The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Dorianne, Bookluvr discussed documenting. I used to leave my IPhone on sofa with thememo feature on. I would tape conversations between my Mom and brother, or when either one of them was on a rant against me. Then I would play them back when they insisted they had never said anything to me.

Dorianne, it sounds like your mom already had the dementia before she moved to your location. This is really going to become harder for you. My dad was very abusive to my brothers. According to my oldest brother, he did some terrible things to mom. I have completely no memory of those done to mom. I just remember how he would purposely get mom so very angry (like ABB's brother and cousin did to her), that she would pick up the huge knife and chase him... with him laughing and running to the bathroom. The whole time - just laughing and laughing.

As I was reading yours and then ABB's stories, I realized that when my brothers left home and bedridden mom was no longer fun to pick on, he turned to me as his new punching bag on my head/face. I saw his eyes, how he loved it - that I would jump in fear every time his hands made sudden movements. He always aimed for my head - no bruises to show. The violence from dad escalated. He started aiming for my face. One day, he tried to choke me.

I hope that your mom's slapping your hand is just that. Nothing like her trying to go back to the time her and your father had their 'normal' violent relationship. I hope she's not going to try to have you replace your father's role. I would also start documenting events. My dad would tell lies to everyone about what a bad daughter I was. You need to document things going on - in case your mom decides to be vindictive to you (or get back at you.) Just write things down as a journal. No need for lengthy details.

@golden23 and Upsetsister49 - I had a whole reply almost ready to post, and my laptop crashed! It's 1:30 AM now, so I will write more tomorrow. But for now, I want to say thank you for your support and thoughtful words. :-)

My SIL is much more even tempered and naturally kind than my bro. She's had a great influence on him, I can tell from watching their marriage over 20 years, watching how he's changed for the better instead of just becoming more of the snarky bully he truly enjoys being. What a gift a good partner is. He lucked out, he really did. :-D

I've had those holiday trips where I left the house I was supposed to stay in, that's happened to me, too. I can't imagine doing it with small children, but you handled it well to call it a "Surprise Trip to Hotel," Golden.

The bullies/meanies in my family are so nice when they invite you to stay, but then we get into it about who knows what... I'm sure they're unkind, because that's common for my cousin and older bro, and I'm sure I blew my top about it because that's common for me. I'm sick to death of family bullies and it was one thing when they were the older children growing up, but if they do it as an adult, I don't stand for it.  So I've left from cousin's and bro's and vowed to never stay there again. I won't stay at cousin's but bro is so preoccupied now, and more space in the house, so I stay out of the way with the kiddos and enjoy their company, hardly interact with bro. Several times in the past while staying with older bro he is horrible to me, going so far as to physically abuse me. They've both, cousin and bro, mellowed with age, and I'm sure I have, too, insomuch that I don't react with the same level of intolerance to whatever shite thing they say to me. Now, I feel more comfortable in my own skin, and they can say whatever they want to, it doesn't bother me nearly as bad as it used to. But... they do both still say very unkind and demeaning things. They think it's hilarious to act like that. -_- THEY THINK IT'S HILARIOUS TO BULLY ME. I just thought about that. It's literally sport for them at holidays. :-( They're so cruel, both of them. I can't relate to that. I'm not the kindest person, I get angry about things in my family, but I don't seek to pick on someone, ESPECIALLY about something that is a trauma to them. E.g., my bro loves to joke that I "lost my mind" during the mold illness, when I couldn't talk very well and had no idea what was going on with me, and was going to doctors trying to sort it out. He makes jokes about how funny it was that I was in bed and couldn't get up. He would never be sick like that, of course not, so it's hilarious to him to make fun of me.

