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Ali, have you been evaluated for chronic fatigue syndrome? And that old house is source of health problems. In absence of trust paying back money....what are you doing girl? We love you but you gotta love yourself.
My go to this week? “You will figure it out. I’m not available.”
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send - Can you be kinder to yourself? YES!, ali!!!!

Dorianne - sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't

upset - I wish. I would probably die from an allergic reaction. That would solve some things.
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A pizza at the door will cure almost anything.
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Gosh, this thread moves fast! I need to catch up before I can post....
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Ali,
Nothing whatever is wrong with you, imo.
Day two of the flu shot!
Four days away from the full moon!
Still, being a voice of common sense towards your fellow caregivers!

Can you be kinder to yourself? Stay up all night if you like, eat chocolate, have a friend come over for a short visit. Order Pizza out.

You can get through this! I am sure of it!

Go back to your real home, your apt!  imo.  To echo Cwillie, WTF?  World Trade Fiasco?
When to flyhome?  Winnie the Foo?  When Turtles  Fly?

Have the pizza delivered to the new (very old) apartment!
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I am so sorry for the bullying -physical and verbal/emotional you all have experienced. It surely is part of dysfunctional family dynamics and scars remain.

ali - it does not sound silly at all for you to speak of it now. I think you need to in order to heal. Part of grieving is fully accepting the pain. It doesn't surprise me that you are tired considering what you have been through and how you have felt for quite a while. Why on earth are you working at the old house especially when you aren't feeling well, but even if you were, you need to be spending your time and energy in your own concerns. My dd had a flu shot, and then got the bug that is going around and has been sick for a week. She rested as much as she could with a family to look after.
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Ali I've got to ask, WTF are you doing over at the old house, and why is whatever it was a priority over the other things you need to get done?
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Got my flu shot yesterday. Today I woke up late, did some work at old house, drove back up. It’s 7pm and I’m ready to DROP. I’m drinking coffee because I can’t drop, I have things to do!!! But I’m soooo painfully tired. And now my stomach hurts and I won’t sleep well because coffee. I need a better answer but I don’t know one. I wonder if a mild reaction to flu shot is making me feel extra bad today.
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I’m stupidly tired today and lately and for forever now. It’s a problem and I’m not at all sure what I’m going to do about it. Resting isn’t the answer... unless I want to rest 15 hours per day, and I can’t do that! Grr. I feel like my quality of life just isn’t there because I’m always fighting fatigue. Just whining.
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Ali, I don't know why men have to do that - particularly if it's their sister.
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Lu, my older bro did exact same thing to me. Around 13, he pointed at my face and mocked me because I have a raised mole on my cheek. I felt self conscious and embarrassed but I wouldn’t let him see that. One time I told him that his words about me were hurtful and he said for me to lighten up. He often made fun of me. He told me no guy would ever want me, I was too ugly... just mean stuff, and thing is looking back, I don’t know if he was trying to be manipulative, if he was just that cruel, or what his deal was! He was physically abusive if he wanted to be, and no one ever stopped him. I was his punching bag at will. He was a terrible brother. He wouldn’t allow that kind of behavior from his own kids now, thankfully. I honestly think my bro was a combo of bully + he was insecure. He liked it when he was best person in the room. He’s always been full of himself. Well... it’s just too bad because I was a mostly adoring younger sis until late high school when I’d had enough. I wanted to be friends with him but he was just too mean. Sounds silly to me to talk about this stuff from so long ago, but some of the patterns still remain. He will still crow about my perceived “bad” qualities to me. He likes doing that to me. 😠 Why do they ENJOY being jerks??
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Lucky, I think incidents from childhood stick with us forever. My brother died last summer and I can honestly say that up until about a month before he died he never changed. Neither did my mom. I'm 68 and I still remember all of his stunts.
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I'm sorry that happened to you Upsetsister.It is awful to not be believed.
My brother's words hurt sometimes more than being hit.They made fun of my weight and around age 13,I had some facial hair and we were sitting at the breakfast table and they both started singing at me"Lu's growing a mustache,Lu's growing a mustache" and I started crying,out of embarrassment and Mom told them to stop and they lied and said"We said Lu Brock"....In my 50's now,that's still as clear as a bell.It stung me to my core.
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Lucky, I know how you feel having a brother who bullies and lies to the parents. My brother once threw an encyclopedia at me. It cut the side my face/temple. My dad asked what happened. My brother said I fell and hit the side of a console TV. The book was laying on the floor and there was some blood on the corner. I showed my dad. My mom intervened and my brother was off the hook. I was told not to tell lies about my brother.
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Thx cw. Claiming attendant care for AL and full costs for NH was my understanding from the advisory site. She has a great tax accountant, so I will ask them, We are new at this too - she has been there less than 2 months, so there is no rush. But being prepared for next year would be novel and a good thing.
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upset - that was so disheartening - sense of entitlement again and the lauding of the golden child. Each of my children got at least one of those "letters" from mother - the ones which, in the latter days, I used to let sit on the little walnut chest by the front door until I had summoned up the gumption to open them. They did much to destroy their relationship with her. Once she called and referred to something in one of the letters, as of yet unopened. Oh my, she was incensed!!! If she had written something more positive I might have looked forward to opening them.

