The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Golden, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to trivialize what you posted by suggesting you did it as some form of "taking sides," or friends, or not friends. I'm trying to express something else, but I'm botching it. I'm trying to say that one's Perspective determines whether a given comment is bullying behavior or warranted pushback or self-defense. These are emotional topics and sometimes people react with emotions. All we have to judge by is words on a screen. We can't know the intent of the poster. Some things can be misread. We can all misunderstand now and then.

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My mom just called me. I'm exhausted after several nights without decent sleep, and she wants me to come down to their city tomorrow as her cousin is visiting from Florida and it's niece's 13th birthday, and there is a football game for high school senior nephew. I would like to drive down. I don't know if the timing is good but... this mess up here will wait one more weekend and my bro's kids are growing up fast. I told her if I got a decent night of sleep, I'd consider coming down.

I expressed some whining to my mom, some silly "woe is me" something something. I should know better by now. My mom has this way of biting my head off when I complain about hardship. She started in with a familiar theme -- why would I do XYZ if I didn't want trouble...? In other words, when I say "woe is me," my mom feels the need to say "that is your fault." lol It's a very familiar pattern. We locked horns over it but she managed to apologize and so did I, for yelling at her.

My relationship with her will never be good. On a good day, we manage to apologize to each other and I feel like... that's better than nothing.

This is certainly not about friends for me. It is just about abiding by the guidelines for posting, which I feel were contravened at the expense of another poster.

Ali, I do not agree, this is not about taking sides. How silly is that? We are here to support one another, nothing else. We all, I think, know what would be acceptable. And I do not agree that we have all had moments of attack and bullying.

I've been around AC long enough to realize that we all have different ideas of what crosses into "bullying" behavior. Strangely enough, haha, we often side with who we are closest friends with on here, in general.

We can all use a reminder to give our best to this site and keep the space positive. But it's not any one person, or even a couple of people. All of us, if we are posting often enough, have moments of intolerance towards others. I've seen it from all of us. I've done it myself.   Maybe it's a bit inevitable, given the subject matter and the sensitive nature of it all.  

Perhaps removing the mote in our own eye is the best we can do day in and day out on this precious site.

Just some thoughts... nothing more.  

I've been lying around for an hour or so, too wiped to work, too much to do to not work. So I finally decided I'm going to go to bed early. Three nights now (more like days, since I can't sleep at night past few nights) of bad dreams, noises, not sleeping well. I'm going to give one more good try to get tosleep on time tonight and hopefully rest well. I took a small dose of Benadryl to help get me off to sleep. Fingers crossed. I'm guessing the past few sleepless nights are largely just due to being in the new place.

Upset, I am still with you. I do not feel anything about my mom and I do not think I will. So, is there a simplified grief disorder?

Golden, thank you for posting about AC rules and policies. I will never understand why some people think this is an appropriate forum to bully and demean others! So many find it so easy to take something wrong that was said by another. We are here to support one another and sometimes that is in the form of sharing our own stories hoping people will know they are not alone.

Sharyn, is there a local Y? They're usually a good place to meet new people who have similar interests. I've taken classes there when I was in a new place. They're usually fairly inexpensive if you just want to take a class. Does the local library have groups. I know where I lived in Ohio they had a "New to Town" group that met every couple of weeks.

I agree though that having some interests of your own is a good thing without husband and family. I've signed up to take a crochet class in December. I've taken before, but still can't read the patterns correctly. I want to meet some new people too. After the suicide of my best friend, Cathy, I want to meet some new people.
I'm confident your new friends or activities are right around the corner.

Complicated grief is actually a clinical disorder known as Complicated Bereavement Disorder. Symptoms include being unable to accept the death; a heightened sense of loss and extreme bereavement. Most literature says that the disorder may last for several years or more.

I don't miss my mother. I have a great sense of relief in knowing that she and my brother can no longer play their games. I don't miss the chaos they created on an ongoing basis for years. Maybe someday I'll feel something different or maybe not. I can't remember a time when they weren't up to something usually at my expense. I never wished they would die, just that I could have some peace.

Ali, I did do things before my mom could not be left alone. On my days off work, I took off in the mountains to take pics. During the winter, I worked on crafts and the house... painting the inside. I stppped when my mom needed more help. I'm just on a rut that has to be broken here on Idaho and since I'm not familiar with places to go and to feel comfortable by myself, it makes it difficult for motivate myself to go out.