Ok, now I'm just mad at my brother for being a big jerk lol. I'm going to eat my food and try to sleep. It's 2:45am here. I'm so busy lately, trying to get everything tended to. :-)

Dorianne, I'm sorry your going thru all of this. Golden has touched on most everything. I would also add that kidney disease and to an even greater extent dialysis are both mentally rough. I know that I reach points where I resent the diet, the fluid restrictions and everything else. I get depressed. I'm 68 and it's hard for me to accept the thought of dialysis. Before I got married I would go thru periods where I didn't take my meds correctly. With your mom a recovering alcoholic it's just that much harder. With all of the difficulties your going thru, counseling would be helpful. Another possible aid for you would be Adult Children of Alcoholics. They have meetings in many communities and some online aids. They also have excellent reading resource lists. I have a good friend who has attended for years especially when she took care of her parents both with Alzheimer's. The meetings are usually free and they are completely confidential.

gershun - I remember about your sister as I have a narc sis too. I don't think they change, so any interaction can revert back to the old games. My view is if you are feeling red flags go up due to the rescheduling, it probably is for a good reason. I would tend to be proactive and suggest a couple of dates which suit you and let her choose one. If that doesn't work, maybe try one more date then suggest she wait until you plan a gathering. I know you have been ill with mono so you have every reason to be in charge of your own time. Good luck.

Gershun, I kind of agree with your friend. Stringing along is kind of narc. I would be asking myself what she really wants. You have to protect yourself first.

(((((dorianne))))))) no need to apologize for long posts. many of us do them. After reading through what you have written, there is no doubt that you have been through a very rough time and been abused by your mother. I am very glad your dad got sober and you had a good step mum. I am sure that has made a huge difference in your life. Doing hands on care for a parent who has abused you is extremely challenging and not in your best interests. A psychologist, Pauline Boss, recommends against it, and suggests , if anything, care giving at arm's length.The memories of the abuse can be triggered so easily. Some addicts do recover to the point of having more normal personalities and some are just dry drunks. I have known both. I also know the feeling of having my eyes opened to abuse I have lived with. I think that denial is a protective mechanism when you are in the middle of it. You say you don't think your mum is a narc. Not all alcoholics nor Alz patients are. I do think she is, if your life mattered little to her when she was resisting a move. Your mum has many problems Alz broken brain, alcoholic personality, probably narcissism, and health issues as well as being abusive to you in the past. You are finding it hard to cope with this, which is hardly surprising. I am glad you recognize that you were trying to "save her" and hope you have given up on that.

Where to go from here?

Your mum is not going to get better and her needs will become greater and her behaviour probably worse. Are you prepared/ able to cope with that?

I do think you need some time/space to reorient yourself in terms of your "awakening" to who your mum is. You probably are facing her realities much more than you were. I agree she probably does not know you and likely never will. That has been one of my themes -my narc mother and sis do not know me They have constructed a person which suits them.

I think you aso need to consider whether or not you can continue caring for your mum in the manner you have been, as it is seriously negatively affecting your life. Your life matters too - not just your mum's care.

Can you arrange some respite or counselling for yourself to work on detaching and re assessing your situation?

I love the quote by Paulo Coelho - “When you say 'yes' to others, make sure you're not saying 'no' to yourself.”

The secret when helping others is to do no harm to yourself.

Come and vent anytime. We understand. (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

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So, I have something I'd like to run by you guys. I don't know if any of you recall me discussing my narc sis who has treated me like her peon all my life. Examples: too numerous to mention. But trust me when I say she is a narc.

So, January the clan got together to divvy up the spoils, ie. my Mom's estate. Narc sis was the executor of the will so she was in her element, lording it over us all. I basically reached my limit at that point. A couple of mths. later I sent her an e-mail stating as such. Probably only the second time in my 56 years on earth that I ever stood up to her. We ended it on an okay note I guess.

Fast forward to today. My Hubs and I have recently moved to a new place. I received an e-mail from her the other day saying she had a housewarming present and could we get together this coming Monday. I hesitated but then agreed. Now, she has already rescheduled. My first thought was here we go again. Let's string little sis along and cancel and reschedule and see if little sis will capitulate to my will AGAIN.

A good friend told me that if I want people to see my place I am the one who should be doing the inviting and setting the time etc. and to beware of narcs bearing gifts. I agree with her but am interested in what you all think.

[Edited to add:  this is long and I'm sorry about that.  If this belongs in a different thread, please tell me, I won't be offended!]

I have been wanting to come in this thread since I joined the forum, but I've been putting it off....mostly because....oh my god, explaining family is such a LOOOOOONG story, isn't it? Most times I look at the thread, want to say something, and then decide I don't have the energy to talk about my dumb family.

