notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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I got a new-to-me car (2010 4 door hatchback/compact: clean, low miles, and just the right kind of economy car for me right now) and that needed to be done and I managed to do it w/o borrowing any money which is no small feat as an unemployed person so very pleased about that.
The new apartment. My goodness. I am biting off a little more as I can but it is going to be a month yet before there aren't extra things & boxes everywhere, where it's still a double bookcase of random stuff on it, but at least the floor paths are cleared and things are in their new places. The difficulty is because of a mashup of a few things: I had a different life & lifestyle when I lived out west, and that's two full bedroom-household worth of stuff that went into storage and now came straight to new apartment. Now combining with past 6 years of living in 3 bedroom house (with enough closet space for individual linen closet, sundry closet, handbags & shoes closet, 2 clothes closets, 1 good size coat closet...), plus grandparents' things that I just can't bring myself to part with. Throw it all together in one cramped 1-bedroom apartment and I'm working to figure out where it's all going to go. BUT... I like this exercise in prioritizing my possessions, and this is something I need to do, to whittle things down to a manageable amount, only keeping things that are needed and relevant now, etc. It will be good to keep at it for awhile. And... it's good to have that mentality about it, and not feel it weighing on me like it was for first few weeks. It felt darn near impossible for a bit there. Now just feels like a lot of work that needs to be done and I'll be happy and proud of myself when it is done.
Three interviews last week. I didn't come away with any solid offers but I may get one yet. I also didn't even LIKE 2 of the positions and hope they don't offer me anything, haha. I feel ok. I have until the end of this year to find something that really works for me, and really... I could stretch it out longer if I really felt it was best. I'm ok and I have plenty of things to keep working at and selling off as needed. I'll get by. It's not ideal but it will work out. I think. I keep telling myself that I may fail but I haven't failed yet and so why don't I just keep working hard every day on things and if I do fail, I'll deal with it then.
I'm never going hungry. All is well. Perspective. I'm trying to keep my perspective.
I hope you guys are good. I read, just haven't had much to say or been too tired to say it. :-) (((((hugs)))))
Its sad to see that my sisters hate for me is hurting my mother. If I get her food or make it and my mother doesnt eat it my sister will let it sit there. Next day I have to stop my mother from eating something that is sour from day before. When I mentioned same to my sister her response is she didnt eat your food she had something else. There is no followup or monitoring with my sister. The other thing I notice is she doesnt like it when my mother responds nicely or with concern about me.
Today as I was leaving I gave her a bag of chocholate candies and she says thanksand did i eat. My sister was sitting there like she was settled in. In fact she was home a little earlier than usual. In one minute she was gone like the normal coversation between me and my mother just invalidated her mission.
Well I continue to pray for guidance and strentght and wisdom. I dont know what the true root of this and it is very ugly and will get worse. I am just hoping to be able to keep my head and guard my mind and spirit becuase there is a lot of ugly spiteful issues at play and I dont want to play into these things. I am trying to focus on me and take care of these things I have to deal with out side of my twister and mother. But the situation still lays heavy on my heart.
This will be my first Thanksgiving away from my son. Since he was in college I just started going where he was and then he got married and had a family. I am going to miss them.
Holidays at my mother's house were me doing the shopping and cleaning and helping my mother cook. mostly sides. My sister coming bringing nothing , not helping to clean and leaving with dinner for her family for next day. I even used to make her a separate ham because she liked them so much.
The last Xmas I sat and watched everyone get gifts. I was an outsider, it hurt but seeing who my sister truly was made it better. The year before I told my nephew he was the only one in family that gave me a gift. The next year I got nothing from him. My other nephew left his gift under tree for about 6 weeks. I finally gave it away.
So this year my job as me to cover with a light incentive. Yah!! I am relieved of even entertaining the thought of preparing a meal for my mother that she probably wont eat or thinking of making dinner and inviting cousin and my mothers friend for dinner.
I love my client and I love to give her hugs and recieve them back. I will be where one little person in this town loves me back.
No cleaning Yah!!, no shopping YaY!! and no cooking Yahy!!!
CM, its wonderful that the kids can get past the parents dysfunction. I am with you 100% about getting twisteds together. I let my son talk me into this severl times. Each time I wanted to yell at him "dont you get it". This last time I asked him if he has ever heard anything I have said about me and my sisters dynamics.
Also he was always getting the family together and it is wonderful. We bond have a good time. Give love and feel like an important part of something bigger. Only my sister and her two sons never show.....
I could just picture those young men carrying your mother up the stairs at son party. It even had me smiling from ear to ear.
Upset, Boy oh Boy!! oh Boy!!!, you are doing your thing!! Positively impacting lives. I really trully admire you and your cause. I am rooting for you in my heart and spirit.
