The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Glad thanks that was real talk. You put it in a nut shell.

I dont mean to be vicious in what I said. Its just the truth. I can babble on and on.

One of my escapes is watching tv series. I am loving the Deuce, The tin star, and Star Trek is awesome! Didnt start empire yet. The walking dead is on the top also.

Also as I have said my mother has always had mental issues. Besides pitting me and my sister against each other she discombobulated that house. she took good clean working stove from top floor threw it out. She systematically put junk in rooms took tub out of bathroom on floor I am on. When I was there before I was on top floor. My twister has the entire top floor. the unused kitchen, a large room, and a small hall room are all filled with junk. There are at least two rooms that could be rented out and the house could be fixed up. If my sister would come down and take one of the rooms downstirs we could rent out that top floor and use the rent and add to it to care for my mother's need. Only she has poisoned us so bad we cannot get together. My sister thinks I want to take house and hurt my mother. Many attempts on my part and my son's to have a faily meeting over the past few years.

Thanks, I needed to hear what I was doing made sense. I am backed in a corner. I see the sickness nothing I can do and I am not going to spending any more of my life trying to prove my love or my good intentions. Deep down inside they both know I just dont understand why its so hard to admitt I am a good person, or that I do good or how I look out. I am by far not an angel but condemnation, spite, spite and planning to hurt is out of my league. Its out of my hands to make this right. We need to keep that house in the family. Its a leagacy. Our community is falling apart becuase this samype situation.. The face is changing. People lare now buying these houses for 1mill fixing them up and getting 3 or more for them. Its crazy; because rent here is about almost 2 -3 thousand a month and going up. So it would be crazy to sell. But greed and selfrighteous wrong could lead us down a bad path as a family. I have no idea what else is in my sister's sick mind or what else she has done to keep me out of the loop. I just know that meand my mother raised her sons and then the street got the one that clung to her. They had black teeth when they were children. She didnt have the patience then or the mind to care for her own children. She let a man ban her children from coming to even visit. So now she has this need for me to be excluded from care, information or decisions. I just have to roll with the punches as usuall. I kind of like it on the sidelines.

I bet!! I prayed to God please please plesase dont let me have to go there.! My landlord sold her house and she was taking me to look at places. There was a delay because of a problem with her sister name on title. Once that was straight, the buyer was commanded the house be empty in one week or the deal was closed. My landlord would have lost the house due to tax debt and she had been going back and forth to court for about 4years trying to keep it. So when that one week came up there I went and here I am. Whew!!!
I guess because I am used to it that I went that way. I dont like to ask anybody for anything. And I was not working at the time. My unemployment had run out and I had little saved but couldnt find anything affordable and who is going to rent to someone not working. I still cant afford rent here. Plus I am paying off a large fed/ state tax debt from fines and interest from years back normally confiscating the refund would help but I had not worked for 3 years after I got out of hospital in 2011. I almost died. Took me months to be able to walk and talk. And it was hard to find a job as everything wanted 1yr past experiecne. I was riddled with esperience by had not worked in the last year. I am begining to babble, this job was a Godsend and thats not to say it was mooth ride. I could be making a lot more with benefits, pension. But I am grateful and just like at home move on when the opportunity arises.

I

Good to hear from you Duck and Margeaux!

Duck, to come to grips we all need to step back and wait and watch what will happen. There is nothing wrong with that. Nothing like a healthy dose of reality to wake others. Sometimes we just have to let it happen and eventually others may learn the hard way. And that is nothing to feel guilty about.

How you and your twisted sis and mom all live in the same house is beyond me! I never could have done that.

I have been off line for a while. I am still digesting my situation as it unfolds and I have been forcing myself to leave it all alone. focus on myself. My mother is okay and safe. Tomarrow will be my father's aniversary 37 years ago he passed on. I still miss him everyday. My first cousin had a baby boy! I am so happy for her and her fiance.

Thanks to all for the advice. I have to catch up. Glad I am so happy about your cat Ming is a pretty name.
Golden I agree with the zinc. It gives me a tad diarrhea at times. I take Nac almost daily. Especially now since the weather here is in flux toward winter. Its hard to dress properly as one day its freezing thne the next day its cool.

I am still feeling a little overwhelmed. I havent cook'd except for bacon in the oven in about two weeks and I love to cook. I think its not so much depression as trying to be still for a while.