Just got a call from the NH, The last set of hearing aid batteries arrived safely! You know you are a caregiver when your day is made by a package of hearing aid batteries being delivered properly.

Glad the review went well, and "Yay" for you and PJ for the group work!!! Since the days of involvement in community meetings, I have found group dynamics interesting.
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Golden, mom just went in the NH this spring so I haven't had to file NH expenses yet. I was told by a local tax preparer that you can claim 100% of the cost, but I know the Rev Canada site says otherwise. I "think" you are only able to claim attendant costs when in AL but NH is treated differently. (Of course ask a dozen bureaucrats and get a dozen different answers.)
Since mom used to pay me for attendant care I found it better to claim the full amount as a medical expense, but one year I was sloppy and didn't double check and claimed both...an audit, then penalties and interest, what a headache :(
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Golden, My mother inserted herself into anything with my son and my grandchildren. None of us met her expectations, while my badbro and his family were perfect despite all indications to the contrary.

Peer review done for another three months. No problems.

Group dynamics are always consistent with a few variations. PJ is better than I am handling those who disrupt, so I let him if the situation is right.
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lucky - I am so sorry you had this ongoing bullying. Our sibs can manipulate our parents to save their own skins. My sis did, though "bruises" from her were emotional not physical. I am troubled that your parents didn't see the bruises and what was happening. My dd says I have a "mother bear" instinct to go after anything or anyone who threats my kids - and that would include another kid, though mine did not do that to one another. Our home life was far from "the Waltons", but that was more due to my choice of husbands, not due to the interactions between the kids.

cwillie Thank you for that information. Is claiming the NH a better deal?

What I got from Revenue Canada website was - "To claim these expenses, you need to include a detailed statement of the nursing home costs. Only the portion of your monthly bill used to pay attendant care salaries can be deducted. Rent and administration salaries are not eligible." and then from an advisory site "You are able to claim 100% of the costs paid to a nursing home or a long-term care facility if you have a CRA-approved DTC Certificate, or a letter from a qualified medical practitioner. Without them, you are unable to claim expenses paid to a nursing home or long-term care facility.

Can you comment on that? We have a case meeting at the NH soon and I will ask them about it and also check with mother's tax people.

upset - with regard to your time with your grands, you mentioned your mother criticizing you. That struck a note with me. Growing up and being made very aware that I was continually falling short of mother's expectations, and that while also seeing that my sister pretty well met her expectations was difficult. Thank goodness for my father who, despite his alcoholism, loved us unconditionally, though I believe my sister has had some issues related to him. My dad and I were "pals." My mother and my sister were allies in the family wars. But, without doubt, his nature was to love us both, and he was a gentle-man in every sense of the word. However, the family was very polarized. Overcoming the feelings of inadequacy due to the continual criticism from childhood on is the work of a lifetime. PJ sounds like a great group leader. It shows through in his family life too.

re the groups, it sounds a bit like classroom dynamics. It is hard to oust someone but necessary at times. Hope the training and reviewing sessions go well.
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Thanks Sharyn. PJ is a good therapist and group leader. He's very patient and a good listener. I got to know him when he was a University football coach. He was strict, but good with his players, good at gaining the confidence and respect of his players.
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Golden, It's been my experience in working with groups that there are a couple of people who are there to honestly seek help and improvements to their problem(s). There are those few that attend out of curiosity and they may or may not benefit. There are people there who think they're in charge of the group because they've attended other groups. Finally, there are those who come but they don't think they have any issues. Everything is someone else's fault. The goal as a facilitator is to keep they last two groups of people from taking over or disrupting everything. The other people will move at their own pace if the latter two don't throw things off the track.

This morning at the center three of us had the unpleasant task of telling one of the caregivers she was no longer allowed to participate. She had been told previously that her behavior would not be tolerated. She was disruptive, noncooperative, followed almost none of the centers rules and violated confidentiality rules. Unpleasant but necessary.

