The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

To Upsetsister: Wow, that funeral must have been really wild ! My dream is to get the chance to see California, and I am determined to see the Pacific Ocean before I am too old to travel. I have a third Cousin near Sacramento, CA, and my Husband has a 1st Cousin in L.A. My Husband also lived in Oakland for one year, in 1970, just for fun, and for the freedom to be away from his Parents. I guess it was much easier, plus cheaper, to move around back then. When my Husband was growing up, his Parents traveled a lot, and they usually went on vacation. He also went to a very good summer camp in Maine - Camp Manitou (outside of Waterville) for many summers and he loved it there. When I was growing up my Parents did not travel or ever go on vacation, since my Mother would not fly. I would ask my Mother if I could go to summer camp with my friends, but she said No - every year - and said that she did not believe in summer camp. My Brother and I spent our summers sitting on our front steps or playing in our backyard, there was nothing wrong with that, but sometimes we would get bored. My Father was a Veteran of WW2, and I suspect that he had PTSD, which was never discussed or ever diagnosed. He was always very nervous, and later in life he was a Hypochondriac and a big Hoarder. He never learned how to drive a car, he was too paranoid. My Mother did not get her Driver's License until she was 45 years old, and then she bought herself a car, but other than going to visit relatives, we never really went anywhere. As for the latest news on Mom and Thanksgiving: My Mother has 3 Granddaughters (my kids - ages 44, 41, and 35) and 2 Grandsons (my Brother's sons - ages 33 and 31) and 3 Great Granddaughters (my Grandkids) and one Great Grandson (my Brother's Grandson) who is the son of my Mother's favorite Grandson. So, her oldest Grandson is her favorite of all her Grandchildren. So, I just found out that my Mother's favorite Grandson, his Wife, and their one year Son will be going to visit another relative, and will not be going to my Mother's house until late on Thanksgiving Day. My Brother (who will not eat turkey) wants to have fish for Thanksgiving. Well, my Brother never took her food shopping this weekend either, so she could not get a turkey anyway. Of course, I am feeling really bad that my Mother can't have all the relatives that she wanted and she won't have the big Thanksgiving dinner that she planned on having. But, at the same time, I am SO relieved that we do not have to do all that driving, and my Husband can't see at night anyway. We will be going to our youngest Daughter's house, which is a very short and easy drive. I do realize that my Mother thinks that my Husband and I are still in our 30's and that we can drive everywhere like we used to. I know that is difficult for her, and heartbreaking too, to face all of these changes. Yesterday, my Husband and I helped my Mother with some of her shopping - she agreed to let us buy some Birthday gifts - on-line - for her Great Grandson. I told her how much easier it is to shop this way. At least we got that done for her. Well, that's it for today. Thanks All.

FIL called .. list of medical problems,, where is hubs ( avoiding this phone call..LOL ) what are we doing for Thanksgiving? I am working.. hubs is ..uhhh taking out the trash. What are you doing for Tgiving? OH bil and sil are going to their daughters ( I know he is invited) He says he is looking for another place to go! Oh well,, I am working! If he wants to come on Wed he is welcome.. but not Thursday! Then I said I would have hubs call him back (hubs is hiding in garage) He is no dummy( either of them ) he says "well maybe he will". Yep,, all I can do is tell him you called. Monkey in the middle here! I just get tired of being the bad guy who doesent "make" hubs call back ( and I have also "lost the copy of the will".. etc) This gets old!

Made it to CA. It was 27 F when I left ME. 68 here. I'm fighting sleep. Been up since 5:00 am EST. 5:30 PST in CA. I hate the time change. Good to see my son and grandchildren. Everyone have a nice weekend.

It's 6:30pm and I'm in bed and very happy to be here. Fingers crossed that plenty of rest will set me mostly right. I'll finish my ride share application tomorrow. Just went and passed my inspection, woo hoo.