Golden, I was reading earlier and again I must say I truly admire you. I have caught bits and pieces of your family ordeal and I look up to you. You give me hope. I see you and I think maybe I can get through all of this. I dont want to be bitter or turn ugly. You still shinning like a diamond through all that ugly stuff. Still beautiful and good in heart. Thanks for your encouragement. I know there is a bigger picture to be seen and that I need to step back. I just have moment of guilt and then I am so used to doing or fixing things trying to make things right. This whole thing is wrong in everyway and then again maybe its just right and I continue to detach and go up and down with it.
I have much love for you all.
sharyn - dd is so much better and I appreciate it very much. So glad the new dr is good and child oriented. It will lessen stress a lot for your dd. The turkey recipe sounds like a good compromise and very easy to make.
upset - rheumatoid arthritis must be tough. I am glad you are not getting many flare ups. The literature says that when you have CFS/FM, rest is your best friend and also pacing yourself. I used to be high energy and could push myself to do what I wanted to. I can't anymore. Breaking up with ex in the '90s was the trigger, but the susceptibility was laid years before. Now research is linking trauma (particularly emotional) in childhood with CFS and FM. The stress from childhood trauma, as we well know, comes with us into adulthood and is exacerbated by caregiving the abusive parent, and any stress in general. Hence, the need to take care of ourselves and reduce stress as much as possible. Meeting your caregiver's parents sounds like a nice idea.
stacey "Me" time coming up!!! You haven't had much of that for a long while. Don't overdo it prepping for the renos. You are wise not hosting any Thanksgiving meals. Too bad that sil is a troublemaker. But everyone will enjoy a meal at her place and at your dd's. Hope hub's time with his bro goes well and he doesn't get sucked into anything he will regret.
Checking with the bank tomorrow re the condo to see what kind of mortgage I qualify for. Feels a bit scary, but I know I need to move in that direction. R may yet get a job here, but there is nothing solid in the offing.
Got a call from the NH that a parcel from the Hearing Center arrived for mother. Should they open it? Ans:Yes, it is mother's left hearing aid. Open it and put it in her ear! Amazon emailed that the batteries had been delivered, so all that should be good for a while.
ali, glad, cm, duck, jessie, guest, trying, margeaux, and all - thinking of you.
Heart - haven't heard from you in a long time
Have a good one everyone - take care of you!
Ground turkey
Package of boxed stuffing mix
Moisten the stuffing and mix it in the ground turkey, add an egg and roll into to balls. Bake until done. Make your mashed taters, jar of gravy and other sides to go with it. I’ll be working so this sounds simple and perfect for us.
I'll be home, holding down the fort and alone for the first time in a Long Long time.
I've been alone so very few times in my adult life, that I won't know what to do with myself, but I'm gonna try to have Fun, none the less! I'm excited, I won't have to answer nor think about anyone else, except my little pooch, and mostly, she goes where I go, so no worries there either!
I've loads to do here around the house, getting things packed away in wait for my carpet and vinyl to be installed, and also hope to get some of the dreaded Christmas shopping done as well. At least now I've got a place to store my gifts, and hopefully get them wrapped up to in advance, to boot!
This Thanksgiving holiday, I've told All my kids to go and enjoy their holiday with their inlaws, as our house will be in a state of construction. It's unfortunate timing, but that's just the way it turned out this year. Hopefully it will all be finished, and back in order by the 1st week of December.
I've no idea how UpsetSister gets it all done so quickly, but I do so admire her organizational skills! At the moment, we're waiting on the delivery of materials.
On a funny note, I did have a phone call from eldest Son, who kindly offered a Thanksgiving dinner at their home on the Friday after the holiday, and then "apparently" my DIL threw my Daughter under the bus, saying that I SAID that my Daughter Really Really wanted to do Thanksgiving in Her home this year, and I know that I Never said that, ever! So now there's tension, none of my making, as I could give a darn about Thanksgiving in the first place. Now my Daughter and hubby are doing a post holiday meal in their home, and she's not exactly happy about it, but her "Chef" hubby is Thrilled to cook a big meal for our entire family, so she can't win, Lol!
I hate that she's stuck in the middle, but I begged her not to get into a griping session with her SIL, just to keep the peace, as it's not worth fighting over, so I offered to be the sue chef, and help with the meal prep, she not really that mad, just peaved over SIL fib. This particular DIL has always been a little trouble maker, but she's the Mother of my 2 Grandies, so I try to turn the other way to her shinnanigans. There's one in every croud! Lol!
Gotta have hubby at the airport at 3am, which is an hours drive away, so up at 1:30am, to get him there on time, so I doubt I'll even sleep until I get back, Uggg! I was the one who booked his flight, so I can't complain! I suppose he could take an Uber, but we're not modern like that yet.
