The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Upset, they cover everything from surviving a friendship with a narcissist to setting boundaries.

*RAISES HAND*. Thanks, sharyn.

Sharyn, That is great info on alcoholism. Will definitely add that FB page to our resource list. We have clients who have alcohol issues in their families.

Here is some information I found regarding children of alcoholics. I find it to be very true. FB has a page called Reach out Recovery which is full of great info including detachment.

Here are the 10 things we’d like you to know — even if we can’t articulate them:

1. We Don’t Know “Normal”
Normal is a relative term, yes. But our normal is not on the relativity scale. Normal for us can include instability, fear, even abuse. Normal might be a parent passed out in their own vomit. Normal might be taking care of your household, your siblings, your parent(s), and very rarely yourself. This profound lack of understanding leads us to the conclusion that normal = perfect, and less than perfect is unacceptable. Perfect is a non-negotiable term — there are no blurred lines. It’s all or nothing.

2. We Are Afraid
A lot of the time. And the fear is hidden — sometimes very deeply. We are afraid of the future, specifically the unknown. The unknown was our reality for many years. We may not have known where our parents were, or when they’d return. We might not have known if there would be dinner or drunkenness. While we may know now that those things aren’t likely to happen, that doesn’t make life any less terrifying. This fear may express itself in a number of ways, everything from anger to tears. We probably won’t recognize it as fear.

3. We are afraid (part 2: children)
We are afraid to have children and when we do, we are afraid to wreck them, like we are wrecked. If we can acknowledge our own damage, we definitely don’t want to inflict it on anyone else. We don’t really know how to be a parent. It’s actually panic inducing. We will second-guess everything we do and may over-parent for fear of under-parenting.

4. We Feel Guilty
About everything. We don’t understand self-care. We don’t have clear-cut boundaries. If we stand up for ourselves, we feel guilty. If we take care of ourselves, we feel guilty. Our life is built on a foundation of I give to you and receive nothing. We don’t know how to receive.

5. We Are Controlling
Because we don’t know normal, and because we are afraid, we may often seek to exert control over anything and everything around us. This can manifest itself in our homes, our work, or our relationships. We may often be inflexible. We don’t usually see this as dysfunction. We will likely frame this as a strength.

6. We Are Perfectionists
We are terribly critical of ourselves — of every detail. Because of this internal dialogue of self-loathing, we are often sensitive to criticism from others. This is deeply-seated fear of rejection. Please pause, if you are able, and choose your words with compassion. We may have lacked for love. We need it.

7. We Had No Peace In Our Childhood
We don’t know peace. This is ironic, because we believe only in perfection and yet we create chaos. Chaos, stress, unrest: these are comfortable for us. We feel at home in these circumstances, not because they are healthy, but because they feel normal.

8. We Are In Charge Of Everything — Even If We Don’t Want To Be (But We Always Want To Be)
This manifests itself mostly in female daughters and especially the oldest female daughters of an addict mother (we have our own books, even). Because these women — like myself — have been forced to take on the responsibilities of the incapable parent(s), they will be the first person to take on everything — to their own detriment. Responsibility is the name of the game. And we will take responsibility for everyone; their emotions, their needs, their lives. In fact, it’s easier to take responsibility for everyone else than even ourselves.

9. We Seek Approval
Constantly. Our self-esteem is exceptionally low. Our addicted parents were unable to provide the love and nurturing we required to form secure attachment. As such, we will seek that in all our relationships going forward. All of them. This need for approval manifests itself in generally self-sacrificing behavior. We will give to our own detriment. Please remind us to take care of ourselves, too.

10. We Live In Conflict
We want to be perfect, but we can’t because we are paralyzed by fear. We want to control our surroundings, but we desperately want to be taken care of. We desperately want to be self-assured, because we know that’s the key to the control we seek, but we can’t be self-assured because we grew up believing we had no worth.

If we have chosen you as a partner, or even a dear friend, we may see either a situation that requires our keen ability to pick up the mess, or we may see someone who can love us back to health. Neither of these is a particularly sound choice. We don’t know. We don’t care.

While intellectually we may know that it is our responsibility to manage our feelings, our intellect doesn’t always align itself with our emotions. We may be frail, frightened, scared, lonely, angry, or clingy. We may be all of those things at once.

