notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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I don't know how I fit in anymore,, not sure if I'm protecting myself and wanting to forget about the past, or if I have anything relevant to add any longer, now that my caregiving days are over. It's a strange place to be, but do know that I really do care about you all, and that you all helped me in so many ways over the past few years! Sometimes it's painful to continue to think about it, but also possibly part of the grieving process too, trying to forget about it.
For the most part our dysfunction has ended, though my husband still struggles with his past, and his relationship with his brother, his sister hasn't so much as called, and that's fine too.
My husband has completed his dispursment of his Fathers Will and wishes, so that is behind him.
Or house renovations are coming along, the carpet is all in, new linoleum, new stove, all of my new furniture is in and looks great! Now all we need to do is put back all of the Chotskies that were boxed up, but we've gotten rid of many cabinets and tables, so no place to put everything back, and not sure if I want to do all of that, as many do not fit in with my new decorating scheme having decided to go with a new look, Lol!
I'm feeling so much better, and no new or ongoing heart symptoms, so that is good! I'm feeling good, and sleeping better than I have in years!
Had a phone call form Bb, the first one we ignored and didn't pick up, but we answered the second call, in which he tried to guilt my husband because hubby failed to call and check up on him after his supposed surgery. The thing is that he cried wolf so many time in the past about his health crisis and maladies, that we just don't know what is real or true or not, and why couldn't his wife have called to tell us how he was doing? I just stay out of it!
When I spoke to him for a few brief moments, he tried to tell me that it was my my husband who was acting weird during the trip hubby made to see him, hence the reason why he blew him off during his visit, well what was hubby supposed to do, beg him to ask him to join him in his errands that kept him from being accessible during his visit? No, my hubby is not that kind of guy, so he'd just as soon be ignored, and stay in his hotel room all alone for 4 days. All told, hubby spent about 3 hours with his brother over the course of 5 days, the rest of the time, all he got was excuses for how busy brother was, sad really. I know this because hubby called me 10 times a day, so no vacation for me either!
So now my husband has put up secure boundaries, and wishes his brother well, put a fork in it, he's done!
Upset, I think it's for the best. My stepsister once told me that she'd been moved so many times and had various "relatives" as caregivers that it really made her attachment issues worse. Any overnight stay caused stress as "is this the new forever home" and fears of dumping arose.
DDDuck, I completely understand that! Again, I haven't read your overall story, but if it's anything like mine, then we have been trained to expect that anything positive will always be followed by something negative. But that doesn't have to be true. Here's hoping the good stuff will continue for you!
Upsetsister - I haven't read about your overall story, so I don't know if your niece's children's guardians would have ulterior motives. But, I can say that I recently got reconnected with a great aunt, and I'm very glad I did. She's in her 70's now, and I wish we had reconnected earlier in life. Do the guardians know you very well? Maybe they want the girls to know as much of their "family of origin" as possible? For some people, that's very important. On the flip side, I completely understand being wary. My parents can't do so much as sneeze without me being wary, lol!! I guess all you can do is start carefully, and go from there. Best of luck with it!
Whirled, my brother told my sister and me he wanted Mom's car in backyard of Mom's house the night she died. His wife wanted my sister to immediately transfer title of the house we would be splitting to be in all 3 names. From the outside, my bro had money (inside, they spent every penny as they got and my mom gave them money). Tell whoever wants their money you have to go through probate and that takes approximately 6 months. Have your lawyer draft a letter if you need to - legit expense of the estate and reduces sibling gripes. Voice of experience here:((( I love my brother, but he's a jacka$$.
Actually, I'm just sad. I do not enjoy the thought of sister going through what sounds like a heap of trouble without anyone she feels she can talk to. Niece is furious with her father (Daughter 1 says, that is - I don't know this first-hand) but that just means you wouldn't want to make her even angrier. Nephew 3 is said to have said "whatever" and moved on. But even if your children would applaud you for it, ditching a 30 year marriage is not something you do without wanting to chew it over properly first. You want someone to hear the gory details, and agree with you whatever you decide.
I don't think she's got that sort of friend.