No, I am not familiar with clinical complicated grief, sorry. 

Upset, what you describe sounds like how I always thought I'd feel when my dad died: not much of anything except maybe some relief. I don't know anymore. I think I'm still too much in the middle of an extended chaotic and hurtful situation, and maybe I'll go back to being not-angry, not-sad, not-much-of-anything after I get some distance. It's a blessing to not have your emotions pulled in negative ways.

Sharyn, the clinical idea of "complicated grief" is a specific style of grieving loss of someone, but you probably know that, and I didn't know that, and to me... I think it should be used exactly like what it sounds like haha: I have grief, but it's complicated, so it's Complicated Grief! lol I know you'll find your new normal. It's good that you can express so succinctly what you're looking for, even if you haven't found it.

New Trust Officer called me just now. That was nice of her. She seems nice. She tells me she's working through the receipts on her own as best as she can, but this is going to take a bit due to circumstances. I didn't tell her that I'd called around to some local attorneys today to see if anyone thinks I have a case against the Trust. I'm not a greedy person, not an acrimonious person, but this has been one horrible, life altering experience and I don't want this Trust or any Trust to do to other families what they did to mine. I don't think I have grounds for a suit but I would also feel more than justified to bring one forward. I doubt anything will come of the legal angle but... it's good to get input from an independent, legal-savvy party.

Send, I enjoy nature and getting out to enjoy it, take pictures. Crafting,, and just having time with no obligations. Cook something because I want it, not figure out what to cook for 2. I would love it if my hubs would go out of the house a couple times a week for 3-4 hours to fish or some other hobby so I could have some time alone in my house.

Sharyn,
What are some of your very own separate interests?

When I get to that part, I don't even know anymore. I naturally want to help others, but apart from that, I don't know what I would be doing. Do you or anyone else struggle with that part, not knowing?

Was Complicated grief would be a good word for what I felt when my mom passed. I had hoped we could have a loving relationship but, it was about me having to learn how to communicate with my mom with the least amount of drama. I resented having to give so much of myself to keep peace my relationship with my sis was the same. Much anger surfaced, I decided I was not going to continue the same relationship with my sis, so I put up boundaries.

It really sucks when you know you are giving so much to a person just to keep peace while you are running around supplying information and other errands they could easily do for themselves. I stopped doing grunt work for family members who see themselves above doing it for themselves. My relationship with my sis ended. 

I am working to find a new normal now that we moved. I don’t want to  be
just Grammy or a BFF for my dd. I enjoy spending time with her and my grandsons, but I also have to be just me. Quiet, introverted me who has separate interests from these other parts of my life. It will come in time, but for right now, I struggle.

Ali, Not complicated grief at all. No symptoms for that. I have an absence of grief or something similar. Maybe someday I'll feel something - just not now.

Alli, I have no idea what I will do with all our free time, but I'm excited to begin! With the arrival of the holiday season, I'm sure that a lot of our time will be taken up just enjoying those types of functions, hopefully a lot with our Grandies, as they are always so busy fitting in all of the fun opportunities! They are a going Concern! Lol!

Also, the home renovations, which we've put off for so long. My BIL is a flooring specialist, and will install our linoleum and carpeting, all we need to do is pick it out, and will be doing that, when my sister and her are back from their Badlands vacation.

I've chosen one set of furniture for our livingroom, and have loads of ideas and options for our family room, but are working out the timing of ordering and delivery, to the carpet install. We also are purchasing a new stove as last year when pulling out a huge turkey for Thanksgiving dinner, and single drop of perspiration fell from my husband's forehead onto the inner glass of the oven door and the glass shattered! It was a scary moment, but the glass stayed in place, and thankfully he was not hurt! So we haven't been able to use the auto-clean function for all this time, which means our oven is filthy, and researching and purchase of just a new door or glass is very expensive, so we'll just buy a whole new stove.

Bit by bit, well continue to update this house, and will continue to stay on here, with selling in the future in mind, so nothing crazy or too personal, just nice and neutral, so if it's 2 years or ten, we won't have to redo everything. With it being only the two of us, we aren't too hard on things, in fact we still have our original carpeting throughout the entire house, and it's 23 years old, and we raised 4 kids here! It's time for a replacement, for sure!