We don’t mean to be, we probably don’t even know we are.

Ms Madge, Heat wave at Thanksgiving. Unheard of in Maine even in August.🙂

Upset
Can't believe we've got a heatwave coming to SoCal this week - 90s on thanksgiving ! Hydrate at Disneyland

Glad, I found DDDuck's assumption that my members of my family are delusional offensive. They are definitely dysfunctional and misguided in their expectations of what others should do for them, but not deadbeats and delusional. Nothing more.

Ok, what the heck did I miss? I have not read anything said by anybody that should irritate or cause another to become defensive.😵

I wanted to share about this weird thing this morning when I got home.

I'd ordered a milk shake for my mother. She doesnt like the ensure, or boost and is not eating. It was bothering me. So, this order was way over a week ago. I saw a note on window stating a pakage was by flower pot. I looked and didnt notice anything. This was last friday.

This morning as I entered gate, a squirrel, shot out from one corner of house onto a flower pot and sat there long enough for me to say what you got over there. When I said that it looked at me and ran off. Sure enough the package with the drinks were in that same corner with a piece of board over it. I just happend to see the corner of a box. It was just weird and my mother loved it to boot! lol.

Glad, Ming, is such a pretty and fitting name. It must be lovely bonding with her.

Guest, I loved the post on boundaries.

Upset, again I find myself apologizing. I meant no harm. I apologize for any offense.

I do tend to relate everything to my issues with my sister and mother. I apologize to any and all who have been offended by my tendency to infer my issues or experiences or feelings to their post or loved ones. Its not meant in a meanful or condeming way and I dont post with that intention and I certainly dont post in a mean way. My apoogy again to you, Upset, and to the others who feel offended.

thx upset - How nice for you to have some sunshine and warmth. Enjoy Disneyland

I think finally finishing off the rehab and insurance issues have freed me from the house and opened my mind to new possibilities.

I will sell the lot the cottage was on, as that area is turning into a bedroom community for E'ton - not a place for a country retreat. R knows a good realtor in that area. It has gained a lot in value since I bought it, but will not go higher in the foreseeable future. Once we have a look at the condos, we will have an idea of what we are aiming for in terms of furniture. Then I need to get rid of the rest. The only furniture I really want to take with me is the dark oak dining set. Dd wants the leather set though I don't know where she will put it. The condos are arranged on the open space floor plan, so they are fairly flexible. There is an exercise room with equipment in the basement. heated underground parking and a wash bay, games areas on two floors, and a separate clubhouse for functions. It is on the edge of town and some units look out onto fields. it will be a big change, but has may advantages for me. Since staying in that town during the evac I feel comfortable there.The only people I really visit here are dd and family and I will miss them, but there is always the phone, and I can visit, and so can they. I have been privileged to have my kids near me for so much of my life.

Whew - big changes, I have lived in this community for 40 years and seen many changes in it and in my life in that time. Other than Gordie's death, the fire last year was the most momentous - a fitting end.

Vhelper, Welcome to the thread. Come vent, ask questions, etc. Many of the people on this thread have a wealth of experience as caregivers and all have experience with dysfunctional individuals or entire families. Again welcome.

Golden, Your laugh of the day was a good one. All of ideas for where to live are good.

I've been sitting on the porch enjoying the sun and warm temperatures while the boys have been playing basketball. Today my son and the kids have kept me busy cooking.

Tomorrow morning we're headed to Disneyland for two or three days.

DDDuck, Please do not judge or diagnose my family members as delusional and do not transfer or impose your beliefs onto my family situation. That is making a huge jump from being a dysfunctional family to having a delusional mental illness. Thank you.

duck -yes it hurts and I have found the only thing that helps is distance - physical and emotional. I know the physical is not possible for you now. It is a blessing that the hurt you have been subjected to has transformed you to a person who wants to show love to others. Be careful not to get hurt more in this process.Your memories of your uncle are lovely.

glad - it is sweet that Ming wants to follow you everywhere. Not typical of a siamese, I think. You have formed a bond with her.

