The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Lol! We do discuss everything here! I think Buster wins! Glad, my hubby is 63 and he is still obsessed with bodily things. I don’t think boys out grow it. Some become more refined than others. Ha ha!

Book, I love frogs, I would have tried to save poor froggy from being thrown by the boys!

I have to admit, I prefer the farting contest than the boys trying to see how many times they make the girls scream by throwing the live frog at them. I remembered that in 6th grade. Or was it 5th grade? My female classmates all huddled together (except me because I was always the nerdy girl that was uncool to hang around with.) The boys would take turns throwing the frog at them, they scream and run off to another corner to huddle together. I was no fun. They took the frog and held it up close to my face. I just looked at the frog, without screaming or any emotion. So, they turned around and went after the screamers.

My brothers came up with much scarier stuff to scare us girls. Try walking and then suddenly a live lizard is dangling right in front of your face suddenly. Or baby sis peeing into a cup and trying to tell her competitor cousin (for mom's affections) that it's Mountain Dew. We have always grown suspicious when one of our siblings offer us something - with no strings attached. The first thing you say is: "You drink it first." or "You eat it first." Or having brothers trained their dogs and roosters to chase after us younger kids. They thought it was hilarious. I'm still terrified of dogs. Period... Farting sounds soooo tame! =)

Glad, I don't appreciate the boys "talent" either. PJ was not happy with them when he got home.

Hey guys, sometimes solution oriented people try to help, but are just clumsy (from someone who probably does that); not meaning to be critical or cruel.... lol.

And here we have barely had snow yet. In fact record breaking high of 78 degrees today. But, they are talking about snow for a bit tomorrow. Weather here is the strangest fall I can remember. It is usually summer to winter here, no fall to speak of.

The D, I can sure identify. Mom was chronic D as long as I can remember. Some accidents as long as I can remember. It was good training for her as she learned young to stomach being able to clean it up. It didn't become my job until caregiving. Just not safe for her to do, usually in the bathroom on tile floors.

Ts2 is working on estate. Mom had fabric and more fabric and more fabric from a home business she had. Jane Fonda was given one of mom's coats a number of years ago. Then mom's business took off like wildfire because of national media coverage. Mom did not know when to stop buying fabric so the basement at her house was just loaded with it.

Well, anyway, ts2 has been paying 500 a month to store the fabrics. I had asked for some two years ago. Well, dysfunction was functioning quite well at that Tim, she never responded. So, asked again a month ago, no response. Emailed her again, copied auntie dearest then ts2 responds "sorry I did not answer question about fabric when I responded". Ha saving face with AD. Good to be nearly done.

Fart contests? UGH. What is it with boys that think it is so funny? Never got it, never will.

Golden you can save those stories for a much later time.😕

Hope all are doing well. Have a presentation at a conference on Wednesday. First time such a large group. 😲 Ming will be spending the night alone for the first time tomorrow. She better be good!

Night all.

Golden, We watched part of the Grey Cup last evening. I think they were playing in Ottawa and the snow was terrible. We still haven't had much and not much cold. Glad you got your drive cleared.

((((((book))))) we were all so concerned for you, but some went overboard. I would not be surprised if, in your group on the island, there were others who were abused too. One can learn from looking back. It is a terrible cycle - the family secrets!!!

upset - each day is a new one and we can take different directions and make different choices. Hah - the statements from outsiders who don't have a clue. Compassion??? Sometimes I could only manage tolerance for short periods of time. 9 year old farting contest - takes me back to the good old days. I have a story or two, but I won't share them today.

sharyn - you tried hard with your sister then, finally had to accept how she is, Yes, narcs find fault.

dorianne - we all need validation for what we are and have been going through. It sure helps to share with others who understand and BTDT. In society there is so much emphasis on and concern for the senior and little for the caregiver. It is like we are invisible. I was just about a blithering idiot suffering from PTSD when mother was at her psychological worst. I mentioned it to her caseworker, who knew mother was difficult. She told me that part of their assessment process was to consider how hard it was on the caregiver. From then on a community psychiatrist set up geripsych hospitalization for mother and things began to get dealt with. Even then the geri psychs had to see a few of mother's episodes before they believed me. Nothing is wrong with you - you are dealing with too much. Whether it was physical, psychological, neglect, verbal - you were abused. I can barely tolerate being in mother's presence for an hour and then I need someone with me. We grow up with a very strange experience of "normal". (sharyn's list a few pages back about adult children of alcoholics). ACoA could help you as well as an Alz group. You did not start caregiving from a norm, you started with some big disadvantages from your childhood. When dementia starts in a person who has other mental health problems, those problems may get worse. Not all people with dementia become narcs. My ex mil was always a cool person. She had Alz for 20 years and never had difficult behaviours - never was narcissistic. My father got vascular dementia, but he was never a narc. Aaaargh to the sofa incident. Well done that you got her into depends tonight!