Catching up here and I feel the need to post this reminder taken from AC policies.

"AgingCare.com is a place for caregivers to support caregivers.

To maintain a respectful dialogue, we've posted the following guideline summary for our members who post content. Further information can be found in our Terms of Use.

PLEASE:

BE RESPECTFUL. Personal attacks and aggressive behavior are prohibited; don't harass or bully others. Please...be respectful of others' sensitivities. ... Please keep it friendly and helpful!"

This thread covers a lot of touchy subjects and we have done very well in not indulging in personal attacks and in being friendly and helpful.

Lets keep it that way.

PMs can be used to address an issue with another poster.

Golden, the new place for your mom does sound nice. What move number is this one... 5? 8? :-) I'm joking but I know it's been a lot. Sounds like you keep streamlining on her behalf with each move. You've done a lot of work for her. I hope she will be content at new place.

You guys were mentioning not watching the depressing news and I think you're on to something. I notice that the guided meditations help me after only a day of listening to them, or any other positive, motivational message. What if I listen to those, instead of my usual real life murder mystery shows, for next 30 days? Think I'll be more positive?? I think so!! Habits are hard to change, but I'm at a good spot in my life to make some changes.

Upset, I don't know that the clinical meaning of the term "complicated grief" would apply to how you feel about your mom's passing, but... it is, actually, a very complicated form of grief when a dysfunctional, chaos-causing, hurtful parent dies. I think taking care of yourself, doing the positive and loving things you're doing - like getting married, yay! - is best course to overcome the lifetime of sad things you've been through due to your mom's behavior.

Stacey, I'm proud of you for everything you've done for FIL and you gave him as comfortable and caring an end-of-life as could be had. What are you going to do with all your free time now? ;-)

Take care, all. (((((hugs))))))

Ali, rest, eat nutrishly, and if possible light exercise. It does help. I also get weepy and I don’t understand it either. I need to get out by myself too.

Golden, Glad you got your mom moved and it went smoothly. The room sounds very comfortable.

Stacey, great you reaching the end of all the paperwork for your fil. I’m sure you and your dear hubby will be glad when all of fil’s Belongings are taken care of.

Send, yes! Too many disasters this summer. It does effect us emotionally even when not directly in our areas.

Hugs to all and hope your evening is a good one.

Hey guys, I just unsubscribed from almost all my news sites, and don't listen to or watch (no TV last 25 years) news, and have way more peace.... Also, found an ad remover that actually kept all the ads away! I'd been having lots of trouble with my aggravating SLOW computer and now NONE.... who would have guessed? Maybe this stuff will help?

Ali, Take care of yourself. Maybe a daily outdoor walking program would help you with sleep and anxiety.

Send, Exactly right with all of the symptoms of depression. Plus some individuals have loss of appetite or increased appetite. I've cut back on cable news in the last year. Too much anger, hostility, politics and topped off with all of the natural disasters. I found myself having strange dreams after some of the news.

Groups are interesting. I sat in on another therapists grief group. So many manifestations of grief. I still don't think I've grieved for my mother. I have over the last month, after reading all of the posts about nursing homes, dementia, end of life issues, become increasingly thankful that Mom passed so quickly without having to go through all of that. And from my own perspective I didn't have to go thru that part of caregiving. Having the nutty family is far easier than having the physical hands-on care that so many of you have dealt with or with which you are still providing.

Take care of yourselves. If you don't, chances are nobody else will.

Ali, are you watching cable news? That can depress anyone and cause mental exhaustion and anxiety.

Send, you're right - so many disasters, and so suddenly, or literally back to back.

Stacey, your activities and adjustment are inspiring. I hope I'm that calm, focused and organized when my father's time is over. I really didn't cope well at all after my mother and sister died.

Whew, I have finally completed notifying and settling All of my FIL'S post death accounts and notifications, and so glad it's all Done! I was late notifying his two pensions, but they will claw back those two payments from his still open checking account, and all we have left to do is to send off my husband's siblings inheritance checks, which I will leave up to my husband to do.

I honestly don't expect any trouble from the 2 of them, as his Will was so simplified and updated only 2 years ago, leaving any personal belongings to be distributed, up to my husband's discretion, and there really isn't much, other than some jewelry, guns and that's pretty much it.

Now apparently, both of his siblings wish to argue over the stupid chest up in our storage shed in our backyard, which is the one that I've so often mentioned, "where all of the bodies are buried", Lol!

