The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Best of luck to you DDDuck. I hope the Area Agency on Aging can help such a shame your sister can’t be held responsible since she has medical authority.

Rays of light peace and love to all.

A neighbor told me to check out the Archdiose so I looked them up and will call there tomarrow. Again my hands are tied. My sister does not know I am aware I have no sayso in my mothers care. Maybe I can initiate something and she can discard or dowhat ever if the neglect to do something continues I will call aps just need to explore my options if there are any.

Thanks all. Everything that's been said is truth. My first post, I was advised to get out. I am not financially able. I am paying down taxes and debt. My job is not secure, no sick, no pension no vacation. I dont work I dont get paid.

I am speaking with the counselor from the department of aging. She states she has me first on her list for a new psychiatric program in the works where I can get professional help.

I see myself knocking my head against a brick wall. I am just too emotionallly attached. I love my mother. Reporting to APS would be reporting myself because I am there also. Even if I am not allowed legally to intervene in her care.

I came home this morning and I dont know if she locked all doors downstairs or my sister. But livingroom door and kitchen which is access to water and bathroom and backyard was locked. Her door was open and she was sleeping like a baby. I left sandwich breakfast by her side. Dog was in his "bed".

When I got up I heard nephew come in. I guess they replaced her bad microwave with this cruddy old one. But no mop of pee. Or the gook in sink after the water finally went down. I am stepping away from these things until I can work this out in my head and get further advice. Maybe I will call APS.
I am considering waiting for my sister and try and have a sit down talk about my mothers care and how we both are responsible for her and should try and work at getting her a home attendant. I mean its so simple. But on the other case you cant reason with a fool. I will try again. I just can't walk away from it. Thanks all.

Golden, Happy that things are going well with your mother. We do have a houseful if they all come at once. PJ is a good cook and always helps. The older kids always do clean up.

Stacey, Hopefully your tests will determine what the problem is and that it is nothing serious.

Have a great evening!

Well, very tired and achy after the trip and the move, but the hotel is a great place to rest. R is working long, hard hours at his contract, so he is tired too. Guess we are getting old! lol

The old ALF called and said I had left some items behind which-I thought belonged to them. I arranged to have then removed and then they called back to say they could use them. O-kay!!! They need a check-out procedure.

The new NH called to say mother had arrived with only one hearing aid which means the old place has lost two in a few months. Fortunately the hearing place has a "one free replacement" policy. They can get a new one in a few weeks. Mother also needs new hearing aid batteries. Amazon will deliver them in a few days. I think I can order online pretty well everything she needs - personal toiletry items mostly. I will cancel the various accounts for medical supplies as the NH provides them. That means less to keep track of which helps and less mail Yay!!!

Home tomorrow as I have an appointment and R has a job interview. I will do some of the driving so he can nap in the car. He will work in the morning and really needs some rest before his interview. Sunday was a 14 hr day for him, outside and very physically demanding and today will be close to the same. I don't know how he does it.

glad - so happy you have found a kitty. You have me thinking about a siamese. She will keep you warm cuddling.

sharyn - congrats about the new job. The closing time sounds much better. I hope the people there are good to work with. Do you get any benefits? E is a winner!!!!

upset - we still haven't had a proper frost in Fort Mc - very unusual. I expect we will have a green Halloween. All those grandkids. My!!!! Lots of people to cook for.

duck - you are out of the loop and I know it hurts. On the one hand you are very limited in what you can do for your mother. On the other hand you naturally and responsibly feel an obligation to look out for her safety, especially when she wanders. Have you consulted your local agency for aging and social services for ideas? Maybe a call to APS about the locks and her wandering. Not that it is easy as we all with difficult sibs know, but it will be easier on you if you can accept how your sis and nephew are. Try to detach from them. They are what they are and they are not going to change.

stacey - hope you are well and the docs find nothing significant. try to relax!!!!

Thank you Stacey! I felt confident enough with my experience to get hired quickly as long as there was an opening.

Dd and I went out this morning to get our nails done. Last time we did this was when my mom passed away. A little celebration for getting a job ( nails). I ordered the slip resistant shoes on Saturday. I do feel better knowing I will have a little income without being dependent on hubs for personal things.

Now to get laundry done. I’m behind on laundry. Just wasn’t up to doing much last week.

