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I happen to be the one my family has started process of care. Is there a website where the one receiving care can voice their concerns?
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Upset -you are so well out of all of that - or at least only available by phone. All the "poor me" stories are disgusting.
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I talked to my aunt earlier. She is paying for her sister's funeral. All of my cousins called her saying they had no money or they wouldn't do it because she had let her daughter's and granddaughter's waste so much money they didn't feel responsible. Now that she has paid for something, I'm sure they'll call her for money regularly. Those leeches would never consider getting a job. I'm so glad I no longer live there.
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upset I am so sorry that the dysfun fam has struck again. Funny how people think they are entitled to spend your money. Good that you are standing firm with "No." You answered the one who called very well.

guest - the gall is unbelievable!!! Glad you got your Thanksgiving sorted out.

ali -what surprise said!!! I am so sorry about the tax bill. When it rains it pours. Hang in there. Better is coming.

east - Your cousin needs to keep her nose where it belongs. Yes. let her cook the turkey and make your mother happy, if it is so important to her.

Combination of busy and dealing with an allergic reaction here. I had got some vegan protein powder which had all kinds of plant ingredients in it and I guess I was allergic to one or more. Sinuses are finally settling down from that hit.

Mother's NH has lost the hearing aid batteries I had sent there. They recommended using amazon, which I dId and got a notice that they were delivered Oct 25th. But no one knows where they went! So the NH as asked me to contact the courier and find out who signed for them at the NH. Obviously their system is flawed. I will call someone there tomorrow and put in a complaint. They should buy mother 60 batteries if they have lost the ones I paid for. I have heard nothing from the courier co. about my request for info.

Yay I have another date for the second cataract op - Dec 8th. I am trying to coordinate that with NH meetings - one coming up (an orientation,and not absolutely necessary) and one TBA (case meeting and necessary), and viewing condos. We will get it figured out!

Went to the eye guy to get the new lens ordered and the gal said there was a large positive difference since the cataract op. That was good to hear. The new lens will, come in about 10 14 days. I may stay here until it is ready, as I will need it after the second surgery. This are my bionic years with implants. hearing aides and plastic lenses. Moving on ...

Lost a couple of lbs from the exercising. Usually I put on weight when I exercise as I put on muscle easily, so I know I have lost some fat too, (also from how my clothes fit). My weighted vest came today. The box was heavy with all the weights. There are pockets in the vest to put the weights in - back and/or front as you wish. To begin with I will just wear the vest which weighs a few pounds itself, then gradually - very gradually, add weight. One benefit is that grocery shopping and housecleaning are easier, as my back doesn't get tired from lifting and bending. :)

Take care all and be good to you. Self indulgence is about feeling good for the moment, but brings regrets later. Self care is what makes you feel good about yourself over time.
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East, just because someone thinks that something should be done a certain way does not mean that YOU have to do it that way.

YOU are allowed to say "no, I don't care to do that".

Yes, your mom could die tomorrow, or next year, or in ten years.

Some members of my extended family rushed to various homes because "this is x's last Thanksgiving/Christmas/Easter/Roshhashannah". 

I always told my kids to show up when they were able to and when they wanted to enjoy an afternoon with their grandparents.

None of us have any regrets.
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Linda22, Good answer to East.

East, For what it's worth I think you're right about Thanksgiving. Enjoy your day with your family and no cooking. Don't let your cousin guilt you into going to your mother's. I let my mother dictate my holidays for years. My oldest grandchild is 12 years old and I've never had a holiday with just my son and his family. I wish I could go back and get some of those holidays back instead of having my mother's holidays her way. Stick to your guns and enjoy your family.
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East, so I expect you'll be telling your cousin that if she thinks it's so important she'd better go to your mother's house on Thanksgiving and stuff the turkey herself, hm?

