The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I had a physical, and more likely than not sexual abusive childhood. I have been seeing a therapist for 3 or 4 yrs. now. I hate to use the word, but my (father) is an alcoholic. He always has been. It runs in the family. My mother who I used to be close with and tried to get help for her to get away from him has turned on me. She is mentally ill now. My aunt who is the father's sister is a drug addict. I have a brother and a sister. My grandmother is 90. She has alot of serious health problems at this point. I need to get her into at least an assisted living home. She lives in an apt. alone right now and it is not working out well. I ALONE take care of her. I see that her needs are met. I take her shopping and to Dr. Appointments etc. I live an hour away from her. I call her every day, if I am not able to be there. My aunt ONLY goes to see her to get money from her for what I KNOW to be drugs. She tells my grandmother stories like, she has cancer and needs med. money. Her eye is bleeding. She has no heat or food. Her car needs repairs etc. I am tired of it. I reported her, but they told me if my grandmother is giving her the money there is nothing they can do. NOBODY goes to see her or help her with anything. My aunt gets her money and leaves. The rest of the family is much closer too. It is creating a wedge between me and my siblings too. :(

There have been several new posters lately: Skem66, vhelper, Sissisu. Want to say Welcome to DYS thread! If you seek further input other than just venting, please keep posting and more users will give input for you. If you're mostly here to vent, then vent away! Caregiving is difficult in a good family situation, and caregiving in a dysfunctional family situation can be downright maddening, so please utilize this thread to get the support and input that you need.

Sissisu, Welcome to the thread. Vent, ask questions. Everyone has had their family drama. My Mom was totally narcissistic. She passed away earlier this year. I always dreaded holidays. I was divorced for about 25 years and it was always thrown up in my face that I didn't have a family and on and on. I have a younger brother that I'm close to. My other brother is deceased, but he and his family were her favorites. Dysfunctional families are bad. But you can survive and you can find happiness on your own, despite your mother's best efforts to make your whole life be about her.

Come back anytime to vent or comment. You'll always be welcome. Try your best to have a good Thanksgiving.

Moving is a type of loss. so you have to do your grieving and process it the best you can. With all the various trials I have been through over the years, this house has been a "safe place" for me. I think that is one reason I want to create another safe place to move to - not something that feels strange or too new to me. Hence the gradual transition I am making. Bringing plants is a problem as we will not have a garden in the condo, and I don't see us buying a recreational property too quickly, but you never know. Worst comes to worst R could probably stick a few plants in a brother's garden till we can find a home for them.

upset - sorry about dil's father. The timing is difficult.

sharyn - sorry you are having to work over the holiday. There are those who take more than full advantage of their employer.

guest - enjoy some time away and keep those boundaries firm. Hub may get it one day.

ali - at least she answered but... cold comfort.

Freezing rain warning for tomorrow and I have an appointment. Great! Hopefully the roads will be better by the afternoon.