This chest holds the secrets "held back" of my husband's step-sisters parentage, as hubby's parents with held the truth of it from her until she was 16, and in the couple of times she did meet her actual Father, they told the kids he was a "long lost Uncle", but I suppose that's what some folks did back in the day, which doesn't make it right, in my mind, but oh well.

Other ppwk about my husband's brother's Navy boot camp stint, which he flunked out of, but he's gone through life telling people that he's a Navy Seal, Ever the Liars and Con Man! He's asked my husband to destroy those Navy documents, so he can keep up the charade from his 9th, or is it his 10th and current wife, who knows!

It's the silly Ugly Trunk they both want, not the contents, so whatever, 1st one here to pick it up, can have it, as far as I'm concerned.

There are still tons of picture albums to deal with and to store, but that all can wait for another day.

Next up on our agenda is clearing out both of the bedrooms my FIL occupied when he lived with us. Half of the content has been donated, but once done, I'll finally have a spare/guest bedroom to decorate, and have when we have a guest or the Grandies over, and the other bedroom is for my husband to decorate and use as his own office/coin collecting room, and that will get all of his mess out of my bedroom and off of my dining room table, finally!

This house is a single level, and the perfect size for the 2 of us, but for me, everything has got to be put away to make me happy, as I feel like I've been living in chaos for far too long, with all of the moving back and forth with his Dad these last 6 months!

My Anxiety symptoms have improved these past couple of days, and hopefully with finishing up these final details, will only continue to do so!

There is So much to getting it all done, and I so relate to those of you who have been moving and sorting and settling in! Time for another Vacation, but in reality, we're going to settle in for the holidays, get some much needed renovations done, carpeting, linoleum, and new furniture in both livingroom and family room, so that is incredibly exciting and much overdue!

It's crazy how far you let things slip, when you are so submerged in caring for someone else! My FIL always said to do some nice things for us when he passes, and that's exactly what we are going to do! Time for some brightening up around here!

Hope everyone is doing OK!

Alli, you take care and keep on dealing with your own stressors and anxiety, I know how difficult it can be!

Golden, glad Mama is tucked into her new place, and hope it turns out to be a happy and healthy situation for her!

Huge natural disasters are everywhere! There is no doubt this can take a toll on anyone, let alone a sensitive person. Even when it is not happening to you personally.

The symptoms will be similar to post-traumatic stress disorder.
Quote : "Requires a medical diagnosis
Symptoms may include nightmares or flashbacks, avoidance of situations that bring back the trauma, heightened reactivity to stimuli, anxiety, or depressed mood.
People may experience:
Behavioral: agitation, irritability, hostility, hypervigilance, self-destructive behavior, or social isolation
Psychological: flashback, fear, severe anxiety, or mistrust
Mood: loss of interest or pleasure in activities, guilt, or loneliness
Sleep: insomnia or nightmares
Also common: emotional detachment or unwanted thoughts".

If one already has a diagnosis of PTSD, then beware.

Me:  I start moving the furniture again.  Meh.

Sharyn, I can relate. I'm experiencing depression and yet I can look around and say "I've landed exactly where I planned to in this part of my life!" So... what's my problem?? I don't know. But I'm unusually run down, tired, weepy and very anxious lately. 

Hi Oma, I'm glad you've found this caregiver site, and this thread. That is odd that you reached out to husband's daughter and 3 sons and they don't want to help. Maybe not "odd they don't want to help," because often people are too busy with their own lives to want to help with caregiving to aging Loved One if they don't have to, but it's odd they have bad feelings of how you're handling your husband's business and care.

Could you hire someone to come in and help for a couple of hours a few times a week? And then you could spend more time working on the business. Financially, it could be a good decision.

You might have to do some caregiving years by yourself. Sometimes, other family just doesn't "get it," or doesn't care, and you may have to hold things together on your own. If family won't help out, you will want to tap resources available to you through your area's Senior Resources. Are you in U.S.?