I did try and speak to my sister again. It ended in the usual tirade of lies. I believe its a psychological protective mechanism called transference. Its amazing. I was surprised when she claimed I try to intimidate my mother. Then two days later about 2am my mother knocks on my door. thne go upstairs to my sister. I heard her come down. I went down later and my mother was in hallway on second floor. I was about to try to get her in bed and noticed her room was cold. So I told her lets go down to living room. As I walked into the door My sister says "Get In Here" real tuff like. I thought she was talking to the dog but later realized she thought I was my mother.

Anyways, she says I dont do anything. Along with these crazy notions and attacks on my profession. crazy stuff totally delusional. Even that I dont buy garbage bags. I bring them down regularly andhad to make myself stop stressing that the cans are dirty and I constantly see garbage without a bag.
So I am just stepping back.

I am also realizing that even in her sick mind she is feeling the frustration that I almost killed myself with, and that is feeling like no one was helping or contributing. My mother gets the meals on wheels and I bring her the sandwich or whatever I buy to eat for now. I am not cleaning, mopping, sweeping , I have to step away for a while. Let her wake up my sister all day and nite. Let her deal with it. I realize I was in the way and now she knows to go to my sister so its a little easier on me although I feel a little guilty for not jumping at her every call.
I am also investigating meditaion techniques as was sugested by one of the posters I follow.
I didnt think I would be writing much but I guess when I get started it just pours out. Thanks to all, I am happy for all the good things for everyone. I have to take time and catch up.I have also been busy with other things on my agenda. I had good laughs over the weekend things I wanted to share and will at some point or another.

Much love to all. Rays of light, love and peace to all.

Margeaux, good to hear from you. Great news your hubs is getting better and hopefully getting “it”! Does this mean your hubs is going to retire soon? Good luck on your new job, it will help getting out of the house. Hoping all is well with you too.

glad - happy Ming is on the mend. Soon she will be ripping around and wearing you out. :)

upset - sad that there are there is such poverty. The spin-offs are huge. Your mum did pass quickly and that was a blessing,

Allyson62 - totally understand . I could not do hands on caregiving for my mother either. I always looked at others for role models - mainly the mothers' of my friends. I agree -it is hard.

chris - I am glad your dad will look after your situation

madge - hope the new roomie works out. Be sure to get enough rest!!! The Viking will survive

margeaux - so good to hear from you, that hub is getting better and getting the message and that things are picking up. The extra job sounds like a good thing. Looks like things are going OK for mother. The only recent thing has been about her hearing aids and batteries. Yes, sis is sneaky, but she s not POA on the legal documents - just told some people she was. The new place knows she is not.

Fighting a bit of a sore throat which I know is going around, Zinc lozenges really help me and cold FX. Hot lemon tea is soothing The snow has pretty well melted, but we will probably have more in a few days and colder weather. Got a new pair of light weight winter boots that are so comfortable I could wear them for slippers. What a rare find!!! So thankful!!!

Hi Margeaux, Nice to hear from you. Glad to hear your husband is making some progress with back and neck issues. Keep in touch.

Sharynmarie,

I would imagine that moving to a new place, trying to get acquainted and adjusting to everything new does take some time. Congratulations about this new job. I wish you the best, and hope you can get some insurance if you can. I did read about your tooth the last time, am glad that you got that resolved, and hope you are out of the pain it was causing.

Nice to hear about your grandsons. That was interesting what you posted was it Ethan, and how he responded to the ball. This goes to show us, that there are basically different ways to arrive at getting things done, or having a different approach. He's going to learn a lot, given that he also has his brother, who seems to be very helpful. That's such a tender and heartwarming thing to hear between brothers!! Sweet!

O.K., I wish you the best in this new position, and know I'm thinking about you and yours also with
all the new adjustments in Idaho.

Big Hugs to you too,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Golden,

First and foremost....it is hard when we remember a loved one's birthday as you mentioned remembering your son's birthday. We wonder what would have been of them at that age. I was thinking about my dad just last week, what he would have been like had he lived a longer life. Anyway, I just want you to know that I am thinking about you and Gordie and offering up some meditations for you.

Also, I notice that your mom was moved? Well I hope this will be a smooth transition not only for her but especially for you. Shame on you sister too......I read that she was sneaky in regards to getting her name as POA on a document? WOW!!

Great big hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Thank you to Golden, Sharynmarie & Upset for asking commenting about my last post which was I believe over 20 days ago now, also any others I may have missed. I made it a point to try and look that far back on the posts to try to know what has been going on with each and everyone of you.