Guest, thanks for hugs and input, much appreciated. These 2 guys the past week are a little bonkers, imo. I understand the desire to fix but... when I've just met them and they're wanting me to move in, telling me about their millions of dollars they are going to make... yikes. Just weird. I guess they think that's what I want to hear, but "slow and steady" is much more appealing to me than "instant relationship." I'm just surprised they would say things like that at our age. Do they really think it works like that, or that's what I want to hear, that's what I'm impressed by?? That I would go, "Sure thing! I know it's our first date and I don't know you at all, but let me plan a future with you." -__- I'm not flattered by it because I'm sure they've said same thing to last 5 women they've been on dates with. Just odd to me.  

I suppose there is sometimes a reason why single men are still single lol. 

Upset, I said it was "Jerry Springer" type stuff, but really, it's more daytime drama. The villain gets a well deserved slap. I appreciate what you said about your mom coming from a large family, and some of that family are very nice people. The baddies are just so very bad, they can take up most of the air in a room, cause things to be unpleasant for everyone else at times. Glad to hear the aunt is doing well after heart attack.

Sharyn, nice to get an update on how you're adjusting to "new" town. It sounds nice, but I can understand why things might feel slow on some days. Thanks for your advice about crying. I don't like feeling sad, of course, but if it would help to get the stress out, to have a cry and move on... worth a try right now. Puppies sound fun!

Bookluvr, My aunt who had the heart attack is doing well. My aunt who slapped my cousin is enjoying her moment. Most family members said it was the highlight of their day and they thought my cousin deserved it.

Upset, I would too. At least puppy shenanigans is mostly cute and funny. Enjoy my home state during your Thanksgiving holiday!

Upset, I had to reread your comment about what your cousin said after the funeral at the restaurant. The gall of her! To actually stand up and Complain how stingy/tight-fisted aunty was on the funeral expenses And the restaurant! I couldn’t believe it and actually smiled was when other aunty got up, and without warning slapped her (the best part to me)... I hope your Aunty, who’s in serious health condition, rallies and survives the heart attack. Poor woman.

Sharyn, I'd rather have puppy shenanigans than people shenanigans.

I've spent the day in airports. Just boarded the last leg of our flight. Should arrive in CA in about 3 hours. Kids have been really good.

Hi everyone,

It’s been a busy week, getting open enrollment submitted, split days off, seeing our dd and family off at the airport yesterday. It will be an interesting 10 days as we have dd’s dog. Twice the puppy shenanigans going on here. Buster graduated from puppy training today. He will start intermediate training in January.

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving as I will have Wednesday and Thursday off with just hubby and me, a quiet simple holiday.

Work is good but not very busy, we live in a small city of only 16,000. Time tends to drag on some days.

Have a good weekend, we have sun today with a high of 48, a little chilly in the wind.

Kellse, Fortunately, they're not the majority. My cousin with her remarks and behavior probably has caused all ties with her and her children to be severed. My Mom came from a large family. The vast majority of my first cousins are all nice people who work and have nice families. Unfortunately for me I had a bad brother.

Upset, sometimes I feel I am reading "Of Human Bondage" when I read about your cousin or that side of the family lol.

Ali, Cry, rant, rave! Do it for yourself. Sharyn is absolutely correct sometimes a good cry is worthwhile.

Ali, hugs. You are right, coping by just going forward is sometimes all we can do. Be careful about elder sales, your kind ethical heart would shrivel. Guys are fixers, they are wired that way most of them. Even if you can’t do it now they will push solution. You are grieving, situation with Trust just prolonging. 2017 has been an a$$kicker of a year. But we are here with each other, that matters.

Ali, while it may seem self indulgent, a good cry for a day or two, can be very helpful, healing.

