The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Got a call from the police at 5:00 am. We had a break-in at the caregiver's center - some vandalism and theft of some computer equipment. We'll have to be closed for a few days for
repairs and clean up. An alarm went off at 4:45. When the police arrived there were lights on in the building that hadn't been on in an earlier drive by. He found the rear door had been broken into. I'll have to do an inventory of stolen items for insurance. An adjuster will have to assess damage. There was a workshop last night that lasted until 10:00. Everything was locked up and alarm set at that time. Police say it's the first break-in in the area in several years.

Hmmmm. This is YOUR sister, yes? And you've cut off communication with her due to stuff that happened during the time that your mother was in your care?

I don't have any advice, CM. But I will tell you that for the 24 years that I was married to my ex, it must have appeared that I was a real piece of $hit to my family. A few examples: wouldn't let me buy Christmas gifts for my parents; wouldn't allow me to send Christmas cards, dictated how much and what kind of contact I had with all of my family. I adopted his (stupid and idiotic) opinions as my own. It took until my dad's funeral ("you're mourning all wrong, you shouldn't cry, stop being so emotional") that I finally realized what an a$$hole he was. (By the time HIS dad died, we were separated. You should have heard the weeping! I just patted his hand. My mother was kind enough to say to him "your dad is in a better place". My mother was a much nicer person than I.)

When I finally dumped him, it took several years to make ammends.

I never came right out and said "Ex was a piece of $*it, NPD, probably Borderline, jerk; I'm sorry I fed into his bad behavior, will you forgive me and have me back?".

I would have sent a personal card with some news and hoped that reaching out in a way that wasn't "pre-printed" would send the message to the receiver.

Thus endeth the lesson.

Advice, please.

I have just had a Christmas card from my sister. Not unusually early for her, she always gets them written in November so that she can mail them out by second class post (no comment).

Who gave her my address? - but never mind, too late.

But then, wtf?

She says she is splitting her time over Christmas between Niece and Nephew 3. She says would I like to catch up in the Spring? She says she has had a knee replacement, giving this as a reason for not wishing to drive before then. She doesn't mention separating from her husband, and she has signed the card with love from all four of them. And it is most unusual for her to put anything in a Christmas card beyond signing it - they've always had them pre-printed.

Is this a cry for help? Is she assuming that I have avoided all contact with her for eighteen months through absent-mindedness or some sort of oversight? Why does a not very sporty 62 year old need a knee replacement? - and who's walking their fox terrier?

If she were a friend, I'd be round there this lunchtime with a bottle of wine and a cheesecake. She has a lot to cope with. I care about that.

But we are not friends. I want to stop thinking about it. How?

Thanks for the bday wishes. It is the middle of this month. Just hanging out before work this morning. We decorated the tree yesterday. No snow yet here, not in hurry for it to snow either.

We drove over to Lamoine last night, on the bay, to see the super moon. It was beautiful out over the water.

I had an early morning group workshop - "Caregiver Coping Strategies For The Holidays". We had two guest speakers - one a nutritionist; the other was a Family Dynamics specialist. But One of the caregivers said she had her own strategy "lock the door".

I'm home until 2:00. I'm making two dozen pie crusts to freeze. PJ's four teenage granddaughter came over yesterday afternoon and we made three double batches of cookies. Trying a freezing strategy. A GF told me about. Scoop out dough balls, put on cookie sheets and freeze for hour. Then put the dough balls in plastic bags to freeze until needed.  You can then take out what you need and bake. Of course the boys wanted to eat cookie dough. 

Everyone have a great day! We're supposed to have snow starting tonight and everyday thru next Sunday.

Super moon is awesome! Very bright out, I can see the blue sky, shadows of the pergola on the patio concert. The moon is straight up over our house right now. I didn’t have to turn on the patio light taking midget out for a potty run before bed!

Hi all I have been off line for quite a while. Will I ever catch up?!! I am feeling exhausted. I made it through the Thanksgiving event without getting deeply depressed. But I must say its been very depressing. I am watching my mother deteriorate, I spoon feed her but she just doesnt seem to want to eat. Some day are okay. But I see it in her face now. Im scared for her and dreading all the drama and pain to come.

Its been continuous. This my last few days off were spent on long train rides to the doctor and my job for an inservice for which the guy was over and hour late and no heat in the building.