Except it's kind of in my face this week. My mom is being an a******. A total a******. And her behaviour towards me is making me re-think everything I thought I knew about my family.

My mom is 79 and has end stage renal disease, depression, and some dementia. She is an alcoholic. She's been sober since I was 17 (I'll be 49 next month). But a recovering alcoholic is still an alcoholic, and she would've said so first. She thinks she drank all those years because of depression. She also took tranquillizers for a period of time, and once tried to kill herself by overdosing.

The thing about her personality right now is it's a lot like her alcoholic personality. It's only partly dementia. It's also partly from being so sick - there is a lot of stuff she is aware of, and remembers.

Her alcoholic personality is combative, contemptuous, and dismissive towards me. She's kind of like a 4-year old in the tired, cranky, whiny, lashing out phase. She's childish. And mean. She's MEAN, god help me. And the thing about a 4-year old is you can physically pick them up and put them in a time out. But my mom is fully aware that she's an adult, and that she's my mother. She even tries to pull the "authority card" on me sometimes, but she sounds like an angry 4-year old when she does it, if that makes sense.

The only real difference between when she was drinking and now, is that sometimes, she is not fully aware that *I'M* an adult now.

I don't think she's a narcissist - maybe a little, but in the self-absorbed, self-pitying sense that can come with depression and anxiety. I guess the thing is, I am realizing....I don't think I really know her.

Mom got sober when I was 17, but I was 15 when I went to live with my dad and stepmom. (Because I couldn't take my mom anymore.) I went back and forth between parents for about a year after high school, figuring out my life. I lived in a whole different part of the country from everyone for 5 years, but eventually landed back in the same town as my dad and stepmom. I built my life nearby them. Both dad and stepmom are gone now.

About 2.5 years ago, I convinced my mom to move here, so that I wouldn't have to give up my life here to care for her. It was a hard sell - she had a hard time seeing that my life here mattered enough to make the move.

It's funny, I was really happy until she moved here. I really don't know what happened to me since then. It changed a lot about living here for me.

Then last winter she started getting more sick and confused and depressed. She was falling all the time, not managing home dialysis, not paying the bills, not taking her meds properly, not eating properly, etc. She was sleeping almost all the time. She was not managing her life anymore. She was lying to me and medical staff about how bad it was. I had to intervene and get her better medical help. I had to force her to accept home support. And by June, I was staying here in her apartment. I've sort of sublet my apartment in the meantime (because it's the only "safe" home I've ever known, and I've been there so long it's cheap, so I'm not giving it up).

In the beginning - I was trying to save her life, you know? I stepped in and started managing her life for her, got her on a different kind of dialysis, under the care of nurses. After a hard summer where I gave up a lot to care for her (thinking she was dying), she is finally starting to do a little better. She is more aware, not as sick, and rarely has a fall.

But she still can't live on her own. She's a cigarette-smoking fire hazzard. She doesn't eat well at all. She can't even work the microwave half the time. She doesn't know if the bills are paid or not. She doesn't know what day it is, sometimes she doesn't know whether it's day or night, even if she looks out the window. She takes the wrong meds if I don't monitor them, even though they are in a blister pack. She is confused, sometimes dazed, and she is bleeping NASTY sometimes.

It's the nastiness that's getting to me. I think I could handle all of it if she weren't so bleeping nasty. Contemptuous. Combative. Dismissive of my concerns, even the health and safety ones. She just does everything she can think of to try to provoke me into doing something....I don't know what. Maybe she expects me to turn violent? And I won't, I don't, that's not who I am. But she pokes hard and pokes mean.

My parents split up because they were both alcoholics who got violent with each other. They fought often. Up until now, I saw this through a different lens. I thought dad was the abuser and mom was the victim. But they were violent with each other, and now I finally have to admit it. My mother was just as likely to pull a knife from a drawer and threaten my father with it. She started it at least as often as he did. Possibly more often.

It's not that I would ever justify my father's violence But I have been justifying my mother's violence for years. I'm actually even starting to have a little empathy for my father. Because my mother provokes, she pushes, she prods - she actually slapped my hand the other day, when I was trying to give her diarrhea medication. And I thought, "Is this the start of the violence?" Because I can't be pushed into participating in it. And I'm not sticking around to take it.