I don't know if it's better to cry or not cry. I truly don't know and maybe the answer is "it depends." For a long time - I don't know how long - I did notice that I didn't cry very much, even in situations where I felt like I should. I was probably a little numb, and I was medicated to some degree, too. And now lately it's like floodgates have opened and I just want to cry, cry, cry, cry, cry... and I don't know if that's silly and self indulgent and also self destructive, so I hold back the tears. Mostly. There would never be an end to crying about "it's so unfair"... lol... and I know you guys get that, and thank you. It certainly isn't fair lol. Nothing about giving to a situation that hurts you, that wasn't your doing, isn't your "fault" is fair. And... it touches on my worst emotional sore spot because my dad has ALWAYS been a hurtful presence in my life and to STILL be dealing with it... ayiyiyi. When does it end? Does it end? Some of you have posted about this very thing and I think it varies for each of us, of course, but clearly if you are triggered by something new, it brings up the history of hurt, too. Yeah, it's the very definition of PTSD, as best as I know. I don't know how long I let these really horrible feelings continue, and see if they level off, or if I do something about it. And would that something be, exactly? I'm not sure right now. I'm doing what I know to do:  get out of the house and try to live my life, one day at a time.

Upset ~ wowsers. I mean, you know there is dysfunction, but when you see/hear it put on full display, in full effect like that... it's stunning. No one hits anyone in my fam lately, but it's happened a few times over the years. And the fact that your aunt hadn't previously been a hitter and felt compelled to slap the cousin one time.... What a situation,"Jerry Springer" level of things, I'm so sorry. At least your one aunt is deceased and is at peace despite the horrible way she was honored at the dinner given for her funeral. And as for your other aunt, I hope she recovers well. Wow.

Hey all, I had a first date tonight from online dating site. I probably didn't need to do that in the midst of grieving and PTSD and major anger and all the emotions lately but... I also feel like... I want to do some small steps for new things, and I've sat home and nursed myself for as long as I care to. I don't know if healing works like that, but I'm telling myself that it does for me right now. 

Date-guy tonight was 2nd guy I've met in a week who pitches the "I'll take care of you and all your problems, I've got your solution" stuff. I don't take it seriously, how could I, but it's weird. (Thing is, I'm not looking for an instant "solution" either, or some codependent thing... just weird.) Either I meet guys who don't seem to have a clue how much this situation has affected my life or they think they're the solution to all my problems. Either way, they don't get it, and how COULD very many people get a caregiving situation like mine, or just caregiving full time.  Unless you do it, how would you know. 

I do 2nd ride share inspection on my car tomorrow and then I can drive ride share service. A couple of friends have said they think it's a good idea for me right now and I agree. It will be some amount of income I can make on my own schedule and I'll meet tons of people. I have to keep looking for long term employment in meanwhile but I can be more selective if I have the ride share money coming in. I'm not doing very good on that front, about keeping after full time positions, and I have to read more about keywords for present-day online application process. I haven't written my resumes (plural, because tailored for different industries) in the way I need to to get more interviews per application. I need to make it a priority but honestly... I know I'm not ready, mentally and emotionally, for some of these jobs. I'm trying.  I said I wanted jewelry sales and I definitely do, but I also want to interview for some elder care facility sales positions, too.  Or hospital (foundation or other non-medical) positions.  Health care is a great industry and I have elder care and business development experience.  I don't know.  I want a little more time to sort it out.  But holiday time is here and temp retail position would be good, but same money as ride share and the ride share is something that will allow me to take a day off if I really, really need to because I'm just not doing that good that day. And I think I need to do that for right now. 


I currently have the large majority of my 25-30 handbags in the dining room, going to take in to a consignment place to sell off. I have so much STUFF... some of them are high end designer leftovers from a life I don't need or even want anymore. Does that sound uppity? I had disposable income, I bought nice trinkets or exes did, and I just don't even have the space for all that STUFF anymore. I can't wait to downsize it all. It's difficult to do the mental work of clearing things out, but I won't miss any of the stuff once it's gone.