My mother said she wanted her own collard greens and I said okay and while I supervise her I would fry some catfish which is our favorite. So thurs day after a whole day waiting to get flu shot and refills with the wtc program also setting up appointment for everything under the sun. Anyways I take another long ride to the only place Iknow that sells the catfish nuggets (they are delicious) and I got the greens and some other stuff. Well friday I go to start the routine and low and behold the gas is off on the stove. I call handy man and he says my sister had him do it because my mohter had the house filled with gas all the way to top floor. Its scary but you would think she would at least tell me what had happened and that the gas was off. One day I came in and it smelled like burnt toast, I never smelled any gass. But I lost my good sense of smell working with homeless people in the emergency room. It got real serious at times I dont carehow many masks you use. then you cant let them go like that. Anyways I am sure my sister is vey happy as she alwaysa seemed offended when she saw me cooking and often in agruments would say my mother dont want my food anyway. I have to cook its not only a joy but a habit. My mother needs home made food. She getsthe meals on wheels. jBut its when I cook a favorite that I see her eat good,

So I went and bought an electrical pan that was supposed to bake and fry and rosast and all that good stuff. It was too big but I fried my fish and it was good. I acually boough enough to fill it and had some leftover becuase I got extra since I hardly get to that store.

Does anyone have a recommendation for a good convection oven. I mostly bake my food slowly.

Hey, I am sorry I have to catch up. so I hope no one is offended that I am just experessing my stuff. Golden I am wishing you the best with the eye surgery and getting that balance of calcium and magnesium right. Hope your mom is fine and you are all settled in good.

I know this is a busy season. With the holidays and all. I miss the hustle and bustle and then I dont. The is a hole in my heart where all that love used make me want to have the prettist tree in the world. And the pretiest lights. and make everyone happy. I dont have any family here even though we are all right in the same house. Its so sad. I am meaning my immediate family. My son is a way I am missing him although we talk.

I also got good news about professional therapy. They are starting this new program with a therapist weekly and a psychiatrist once monthly. I have been referred waiting for acceptance. Gosh I hope I get in. Its so good, acutally great to get constructive objective feedback . I cant wait!!!!!
So I hope you all are enjoying putting up trees and wrapping presents and decorating and planning for diners if that what you do and if not I hope you are treating yourself lovely and putting your self first and not feeling guilty because someone near is not happy.
I am feeling drained and have lot of stuff to do. not to mention one leg dont work sometimes lol. At least the knees are chilling out.

I went and bought somemake up also. One of the girls where I buy my wigs is always lovely. So I finally went on and asked her to show me how to do the do. I like the foundation. Bought a new wig also. My regular one is out. I dont like this one it looks just like a wig. But I have to make do. (smile)

It felt good doing something for my self something to feel and look nice.
and I stay it prayer. I dont know what I would do without it. It works and God's Grace and Work is awesome. I see it in my life, I see it with my turmoils. I see it working. Sometimes its sad. I truly want to blame myself for something someone set themselves up for. But I know its not my fault just the karma coming around. Which is why I try my best to do and treat people, every one the way I would want to be treated.
And I am babbling.

I just wish you all the best, and lots of love and sunshine in your hearts.

Anyone know about Madge?

book - the family fight must have been horrible. I am glad you were prepared to call the police.

upset - sounds like that sharing the locker room with guys worked out very well

sharyn - must be tough when you work there if customers mess up the restrooms. That is a very long day with 2 active lads. Thx re the job for R. Happy Birthday when it comes

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dori - belated Happy Birthday, Glad you had a good meal out! Archery - wow!!!

glad - happy new car day!!! Good for you sending ts2 a card.

send - love that song "Mary did you know?"

Mldavis - I think things can be set up to decrease contact - maintain distance. You could consult your local Agency for Aging. They may have ideas. Other than that, as you suggest, either a mediator or an elder attorney would be a good idea in my view. In my situation, I am POA and executor. I very much do not want to directly deal with the job of the executor as my sister always looks for ways to attack me and is very concerned about money. Mother's lawyer, who drew up the documents and mothers will, knows about the family issues and has said she will help with the executor duties. As POA, I have had issues with my sister and mother and just toughed it out insisting on doing what I knew was best for mother. As POA, I deal with family at arm's length as much as possible. Good luck and let us know what you end up doing.