But Golden you're right, that still doesn't mean I'd do instead. I suppose that's what I'm sad about, that neither of us has a sister we want.
And yes expecting that to change would be insane. I have one very powerful memory - I was five so sister would have been thirteen, and we were sent out on an errand. There was a busy road to cross and I took her hand, as I'd been taught. She literally said "ugh! Get off!" and shook me off.
I'm sure she would like to like me. The truth is, she can't, as repeated attempts have shown.
Oh, and the same sibling also took family heirlooms from Dad and sold them, without telling any of the other family members or asking us if we wanted them. And because he did that while Dad was still alive, and Dad agreed to it (said sibling kept the emails from Dad as proof that it was "above board" - what a dear son, bless his little heart), we have no recourse. The rest of us wouldn't have sold them for money, we would have kept them in the family, as was mom's intention. I swear, that man has no soul. He's been like this for years, but no one ever confronts him. Jacka$$.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Ali, you sound like you are settling in nicely and have a lot of good stuff.
I am sort of ok. I am still kind of mourning my girl friend, my cousin, my broken relationship with my sister, my broken family, and most of all this wierd thing of closeness and normality with my mother. That she has to be demented for me to have a close to normal relationship. That spoon feeding her is just another level of what I have always been to her since I can remember. And that I love her so much and even more when I think or remember all that ugly nasty things. Its almost like the devil cant use her anymore she is left to be herself.
Its also scary because she is eating poorly. The stove gas is off and I am in process of choosing a good covection oven where I can bake some mac n cheese and chicken.
I also miss the chit chat and real talk here. I think I have a little depression, I am trying to work out of it. Got real good compliments from my supervisor and my clients mother which was uplifting but left me feeling like something bad is on the way.
I am off tomarrow and I will try to get my mother involved in makeing a chicken in dumpling in a crock pot. I have tried it over and over (for years) my son told me as a teen to give it up. lol. The last time bought the chicken and got her to make it, I didnt even get any. I have fun with her now in the kitchen, like watching how dainty she is, never realized it. Like her mother. Now if I can trick her into making the dumplings, (thats my problem) I can do the rest (which is not much) and maybe she will eat it.
Ali good luck with the sales. There are people out there who love that good quality stuff and will spend. I wish you the best and good returns.
Rays of love light and peace to all of you. Got much love in my heart for you all.
" The rate of acetylation is genetically determined. Approximately 50 percent of African Americans and Caucasians are “slow acetylaters”, and the rest are “rapid acetylaters”; the majority of Eskimos and Asians are “rapid acetylaters." from tmedweb, tulane edu.
I don't think there is anything you can do about it.
The other thing I have been reading that makes me think of you is that one of the triggers for CFS is mold exposure.
Wish I had better news for you.
Hope the consignments do well. Keep up with the downsizing. It is a major but satisfying job.
Hey all, good to read and take in about your relationship history with siblings. It helps me to picture what I'm facing in my own life, too. I do think that someone/something has to change significantly for there to be real improvement in these lifelong dys relationships. Apologies and acknowledgement of wrongdoing are good. And... I know I'd respond to a sibling who reached out to me... if for no other reason than because I'm CURIOUS what is going on with them, why they are acting differently. :-P
CM, I'm very curious what you will do, how you will handle this, and if you will grow to regret further contact. I'm not making light of it in the least, but I am curious. You, too, Glad.
Thanks for sharing your stories, everyone. It's very helpful.
Upset, you did say it was first break in of the kind in years but... maybe consider some dummy exterior security cameras, as a deterrent. I put some on the old house because there were break-ins in the area, and it made me feel that I'd taken a small, basic step to prevent teenager-type break ins.
Golden, I'm most definitely a slow acetylator person. It's become noticeably more extreme in past several years. I have intolerance to OTC & Rx meds now that I used to take "Before Caregiving" w/o any issue, intolerance to caffeine now when it was no issue before, lots of new diet sensitivities, etc. Wonder if I can improve this metabolism/liver function...?? I'll read up when I get time. It's ok if it's part of "aging" but I hit the fast-forward button on my body with everything that happened during caregiving years, not just the mental/emotional stress but the biotoxin of bad mold environment. I see physical evidence of it on the outside of my body with gray hair and noticeably aged skin, so makes sense it could've happened on inside, too. I don't care if I can't turn back time but I'd like to make the best of it. It's been such a change and it's been difficult to know if it's permanent change or some things that can be reversed, as caregiving fades into the past. I guess I'll find out. ;-)
So thankful for all of you.
