of cortisol, and levels being too high at the wrong times. 

I took 5mg diazepam to reduce the symptom so I could get to sleep and rest because I think that would be best. But... it's not working this time. Ok, that's fine, I'm not terribly uncomfortable, I just wish I knew what was going on.

Thanks for letting me share. This isn't good, that's for sure. But... as long as it goes away soon, I'll be ok. Just weird. I'm drinking the alkaline water to try to combat stress/cortisol effects. I don't know if that has basis in actual science but it's something easy I can do to try to even out.

My body is being a big, whiny baby lately. It doesn't want to sleep right, then I feel bad most days, and it's a cycle right now.  

The best answer might be that I stop other things for a couple of weeks and focus on exercise and health stuff, get more self care things going on for myself. I feel "sick" right now but not any particular thing, just headachy and dry coughing.

WAAAHHHHH :-P Thanks for letting me Whine even though it's not the whine thread. These adrenaline surges when I want to sleep are the WORST. They went away for several days then came back today. Oh, well. :-(

It's okay, don't be upset!
It may just be an over-generalization.
Twisted is a therapist, therefore I hate all therapists sort of thing.......?

I have only hated a very few therapists in my entire life, but if my sister was one and treated me like Glad's sister treated her, I may hate the word therapist even. She has a valid point. But I doubt that Glad hates you.

Great apology Upset!

Sorry, I don't even know why I responded at all, since I have been reading the art of not giving a f.
(That was a joke, lol, funny to me, laughing my roflmao.....)

Oops, returning to my space on 'Caregivers Behaving Badly'.  It was getting lonely over there.

Sorry I'm a trigger

Ahh, Mally, I will be here too. I have made so many friends here that helped me through such difficult caregiving years, and twisted behaviors. I do not know what I would have done had I not found this site.😄 Can't even find an emoticon that fits.😕

Stacey and Glad, "Glad" you're still here! I'm not exactly caregiving yet; only helping out now and then with mom and inlaws, but the info and laughs on these sites are soooo helpful! Why would you want to quit? Lots of us appreciate you and value your comments... and sounds as if  you enjoy it, too?

Oh guy's, I'm not going anywhere, just not feeling compelled to give input too much these days as my issues with Narcissistic parent are now resolved, except for the ongoing internal pain and struggles that my husband still deals with, though he isn't very demonstrative about his feelings on this too often any more, in fact he doesn't speak much about his parents hardly at all, which is confusing, but again, part of his own feelings and grieving process, and I believe that everyone works through this in their own way, so I do not press him to speak about it very often.

It is still early days (2+ months) following a very long and exhausting 13 years of having my FIL in our home with us, and the harrowing end of his life while on Hospice.

It just takes so much out of you, and your mind and body does go through some interesting changes, all the while trying to find your new normal, and we're still not there yet.

I personally am still struggling with the fact that he died in our home, and am still uncomfortable going into that bedroom that he passed in, and now my husband who originally intended on using that particular bedroom as his "collection" room, no longer wishes to use it, opting for the smaller bedroom, so delegating me to use and to set it up as our guest bedroom, and I have resigned myself to this, understanding his feelings on it.

Will anyone ever wish to sleep in there in the future? As everyone knows this was where he passed, that is the question, but for now, it sits as a storage room, housing things we've yet to decide what to do  with, hopefully I'll feel better about it in the spring, when more time has past and I'm compelled to decorate it. It's weird, I know! We've never had a guest bedroom, and I had such high hopes for one, but it's no longer an exciting venture, to set it up, does that sound weird?

Please know that I think of you all often, but it seems silly to only talk about myself, and the exciting changes we are making post caregiving, sounds like bragging to me, and that's not how I want to come across as doing, not at all!

Even post caregiving is Stressful, though we are for the most part, over the hump, and are finally beginning to concentrate on our own wants and needs, and feeling better. 

Hubby and I are doing Great btw, even if he drives me crazy and talks none stop all day long! He's So needy, Sheesh! Lol!

I hope that I've explained myself a little bit better, and I do wish you all the best, Always! Stace ❤

I think breaking from here, is somewhat normal. I too, feel as Stacey does. Part of leaving all the caregiving behind. I have found I am especially triggered by, no offense upset, because she is a therapist, as is ts1. All of the manipulation and narcissistic behaviors from a therapist twisted! She thinks she is all of that and more. Still no communication with ts1, which is a good thing. And now I find even writing here, I sometimes get the twisteds confused. ts2 is the executor and communicates, somewhat. ts1, not at all.

I never could believe a word ts1 said, so much to make herself look good to others, and her magical way to suck everyone in.

I, like Stacey, read every day, just do not contribute nearly as often as I used to. Worn out from caregiving and changes completely.

Watching Book's Pentatonix Christmas special. They are good, but this show is a bit over the top and seems too contrived. Maybe it will help with the xmas spirit which I have not felt in many years. I think of you all, all the time.

Stacy, We do need you. Your decorating sounds fun.

Upset, going by your history, you will do it too!! Shameful these two young men.

Stacey, good to see you posting and happy your health is good with no heart issues. You better keep posting, we need you here.

Sharyn, We've all thought about holidays and not being open when people need the services. We're going to have a staff meeting and see if we can figure something out. Not having a business telephone system is an issue. Just found out they did sell the phone system. Got over $10,000 for it. To order a new one and get it installed will take at least 3 weeks. Have to figure it out. Police are questioning the person who bought the system.

Upset, so sorry to hear about the break in. Good they arrested the 2 involved. I agree, very destructive, sounds like a couple of very angry young men! I’m sure you have no plans to drop charges, no way! Now to have the center closed until after the first of the year when many can use the extra support during Christmas season.

