notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Is there a special program in your state, and what's the name of it? I'd like to see if we have anything similar in Michigan.
As to "The Dilemma", I think you're already doing more than most people would. And you probably know that your friend has become reliant on you and probably won't become more self reliant without some withdrawal of your assistance. Tough to do for a best friend. But sometimes you have to take away the training wheels so a child can learn to ride by him/herself.
Just set your own boundaries, reach that point and indicate that you just can't do any more. And since we're all familiar with therapeutic fibbing, maybe infer or come right out and say that your own health is being compromised. And, actually, perhaps it is. Worrying takes its toll, as does missing 3 days of pay.
The brutal truth is that we live in red state where you don't always get good care in facility. Our county is one of those with long waiting lists for Medicaid Waivers; most of the semi affordable facilities are too expensive for E or her Mom, and she can't keep her house without Mom's income. They make too much money as household together to qualify for our city's utility/property tax besides over 65/yard maintenance/home health programs. Neither of them want to go to senior center for adult day care or meals because "it's all old people". And Meals on Wheels, ewwww. I've been trying to get one or both qualified for the transit pass, but E got on the wrong side of the case worker in a phone interview. So I'm trying to help in cleaning up her "I'll never use your service ever in a million years" mess. Part of the problem is that E and Mom don't see a reason to pay when they've got me and my husband. They are not bad - truly - they've both been there for me, my son, and my husband over the years. But Boundaries is NOW my middle name, ya know. I agree that E is overwhelmed, and being a narcissist she is desperately trying to fill in the gaps that not having a husband, children, or siblings to assist in Mom's or her own care involve. E has no retirement savings. Their only vehicle is probably totaled. So I'm trying to help them stay afloat while organizing as best I can without going down with the ship. I'm trying to make this a tipping point to trigger getting paperwork filled out so I can help guide them a path that will allow for help later greater than we can provide. It's an object lesson - a frail elder is only one crisis away from disaster. Helping without enabling is its own challenge:)
Sorry Guest and Glad.
After trying numerous podiatrists, I found one we really like. Not only is she very professional, she's also very friendly and thorough. She's the first podiatrist we've had who always checks for a pedal pulse, who examines foot and leg skin integrity, and always asks about any recent health changes.
As Dad described the former doctors, they're essentially like: "they come in, say hello, snip, snip, snip, oh, sorry for cutting your skin, snip, snip some more, put a little bandaid on the cut, then 'see you in a few months'." Not exactly a paradigm for good office chairside manners.
She's a role model for what a podiatrist should be. I'd like to clone her and create a new PCP out of her style!
Guest, I almost became nervous myself as I read your post. I even started shivering as I thought of the mother sitting in the crashed car with rain and wind blowing in on her.
I completely agree with your and CM's assessment. Your friend needs some help, but can't rely on you.
What you can do is help her make a plan, but she'll have to implement it. And from what you write, I suspect even that will be difficult.
In her support though, if I were in the car accident situation, I might not be thinking very clearly. It sounds like the weather was bad, her mom should have been moved by the police to their car to keep her warm, she was upset if not frantic, and people don't always think clearly in those conditions.
The junk (including food) in the car makes me wonder if she too is stressed not only by her medical condition but from caring for her mom, compounded by the accident and the anxiety of how to get around. It sounds like she's overwhelmed and isn't keeping up with things.
As to transportation, are you in an area with a major public transit company that can provide small bus a/k/a paratransit a/k/a point- to-point services? In my area it's only a few dollars one way, but it is limited to (if I remember correctly) 10 miles from the home to the destination).
If your husband thinks you can take over a larger responsibility for your friend and her mother, perhaps asking him what he'll do and what rides he'll provide might be a jolt back to reality.
It's nice that others may think we're Wonder Women, but they're not providing the energy to be one.
And I love your comment about Denial! That's so clever!
It's very very nice of you to help your friend in a crisis. I don't personally expect that level of crisis assistance to go on right into the foreseeable future, much as I love my friends, not if they're functioning adults.
Leaning on your best friends isn't a plan. When's she going to make a plan?