I'm not doing all that good right now, but I feel like if I just put one foot in front of the other right now, somehow things will be ok. It's actually very comforting to be in the middle of all these people in the city right now. :-)

Yeah. I'm having a tough time but I've got this One Day At A Time thing down by now, and I'll keep stepping. No self pity (sure try not to), just some heartache that goes from "I can do this, isn't it great to be moving on" - to - "this pain is too much" every single day lately, up and down. Appreciate your prayers, thanks. ((((hugs))))

Guest, They were a pair. My aunt who is 91 just called. She said the only good thing that happened was her getting to slap my cousin. She said she had always wanted to do that. I am so over my cousin and her family.

Upset, sorry about aunt. Bad bro and cousin were a dysfit.

Got a call earlier from a cousin. Her mother is the one that paid for her sisters funeral. That funeral was today. After the burial my aunt hosted a dinner at a local restaurant. It is a small local restaurant with good food and also located centrally for everyone attending. It also is easy to access for those with mobility problems. During coffee my cousin, whose mother died stood up and proceeded to tell the group that if my aunt hadn't been so cheap they would have had dinner at a nicer restaurant, that the flowers would have been nicer, etc. She also told them that I had failed to follow my mother's wishes to take care of her mother, herself, her daughter and granddaughters, that I was selfish, etc. My aunt who paid for everything was extremely upset. Another aunt, age 91, walked up to my cousin who had made the big speech and slapped her. My cousin said people were in the parking lot arguing, creating a huge scene. My cousin got her Mom and dad and drove them home. She said her mom cried all the way home she was so upset with all that happened. About two hours later, my aunt said she felt bad and collapsed. Ambulance took her to hospital and she's had a heart attack. She's in Cardiac Care Unit in serious condition. I can't believe my cousin. So ungrateful, so rude. I have never liked her, but this incident is the absolute worst. She and her wretched daughters and granddaughters make me sick. So despicable. I hope I never hear from them again. What's strange is this cousin and my bad brother were friends.

((((((ali))))) give yourself the time you need to recover. You have been through a lot and recovery doesn't happen over night. It takes some time. Then if you are up to it, some kind of reporting makes sense. The first thing is to look after you. I know I keep saying this, but it does get lost among the other demands. I need to keep reminding myself when faced with pressures. We were brought up to serve others, not to care for ourselves.

"Ali: how awfully frustrating with the Trust! It sounds like you have done everything a nice perskn wod do yo get answers & reimbursement. Would it be helpful to "out" these people thru investigative journalism or other publicity? Or perhaps with your state senator? Experience has shown me that this kind of thing can get results. Just a thought..."

I've thought about this very thing for many years, first beginning with how they handled the bad things during my grandmother's decline and death.

I asked a good friend about this last night, my ex, did he think going this route was a good idea. Right now, I don't know. The thing is -- there is enough bad, neglectful stuff they've done, and there are local watchdog groups just for elderly trust fraud and related issues... and it would probably help me to feel better if I would organize my thoughts, my major points against this bank and how they've handled family issues and wasted funds on all the wrong things, wouldn't spend for the right things... And maybe I'd feel better if I recount the situation and put it online on these local watchdog groups' boards. If nothing else, others would know they aren't alone. There are similar complaints, even against this very bank and the old Trust Officer who just retired, already online. So... yeah... maybe when I'm a little less fragile, it will be time to talk about all of this. In Chicago, a story like this won't really get much interest except within the local groups.

Just facing the day as best I can right now. :-) I'm so weary and I want to focus on things that put some life back in me. The situation I've been through with this Trust, with caregiving to a mentally challenged dad who couldn't help me fight them, I'm worn out with that right now. Enough for now. I'm going to give myself a few days, at least, to accept the idea that this is going to end just like it started: badly.

Thanks for letting me vent about this lately. It's hurtful.

Oregongirl, are you having trouble with your children being too forceful about their concerns? You do of course have every right to independent advocacy, so if the children are opposing your wishes you can seek advice from a lawyer or perhaps get in touch with your local Area Agency and see what they can suggest.