I don't know how you keep patience with such a person.
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East, your cousin may be carrying tales or she may be embellishing - in any case, you'd do yourself a favor to not believe or put much on what she says. She is free to have her opinions on what you should do, but she doesn't get a say in what you do. The fact that you and your husband don't have the physical wherewithal to cook the big meal has not changed.

You cannot make your mom happy -- I kid that only a time machine would make my mom happy because she wants things (and her health) as they were 30 years ago ---- wouldn't we all? At some point, what we used to do on holidays must change - we just can't keep it going.

Take a big breath and continue with the plan to relish being a mom and grandma. And if you need a big dose of backbone, just think of how happy this will make your husband -- no cooking and cleaning -- just being Grandpa.
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I got a tax bill from my personal income tax return of 2007 in the mail today. They say I owe over $3k. Thing is, this is my FIRST notice, and I'm certain of that because there are no penalties or interest, just an amount of unpaid tax from 2007. I recently settled/paid a tax bill from 2009, that one had some interest, in fact the amount total almost doubled by time I paid it. It's almost like they got a little bit of money from me and decided "Let's see, is it possible she owes more...????" Thing is, I have no way to verify a 10 yr old tax bill.

I failed my rideshare car inspection today because I need to get a tire put on. That's no big deal but it will take time and I really want to start earning some income, no matter how small. Today just really sucks. I'm trying to keep stiff upper lip, chin up, all that, but... yeah, well. Nobody died.

Man, seeing that you owe $3k from out of NOWHERE when you're unemployed and on a strict budget and can't get reimbursed from Trust... well... it's not the best timing, but whatever. I'm on hold with IRS right now, going to try to make some sense of why I'm only NOW seeing this unpaid tax bill from 2007 when they've darn well known where I lived for the past 10 years....................................

Thanks for the sympathy about Trust. I sent a one-sentence email today asking for an update. It's been a week since last 3-sentence email asking for update.

I'm thinking it might be a blessing that things are so tough. I don't know HOW, exactly, it would be a blessing, but... may make me get priorities in line and simplify some things.
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Hi All, again. My last post was a little bit confusing. First of all, last week - my Brother told my Mother that he would be home on Sunday, and he had Monday off too, and he would take her food shopping for Thanksgiving turkey and food. No surprise, he did not show up on Sunday, and he never called my Mother on Sunday or Monday, so no shopping. I told her to call him and say, "So what time are you coming to take me shopping." But as usual, my Mother said she would not call him. So, as I said, yesterday my Cousin took my Mother out shopping. But, my Mother is now very shaky on her feet, and is very afraid of falling again (that is to be expected). Plus - she still has the edema in her feet and legs, and the scrapes that have not healed. She was not feeling well yesterday, with her stomach problem, but she went out anyway. My Mother has a steel determination to push herself to do things even if she feels horrible. When my Mother was in Rehab, the nurses were amazed at her high tolerance for pain, they could not believe that she did not need or ask for more pain meds. I called my Cousin this afternoon, and she was the one who told me what my Mother had said about me, behind my back. My Mother never told me what she had said to my Cousin about me. My Cousin really pushed me about going to my Mother's and cooking for her, and she made me feel so guilty about it, all over again. She said that she has much more experience with taking care of the Elderly than I do (meaning her own Mother, and her Aunts), and that I don't understand how to treat an Elderly person, and that I need to do more for my Mother, and that I need to do whatever it takes to make her happy. As I mentioned before, my Family never seems to care about me or what my problems are, they just want me to follow their orders - so they can be happy. My Mother has now locked herself up in her house, she is all alone - a hermit. She doesn't want any home help, never wanted to go to the Senior Center, never wanted to travel, stopped going to Church and lost contact will all the people there, and now she really can't get out that easily anyway. And now I am the one who is expected to make the Holidays a wonderful, happy time for my Mother and for all of the Family. I have made so many suggestions about my Mother selling her house and moving closer to me, which I know would be much better for her. But it all falls on deaf ears. Thanks again all.
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sharyn - I am sure squats and also donkey kicks will strengthen core muscle, and you will notice the benefit.