Since I last posted......finally I think I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel w/hubby's situation, WHEW!!!
As I'd posted before he was having some back and neck issues. He's still on the mend. Interesting because for his lower back issue his doctor who does some manipulations of the area had also recommended Prolotherapy.
This is a treatment where the doctor will inject I believe its dextrose into the injured area, and this brings circulation to it, hence speeding up the healing process. Of course my husband was rather reluctant to do this, but finally did. As of now it seems to have had some beneficial effects.

I continue to encourage him to do some kind of exercise, although not to exert himself either. Walking, which he is not motivated to do whatsoever! He'd rather ride his 10 speed, which I wish he'd bother to wear a helmet when he does this in our city, it's crazy out there. Once you hit the beach, nearby then it's a different story.

Part of all of this stress I know I had been experiencing is the fact that my husband recently became an official senior citizen. He got his Medicare & all of that. Oh boy, it was like endless calling, and talking to different reps for supplemental info., & all that jazz. O.K., I get it that this transition is quite confusing etc., but my husband just goes into over drive checking, re-checking. He's got this inherent trust issue. This is of the he can't just have a bit of faith, and allow some gel time to review things on his own and let the info. to sink in. Then, just as he transitioned into Medicare he started to have the neck problem, then the back.

Well, at least the mood has mellowed out somewhat around here, thank the cosmos!!!!
I believe one of the last times we had a super blow out, and the fact that I stated some truths
and unfairness thwarted in my direction, he finally got it I hope!

My work in terms of my Acupuncture inspections somewhat picked up the last few weeks.
This was such a welcome surprise for me both financially and a way to get me out of the house & away from hubby. I so understand you Sharynmarie, when you posted that you wish your husband would get out of the house a few hours, so that you can have some alone time! Also on the work front......a neighbor of mine who has a grown son (22 yrs. old) and autistic needs an In Home Service Support person. She's a very nice person who I know now for several years. She asked me out of the blue at the peak of my tension with my husband.
So I sent in some paper work, and I have an orientation Nov. 1'st, so hopefully will start to work some hours for her. Basically, it will be to take her on some errands, since she has no car, and grocery runs have been stressful for her w/o a car. She'll have some other things for me to do helping her around her house. She said, she'd do the personal stuff she needs to do for the son, since he is autistic and a grown person.

At first I was a bit reluctant to take this kind of job on, but hey......it's work, and I'm going to make some much needed money, and I'll be out of the house. I think this w/be good for the marriage. I'm also working on becoming more independent of the hubs, which I know has been an issue w/us. Working on it!!

O.K., just wanted to dock in and let you all know what's been up with me.
Be posting later, since I've been reading, looks as if I've missed an interesting time here.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Kind of a strange bond developing between mom and her new roommate who's 22 years younger
Seems roomie thinks she's responsible for the Viking - she checks on her when she's down for her afternoon nap and apparently tries to help the private caregivers

I've been working so late that I haven't been to hoca all week, but last weekend I sensed roomie was stressed about having to take care of mom and get her up in the morning - I tried to assure her she didn't need to worry that the nurse would get her up - the poor dear, I guess she's trying to make sense of why she's there and looks at the situation as her new job

Golden-My father told me to tell him, if(and when) things get progressively worse.

Today, My mother n' I got into it again. She is again on, what I call one of her 'technology consolidation' kicks. Where, Again, She is trying to simplify her life. She has no idea what cord goes with what device. I had explain a bunch of stuff to her.

To add to that stress. I may have sprained or broken my pinky toe. It was my fault for walking barefoot through the house. After I got back from my bike ride today.

Glad, Ming is a cute name for a Siamese. Happy that she is better.

Glad Ming is feeling better, and you are a good kitty mom!

Allyson62, Welcome to the this thread. Many of us have or had narcissistic mothers or other dysfunctional family members. You made many very accurate statements. I too, resent the fact that mother placed her own needs and those of my brother ahead of me and my youngest brother. I'm 67 and I still feel resentment and anger over many of her actions. I lived with her for 6-1/2 of the last 7 years of her life. I reached a pace where I could not be around her and other family members. It didn't have to do the heavy caregiving that many do. She had mobility, vision and hearing problems. She had mini strokes at the end and finally finally a fatal stroke. She passed very quickly.

The people on this thread are very supportive and helpful. Feel free to vent, ask questions, etc. No one is judgmental. It's a safe place to express or discuss your feelings. Welcome.

