notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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I get your point, but I don't think that I'd ever say the abuser hurts worse than the victim. To me, that's almost a more covert way of saying what my abuser said to me, that their abuse which caused mine hurt them worse than my experience of their abuse of me which they excuse on their past, as heard in their saying that they could not help it, but they knew it would create a lifetime of pain for me.
We must each take responsibility for our own choices instead of living as an eternal victim which excuses us from personal accountability, keeps us glued to the past, and never allows us to be free in the present or the future.
Yes, abusive people hurt as do those they abuse. However, it is not up to the abused to heal the abusers. The abusers need to take responsibility for themselves and find healing for themselves.
Sorry about preaching to the choir, but I am on a roll tonight and will calm down.
I read that over a few times & feel it's wisdom.
I'm glad to have closure on a statement from a person who hurt me deeply a long, long time ago. No therapist has been able to decode this, but now I know. It never struck me as an ok statement; my reaction was shock and I shut down. Here's the clarifying closer via a retired pastor friend. "Their speech was a standard denial of responsibility often offered by abusers who have been abused."
I wish that were possible, but I don't remember back that far to before I was 10.
“Un-drama yourself. Be who you were before all that drama happened which distracted you from who you really are and what you really want for your life.”
"I can't keep calm, my family is crazy."
"A toxic person only changes their victims, never themselves."
🥚🥚🍳🍳
“Your life may feel like it’s scrambled, but take it in stride and everything will go over easy.”
“Families tend to cater to the most dysfunctional person in the family as a way to keep the peace.”
"Not only are you right, I wish I was smart enough to take your advice."
"I love animals. When's the last time you were loved just for walking through a door? Dogs do this all the time."
"People who eat loads of food and never gain weight, I hate you."
“It’s better to be disowned, than to be owned.”
"Please don't disturb my peace if you're at war with yourself."
"Replacing my heart with another liver so I can drink more and care less."
“Keep calm and carry a wand.”
“Never let others dull your sparkle.”
Maybe take a look at each med and observe whether they’re adding to the problem.
Also how we feel during the day depends a lot on what kind of people surround us. As caregivers, we’re often stuck spending lots of time with very negative, difficult LOs.
Yesterday, I wrote to my sleep doctor via MyChart.
“I'm not doing better. I only slept for 5 hours last night and it was a major struggle to get out of bed to get to the bathroom. I ate breakfast, took my meds, and went back to bed. I got up to go to a wound doctor appointment and when I got home, went straight to bed. Hours later, I went out to pick up some take-outs. For some reason, I missed the turn to go in front of the sign where you order and went into the area behind it where the back door is. When I got home, I was ready to order groceries online, but could not find the flyers. I looked and looked. Finally, I went to my car and they were in the front seat. I don't even remember taking them out there. Furthermore, my balance has been poor. ”
Today, my sleep doctor called me in response. He said that I am sleep deprived plus have other issues that require a neurologist which I told him that I already have an appointment with. Duh, I knew that I have had sleep deprivation for months. At least, he had the professionalism to say I needed a neurologist. This is a neurological disorder. My goodness!
I do appreciate him making the effort to respond by phone. Hardly any doctor does that today.
Well, my conclusion is, that I have the rest of May, plus all of June & July to continue to live like this until August 1st when I hope the neurologist does something that helps.
Thanks for listening!
This is true . I wish I had moved to safety sooner, rather than trying to fulfill other dysfunctional family member’s expectations .
Her hub emailed me a few times - last time to say "Why not bury the hatchet?" My only thought was that the hatchet was buried many times - in my back. No more!!!
Sure enough within the month mother writes both of us that she is dying because her liver is failing, In fact her liver was fine for he rest of her life - about another 10 years. That was when I stopped sharing medical info with sis. I did notice that the one thing she didn't pass on to mother was the BPD diagnosis. She just brushed that aside saying "Oh, mother has a few emotional problems but nothing serious". Right!!!
Sorry your mum is looking frail,. It's hard seeing them decline. Hope this week is better.
boj - some good ones! One thing I have learned to do - and this works for telephone scams as well as toxicity is ask the person to repeat what they said - then ask them to repeat it again. And then say it back to them "Did you say..."
By that time it has lost its power.
"Know the difference between being patient and wasting your time."
"You gotta stop watering dead plants."
"Wow, you're really killing it with the bullying recently, everyone's been really impressed."
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“You’re just jealous.”
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“You will never die of brain cancer.”
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“What is your age? Just wondering.”
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When somebody says, “Do you know who my father is?” Just reply, “Why? Your mom didn’t tell you?”
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“Looks like someone hasn’t been to Paris in a while.”
okey-dokey, off i go and do some foolish things.
"Be someone who makes you happy."
"Know when to give up and have a margarita."
"A toxin-free life is so liberating."
They are very good at convincing others that they have been wronged, while you stand by and think "What did I do to cause this?" And find yourself without fault in this particular case.
My only solution has been to accept how it is - the leopard's spots don't change - and distance myself for protection. it has taken me a long long while to get there,
Know that we know you didn't act as she has said. Hopefully learn something about your relationship with her and protect yourself from future troubles.
I have experienced some of what you did with regard to the mold issue and am very wary of doctors as a result of that and other things I've come up against. So I understand. I've learned to trust my guts and do a lot of research about any health issues I have. Wish it were not so, but it is.
Take care of you ali, always.
Many hugs (((((((❤))))))))