duck - so glad your mother is better towards you. Stepping back - detaching changes you more than anyone else. It is done to help you, not to change others, though some others may make some changes. Heal yourself.

guest - I am glad you are sticking to your realities. E will have to find ways to manage. As it is you are doing a lot for her. Her money, or lack of it is her problem, yours is yours.

stacey - hope Bb and his games are behind you. Yay the carpet and lino will be done by Dec!!! I am happy for you that you are getting excited about Christmas and also that you are feeling better. Let us know what the cardiologist says.

ali - Trust really is the pits, but that is nothing new. Why are you doing what the prop manager tells you to do. It is not your job!!!
" I'm tired of feeling used by this situation and... really, there is no guarantee that it won't end up playing out where I'm giving until the very end, and they never give me a dollar back" Feeling used???? You are being used, but you don't have to agree to be. They will use you as long as you allow them to. You are the one who has to put a stop to this, as others have suggested.
" I WANT a reason to leave this all behind me. I sure wish they'd give it to me" Honestly ali, I think they have given you many reasons to leave this all behind. Think about it. What you are doing now isn't working so maybe something more drastic would. If i were you , I would not do another stick of work until I had some money in hand -and I don't mean a promise of money. Set some boundaries!

cm. glad and upset - excellent suggestions
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Ali, I am not completely caught up on your story but I've tried. I am not sure exactly why you continue to work for the Trust without payment. In my husband's former business, the other owners were completely fine with people doing work for free - if there was no contract for repayment, they were not going to volunteer to pay. This is likely why your attorneys say there is little hope of recovering anything.

Stop volunteering. I am not clear why you are the contact person for the contractor and not the trustee. The trustee gets paid a percentage of the trust for their work - let them earn it and step away. Unless you have a contract, I would not do one more thing. You can tell the contractor that until you have something in writing from the TO that you cannot authorize any more work.
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To Upsetsister and Everyone: regarding Family, Funerals, and Wills. My own Husband was put through a lot of grief with his Family over his Mother's Will, etc., but it's a long story, pretty interesting but long, so I will tell you a little later on about it. Latest news on my Mother, my Cousin who is the one who takes my Mother on errands, etc. was able to take her out shopping yesterday to a well-known toy store. My Mother wanted to buy toys for her youngest Great Grandchild, a boy. I told her not to worry about buying for her Great Grand Daughter who is almost 4 years old, since my Daughter said she already has too many toys, and asked that we not buy so much this year. I talked to my Mother this morning, and found out that she did not like any of the toys that they had - because they were made out of plastic and - in her words - nothing was made out of "metal". So, I told Mom that many toys are now made out of plastic, and which - for many reasons - is much safer for kids anyway. So while they were out, my Mother started to complain - to my Cousin - about my Brother and also complained about me. Of course when I heard this, I felt really horrible. She said to my Cousin, "I have a Daughter who does not want to come and visit me, and I know that she wants to stay home for Thanksgiving". So, my Cousin started in on me. She said, "You know that your Mother is focused on having a turkey on Thanksgiving, in fact, that is the only thing she has been focused on since August." My Cousin also told me that we had to make the effort to go to my Mother's on Thanksgiving, because we are the only ones who know how to cook a turkey, and we can't disappoint my Mother because she is Elderly. So I told her that we will not make it there this year, and as I am writing this, my Husband's back hurts again, and he has had bronchitis all week, which he can't get rid of. She completely ignored what I had to say, and she said you have to make sure that you get to your Mother's house anyway. In the mean time, my Mother has asked me to help her find a new Medicare supplement plan, she needs one that will pay for all her eye drops. I have called all of her Doctors, I have called Tufts twice, and I have found out that it's not that easy to find another plan. My Mother retired from Macy's Department stores, and they are getting rid of the plan they had for the retirees. So I called Elder Services and left a message with SHINE, and I am hoping that they can help us out. It's really difficult to help from a distance. I have left messages with my Brother to let him know that I might be needing his help to find a new drug plan for our Mother, but he did not get back to me yet. I will be back later. Thanks All
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Guest, I have first Eylea treatment right after Thanksgiving. A little nervous, but I'll get over it.