Took the week off of work to help out Mom during Thanksgiving. She's in her early 90's. I live 4 hours away. Brother is local, and does a lot in the way of errands, hauling her around. He doesn't do major stuff - like I had to do painting for her this week.
He's the golden boy, I'm the ungrateful awful daughter who refuses to have her live with her. Not happening, as we've always been like oil and water. She'd come to visit me years ago, when she was much more mobile, and I'd count the days until she'd go (with me driving her back home). Dad died when I was 13, and she's never gotten over it, nor does she want to do so. She wears the widowhood like a badge of honor, wants to be pitied and known as the martyr.
She can be sunny and upbeat then turn on a dime. I think she's been bipolar most of her life to be honest.
Every time I come, I try to make nice meals for her. It always backfires. Nothing is ever good enough. So this morning, she couldn't make it all the way to the bathroom and there were pee dribbles from her bedroom to her ensuite bathroom. Crying, how it was my fault, why does everything happen to her. I asked what she needed and to stop crying. OMG. Like WWIII started.
So she finally got all sunny again, in time for me to get things prepared for tomorrow's dinner. Everything going well, until she'd asked me what I wanted for Christmas. Two items, low cost. Two things I would use. Well where do I find item 2? Local store.
Two to three hours later - she starts angrily questioning me, how am I supposed to get that? You know I can't get out to shop. I said fine, get me gift cards. That is NOT Christmas! I responded with get me whatever you want then. It truly doesn't matter that I have to shop until I drop to get everything precisely what they want, but when it comes to me, ehhh whatever. It's too hard. Get me gift cards. The response was that I make a joke of Christmas, Christmas isn't gift cards!!!
She now has gone into her bedroom without saying a word. Another fabulous habit of pouting. I just don't know what to do. I can only coddle her so much without losing my mind, and that doesn't seem to help anyhow. I told a friend that maybe I should just say order this and that - then donate to a charity for at least a tax write off.
Friday we (meaning me) put up her smaller (still 5 ft tall as a table tree wouldn't do at all) Christmas tree, plus a ton of decorations. She's still got to outdo her neighbors. Lives in a condo community, which she thought was seniors only, but no she didn't read nor ask about it, just assumed.
I am sure something will not be right, I'll be asked "don't you know that?", and that I'm stupid. She loves to insult as a way of making herself feel better, then if I get really upset and cry, she makes fun of me. Today she said well when you get this old, it won't be funny because you'll be all alone. Yes, the dig, which I hear every visit, about how I never got married. Yes, I am not looking forward to it, having really no one to count on, so she knows where to hit me hardest.
As soon as I get back to my home, I call to say I've arrived safely (or she calls yelling at me because I cause her so much worry and stress - inconsiderate!!), then she'll say it's so lonely, and it's all my fault because I'm ungrateful. She never thought she'd have such a child. I'm just the worst. When I repeat back what she says to me, then she'll say, there you go jumping off into the deep end. I dread every holiday. Just dread coming here. I put off visits as much as I can, but I have to come or I get calls with her ranting at me. She started calling me a few months back at 2 to 3 a.m. If I didn't pick up, then she went into screaming into the phone. Was I ok, and I sure didn't think much of her. When I called back, she'd ask, do you love me? I honestly didn't answer because I was so po'd at that point. She called just to make sure my work day was crap the next day. To her, she comes before anything I have going on in my life, and considers my job (I support myself - and I'm not in love with my job but I need it) as an adversary I think. Her power went out a week or so ago, and it was all my fault. I may end up being "sick" over Christmas. I hate to do that as there are probably not many years left with her, and when she goes, so goes any family celebrations. My brother and I are not close, never have been. I just don't know how much I can take. The only good thing is I'm in for a couple of days at Christmas, then out. Thanks for letting me vent.
Wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.

Golden, Leaving houses is an unnerving process in so many ways. I grew up in one house from birth to 16. When my youngest brother was born we moved to a new house, new town. It was difficult for me changing schools. My dad lived there until his death 33 years later. Mom lived there for an additional 3 years until badbro talked her into moving to Cincinnati and the beginning of a never ending series of bad things that finally ended (kind of) in this last year. My son loved my parents old house. He still talks about it 20 years later. When he visits family in the area he always drives by. Up until last year he always visited my dad's best friend across the street. He passed last year at 94.

I'm sure you'll find the best way to remember your long time home. I have a Christmas cactus I moved from Mom's old house. I have a hens & chicks I moved from great-grandmothers house after she passed. It came from her grandmother's house in tidewater Virginia .

cm - the soda incident was me drinking the end of a bottle of that very popular brown soda, feeling something in my mouth, spitting it out into the sink and identifying it at the two cut off ends of latex glove fingers with yellow-orange grainy material in them, some of which I had consumed. After photographing it and returning the objects to the bottle, we reported it to the proper authorities and, after some searching, found a lab that would test it. I just got an email that the final report is about ready. The testing has included bacteriological tests, and MRI. It has made me somewhat nauseous at times when dealing with the incident, and when being around fizzy brown stuff in bottles. The lab testing is costing me something so I will see a lawyer no matter what the results are, to at least recover costs. Then what remains will be sent to the company. If the results are what I think they will be it will also have to go public - something I do not relish at all. I didn't need it but I have to deal with it.

Realising that I have to say goodbye to this house. Gordie was 3 when we moved in here. 20 years later he died, but I am still here. The kids spanned from 3 to 16, so it was a busy time and the house has done us well. We have been through so many family holidays and other occasions here. Dd and fam were staying here when both grandsons were born. Special times!!! I gave up hosting family dinners a few years ago. The Christmas tree is now a very small artificial one and decorations are minimal. I have some bad memories from this house, but many more good ones. I was reading online about saying good bye to a house and a couple of suggestions hit home. Leave something behind - like carve your initials in a tree or leave a note tucked somewhere in the attic or the basement. I may do both of these things. Also take something with you - plants from the garden, press leaves from your fave tree, or even the door knob to your fave room (does not appeal to me). I am leaving much behind - the garden was a mess when we arrived here and it now has quite a presence. I will place the urns with ashes from my old springer and from Toonie the cat near Gordie's bench on the edge of the woods. May bring a plant of two and/or press some maple leaves in a book. I will miss the fireplace the most and the bush across the street.