I'm not the caregiver of my NMom. Couldn't ever be. I commend anyone who can. I am not really mad at my mother for her abuse/neglect of me as a child and still as a grown 55 year old, I resent that she denies it happened ever. She has never loved me or put her own needs behind mine. Again, I find it revealing that people who had mothers, even if not perfect, but are NOT NMoms, know what it is like to have a mother that doesn't love you and you in turn, don't love them. They say "but it is your mother". You try to tell them, but don't you see "she didn't mother me", so no, she is not my mother. My other big resentment is that without a rollmodel as a Mother, it is much more difficult, even when you are not narcissistic, to know how to be a good mother. I over compensated with my daughter and tell her too much that I love her and perhaps I let her walk over me, but, she knows I love her. Its all hard.

I went to the caregiver's funeral this morning. Very brief and only a few people in attendance - her young 30ish daughter and a handful of neighbors.
I think from the little I knew she had been isolated from family and friends caring for her mother. Plus extreme poverty tends to isolate women as well. The new priest at her church had never met her. I helped her daughter with getting a cemetery plot and funeral. Very sad. I haven't heard of a funeral for the two elderly ladies. I suspect the families because of finances will let the county do the burials. One of them used to go to church, but none of the family had a church affiliation. I read an article in the local paper that it is becoming extremely common for families to do nothing and leave it to the county. It's straining county budgets too.

Ming, is finally getting there. She did not eat for five days, barely drank, got even more congested. Finally, Wednesday night she ate some gerber chicken baby food. That started it, she is drinking, and grooming a bit. She really looked rough when I got her. The shelter had released her for adoption by mistake. Sent me home with an antibiotic for her, that did not work. Vet gave me a different one. She is getting better. Even playing a bit. Ming was one sick little kitty, but she is on the mend. A bit better every day.

I really enjoy the reference to where borrow text comes from. Some I have heard and forgotten. Sometimes even bring back pleasant memories.

cm - lol - bears are considered dangerous and, indeed, one did eat a woman out at site a few years ago, but such encounters are very rare. However, the spectre arises when I see the yellow tape and signs warning of bear presence on the trail.

Love Hilaire Belloc. Every well brought up English school girl of a certain age could quote Belloc.
From Cautionary Tales for Children:
The Chief Defect of Henry King
Was chewing little bits of String.
At last he swallowed some which tied
Itself in ugly Knots inside...
Breakfast, Dinner, Lunch, and Tea
Are all the Human Frame requires...
With that, the Wretched Child expires.

and then there was Jim who was eaten by a lion "And always keep a-hold of Nurse
For fear of finding something worse."

I also love the inexorable logic of Samuel Johnson - tongue in cheek, I am sure.
“If a man who turnips cries,
Cry not when his father dies,
'Tis a proof that he had rather
Have a turnip than a father.”

I have decided that the knee is more a matter of tight ligaments and tendons, due to FM, than it is due to osteoarthritis. I can have days when they don't bother me at all, which flies in the face of joint deterioration. Stretching helps, which supports my theory. Back to doing squats again - gently.

I too appreciate that you cite authors. Plagiarism is all too common. People copy chunks of writings from the internet and present it as their own. Even the authors of recipes should be given due credit, otherwise, essentially, it is theft.

glad - hope kitty is better

upset- Belloc is awesome for children and adults. I suppose the funerals for the ones who died will be taking place soon. Be sure to give yourself some space. You will be exposed to a lot of grieving as well as your own.

CM, Thanks for book reference. We have bears in the vicinity and small children who would like the book. Again, thank you.

CM, I always appreciate that you post where borrowed writings come from. Numerous times I have checked out the book or article when I find it of interest. Thank you.

Golden, I love the idea of bears making walks outside "unpleasant"!

B stands for bear. When bears are seen
Approaching in the distance
Make up your mind at once between
Retreat and armed resistance.

from Hilaire Belloc's 'The Bad Child's Book of Beasts'

Well done for getting your knee to behave itself!

chris - considering what you have written, what are your plans for when your mother can no longer live at home with you?

Veronica91-It isn't rational.

As for a group home. That would be, as bad as(if not worse), as my (ex)wife. People with seizures' are constantly discriminated against by law enforcement. I keep seeing stories of law enforcement using a taser gun on someone having a seizure. After the business owner has called the police. Back in 2006, ABC News did a story about how, people having seizures, are predominantly arrested. Granted that story was done ten years ago. Last year in Gadsden, Alabama. I female teen w/ seizures. Was attending a Hip-Hop concert w/ her mother. When the Hip-Hop artist came into the audience. It caused the teen to have a seizure. The security firm hired by the venue, had no idea how to react to the girl having the seizure. The mother told them that her daughter was having a seizure. They didn't listen, and called the local police. When the police arrived. Not only did they not listen to the mother telling them about her daughter having a seizure. The police TASERED BOTH, the daughter, and the mother.