Ali, I'm so sorry the Trust isn't responding the way it should.
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Guest, thanks for input. I did pursue a lawsuit against them in the past, and they knew this, right after my grandmother died. That made them circle wagons and the result was even worse as far as them just not communicating with me at all. Whether or not it's true, I perceive that I MUST work with them. There is no clear way to bring a suit against them, there are no clear damages or whatever.
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Sorry to butt in. I feel like I have no leverage with this situation with the Trust. Yes, it would be right and fair for them to reimburse my receipts, but... they haven't been right or fair from beginning. I don't know what to do. I did talk to AN (single) attorney and he echoed what attorney's in past told me, which is it's not a sure winnable case if I were to bring a suit against them. Despite everything, there's no clear way to say they are liable or responsible or whatever.

New Trust Officer is "ghosting" me, just not responding. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I'm probably going to do nothing, and get on with my life. I just wish I would have this bit of "closure" so much. It would be SOMETHING after all this heartache and illness and work.

The Trust language states the Trustees/Trust Officers can disburse funds as they see fit, it's discretionary. That pretty much means they can do whatever they want, according to attorneys who have weighed in on the matter.

I've already accomplished everything they need for sale of house, pretty much. There is a wicked part of me that wants to go take the lockbox off the house, take every key to every door, and tell them they can replace the locks or TO can communicate with me and tell me what the heck the status of my reimbursement is. Even if I did have the guts to pull off such a move, seems it wouldn't work in my favor somehow.

Just needed to whine. I have so much ahead of me, so much work to do, but it would mean a great deal to just be able to wrap up things on some kind of not-horrible note. The Trust has "permission" from my dad to pay me. That's not an issue. I don't know what's going on.... :-(
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Upset, how are eyes? thought of you yesterday when E's mom was getting her macular shot. BTW, sorry for your family's loss.
Glad, how is kitty?
Golden, you are such a go-getter despite health.
Barb, how is work? I think of you when son talks about the disability services folks and their overload.
Ali, is the Trust Officer still dodging you? I recommend a certified letter after you call and ask for "Agent of Service" at the trust offices. That signals possible lawsuit without you actually saying.
Sharyn, hope your knees improve - mine are awful this year.
East, just say no to the Master Chef. Your bro can cook. Skip Hell's Kitchen:))
Duck, remember you matter too.
Stacey, badbro can't manage to maintain the fiction. Narcs and liars can't after a certain amount of time. I'd doubt the surgery was ever scheduled since they waited so long. Bank account lack is probably due to overdrafts - he CANNOT open an account at any bank without triggering a lien of some sort. Or legbreakers:)
CM, as always. I'm binge watching Worricker Trilogy over here.
Bill Nighy always gets me for some reason...
We are currently off hook for Thanksgiving. We go out of town on Thursday AM driving to see son. I prodded husband into calling his parents to advise we were not available. He got MIL who was lamenting her lack of visitors, holidays alone, etc. His mom.
My best wishes and love to all of you - if I forget folks, not because I don't care but because boss walks in:)))) Break done.
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Guest, I know exactly what you are talking about. Back years ago my son was at university with only me helping him pay. I was working two jobs to help him. He had two jobs himself. My aunt who died yesterday asked me to give her daughter some money every week. I couldn't believe it. I said no her daughter and granddaughters could get a job. Deadbeats always want more.
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Upset, when my aunt (mother's sister who was living with her) died, aunt had spent every nickel of the CD's and investment account that my grandmother had left that was supposed to be shared with my mother. Guess what, it wasn't. Aunt lived with my Mom rent free and delayed filing Social Security because my Mom was paying for everything and "she'd get more if she waited". Aunt spent money like water on my cousin, sending him and bachelor party to Mexico before wedding, etc. My mother owned her house, had paid off her mortgage with NO help from Auntie or various relatives that lived with my mother on their dysfunctional courses. When aunt died, my cousin demanded the bank account info - no money! where is it? investment account info - no money! where is it? My mother gave him all my aunt's paperwork (remember, this is the son who would not let his mother, my aunt, live with him in 5 bedroom house - not enough room with him/wife/1 child living there...) and cousin then asked when he would be getting "aunt's share" of the house. She had told cousin that she quit paying for stuff for cousin because she ran out of money paying for the house. Imagine the chagrin when not only was there no payoff on house, no life insurance, no pension, and no bank account/investments to fund cousin's lifestyle, there was not enough money to cremate and bury her. My cousin asked my mother to pay entire amount - she paid half. Same cousin came sniffing around when my mother died asking if she had left money to grandkids, and since his daughter looked upon my mom as Grandma....no again. Same cousin lost his house to foreclosure when he couldn't pay the balloon payment and asked my sister for loan to tide him over. My sister's response same - it would not be a loan, it would end up a gift because he had no means to pay it back. She said no - told me that if he could not afford to live in house, it would be throwing good money after bad. Cousin didn't speak to sis for a year. The gall baffles me, too. The fact that you have money is not a gateway to fund all the deadbeats in the world - and yet they think it is.
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CM, Maybe executor of my aunt's nonexistent estate????
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Five sisters. Two perfectly ordinary, the other three dysfunctional to varying degrees.