I took boxes and boxes of silver/silver-plate trays and some of my own jewelry and other things to consignor today. I take another load tomorrow. I hope they do a decent job. I have realistic expectations. I kept back a large amount that I would take in the future if these auctions go ok. Fingers crossed. Overall, I'm very happy to be downsizing to a one-person, one-bedroom household. That suits me right now as I find my new-normal post caregiving.
hugs to you, dori - surgery Friday not sure what time.
My holidays became sooooo peaceful when I decided to stop spending it with my mother's side of the family. Narc Grandfather is gone now, but he was the main reason I started staying home for the holidays. There is only Aunt, Cousin, and Brother left now. I don't talk to Aunt or Cousin - Cousin is the WORST kind of oozy, fake charming, manipulative, money-grubbing narc, and Aunt (his mom) is bipolar and did some mean stuff to Mom over Grandfather's estate.
Bro....he is not much like the matri-family; he was raised by Dad after the divorce. We fought over him not helping out Mom when she was still living there, and stopped talking for awhile. But now I am taking care of Mom and I have this whole different perspective all of a sudden....I dunno. I hope we can work our stuff out. He sent me a birthday card! It's been years since we did that for each other.
I have all these brotherly guy friends, I've spent years trying to "replace" him, I guess. Best guy friend comes pretty close. But I'd still like to have a relationship with my real brother. It's like....we're the only two people who witnessed the same things growing up, you know? For awhile there we seemed to really understand each other, but then....lately I've been starting to piece together how we drifted apart and ultimately fought, and I'm starting to wonder if it was Mom driving a wedge between us, doing the triangulation thing, you know? Everything I'd come to dislike about him are things Mom told me about him, about his personality, about their interactions....
This isn't what I planned to write about today! Lol. And now I have to go clean the apartment before BGF comes over.
Upsetsister - soooo sorry about the break-in! Ugh, it's such a violating feeling. :-(
golden - when is your surgery?
Big hugs to everyone else! I hafta get the vacuum moving!
welcome gidget. That's a pretty uncomfortable situation. As upset said - you have to set boundaries and stay out of their arguments/manipulations. I think I would set the limit about arguing at your place. Let them know they are welcome to visit, but not to argue when they do. If they are going to argue they should stay home, or leave That sounds pretty tough. but you have to be with narcs or they will walk all over you and suck you into their dramas. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
book - sounds like theft is a big problem. The next door neighbours, who are from the Philippines, have fenced their place though we have had only one attempted break-in all the time I have lived there. The Philippine gals, I had staying with me at one point, were very concerned about security.
My head is spinning with all the appointments/business we are trying to accomplish this trip, not that there isn't more waiting to be dealt with at home. Got the results from the lab tests re the soda, and they are not benign, so I must not say any more from now on, but that this will require more time and effort. Signed a contract to sell the cottage lot yesterday. Must start eye drops for upcoming surgery. No call re R's last job interview so it looks like that is a bust. It makes life easier for me, but it is a bit disappointing for him. However, we do have faith that the right job will come at the right time. We got his phone fixed yesterday and the little place that did it is a gem. Great service. We wasted 2 hrs in West Ed Mall while they serviced it. Haven't done that in ages. Case meeting for mother tomorrow and maybe a appointment. Another appointment Thursday, surgery Friday, then I will take it easy for a couple of days. Deep breaths!!!
Edit: schools have reached out to the surrounding communities asking for their help. If they see something suspicious, please call the police. That seems to be working.