Not just that. I have seen people w/ hydrocephalus, being tasered who were in the midst of a shunt malfunction.

All because law enforcement, went for the 'quick fix'. Instead of understanding the situation.

That is the added fear I live with every day.

I am not trying to make this sound like 'woe is me'. Just that, seemingly simple answers could have severe consequences.

Thx Upset. It is so good to see. No doubt she had some depression in the mix too and now has accepted that she needs meds for it. For years she never had any friends - got fed up with them. Now she has a bunch. That is so much healthier.

I love to walk too and walk in the house regularly when weather, bugs, bears etc make walking outside unpleasant. I don't want any surgery if I can avoid it. My right shoulder (good arm) used to bother me quite a bit, but hardly does now. I have no idea what happened to improve it, but I am very grateful.

Golden, Fantastic the work dd is doing and glad for the improvement in your knee. PJ has had both knees replaced. I tend to walk when I'm upset or need to clear my head. It really helps. Today was rainy so I walked indoors at the field house and listened to music - blocks out the noise level.

upset - I am so sorry about the deaths. They must hit you hard, especially the 57 yr old. which is a tragedy. Hope the walk helped.

glad - it still is shocking to hear the degree of dysfunction in your family, They have no heart. It is good you all got through the service decently.  AD is as bad as the twisteds in her own way.

madge (((((hugs)))). I know what you mean about the young ones skipping out. When I worked what I saw was that the more you gave, they more they demanded. Those who gave little had little asked of them. You have to look after you - no one else will. Can you take a break sometime?

sharyn - great news about the grants. Recently I received a report from the CMA (Canadian Medical Association) as I had participated in a questionnaire.
"Advancing Quality of Life and Quality of Care for Seniors, outlines 15 recommendations for how seniors can remain active and engaged citizens of our communities". It addresses the needs of seniors. and also brings in some considerations for caregivers. There probably could be more for caregivers.

re dysfunctionals changing, I have to say I am very impressed with the work my dd is doing on herself. She definitely has some of what mother has, but the past few years she has gone on meds, taken up exercise, and I am not sure what else, but there is a significant change in her. It was entirely her decision and I am proud of her. If I had any small role it was to not accept her "bad" behaviours and set limits to protect myself. Dysfunctional people can change if they want to. I have no idea of all the factors that went into her decision, but I am sure they were complex. She did mention her kids and hub deserving better.

Pam Z - 4 years is a long time. Time flies when you are having fun???

ali - hope you are relaxing some

stacey - how are you?

duck - thinking of you and hoping you find some peace in the midst of the struggle.

So sleepy these days, but it beats aching as a form of recovery. I suppose once bedtime comes around I will wake up. I was thinking I may have to go to the doc about my knee and get some PT prescribed, but then thought that at my age if I say I want PT for my knee as I can't do my squats, they might look askance at me and tell me to act my age. So I looked up some exercises, and did them and some stretching. This morning I was halfway through my coffee before I realised I hadn't felt my knees coming down stairs. Yay!!! Must keep up with the exercises and stretching. I tend to hyperextend my knee a little when I put my foot on the ottoman and put the other leg on top. I need to make sure my whole leg is supported by the ottoman, and keep the other leg off it. Small changes can make a difference.

Everyone - be good to you. You deserve it.

Yes, dysfunction continues. For mom's birthday AD emailed pictures of Mom and L. I responded, knowing everyone is thinking of them today. Response from AD is how off color L could be at times. His politics did not agree with ts1. SO WHAT! And then about snow in northern MN and getting through it in a bug. I had a bug, responded to her how wonderful it was in the snow. Then added asking if she remembered how mom always, many times, asked me what happened to grandma's house. AD was in charge of grandma's health and finances. AD was quite hurt and insulted by mom's questioning, forgetting that mom had Alz. So, I took this opportunity to tell her that I had hoped that the dysfunction would stop with Mom's death. Also reminded her that in spite of all of the accusations, ts1 had access to mom's accounts and still does not believe that I did not exploit in any way, shape or form. No response..... What a surprise.

And ts1 sending estate update on the eve of mom's 91st? That in itself is quite odd. No mention of the birthday, anniversary or L's death on the same day, a year ago.