Dad met my stepmom when I was 12. He was never violent to her. My stepmom was a better mom to me. That's the truth. She was tough, but loving. Dad tried treatment a bunch of times and finally got totally sober when I was 19. I guess I chose them, in a way, when I chose to settle here. I got some counseling and learned some things and settled down to have a career and a happy life.

Maybe as much as I don't know who my mother really is, she doesn't know who I really am. It's not that I don't love her. We've had a good relationship for 30 years now. From a distance. All I know is I was happy here, until she came.

This is soooooo long. And I'm so sorry. I have been trying to process this s*** for a few days now. Maybe a few weeks. Maybe the whole time she's been here. I don't know. This week, I'm questioning everything about my family, everything I thought I knew about my mother. Maybe if I can get it out here, then I won't be as likely to react to my mother and make it worse. I need to detach from her and figure out my s***.

Glad, We always had a Siamese growing up. We also had Christmas trees turned over, trees stripped of all bulbs, etc. if we had a real tree, we had one cat that ate pine needles and drank the water out of the stand. But I liked the cats anyway.

upset - Happy Birthday!!!! Hope family spoils you.

glad - Ming will settle down but it will take a while. Dd has several cats that liked Christmas trees. One would climb into it and poke her head out periodically  - looked very cute, but knocked ornaments off. Another one stayed underneath but ate the light bulbs. When dd told me that I didn't believe it, until I visited and heard a "crunch" from under the tree. He took the bulb in his mouth and bit down on it till it broke. Thankfully he didn't swallow any of it. Very strange cat! Of course there were the tales of cats eating tinsel in the days we used that.

sharyn - you are going to miss your old home state for a while, I am sure. I need to be near trees. Good that the puppies are behaving.

stacey  - I am still concerned about you too.

ali  - how are you?

I find it strange being concerned about mother fending for herself. Apart from her problems, she has been a very good advocate for herself all these years. She fussed about things that some people would not fuss about, but that was her and I tried to stay out if it. I guess part of it is accepting the decline. One's role as a caretaker changes.  Her first case meeting is scheduled a couple of days before my eye surgery so that works well.

I have released myself from getting the house ready for sale for next year. At my age ,it is just too much on top of all I have been through the past 18 months. I will slowly continue to get rid of things I don't need, but without a deadline. I am taking some time out. We are still thinking of a condo if we can swing it. It would be nice to spend more time together, as well as being closer to mother. Funny, as much as I dread winters here, I was dreading the pressure of getting the house ready for sale more.

Here's to the little mysteries of life  - mother's hearing aide batteries went somewhere, but no one knows where. I ordered new ones. These better not get lost!!!

Hope all those turkey tummies are recovering.

Stacey, take care of your health, slow down now that your caregiving days are behind you.

Glad, Siamese cats are a bit more energetic than the tabby. My Siamese played fetch with a little toy mouse. I have never had a cat climb a tree, but they do love to sleep under them. So far buster is behaving around the tree, mostly ignoring it and Rusty too.

Upset, enjoy the rest of your vacation with family. I got homesick yesterday after facing timing with my dd in California. Seeing the forest around her, oh my Sierra Nevadas! Now I feel like John Muir, lol!,

Golden, putting up a tree for Ming? Not a chance she would be all over it. And I would be the one ready to climb it. She is truly a kitten and to think the first five days all she did was lay on my lap and purr. That poor sick little thing is just a memory. It would be nice if she would settle down a bit. I have not had a kitten in thirty years now.

Upset, funny the surprise was spoiled. Those youngsters feel so knowledgeable to know a secret and share. Ahhh, the honesty of youth. Have a happy birthday party tomorrow.

Stacey, so exciting so much new! Take it easy on yourself putting it all back.

upset - sounds like you had a wonderful time So cute about your grandson. Early Happy Birthday in case I forget tomorrow. The lens is a PITA. She did say if there has been an error I will not have to pay for a new lens, but that does not take away from the inconvenience. Good for PJ for tackling that new group. I am sure it will be very valuable for the participants. You are not buying the house down the street??? lol So glad you had a good time with them. I know how the dysfunction can spoil holidays and visits. Oh the stories.... Once when we all were visiting my parents, and mother started in at me after the kids had been put to bed, I told hub we were leaving , woke the kids up and said "Surprise -we are going to a hotel." They thought it was fun. We packed up and left in a cab in record time, refusing even the offer of a car ride to the hotel by mother. Wasn't the last time plans changed suddenly.