SharynM, A Big Congratulations on getting a New Job! I'm sure you are relieved, and See, you had Nothing to worry about, as your work skills are impeccable, and your such a Lovely Lady!

Glad, a New Little Kitty to Love and come home from work to Snuggle With! I Love Cats, but I'm unfortunately allergic to them, otherwise I'd definitely have one too! So Happy you found just the right one!

DDuck, You need to remove yourself from the situation or by avoiding interaction with them. You cannot change your mother or sister. They are who they are. You can only change your own environment and how you respond to them. A person is not responsible for the actions of others. You have to make the changes you want in your life. No one will change just because you want them to. All of this may seem unfair to you, but no can make another person be what they are not.

DDDuck, one thing that works for many people is to place your situation as though a friend was living what you are. What would You advise your friend to do?

The thing is my mother gets meals on wheels. she has to come to the door and get her meals. She is lonely. Given our relationship it was hard for me to be around her. But in cooking andcleaning I am around her the most.

Before I left for work I came down to shower and the breakfast my sisteer bought this moring is there untouched. I made us a little bacon cheese bun and she ate it fast.

Yes I am a medical professional for over 30 years. This is not my job this is my life. The things info I applied to my job are out the window. The knowledge and skills I could use are being blocked. I am hurting over the obvious ban no matter how ridiculous and ignorant it is. It is not a paranoid delusion. This is real, very real.

I can remember a few very wise posts in response to my situation when I first came on. Some posts I have hung on too because in the back of my mind it was a bottom line solution only one I was not strong enough or financially able to do. I am just amazed at the things that are in people's hearts. I can give advice, I can help other people. But I dont have a clue on how to help myself, my mind, my heart. I have been so used to helping others in one way shape or form. I guess thiss was always the case in my family. I am amazed at how I could block my conscious from seeing it.

I am gratefull for any feedback. Grateful for any food for thought.

Ps. I spoke to my department of aging care counselor. She says they may have something coming up where I can get some real psychiatric help.

Send, we should find out sometime this week what the diagnosis is.

Well, I apogize if I offended anyone. 

I came on tonight with a little of my usaual distress hoping for other perspectives,
I know it is tiresome hearing the same old crying, I am posting because I use the input and feedback
I dont know what was going on last week. I have constantly expess my pain of being falsely accused. I had to call the prayer line and was feeling like they were tiredof me too, especially after I had been diagnosed with paranoia and with maybe a touch of schizoidphrenia. This is truth. I went in McD waiting on line and the girl accused me of jumping in front of her. I was on the other side of these guys ordering so she didnt see me. Then I felt like this is the same type of spirit I get with my mother and sister. You did it you did it. So I was feeling bad and thinking I lshould not have responded to her at all.

Then I get to work 3 12 hour shifts. When getting off my last morning the relieving RN says the client mom says I am the one who was messing up microwave. I couldnt hold it in wrote her a note assuring her that It wasnt me. So I called prayer line about what is about me that draws this spirit of wrongful acussation and persecution and punishment. Its a theme that seems to follow me.

So while I am off my mother wander away. A past long time friend knocked on my door saying to come see about my mother. She was on a mission to find me and my sister, then she was just going. He waited while I went up toget dressed my intention was to walk her and ware her out.

Please bare with me.

So when we are leaving she is determined to take the elderly dog who can barely walk. Mind you she would call him back in every time I try to take him out for his business. I mop pee in hall constantly. So we spend like an hour going back and forth i put him back in house and lock doors she goes and get him out. I let her walk with hinm a ways and call him back and lock him in, this last time i let her get a block. I had him walking back but she did not come behind me. I told her to wait. She started walking. I called my friend who lives down one way ofa deadend street to be on lthe look out forher., By the time I locked dog in (he is slow) He met me where I last saw her and the search began.

I called nephew who is police officer. I started jnot to because he just dismissed the concern saying she would be okay this time adding she will be back. My first mind was to call police and I checked my self maybe I should wait... I calll my sister no answer.
While waiting on police my sister comesf home and my friend tells her before I get a chance that my motheris missing. She grandly says well no one called me. I gladly tellherthat she does not answer her phone. She goes upstairs.

While waiting on police my neighbor tells me my sister called her to see what happend. I was surprised with this type situation she couldnt ask me. I told nighbor she should have told her to askher sister.