I know I need to take the time and emotional energy to process the goodbyes.

Happy Thanksgiving to those in the US.

Upset, such bad timing for DIL's dad's decline and death during your trip out there... but some things in life just don't stick to plans, and death is one of them. Sounds like you're having a great trip in spite, though.

Guest, that's interesting to me about what your hubs does, in his way of helping others. His way of helping is to often put things on to you, because "you're better at it." My bro does that kind of thing to SIL. And my bro still thinks he helped because he told SIL or someone else to do something. ;-) And your story also reminded me how bad an idea it is to be the person in your family who is good at stuff!!! My mom got it in her head that I would come to her city after helping my dad here and help her get her cluttered houses into shape. No way Jose, and she hasn't mentioned that again in awhile, thankfully, except every so often in her "poor me" mode that comes out if I dare to complain about any hardship in my own life. Lololol... sigh... Well, anyway. Boundaries are great and I'm so thankful to learn about what that looks like in daily life from you and other posters here.

Happy American Thanksgiving, all.

Wow. I emailed new Trust Officer with a "thanks for nothing, take care" email, and she replied. I didn't say "thanks for nothing," of course not. What I said was that this ignoring my communication was the same thing the original Trust Officer did in 2011, he just ghosted me completely, and then I set out to do what I knew needed to be done, since he wouldn't communicate or assist. New Trust Officer replied and apologized for "delay" (it's been a month!) and said my request is neither approved or denied at this point.

That's cool... I just don't expect anything from them because this is a pattern where I've asked for things and they don't/won't do it. So... if by some small miracle, they do actually reimburse any part of my receipts, I'll be thrilled.

Thanks yogagirl! Everyone likes Olive Garden and we don't live near one. Again thank you.

Upsetsister, There is an Olive Garden restaurant in the Westfield mall near LAX. Have a great Thanksgiving weekend!

Ms Madge, Any suggestions for a Sunday dinner somewhere near LAX coming from Bakersfield. Kid friendly, nothing fancy.

Traveling tomorrow so out of pocket. Happy Turkey Day or November 23rd or whatevah!
Sharyn/Upset - entitlement is the word. But it's not the younger generation. It's narcissists, and we're surrounded by them....
Update on E and Mom-car is officially totaled. Awaiting amount to pay-still sounds like insurance on guy who hit them is iffy. Husband and I took the 2 of them to little cafe nearby that serves turkey dinner with stuffing on Tuesdays so Mom got her turkey dinner for Thanksgiving. Mom paid for our meals-me chicken fried steak and hubs french toast:) E spent dinner talking about how terrible her year has been and her life disappointments. Usual fare. But her mom is closest to mom I have left and we've been friends (when managed properly) for almost 40 years. I don't have many in my circle that long any more. It's funny, though - this is why I don't trust hubs and his promises of no family requirements. He had told me he'd help E if asked, and when asked last night he told her I had better contacts through garage I work for than he did. True, but this is why I don't trust him not to push off the "she's better at that than me" with his parents. We'll see at tax time:(

Sharyn, Hadn't thought of that. You're mostly likely spot on!

It’s an entitlement issue!

Sharyn, I know what you mean about some younger workers. I can't figure out whether it's lack of responsibility, dedication, etc. I try to work with everyone's schedule, family needs, etc. I'm sorry you didn't get your two days together. Several years ago I was working for a hospital ER. I was the low seniority person - worked every holiday for a year.

Golden, I hope you get to rest for awhile. I've enjoyed this week - not having to do anything or be anywhere. My granddaughter says we're getting pink polish with glitter. She says it will match her cast. Her cast is neon hot pink.

My DIL called. Her dad passed away early this morning. I feel so bad for her and her family. No funeral right now. He's being cremated and there will be a memorial service later. My DIL is going to stay with her mother until Sunday.

Everyone have a nice day. Don't work yourself into a frenzy. Be thankful for all things large and small. I'm thankful for all of you and the support and encouragement you give to all.

Golden, I can understand why you are burned out. You have had so much going on the last 2 years or so. The evacuation in itself would be such an emotional shock to process. I hope you can have time to just “be” this winter. Maybe a trip somewhere,where you can just rest, take in the sounds of quiet.