guest - such narc behaviours. I am glad you recognize them and keep your boundaries. What resonated with me from what you wrote was "you can maintain boundaries with narcissist. It's a constant battle," Absolutely so! As I have aged and gained more understanding (and perhaps less tolerance) of the narc dynamics, I have been less and less inclined to spend the energy maintaining the type of boundaries that you describe, as the effort was ongoing and draining. So distance (physical and emotional) and decreased contract have become my boundaries. I have temporarily decreased that space with emailing my sister over her recent wedding, and know I will have to increase it again, as she will come up with some snarky comments/put downs at some point, and I will back off big time again. So be it.

skem - welcome and I am sorry about your family dynamics. Boundaries, while not changing your bro's behaviour, will protect you and your dad from it. There is just no way to fix that kind of broken. "we are ready to go to the authorities in order to have them stopped" Do it. There is no reason you should have to be subjected to that. I agree with upset - and get POA medical and financial. The other thing you may want to do is look ahead, realising that dad will need more care in the future and make plans for that. Become knowledgeable with medicaid rules and provisions if he will need it. Look around for facilities that would suit him when he gets to that point. It sounds like he is basically at an assisted living stage as you are giving him assistance with a number of things. Re the 40 emails, I have had 20 in a day from my mother who has borderline personality disorder. Receiving them was very stressful. Thankfully she is past that now, Good luck and keep us updated.

whelper - welcome- if there are unhealthy dynamics beneath the surface of a family it seems to be common that they come to the surface when a parent becomes ill and needs care. It is not unusual for a sibling to imagine that the caregiver who has moved in has gained a lot of benefits and same sib has no idea about the work involved and the sacrifices by the caregiver. I think you were right to protect mum's schedule and sleep needs and suppose there was no better way to do it. Mum's health has to come first, It might be a good idea to have your mum evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist regarding her behaviour towards you and what has been happening to her since the stroke. It can be the start of vascular dementia. There may be some meds that would help. As far as mum asking the others to come over and help, I think that will not work. You cannot make anyone do what they are not inclined to do. The best may be is that they don't interfere. As far as the divorce and broken relationship in your life, I don't mean to be flippant, but join the crowd. BTDT, in another relationship and working to make it work. It's never too late to learn to do things a better way. Writing a lot and venting is what we are here for. I am glad it is helping you.

Laugh of the day. The lady that talked of offering R a job as a fishing guide, repeated it when I called her last night for snow removal, and said I could have a job too - cleaning rooms. I told her I had trouble keeping my own house clean. She said I could come up with R anyway if I wanted to. We talked face to face, but I think she has no idea how old I am, and none of her business either.

Cooking some ratatouille - smells good.