Thx for good wishes re the cataract surgery. Weather is holding around freezing in E'ton which is good for R who is finishing what he needs to on the roof for the winter. It is a bit colder at home, but not bad. Dd goes this week to the surgeon to have another look at what she calls the mystery lump. They thought it was an inguinal hernia, but when they did surgery the first time they did not find one or anything out of place. They say it is not the other kind of hernia. But she has a painless bulge in that area which comes and goes and she wants it dealt with, especially since she weight lifts. Then there is my mystery ovary issue. The ultrasound showed everything normal, but I am still getting pain sometimes. So, I decided to track it on the calendar, and the last two months it has happened 28 days and 29 days apart. The discomfort will build up for a while, then become painful then it goes away, till it comes back again. At my age - go figure. I will track a few more months to be sure there is a steady pattern. Can you imagine the dr's face when I tell him? My aunt was told her ovaries were still working when she was in her 70s. Then having fun trying to figure out the balance between the calcium I am taking for my bones, and how much magnesium to take which balances out the constipating effect of the Ca++. Too much Mg++ you get the big D. Not enough you get the big C!!! Sigh! Life is all about balance.

Thanks Sharyn.
That reminds me, someone left some furniture outside on Thanksgiving.
If it rains.....
Guess I will be hiring help......oh no!

And life happens......
The heat pump is arching? So hubs turned it off on his way to church this morning.
Guess I will be hiring help.....oh no!

Send, you don’t have to apologize for it. It is something NASA announced last year and is silly really. I’m sure it gets stressful with your hubby at times. Making change can be confusing under the circumstances. Most of us take it for granted because the register tells us how much to give back, actually sometimes I enter the wrong amount of cash a customer gives me, then I I have to figure it in my head quickly and if stressed, a mistake can happen. Retail is stressful work.

Enjoy your day, we have rain today.

Thank you Dorianne, and SharynMarie for debunking that! I forgot about Snopes.
One of my pet peeves around home is m i s i n f o r m a t i o n !  I do apologize for the misinformation.  Sorry.
I saw that symbol, (archer bow) very nice!  Never noticed it before because I too am not a believer in astrology, but discuss it with my friends and sis who are interested.  But then, it really irks them when we get to the question:  "What sign is yours?" and I answer....I was born under the sign of the cross.
Because there is so much misinformation coming from dH. And because I want so much to believe him.  Then, he is under a lot of stress right now.  Yesterday he could not get the proper change back from a twenty. He brought it to me to figure out, and I was confused too! That is because the one guy gave him too much change, because the guy was confused, overworked, and working past retirement. It happened a second time getting change for a twenty at the barber. He only left a dollar tip because he was not able to ask for change from a $5 dollar bill. (or maybe he wanted the whole $5.) ?? This is risky, because when he returns there for a haircut, well, you know.....lol.  This seems like petty issues, and very small amounts, but multiply that, and it's not.

Sharyn, he works in retail, and fortunately in this job, does not make change.  He can make change though, and does well, for a time.  That is why keeping his stress low helps him, and those around him.  

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Thanks for the birthday wishes everyone! And happy birthday to my fellow Sagittarians and December babies!

My best guy friend took me out for dinner last night. Mongolian grill - if you've never had it, that's where all the raw ingredients are laid out buffet style for you to choose, and they get cooked up like a stir fry on a giant grill while you wait. All you can eat, also. My eyes were bigger than my stomach! I was pretty hurty afterwards, and really glad I wore leggings instead of my new b-day jeans. (Waistbands....ugh!)

Otherwise it was pretty uneventful.

I'm not really a believer in astrology, although as someone who is into archery I kind of like the symbol of Sagittarius! The thing with Ophiuchus becoming a sign has been debunked on Snopes. Also the zodiac constellations (there are actually over 20, not 12 or 13) have been constantly changing since their discovery in Ancient Greece, due to the wobble of the earth, so who even knows what we're all supposed to be!

Ok, I'm done nerding for the morning, lol.

Send, I love that Pentatonix song. One of my favorites.

Book, Being the peacemaker and voice of reason is tough role to play. I'm sure it saddens, and possibly angers you to see the past repeating.

I'm sticking with Saggitarius. I don't know what my new name is.

We're going over to the this evening to see the super moon. Always a beautiful view.

I think, in order to give you useful advice, some more information is needed, ML. Welcome! We care!

so realizing we are dysfunctional- how do make decisions? do we hire a mediator? or elder care attorney to delegate irrevocable trust? is there a way to set it up with minimal contact with major decisions decided ahead of time?

Going back to sleep after listening to Pentatonix song...."Mary did you know?"

So sorry Book. There you are, being the peacemaker in the family, and suffering for it.
Take some deep breaths. It is a tough role to be the only one making any sense.
If you hadn't done that, the neighbors would have called the police, and there would be consequences for your family.
You did what was right, give yourself a hug, or pat on the shoulder.