One thing about working again, drama with young women! A young mother which management has worked with her schedule because she has 3 young children...giving her Halloween off, everything off, etc. she wants to leave work early now every night. She was reprimanded for it. She calls in yesterday, too sick to work which wasn’t true because she told me and another co-worker she was going to do it, lol! Drama! I have to work today now because management told her not to come in until Friday so she is well recovered. I was so looking forward to having today and tomorrow off. Oh well!

Mrs Donoghue, I mean, d'oh!

Distracted by tussle with retailer about a faulty uplighter, grrrrrrrrr. There's probably a case about that, too!

Seriously??? Wow!!! They don't learn, do they? - Donoghue née McAlister v Stephenson (1932) - the founding case of modern civil law of negligence! Establishing the duty of care of the manufacturer to those whom he might reasonably foresee would come into contact with his product!

Mrs McAlister went to a café where she ordered a bottle of ginger beer and a dish of ice cream. She drank some of the ginger beer, and then poured the remainder over her ice cream intending to eat it as a sundae. To her horror, out swam a partially decomposed snail, complete presumably with shell, and she suffered both shock and gastroenteritis as a direct result of having already consumed some of the drink. She sued for damages. The retailer was found not to be liable because the ginger beer was sealed in the type of opaque stoneware bottle common at that time and he could not reasonably be expected to have examined the contents prior to sale. The manufacturer denied liability on the grounds that he had no duty of care towards the end consumer. The case went all the way to the House of Lords, and Mrs McAlister won.

Nowadays I expect someone would sue on the poor old snail's behalf, too - for wrongful imprisonment at least if not snailslaughter.

Here's hoping Golden's mystery object was just a lumpy bit of the otherwise correct original ingredients! :P

CM good to see you here. Golden's soda incident? She found a floater in a purchased bottle of dark brown soda. She felt ill for a time afterwards and then had to struggle with finding a lab to test the floater to determine what it was. I am sure she will respond with more detail.

Detach from sissie? I understand completely. I felt the same when I accidentally found out about ts1's 22 year old son's stroke. I was dismayed (yes that is the right word, not hurt) because I wasn't told. But, to say something to ts1 was not going to be an option. Someone would have had to deal with her wrath at having told me. I prefer to stay on the outside. Even decided to not say anything to nephew, just none of it worth opening that can of worms. It would not have helped anything.

Back to sleep for me.

"The soda incident", Golden? What did I miss? But yes you have had more than your fair share of the one dam' thing after another going on, for far too long. It certainly does knock the stuffing out of a person.

Daughter 1 is ill, in bed, and no she does not want me to travel up there and take her chicken soup. Three non-stop 14 hour night shifts on the trot left her vulnerable to all the bugs going around, so it's not a sign of anything and she's a big grown-up girl; it's just that you still want to rush over and plump pillows and things.

But being feverish and at a low ebb - or at least she claimed that was why she was more talkative than normal - she let slip that Niece and Nephew 3 broke the news a couple of weeks back that Sister and BIL are not living together. She got fed up with a recurring affair and chucked him out, it seems. Niece and Nephew are deeply unimpressed with him.

I knew at once what this was all about - it first cropped up three or four years ago, and I thought Sister had decided to accommodate it: he got caught out in some tacky tryst, she confronted him about it, he came up with an explanation which was patent tosh, she chose to accept the explanation... Well, she's neither gullible nor thick, so at the time I just said "if you're happy I'm happy" and didn't comment on his credibility.

At times like this it would be good to offer sisterly support. I am strongly tempted to. But I'm not going to. For my own sake I need our relationship to be closed and done and I do not want to break that seal. And to make staying away extra-easy, I'm pretty sure that knowing that I knew about it would in her mind be the last straw of humiliation - her opinion of me is that poor.

And that's not my fault.

Golden, I agree these 10 items can apply to almost all dysfunction for the survivors except those surviving sexual abuse may have additional issues.

DDDuck, I don’t think anyone here has attacked you, only pointed out your use of certain wording.

None of us are perfect, we make mistakes. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Having said that, changing how one does things is the only going to produce different results, trial and error. Part of being dysfunctional means making changes in baby steps.

You are very hurt, wounded. Love is a great thing, however, those who hurt us, especially family, they will not wake up one day to realize they hurt us. You can instead, turn all this love inward. Learn to love yourself as a mother should have loved you. Make your physical and emotional health a priority. Only prove to yourself that you deserve it!