I have two aging parents who live two doors down, one is 92 my dad, my mom is 88. They have recently moved to the area to be closer so I can help support them. Things have gotten out of control, they were invited to dinner and non stopped argued for over an hour about finances. My mom is very controlling and my father resents it which is normal but only feels he can stand up to her when he has an audience. My parents have well enough money but she controls it and put him on a tight leash. He receives 200 a month allowance. They have years of resentment and frankly I do not want to hear it. My mom has always lacked empathy and sensitivity unless it is about her. She immediatley goes to victim if she does not get her way. Recently, he wanted a golf card and wanted me to help him get this cart without her knowing and helping him. He then was trying to figure out how to get the money from her. He argued and argued and she decided to give it to him. Ok, then they wanted a ride to the golf cart place and I could not go because I was working. The whole ordeal with this cart was terrible. My mate took them and my mom manipulated the situation so that he did not get one. They came over and blamed my mate for it and blamed me for wanting one for myself because he state I wanted it.
I am just not how to make sure I or my mate do not get tangled in their dysfunctional pattern again. I did not see this coming and feel disappointed and frustrated that they are acting like this. After all I have done to help them and they are just toxic. Now I am afraid they live so close and am afraid of what next. I saw comments about getting stronger boundaries and need to address this. When helping turns on me and now having to deal with that is just too much.
Thanks for all of you if I don't mention - our stories become so tangled and familiar that I hope that your holidays are better. If you are grieving, take time for yourselves, too. Don't let the snakes eat you.
Golden, glad about your dgs med change. It can make huge difference. I can always tell my son's compliance or NOT with his anxiety med. Wonderful advice as usual. We are raised as "fixers" and there's stuff you just can't. You can repair relationships, but it takes work. The biggest points in my sister's favor? She has asked me for help moving and when she had surgery to recover - she also paid for plane fare, meals when there, and paid me the equivalent of work missed since I don't get vacation working contracts part time. She literally puts her money where her mouth is and doesn't expect something for nothing. Update on friend and her mother? Mom is bruised but healing. Friend "just can't manage the crises" and has found another person willing to do footwork to take over when I drew boundaries. Ah, well, that's why I am careful that relationships don't require rescue...
You made a decision. Great!
Then the FOG rolls in, San Francisco style.
You may hurt her feelings, but yours are as important to you, or more so, than hers are. Remember Paulo Coelho, "When you say “yes” to others, make sure you are not saying “no” to yourself.
Failing to help someone - given the state of your relationship do you REALLY think you could help her??? Relationships where helping can occur need to be solidly positive relationships. That isn't the case here.
Never does not always have to be never. Breaking a old family tradition is not necessarily a bad thing.
Regretting your coldness - think about it not as coldness, but as a self protective move which you never regret.
Being thought badly by her children and mine. Sigh. That's a big hook isn't it? Her children know her, and if yours don't, they will find out eventually, I believe. And if not, you can rest in the knowledge that you have a relationship with these people too, and they have to figure it out. When all else fails, ponder this,"What other people think of you is none of your business." Regina Brett.
Oh yes, it was "that" bad and maybe worse.
Let go of the shoulds, always! You are who you are and that is fine!
Ah, memories of mothers and character assassinations. Definitely another thing we don't need.
The book sounds to be just what you need, “how to stop spending time you don't have with people you don't like doing things you don't want to do.” Thank you, Mark Manson
Have a good morning everyone - evening to you, cm!
And binned the card. Not as helpfully final as with deleting emails, but the thought of my neighbours seeing me fishing about head down in the wheelie bin should be enough to keep me from retrieving it out of guilt, and the collection is next Monday - safe enough!
Here it goes with the FOG...
I am afraid that I will be guilty of hurting her feelings and failing to help someone who is asking for help. I feel an obligation to be courteous, and reply to someone who has contacted me - in my family you can be as cruel as you please but you must NEVER be bad-mannered. I fear regretting my coldness, and being thought of badly by her children and mine. I think I am being silly (oh come on it wasn't *that* bad! - but excuse me, yes it was). I think I "should" be more forgiving, and less sensitive.
What helps me is remembering my mother's weekly misery when she met up with her two sisters for coffee every Sunday morning in their later life. I am NOT going to be doing that, treating myself to a little light-hearted character assassination, when I am in my eighties, if I get that far. I refuse to feel bound to a bad relationship - two perfectly all right people who are toxic in combination.