I'm a bit upset. My brother & his wife must have been in their bedroom with the TV blasting. OMG! Their grownup kids (both have their own homes) were yelling at each other. I couldn't hear much because I had my radio on. I just heard a lot of yelling, escalating. Then, more voices joined in. Their younger bro just came home and saw that his 2 older sibs were yelling at each other. He joined in to tell his older bro to leave, to go home. WWIII erupted. Then oldest bro brought in his sis' boyfriend into the argument. She got angry and said, you want to bring my bf, then I will bring in your wife! He said no. What, it's ok for you to talk about my bf but I cannot talk about your wife?.. on and on.. I couldn't believe these were 3 grown ups (over age 30) fighting like little kids!... I heard their mother come out. But it was just escalating. I went out because I can tell, from past experiences, that it was now to the point of about to get physical. I stood on my porch, watching. I didn't say anything. Just watching. Then I saw oldest son launch towards to his younger brother saying he was going to kill him. I saw his sister trying so hard to stop her bigger older brother. She almost lost her grip. I lost it. I yelled (I have a very loud voice) into the quiet night, "NO PHYSICAL! NO PHYSICAL! Yelling is fine. ONCE YOU BECOME PHYSICAL, I'M CALLING THE POLICE AND I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE FAMILY. I WILL CALL THE POLICE!"... They all stopped and stared at me. Then, youngest boy had to open his d*rn mouth. This is the son who has NO job, a gf (no job either) and a son - all living off my oldest bro. Older boy was determined to beat up his younger brother who kept egging him on. I wanted sooo badly to tell youngest boy to shut up because he is a bum who has no incentive to support his family but to live off his parents. Nothing he owns is really his.... In the end, my brother came out and they stopped. My brother has followed my dad's abusive cycle. (He had no shame using his pregnant wife's belly as a punching bag to punish her - in front of us and dad. Dad finally had to step in - because hitting the pregnant stomach was a no-no...) When it calmed down, I walked to oldest nephew, and I forced a hug on him. He was so stiff with anger. Then, I turned to niece, opened my arms wide and said that I need to hug her. I did all the hugging and I whispered that I'm so sorry. (I know her older brother's words hurt her deeply.) It's sad that my 2 older brothers and their sons are repeating the cycle that dad to them, and his father to him, etc...

I was so upset because it was bringing up past feelings when I was younger. Helplessness. Fear. I would have called the police if they started physically fighting. I cannot go through that again. I'm not a child to hide and watch what was happening. I'm an adult. And if I have to call the cops, I will. I hate this feeling of helplessness and traitor! I'm still upset... I thought writing it here would help. It's not... I feel soooo like a traitor to the family.... I go listen to my current favorite xmas singers Pentatonix to ease my mind.

Thanks Send, I read about it last year. I will stay Sagittarius by choice, don’t follow it anyway, lol!

Happy Birthday Sharyn!

Did anyone read where the horoscope dates were now changed? I'm sure I did read it somewhere. I think.
Yeah, Nasa corrected the dates.....
Ophiuchus: November 29 – December 17

Sagittarius: December 17 – January 20

Does that make you Ophiuchus or Sagittarius?

Dori, Sharyn, My Birthday was last Saturday. Happy Birthday to you both!

Glad, My younger brother has had several Rav 4's. 4 Runner is the bigger model isn't it. He loves them. Congratulations! Buying a new car is fun.

Happy Birthday Dori! Mine is fast approaching too. Sagittarians rock!

Congrats on the new car Glad! Sounds great.

The full moon....
The mailman was here today, I saw him drive up, put some mail in the box as I stood on the porch.
Later, when I went out with the key to get the mail, there was nothing there!

There will be 3 consecutive full moons, called Supermoons on Dec. 3, January 1, and January 31. The last one will be a Supermoon and a lunar eclipse! (A lunar eclipse is when the moon gets darkened by the earth's shadow.)

Happy Birthday Dorianne!  And for all those birthdays in December, here is your birthday and christmas presents combined into one!  ha ha ha, lol. Bwah ha ha, your whole life long!

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Bookluvr,  Thanks, but Chris started it!


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Happy bday, Dori. Hope you were able to do something fun for yourself. Today is ts2's bday too. Sent her a card.

Golden hope the cataract surgery goes well.

Sharyn, those younguns are full of energy aren't they! And all day?! Not at all surprising you are whipped!

Bought a new car today, 4runner have wanted one for many years!

It goes both ways for messy bathrooms regarding gender. Retail bathrooms get hit hard by both. It is a shame when employees have to use the bathroom the general public uses. Some stores I’ve worked at had employee bathrooms.