gershun - good for you! Yes, it is narc behaviour. I don't think you are lying about not being able to see her. It is for your self preservation and that's important. If you had a hair appointment, you would not feel guilty about saying you couldn't meet her then. Well, you have a permanent appointment with your self esteem and self preservation, which are far more important than your hair. So don't do anything that is going to drag you down. I wished I could have a good relationship with my sis too, but have had to accept that it isn't possible.

send -she wanted to be in control and jerk Gershun around.

Gave up on snow angels as the neighbour and boys turned up this evening with a small snow blower. I would rather pay them a few bucks and get it done on time. Snow angels don't have many volunteers, and I am sure there are many more needy than me. It snowed and snowed yesterday, and today, and some more forecast for the next few days then a break. But my driveway is clear for now. Yay!!!

They're here! They're here! Wheeee! Home support just buzzed. My favourite part of the day!

I could soooo win a farting contest, depending how many potatoes I had eaten.

I haven't been putting anything down for mom to sit on. There was a small afghan on the sofa, but of course afghans are full of holes. She has had a few accidents before, but none on the furniture - one (a month ago?) where she got poo on her bedroom carpet from having diarrhea and not making it to the bathroom in time. She's STUBBORNLY resisted wearing Depends. That's one of those discussions where she brings out the "nasty." Always insists Poise pads are just fine. I have been buying them bigger and bigger but there's only so much they can do. Plus I think they're made for pee?

I bought a package of Depends on my way to pick her up from dialysis tonight, and we just had "the talk." I was WAYYYY more gentle than I thought I could be, given how mad I've been lately. SO, she is going to get into her jammies and a Depends when home support comes (any minute now).

Two of the cushions are drying and I wrapped the 3rd in 2 big bedsheets for now. That's where she's sitting. I guess I will be buying some of those pads for sitting on, because I am NOT cleaning that sofa again. (Famous last words.) There WILL be spots. The couch cushions will have to be covered in a sheet or something, until I can get them properly cleaned.

Yes, I'm into the wine.

You guys are awesome. Thanks for being there. :-)

We do have cheery conversations don't we? Boys came home from school laughing. I asked what was so funny - they said Mark had won a farting contest at lunch. I guess that's an achievement at 9 years old.

There are washable pads that are cloth on one side, plastic on the other, they're waterproof, can be bought at medical supply stores or online. You can put those down where your mom is going to sit, Dorianne. If this is a one time only event - and seems like it is or why wouldn't you already have these in place, or why doesn't mom wear Depends - then I suppose you just clean it up. I'm sorry. I had protection pads on top of protection pads where my grandma would sit. And dad only did the explosive stuff once, due to too much laxative.

Upset, your mom's tendency to take laxatives sounds like my dad, but he has problems due to diverticulitis, I think. He was often constipated. I tried to get him switched over from laxatives and stool softeners to fiber supplements, but they bothered him a lot.  Who knows if he even took the right amount.  I just gave up at some point with trying to even him out, let him take what he wanted as long as there wasn't a mess all the time... and there wasn't.  

Oh, such fun stuff we talk about around here. ;-)

That's a good idea, cwillie. Thanks! I do have a wet/dry shop vac at my place but I haven't used it for wet yet. (Just got it last Christmas.)

On the plus side, this makes scooping the litter box seem less of a chore!

*leaves thread whistling "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life"*

You might want to invest in Little Green Machine, or if you have a wet/dry shop vac handy you can use some carpet and upholstery cleaner in a spay bottle and suck it up with the vac, that worked amazingly well for us.

Edit - I just remembered Freqflyer has mentioned that her father became lactose intolerant when he was older, that might be something to keep in mind.

Upsetsister, I think the problem is my mom refuses to eat properly. Cottage cheese, crackers, and junk. I think it was the cottage cheese. She ate an entire large container yesterday. (750 g...I think that's about 26 or so ounces.)

She complained of diarrhea last night so I gave her some Immodium. But if it's just cottage cheese going straight through her, I don't think Immodium is going to fix that.

I've scrubbed and scrubbed and I can't get it all off these frickin' couch cushions either. :-(

Dorianne, Do call. Has she had this problem previously? My Mom had an obsession with bowel movements. For no real reason she would take laxatives to the point of diarrhea and "accidents". A mess to say the least. Her doctor finally broke thru to her that it wasn't necessary to take all of those laxatives. But Mom did not have dementia.