Must get that copy of "The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving A F**k" I promised myself a couple of years back.
I don't think the patterns of a lifetime change. That goes for you, cm, and also for glad, and for myself.
Whatever the reason for increased contact, my experience, 80 years of it now, is that things don't change and inevitably the old dysfunctional patterns reassert themselves after the attempt to establish a workable social relationship.
Events - divorces, holidays, in my case my sis's marriage, all present opportunities for another go around the circus ring. Whether it is to share troubles, or joys, or seasonal blessings, the desire for renewed contact rears it's head.
Our sisters want contact - to forge family bonds.
This is where I am at:
Out of social obligation, due to my sister's remarriage, I have re engaged in email contact, sent flowers, a card and good wishes (the obligatory stuff). I have promised them a celebratory meal when they come over in the spring. It is what mother would have done and part of this, for me, is what I feel to be a family obligation. My analysis of sis's need is that she now has a man too, and that she wants to show him off and us all to be "friends" because looks better to others and to her new mate.
I have no delusions that this will end well for me, absolutely none. She has always reverted to snide and cutting remarks and worse, said with a big smile, and denied later. Once the initial excitement of the new union is over, I will slowly reduce contact, increase time between emails, and when the inevitable happens, cut contact again.
cm - your sis likely sees in you a potential ally, as you are singled too, and is, understandably, looking for support. But that does not mean you have to give it. You have some very justifiable negative feelings towards her, and if you desire is to maintain no contact then do so. Do what works for you. How to stop thinking about it? Make a decision of how you are going to handle it. Respond vaguely and then be too busy for any specifics, or something like that.
glad - you have your answer with ts1 being included and on her terms only. AD does like to stir up, doesn't she? After Christmas???? Figure out if it would be worth it.
Dysfunctional families could also be titled fractured families. It is the way it is.
upset - I have had to grow a thick skin about the impression I think some family members have been given about me. Honestly - their problem. Not nice I know, but not my circus. So sorry about the break in. Hope all gets resolved quickly.
barb - you are so well out of that first marriage. I have heard the "you're mourning all wrong" from my sister after my son was killed. Nobody needs that.
Oh my! Have a good day all, despite these things. Life goes on and is what you make of it. And on that note do some good things for you.
The things the holidays bring on.
Then a note from ts1 with a disbursement check that maybe we could get together after Xmas.
Sent now thinking about this c@@@ again.
Upset sorry about the break in.
And the rage and frustration of it! I can't BELIEVE I let you take me over like that!!! It's like being the victim of the most stupendous confidence trick and suddenly twigging to it. But thank goodness you did - getting away is the only remedy. And resorting to your own values, too, as your mother did.
I don't know BIL well enough to understand the dynamics of their marriage and what effects it might have had on Sister, but you've reminded me of a few small incidents - turning down a supper invitation before I'd even had time to say when it was, deciding she couldn't keep a framed embroidery she'd made for my mother because BIL wouldn't have "tat" like that in the house, writing a stern letter warning me against ever again giving hand-me-down dresses to my toddler niece (what did the child wear in the sandpit? Her ball gown?). But on the other hand, none of these things, although they might have saddened or offended me at the time, especially surprised me. If I thought he was pretty up himself sometimes I did also think they were well-matched as a couple.
Also. It's not over yet. I don't know how long they've been living apart and I wouldn't be that astonished if they ultimately decide that divorce is too expensive and inconvenient, and too much like failure, to be worth it.
The trouble is that all of the reasons I had for protecting myself from her still apply. It was more that we were unwillingly thrown together by mother's needs and choices; caregiving didn't spoil our relationship, which had never been great even at the best of times, it forced us to maintain one and make the best we could of it. I would love her to have a shoulder to cry on and someone to vent to and cheer her up but I'm not the right person for the job. I annoy her, she offends me. There is no bond.
So, could we make one?
Hm. What do we think of people who repeatedly convince themselves that people who have previously hurt them a lot will have changed and everything will be different and lovely now?
I think I should try not to be stupid.