Golden, That's terrible about the lens. Mom went thru the same thing after her cataract surgery. I am still on vacation. We fly back Sunday afternoon. It's been a good trip. There is a house on my son's street that is for sale. My youngest grandson thinks I should buy it. I don't think so.

Hope everyone had a good day yesterday.

stacey - glad your health has not been too affected, but I would say that you need to take care of yourself now. Your renos sound great! Hope the family get togethers were good.

upset - still holidaying??? Glad it is going so well.

sharyn - a tree!!! Wow, the boys will be impressed - the dogs too it seems. lol

glad - will you put up a tree for Ming to play in?

duck - hope you have some good meals with friends

east - hope you had a good time with your daughter

to all the new people - sometimes tough times means we have to get tough in setting limits so other people don't walk all over us, and we get resentful. BTDT, got the t shirt, don't wear it any more.

Got the new lens for my glasses and I don't think he corrected for the astigmatism. The girl I saw a couple of weeks ago mumbled something about it and I should have questioned her. The girl today asked if I wanted to see the other optometrist, so I have an appointment for next week with her. Bummer, as if she can get me a better prescription, it will not be ready before I have to go south and relying on this lens is a stretch. I can barely read with my right eye. In fact, I see better with the left eye that still needs surgery. it took a good week for my eye to recover from the surgery last time so I will be struggling to read that week. Thank goodness you can magnify print on the computer. Oh well. As long as I don't drive it isn't life threatening. lol

Since I was in the mall and saw some cute onesies I thought I would do some Christmas shopping for dgd, but none in her colours and size. I tried! They look like a great idea for a cold night.

At the suggestion of the CFIA (Canada Food Inspection Agency) gal, I did a little experiment to see if the foreign material in the soda could have been a capsule I take. Not a chance. The capsules I put in the soda are still floating 24hrs later and in their roughly original shape. The stuff I found was two pieces of whatever at the bottom of the bottle about 15 hrs after the bottle was opened. Not the same at all. It would have been a comforting solution.

Take care all. Be good to you.

Back at my son's home. Finished with Disneyland. We had a very nice time. It was nice to spend time with my son and kids. It's something I have had very few chances to do - mostly because of my Mom and her neverending need to be the center of attention.

 Monday and back to work will come all too soon. PJ has a new group starting at a local center. It's for adults who have grown up in dysfunctional families and how to break the cycle. How to look at their own behavior and how it has been shaped by dysfunction. What they can do to not react negatively when they encounter or interact with dysfunctional family members. Should be interesting. 

I hope everyone has had a nice holiday. Tomorrow's my birthday. I'm having a surprise party. My 4-yr-old grandson told me all about the party. When he finished he said "oh no, I told you the surprise".

Not a tree already, Sharyn! I am sure the grands will love it though. Hopefully Buster won't use it for what he usually uses trees for.

Has everyone recovered from over indulging from eating? I hope the holiday went well for those who got together with family.

We got our tree up ( yes, early for us). We want to see how Buster will behave before we decorate it. Poor Rusty, when he saw the tree, he took off the other direction barking, lol!

I just posted a private msg that bought tears to my eyes.
I just want to say that it is so moving the way the wisdom and help getts through to us. I have learned so much from certain people, certain posts. I cant ever forget how this site has helped me and that is the truth. One more thing for me to be thankful for. And to all the new commers, hang in there someone or more will really trully touch that part in you that will open up better understanding and perspective. Hang in there, there is help to be found somewhere in this site. There are some awesome, wise people out there with expertise or just natural grace who's words will put a spark in your heart. Give you hope, lead you in a better direction, Change your perspective, or just giveplain old hard truth and love.