Today I'm off to conduct a training session and peer review for the state. Not my favorite thing, but a requirement. I would rather be reviewed than be the reviewer.

Everyone have a great day.
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Golden beware of the disability tax credit if you claim the NH as a medical expense, you can't claim both.
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Luckylu, ouch! How painful. I hope for you, your time around your brothers is very limited.

Upset, good for PJ doing this group. I’m sure he will be an awesome instructor.
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Yes,it did hurt Golden , and I was caring for Mother,so I sure didn't need the extra pain.
One of my brother's is huge at 6-4" and he never knew his own strength and I remember just walking by him,and he'd hit me and I'd cry and he would say it was just a tap to my parents but taps don't leave bruises I used to call "strawberries" that lasted days.
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Pam Z - Oh, to be a fly in the wall! Mother had several people ( friends, ex now) convinced she had heart disease and a host of other things. When mother was in geri psych hospital, one phoned me to update, and as she listed the conditions one by one, I was having trouble finding different ways to say No". Just plain "No", "Uh-uh", "Not really"... When it came to the heart disease and she said, "But she DOES have a heart condition," my answer was,"She has never been diagnosed nor treated for one." There was a stunned silence on the other end of the phone, the conversation essentially ended, and neither mother nor I ever heard from that lady again. Amazing the tales they spin to get attention.

upset - trying to control a narc???? That almost made me laugh but I know people try it. Sounds like he got off to a good start. It will take a while for some to open their eyes, and some may never. I am sure some are as dysfunctional as those they care for. It stands to reason. I think his group may be very valuable to some.

Oh lucky - that was not nice - real bullying in my eyes, and juvenile. I doubt they will change. Ouch, it must have hurt!!!
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I have a sad true story about my 2 dysfunctional brother's that are in their 60's.....They still burp and Toot and think it's funny and when Mom was still here,one of my brother's was here for a short visit and there was a dead mouse I asked him to pick up and as he did,he shoved the dead mouse at me and I slipped and fell and hit my shoulder and back on the chopblock and was bruised up for days after and he just thought that was so funny.I doubt if they'll ever grow up.
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Golden, PJ said the group was okay for a first session. One of his goals is to show participants that always being confrontational and trying to control the situation is not in going to work. He said very few people believed him and those who did, did so with some skepticism. He said he had no one who understood that sometimes the only option is to step away from a dysfunctional situation or a narcissist. But he thinks most people will come back. I've found in some of my groups that a few of the caregivers are just as dysfunctional as some of their family members. They love their families, but they are just as entrenched in their thinking they are right, as their family members are in the positions they take.
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My hubs went to the MC today with his dad and BIL for the semi annual meeting. They began by saying MIL has diabetes.. uhhh NOPE! Then she said she was level 4,, uh,,, NOPE.. then family asked if they had the right chart... It was apparently interesting from then on,,, Wish I had been off work to go along..LOL
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Boys will be boys!!! I will spare you all my stories.

glad - did you ever get any fabric? What a shame to have it sit there. Good luck with your presentation and hope Ming behaves~

mally - solution oriented - good phrase

upset -PJ is a good parent. How did the dysfun fam group go?

book - I would have done the same - stood my ground.

sharyn - another frog lover I love them too and would have wanted to save it!

veronica - not so keen on rats, alive or dead. One prof I had kept a large white lab rat as a pet. It was friendly, but didn't appeal to me at all.

Saw the eye gal today who did a very thorough job of checking my vision, and found that my prescription re the astigmatism has changed for the better - it is weaker. The other optometrist did a very cursory check of the astigmatism and didn't find any change. I know who am going to next time! So another new lens (for free) has been ordered and I will have to manage after the next surgery the best I can for a week or so. Distance will be OK, but reading will be a challenge for a while.

Mother is now eligible for a disability tax credit. I guess she is disabled!!!This is new this year apparently. More paperwork... sigh. Slowly getting the pile down and then along comes another thing. I guess that is life and why we take holidays away from home. What you don't see doesn't bother you!

Trying - haven't heard from you for a while. Hope all is as well as possible.

Everyone - have a good evening and take care of you!!!
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Sharyn you are right boys never do grow up especially when it comes to bodily image. That is fine many could do witha good grooming. The problem comes when they act out their younger desires!!!!!!!!!

I don't mind frogs either but a pair of my cousins once chased wee with a dead rat. My daughter says the pet rats are very friendly She inherited a pair from a friend who wsallergic and keeps them in he office. My grandson said if she brought them home he was leaving.
One nurses home I lived in had a shared wall with the lab in the medical school where they kept the rats. You could hear them through the wall.
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