Golden, speedy recovery from the surgery on Friday. I hope all goes well with the case manager. Hoping for the right position to become available for R.

Ali, I hope you are feeling better. You received a lot of good information from everyone.

State of emergency in SoCal Hollywood Hills from fire. Such a shame to see my home state burning this year.

Off today, not feeling to well from headache and shoulder stiffness. My hip hurt a lot during the night so I could not get comfortable. I took a nap this afternoon and feel better now.

My health insurance will be effective January 1st. Not in a hurry to use it for anything as I hope to stay healthy!

I’m giving kitty love to tiger as I type, he is such a cuddle bug cat. He’s not a fan of Buster but tolerates him well.

Oh Stacey you can't not come back.. you have lots of great advice and I need a casino buddy!

Upset,
It is good that you are being careful. You said the mothers had not participated, but in groups, where people share their stories, I believe an astute observer can pick up on their lifestyles, indicating potential for trouble. imo.

Our senior center requires an application for participation, for volunteering and for benefits/services.

Send, We did a welfare fraud check, but nothing else. We have a security service coming in to do an evaluation. This area is so low crime. Most people don't lock their doors. In cold weather people leave their cars running and unlocked at the grocery store. But I guess things have changed. The two women may have very well been checking things out. I think the police are looking into the women. As much as I hate to tighten things up I'm going to have to make some changes.

And the mothers.......
Their job was to case the joint?
Doing a background check online would not hurt, but guess that would be over the top.
Wishing you many blessings in dealing with the public, Upset.

My sister hired a security guard to be outside, because this is a cruel world.

I told the mother's that I was supporting law enforcement. The young men have both juvenile and adult records. They're being charged with Breaking & Entering, theft, and malicious property damage.

Add vandalism to the theft charges.

Upset, please do not drop the charges on these destructive young men, as where is the lesson in all of that? You can only hope and pray that being punished for their crime will only help them to realize the error in their ways, and that they won't make these poor chooses in the future! I never understood why a parent would want to brush this type of behavior under the rug and let their kids get away with things, especially such horrible behavior in the first place? 

We always told our kids that we would not bail them out of trouble, and thankfully none of them have everything been in trouble, so it looks like we made an impression! Lol! We meant every word!

Again, I'm so sorry, as this time of year, those caregiver really need a good place to go to rejuvenate, and you provided that great service, especially during the holiday season! What a shame, I do hope that you are able to recover your losses, and be up and running soon!

Happy Birthday to all you December babies!

upset - This is so sad. It was so destructive, They are disturbed young men. Drop charges??? I don't think so!!! Dysfunctional families from the sound of it. I would understand them selling it better too. I hope you get a good settlement.

I've spent most of the day getting together a list of what was stolen, serial numbers, and photographs of the items. The insurance adjuster was here. We should find out next week what settlement they will offer. The biggest loss will be the telephone system. It was a used system that was donated. Not sure how we will replace that.

The police have arrested two young men - both 20 years old. They are both the sons of caregivers who have attended the center - but not active participants. Their mother's stopped in this morning wanting me to drop charges. I thought that the thieves would have sold the electronics, but they didn't. Items the police recovered had been been beaten with hammers and soaked with paint and paint thinner. It was destructive and malicious. I could have understood if had been sold for cash. We aren't going to reopen until 1/3/2018. Very disheartening.

(((((duck))))) grieving is healthy and normal - not fun, but we need to grieve our losses. Hope you get a good convection oven soon and have success with chicken and dumplings. I understand the feeling of impending doom only too well. The doom always came in our household.

whirled - I am sorry for the antics of your family. Some are so greedy at these times. I have seen it. So glad reunion with your aunt worked well. I am wary like you with my sister.

cm - I identify with that - only neither of us have the sister we want - subtle difference. My sis wants contact with me, but she also wants to hurt me. I can't allow that. She would prefer that I was more like her - not going to happen. That is a very powerful memory. I have a few of those. They speak volumes.

upset - I think you are wise to be cautious. You have had more than your share of family cr*p and you don't need any more. I think it a bit presumptuous of them to suggest the girls stay over with you. Boundaries!!!

guest - the voice of experience speaks, indeed. Having a lawyer intervene was a good thing.

stacey thx. Got the 12:15 slot for surgery which works well with not eating 4 hrs before. I am sorry you are feeling out of place. You are still actively grieving not just fils passing, but the burden on you and hub all those years, and to add to it hub's sibs behaviour, which is inexcusable. You know you are always welcome. I am so glad your health and sleep have improved. I was getting worried about you. Your family is a great support and I am glad for you. The renos sound great. I know you are enjoying them. Hope you have a great holiday season this year without the extra burden of caregiving.

Just taking it easy before mother's case meeting. I trust all will be well. No news is good news.

Golden, Good Luck and swift healing on your eye surgery this Friday!

Upset, so sorry to hear about the break in at your help center, that's horrible, especially during the holiday season, when so many need additional support!

To those who are struggling with new dysfunctional sibling interference, remember to guard your hearts! I know it must be very difficult to want resolution or at least a civil relationship, but you all know your history, and what got you to this point in the first place, is it repairable, IDK. Try not to add additional stress, especially during the holiday season! I am so thankful for having great relations with my 5 siblings, and wouldn't know what I'd do without them.

A couple of weeks ago, we (all 6 of us) had lunch, along with 3 cousins, and it was so nice to be together as it doesn't happen all that often any more, especially my 2 brothers, as one now lives about 50 miles away, and my younger brother has school age kids, starting his family later in life. Oh how I wish you all could have a family like mine!

I've barely started my Christmas shopping, nothing decorated yet, so Way behind the 8 ball, with house renovations! Time to get my butt in gear! New bed arrived yesterday, so putting that together today, yea looking forward to that!

Happy holidays to you All!