We could write quite the novel or perhaps an anthology of the worst of the worst short stories.
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Or just think of the soap opera we could all get together and write! So many different happenings that the very large majority would be ready to watch. And never in the world think it was at all real. Many people would be binge watching our stories. 😁
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Upset, you could write a novel, couldn't you!
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Executor of what, exactly?!

I have to say, this family's incorrigible brass neck is quite something, isn't it - they don't seem to learn! How many sisters were there altogether? - just wondering how many more of them are going to be imagining that The Family Treasurer will solve all their problems.
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My mom's dysfunctional family strikes again. Got a call from one of my mom's sisters late afternoon. She called to tell me that my 93-year-old aunt died this morning. This is the aunt whose children tried to dump her with me. The aunt who called kept saying don't you feel bad that you didn't take care of her?. I asked her if it was that critical why didn't she, her husband, and her adult daughters take care of her. She had no answer.

 About an hour later the funeral home called. I've known the owner my whole life. They have done funerals for everyone in my family. He wanted to know how I was taking care of the funeral. I told him I wasn't. He said that my cousin and her daughter's had told him I was in charge and paying for everything. I said no I had nothing to do with it.

 I called her  brother. He hadn't been told his mother had died. He said they weren't doing anything. I then called my cousin and asked her why she gave the funeral home my name. She said she knew I would want her mother to have a nice funeral, wake and dinner. I told her no that wasn't my problem. She started crying and carrying on about what a horrible life she and her daughter's had and how I had everything blah, blah, blah. I asked if her mother had any money, life insurance policy, etc. they said no she didn't have anything like that. Whine, whine! They wanted to know if I would loan them $10,000 so they could have a nice funeral. I told them no because they had no way to repay a loan. What a mess! 

I called their brother back. He said his brother was the executor. I called him and he told me that his Mom said my mother told his mother that she would take care of everything. I asked if he had anything in writing. He said no. I told him that I knew my Mom would never had told her that and if she had she would have put it in writing. I told him they would have to take care of this themselves. He was mad that I wasn't going to take care of things. I said I was sorry it was their responsibility. I hung up on him. 