Hi. I am new here. Glad there is a forum where others understand the complexities of caregiving and family discord. My situation concerns my husband's adult daughter - who is an only child with three adult sons. My husband and I have been married for 28 years - together for over 31 years.....my husband suffered three strokes in 2 years....resulting in some disability and dementia. Can no longer drive. Had to retire from our business. I am doing the caregiving alone and run the business with the help of one of my daughters. I attend Caregiver Forums through our county and at the suggestion of one of the Workshop Presenters reached out to his family to see how they could help. Daughter is a teacher and gets all the time off during summer vacation, and major holidays...she never offers to come to our state to perhaps help out by keeping her Dad company to give me a break or to make his breakfast, lunch and dinner while I work in our home office, We lost a few accounts this past year so financially I am struggling but determined to get the business moving forward....hard to do with the constant interruptions by my husband who is lost now that he is no longer working, driving or being able to just take the garbage to our condo dumpster.....I try to keep him occupied and socially active, but it is a challenge. The result of his family is that after opening my heart in a letter to give them an update on how life is right now keeping him home and safe - I got a hurtful, nasty reply from one of the grandsons......one of the comments made was "we see right through you".....I asked for clarification but none has come so far......my husband calls his daughter every night and they talk about nothing major. He is afraid of dying and feels he will call her every night because he is afraid one day he won't be able to. What can I do when they won't come to the table to talk?

I’m dealing with depression. It’s not one thing in particular. I think it’s a combination of moving, not getting insurance, having the tooth pulled, feeling I have no routine.... I guess I just feel lost. My saving has run very low and that panics me with no job. I could go on wallowing but I won’t. I have much to be grateful for too.

Ali,
You're strong, smart, and self sufficient - you will get through this transition
Even if the apartment is only temporary, trust you'll be guided to the right one

Give the apartment a break for a bit - go for a walk along the lake, maybe find a book store - I miss book stores - pick up a novel, preferably fiction, grab a latte and get lost in a good story - sometimes we just need to get out of our own heads

I'm visualizing my body bathed in white light as my emotions transform into positive ones... lol. Guided meditation is quite awesome. It's workingggg, toooo. I'm feeling less agitated. This anxiety has had a grip on me for roughly past 3 weeks where it's been very bad at times, draining on me, and limiting. I need to find ways to ease it up, so I can do the things I want to do. I'll be over here bathing in white light. :-D

It's 2:15am here, I didn't sleep last night and now sleep is evasive tonight. I did put on some positive guided meditation stuff on YouTube. I think I should listen to this, or something like this, EVERY DAY FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE lol. I'm far too anxious about several things right now, and things will either work out a certain way, or things will work out a different way. Maybe I won't get a job I like, maybe it will be a tough job and I'll learn something from it, and look for ways to move on to something else. Maybe the Trust won't reimburse me but soon I'll never have to deal with them again if I don't want to. I can't be the biggest thing in my own way right now... and I do think I'm being like that.

It's just... it's going to take effort to put this apartment together. Once I do that, then I might actually like it here. If I like it here, I'll want to stay. And I don't know that I can stay and that notion is keeping me pacing in fear and frustration. It's SILLY. And there are no guarantees ever in this life. But I can sure swing the bat, I don't have to sit here and just accept that MAYBE things won't work out. I live in a big city, lots of opportunity. I'm capable, I'm competent, I'm smart. (I'm also so tired all the time and that scares me.) I want to deal with the depression and anxiety I'm feeling by doing fun distracting things, but I think... I think... the right thing for me right now is to dive into my emotions in a way I haven't done in many years, and deal with them, and work through them, stop avoiding them. I couldn't feel things fully when I was taking care of my dad. I had to DO, not feel. I was being crushed in many ways emotionally. I lived to get out for a night, to escape that life for a bit. Now I don't want to escape or avoid any hardship, but work through it. I sound more positive than I feel. I feel scared.

Not exactly sure what, specifically, is causing this sadness and anxiety, but I did quit all the psych meds due to problematic side effects. I wish I could take a small dose of something as I feel it would be HELPFUL right now, even just to stabilize my mood, but I have had bad reactions too often and the right next step for me is to try vigorous exercise to help the anxiety/depression. I've tried ALL the chemicals -- none are helpful w/o problems.

I'd love to take a diazepam and go to sleep but I don't think that's the answer. I've been taking halfsies here and there over past week. Nothing is getting better, it's getting worse.

Ok, just needed to share. Thank you. Don't worry too much about me. If symptoms get bad enough, I'll seek mental health treatment. Oy vey, I wish I could sleep. :) Wishing all of you a relaxing, restful night and positive day tomorrow.