Thank you for opening this up for discussion. I too have had my eyes opened to the dysfunctional behaviors in my family. I am #3 in my family. 3 girls and one boy. Myself and my younger sister are adopted. I know my brother and two other sister don't get along but I thought I had a good relationship with everyone even though I was living in Colorado. My younger sister and brother (POA) live in the same town as my Mom (younger sister blocks from Mom). My older sister lives in same state about 2 hour away.
Last year my Mom suffered a bad stroke. She is paralyzed on her right side and needs 24 hour care. I was living in Colorado and after discussing Mom's situation I decided to move in with her and help in her care, especially overnight and weekends. We were able to get a reverse mortgage and hire part time caregiver M-F 8am-4pm. With all siblings now with close proximity, it could be manageable to take care of Mom and have help -WRONG.
Immediately my younger sister (who lives within blocks of Mom) started saying she wouldn't be able to help, she has some illness that exhausts her and stress makes it worse (she hasn't gone to get a diagnosis from any doctors and refuses to discuss what actually is wrong with her). Her husband is useless and won't allow her to help either. My older sister has only come up to "see" Mom twice in this year. She's either working 7 days a week or her or her daughter or granddaughter or ill. The big problem is my younger sister and her family (she has 3 adult children, within blocks of Mom). My sister was angry at me for moving in and her and her husband were horrible to me and saying horrible things to family members- "I didn't' have anything in Colorado and now I'm living in Mom's house, driving her car and I think Mom's house and car are mine, etc." childish and ridiculous accusations. They also think I'm getting paid a salary like what we are giving the pt caregiver. One of the reasons for me living with Mom is that we're saving tons of money on in-home health care.They even told my daughter something I had confided in them about some issues I was having with my daughter. Why they are so upset at me is beyond me. I'm keeping our Mom home instead of a nursing home?When Mom was first home she needed a lot of sleep. My younger sister refused to call when she wanted to "visit" Mom. She'd just come in and wake Mom up and then leave after about 30 minutes. She'd upset Mom by crying to her about her stoke and how sick she was (she never came over without being completely made up with hair just right, matching jewelry, etc) Myself, brother and caregiver would have to deal with Mom's mood and lack of sleep. Since we couldn't get her to comply with Mom's health schedule, we changed the locks on Mom's house. We told her she'd have to contact caregiver, since she wouldn't speak to myself or brother, to see if Mom was able to receive visitors. My sister was furious and her husband called screaming and yelling at myself and my brother. Cussing us out and being so hateful - oh I forgot to add, they are extreme Catholics and refer to me as not a God fearing woman?? Afterwards my sister and her family refused to visit or even call Mom. They said "we locked her out and wouldn't let her see Mom". We kept saying that wasn't it, we just had to control Mom's visits and sleeping because it was crucial after her stroke.
When this all happened myself and brother and his wife really though it would be manageable with all 4 of us taking some portion of the situation. Mom is doing better and my younger sister is coming around a little to visit but our family is now divided and destroyed. Now my Mom is doing better but she is also doing things to draw attention. She acts like she is frozen and won't speak or move. When I ask what's going on she doesn't answer me for a few seconds then shakes her head like she was in a daze and says "I don't know" but she only does it to me. I started to ignore those episodes but now she has been not bending her knees and keeping her legs straight when I put her on the toilet or wheelchair or bed. It causes me to fall back with her and she pee's all over herself. She did it one time (its like her legs are tight and won't bend) when I was lifting her to bed. I ended up almost dropping her and then had to slide her on the floor and pick her up from floor. I also have a really bad back (2 unsuccessful fusion surgeries) been recently diagnoses with fibromyalgia and being tested for auto immune disease. so needless to say, I'm in pain all the time and with her doing these crazy things (she doesn't do them with the caregiver or my brother - just me) I'm afraid of dropping her or my back going out. When I question these things she says "I don't know". I've started to distrust my Mom and have feelings of bitterness towards her because of her behavior towards me, and why just me?
I've asked my Mom why she doesn't tell my sisters to "help" a little more - even just coming over for the day and letting me leave? She won't "disrupt" them and doesn't want to upset my sister.
I've recently started to ponder my childhood and how she treated each of us (I've had unsuccessful marriage and relationship).
I know this is a lot and I just needed to vent. I've just recently found this website an its been a blessing reading about others situations and what I can do to help myself (I realize I'm burned out) so I can care for my Mom.

Thank you for letting me vent :)

SKEM66, Do you have POA both medical and financial? Are your fathers assets the reason your brother wants guardianship? If you don't have POA - financial and medical you need to get those immediately. I would also make an appointment for you and your father to discuss what to do about your brothers threats. Take copies of the threatening emails with you if you visit an elder law attorney.

I have been the caregiver of my father for about a year now. It started when my mother was hospitalized last June. I would drive 75 miles round trip to visit her in the hospital and then go take care of my father by bringing him or making him dinner every day. My father was having some medical issues of his own which put him in the hospital for 3 weeks and then a rehab center where my mom was at after her hospital stay. My mom passed last February and that’s when I had to start caregiving to my father basically full time. Right after my mom passed my brother who lives 800 miles away went to court to get guardianship of my father. In the last 20 years my brother may have seen my parents 5 times total. My father who has a bit of demensia didn’t want my brother to have guardianship as my brother stated he wanted to move him to we’re he lives and put him in a nursing home. We went through a long court battle and eventually my brother lost his bid to gain guardianship. From the beginning I was in favor of getting a independent guardian so as not to have family issues get in the way of his life. During the entire court preceding my wife and I received over 40 threatening emails from my brother and his wife. Meanwhile, we were the sole caregiver to my father with absolutely no help from anyone else in the family. I have not had a relationship with my brother sines he left for college 38 years ago. He is the oldest and I am the youngest of 3. I have a sister who is in the area but, she has some serious medical issues of her own so I don’t expect much from her. We still to this day get threatening emails from my brothers wife and we are ready to go to the authorities in order to have them stopped. My father can take care of himself on a limited basis (he takes care of his hygiene, getting dressed, taking his medications as I leave them out for him every day and even walks his dog a few times a day). I stay with my dad every night and prepare his meals for him, clean, do laundry, grocery shop, make and take him to his appointments and generally do any and everything he needs. My dad doesn’t want to even speak with my brother anymore. But, of course “they are smarter then everyone else with much higher IQ’s”. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Guest, Good for you! Boundaries are the best thing you can have with a narcissist.