Gobble, Gobble!! I sure hope everyone had or is having a lovely blessed day.
I thought I would have a really hard time of it. First time away from my son in many many years. Chatting and seeing grands and daughter in law and my son was very uplifting. The middle grand can talllllkkkkkk. I was flattered. Kinda of reminded me of my self, my father used to say he know my mouth be glad when I go to sleep. the oldest is still a tad aloof and the baby girl, the baby girl is growing so lovely.
Also touched base with family in other states. the love was uplifting. I have a few to reach out to whom I have lost touch with.
Anyways I always end up seeing I have so much to be thankful for by the end of thanksgiving day. I was a tad sad that nothing goes on with this family. Been a while, I am still mourning that because it meant so much to me. I will most likely have a dinner and invite my mothers buddies over next week. The auntie she who helps out and a gentleman next door, who has always done work around the house, and outside for the blocks, he still comes by to check on her. I want to show my appreciation also.

God Bless You All. Rays of love, peace and happiness to all.

Sissiu, I've been thru similar dinners. I can tell you no matter what you do, how much you do, you can never please a narcissist. They are what they are and they never change. It's good that you don't live close to your mother and brother. I would maintain that distance. Do you ever travel? Perhaps your next trip could be over a holiday instead of spending at your Mom's. Narcissistic people will always use FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) to try to manipulate you to their wishes. Good luck with the decorating. I've done Christmas decorating for my perfectionist mother in the past. Not always a successful venture.

Sisisu, why do you feel the need to have a relationship with your mother?

Well, today hasn't been great. I had to make the entire dinner, on my feet since 7:30 a.m., being told don't forget this or that - I'd already had everything under control. I tried a new recipe (highly rated all over the internet and from friends) for one of the meat dishes. Yes, we have to have two. I spent a lot of time getting everything together. Brother swoops in about 30 min before I had everything done. Wanted to start carving the one meat dish (new recipe). Called for it to rest for at least 20 minutes, and surprisingly, Mom told him to back off. So he got ticked off I guess. I did ask him to come and carve it once I had 3 other dishes I was finishing. He's eating away (at least 1.5 helpings) and I asked how is it? Oh it tastes weird. Made a face. Now, I had a piece and it was moist and I didn't taste much in the way of seasonings, just moist meat. Of course, Mom jumps on the bandwagon and says oh maybe something's wrong with that brand, I should've gotten a better name brand. It went to an awkward silence, and I tried to keep the tears from coming. I honestly got sick to my stomach. Nothing really said about oh what a nice meal; one comment from Mom about the stuffing, but it's her "recipe". Basically, it's what she learned from her mother. I made the damned dish. Brother then made a big to do about eating meat dish two, oh you might want to try this one Mom (bite me). Then grabbed more of meat dish one, adding gravy, because it tasted so bad. Oh, and the prepared items (the canned gravy, etc) were all so good. Again, bite me. So I ate what was on my plate and went into the restroom. I then went into the guest bedroom and crawled under the covers. I think they both knew they'd really hurt my feelings or I wasn't feeling well - both true.
I came back out and brother did clear the table, put leftovers away, but he's a neat freak so not a surprise. The deal was he and Mom, when she was more mobile, ran the holiday dinners. I now do it all, and it drives him nuts. He would share the kitchen with Mom, but never with me. All of the dishes and pans were stacked up, for me to wash. Thanks. Like he couldn't have stepped up and washed dishes. I just sighed and washed, dried, and put it all away. Of course, I had to haul it all out and set the table, get a holiday tablecloth out, etc. I am bushed.
He decided to go home (he lives within 5 miles away, so a 15 minute drive max), as he usually does on holidays. He always comes back at night for a supper of leftovers. Mom asked if he was coming back later, to which he said "we'll see". While I don't actually blame him, what a cop out. He's left me in the lurch; now Mom is on the verge of a horrible mood or yelling session. She'll direct all her wrath at me, it'll be all my fault. I asked should I warm up the food. She shrugged her shoulders, back to napping in her chair. He's not coming back as it's after 7 p.m.
He also was to put out some Christmas decorations and move furniture. Now it's all on me to get it done. He's done that before. One year, I grabbed the outside decorations, thinking I'd shame him into helping. Nope. Sat on the sofa while I dragged everything outside. I'm sure he's all disgruntled as he lives locally, and runs her around town and does small errands. He never comes over to her house for a meal nor does he spend any time visiting her. He just comes and fetches her, go to the grocery, then maybe will stop for an early dinner (fast food type places). He also picks her up for church, which she says a lot of the time on the car rides he doesn't say one word to her. While I get frustrated, I do carry on a conversation with her, and spend at least 1 hour per day on the phone with her. He does the bare minimum at times, which I get, but then don't act like you're Peter Perfect and do so much.
All I keep thinking is today is Thursday, soon to be Friday. Get thru Friday and decorating, plus doing Mom's hair (sigh), then I can feign sickness on Saturday. Saturday will be rough as football rivalry game pits my alma mater against Brother's alma mater. Mom loves the school brother went to, and despises my school (of course). If I dare cheer for my school, I get the response of oh you never cheer for them, now you want to cheer, that school is so cocky, so rotten. So if I act sick, I don't have to be with the two as they go to church later in the day. If "their" school loses, impossible to be around, and if they win, almost as bad. It's just so silly. The thing is, I have a much better job than brother, while he has basically squandered his degrees (wish I could've gone back to get advanced degrees but he couldn't get a job in what his major was - as Mom said he HAD to go back to school). I worked low paying mediocre jobs and was told it's my own fault that I couldn't get a job. She encouraged me to move away, I think disappointed that I was working some lowly job. Now, she's all upset that I do live away. She's recently got into the mode of did I ever think of doing that as a career (last night it was tv/media reporter). Never really interested in what I took in school, except to tell me I could NOT take any music or drama classes, as I had to get a job, and she wasn't supporting me the rest of my life. Now, she's thinking that we're both failures as we don't have showy jobs, nothing she can brag about basically. I can't compete with a friend of hers who has sons who have second homes in Florida, take trips to Austrailia, Europe, cruises, etc. I am self sufficient and do not have to worry about money, but it's not enough.
Can Sunday be here already??
Thanks for all the warm welcomes!