I hate my mother. I just had to say that today. Right now, I just hate her.

I just looked up the number for the local Alzheimer's Society. I was planning to call today but s*** happened. (Literally - mom left s*** on the sofa). So I'll try tomorrow morning when she's in her deepest sleep and won't overhear me.

Dorianne, I think either Alanon or Alzheimer's Society would be a great assist for you. Alzheimer's Society usually have clinical social workers on staff and registered nurses. Perhaps speaking with one of them they would be able to steer you to the best group.

I know what you mean about outsiders and the telling you to be compassionate. It sounds great, but not always possible when you're spending 24/7 in the caregiver role.

Gershun,
You are right to try and protect your own peace from a narc sister.
Still, kinda leaves you unsettled doesn't it? Whatever did she really want anyway?

Well, I've gone back and forth with my narc sis about getting together and whenever I suggest the time or place it doesn't work so I told her maybe just forget it. If it's only about giving me a housewarming gift I don't know why it has to be so difficult and always on her terms but as others on here have stated, I guess that's quintessential narc behavior. On their terms.

I feel bad inside lying about not being able to see her but it's become about self-preservation for me. I don't want to feel that dank, empty feeling I usually feel after I've been with her. It's sad that it has come to this cause I have always wanted to be her friend but she makes that next to impossible. So be it.

@bookluvr & Upsetsister49 - I am only a noob, but I agree that this site has been the thing I've been missing in all this. With people talking about what they're really experiencing....for me right now, it's like when you've had a painfully knotted muscle, and suddenly the muscle springs loose....it's painful but in a different way, and it's also a relief.  All the books and articles only ever say:  just humour dementia people/old people/sick people, just be kind, find your compassion.  And then I almost bash my head, like, what's wrong with me that I find that so HARD?

I dunno if that makes sense.

How do you know the difference between narcissism and dementia? Is it that narcissism shows itself before dementia? Dementia already seems quite narcissistic, in the way that a teenager or a 3-year old is narcissistic. I don't know how to spot the difference.

Sharyn, Know exactly what you're talking about. The narc is always perfect and in their eyes you will always come up short.

Upset, you are so right about a narc wants their own way. My relationship with my sister was under her control. Where we went for dinner, etc. I always knew she was selfish, but I had hoped she was not like our mom. I learned the hard way she is a carbon copy. People in her life have to be perfect, if not, she will pick you apart. She, herself is far from perfect. On to better thoughts now!

Bookluvr, Your exactly right about "what's done is done". That's an important thing to always remember; it makes it easier to move on to a new day and to move forward with your life.

Bookluvr, Sometimes other people don't pick up on what is happening to someone else. And sometimes if they do, they're very critical.  For 10 years while I was going to three different graduate schools working on my three degrees in clinical psychology I was surrounded by psychologists and psychiatrists both in class and in my clinical practices. At the same time I was in a physically abusive marriage and I kept it hid for a long time. I talked to no one. Then I moved back to Ohio to care for my Mom the queen of narcs. She and my brother almost drove me over the edge. When I came on this site it gave me the impetus to pack up and leave. I didn't get rid of them completely but at least it wasn't in my face day in and day out.

Dys families cultivate an atmosphere all their own. A narc always wants it their way, they want to suck the air out of your space. One has to find the support they need to move on. I find peace with the supportive people on this site. Most have found their footing or they are trying to learn from the situations of others. It's a good place. 

Golden, looking back (which is never good because what’s done is done), I wished I could have found the caregiver support group early on. Here on island. I know that when I found this website, people were so critical of me for staying on. Due to our drastic cultural differences, they couldn’t understand why. They were very harsh to me. I remembered crying a lot, and feeling so hurt. Finding a support group on island, I would have had fellow caregivers of my cultural beliefs and less judgmental comments. Maybe not, too, because I would have been too ashamed to admit publicly that I was being abused. I don’t think I told my social worker, either. Terrible cycle, isn’t it? ... Sometimes I did feel the odd person out of our support group. Or like me, maybe they were not voicing their true home situation. That’s why I liked this site. I learned that there were others going through terrible experiences with no sugarcoating.

@Upsetsister49 - I do appreciate what you're saying about kidney disease being hard on you. And I've never been to ACOA, but I used to go to Al-Anon, when I was in my 20s. I have been thinking about going back, but I have been unsure if it's the right place for me, given this is a dementia/illness/old age issue. I've actually been waffling back and forth between that and joining the group through the Alzheimer's Society, but then with AS, I wonder if whether I'd fit there, either. So I've just been waffling and trying to figure out where I fit at all, really. :-/

@golden23 - I probably shouldn't have written that Mom had a hard time seeing that my life here mattered....what I mean is I had to push and push her to understand that I would have to give up my life here to provide more care when she started to need it, if she didn't move.