It's a rain/snow/mix day here in the PNW, I so hope it doesn't turn into snow! I watched to enjoy these 5 days to myself!
Have a great Sunday Everyone!
Golden, I have rheumatoid arthritis and a flare can leave me with no energy. Fortunately, my flares have been infrequent the last year. But, stress is a big trigger for them. I'm sure having both CFS and fibro can really zap your energy.
I visited two more caregivers at their homes. One is taking care of her 94-yr-old father with dementia. Very polite gentleman, but not too aware of his surroundings. The other caregiver is taking care of her 88-yr-old mother with advanced cancer on Hospice. She was very nice, happy to have a visitor. I told her I would visit again when she felt like a visit. I had never considered visiting homes but several of the caregivers had expressed an interest in having me meet their loved ones. So I'm meeting parents as I can arrange visits.
Glad, Ming is a perfect name. I hope you take a picture for your avatar.
Golden, I hope you are recovering from the flu. Your Dd is making great progress. Enjoy your relationship with her. The unending paperwork is a nuisance.
Stacey, your bil never stops. It’s rather interesting he can postpone such a life threatening surgery until after your hubbys visit.
Upset, I’m glad the caregivers resources you are helping so many receive help through is so successful. I hope the girls and the slumber party were a great night of fun for all.
Yes, those of you discussing the dreaded holidays. There does come a time when it becomes too much stress trying to accommodate family’s needs to keep things the same as they have been for 50 years. Save yourself and do what is best for yourself and immediate family.
The new dr is great. He is very child friendly. Reassured my dd he would give referrals with no problems and for her to call the office if she is concerned or has questions. This dr has 5 boys age 10 and younger, lol!
Don’t forget to change the time back an hour tonight.
The CFS/FM has forced me to be a relative non doer for some years now, and I am still adjusting to the limitations it imposes on me. I have to budget my energy, pace myself carefully, and rest a lot - not just physically, but brain wise too. Looking after things for mother takes up a significant amount of my available energy. I had other plans for the energy I used for the paperwork. It can be frustrating. The government wanted to know that mother was still alive and thus deserving of her pensions. I would think that the facility she is in would be a better source for that information as they subsidize her costs, but in government the right hand never knows what the left hand is doing. I think it is designed that way.
Earlier in the evening I visited a couple of the caregivers at their homes and met their mothers. Both have advanced congestive heart failure. Very nice ladies. It's difficult to see the poverty. My son used to talk about it in high school, but I wasn't exposed to it much. I worked in jobs at the University that provided housing on campus and I was somewhat insulated from the surrounding towns. I know that poverty doesn't help things in dysfunctional situations.
Just about had a melt down over a piece of mail today. Nothing special - just another form that has to be filled out. And I am not quite over the flu yet.
Sometimes it feels like Chinese water torture - the continual drip and the anticipation of the next one . I know I have it far easier than the many of you with hands-on caregiving. What gets me is that this had been going on for so long, and looks like it will go in for a while longer. Black Hole nailed it when she said she had been chosen to magically solve her mother's problems, to make her happy. This was established in childhood, right? I too have been in a 'caregiver' role for many, many, years and I am tired of it. I really have hardly known life without it. There was somewhat of a hiatus when I cut mother off for a year when I was in the midst of childrearing. What a relief! But, foolishly or not, I let her back in my life, and the problems increased.
So here I am, on the eve of needing caregiving myself, still problem solving for my mother and still fending my sister off. It is old, in so many ways.
Sometimes I wonder if that is part of the glue that holds me together, as it has been such a significant part of my life. I don't think so, but, sometimes I wonder... I wonder what life will be without this pressure, should I live long enough... I wish I could just "unhook the cart", so to speak, and wander off into the fields and smell the wildflowers...
On the other hand, I recently found out that my hairdresser was at the concert in Las Vegas where the shooting took place. Oh, goodness me. I guess visiting nursing homes isn't so bad at that.
Golden, We do have a lot of caregivers. We're an aging town and also low income - can't afford AL. And, traditionally most families have always cared for older family members in the home.