Long day, had the boys from 7-5 today, ugh! I did get away for a couple hours to get a little Christmas shopping done. Both hubs and I are beat tonight.

Golden, I hope the job works out for R. I hope the week goes well for you regarding the surgery.

Have a good night everyone.

I worked with male college athletes for about 9 years. Most of my time was spent in buildings without a ladies restroom. I found them very clean. One of guys would always stand outside the door so that no one walked in on me. My own office was in the football complex. I shared a restroom/shower room with 9 coaches - never a problem. We had our own lockers and I kind of knew their practice schedules and office hours.

Golden, when I was age 19, visiting older sis in Hawaii, we were eating at a fast food restaurant. I drank too much soda and needed to go. The restroom at that time was only for one person at a time. I must have been bouncing on my feet waiting for my turn because the male employee told me that I can go ahead and use the men's restroom. It was clean, too. When I opened the door to exit, a man was standing waiting. He looked at me, he looked up at the sign over the door, and then looked at me. I recalled blushing from embarrassment - and fled without saying anything.

Send - I read your comment above on my Newsfeed and I broke up laughing so hard.  All that . . . . . . line spacing...  Hurt my upper chest muscle from all that jiggling. =)

Chris,
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Are you sure you weren't sleepwalkin again?

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So funny and thoughful of you to provide the warning, then pauses before we read.
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Have a great next bike ride!
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thx upset. We got here safely and not too late despite side trips in the city to find a place to fix R's cell phone. I have read that the next few months are particularly bad for stress, which will be hard on you and PJ. Running and walking are great ways to relieve stress. Hearing all the sad tales, seeing the dysfunction must be tough.

Book - you have so many allergies. Very tough to wind your way through them in terms of food and meds. Re rest rooms - Yuck, just yuck! Once, at the U of A, I walked into a men's bathroom by mistake. It was just as clean as the women's.

ali - hope that f.lux helps. My dd found it. So glad you got some sleep. Those of us from dysfun fams do "freak out" about things sooner than others do, and that makes life harder to handle and increases stress responses - freaking out about freaking out sort of thing. Anything we can learn to do to decrease our "over reactions" helps. Let go and let God helps me. You are making progress. I suspect the alcohol is not helping anything. For me, working on the lifestyle basics - diet, sleep habits, exercise, stress reduction, type of stuff pays off. Self care, not self indulgence, makes for long term benefits. Build in some enjoyment - however simple.

chris - no fun. I suspect your mother did it, but I think you have to wait and see if it becomes a pattern. Not a nice thing to wake up to at all!!!

dori - hope your leg/hip is getting better. Have you planned anything for your birthday" Not wanting to spend it with mum was a normal for me. I don't think it is awful, though the reasons for it may be. The return to the times when you were 14 is the very reason why hands-on caregiving of the abuser is not recommended for a person who been abused. Sometimes the "whys" of the source of a person's behaviour are not that helpful. Stress of any kind (e.g dialysis) will tend to make behaviour worse whether it is alcoholism or dementia or...  As sharyn and uset say, the behaviours are very individual. Sometimes a sweet person turns nasty, sometimes a a nasty person turns sweet, sometimes they retain their original personality. Despite the vascular dementia, mother is still mother, though somewhat subdued by meds.

Well, plans may have changed again. R's interview was very positive and if he gets it he is supposed to start next Wednesday. (That is not unusual with safety jobs. There was a fatality and that means they need more safety people stat!). They asked if that was OK and he mentioned my surgery Friday. They said they will call Monday. Then his cell phone crashed. Dd has a surgeon's appointment Friday, so I don't want to use her as a back up. Couldn't get a hold of middle son who is probably too busy at work anyway. Oldest son is recently unemployed with Sears closing, but he is in another city and doesn't drive. That leaves it to oldest grandson who is the city, working part time, and free that day, though he doesn't drive either. He is a sweetie. Friday is his birthday, and his answer was, though he hadn't intended to spend his day that way, it was a family emergency, so, of course he would. We discussed logistics, and he assured me he would call 911 if anything happened to me. I said I needed someone with me for the first day or so, if it was OK with him,  he could stay at the hotel, which has a hot tub, and I would take him out for some nice meals. He sounded quite pleased about that. So we have a back up plan in place. It will involve a lot of taxis, but it can work.

aside to guest - dgs is on new meds and it is making a huge difference. He is much more "with it" and communicative.

Meanwhile, I have developed a cold and need to get rid of it by next Friday. Should be able to do that.

Need some gratitude here - was very happy the last cataract surgery went as well as it did, and am anticipating that this one will too. Very thankful for family support too.