I'm still not sure she is a narcissist though, from the reading I've done. I'm sure her FATHER was one. Maybe she is borderline something. The woman I knew in between the drinking years and now was actually very thoughtful and sensitive. Although the truth is, I never spent more than a week with her at a time, so how would I know? She doesn't have any close friends, and calls herself a loner. Maybe she's just been hiding it. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore!

@bookluvr - Yes, I think the dementia had started before she moved here. She was very confused around the move itself, where she used to be an uber-organized person. And you do bring up something I worry about - my mom trying to replicate the relationship she had with my father. Because I actually look quite a lot like my father, especially as I get older. If I didn't have long hair and boobs....

And I really appreciate everyone's advice on documenting and maybe recording what's going on. I still have a flip phone, but I have been wanting to make the leap to a smart phone for awhile now. This might be the right time to do it.

It's funny, because I never think of the way I grew up as abusive. Mom never hit me or called me names. I would have said she was manipulative and neglectful, but not abusive. But I don't know anymore. I don't know anything anymore. Everything I thought I knew is up in the air for re-examination.

Anyway, I really appreciate everyone's thoughts and suggestions. I am not sure what I am going to do. Definitely I need some respite soon....

ali - sometimes I think they invite you in order to get a chance to bully you. This is one reason I have reduced contact, stopped staying with mother and sis and stopped having them stay at my house. Just don't need it. I decided that even though I had to put up with mother when I was young, there was no way my children had to. It was amazing how fast she calmed down that time when I said we were leaving. It shows they can if they want to. I was the whipping boy - the person she vented her anger and frustration on. It is enabling them to allow that to continue if you can stop it. They count on you blowing your top, because then they can say how unstable you are and blame it all on you. Your bro is a big jerk. Cut him off any way you can - walk away or hang up when he starts. My sis used to call me then have a go at me. They love it if you get defensive. One time she said, "I know I shouldn't say this, but..." and I cut her off saying, "Well, don't then". She didn't call me after that for about 12 years. It was lovely. The next time she got abusive, I stopped answering the phone. That was about 3 years ago and she hasn't called since. It is no fun for them if you don't play their game.

dorianne - You are very welcome. How frustrating!!! I have lost long posts too. I understand.

book - I don't know how you endured it for all those years. You are a very strong person. Wise words to dorianne.

upset - I am still amazed at your documenting skills. Good for you! Mother and sis deny things too.

send -"one's" finances? Hopefully not yours.

Well, another lost day here. I woke up to visit the washroom in the middle of the night, looked out the window and saw the most amazing sight. There were "pillars of light" in a greeny gold colour rising from ground level up to the skies. I have read about them but never seen them. Apparently they are rare and belong in the sun dog family of effects. Of course, I had to get a camera and it took a while to find the setting to get the best pic, during which time they had changed to pink and blue and were less startling, but nonetheless very interesting. By then, I was chilled to the bone from being outside, and further sleep was out of the question, so I wrapped myself in woolies and drank hot coffee. I have napped off and on all morning, and hope I wake up enough to at least put a load of laundry through. But it was worth it!

If LO is still alive you can go to APS. I was fortunate - I knew the president of Mom's bank and my younger brother was best friends with her broker. They both talked to my badbro about his mishandling of money. I got DPOA and POA. In the end Mom did most of damage herself by giving my brother and his family money. But they did a bunch of other stuff on their own. You can also contact the clerk of courts and report the abuses.

I played back the recordings numerous times to prove things they said. I played the memos for family members to prove what mom and brother did when they said mom and my brother wouldn't do those things. I also kept a daily of exactly what spent and thevreceipts. I also wrote down everything I did for Mom including mileage. 

I also had a nanny cam in my bedroom to prove that my niece went in while I wasn't at home. I took that to the sheriff's dept. At least then Mom had the locks changed. I also had a nanny cam hidden in a flower arrangement at the front door to show my brother and his family coming in when Mom and I went out. 

They never said a word about the recordings. My brother was too lazy to bother and Mom was too self absorbed and shortsighted to ask me not to.

If a person can no longer fight off the intrusions of a narc family member, where does one go for help to protect one's finances?

UpsetSister,
That sounds like a fine way to expose their lies.
Did playing it back to them end your ability to record them further?