Best friend E and her mom were in car accident yesterday. E called me from scene with cops and EMT's called. Her '07 Nissan rear-ended at stoplight with rainy streets. It's trashed. I left work early about 15 minutes away and went to give them ride home. This is the friend with diabetes and 90 year old mom with heart issues (prior double bypass, not a good candidate for stents and with carotid blockage)....when I get there, Mom is sitting in car with no rear window and rain/wind blowing in. I put Mom in my car with heater running. E is on phone (I thought with insurance -turns out it was another friend about 200 miles away that she was calling for sympathy while I'm standing in rain outside her car door!). Tow truck finally shows up, E starts arguing with driver about how bad damage is. The car is full of junk and E has not emptied yet. E insists there is stuff she needs out of car but can't tell me what. E has diabetes and is not tracking well at this point. I grab bag out of back of my car and start dumping the piles on seat, floor, under front seats, etc into bag. Apple cores, food wrappers, and some paperwork that looked like medical receipts. Yikes. Tow driver leaves with car for storage yard. E loses his card with address, find in pit of her purse later. Then we took Mom to her heart doctor because now she is complaining her chest hurts (she declined transport with EMT's) and then to ER. During 3 hours at ER, I find out that there is not a current list of meds with E or Mom (there's one on computer at her home) and neither of them is sure of latest meds or dosage - meds include BP, heart, diuretic, etc. Ack. I finally prod nurse who asks for name of pharmacy they fill Mom's meds at (she called them). Mom is well after EKG, xray, blood work. I take them home. I empty the bags of trash out of my car, E complaining that stuff is wet. Yep, it's raining and we stood in rain to empty your car. During drive home, 200 mile friend calls back and the laments begin about E's terrible year and how no one has so bad. Mom is coughing in back seat. I have told husband that we can help them figure out what they are doing but we are not the driving answer going forward. E only had liability on over 10 year old car - even with other driver responsible, they are gonna total it out. Value blue book in perfect condition on her car (it's not in that) is maybe $2500. Oh, by the way, I've had 4 texts already this morning with list of things she needs ride to do. I will sort it out, but husband is not listening that I can't take over both people's management and son long distance and my two part time jobs. Glad I went back on anti anxiety meds!!!!!!!!
Cmag, glad to hear your dad is comfortable and doing well. Enjoy your new city/home.
I have to go back to my pcp next month so they can draw blood work ugh! Day off but will be busy.
Take care of your health everyone!
Such a rough day for you to absorb so much - will you still be coming to SoCal for the honeymoon ?
Don't forget if you need any celebratory restaurant locations, I'll come up with a name or two for you
I was glad to hear that my A1C is normal for I do have diabetes. She's the first doctor to ever actually look at my feet which are fine. I will see her in two months and may have some lab work done. For some reason my previous primary care doctor did not send the most recent lab work results in that were taken last month.
I've joined a wellness center that is connected to the hospital here and you must have the doctor's input that you are ok to exercise. My wife and I joined this month and I went to the place tonight.
My wife and I are busy getting settled in our new house while trying to get the old house ready to sell. We are hiring people to do work for us that either we can't do ourselves or that we need those with special skills for. I hope we make a good profit on the sale of the old house to help pay for all of these expenses.
Golden, Good that a condo may be in your future.
Went to my doctors today. My kidney disease is advancing. Dialysis is in my not too distant future. My doctor told me to start thinking about whether I want to have peritoneal or regular hemodialysis. I think I want to have regular 3 times a week hemodialysis. I've been reading about the way they do it in Australia and New Zealand. They do a much slower treatment than in the US, but not as hard on your body and most people live considerably longer. Cardio guy just adjusted meds. Rheumatologist said I needed to slow down. Ophthalmologist said I need to start treatment for my diabetic retinopathy and macular degeneration. I scheduled my first treatment for the week after Thanksgiving. As I said before I'm falling apart. I may need a caregiver.
glad - Royal Doulton and sterling - what to do with them??? Such a shame when family doesn't want them, but you have to respect their tastes. Good to hear that Ming is doing so well. How is the shedding?
upset - you will be through your many appointments by now, and trying to recover from the day. How are you doing? You have a lot of health issues and still manage to keep so busy! I don't know how you do it.
book - hope you are better soon
sharyn - such good news that E does not need his tonsils out. The poor little guy has enough to contend with. Get lots of rest on your days off. I remember when we went back to work at the college after having the summer off, everyone was exhausted and had sore feet and legs from walking on the concrete/tile floors.
Got in touch with a couple of realtors and will set up appointments for us to view places when I go down for mother's first care meeting - probably in early December.
Have to get myself set up with "Snow Angels" who shovel snow for seniors. There isn't much yet, but it is coming.
Muscle pain aches again today, but some meds took care of it. Thinking again it be worth getting referred to a rheumatologist who are the ones who deal with FM.
Have a good night everyone and be good to you.
Glad, your kitty is adorable! I love watching kitties play, they are so fun! It sounds like you are really enjoying Ming.
Golden, Glad you are feeling better. It sounds like your mom is comfortable in her new room. I hope a brighter becomes available soon.
Upset, hoping all the appts go well. It is a lot of appts for one day.
Book, you sound like you are feeling better, getting over the flu.
E doesn’t need his tonsils out so one less thing to set up for him. Today is my Friday and I’ll be happy to have 2 days off. All the usual aches are back from being on my feet at work. I’m only worked 6 hours each day (30 hours ), after not working for 4 months, I feel it!
Happy health everyone
Ali, good luck on the job front. Minimalist. I had so much stuff before the big move almost two years ago now. Downsized lots, but I can see I can still get rid of much more. I have beautiful Royal Doulton China, setting for 12 and sterling. Will I ever use it again? Who knows and my kids probably will not want it. Topic for discussion over the next couple of months.
Sharyn, good for you finding a doc you like. I need to do that, haven't seen a doc in years except when I had the flu early this year.