Ali, I’m sorry the Trust is not responding to you. You are right to move forward, no longer be available to them. You have done what you felt a decent person should/ would do and you can leave this behind you with good conscious. A job will open up soon for you as you continue to move forward into your new chapter.

just lost a post - inadvertently closed my browser - aaargh

ali - it sucks. Time to pull the plug!!!

guest - love the phrase about pounding salt

upset - the center is working so well. I am glad some can be paid for caregiving.

nature - good idea

Finally I think I have recovered from the fire, the evac and all the events that transpired afterwards. It came to me yesterday. Some of my peaceful feeling may also be due to taking more resveratrol, as it works to calm the brain inflammation which is part of CFS/FM. Apparently CFS/FM is seen more often in those who experienced emotional trauma as a child and therefore freak out more as adults. Parts of the brain that register emotions are parts that are inflamed. So, my new tool for evaluation of a situation is to ask myself if it is worth injuring my brain over. The answer most often is going to be "No". That may mean walking away from a situation, or may mean simply letting go and letting God more in the situation, and do what I have to, to look after myself. It feels good.

I am trying to pace myself, allowing myself guilt free downtime doing something I enjoy and letting the cares and the responsibilities of the world waft by. I may pick a few days of the week when I do not answer the phone to anyone, and just check the voice mail if it is the NH or etc. Feels like some kind of freedom.

Ali: how awfully frustrating with the Trust! It sounds like you have done everything a nice perskn wod do yo get answers & reimbursement. Would it be helpful to "out" these people thru investigative journalism or other publicity? Or perhaps with your state senator? Experience has shown me that this kind of thing can get results. Just a thought...

Ali, Wish I could give you some foolproof advice on getting the Trust to reimburse you for your expenses and hard work, but I can't.

Today we had great news at the center. We got grants for three of our caregivers to attend a home caregivers class. It will pay course fees, books and best of all the cost of a caregiver for one of the women while she is attending class. Once they complete and pass exam they will be eligible to be paid for caregiving duties in including Medicaid home waiver clients. Two of the women recently lost their mother's and need to get back into the workforce.

Our quiet nap room continues to be one of most popular activities. We had manicures and pedicures today. Next week a guest exercise instructor and a yoga instructor. Looking for a meditation person. Several people have indicated an interest in a meditation class.

Ali, you are right. You acted like a family member would - to a business. Unless you are contacted back by Trust Officer, consider it closed. If their contractors call, leave them alone. Your dad is safe. Your brother and mom are up in his affairs. Now unless a check is involved, Let Your Brother Do It. You aren’t being paid? As long as your stuff is out, let em pound salt as my nana said;)

I thought if I keep getting work done, they have to see how deserving I am of basic reimbursement for material expenses. How naive of me. They have everything they need now to sell the house, I'm out of there, there is nothing more they want or need from me going forward. I'm getting the silent treatment and it makes me wither, like this entire experience has done to me from start to finish. I feel... crazy. Sad. Weird. Bad. I did exactly what a caring person would do, what a responsible family member would do. I just wish they would see fit to finish this up on a more equitable note. They won't. And I need to stop hoping they will.

Good news about the tax bill: I called and talked to a rep, she explained it's not a new bill, but that it's currently in "uncollectable" status, so no interest or penalties, and that's a good thing for me. I can deal with it down the road when I have means to deal with it. She had good advice for me. If one is going to owe back taxes, it's best to have good advice to go along with it. I'll file some forms and get on track to get things handled in best way I can.

I'm dealing with things best I can. I'll make it one way or another. And I find new opportunities and meet new people all the time. Just wish the Trust had the guts to say - "We're not going to reimburse. See ya." And they won't say that. They'll let me twist for months. This has been happening all throughout this caregiving experience. Just sucks. :-(

Upset, I'm sorry about your aunt's death and resulting dysfunction. DYS families never stop, do they...?