Gotta share the latest on the E and Mom front. Long, but the dysfunctional funny. I maintain the boundaries to help the 90 year old Mom as E has still not gotten alternate transport. In their defense, Mom doesn't qualify for the Handi-Ride after E's run in with case manager. I'm working that one for 90 year old benefit. As I told husband over the weekend, you can pretty well predict what people are gonna do once you've known them for almost 40 years. I told him my example shows it can be done with loving limits despite the manipulating efforts.
Thursday we had a turkey dinner at my work with potluck sides; we do this every year. I invited E and her mom to come - told them I'd pick them up. I brought extra to work to cover for them and the guys don't care. I get a text at 1:30 (meal set for 1) that E overslept and they wouldn't have been able to bring anyway. Ok, despite my telling them I'd cover. The waif text continued to say that Mom was so sad missing the turkey dinner, and so sorry that they missed it, oh, and were there any leftovers that maybe I could do up a plate and bring by? BTW, in a garage full of mechanics and customers, as soon as the meal hit table, they ate. Anything not eaten was packaged by donors and taken away by others. So, that would be a no. I texted that sorry they missed it and no leftovers. Silence.
My afternoon job canceled shift on Friday. I had offered to take E to the police dept to get accident report for her car to follow up on insurance. Please note the waif E at accident scene didn't get other driver name or insurance info- she told me that officer did. So of course her insurance has now been waiting 10 days because they can't follow up with no info. And funny thing the other driver's company never called, if it even exists.
The following is example to all my friends that you can maintain boundaries with narcissist. It's a constant battle, but!
I set aside 2 hours for E Friday. E doesn't need police report-her insurance finally got for her. Can we do grocery run? Only a few items. Sure. When they get in my car, can we do bank too? Sure. Get to grocery store, I drop at front door and park. No, I'm not walking through store with you to visit. I've got business by phone and will get you at door when done. 50 minutes later, the 90 year old is at front door. Pharmacy pickup next door. So I load groceries and 90 year old mom in car and wait. Fire lane, but E left phone with her mom. No phone or purse on E. When E finally gets to car, I drive them home - 10 minutes short of the deadline I set. I unload car as E can't find keys to open house, then worries about dogs. I put the bags in the back room on table and got ready to leave. What, no visit? No, I've got some other things to do. Told you I had 2 hours. But, but, I thought that was in addition to grocery. And bank. And pharmacy. Nope. Not mean, just efficient. It Can Be Done.

Duck the siamese kitten is doing great. I have a shadow, if I get up she has to come with me. It is 5 am she wants to play and learn to use my tablet evidently. I.keep putting her back on the floor, she keeps jumping back up again.

Waiting for Georgia Dome to implode. Maybe that will scare Ming back under the bed. There it went, what a cloud of dust!

Upset, my mouth dropped when I read about this speech. The nerve!! whew. I bet that was a good strong slapp too. Seems to ave been well deservded. I am glad aunt is well. Hi Bookluvr, its nice to see you, been a while I hope all is well.
Sharyn, puppy training school, wow!! That must be great and busy.
I wonder how the siamese kitten is coming along.

Rays of Peace and Love to all.

Ali, I can feel you frustration. I wish I new something that could make things right offer unwanted advice :). Hang in there. I just know the feeling of doing all you can and getting a back or dismissal.