Since then I've gotten three or four more calls from various relatives. All of them mad that I'm not jumping in and taking on this expense. They think because I got money from my dad and uncle's farm that I should spend it on some funeral. I don't know what's wrong with all of them. Dysfunctional drama and stress I don't need. My Mom and her family are the gift that keeps on giving. Although I honestly don't think my Mom had anything to do with this mess.
(12)
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Ali, Glad and CM have give some good advice. When the property manager calls making requests, tell them you cannot process their requests until they guarantee you payment for your work and reimbursement for any supplies you need. The Trust is not doing their job if you are not being reimbursed.
(4)
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Ali, you have spent your time and funds on this house and dad for six years without any sort of payment. Time to stop without any sort of reimbursement. The tasks they ask you to do now should be paid for either on a task by task basis or hourly, including travel time! You have other things you should be tending to. You time in that trench is done. You may want to get a free consult with an attorney to see what they suggest. Do you have a copy of the trust? Refer to it as it probably states that no one should pay for items or provide services without payment. My Mom's did.
(8)
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Ali, how about trying a "left hand, meet right hand" approach - when the Property Management guy calls you with yet more instructions, tell him you'll be happy to co-operate - pending the outcome of your enquiries to his Trust Officer colleague. Then fold your arms/be a broken record until you get the response you want.

I haven't yet had confirmation of x y and z.
I won't be able to action that until I have heard from Ms TO.
Of course; but I will need first to speak to...

etc.

With a bit of luck he'll end up being as frustrated and annoyed as you (quite rightly) are; the difference being that he can find out where she is.
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Not a peep from (relatively) new Trust Officer in 2 weeks. I know she is out of the office often, I wonder if she has small children, or her own caregiving situation, who knows. But fact remains that I don't hear from her even if I'm just asking her to "check in" with me. This is reminiscent of how other TO was -- he ignored me as he pleased because he could. I don't know what is going on. Property Management guy from same company has no problem calling on me in past few weeks to do things that need doing to facilitate clean up and sale of the house. I'm tired of feeling used by this situation and... really, there is no guarantee that it won't end up playing out where I'm giving until the very end, and they never give me a dollar back. It stinks. It's also reality. I'm not sure what I'll do if they categorically refuse to reimburse. I suppose I would give their Trust horrible reviews wherever I could and that's about the only recourse I could have. And the thing is... I feel they are deserving of terrible reviews, but isn't it funny that if they would only reimburse some of my material purchases, that would be enough for me to just wash my hands of everything. I WANT a reason to leave this all behind me. I sure wish they'd give it to me. I fear they won't. I fear it's more of the same from them.
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Well, hubby has been home 3 full days, and still no word from his Brother, not that I expected he would call, but really? What a POS! I'm so glad I didn't take that call from him on Friday, while hubby was traveling back home, as it would have been filled will excuses, trying to sway me to see his side of the reasons why he didn't "put himself out" in any way to enjoy his time with my husband, and why didn't my husband go to dinner on Thursday night, after waiting all day long for a phone call from him.

Still, hubby is glad to have seen for himself and is glad it's all behind him. And expensive lesson, but done and done!

On a happier note, our carpet is in, and installation should begin in the next few days, plus we just bought 2 lots of furniture for livingroom and family room, it comes in 2 weeks, so Yeah, it will be all done by December 1st! 

Dd is having Thanksgiving at their place on the Friday after the holiday, so that is settled too, Lol! I hate that anyone feels to be put out doing a big meal, but she seems fine with it now, and her hubby is excited to cook for us all.

I'm getting excited for Christmas, first time in a Long time! I'm even happy to cook a big Christmas dinner this year! I can't wait to decorate! Definitely planning on doing most of the Christmas shopping online, that's for sure! I'm feeling better with my chest symptoms, and in general now! Follow up with the Cardiologist this week, to see how my tests turned out.

Glad, so happy you had a nice visit with your Grandies and family, sorry about your ex and his dx! That's a rough one!

Hope everyone is doing well!
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