Police get there take report ask questions check my id then ask to see her roomand roof. I take them to top floor calling my sister so she is not alarmed. they check, I tell them she is really missing. Now my sister see the police and now she calls my nephew.
She comes downstairs later passing the officers and go wait for my nephew. Meanwhile we are waiting for his supervisor. And he explains the process, and says that he has grandmother who did same and wasfound in another bourough.
He later gets call that my mother is inanother precinct long ways from us. I start to break down crying. The whole time I am looking I am saying to myself that I am doing good. It was only then that I realized how worried and tense I was because I did not get emotional during the search.

So we wait a long time for her. Meanwhile my nephew comes in speaks to officer and he and my sister walk right pass me. No what Happend, nothing. So now I know she is okay, my way with my stress is to talk about it. So I call my girlfriend tellingher about it. When I hereshe is heere I look up and my nepherw had out of view listening. All he had to do is ask me. But he and my sister are so bent on keeping meout of the loop with anything concerning my mother. Seemingly clueless that I am the one who spend the most time with her.

So now they both stand at curb waiting like the rescue team. Each on one side walking her in. She is still confused. I say I know you are tired. Did you eat. Usually that was my shoping cooking day. So I went out and bought her a sandwich. When I came back they were both around her ignoring anything I said. So I gave her the sandwich and went ob up stairs.

Next day the man workingon the shed in back tells me that they are cutting bar of gate. abd putting a key entey/exist lock on door.

Next day my sister knocks on my door for the first time ever since I moved in. Im sleep say who says here is key if you want to get out. I tell her leave it under doo

Now when go downstairs hours later, My mother is in pajamas, she had the same sandwich i bought her in another bag. which means she didnt eat anything. She ask s me for her keys.
So they have taken her keys and locked her in house. Meanwhile my mother is like stir cazy. Bags are in the hallway. She is bringing thins out of her room. She is making messes, the sink was stopped up with mess. dog pee in the hall and yet she had a bag with fish and chips on table..

So I am pissed that I was left out of the decision and its my mother and I live there also. She is confined, she was a controlling person and I can see her distress. She is aware because when I came down to leave she waited at the door for me. I went to the bathroom and when I came back she was sitting on sofa. But came to door with me. There was trash in bagsby the door and it was sad to see her peaking out the door and looking outside like she is banishe to come out. I was glad it was not a dilema as I wason my way to work.

I will not be locking her in when I go to work. she can start a fire in kitchen and I dont know how many times I have come in and fouind her sitting in smoke while a pot was burning.

I have always been hurt by being left out by my mother and sister. I thought I was used to it. I really dont have a clue about them being so adamant to block me out and ignore the fact that she is myt mother also.

The officers that were there waiting also could see. Wished me luck!@#$%

Send whether you like it or not I must respond to your post to me. I really should have lnot responded to any of your posts afgter the private message I received from you allaying that I was paranoid with a touch of schiz. maybe its good you erased it after you decided I was ok when you came on here. I would have gone out of my natural mode to post what you sent to me in my distress. Lucky enough for me I was able to ignore and not give power to some of the things you said if I had been a little weaker or in a depression who knows what I lwould have done.

It saddens me that you see things I post as an attack. Had I posted your message maybe you would get an idea of kwhat an attack is.

I was very surprised at your pvt msg and now this. I was just posting and called my self reaching out to say no hard feelings. Had I been a weaker person or in a bad state of mind thae animosity just like in this last post could have thrown me in a very bad place.

I am on this post for my on sake. If its good I take it and use it . If its bad or dosesnt apply I dismiss it and try not to take it Personal.

I apologize with all my heart if I have offended you in my pain or sharing any of my experiences. I truly meant no harm and its sad you took stuff so personal Like I dont even know you.

I can go on further but its not in my heart to intentionally hurt or insult anyone.

I am very aware of who I am and I dont need your validation as far as my prosfession or personnally.
I am so sorry for pain. It was not intentional. I did not mean you any harm in any way.

Send,,,, as of this post your request will be honored.

Sharyn,
He is definitely very high functioning if he has been diagnosed properly.
He engages.
He can learn a game.
He can do it as instructed.
He can celebrate and share happiness about his success.