Upset, amazing. Deadbeats are very delusional. I see that is what my sister is about just know the lights are really on. I realize now that when she moved into my mothers her lifestyle changed slightly and she got very pompous. that's where the "I gots (yes) money came from. Her entire manipulation of me and my life was to her benifit. She used me. Years ago when I told her so and that she had her sons use me to. She said let them use you. YOu had the money you were supposed to. I am feeling a little victory hearing you say no to the freeloaders and users aka deadbeats. I also realize that to be that way one has to be delusional to live with oneself.

Guest, I thank you so much to say I matter, to remind me of that. I live a life of a front knowing or feeling I dont matter and never did in my family when knowing all along it was me keeping and holding the family and enforcing the love. I look at my sister and i see my mother but from a different perspective. I am seeing how my mother operated an manifpulated. I saw it just didnt want to believe it. dont know how I pulled that off on myself. I guess I am delusional too.

I came to tears yesterday. My pain and hurt has made me want to show love to all. I know what its like to dont matter and have my heart do a roller coaster to my stomach. It happened a lot when I was growing up. Whenever someone treats me with just plain decency it makes me happy. The wrong people will use it to their beneifit which is why I dont mind being alone. but anyways I will babble. There are men who sit around this spot I pass regularly and women. Alcoholics the spot is near a liquor store which I go to reguarly. This one man is very handsome but beat and I have a lot of juice and bread and milk my mother doesnt eat from the meals and asked him if he had grands that could use. So I drop between him and this little girl on block, so I saw him the other day Its cold and I dont see him. So he had these large bundles of beer cans wrapped around a cart. We talk. I joked its a lot of beer he drinking he says the people save them for him its once a week. He says it means a lot like those packages I give him. Then asked my why was he telling me his business. Then did I need a dollar. He had some change. I told him anything I can do to show love or care I do because I know what its like to feel that darkness and betrayal and the kind gestures I received in my life gave me hope and faith that there is love. Thank you Guest. Because coming on board here you see all that love that people have on board here and how they conquered or address their pain. The goodness, and to read about these crazy ugly things people do help put things in perspective for me and reinfoerce or remind me that these things are similar just remodeled way of my own manipulation from my family. Yikes!
Golden I saw a post directed to you. I hope all is well with you and your mother. You and a few others give me a very special inspiration and motivation.

Happy Holidays to you all. This is a beautiful family and forgive me if I dint mention specific names. I am not on reualarly and I get names and situations mixed up.
Upset doing her thing with the mentoring and counseling. God bless and God Speed. Sharyn I hope your honeymoon never ends. Cm hope you are fine. And Margeaux keep spreading peace. All of you are so beautiful and mean a lot even if I dont post daily.

Tis the season for depression. Its hard for me. I mourn the loss of these holidays with waht used to be family. Not just my immediate but people like my uncle spencer who i thing was an old ganster boot legger :). I get dressed up for holidays because of him and others, I would pick him up and he would be dressed to the nines. And I had better have his pecan cheese cake (philidelphia cheese recipe) ready to go home. LOL I hope you all keep your spirits up. And hold on to the things you love and that love you back. Its a lot of work but its sure worth it for the loved ones, true family.
Ps. My aunt Mattie was married to unlce spence. she was a seamstress. my mother shoved some bags in my room one day when I opend door. I just saw an old kids shirt aunt mattie made for her dolls. its junk wont fit a child but I couldnt throw it away @#$:)

glad - you will adjust You have had so many changes in the past few years. Kudos to you for coping with it all

Oh madge - all these things happening around you. You and the Viking are real troupers! Enjoy the Mexican and Fargo et all.

vær så god

Glad
I'll be thanksgiving ing alone as well

So happy to break bread in cyber space with you

No idea if mom will still be in the SNF or back at hoca this week but
I'll be grateful just have to have a day off work

I ordered a DVD of the first season of better things - an Fx comedy - someone recommended here on A/C - and plan to watch or go see that Frances McDormand (Fargo) movie 

Was going to join bro and his family at a restaurant for dinner but he had a freakish accident and is in a rehab facility himself now

My niece and nephew don't even go visit him so I'm sure they won't want to go to dinner and I don't feel like picking up the tab just to go out

In fact I'm out by myself now at my favorite Mexican restaurant
Family owned and waiter asked about mom

Anyway, teusen takk

I will be ok, not the first time alone on the holiday. So much easier when the kids were young, no spouses, no children. And ex and I always included both mom's as both were single. Just strange. I will adjust. It is still so new.