Duck, good to see you posting again. Detach, detach, detach sit back, catch your breath and wait, patiently. It is an exercise in fortitude.
Not much here. Ming is doing great. I now have a typical, healthy, energetic and playful kitten. Those first few days all she would do is lay in my lap. Doesn't last long now, she wants to chew on my hands or hair, anything.
The bank called and I am pre approved for what I want, and have info re choices of how to arrange that. The bank lady yesterday was hilarious. She thought that I was going to be a little old lady with a cane in need of a reverse mortgage of something like that Not so!!! She was the one with the grey hair in a bun.
The testing lab guy called and gave me an update on what they have done so far, and we discussed the next move which will cost me more money, but I said go ahead. It has to go to the university for those tests.I want to know if there is anything organic in that stuff I drank. There shouldn't be. I should see a lawyer soon as, at very least, I want the testing paid for.
The OT from the NH called and we had a long discussion about mother's interests and what they might do with her or engage her in. Music, her volunteer work in Haiti, certain TV shows are some things. It looks like they are trying. She asked mother if she wanted to go to the veteran's celebration to day, but m said she was in pain, so I need to follow up on that. I think the pain is slowly becoming more and more of an issue and from what I read it is under treated in dementia patients cf to non dementia patients..
Then I had to talk to R to update him on these things and get his feedback. He is making progress with his projects.
Finally a long call with dd about my exercise program and about mother who she saw yesterday. She felt mother was comfortable and seemed content there, though m did mention to dd that she would like more light. I will look into getting a couple of lamps and also see if there are other rooms which are brighter and if she could go on a waitlist for one. So, we may have one more move yet. Dd said each time she sees mother she has faded a bit more and this time she felt that she understood less and even much talk was tiring for her.
Need to get to the eye guy and get my new right lens ordered. I ordered some vegan protein power as I know need more protein, especially with exercising. Be aware that seniors need more protein than younger people!
Take care all!
duck - take it easy and do what is good for you. Thx for the kind words. The diamond is very much in the rough sometimes. I am glad you are laying low.
ali - you are making progress. More and more I see that stuff is just stuff, but one does have some emotional attachment to it. I am still overwhelmed by the work needed to return my house to "normal" after the fire. Trying to keep perspective is a good thing. Don't let your mother cause you too much trouble over the car. Jewellery sales sounds like a good thing for you.
book - I agree - duck's sister is jealous and passive aggressive
cw - you described me - both moving mother and myself moving. It feels un-doable but I know it is doable.
sharyn - so glad your new pcp is good and kind. Ex uses vinegar for his acid reflux.You mentioned the flu a while back and I am over it, thank you.. Now to pace myself as there are lots of things to do.
Upset, the interviews were for a variety of things, but generally low-level sales positions. Thing is, I've rather made up my mind I want to do jewelry sales through the holiday season. It's that time of year where jewelry stores will hire temp help (I would think) and that would give me a chance to see if I'd enjoy that work as much as I think I would. I've never done jewelry sales but have been interested for many years. So then I'm interviewing "for practice" and also to see how people respond to me, offers, etc., but I really want to carve out time very soon to make a list of a dozen jewelry stores in nice shopping areas of Chicago, and go in and ask about seasonal work. It may not be a smart plan, I don't know. But I want to try that, hopefully by end of this week.
CW, both of my parents are hoarders, and I don't say that lightly. They are. Both of them. Full on hoarders. And when I came here to this house 6 years ago, my grandparents had kept so much STUFF (clothes from the 60s, bags of paper towel cardboard tubes, you name it) and it was everywhere. I've seen where this keeping of too many possessions goes to, and I don't like it. I now realize how much I was on a similar track before caregiving with my weekly shopping trips, with my collections of things that were growing larger all the time. My ex boyfriend did the same thing, just different categories (he had a couple hundred cookbooks and bought them weekly, but didn't read them, same for movies on CDs), so I didn't think much of my behavior. I've been reading Becoming Minimalist blog for a few years and it's changed the way I see *things.* Stuff is meant to be used; it isn't meant to use us and take up our time dealing with our stuff. So... I think I've changed for good, but at least for sure I've changed for now. I have a head full of thoughts about STUFF and what it can do to people who are continual consumers.
Book, thanks. :-) I admire you, too, for the same reason. And my gallows humor says "What choice do we have, really? Can't lay down and die, unfortunately, haha, so must keep moving."
I'm down at old house for a few hours, doing loads of laundry for linens that came out of storage. Local mechanic shop is giving my new car an oil change and thorough once over. I made the mistake of telling my mom that I was selling my old car and she wants to buy it from me. I don't care that she wants to buy it from me, I care that it will take her at least a week to figure out how she's going to come after it, and for the amount I want for it, I could've sold it quickly up here. Well. It's ok. I told her she MUST make a decision and get up here to get it within a few days. But... I just don't see that happening. I hope I'm wrong.
Positive thinking, one day at a time and all the other cliches sound trite, but still are true. ((hugs))