Sooo, no kitchen, no furniture, still no carpet in the living room. Does that mean you have to spend all your time in the bedroom? 😜

Hi All, well, my heart tests are in and nothing serious, I did wear a 49 hour holster monitor which showed a couple of short runs of SVT (supraventricular tachycardia), which in themselves aren't to worrisome,  and the stress echocardiogram showed that my heart beats to hard and fast, so my Cardiologist is upping my beta-blocker to twice a day, which should help,  and that's it! Other than that, it time to start focusing on me, start getting off some pounds, eat right and get healthier. That is definitely my plan going forward, New Years resolutions and all  Yea!

Hubby brother has called only once since hubby has been back, but we did not answer the phone,  as hubby has nothing to say to him, and we're fine with that decision for now. We've too much going on to give him any energy!

My house is completely torn up, as the new carpet is being installed, only to find out that we're 15 feet too short on our order, so hallways and family room are completed and look lovely,  but we wait for the additional carpet to arrive on Tuesday,  and finnish the living room. We got rid of all the old furniture but one recliner, and that too will go, when the new furniture arrives, So Excited!  

The vinyl is down in the kitchen,  but the glue still needs to dry, before putting the appliances back in (new stove comes on the 30th), so they are in my hallway, that will be finished on Friday. Then, my furniture for for family and living room arrives on the 27th,  so it's a total cluster***k! It will be beautiful when it's all done,  hopefully by December 1st! I can't wait to put it all back together!  

We will spend tomorrow celebrating Thanksgiving at Dd's house (Friday), that way the kids can all see their in-laws and families,  that way there's not so much chaos, which works great for us this year especially with all this mess, and we are looking forward to seeing all our kids and Grandies in one place! All I've got to bring is the pies and whipping cream, so easy-peasy! 

Wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving!  Hope it's as stress free as possible and Super Fun! Take Care All!

Sisisu welcome! Your mom sounds toxic, and mentally ill. There is a long thread on here " is it normal she's so negative?" It would be instructive reading for you. Happy Thanksgiving!

Dragonfly52, Welcome to the thread. You are in a difficult situation and if your grandmother has medical problems she probably needs to be in Assisted Living. Does she have adequate means to pay for this housing? Does anyone have Power of Attorney to handle her money? You need to talk with her about these things if she does not have dementia. Ask questions here on AC. There are many people on AC with a wealth of experience.