Well, modifying my plan again. Thinking now that buying a larger condo would work for a permanent residence. There are pros and cons for single family housing vs condos and the pros may work more in my favour at my age. R, on the other hand, is an outdoors, live in the country type of guy and probably has quite a few more years he can do that. So, the thought occurred to me, that the condo is good for me now, and him as he ages down the road, but he needs an acreage or something. I looked around real estate and there are some nice small acreages as recreational properties near the many little lakes in the area. and affordable, as the condo is not as expensive as a house. So that way we could have the benefits of both. He could build a storage shed, store his equipment, have a workshop, park trailers and his large truck, plant a garden if he wanted to - whatever! I would enjoy to go out and be in the bush and to fish and possibly canoe in a nearby lake. If he wants to tent out there sometimes - great! Hmmm!!!!

Interesting happening yesterday - I submitted an online form for snow angels to come out and shovel. They said it would take a couple of weeks. Very shortly thereafter, a lady knocked on the door and asked me if I wanted her to shovel my driveway. I asked her if she was from snow angels. She said no and that she just lived around the corner and she and her two boys were looking to make a little money for Christmas. I asked how much "$20.00 was the answer so I said yes. She gave me a pamphlet with her name and number on it for future jobs, and I saw she owns a fly in sport fishing lodge. We chatted and long story short she said she could offer R a job guiding. They did a good job on the snow (I must call them again for tomorrow). I asked if they wanted the bar frig I had in the kitchen, which was waiting to be disposed of .One of the lads took it, and I expect I can pay them to chop some firewood for me and do other odd jobs. Woo Hoo! I wonder if she does windows??? Looking good!
On the other hand I am panicking a little about all the work that has to be done to get this house ready for sale, but it has to happen sometime. Deep breaths!!!

upset - glad your aunt is doing well, and that you and pj made it to Disneyland and are having some fun with grands.. Your cousins are unbelievable. The slap sounds warranted if a slap ever is. Also glad you have some good family. They never get as much press as the bad ones. Sorry about your dil's father

ali - yeah, guys are fixers. Too much, too soon! Take your time with the other stuff and cry all you want. it helps. I hear you that it is difficult doing the mental work of sorting for tossing, but the rewards are great. I need to do a whole lot more.

sharyn - good to get the open enrollment done. Have a nice quiet Thanksgiving and have fun with the dogs! I would love 48, even with a wind.10 here and a snow warning, lots having fallen already.

kellse - lol I have been thinking of novels set in the south too.

oh pamz!!! - fil at it again. "poor me"" stuff.

book (((((hugs))))

east - hope you make those trips one day. Too bad you were not able to go to camp as a kid. Your mother will survive Thanksgiving. One constant of life is that it changes. We all have to adapt to them. I am glad your mum has agreed to some on line shopping. It is so much easier.

glad - sorry you are alone during the holidays. Volunteering sounds good if you have the energy. Being alone is the norm for me now and it is OK.

noticing the margeaux is gone again and jessie hasn't be around. I hope they are ok.

(((((((hugs))))) to all.

pamz, in FIL's defense, I know how it feels to have nowhere to go. My daughters are going out of town, son, well he and his wife, don't often invite ANYONE to their place. I was fortunate to be invited two years ago. Last year was fun, kids all made gingerbread houses using graham crackers. That was the year that I had just finished caregiving. Now I am so often forgotten, so a quiet home alone for me. May just call and see if they need volunteers for the community dinner. But, introvert me. Pardon my pity party.

East, I hope you have a good Thanksgiving. It's so hard to balance everyone's needs. We're here in CA and are planning to take grandchildren to Disneyland. But, our plans have had some small changes. My DIL got a call from her Mom in WV. Her Dad has endstage lung cancer and has gotten worse. So she left this afternoon to go to WV to be with her family. So we won't be seeing her. It's always something.

I would love to have a video of my 91-yr-old aunt slapping my cousin.

Weather is so nice here 72.