You can become a valuable asset to the team, assessment team too, as well as being a loving grandma and support for dd.

Start a notebook journal.
Today's date
Participated and learned game.
Make an entry as you did above, telling us.
Keeping it positive.
Show it to the assessment team.
(DD might be sensitive to it at first).
Never write in your journal a judgment-

Send, thanks. I thought it was pretty clever of E to pick it up and bring the ball the his brother. He is definitely thinking in the context of participating. It really was cute to watch him. Love my E!

SharynMarie,
Don't know if this will help, but it is a perspective, anyhow.....
Maybe, the majority of us have the naturalness (a new word?) of the game down wrong, and E. has it correct. Maybe we complicate the game of kicking the ball, then kicking it back?
1) Consider the game football.....do they kick it back? Or catch it and run with it?
A different game, yes, but think about it.
2) When throwing the ball (or even kicking it) for a dog, does it kick it back to you, or pick it up and bring it back to you? (not saying E.'s is like a dog).

If you learn to look at life through E.'s perspective (but not change yourself) thinking that it is just a different perspective, not wrong, but you are not wrong either, maybe, just maybe, E. has something to teach us, while at the same time his struggle will be to learn our rules. Such is a part of autism. Differently abled.

E. is so sweet to be able to participate with his brother!  Kudos to E.!

Our weather is totally abnormal and the 10-day forecast is for much of the same. It's almost the end of Octoberand we've only had frost once. Today it got up to 69 and our overnight temperature is supposed to be 58. I want my cooler weather.

Just wanted to add that I watched the boys this morning while dh and dd took the puppies to trying class. I took them out back to kick a ball to each other. L caught on to the concept quickly but E struggles. I had to use lots of praise and encouragement to get him to kick the ball and when he did, he was so proud. He couldn’t get the idea to kick the ball back to his brother, so he would pick it up and run to his brother to give it to him instead of kicking it.

Thank you everyone, yes upset, 8 pm is much better than 10 pm. It’s here in my town so I won’t have much of a drive in the winter snow.

Glad, I love Siamese kitties. They are so loyal and lovable! Enjoy your new baby!

Congratulations Sharon!!! 8pm is better than 10.

All of PJ's grandchildren have been here today except for one in Boston in medical school and one at Georgia Tech. We had a total of 24. At least they were only all here for about a 1/2 hour. This evening we're babysitting his triplet great-grandsons who are 3. They'll most likely be asleep. We go to their house so they have their own beds, etc. It was nice seeing everyone, but it gets noisy with all of the in and out.

My brothers back from Kansas. He'll be working from home for a few weeks. He's staying at my house. It's still livable, although noisy when the workmen are busy.

Glad, I'm envious - a Siamese kitten. I had Siamese cats growing up. They are so lovable.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend. I love tamales - but have never made them.

It’s in the 40’s and raining today. It’s a chili with cheddar day

So cool, Glad, I was wondering if you'd get a cat!! So happy for you! I want one, too, just not yet, have to get myself settled in first.

Congrats, Sharyn!  Happy day on DYS thread!  Let's have sweet lumpia and tamales to celebrate.  I hear Upset made some for us... ;) 

Anything, anything at all Madge!

Got a siamese baby kitty at the shelter today. Will post her picture later when she comes out of the carrier I brought her home in. She is on antibiotics with an upper respiratory infection. Hope she will be feeling better quick. She is a cuddle bug and a purr bucket, about four months old. She came in as a stray in a trap with other cats. Hard to believe that after ten days at the shelter as lost, nobody claimed her. A doll baby!😍

Thank you Send and Kellse!

I did not know about a banana lumpia but it makes sense because there are sweet tamales with cinnamon and raisins.

I am excited,yet not looking forward to the day in and day out of working. Sounds negative but I need to hang in there for 2 more years or longer if I want. The deli here is closed at 8 pm instead of 10 pm like California. This is a seasonal hire but may go permanent. I think it will be permanent because they are having some staffing issues. It seems like a good fit, time will tell.

What's your favorite tamale, Glad
Pork, chicken or chili cheese?

Yay, Sharyn!

Since I have to go into the office today, I'm thinking of either stopping at Olvera Street for some homemade tortillas or Philippe's for a French dip

Used to have fun going to both places with my friend, who passed 2 years ago - her birthday would have been next week