I like working with the caregivers. I'm glad we have the facilities and services they need.
duck - keep detaching - Just let it play out as long as she is safe.
sharyn - hope the new dr worked out well. Glad the boys and all had fun at Halloween. So dd's former BFF could not face you. Dd is much better off without her.
east - time to say no to doing all the work at your mother's at holidays and getting no appreciation. I agree with Linda. Time for someone else to do it. As I recall from what you wrote previously, your bro and mum were never considerate of you and your needs. They are never concerned about upsetting you. Your own family needs you with them - so go for it. Let mother and bro figure out what they are going to do be it holidays or this birthday party. Not your problem. I am puzzled why you want to see this nephew in person, His wife was very rude and unkind to you on the phone telling you what your priorities should be. I am not as generous as cm. I would not care to see them lest there be a repeat performance by them.
cm - isn't that lovely!!! I do hope they won't try to get you and your sibs together, Ugh!!! That's hilarious about your son's party. Surprise is a great tactic.
glad - mine don't socialize either and being spread between two continents ensures that, but even if all were in the same city I am not sure it would happen. There are a couple of serious boozers and probably more that booze, a few serious tee totallers, and one couple in between. It wouldn't make for a great party. One of the boozers in a mellow moment tried to convince me of my sis's love for me. Hah! I declined to answer.
bh - ah yes, - “my job” to magically solve Mom’s problems - only she really doesn't want them solved, she just wants to be center stage with her complaints. Oh the childhood memories of excitement mixed with dread over holidays and other special occasions. Come to think of it the excitement dropped away over the years, but the dread was still there and remains to the present. It is OK to be an azz sometimes. They feel free to be. You can have your turn. ;p
guest - you have their number! Reservations, then they can complain about the restaurant and not you. I am familiar with the bringing of the 6 pack and drinking it themselves. Ex used to do that and more. Love those references to room mates families and how perfect THEY are. Mother had that one down pat.
I am quite happy hunkering down in my home at holiday time, possibly with a few treats, and enjoying the peace. I have pretty well let go of any expectations of others.
Didn't have time to think what to do, because son's BIL, friend and best man - all rugby players - swept past me, hoisted the chair with mother in it and carried her bodily up those stairs before she could even draw breath to shriek.
Um. It does sort of sound as if what your dearest aged relatives most enjoy about the holidays is complaining? I agree it can get a girl down, but do remind yourself that they're having fun even if you're not!
I’ll never forget my watershed “holiday WTF”: Easter 2004. Our (sig other and I) first year as homeowners. After yearrrrs of renting — separately and together— we both finally had a dining room for the first time in our adult lives.
In response to years of my mom ramping up the noise on what a pain in the rear end it was for her to host holiday meals (and refusing all offers of help, food contributions and “let’s do potluck”), I offered to host Easter.
Mom shut that down because my stepdad’s battle-axe old-maid sister (who they entertained at every calendar prompt....and who found fault with nearly everything) “couldn’t do steps.” And our 1st floor bathroom has TWO STEPS leading to the entrance.
That’s it! Those were the only 2 steps she’d have to contend with. There would be plenty of able-bodied people here to help her navigate TWO steps.
But no. Shut down as if I’d suggested waterboarding all 3 of them. Mom wouldn’t let me finish a sentence, as I tried to explain that she could chill out and Just Be A Guest. None of that pesky work that Mom’s been complaining about since I was old enough to tie my own shoes.
Side note: It has always been “my job” to magically solve Mom’s problems. But an impossible job. Because Mom is Too Special to find merit in anyone else’s advice. Ever. The queen of “yes but.” Or “no,” for short.
And sig-others’ parents had some arcane reason for not driving 4 miles (yes, 4 miles — that is not a typo) to allow one of their offspring to do something nice for them. God forbid they’d have to temporarily alter their mission statement of “boo-hoo, our adult children don’t include us in their lives.”
Happy Easter, everyone.
Across the 13 years between then and now, the cast of characters has been reduced. The illogical “can’t” statements have taken new twists. And yet....
The underlying theme remains the same: What’s left of my family and most of sig-others’ family think that he & I exist to cater to everyone else’s neuroses.
To be fair, that’s what they expect from everyone on the planet. But holidays sure ramp it up. I try to walk that fine line between being true to myself and not being a total azz. Sig other and I often agree on the UGHH of it all, but disagree on the execution.
As always, counting the days until December 26th!
I just hope it doesn't lead to their getting any funny ideas about trying to spread the love among their elders. But surely they'll have far more interesting topics of conversation than that.
You have - I think? - two lovely daughters with nice husbands and children of their own. You have a nice husband of your own, come to that.
And you are a caring person who loves her mother and her brother and takes a lively interest in what gives with them, too. That's fine. It's healthy.
But given how busy you are with your own nice family, and how your mother has on countless occasions rejected practical proposals you have made, and how even if chaotically your brother, who has taken these responsibilities on himself after all, does eventually get things sorted one way or another, so your mother is fine...
Less time worrying about what you can't change or help. More time focusing on the lovely people you've told us about here before, and who are loving dutiful granddaughters too.
And definitely no worrying about not being invited to a baby's party that you didn't want to go to anyway and which clashes with something far more immediately important so that you couldn't have even if you did.
Overlook the nephew's wife's previous insolence, if you want, and invite them to a family lunch when it suits you. He can accept if he'd like to. If he wouldn't like to, he needn't. No harm done.