Maybe something is going on in my planets. I came down this afternoon for my shower, my mother in front of bathroom says I told you to stay out of here you look a mess. First negative I have heard from her in a while.

I had to pray myself up again. I realize a lot of this stuff is over and beyond my understanding and capacity so I have to leave it to God. That has been my quest in the past few months, learning to let go and let God. A lot of things I have noted is warfare beyond my control.
I also appreciate the honest feedback I receive. Obviously my stuff does come out sideways sometimes but it a choice to make it into a personal assault. I have to much pain and hurt to be looking for a personal attack on me or my family in any post. All I see is the truth of a situation in my family. I love my family. I have never felt that anyone was insulting me or my familly in any way shape or form with a post about something relative. I found this site when my heart wa breaking at the seams as I realized my life of my intentions, love, my every thought was turned into something malicious and ugly. I spent of crazy long time tryoing to prove my love to no avail. Now I deal with the task of learning to move on from that, letting go of finding blame in myself for something I didnt do or intend. Taking one slap, aboorbing, denying the truth. I still live it daily. Only now I see it when it drives up. When it starts to park. Then I look at my blessings and I know if I dont feed into these things I will be alright. I have to keep that hope and hold on. I cant allow my self to get swallowed up and chewed and spit out over and over again. So I try not to feed it. Relating to the pain and struggles of others help me with my own. I have gotten a ton of help and enlightenment here, the love the shines through some of these posts is awesome. I dont get on long enough to see who has what profession or degree. I have seen and enjoyed people posting great achievement in their fields and profession which was truly awesome. I give the props. I see the expertisim, logic, peace, enthusisam, the push the love the encouragement, the honesty the truth in certain posts and this moves me in my heart. It helps me. That what keeps me here. I know because of where I come from in my heart that there is a lot of pain and its reflected in different ways. I keep that in consideration in all but I can only apprecciate and only embrace the good that comes from sharing our pain lor joy and moments and opening my heart because that is all I am putting out there.

Sharyn, thanks for sharing that info, it hit home in a lot of places.

Aw grandma and granddaughter time. Love it! Get something wild with the mani-pedis. ;)

Golden, My granddaughter and I enjoyed the princess dinner. It was fun and the food was very good. Tomorrow the two of us are going to hotel spa for mani-pedis and have our hair done. She has a fingertip to shoulder cast and hair washing is difficult.

upset - sounds like fun. Enjoy! At a certain age it doesn't get better than a Disney princess.

Having decided what to do, I feel singularly uninterested in doing anything about it. I think I am burnt out. The fire, evac, rehab/renos and insurance took a lot out of me, R and his issues, the soda incident (still ongoing), mother and the wrong meds, moving mother to a new facility... Have I forgotten anything? I am hoping this  feeling will pass if I get off the merry go round for a while and just live day to day.

stacey -wondering how you are - how the tests turned out. Hope no news is good news,

The good news is that dd and I have sorted it out and she will come and clean my furnace room tomorrow and more every week or so. She is great at downsizing so she will help me organize that.

Lawdy, I just want some peace.

We have had a long day at Disney. My granddaughter and I are getting ready to go to hotel and get ready for dinner. We're having a Disney princess dinner. Guys are eating elsewhere. My granddaughter has danced with every group that has come down the street. She can't ride most of the rides because of her broken arm. Boys have rode rides all day. A much needed vacation for me and PJ. And one of the very few times I've gotten to see my grandchildren without my mother looming large in the background criticizing me.

sharyn - great information. I suspect all of us can identify with some of it. For me it was not only my alcoholic father but also my BPD mother that affected me in these ways, I believe. I think much of this list applies to other dysfunctions than alcoholism. I don't know what "normal" is - never lived with it. I used to check things out with a few "normal" girlfriends. Guilt -oh yes, and not knowing how to receive. Perfectionism ties in with guilt. I read something like "When perfectionism stops, progress (growth) begins. A "peaceless" childhood -definitely, and lonely too.

Re exercise and moving every hour - does letting your wireless mouse slide onto the floor several times an hour, and having to bend, stretch far, or get up to retrieve it count? If so mine may be extending my life!!! 😉

Yay -finally the temporary parking lot on the green belt across the street is just about empty. One truck looks to have been abandoned there. Bylaw was out looking at it this morning, so, presumably, it will be moved or removed soon, and I will have my old view back.

Take care all - do something good for you, and let go of the guilt.

Sharyn, Good to know.